Falling back

I didn't have my job interviews on Thursday. Both interviewers called on the same day saying that they needed to postpone. Luckily, I was able to postpone to Monday for both, and on Thursday another potential job called me and I also have a phone interview on Monday. So I have an informational interview, a phone interview and an actual interview on Monday. No going to work. Then, on Friday, I have my teeth out. I am very nervous about the teeth, but I have pain, so I'm also anxious to have them out. Actually, only one hurts, but all four will come out anyway.

We had an estimate done for our two rooms plus a huge hall closet that we haven't done over since we bought the house. By done over, I mean have the horrible '70s wall paper removed, and have them painted a 'normal' color. We are also having the trim in the hallway done. Happily, they're going to put on some gel stain over the paint and make it look dark, like the stain in the hallway. I didn't think it would be possible to make it dark. I thought we would have to strip all the paint off the door jams and whatnot, which would be incredibly time-consuming (meaning expensive, since we're paying someone else to do it). Happily, during the estimate, the painter told us otherwise. Woo hoo! I'm so excited to get this done. We moved in over a year ago, and we still have boxes of crap lying around these two rooms. It will make me so happy to get this done. I am trying to relieve myself of stress, and I think this will help.

And how's this for typical. I'm beginning to worry about the stress I'm going to feel during the upcoming IVF. I think I have to stop reading blogs for a while. It totally works me up, and I get so worked up so easily that I think I just need to distance myself. I need things from another place and time that are not about getting pregnant or babies. I'm going to stick with my SF and fantasy novels for a bit, I think. I'm knitting like a madwoman and generally trying to keep myself busy, but not too busy. Hopefully I can find an interesting yet flexible job.

I really need the new job to be flexible because of all of the doctors appointments I will have coming up. I told my current boss that I might be undergoing IVF just after I accepted. In retrospect, I sort of regret that decision. Not because I don't want work to know, but because I really don't like my boss and don't like that she has this bit of private information of mine. I feel like it's none of her business. However, I want my lovely co-worker J to be updated with what is going on. Her, I like and trust. The boss-lady, not so much.

It's windy out and I made a lovely sausage-vegie soup for dinner. T is playing his video game as I'm typing this. I'm still just so excited to get these rooms done. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Very Busy

I feel busy. There's so much stuff going on. I almost feel like I can't breathe. I took today off to make up for some of the extra time I spent on my horrible trip last weekend. It was nice to not go to work today. Tomorrow we're going to a friend's wedding. Sunday is my nephew's 10th birthday party.

I have two interviews next week. One is an informational interview at one of the universities around here. The other is an actual job interview at one of the huge hospitals in the area. I'm very excited at the prospect of getting away from my job. It is definitely a huge source of stress for me. We were assured by the insurance coordinator at the IVF place that if we switched to T being the 'owner' of our insurance, we would not lose out approval since T's company uses the same insurance company. In fact, as I type this I am recalling that I was going to call up the insurance company to make sure this is accurate. I guess I forgot. Too late now. I don't really have enough privacy at work to make those sorts of phone calls. But anyway, I'm excited that I have the ball rolling for a new job.

Next, I'm going to have all four of my wisdom teeth out on November 3rd. Oy. But I need to get this done. I still have jaw pain, and I need to finish this before I start the IVF process. This is good timing as I'm certain I'm not pregnant due to being on the pill. I'm a little nervous about it, but relieved that I will be under general anesthesia.

Lastly, we have an injection lesson scheduled for November 10th. This is when I learn how to stick myself with needles. Soon after this, the whole process will start. We had both of our bloods sent off so that the biotech people can create the probe. We have four huge consent forms to sign in order to get all of this done. I'm also inquiring about doing acupuncture along with the IVF. I need something to help reduce my stress.

So, there's lots of stuff going on. I think working full time is plenty enough. I really need to find a way to calm myself down. It's so cyclical. Thinking about the fact that I'm stressed stresses me out. I just need to breathe away my stress.

Starting anew

I have started birth control pills. I know that's weird for someone who is trying to get pregnant, but as most of you know, that is the first step before starting an IVF cycle. We went to see our RE last week, and since I had af at the time of my visit, he suggested I start bcps in order to stop the creation of the FSH that he wants to control with injections in the near future. So, we're on our way to our first IVF cycle. We need to get all the financial stuff set with the PGD people, and we need to send our blood off to them so they can create the probe in order to test the biopsied cell from our future embryos. (Isn't making babies romantic?)

Anyway, the thing is, we're starting the process. So, no ttc this month for us. Since I'm supposed to have at least one of my wisdom teeth out soon, it's good that I won't be pregnant for it. So I have to make sure to get that done soon. Hurray.

Meanwhile, I had a fiasco of a business trip to Albuquerque, NM this weekend. It was kind of an 'anything that can go wrong, will go wrong' scenario. The most obvious of which was, when I got to my hotel, they didn't have a reservation for me until the next day. It was midnight local time (which was 2 am Boston time). I had to sleep on a cot in the room of a woman I had never met before. Yay. I could go on, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, it sucked. I have two comp days coming to me. I think I might take one on Friday, and the other when I get my teeth out.

I can't believe I'm taking birth control pills.

Doubtful

This morning I woke up and my b00bs weren't sore, so I'm pretty convinced that I'm not pg. As the day went on they became a little bit sore, but I still think that I'm not pg. I think T wants me to POAS anyway, so I think I might. If for some odd reason it is +, I'm certain it wouldn't last. But I think it will be a -.

We are both getting really down about this situation. I know we have all of this hope in front of us with the IVF coming up and all. But I don't understand why we haven't got pg again. We've been trying for 7 months since my last m/c and nothing. I got pg two months in a row without trying very hard. We've been trying a lot for the last 7 and nothing. I just don't get it. It's making both of us sad.

We saw E & R and baby S this morning. He's getting so big and he's smiling and holding his head up on his own. It's cute. But I feel a distance between us. When there is a baby, everything is centered around the baby, and I just can't deal with it that much right now. I mean, when I'm with him I play with him and talk to him and all that, but as soon as they're gone I get so sad. I just feel like it's awkward between us and I don't really like that. Poor E is working from 6 to 4 four times a week without complaint. I think that's pretty impressive. I don't think I could do that without complaining. She's a real trooper. Maybe she's just trying hard not to complain because she has a baby. I don't know.

We had such a nice day today. We went to an arts festival up almost in NH. T bought me a necklace from a local jewelry artist. I was knitting the second sock with the yarn I bought in Portland while T was driving around. Then we had some fabulous barbecue. The we went to LL Bean and I bought some winter boots. My feet are small, so I'm lucky enough to fit in kids boots. They're way better and way cheaper. So we had this lovely day together. But then we get home and we both feel a little sad. I'm so, so tired of feeling sad. And I worry because things aren't that bad for us. Does that mean we will always be a little sad, no matter what?

We are so happy together as a couple. We both know we were meant to be together. T is so sweet and he tells me this all of the time. But because of this balanced translocation, there is some piece of us that will always feel lost. When I ask T what's wrong when he is feeling sad, he'll sometimes say to me, "I am broken on a fundamental level." It makes me feel so awful when he says this. I want to say something or do something to make him feel better, but I can't. I just tell him that it isn't his fault. He didn't do anything bad to make this happen, and it has nothing to do with him personally. But this doesn't really help him.

So are we doomed to be sad forever? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but what if the IVF with PGD doesn't work out? There will always be a little part of him that will keep this feeling and there is nothing I can do about it. I just don't know how to cope with this.

It's true that we only feel this way some of the time. We still laugh, have fun and go about our lives. But in the end, this feeling always comes back. How do we make this go away forever?

Dental News

So, I was nervous all day waiting for the dentist. I hadn't been there before, and I had to fill out a big history sheet. On it it asked if I was pregnant. I answered possibly.

I told him about my pain, and that I thought the broken tooth was my wisdom tooth. All he did was stick a mirror in there to look at it and said, "Yup. It's your wisdom tooth. You need to get that extracted."

And I said, "I'm going to have to do that with general anesthesia." The thought of someone pulling out my tooth with just novocaine makes me have panic attacks.

So he said, "Well, if they're going to put you out anyway, you should get all four of them out. The same thing that's happening with this one will probably happen to the others."

Oy. So I got a referral to some oral surgeons, and I'm going to make an appointment. When I find out whether I'm pg or not, I'll figure something out. Well, if I'm not pg, I gotta get that shit pulled. But if I am, I have to figure out whether or not I can get it done. The dentist said I should be able to get it done, and that it's better to have it pulled while pregnant than have it get infected while pregnant. But we'll have to see.

In 2ww news, my b00bs are finally starting to get sore. It's day 8. That's when they got sore both times I was pg. But we'll see. I'm thinking of PingOAS on Sunday morning. It's really difficult to wait. That would be 12dpo. That's long enough, right? Especially if I do it first thing in the morning. Right?

Dentist

Bad teeth run in my family. My Nana had bad teeth, my Dad has bad teeth, and I have bad teeth. Unlike my Nana and my Dad, however, I have a rabid fear of the dentist. I practically cry just thinking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have 3 crowns, and I currently have a broken tooth that is sometimes quite painful. After putting off making a dentist appointment for the last 3 or 4 months, I finally have one next week. But, as we are ttc, I'm afraid of what the dentist will have to do with me. I cannot tolerate any procedure without being thoroughly numbed. I cannot have x-rays done until I'm certain I am not pg (I should be able to test on Oct 10). I just don't know what he's going to say or do or what. It's making me crazy. I think it's my wisdom tooth that's broken, though. So, hopefully I can just have it pulled and that should be the end of it. But, in order to have a tooth pulled, I need general anesthesia. I will not endure a tooth pull locally. I will freak out. But if I'm pg, I can't get general anesthesia. So this is my new obsession-- what will happen with the dentist. Sigh.

I'm on cd 5. No sore b00bs, but I feel like I've got extra cm going on down there. But not much to report on the 2ww front. Just more waiting.

Keep your chins up, everybody.