Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

5 Weeks?

So, it's getting closer. I am starting to realize that this could happen anytime now, really. I just dug out the newborn and 0-3 month clothing from when Henry was a baby. It's so tiny. Was he ever so tiny? I'm going to have a tiny baby in my house?

I was up from 3am-4am worrying about logistics.

Still not sure what we're going to do if the baby has to be hospitalized for 4 or weeks. I guess I'm going to fly back and forth a lot or something. Maybe my mom can watch Henry. We'll just have to figure it out as it goes.

My family does NOT know of the hospitalization risk or of the M.eth.a.do.ne exposure. Trying to keep it that way. Not sure how to explain it if it happens, but I just don't want that information hanging over this child.

Freaking out a bit. We're going to get the room ready before he comes back this time. We've told WAY more people than last time. It's more difficult when you're already parenting to keep this a secret.

Henry is so excited to be a big brother. I hope he stays that way. I think he's already regressing a little bit. He's making me carry him all the time now.

We're going to buy an infant car seat this week.

Yikes. So excited and so scared.