Wednesday, February 09, 2011

My brain won't stop

So I've spoken with a few people about my ethical dilemma and I think I'm comfortable enough with it to talk about it here. I've done a small amount of footwork and we're exploring the idea to see whether it can be done in an ethical and healthy way. I don't know if it will happen or not, but we're thinking about whether we might be able to make it work.

I emailed CC and O. as I usually do, quarterly. I like to keep them up to date about what happen's in Henry's life. I sent pictures and I mentioned that we were starting the paperwork to get Henry a sibling. I did this because when we adopted Henry, both CC and O. wanted to make sure that Henry would NOT be an only child. This was very important to both of them.

You're probably suspecting where this is going, but just hold on.

O. called us with some excitement in his voice. He asked if we had a match with any expectant parents or something like that. I said no, we're just doing the preliminary paperwork like the fingerprints and CORI checks and stuff like that. (His response was, "You have to do that AGAIN?!?" Glad it's not just me. Anyway.)

I know what you're thinking. Wait for it.

So then he said something like, "We think it would be great if Henry could grow up with a full, biological sibling. We really love you guys and were thinking, what if CC and I have a baby for you?"

I was stunned. (To say the least.)

I didn't know what to say. I must have been muttering because then he said, "Did I just blow your mind?" Yes. Yes he did.

I did muster up enough cognition to say something like, "I have to talk to the adoption agency to see if something like that is even possible," because the ethics of it was already springing to mind. I wanted an 'out' that wasn't me saying that I didn't think it was ethical. I also told him on some level that's every adoptive parents' dream.

So, I've been thinking about it. I spoke to the adoption agency and my therapist. Nobody has ever heard of birth parents TRYING to get pregnant in order to place with their bio sibling. Yes, birth parents have found themselves expecting again and wanting to place with the same family, but CC is not yet pregnant.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be okay. I mean, it's sort of a type of surrogacy. CC and O. could still choose to parent after giving birth, if that's what they decide to do. I truly believe they are not wanting to do this for the money and authentically and genuinely want Henry to grow up with a fully biological sibling.

Now, I haven't spoken to CC about this. I'm not sure how she's feeling. I know that they have discussed it, but I don't know her thoughts without O. around. O. doesn't get pregnant so it's 'easier' for him to say he wants to do this.

So, both the adoption agency and my therapist recommended counseling for them before we discuss this further. I called CC and O. and O. thought it was a really good idea. We have CC's health to think about, plus all the other issues. I reassured him that we would never ASK them to do this, and if they really think about it and decide it is a bad idea for whatever reason that is OK and they will always be Henry's first parents and we love them no matter what. He seemed to appreciate that.

So we're figuring out how to find someone for them to talk to about his, hopefully both together and separately.

So, yeah. Along with my Bdog issues, this is going on.

I am so very tired and looking forward to my vacation in FL. Needless to say I haven't told my parents about this. I just need to know if Bdog will be here while we're gone and I need to hire a dog sitter or not. I really wish the rescue would just tell me. I'm fine with him staying with us for another month or two. I just need to know.

(Did I just blow your mind or what?)


Almamay said...

Wow, but cool. Even if it doesn't happen it is good to know they are thinking about Henry and his welfare. Of course you all are. That is one lucky boy.

BTW, not that what I think matters but I think you handled it very well when you were broadsided with the offer.

Almamay said...

Just read your post again. I had a thought. Maybe CC is pg and they wanted to gauge your reaction. Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

Wow. That is amazing in so many ways. I think you did a great job in handling things on the phone with O. I can only imagine all the things going on in your head right now.

As an adopted child, I think it would have been amazing to grow up with a full biological sibling. It is an amazing offer, but yeah, are they really ready to do this?

I don't know what to tell you about the dog situation. I guess follow your gut?

DD said...

My mind is blown. How could you not be both excited and worried all at once? And as a secondary infertility sufferer, somehow I can't help but worry, what if after all is said and done, they can't? The guilt could be devastating.

I'm sorry to be the cynic. Story of my life, you know.

Natalie said...

Wow. Wow. I don't even know what to think to that! I mean, yeah, it would basically be them offering to be a surrogate for you guys. And it would be cool for Henry to have a biological sibling. And it's fantastic that they care so much about him - and you guys. But wow, that's a lot to think about!

ultimatejourney said...

Wow. Just wow. This did not even cross my mind as a possibility when you mentioned you had an ethical dilemma. How totally awesome and nerve-wracking at the same time. I love that they think so highly of you. And what an incredible gift it would be for both Henry AND you & T. But I understand that it's far from a done deal.

Almamay's comment has me wondering if they're actually pregnant. If not, I wonder if they are aware of the possibility of giving Henry a full sibling without CC going through the pregnancy herself. That's probably just my cycle-crazy brain talking, though; you seem to be past treatments and I really don't blame you.

Okay, I think you can tell from this comment that you have blown my mind. I'll sign off now :)

Delenn said...

You handled that very well, and I am glad you thought of the issues surrounding this...I know I would have probably been so floored I wouldn't have known what to do!

Hope you come up with a solution for BDog. :-)

niobe said...

Wow. I have to admit, I was thinking exactly what some others have already said, that they were already expecting. But, in any event, I think it really is similar to a surrogacy-type of situation.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Wow, wow, wow! That is heavy stuff. I hope it all works out and sounds amazing if you guys can work out a good plan.

Lane said...

Wow, I didn't see that coming either. I think you were right to bring the agency into this and counseling is definitely in order. Good luck to all in whatever happens.

DrSpouse said...

I have to say my first thought was, they are likely pregnant again. But it seems not.
Have you thought of posting on the forums on Might be someone there with experience of something similar (I know some kids' birth parents have several subsequent children that they place, but this isn't the same, however I do occasionally wonder if some pregnancies might be a tiny bit not unplanned if you see what I mean, and that could be because of unresolved loss though it could also have a tiny bit of "no 1 son is so happy, so it won't be the end of the world if I place another child").

Holly said...

Wow. I've actually DAY-DREAMED about something like this because it really is a dream...for adoption to somehow morph into surrogacy, therefore leaving most of the horrible feelings of loss and sadness behind...

Almamay makes an interesting point.

Anyways, keep us posted.