Thursday, October 14, 2010

Just interesting

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.


ultimatejourney said...

I've considered blogging about this. I have contemplated adopting a second child. My reasons for not considering it more seriously actually have nothing to do with whether or not I'd be comfortable as an adoptive parent. (I think I would be comfortable with it, for whatever that's worth.) Some of the reasons are (1) we would probably still have to wait a while, meaning that potential siblings would be quite far apart. (I suppose since you feel strongly that siblings are important, you would argue that a much-younger sibling is better than no sibling.) (2) I worry about issues with the siblings having different ways of coming into our family. For example, A is biologically related to me, which an adopted child might be jealous of. But adoption is much more common and accepted than DI, so A might be jealous of the sibling for that. I know that parents deal with all sorts of jealousies and rivalries every day, because no two siblings have the same strengths and abilities. I'm just telling you some of the things that give me pause.

I'm curious to know what about T's only-childness makes you feel so strongly about not having an only. This fascinates me because I know some onlies who only have one (by choice) and wouldn't have it any other way for themselves. And some who are more neutral about it and plan to have numerous kids, etc.

Natalie said...

It's definitely interesting. I think adopting takes a lot of hard work and putting your heart on the line in many ways... and for me at least, I just don't have the same "Oh my god I have to get pregnant" drive that I did before I had Kate. (We're going to do IVF again, but I've done that before, so to me it feels kind of "easy" and I know what to expect.) But then we're also a family who knew that adoption wasn't for us, even if we couldn't get pregnant at all.

Sue said...

If having a second child doesn't come easily, it may be too much for couples who already went through a lot to have their first. And as you know, all the hoops you have to jump through to adopt aren't easy or inexpensive.

Personally, I'm not opposed to adoption, but my husband is. He's adopted and is only interested in parenting a biologically related child. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the fact that he is the product of an old school closed adoption and has never met any of his biological relatives.

Siblings don't always get along either. I come from a dreadfully dysfunctional family and I would rather be an only child than have to be in the same family as my only sibling, who stopped speaking to 23 years ago. Her choice, not mine.

Robin said...

I agree totally with you. We are definitely going to consider adoption instead of just giving up and being okay with our one.

Honestly, and maye this would be offensive to some, but I can't understand why people opt to live child free instead either. I mean, do you want to parent or not?

Anonymous said...

I am not done. My family of 3 is not complete. I don't know how our next child will come to us, but adoption is definitely an option.

DrSpouse said...

I would actually much prefer to have a larger gap between siblings - but even when we started trying I knew I wasn't going to have that luxury, unless we adopted siblings who had a big gap in age.

When people say "oh you can't love them the same as your 'own' child if they are adopted" I know they mean you must love them less. But I know there is actually MORE to being a parent by adoption - not less. Life will be different - but that doesn't mean less love.

Rachel - Henry Street said...

I feel like I accidentally deleted a comment from Still Waiting. Sorry about that. Here's her blog:

"We are trying to #2 right now. My husband and I decided that if we could not conceive naturally, we would strongly consider adoption. We REALLY don't want our E to be an only.

I can't imagine adopting a baby who is 1 vs. a new born after parenting my daughter. That first year of bonding is so amazing!

My fear (besides the $$) is the waiting time? We want to adopt an American baby as you did. But curious how long the whole process took from start to finish? "

Anonymous said...

Assuming everything goes as planned financially we plan on adding a sibling to our family when Lovey Girl is about 3. My hope is to add a lovey boy... Our thinking is, pre-school, and potty trained, which would give me time with a new baby. Notice how optimistic I'm being :-).

Joy said...

Although I don't understand living child-free instead of adopting, I do understand only having one child. It is my preference to only have one child. It is what I know is best for my family. I've never wanted any more than one so that fact that we can't have biological children makes that decision so much more conclusive. People make decisions based on all sorts of reasons, it's why I try not to judge, but I do have issues with people who make decisions based on wrong information.