Still just waiting

No word from the PGD lab. So, we're officially not starting until after the first of the year. This wait is killing me. I've been on bcps the whole time. I mean, we could have ttc'ed for 1 or 2 more months instead of me being on the pill the whole time. I'm pissed about it a little. And being on the pill continuously for 7 weeks now is messing with me. I'm more cranky than I usually am. And the spotting! I may not have had my period for almost 2 months now, but I'm spotting every day and it's making me nuts. I'm going to call my PGD coordinator today to see if I should just take a week off and bleed already. But I'm really pissed about this whole thing. I should have never gone on the pill yet. Maybe they didn't know that for sure, but I'm still annoyed. I'm sick of waiting to start this.

It was our anniversary this weekend. Poor T is sick as a dog and we didn't do anything to celebrate. We were going to go out to dinner, but he didn't feel well enough to go. So, we've been ttc for 11 months now and nothing. I'm really frustrated that I feel stuck right now. I need to be moving forward. I'm surrounded by babies and children, and it's starting to make me nuts. Alice Domar says that stress doesn't affect fertility, but depression does. I have sort of reduced my stress, but all of this waiting is increasing my depression. I don't want to get depressed, but I just see me getting sadder and sadder.

Well, I'm currently unemployed, so that might not help things. It's the best thing that I'm not at my old job, and I've had a job offer, so maybe I won't be unemployed much longer. We also bought an elliptical for our house as an early holiday present. We need to exercise. I'm hoping that doing exercise will help. And I'm trying to do focused breathing to reduce the stress.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I mean, I suppose I have a small amount of hope, but it doesn't feel like it's enough to sustain me until this process actually starts. For my own sanity, I need to be in the process of ttc right now. And I'm not. Not even close.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I had my IVF injection lesson on Friday. I'm okay with it. I'm so ready to start that I think sticking myself with needles won't be so bad. The problem? I have no idea when we'll be able to start. I don't think it will be until the end of January.

Our PGD probe probably won't be ready for 3-6 more weeks. The PGD lab closes from Dec 17 through Jan 1. We're going to Mexico in mid-January. So we probably won't start until after then.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Mexico. T's job is going on an office trip (they're a travel company) and they get to bring spouses or significant others. That's me! We never went on a honeymoon, so we're going to extend the trip and use it as our honeymoon trip. We're going here. Nice, no?

I am just so ready to start. I wonder if we can start the drugs while the place is closed in anticipation of egg removal and PGD and transfer between the beginning of the year and going to Mexico. It's a possibility. Still, January feels far. February even further. If we didn't need PGD we'd have started by now.

Oh, did I mention I quit my job? Yup, I had to go. The place I work is bad. I don't have another job yet, but I could no longer associate myself with my place of work. Better to not work at all than work there. I had T's blessing, and I am absolutely sure that it was the right thing for me to do. It's like the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

A Few Words

I don't feel much like talking. Life is keeping me busy right now. I've had a few job interviews last week, and I'm having a bunch more coming up. I'm really hoping to find a better place than the one where I'm working now. I blogged about whether or not to take this new job. In some ways I'm glad I took it -- I haven't been bored. But in others, I wish I hadn't. The culture at my new office is just not a good fit. For example, I was talking to the Executive Director on Thursday about getting my wisdom teeth out. He said to me (not knowing about T and my reproductive situation), "It could be worse. You could be having a baby. Hahaha." I just looked at him and said, "Having a baby isn't bad." His response? "Well, in terms of pain it is." I just didn't say anything else. Of course, the day before was the due date of our second pregnancy. So, I just need to get the hell out of that place. I need to be somewhere where people have an iota of sensitivity and common sense. I hate where I work.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I'm doing pretty well, but I'm not my regular self quite yet. I'm starting to eat more solid food now, which is good. We have an injection lesson on Friday when I guess I will learn my protocol. I don't know when the probe will be ready for the PGD, so we won't start injecting until then. I assume I'll learn about how to go about getting the medications and whatnot on that day as well.

In one week from now we're having a large part of our upstairs stripped of wallpaper and repainted. Maybe we can be more organized after this. We will finally be able to put things away. My brother and sister-in-law gave us their old kitchen table, which is nice. It looks good in our kitchen. I'm pleased.

So I'm keeping very busy. I hope you all are doing okay as well.