Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The catharsis of blogging (and therapy)

So we had a hell of a therapy session this morning. I cried through 3/4 of it, I think. We were talking about IVF. We were talking about how it might be time to get the ball rolling with the IVF thing. Part of what we talked about was getting the money for IVF from my parents. It could be a gift from them. It could be a loan from them. I'm very, very, very hesitant to take the money from my parents. They have offered us the money, and they could afford to give it to us, but it doesn't feel right to me. So instead, we are going to have to get the insurance companies to pay for it. They're certainly not going to volunteer for it, as so many of you know. But we have the advantage of living in Massachusetts where fertility coverage is generous. And T and I think with a bit of work on our side, we could get the coverage. So while we keep trying, we're going to work on getting coverage.

I guess I still haven't come to terms (is that an inappropriate pun?) with IVF. I read so many of your blogs out there, and see all of you be strong and go through it. I even see you getting excited to start your injections. And then there are the truly lucky ones for whom IVF has created a viable pregnancy and a baby. It happens. But I can't seem to deal with the idea of IVF. I know I need to get over myself and make it happen. But I'm terrified of it. I have been told that I will get used to it, and that it becomes sort of like a second job. I'm not terribly scared of needles or medical procedures in general. But I just can't make IVF feel right. Regardless, I'm still willing to go through with it. I will certainly give it a try. But I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited about the fight with the insurance companies. I'm not excited about the huge shipment of meds or the side effects of the medication or the egg extraction or even the implantation. I just feel like none of the embryos will make it far along enough. Or that one or two might, and it just won't work.

Maybe I'm mostly afraid of 'wasting' the money. I'm generally quite a frugal person. I research and find the best deal. Sometimes I'm willing to spend more to get a quality product. But because there is no guarantee with this IVF it doesn't sit well. $15,000 is a lot of money without a guaranteed product.

So I'm mulling all of this around in my head. I'm wondering how we're going to make all of the necessary phone calls when T has a cubicle and I share my office with another person who has recently made a completely insensitive comment about IVF right in front of me, even after I told her about our issues. She's not the smartest person in the world, though, so maybe she didn't put two and two together. That wouldn't surprise me. I don't know how we're going to get this all done, but I guess we're going to have to.


Hopeful Mother said...

For us, coming to terms with having to do IVF took some time and some getting used to.

I'm paying how much for a *chance* to get pregnant, and a *chance* to actually give birth?

For us, IVF never has "felt right" but it is our only option for conceiving a biological child, so we feel we have to explore this option before even thinking about adoption. I have read several different places that there is a grief process for your fertility as a couple, and I can see that we have gone through many of the steps, feeling-wise.

Everyone is different, and you may decide that you don't want to go through with IVF right now.

Whatever you decide, you will get through it, and you will be stronger than you ever thought possible. Why? Because you have to be. That is one of the few positives I have taken from this journey so far. I was absolutely terrified when I learned that we would need IVF. Terrified until I started reading blogs of others going through it and realized that we all have undiscovered strength in us.

I am certainly not excited about having to go through IVF, but compared to the alternative of no child, the potential of IVF is something to get excited about.

Enough rambling, but I wanted you to know that we have all felt the way you do.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

You can do it Rachel. I will be here for you. I don't think that any of us are comfortable with the idea of IVF, but if there is a chance that it will give us our miracles, then we are willing to try. Please know that I am only an email or even a phone call away. I am crazy busy but I can always make time for a fellow BT sister. Hugs to you.