I talk to my mom every morning. When I talk to her, I try not to sound too sad, but inevitably she says, "You sound sad." I am sad. I tell her I am sad. I will be sad for a while. I am okay, but I am sad.

I know she loves me and she doesn't want me to be sad. Being a parent makes me understand this more than I used to. But I need room to be sad. It's completely appropriate for me to be sad. I am allowed. It's only been a couple of weeks since all of this happened. Just let me be sad.

I ran in to a friend of a friend the other day. She asked how I was. I was honest. She lost her husband about 10 years ago, way too young and with a young child. How devastated she must have been. I can only imagine. But she is remarried and has a second child with her new husband. Seeing her doing well was a little helpful. She had a great, sudden loss but she has been able to move on. That has been the most helpful thing for me so far.

I have the appointment with the RE this afternoon. I still haven't looked for some embryos. I guess I want a kind of a timeline and a cost estimate first. Part of me really doesn't want to do this. I think I'm sort of hoping a baby materializes out of nowhere and then I won't have to go do this. But I have this sneaking suspicion that won't happen and we will try this. I am very hesitant, but just waiting and doing nothing feels awful right now. Either way, a baby a year from now is probably the quickest thing.

How did you start healing from your personal tragedies?

Trying new things

Over the long weekend T and I implemented a new chart system for Henry and it started off really well. His behavior got SO MUCH better. It's only been a couple of days and we've had some rocky times, but we are going to continue with this new system.

Henry is very difficult to motivate. Sometimes he cares about pleasing and about getting stickers, but sometimes he truly does not. This makes consistency difficult.

T also made me find a new therapist. I loved my old therapist but I think it's time for me to find a new one. I haven't seen the old one for a while and I love her and would recommend her to anyone and everyone, I just feel the need to move on. I found a new one and she had a cancellation today. I will be leaving to meet her shortly.

We have an appointment with an RE on Friday to talk about a donor embryo cycle. I guess I need to find some donor embryos. I guess we might try this? I haven't really done much about searching for embryos yet. I suppose I will figure it out next week after this appointment.

I really miss my dog. A lot. I think having a baby would have distracted me more from the dog being gone, but since there is no baby and there is no dog, I am lonely. Henry is going to school during the summer part time and I am here, trying to get things done, alone in my house.

I feel empty inside.

I am getting through my days and getting things done. I talk to people and I act fine. But when I am alone in my house or in my bed trying to sleep, all I can do is cry.

I hope I can find some comfort somewhere.

Losing it

I feel like I am losing my shit.

All this emotion is really hitting me hard right now. I think I am PMS-y which makes it worse. Henry's behavior has gone downhill and he is being really challenging right now.

My job is to parent my son and I feel like I am failing at it right now.

I feel like I have lost control of him. I don't know if he's feeling all the emotions from the past couple of weeks and he is acting out because of it. He has been having behavior issues all along and we've recently been getting some more interventions. He switched schools for the summer so maybe it's just all the changes that have been going on lately, but he has been so much worse and so out of control.

I am lost in a sea of misery right now.

Discussion

So, the director of our adoption agency called yesterday. She felt really bad about the adoption falling through and told me she is going to make a few phone calls on our behalf and has put us at the top of her priority list in terms of finding a match. I thought that was really nice.

All things being equal, I think I'd rather an adoption match work out. I will explore embryo donation, and I would do it too, but the idea of going back to the RE and the IVF operating rooms just freaks me out. Also, as someone who has come to terms with never gestating a live child, to go back is really difficult emotionally. Some people might be super excited at the prospect, I suppose, but I guess I had just completely given up on it that the idea of going back to hoping is just terrifying.

We want to do whatever is fastest, so I guess for now we are technically going down both roads. I have no idea what is going to happen.

On board

T is on board with exploring the donated embryo option. His biggest concern is FET success rates. They seem to be under 40%, even with donor gametes.

I'm not sure I could do more than one try, but I kind of want to try it just the once.

I'm trying to schedule some consults to see if we can get things ironed out.

I never thought this would happen.

So

So now that this match failed, it's got me thinking about embryo adoption again. Sigh. Not sure that it's what we're going to to, but I've found myself googling and emailing about it.

I don't think T is on board with it, especially given the nature of the embryo donation agencies. But it's a tiny thought in the back of my mind now.

We are back active on the list with the attorney in FL.

Not great

I feel like my family has been ripped apart. I am empty inside. I miss my dog. It's difficult to walk by the empty room with the baby stuff in it. I want to scream, but I don't know what I want to say.

I am sad.

My  life looked so different last week.

There will be no baby

She decided to parent.

All I can think is, "I should have known."

I don't know how I am going to make Henry understand this.

Goodbye B-dog

I love my dog a lot. I have been crying a lot for the last several days. But today is the day we say goodbye to our beloved greyhound.

We loved him and he loved us. Our house is just not the right fit for him.

I kind of feel like I did him a disservice by bringing him here at all. He should have gone to another family from the beginning. We were matched with Henry only 3 months after we brought B-dog home and had we known we were bringing home a baby so quickly, we never would have got a dog.

But we got him and he came into our hearts. He's a pain in the butt, but we really love him.

It is difficult to explain to Henry that B-dog is going to live with another family. It is tough for him to understand.

My greatest fear is Henry will think we would do the same thing with him.

I talked to the social worker and K is 3 cm dilated, so she could go into labor any time now.

All of this is a lot of change for my little Henry and I am concerned about what his behavior is going to be like. He is not an easy kid to begin with, and all of this turmoil of losing his dog and becoming a big brother is going to be completely overwhelming to him.

And despite how sad I am about B-dog, I can only imagine what K is going through right now. What I am feeling about B-dog can't even match 1% of the emotion that first parents must feel.

It's an emotional time here at our house. We will get through it and things will get better, but right now we are stuck in an emotional sink hole.

I have to believe that dogs are adaptable and B-dog will find a family without small children that will love him well.

We will miss you, dogger.

On Top of Everything Else....

B-dog bit Henry in the face this morning. Henry is fine. We took him to the ER and he got 3 stitches on his cheek.

We have decided that we will have to send B-dog back to the rescue where we got him. We want everyone to be safe. But because he bit someone, he technically has to be in quarantine for 10 days, and that's supposed to be in the town where the incident occurred. In 10 days we will most likely be in FL, and I don't want this to happen again between now and then (though it is unlikely, I think.) I hate for it to drag on like this.

This has been a really horrible day.

I am feeling really sad about this decision, but know it is the right one.

We are doing ok. 

One week

There is one week left until the baby's due date.

I just spoke with the social worker. K is still committed to the adoption. But she knows how difficult it is going to be. My heart is breaking for her already. She doesn't want to meet us or see us in the hospital or anything. She wants to have the baby, see him once and then leave the hospital and try to move on.

I am in a very sad place around all of this. I know adoption is difficult, and I remember clearly how difficult it was to leave the hospital with Henry and watch CC and O. drive off without him. My heart broke in that moment and I do carry that around with me. My heart is already breaking for K.

So, even though the baby is due in a week, we probably won't fly down to go to him until after the consent forms are signed.

Most likely he will go in the NICU because of the meth@d0ne, though it isn't guaranteed. We have no idea how long he might be in there.

I just wish I could plan around this. Things are crazy at T's work and I don't know how to deal with a very active almost 4 year old while waiting around for his newborn brother. My parents want to come down with us, but I don't want them to know about the meth@d0ne.

I am feeling stressed and ready and sad.

Waiting game commence.

Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

5 Weeks?

So, it's getting closer. I am starting to realize that this could happen anytime now, really. I just dug out the newborn and 0-3 month clothing from when Henry was a baby. It's so tiny. Was he ever so tiny? I'm going to have a tiny baby in my house?

I was up from 3am-4am worrying about logistics.

Still not sure what we're going to do if the baby has to be hospitalized for 4 or weeks. I guess I'm going to fly back and forth a lot or something. Maybe my mom can watch Henry. We'll just have to figure it out as it goes.

My family does NOT know of the hospitalization risk or of the M.eth.a.do.ne exposure. Trying to keep it that way. Not sure how to explain it if it happens, but I just don't want that information hanging over this child.

Freaking out a bit. We're going to get the room ready before he comes back this time. We've told WAY more people than last time. It's more difficult when you're already parenting to keep this a secret.

Henry is so excited to be a big brother. I hope he stays that way. I think he's already regressing a little bit. He's making me carry him all the time now.

We're going to buy an infant car seat this week.

Yikes. So excited and so scared.

Two months left

Two months until K's due date. We have been telling Henry that he is going to be getting a brother. This morning he asked me, "Why isn't my brother here yet?" Perhaps we told him too early. He is clearly thinking about what it will mean.

He's asking about where his brother is now. I told him he is in his birth mom's uterus. Then I asked him whose uterus he grew in. He said me. This is the first time he has said that. But I said no, that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I asked him again and he said CC's name. He is clearly thinking about things.

I am starting to feel anxious, but I also just want this wait to be over.

I am assuming that the baby will need to stay in the NICU for a month (which is pretty much worst case scenario) and I just don't know how we will handle that. I have kept the maintenance method of the expectant mom to myself, not letting the family know. I don't know how I will keep it from my parents if they come to FL when the baby is born to help care for Henry.

But this wait is so difficult. I am emotionally prepping the best I can, but we have been matched for a long time now. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling Henry. Not sure how to explain if K changes her mind.

But things are still moving forward. We have two months until the baby is due.

Yikes.

Potty trained!

It's been a long winter. Henry had pneumonia twice. He was really, really sick and had been in school for only 3 out of the last 15 weeks due to school vacations and illness. It's been a rough time for us, though he is doing much better now. He is on a nebulizer for another month to try and avoid another bout of pneumonia if he gets another cold. He had 105 in the doctor's office. It was bad. Thank goodness he's better.

We were just in FL for a week. My mom hurt her back so it was good that I was there to help her. It wasn't the most fun vacation, but I was able to relax and knit a lot, and it was good to get away.

The best thing that happened is that H is potty trained! So pleased to not have to change diapers any more! He is doing a great job and I am very proud of him. He's even been dry a few nights. He was afraid of potties that were not his frog potty for a while (the one from T@rget) but I have a potty seat and he has adjusted. He is doing so great, I am so proud.

Got an update from expectant mom K's social worker. Things are looking good and normal. She's 25 weeks along now. I asked for confirmation on the sex of the baby, but at the last ultrasound the baby was curled up so tight they couldn't see and do all the required measurements, so she has to go back next week to complete the testing. But everything seems to be looking good for her health and the baby's health so far. The social worker says she still seems committed to the adoption plan. She still wants it to be completely closed.

We're still just waiting. We are talking to Henry a little bit in the abstract about "when" he is going to be a big brother. He mentions it in passing sometimes.

The due date is really only 3 months away.

Here's hoping H stays healthy and is able to go to school consistently. We both really need it.

Information

We got some more health information about K. She is currently 16w6d along, meaning her due date is at the end of June. (We had originally been told the end of May.) She made it to her most recent doctor's appointment, which is good, since she had previously missed a couple. She is going to a perinatalogist due to her meth@d0ne treatment.

Feeling a little better about the sex of the baby. We've been talking names already, which might be dangerous. But we think we have one.

Henry has been sick a bunch and all the time I keep thinking that I'm glad I don't have to deal with an infant while dealing with all of this stuff. But I do want another infant. Sometimes I get scared of how much work it will be, but I still know this is what I want. I hope I am able to be flexible so that H can get all the activity he needs while the baby can still nap. I usually pick H up from school at 2pm. Will I not be able to do that next year?

The end of June seems a long, long way away. H will be done with school (and hopefully in some sort of summer program). My parents will have gone to Florida for two months and come back. I will have hosted our family Passover seder at our house. I will have turned 41.

But it will come and whether or not we bring that baby home, our lives will be forever changed.

More info

We got a call from the social worker who is working with K. We found out the baby is a boy. We also found out that she is possibly one month less pregnant than she originally thought.

So, to me, this is significant. Is the baby measuring really small and therefore not healthy? Or is paternity different from what she had originally reported?

This seems even more complicated than before.

Also, I'm feeling guilty that I am the tiniest bit disappointed that it's a boy. I would have loved to have a daughter too. I mean, I'm not so disappointed that I would ever change my mind about the match over the sex of the baby or anything. I really just want a healthy child. But I have to admit that I was a little bit hoping to have one of each. I feel terrible about that.

On a happier note, the social worker talked to K about openness and why it is good, and it seems she is thinking about accepting a little bit of openness. This definitely pleases me. I would like to have a little bit of openness in both of our adoptions.

Waiting

We received a health report for the expectant mom. We got one piece of new information from it. I feel really in the dark about this. When we were matched with CC and O. we talked to them all of the time. This expectant mom, K, doesn't want contact.

We discussed if there were any issue that would make us change our minds about this match, and we decided there wasn't. So, we wait.

My mind is jumbled with some worry. Will the expectant mom change her mind? How will Henry deal with being a big brother? He regularly pushes little 1 year olds over, but he pretty much ignores little babies. How will I be able to handle two kids, especially if the baby is fussy? Methadone babies are usually fussy, so I am not anticipating an easy baby like Henry was.

Will I go insane with a very strong willed 3-year-old and a fussy baby?

My mother asked if we were going to paint the room. My mind hadn't even gone there.

We were supposed to visit my parents in Florida in March for vacation, but as it seems we're going to go down there at the end of May for a baby, that vacation is off.

We aren't talking to Henry about this specific baby, though we do talk with him that someday we will adopt another baby and it will come live with us and he will have a brother or sister and he will BE a big brother. We have decided to keep it abstract with him.

Henry just woke up. Gotta run.

Matched.

We got chosen by one of the expectant moms.

She's on Methadone.
Some of the legal complications have been resolved already.
Birthfather is completely unknown.
She wants a completely closed adoption.

Holy shit. I'm completely freaking out and crying right now.

Due date 5/25.

Being shown

We got two expectant mother profile emails in one day after not hearing from the agency for about 3 months. We are having our profile shown to both expectant moms. These adoptions would be much more complicated than H's. Unknown birthfathers, perhaps methadone, etc. Are we ready to deal with these things? I'm not sure. But if we keep an open mind, we are more likely to be parents sooner. I suppose we can back out if things get overly complicated. These things happen.

I see babies and I feel ready. Babies don't make me sad, like they did when we were waiting for H. I feel a little scared. H has had a good week and I'm hoping we're over the horrible 3 hump and headed for a slightly better 3 1/2. What will happen when a new baby is introduced? I don't know. We do talk about it sometimes.

He likes giving things to babies, so that's good.

I think babies born with methadone addiction have a rough start as they detox, but generally do well if they weren't exposed to other drugs in utero.

We have to send our prints in to the FBI again and do the CORI and SORI and stuff again. Paperwork sucks.

Waiting to hear that we haven't been chosen sucks, though. I can't help but wonder when things will work. It will have been a pretty short wait if we got chosen now.

Constipation?

Ok, he's acting better today. He pooped 3 times before noon and didn't go at all yesterday (I'm not sure about the day before.) Could constipation have caused this?

I mean, he's very strong willed and challenging most of the time, but he was way, way, WAY worse than normal on Friday. I would have guessed he was sick except he wasn't. Maybe his tummy hurt?

He has good days and bad days, but his bad days weren't usually as bad as Friday.

Anyway, I'm feeling slightly less freaked out today and more hopeful it might be age appropriate frustrating behavior.

Thanks all.

Behavior Issues

Henry is having some behavior issues. I know this is pretty normal for an active three-year-old boy, but he is having problems in school. Today was a particularly bad day. He had to go sit in the director's office for a bit. One of the teachers told me that they felt like one of them had to stay with H and be one-on-one with him and that left the other teacher to deal with all of the other kids. He is openly defiant and doesn't respond to consequences.

They know I know this. He is like this at home. I am pretty consistent and do the time out thing and I can, with time and effort and endless patience (sometimes), get him to do what I need him to do.

He is also really fine sometimes. If we go to a playground, he is usually pretty good. He is very active and loves to climb.  He is a little handsy at times, but if I put him in time out at the playground he will stay in time out and usually be a bit better afterward.

The thing is, he has biological relatives who have some serious behavioral issues. Some of this stuff must be genetic. I am a little afraid.

I don't want him to get kicked out of school. I don't want him to have no friends.

Today I am worried. I left a voice mail to my old therapist to get some advice. I really, sincerely hope he grows out of this, but I am concerned.

He can be so wonderful sometimes. And he's adorable. Why can't he just listen a little bit?

Three is hard

Three is a tough age. I'm exhausted. Everything seems to be a fight. Sometimes I fear H is turning into a psychopath, but I think that's just how 3 is.

In the moment I am constantly frustrated, but in most cases everything is hilarious in retrospect.

I am so tired.

And yet I still want to do it again.

Happy & sad

Going through a pretty hard core "feeling so very happy & elated for other people and totally feeling so sad for myself" mixed feeling kinda thing here.

I know that's ok. I know it's normal. I know it will never 100% go away.

But feeling it still kinda sucks.

Family Tree already?

So, it's H's third full day of preschool and I'm handed a paper by the teacher that says "H's family tree." Oy. The teacher says to "put pictures of your family on it. It's like an 'all about you' activity." So I'm going to ignore this and just put pics of me, H, T, Bdog and R cat on there.

That's ok, right? H is totally not able to talk about adoption on his own right now and I think it's pretty safe to do just our family at home because, really, that's what this thing is for. It's about who you live with. Right?

I didn't expect to have to deal with this already!

They should just label the paper "H's Family" and I'd feel a lot better about it.

Oy.

A Different Expectant Mom

We got an email asking us if we wanted our profile shown with a small amount of background information. Long story short, we had our profile shown to an expectant mom.

She chose a family that didn't already have a child. We expect this to happen a lot.

Our profile has lots of pictures of our happy family. I wonder if we should have fewer pictures of H in there? But I don't want to be dishonest. We *do* have a child. And I imagine there are expectant parents who want their child to have siblings.

It's still kind of disappointing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I suppose we'll just leave things as they are.

But all of the paperwork is off and we are 100% waiting. Before we know it we will have to renew our home study.

But I guess it's good we've already had two chances to show our profile (though we chose to show it only once)?

So now

So, now that we decided to say no to this special situation, it put a fire under my butt to complete the profile for our adoption attorney in Florida. I'm 95% finished with it and that will get us really, truly waiting for a placement.

The expectant mom that we are not showing our profile to is due in January. January would have been a perfect time to welcome a new baby into our lives. I can't say that I'm not still sad about it, but I know it was what was right for us.

I know someday there will be a sibling for our H and that I will be a mom again. It might not be as soon as I would have liked, but that's just our lot in life.

Meanwhile, 3 is really, really tough but still really good.

Sleeping on it

We were presented a situation and I think we're turning it down. It involves drug exposure and HIV. My heart skipped a beat when T told me the attorney called, but it feels like more risk than we are willing to take on and I'm not excited at the prospect of being chosen. We think that means something.

Still, it's leaving me feeling a bit empty and sad.

We'll sleep on it but don't think we'll change our mind.

Almost 3

I cannot believe it but our Henry is almost 3 years old. We are officially waiting (our homestudy has been approved) for a sibling for him. I took him to the adoption agency to drop off our booklet. We talked a little about adoption then and he told me that "we adopt another baby" so I guess he listens. I know he has no idea what that really means, though.

I can't believe he's such a big boy. Sometimes it feels insane to want another child as our house feels so chaotic most of the time, but at the same time I definitely have the baby bug and am ready. The not knowing is still awful and I still need to work on paperwork to expand our search further to hopefully speed things along a little bit.

Our boy is a lot of work and such a love. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to cry (and get a job), but mostly I feel so lucky that I get to be this boy's mama.

It bums me out

It really sucks that someone having a baby makes me sad. It's supposed to be something happy.  And I am happy for the people that have the baby, but I'm usually more sad for myself.  I really hate that.

Home Study Complete

I was feeling pleased that our home study is finally complete, but I see it's been 6 months since we started. Oy. That doesn't make me feel so great, but it is what it is I guess.

I'm starting to worry about the wait again. I don't mind 12-18 months of waiting, but I know around month 16 I'm going to be freaking out a bit. Hell, I'm freaking out now. But I have to let it go because I just have no control over this.

I just feel old. (I turned 40 earlier this month.)

Anyway, I guess we're officially waiting.

We pulled it off

Before the end of 2011 we sent in the first part of our paperwork to the adoption agency. They cashed the check, so I know they received it. We are slowly headed toward our wait for kid #2. We still have a bunch to do, including our photo book, but I feel like the first step has been taken.

Labels

When I die, am I going to be labeled H's adoptive mother and CC his mother? I don't begrudge her that title. She is truly his mother and gave him life. I would never recognize her as anything else.

But I'm his mother too.

(It was this article that made me write this.)

Paperwork

H slept over my parents' house so I could try to get some paperwork done for baby #2. This paperwork is so awful. It makes me want to cry. I hate doing it SO MUCH. I'd rather go to the dentist, and if you knew me, you'd know that means something. I cannot stand the dentist.

I'm sitting here trying to complete this crap and not cry. I just cannot stand all this intrusiveness. We are not that organized and getting all this information is really difficult. I just hate it. I HATE IT. I hate doing this. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

But every night I feel guilty that it's not complete. I need to complete it. I will feel so good when it's done.

It's just so very difficult. So difficult. I hate it.

Most days

Most days I love being a stay at home mom. Most days I feel remiss for not having completed the paperwork for another adoption. Most days I feel tired, but know what I don't do today will not hurt anyone and can be done tomorrow. Most days I can find a little patience. Most days I feel okay.

Today is not one of those days.

I must be nuts to think I can take care of another baby too. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Also, I want to kill my cat. Seriously. I think I'm capable of breaking his neck. He howls like a banshee CONSTANTLY. I cannot get a moment of quiet. Henry has a cold and has already woken up from his nap once. I got him to go back to sleep, but the f*c&ing cat keeps howling and won't shut up. I need to do some cleaning but all I can do is try to get the animals to leave me alone. They both whine and make noise and follow me around. I want them to LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me do something while Henry is asleep.

Also, I cannot believe that 3 might be more of a challenge than 2. I am losing patience.

This has not been a good week. I hope next week is better.

Not much to say

Still haven't done the paperwork and I'm feeling guilty about it every day. We really, really need to do it. I feel I am doing a disservice to myself by not completing it. I need to light a fire under my a$$ really, really quickly. Sigh.

On the evil FB, I'm part of an Adoptive Families (a great magazine) group, and the people on that group talk about God so very much.

I just want to announce that personally, I feel that God had absolutely nothing to do with my son's adoption. When you talk about adoption and God together, I no longer want to talk with you about adoption.

You may have whatever your beliefs happen to be, but leave me and my family out of it.

Thanks.

Heard from them

I heard from CC and O. I don't feel like I can go into details here, but they are still interested in the sibling thing, they just can't do it right now. They will probably approach the idea again in November or so, though possibly before. But it's not 100% out the window. Not sure where that leaves our paperwork. I still should just get it done.

Feeling a little weird about other parent friends recently. I'm finding it semi-easy to get along with people and have our kids play, but pretty difficult to be really close with anybody and to be on the same page about most things with other people. It's difficult to explain without going into specifics, but I'm not good at being lonely. Today I'm feeling a bit lonely. Today it's mostly because I'm a planner and I'm finding that people, or at least parents with young children, are often not very good at planning. I find this frustrating.

Anyway, things in general are pretty good. It's hot and that wipes me out. I'm not good at keeping up with my chores when it's this hot out.

Here's Henry and his grandad on a recent sleepover there. He really, really loves my dad. It's so cute.

I feel like I should post

I've been thinking about my abandoned blog lately. I don't feel like blogging anymore, obviously. I am busy parenting and I'm not sure I have any useful insights about adoptive parenting or parenting in general or whatever.

We never heard from CC and O. about the potential next baby. I will call them within the next month or two, but I no longer think this will happen. It bums me out a little, but it's fine. Regardless, we need to complete our paperwork for kid #2. Doing so while parenting is proving more challenging than anticipated. It's also bringing back some emotions I thought I was rid of. I'm angry that I have to do all this paperwork. I'm annoyed that I need to have a notary to have a kid. I'm frustrated by the financial aspect of this all.

I need to put aside some time to fill out the paperwork, but I'm just having a difficult time. I need a kickstart.

On the positive side, I have the absolutely best almost 2 year old ever in the whole wide world. Really, that's objectively true. His grandmothers agree with me, so it must be.

Five years

Lavender Luz reminded me that it is my blogoversary. It's been 5 years since T was diagnosed with a balanced translocation and since my first miscarriage. I cannot believe that much time has passed. It truly boggles my mind.

My family did not end up where I expected it to at the beginning of this journey. These days I sometimes wonder if I could go back and not endure infertility and wonder if I would. I have always said that I wish I didn't go through all of our trials and tribulations, but I honestly believe all of our trouble has made me a different kind of parent than I would have been had my family come easily to me. I wouldn't be completely different, but I don't think I would be able to as easily take a step back during the tedium, minutia and frustrating moments of parenting and realize how lucky I am.

So, here's to appreciating the wonder of children. They're exhausting but so very worth it.

Lucky

A woman who is 7 months pregnant told me today that I was "lucky" to not be able to be pregnant and give birth. Happily, at this point I mostly just get annoyed at comments like that. I simply told her that being an adoptive parent has its own distinct difficulties.

But I'm still thinking about it and am still annoyed. People have no idea.

That being said, I am lucky. But not for the reasons she thinks I am.

Not a blogger anymore

I'm not sure why I'm not into blogging anymore. I just rarely feel like blogging my emotions and happenings. Occasionally I need to get something out I suppose, but in general it's been feeling like a nuisance lately.

We went to FL to visit my parents. Henry had a lovely time and it was nice and relaxing. We did go to see CC and O. We had agreed (I thought) to meet at around 1pm. I called at 2 an they said they were an hour (!) away, so we had to entertain a busy toddler in the middle of nowhere for 2 hours while we waited for them. We were quite annoyed at how long we had to wait for them, but once they arrived, it all went well. They were happy to see Henry. Henry and O. got along quite well. CC was a little more distant. We got some pictures and they each held him. I was glad that we were able to get together and see each other.

We did discuss the possibility of a sibling while we were with them. They are still interested in doing it, but they want to do it sooner rather than later. Our agency found a social worker and I have spoken to her twice and sent her phone number for CC and O. to contact her and set up a time to talk. I don't know if the talk will really happen, but I will call CC and O. next week to follow up about it. I have a feeling that this might actually happen. I still feel a little tentative about it sometimes, but I still can't think of a reason to not do it. It's still really freaky, though.

Would this child's birth story be too weird?

Me and my H man.

Now that the weather has changed, things with Bdog are much better. The rescue did eventually call, but I told them we decided to keep him. She pushed a little for me to return him, but in the end he's still here. He seems to be doing well.

Bdog

So the rescue totally hasn't gotten back to me and Bdog has been being really good. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, at this point I am preparing to keep him here.

Today Henry was right next to Bdog as Bdog was eating (H finds the fact that Bdog eats VERY interesting) and Bdog didn't care or even bat an eye.

I had a playgroup this morning with H, an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. Bdog was excellent.

I think for now I'm going to bring in a trainer to see if we can get a way to teach Bdog to be able to be in a room by himself when there are people home. If I can remove him when he bugs me too much and he'll behave, then I think I can cope.

And I think he can cope, too.

I hope keeping Bdog around isn't a mistake, but I feel like the lack of response from the rescue is a sign that I was having a bad week and most of this was insane cabin fever.

------------------------------

Nothing is happening on the CC and O. front. I haven't heard from the adoption agency yet for info about counseling. I guess I'm going to have to call again soon.

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Today Henry is 18 months old. Happy half birthday, beautiful boy!

My brain won't stop

So I've spoken with a few people about my ethical dilemma and I think I'm comfortable enough with it to talk about it here. I've done a small amount of footwork and we're exploring the idea to see whether it can be done in an ethical and healthy way. I don't know if it will happen or not, but we're thinking about whether we might be able to make it work.

I emailed CC and O. as I usually do, quarterly. I like to keep them up to date about what happen's in Henry's life. I sent pictures and I mentioned that we were starting the paperwork to get Henry a sibling. I did this because when we adopted Henry, both CC and O. wanted to make sure that Henry would NOT be an only child. This was very important to both of them.

You're probably suspecting where this is going, but just hold on.

O. called us with some excitement in his voice. He asked if we had a match with any expectant parents or something like that. I said no, we're just doing the preliminary paperwork like the fingerprints and CORI checks and stuff like that. (His response was, "You have to do that AGAIN?!?" Glad it's not just me. Anyway.)

I know what you're thinking. Wait for it.

So then he said something like, "We think it would be great if Henry could grow up with a full, biological sibling. We really love you guys and were thinking, what if CC and I have a baby for you?"

I was stunned. (To say the least.)

I didn't know what to say. I must have been muttering because then he said, "Did I just blow your mind?" Yes. Yes he did.

I did muster up enough cognition to say something like, "I have to talk to the adoption agency to see if something like that is even possible," because the ethics of it was already springing to mind. I wanted an 'out' that wasn't me saying that I didn't think it was ethical. I also told him on some level that's every adoptive parents' dream.

So, I've been thinking about it. I spoke to the adoption agency and my therapist. Nobody has ever heard of birth parents TRYING to get pregnant in order to place with their bio sibling. Yes, birth parents have found themselves expecting again and wanting to place with the same family, but CC is not yet pregnant.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be okay. I mean, it's sort of a type of surrogacy. CC and O. could still choose to parent after giving birth, if that's what they decide to do. I truly believe they are not wanting to do this for the money and authentically and genuinely want Henry to grow up with a fully biological sibling.

Now, I haven't spoken to CC about this. I'm not sure how she's feeling. I know that they have discussed it, but I don't know her thoughts without O. around. O. doesn't get pregnant so it's 'easier' for him to say he wants to do this.

So, both the adoption agency and my therapist recommended counseling for them before we discuss this further. I called CC and O. and O. thought it was a really good idea. We have CC's health to think about, plus all the other issues. I reassured him that we would never ASK them to do this, and if they really think about it and decide it is a bad idea for whatever reason that is OK and they will always be Henry's first parents and we love them no matter what. He seemed to appreciate that.

So we're figuring out how to find someone for them to talk to about his, hopefully both together and separately.

So, yeah. Along with my Bdog issues, this is going on.

I am so very tired and looking forward to my vacation in FL. Needless to say I haven't told my parents about this. I just need to know if Bdog will be here while we're gone and I need to hire a dog sitter or not. I really wish the rescue would just tell me. I'm fine with him staying with us for another month or two. I just need to know.

*sigh*

(Did I just blow your mind or what?)

I want somebody to tell me what to do

I keep feeling like I'm making a terrible mistake. I feel like B is getting better with time, and aside from the back stairs issue (which will never be resolved unless we redo the back stairs) that I could be making a bigger deal of this than it really is.

B is getting used to not having two walks every day. And when all this snow melts, I'll be able to take him out in the afternoon more often. And the back yard will have more room for him to run around.

He's still not used to having other people in the house, and he doesn't know how to remove himself from the chaos. I am still not sure how I will manage keeping H away from him when there's a newborn that needs attention. I do fear disaster and that is the main reason I'm planning on him living elsewhere. I think Bdog would do better in a house without small children.

But maybe I should make this work.

My fear is that I will try and fail and we'll have to rehome him later, which will be much, much worse for Bdog.

I'm trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is in Bdog's best interest, but all I feel is selfish.

I want somebody else to tell me what I should do.

Sad

I feel like Bdog is an innocent victim of my poor decision making.

I talked to the rescue. They're making inquiries about what we can do with him.

I feel both lost and a sense of relief. But mostly, I'm sad.

Dog decisions

The rescue hasn't called me back as of yet.

Bdog just made it up the back stairs.

I feel stuck. On one hand I want to send Bdog back to the rescue to find another home while he's still young and pretty rescue-able. I love him and I want the best for him. I fear that once we have a second child I will absolutely not be able to handle him and that if I wait another year or two before sending him back, things will be worse for him. I fear that as H gets more and more active, the dog will have less and less tolerance for him. Bdog has growled at both H and a 3-year-old visitor at our home.

On the other hand, I want to push through this. When the snow melts, things won't be as bad. I'll be able to walk with a stroller again and being outside with Bdog and H will be much more pleasant.

I don't want to be one of those people who takes a dog into her home and then gives it back. I've always felt those people are irresponsible and I consider myself very responsible. I made a commitment and I need to see it through. I should enlist a behaviorist and possibly put Bdog on some medication to make him less anxious.

But honestly, I don't want to put that much work into a dog. It's difficult enough for us to have a child. Why should having a dog be this difficult? I just feel like I want to be free.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Dog

The dog now outright refuses to come up the back stairs. I just left a message at the rescue to see what bringing him back would entail. I can't handle having a dog anymore.

Ethics

I have an ethical question that I'm even too afraid to ask here. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist next week to discuss it. I'm feeling confused. I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone but T and my therapist. I don't even want to talk to my mom about it.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that? Is there anything that feels so secret to you that you're afraid to even talk about it anywhere?

How can that not eat you up? I'm a talker by nature.

In other news, we're going to FL the first week in March. We're going to be able to visit with CC and O., most likely. I'm a little nervous but mostly excited about that.

Also, we've had enough snow here, thanks. I'm ready for spring.

Application

I've been putting off filling out our adoption application. I wanted it in by 1/1, but who knows if that will actually happen. I finally filled out a few forms tonight.

I forgot what a huge pain in the ass this is.

*sigh*

No wonder I've been putting it off. I have to force myself to do it. It's just so challenging. It's hard to fill out paperwork now for something I don't expect to come to fruition for two more years.

But I have to make myself do it.

Bleargh.

Better

Bdog came up the stairs. H is at my parents and I have a full day off. I'm feeling a bit better today.

I still worry about keeping Bdog, but for now our crisis is averted. He's wary of the stairs, but he's climbing them for now.

I love this dog, but I also stress about him. And I stress about the dog way more than I stress about the baby. That seems weird. I don't know how I'll handle the dog with two kids.

But for now, things are looking better.

Bad day

Today is a bad day.

I have to do a volunteer shift at a co-operative play space we joined and I have no one to look after Henry when I'm working. My mom backed and and the neighbor who was going to help is way too sick to come. It will work out, but it's a bit of a pain. If this was my only issue, I'd get over it fast.

Bdog won't climb the back stairs any more. This means I have to walk him around front to get him back in the house. This creates a huge issue for his going out issues. He won't climb the inside stairs, either. I feel like I am doing Bdog a disservice and I feel like it's untenable for us to keep him. He needs a better home than we can provide for him. This is really depressing me.

H is having sleeping issues. He's waking up early(ish) in the morning (for him, and it interferes with Bdog's walk schedule) and his napping is being weird. It's only 2 days, but I'm concerned. He's never had sleeping issues before and he wouldn't go down for a nap quickly today or yesterday and he woke up in the middle of his nap today, but he did go back to sleep. Now I need to wake him up in 10 minutes so that I can make that shift at the play space.

I have 6 bags of leaves from the back yard waiting to be picked up by the town, but apparently no leaves are collected after December 11th in this town. So how I have 6 bags of leaves until April. I don't have any place to keep them until then. What am I supposed to do?

Writing this, it makes me wonder why I feel as distraught as I do, but I feel distraught. Maybe it's the Bdog thing. I really question my ability to care for him every single day. He is so attached to me, but he won't let anyone else care for him. I just don't know what to do now that it seems I can't simply let him out in the back yard. T doesn't really like Bdog anyway.

I just feel like crying. Today sucks.

Tomorrow morning I"m dropping H off at Grammie and Grampie's for 24 hours. We have T's office holiday party tomorrow night. I hope I can relax a little.

Plugging along

We definitely have the winter sickness thing going around this house. H had a stomach bug around Thanksgiving and then we all got head colds. I seem to have got the head cold the worst, which is odd since I'm usually never sick.

Thanksgiving was good. Lots of cousins were around. H wasn't the youngest as we met his 6 month old cousin for the first time. A lovely time was had by all.

Hanukkah is happening now, so we're doing the exchange of gifts on Sunday. I'm only like 66% finished, but hopefully I can do what I want to do tomorrow. Though we have our adoption group tomorrow and things will be busy. Things are always busy. Good busy, though.

We're doing a re-fi on our mortgage and that's almost done so I have to face the fact that we need to complete our home study for #2. I'm actually getting outside pressure to do this. I need a deadline, so it's going to be Jan 1. We're going to have all our paperwork for kid #2 complete by Jan 1. We've got to do it. I expect the wait to be a longish one, and even if it's not, it's time for us. At this point I feel like everyone I know either has 2 kids or has one with another one on the way, so I guess I have to get in that line.

This decision feels really different this time. Less monumental, I guess. Being a mom I guess changes my perspective on things. I'm not nearly an anxious about it.

H is awesome as ever. He's getting really strong willed and opinionated. He's still only saying, "Nononono!" but he understands everything we say. I sent off an email to CC and O. after his 15 month checkup (25 lbs! 16 teeth!) but didn't hear anything back.

A family friend at Thanksgiving told me that she thinks her son and his wife are considering adoption and were asking about me and T and H. I again said something about how adoptive parenting is different than bio parenting and felt like I was being judged... like I was saying my son is less than or something. This bothers me. I need to figure out how to better express what I mean when I'm saying this. How do you say "not the same" but not mean "less than"? I need a better choice of words or something. I'm finding this frustrating.

Here is my little man sleeping in the car with his balloon. He loves balloons. He was clutching it and staring at it with so much love as he fell asleep.

But I still have limits

I really meant it when I said I don't get upset seeing pregnant people around and I'm feeling like I've closed the chapter of thinking about having a biological child.

That being said, today I overheard too many conversations about fertile people's fertility. And it bugged me.

Really, I don't need to hear how you didn't know it was more difficult to get pregnant while breastfeeding because you got pregnant very easily the first month after you got your period for the first time while still breastfeeding.

I also don't need to hear the pregnant woman talk about her second thoughts on having a second child.

I'm doing better, but I still have limits, thankyouverymuch.

Getting over it

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

Halloween!

Strangers

Today, at the play area at the mall, someone told me how much my son looks like me.

I simply said, "Thanks."

It was weird.

Just interesting

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.

CC called

Out of nowhere, CC called me. I missed the call, but I called back. I wasn't sure it was her when I was calling back, but it was and I talked to her on the phone.

They moved and the packages we sent didn't get to her. The agency mailed them to her, but she never received them. She said she'd send me her address and I'd resend them. She said she got our emails, etc.

It wasn't weird talking to her, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She sounded good and happy. Good things seem to be happening in their lives. They've had a bunch of not so great things happen, but they seem to be going okay.

I told her how well H was doing. We talked for about half an hour. I was walking home from H's music class. I didn't block our 'real' number so I think she has our last name and my real phone number now. (We originally gave her a forwarded number to her.)

It was nice to hear from them. We had been worried about them. I feel really badly that they hadn't received the last updates. She was bummed too.

I like that we can talk to them. I'm not sure what our open relationship is really going to be like. I am certain I want to communicate with them regularly, but I'm not certain what that communication is going to look like. I don't like unpredictable things, so that part of this makes me nervous. But It really was a relief to hear from them and that things are going pretty well.

I decided to post

I'm still here. Things are fine. Busy. We totally haven't unpacked. Henry has started walking! I can't believe it, still. It's so cute. He giggles every time he walks from the novelty of it all. It's amazing how much he improves every day. He keeps me very, very busy as he is the definition of an active toddler. He is still really good, but because he was such an easy baby it is quite a change for me to have to attend to him so much. He's still pretty good at playing by himself, but he definitely needs a lot more of my attention than he used to.



I guess now that we've moved we need to starting thinking about the paperwork for #2. I'm still so overwhelmed by readying this house for living that paperwork seems insane, but I don't want to wait too long before starting because I'm sure it's going to be a long wait.

I'm thinking of getting a part time job and having Henry go to daycare a couple times a week. I haven't done anything about it except look at job listings, but I'm thinking about it. I haven't started looking at daycare options yet either, but I think I want to wait until he is 15 months old, so I still have 2 months.

We love the new house and don't miss the old one at all. Well, the one thing I miss is the HUGE garage we used to have. This one is kind of small and cramped. But that seems a tiny, little thing in the grand scheme of things so I'm not complaining. It's weird getting used to being in the quiet suburbs, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. There are lots of nice people and other moms at home on my street, so that's really nice. I'm taking Henry to music class once a week. We've only gone once, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

I'm at a loss about what to say here. I've lost my blogging mojo, I guess. I'm not even sure anyone really reads my blog much anymore, but if there's something I'm leaving out, let me know. I hope everyone is doing well.

Moved

One week ago I woke up for the first time in our new house.

Things are going well. Moving day was hell, but things are better now. Sure, we're mostly living out of boxes but that's okay. My mom came on Saturday and we did the kitchen, so at least I can cook. We're slowly getting things together so that we can live here. Henry's room is mostly unpacked. It's still pretty crazy, though. Henry is SO lively that it's really difficult to get anything done. I was able to cook a little bit by gating Henry in the kitchen while I made a quick meal and I was so proud of myself. He's into EVERYTHING and he's constantly going somewhere and putting everything in his mouth that I can't even leave him for a second right now. Plus, when I put him in a playpen he cries and cries to get out. My easy baby is no more.

Of course, he's still a pretty happy kid and he still sleeps really well so that helps a lot. It just that for me, infancy with Henry was SO MUCH easier than toddler-hood is going to be. I guess that's different for many parents, but not so much here. I'm hoping there's a point where he becomes interested in toys again instead of playing with the wires that are plugged into the wall and anything else he can get his hands on. At least I have a tupperware cabinet for him in the kitchen and most everything else has safety locks on them.

As I expected, Bdog is having the biggest trouble adjusting to the new house. He's come a long way in a week, and I really think he likes the extra space. He no longer feels totally crowded in every room. However, he WILL NOT go up the stairs. The stairs from the first to the second floor has two landings. The first landing is 3 steps up. He'll lie on that. The second landing is up 4 more steps. He'll go up there, too. But there are 6 steps more to get to the second floor and he WILL NOT go up them. I even got those ugly little stair carpet tread thingies to no avail. I've tried forcing him and he growls. I've tried coaxing him with his favorite treats. He will not come upstairs.

So, starting anywhere from 4:45 am and 5:45 am he starts whining. We sleep on the third floor so I have to walk down a flight of stairs for him to see me and for me to shush him. Also, the cat has been howling starting at 4:30 most of the time. So I've been getting up REALLY early lately.

But otherwise, things are really good.

Burst

I've been reading my blog posts from a year ago. It's weird to relive that time. I'm glad I have a record of it here.

Sometimes when I think about Henry I feel like my heart might just burst because it is so filled with love for him.


We're moving the day after tomorrow. It's kinda freaking me out

"Just" money

So our house appraised too low and the mortgage company the buyers are using won't lend them the money to buy our house, so of course we have to lower the price. Apparently the improvements we've done to the house don't really increase its value. But our hands are pretty tied here. This sucks so much. The tiny bit of money we were going to be able to have after we pay off our current mortgage has disappeared. We have lost so much money on this house. In retrospect, we never should have bought this house. But like a lot of people, we were enamored with it and the idea of being a homeowner.

T is out of his mind with anger about losing so much money. It is a lot of money. A lot. Like several years of working worth. And he feels the buyers are taking advantage of us. (We happen to know that one of the buyer's family has a lot of money.)

I am so anxious to pass papers and put all this behind us so that we can just start our life in our new house. And hopefully we will not have to move for 20 or 30 years.

I've packed a bunch, but I don't feel ready. We move on Tuesday. The new house is ready for us, though. (Well, everyone except for B-dog because we don't have a fence out back yet. I think poor B-dog is going to be miserable when we move.)

No one is happy around here these days. I hope I can convince T that it's "just" money and we need to move on.

video

One of the videos I posted on the blog I created for CC and O. was viewed in FL, where they live, via the blog. I think one (or both) of them watched it.

:)

Cake!

One year

Still, even after all this time, I still can't believe that I'm actually a mom. It still feels so unreal to me.

I am so grateful for the privilege of being this little boy's mom. He is the greatest. I hope CC and O. know this. I've told them, but I want them to know.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. Mama loves you.

Exhausting

Preparing to move is exhausting. In the middle of this is Henry's first birthday and he's getting so close to walking. I can't really get packing done during the day because he's into everything and during nap time I do things like shower, eat, laundry, dishes and everything else that keeps the house going. I try to pack a little at night but T is too tired after work to do much. I'm very worried that we are not going to be ready. We have 10 packing days and we've only just begun. I haven't even thought about packing our garage or our basement yet. I'm pretty terrified about this move and I just can't wait for it to be over.

My nieces are coming to stay for a few days. They can watch Henry while T & I pack. T has taken a couple of days off work so that we can get stuff done. I hope it's helpful and we can get a lot done.

I guess I should be packing.

Home

He's home!!

Bad

T is in the hospital. He has a staph infection. He's been there for 2 days now.

We're moving in 2 weeks and we've barely started packing.

H woke up at quarter of six this morning. He never gets up that early. I was peeing and H was crying and the dog was whining and the cat was howling and I was alone.

T doesn't know when he's coming home. He's lonely and sad. I'm lonely and sad.

Open Adoption Roundtable #18

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Massachusetts is an agency state. Our agency was great. They had us educate ourselves a lot about openness and even required that we meet with some birth parents as part of our home study. We asked questions about how they felt about openness which really helped me learn what it was about and helped alleviate some of my fears about it. Our agency definitely encouraged openness, even if it was just in our approach to adoption. I really appreciate all that our agency did to help us.

Henry was born in Florida. We used an attorney down there. Her attorney has an assistant/paralegal. She was awful. I know another couple who used the same attorney. They also had problems with this assistant. What makes me really sad is that she, herself is an adoptive mom.

We were notified that CC was in labor at about 7pm on August 14. he was born around 10. We knew we'd have to get B-dog taken care of and set up flights, etc so we knew we wouldn't be able to leave until the next morning. We told the assistant this. She said something to the effect of, "Can't you get there sooner? Allowing the birth mother all that time alone with the baby to bond makes her more likely to change her mind."

This was not the only awful, horrible, terrible thing this woman said. I told our agency about our unpleasant conversations with the assistant. I'm sure she's still working there.

This lawyer does set up semi-open communications with birth parents. It's a requirement for them. So I asked if they could facilitate additional interaction with birth parents beyond the once yearly communication and the assistant said no. They didn't offer any help with any of this. I had to figure it all out on my own while dealing with being a new parent. I felt unsupported. It was disappointing.

I have heard from CC and O a few times before Henry was 6 months. I haven't heard from them for a while. It does make me concerned. But I will continue to email and send pictures via the attorney. I hope that at some time they'll be ready to talk to us again.

Roundtable.

Time out?

Henry enjoying himself at a friend's lake house. He was really into splashing with that spoon.

I feel so busy. I haven't even had time to do any of my mommy things or hang out with my mommy friends lately. It bums me out, but moving requires being busy ALL the TIME and I just haven't been able to do anything lately. Once the contractors are working maybe I can do a little something.

We now need to start thinking about packing up. I'm overwhelmed by this, but we need to start. We are hoping to move in 3-4 weeks so be better get cracking.

Met some new neighbors at the new house. There are teen-aged babysitters there. Right next door! Excellent. I mean, my parents usually want to babysit, but if they can't or I just need an hour or two it's an excellent option.

I want to feel relaxed, but I don't. Maybe once the P&S is signed I'll feel a little relieved.

We called their bluff

I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

We told our buyers, "Take it or leave it."

They came back with, "But... but... but... we don't want to leave it but we want to pay less money. We told you that before!"

This ENRAGED me. ENRAGED. Too bad. Then someone else will buy it. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. So again we said, "Take it or leave it."

They took it. They're buying the house at the originally agreed upon price. Woo!

And I feel like we won! (I hope that's not bad.) So all is good. We don't have to put the house back on the market.

And in other good news, the painter called and he can start working on Monday so the house will be move-in ready earlier than we had previously anticipated! Woo!

(I'm still pissed at our buyers, but at least we're selling the house on our terms. I hope they hate our neighbors.)

All I can think about...

is how we're going to piss away the money for our next adoption on an empty house. And these people who were going to buy our house are expecting a baby, of course.

It's funny how infertility affects parts of your life that you didn't expect.

Still not sure if they're in or they're out. I'm hoping to know for sure by the end of the day.

Bumps in the road

We're having some bumps in the road with selling the house, but I'm crossing my fingers that things will still work out. It's freaking me out a little.

I've been dealing with contractors on a daily basis. I'm bringing Henry and B-dog to the new house every day to help them get used to it. We put a pack n play in H's bedroom and he takes his afternoon nap there. As long as he has his lovey, he'll sleep. He's such a good sleeper. We're so lucky in that regard. (Well, we're lucky with him in so many ways it's difficult to count.)

Today was a sad day for me. I'm trying to get my family together to celebrate Henry's first birthday and one of my brother's family isn't going to be able to be there. I'm feeling rather angry about it right now. But we'll celebrate with my parents and my other brother's family. It's just how it is. It just feels like a big deal right now. The first birthday is a pretty significant one.

Then we hit the bump with selling the house.

I hated having a sad day because things are really good for us. I feel guilty feeling sad when our lives are truly very good, which they are.

So I'm trying to kick the sadness and remember the good. I'm sure it will be fleeting. Our buyers haven't backed out yet, so I guess that's good. I don't know what the deadline is for this so I'm not sure how long I'm going to be worried about it.

But I love the new house. I sat in the back yard with B-dog while Henry slept in his room. It was nice.

ETA:
I think they're going to back out. We're screwed. They wanted an enormous further reduction in price. We will not go down in price from what we originally agreed. Going down further will put us under water. It's ridiculous.

Have I mentioned we're screwed?

I really don't want to be ruined financially. Of my own making. It's not like someone got laid off or anything.

I feel miserable.

Under Agreement

We reached an agreeable price. I think they're getting a steal, but we can live with this.

They figured out about our mutual friend. Said mutual friend reassured me that it's perfectly ok for them to buy our house.

So, pending an inspection we should be closing in mid September.

Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm really looking forward to the new house. It is MUCH bigger and the neighborhood is quieter and full of kids. But as I look at the picture on my blog, I will miss this house. It's a beauty. Our new house isn't nearly as nice on the outside -- it's not a Victorian. It doesn't have those funky details. But it is a nice house and when we fix it up it will be even better. But I do feel a little bittersweet about letting this one go.

Offer

We just got our first offer on the house. It's pretty low, but we probably could get to a place where we could agree.

However, we looked at the names on the offer and it turns out that this couple knows one of T's closest friends. And they're expecting a baby.

I don't want to sell our house to someone who isn't a stranger. They know nothing of our awful neighbors. I feel like I should not let them buy the house as they will regret it soon.

Then again, maybe they have a higher tolerance for such things?

Plus, we haven't had any other offers and not selling this house will ruin us financially.

What would you do?

600

So, apparently I've had 600 posts. That's lot of posts. I've been blogging for a really long time now. I guess I'm bad at it now, and I know barely any people even read this any more. I mean, I don't blame people for not reading it. I only look at a few blogs myself these days. But I really don't want to retire this blog forever.

Our move is getting closer and we're closing in less than two weeks. It's scary. We haven't sold our house yet which is really depressing. We're going to lose so much money on this transaction that it frightens us a little. However, we feel really strongly that we couldn't stay in this house any longer. I love this house, but I can't say I don't regret buying it at all. I mean, I was really unhappy renting where we were renting before we bought this house. We needed to move. This house is really lovely and served us well. It just was the peak of the market and we put so much work into it. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I wish I knew how iffy this neighborhood actually was. I knew it was the "city" but there are lots of streets nearby that are much, much quieter than our street. It's those two neighbors that ruin it, and I guess there was no way to know when we bought the house. If it weren't for those neighbors, we wouldn't be moving at all. So, basically we can blame those neighbors for losing us so much money. Oy. I have to talk about something else. This is sounding so "woe is me" and I don't like it. We do okay and it's "only" money. That's what I keep telling myself.

So, on to Henry, I guess.


He is turning into such a little boy. He is very busy all the time. He is so mobile now -- he can do everything but stand and walk by himself. But he pulls himself up, cruises around, sits down, crawls somewhere else and then pulls himself up. He's started moving around with his toys to bring them different places. He really won't let me feed him that much as he must do everything himself. He's got quite the independent and stubborn streak. Because he was such an easy baby, this takes us aback a little. He is, however, still a charmer and smiles all the time. He laughs easily and will pretty much always smile when I smile and laugh when I laugh.

I think, though I'm not sure, that he's started to say "Mama." But it's so difficult to tell. I was changing his diaper the other day and he looked right in my eyes and said, "Mama" as clear as day. But he does a lot of babbling, so I'm not sure if he was labeling me or if he just made that sound.

July is going to be a busy month. Really, I just hope, hope, hope that our house sells and we can forget all this bull$h1t and put this whole old house thing behind us. We need to move on.

Oh yeah. And one more thing.

Henry and I went to a party at T's office the other day. We saw one of T's co-workers who immediately cooed all over Henry. He has seen Henry before and has expressed his amazement at how much Henry looks like T. (Everyone tells us how much Henry looks like T. I understand where it comes from.) Anyway in his enthusiasm about how much they look alike this man said something to the extent of, "I mean, he looks as if he could actually be your son!"

To which I replied, "He is T's son."

But I don't think he got it.