Happy

We are doing well. Henry still loves Violet and being a big brother. She is growing into a strong, active and aware baby.

Things are very busy, but pretty good. We are working on Henry's behavior issues. He is going to camp at the new school where he will be going to KINDERGARTEN! It is a special ed school where they work on social/emotional/behavioral issues in children while still having them participate in a mainstream classroom. It is perfect for him and I am excited for him to be part of that program.

Doing fine

We are doing fine. Violet is growing and growing. She is smiling and laughing and is no longer a newborn blob. She is definitely a baby. She sleeps well and she just loves her big brother. She stares and stares at him.

Her big brother also loves his little sister. He is more of a helper than I ever imagined. He continues to have his own issues and we have been working on them vigorously. We have a special school he will start in the summer and continue in the fall for Kindergarten. We are going to start him on some medication to help him be a little more under control.

So, things are going. They are a bit crazy, but they are going. Finalization is scheduled for mid June.

Leaving in the morning

I am so nervous. I feel like barfing.

Everything's going to be ok.

Breathe.

Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

Family Tree already?

So, it's H's third full day of preschool and I'm handed a paper by the teacher that says "H's family tree." Oy. The teacher says to "put pictures of your family on it. It's like an 'all about you' activity." So I'm going to ignore this and just put pics of me, H, T, Bdog and R cat on there.

That's ok, right? H is totally not able to talk about adoption on his own right now and I think it's pretty safe to do just our family at home because, really, that's what this thing is for. It's about who you live with. Right?

I didn't expect to have to deal with this already!

They should just label the paper "H's Family" and I'd feel a lot better about it.

Oy.

Just interesting

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.

Bumps in the road

We're having some bumps in the road with selling the house, but I'm crossing my fingers that things will still work out. It's freaking me out a little.

I've been dealing with contractors on a daily basis. I'm bringing Henry and B-dog to the new house every day to help them get used to it. We put a pack n play in H's bedroom and he takes his afternoon nap there. As long as he has his lovey, he'll sleep. He's such a good sleeper. We're so lucky in that regard. (Well, we're lucky with him in so many ways it's difficult to count.)

Today was a sad day for me. I'm trying to get my family together to celebrate Henry's first birthday and one of my brother's family isn't going to be able to be there. I'm feeling rather angry about it right now. But we'll celebrate with my parents and my other brother's family. It's just how it is. It just feels like a big deal right now. The first birthday is a pretty significant one.

Then we hit the bump with selling the house.

I hated having a sad day because things are really good for us. I feel guilty feeling sad when our lives are truly very good, which they are.

So I'm trying to kick the sadness and remember the good. I'm sure it will be fleeting. Our buyers haven't backed out yet, so I guess that's good. I don't know what the deadline is for this so I'm not sure how long I'm going to be worried about it.

But I love the new house. I sat in the back yard with B-dog while Henry slept in his room. It was nice.

ETA:
I think they're going to back out. We're screwed. They wanted an enormous further reduction in price. We will not go down in price from what we originally agreed. Going down further will put us under water. It's ridiculous.

Have I mentioned we're screwed?

I really don't want to be ruined financially. Of my own making. It's not like someone got laid off or anything.

I feel miserable.

Sleepover

T and I had Henry sleep over at his grammie and grampie's house last night. We thought it would be nice for him to get used to being away from us from time to time.

He did well. He woke up twice right after he went down to sleep, but otherwise he did really well. My parents are having a ball with him. He's such a good little boy -- so easygoing.

T and I went out for a nice dinner, though ironically there were a bunch of babies and kids at the restaurant. Our food was delicious and it's a pretty nice restaurant, but it's part of a hotel, so I guess that's why there were so many kids there. It was still enjoyable.

Henry is such a good boy that it doesn't even feel much quieter or less hectic that he's not here. I just miss him.


I cannot wait to see him later this afternoon! I miss my boy!

Thankful

At Grammie's

We went over to Grammie and Grampie's house yesterday. My mom fed him twice and changed a poopy diaper, which thrills her. She just loves babies.

Staring at Grammie

Today there is a costume party at T's office, so I'll get Henry all dolled up and bring him there.

T and I had a discussion/argument about finding our "new" roles now that I've quit my job. I put it in quotes because the roles aren't particularly different, but I have to reframe things a little bit now that I'm not working out of the house. We've always had some differences in perception on how things were divided inside the house, and now that I'm always home it seems like it needs some more shifting. It's a pretty complicated thing for us, especially since domestic chores and such has always been the biggest source of contention in our relationship in general.

I'm finding it interesting that Henry won't really nap very well in his crib, but if we go out and he falls asleep, he'll sleep for hours in his car seat. He naps well in his bouncy seat, too. But it would help me do more things around the house if he'd sleep in his room as I wouldn't worry about leaving him and the animals alone for more than just a moment or two. I don't like to leave them all together alone for 10 or 15 minute stretches.

Henry's stirring. Time to eat again!

In a sweater I made for baby S a few years ago.

frightfully cute, indeed

Henry was very popular over the weekend.

Long weekend

I had a long and busy weekend. My nephew had his bar mitzvah and there were lots of out of town families. Our house lost power for 20 hours, so we ended up staying in the hotel where everyone was staying and driving back and forth for our formal clothing and to walk Bdog. We were running all around, but everyone was doting all over little Henry. I found out 2 of my cousins are expecting, but I wasn't too thrown off by it. I still have some issues around pregnancy, but I didn't feel my stomach drop to the floor. Baby steps, right?

I'm so exhausted that I can't even write anything, but I wanted to post this picture. :)

Bris

I am Jewish. T is not. He's an atheist, and if you ask him his religion, that is what he'll answer. Before we were married, we agreed that we would raise our kids Jewish, and after their bar or bat mitzvah, they would be able to choose whether or how or what or when they would practice Judaism or any other religion.

I never thought we'd have a bris (ritual circumcision). I always figured if we had a boy that he'd be circumcised in the hospital. But I didn't bring it up with the lawyers when the match was made, as I didn't want the decision to circumcise this child to be made by us before we had legal custody of the child. So, Henry is not circumcised.

We told the pediatrician that we wanted to get him circumcised. It comes with the territory when you're Jewish. So we called a local hospital, and it's their policy to not perform a circumcision until a child is over 6 months old. Well, that seems crazy to me! Baby boys are circumcised on day 1 or 2 in the hospital. A bris is performed on day 8.

So, it ended up that we needed a mohel. A non-traditional mohel because Henry is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow.

We made a few phone calls and found a mohel that is also a physician (a urologist, which is the type of doctor we were referred to in the first place). He is coming to the house tomorrow to do a non-traditional short version of a bris.

I'm quite nervous. I know this has been going on for thousands of years, and I know I want to have Henry circumcised, but I wish I didn't have to do this. I'm terrified.

I have shut off comments because I know how controversial circumcision is these days. But, as a Jewish person, it is part of the package and I don't want that discussion to happen here.

My parents, some old family friends, T and I will be the only ones here. I'm scared out of my mind for the first time since Henry has entered our lives.

Perfect Moment Monday

My parents and both my brothers, their wives and their children came over yesterday to meet Henry and to set up a nursery for us. We didn't allow ourselves to prepare for a baby because of all the mental anguish we had been through. They did in about 3 hours what it would have taken us months to do. I can't express how appreciative I am of what they did for us. They worked so hard, including the kids, and they were all just so happy to meet Henry and stare at him and have nothing but love for him. He is truly home now.

MIL is here

My MIL is here from Oregon. We're taking her to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow for one night. We're boarding B-dog for the first time. It's only one night, but I hope he does okay. I think he might miss us, but he doesn't suffer from any separation anxiety, so I think he'll be okay. We went over to visit the house of the person he'll stay with and he totally peed in her house twice. I felt *really* bad about that. :( But she has dogs everywhere and he's never really been in anybody else's house. Still, it's a bad precident.

I think I've pinched something in my hip. I'm having a hard time standing up for more than 5 minutes. When I sit I'm fine, but standing up I get pain and numbness all the way down to my ankle. I need to get this fixed. I went to the chiropractor today, but it didn't really make a difference.

T's been having migraines lately. We wonder if it's stress from all this adoption stuff. They're really bad and it sucks.

MIL is a lovely lady, but we don't have much to talk about and she tends to not want to sit in silence and just talks and talks to fill in the lulls.

I'm supposed to talk with expectant mom again this evening. I called during the day, but she was napping. She asked that I call later tonight, so I will. She had a doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that everything is good, and she is having a 3 hour glucose test on Monday.

Time is going both incredibly quickly and incredibly slowly. I guess I will tell work that I plan to return, even though I think I probably won't. I'm going to tell them the week of the 20th. We'll switch to T's insurance just in case. If I don't return, they'd make us pay the premium and I don't want to get stuck with that. I still am not sure I even want to return, but if they'll take me back part time, I guess I'd consider it. I can ask them if they'll consider that about a month before my 'return' date.

I think we're putting off thinking about more baby stuff until MIL goes home next Saturday.

Still freaking out.
---------------------
ETA:
Spoke with expectant mom again. Less awkward this time. This woman really expects that we are going to parent her child. I just can't wrap my mind around it. She was giving me mommy advice!

1. Have a rocking chair in the baby's room.
2. Have a good nightlight so at night you don't have to turn on a bright overhead for diaper changes or feedings.
3. A bit of information regarding formula. (Not divulged here for privacy reasons.)

She wants T to give expectant dad a call so they can talk 'guy stuff.' Told her maybe next week because MIL is here. I'll have to help with that phone call, but I think it's important to talk to him.

Also, she thinks she might have ultra-sound pictures on a disk and offered to send them over to us. She said there were some good shots. I'm not sure I can look at them, but I do want her to send them over.

I can't believe that this is actually real.

50th

Today is my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. They don't know about this blog, but it's too big of a deal to not mention.

Here is a picture of my mother, my brothers and me when my mother was about the same age as I am now -- probably a year or so younger, actually. My dad was most likely taking the picture and that is why he's not in there.


Would you say I'm around 2 in this picture? Maybe a little younger? If so, my brother S on the left is about 10 and my other brother J in the middle is about 13. My mom would be about 36. I think it's funny that my brothers look like they're paying such attention to me. S looks especially amused by me.

I just can't believe my parents have been married for 50 years. I mean, can you imagine? I know I certainly can't. If T and I are to make it to our 50th, we will both be well into our 80s.

Isn't life funny? What was it that John Lennon said? Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?

Genetics, children and the news

I found the craziest story on the web. You just have to read it. The subtitle is "Two Women Don't Match their Kids DNA -- It's a Medical Mystery" And granted, it is somewhat of an odd situation. Apparently different tissues in their bodies have different DNA -- their blood DNA didn't match the DNA of, for one woman, her thyroid. It's a very rare medical condition they call "chimerism."
However, the issue that I have with this story is this came up in one woman's life because she needed financial assistance from the state and she had to "prove" the children were "hers" via a DNA test. To quote from the article:

"As I sat down, they came up and shut the door, and they just went back and just started drilling me with questions like, 'Who are you?'" Fairchild said. The DNA test results challenged everything she knew about her family. Yes, her boyfriend was the father of the children, and, yes, they were all related, according to the DNA, except for Fairchild. She was told she wasn't the mother.

That's just fucked up. It continues:

Fairchild was not only denied government assistance for her young children, she was now suspected of possibly acting as a paid surrogate mother and committing welfare fraud. She was in danger of having her kids taken away for good. Fairchild said before she left, the social worker told her, "You know, we're able to come get your kids at any time." Fairchild began to panic. She knew they were her kids. So she rushed home to search for photos of her pregnancy and found her children's birth certificates. She told her parents, who couldn't believe the test results.

You just have to read this. I don't know what state this woman lives in, but it frightens me. It's horrible and awful and unfair and terrible. I hope someone is able to help her.

Passover

I read Mel's article about being infertile at Passover. It definitely rings true. But there is another aspect that she did not mention that strikes me as someone waiting to be an adoptive parent.

The story of Moses is an adoption story. Jochebed, Moses's first mother, could not parent Moses due to unacceptable surroundings. She did the only thing she could to save her son that she loved so much - she gave him up. He was brought up in the home of the Pharaoh and was loved and never wanted for anything. She also found a way to help raise him, in that she was able to become his nurse and teach him the ways of his blood. He truly identified with the Hebrews/Israelites -- the people of his genetic origin. He becomes their leader.

One of my favorite authors, Orson Scott Card, who also happens to be Mormon and to write about the bible a lot, has these fictionalized versions of old testament stories. I enjoy learning about the history of religion and enjoyed reading these historical novels, but when it came to the one about Moses -- Stone Tables -- I couldn't get through the beginning. I couldn't get past the adoption aspect, the birth mother, the mix between two peoples. Moses is truly of two peoples -- the Egyptian royal family that raised him and the Hebrew family that gave birth to him and saved him by giving him away.

This isn't talked about much at the seder, but along with all of the infertile women of Jerusalem and all the themes of spring and re-birth and birth that are everywhere in the seder, I am thinking of Moses and what it was like for him to live in two different worlds.

This is the predicament of all adopted people. They have one foot in two different worlds. One foot is with their genetic origins and one foot is with the family that raised them. I can't really imagine what it's like. I know that it's different for each individual that lives with it. Unfortunately there never seems to be a really good answer about how to deal with such situations. I just know that they come up and that people try to make the best of the situation as they can. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.

I know nothing in this world is certain, but one thing that is always certain seems to be blood. That just never goes away no matter what. And it's just so difficult to sort out in my head how to come to terms with the fact that our family will never have that connection.

And yes I believe that connections can be made other ways -- I do not think adoptive families are less, only that they are different. I know my niece was adopted, but I certainly do not believe she is less my niece than her sister or cousin who is related by birth. But I do know that as much a part of the family she feels, she also feels apart in some ways. And that is what it means.

But I did appreciate Heather's statement that being an adoptive family is punk rock. It is. And I like being punk rock. So I'm trying to embrace that.

feelings

I've had a bunch of weird feelings lately. Today, mostly. But I'm PMS/menstrual and my emotions are running high.

My niece is a talented artist. I have one of her oils as the desktop background. Here it is:


The thing is, she painted these while she was 11. If you look at the way she writes her name in the lower right hand corner, you can see that it's not an adult's handwriting.

Here is the first oil paint she ever made. I think she was not even 11 yet, or possible had just turned 11 when she painted it.


She's incredibly talented. So I was showing off her paintings and gloating as a good aunt does, and one of my co-workers asked if there was anyone else in our family that had artistic talent. This is a legitimate question. But then I was faced with a conundrum. I had only a few seconds to decide what to say. There is no one else with artistic talent in the family. Yes, I am good at my knitting and crocheting, but I cannot paint or draw. But the question was out there. I could have just said, "No, no one else in our family has artistic talent," and left it at that. But I didn't. I did say that no one else had any artistic talent, but I prefaced it with the fact that she was adopted.

I felt funny about that later. Was it the right decision? Did I reveal this information when it wasn't necessary? The question implied a genetic reason for this incredible talent that Lauren has, and I decided to address it, but I felt funny about it afterward.

It made me think of my future children. If asked the same question about them, would I reveal that information in that same situation? My gut tells me that I would have, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure where my discomfort comes from. Is it because I feel this is Lauren's information to reveal and I took a liberty? The chances of them ever meeting her is slim to none, but it still made me feel funny, like I did something wrong.

What should I have done?

Sick

I left work at about 11:30 yesterday and stayed home today. I was running a fever. Poor T seems to have it now, too. Luckily I seem to be getting better and I should be go to go back to work tomorrow.

Heard back from the friend I emailed about being a waiting family. She was understanding and said she had some friends who dealt with infertility and 'ended up' adopting. She asked if we were going overseas or staying in the US and told me that if I didn't want to talk about it, she'd understand. So that went ok. I guess it went about as I expected it.

All of my relatives have started joining F@ceb00k now, including my dad and my aunt so I'm getting weary of the whole thing. So maybe I'll be less obsessed with it.

I have exactly 7 more working days at my current job. It's longer than a week because there's a long weekend in between, but it's getting there.