I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.
We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.
It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.
I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.
I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.
I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.
But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.
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7 comments:
It's weird how that happens. How suddenly perception changes. I'm so happy to hear about this new found acceptance. I'm sure the fact that H is so awesome has a lot to do with it :D.
-Heather
I love this post.
I especially love your use of the word 'ebullient.'
But mostly, I'm so happy to hear that you have come to a place of acceptance. It's a GOOD thing. Very, very good.
xoxo
Good for you.
I'm glad you feel like you're making progress.. That's awesome.
I was sad to see your old house disapear off your blog background, but I guess that's only fitting. I hope you're still liking the new place!
I'm adopting, by the way. DH and I have made the decision. (I know it's going to be a long, long process, but we've starting down the road.)
I'm so pleased for you. You have every right to be less-than-enthusiastic about pregnancy announcements. Every person who has dealt with IF does. But I'm glad you've found peace with it all.
I hope to get to this place myself. I am glad you are able to move forward in many ways.
I don't like Facebook ultrasound pictures, either.
I can see your sentiments. Although you have the point to be lonely and sad or sometimes regretful but what matters most is that the feeling you have for your child. Even if it does not come to you or your not even related at all. The thought that you care for your child and you give the best of your love is the more important one. I never had a chance to feel the love a real mother and i have a very awful stepmother but when i think of it, i am still blessed because there are people who used to love me as if they were my real mother.
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