Going crazy

I'm starting to go nuts here. I think I might have PMS which is making me bloat and feel even more emotional than I already am, but this wait is KILLING me.

I can only think about things going wrong. I really don't think N is going to change her mind, but I know B is having a hard time with it. He may have already signed papers, which is legal in FL, but is this ethical? I'm also afraid about the baby having major health problems. I'm also worried about the unknown paternity. H had a rough weekend and I'm worried about dealing with him and the baby.

I'm just suddenly feeling so fearful and like everything is wrong about this.

It's probably just my hormones freaking me out, but I'm going crazy and not in a good way.

Flying down on Sunday

T went to check on hotels in town where the baby will be born. Hotels are booking up quick, so we took a leap of faith and booked hotel and flight for Sunday. We were hoping to wait until Friday after N's doctor's appointment to make sure the time was right, but we feared not getting a hotel room so now it's booked.

Now my big fear is that on Friday the doctor will say to wait a few more weeks. Not sure what we'll do then. I guess just postpone the flight and cancel the hotel booking. More fees. I guess it's only money.

Got a newborn sized doll and we've been practicing playing big brother. Henry is doing quite well. He seems interested and patient about it. I'm guessing it won't last, but at least he's happy about it for now.

We lost our heat for 2 days. It's snowing AGAIN for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to the warm weather, and I don't even really like summer.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm seriously going to start putting things in suitcases.

Holy crap.

Henry and school

Henry goes to two different schools. He goes to a private nursery (PN) in the morning, twice a week. Then he goes to a public Pre-K program in the afternoons, four times a week. I pick him up at PN and he eats lunch in the car and then I drop him off at Pre-K. It's pretty chaotic.

So, next month there is a week of vacation starting Feb 17. We will probably go to FL for the baby at the end of that week and stay for most of the following week.

He has been having lots of discipline and behavior problems at PN. He started out going four times a week, but he was too much for them to handle and we switched down to the two days where they have the smallest enrollment because he needs so much one on one attention.

So, with him missing half of February and me not know how I can deal with a newborn who will need to feed when I have to drop him off and pick him up and eat in the car, I am thinking about pulling him out of the morning school.

Henry tells me he doesn't really like PN. He seems to like it well enough to me, but when I ask him why he has so much trouble making good choices there, he says it's because he doesn't like it. He likes Pre-K.

When I mentioned to Henry what he thought about not going back to PK, he was all for it.

I told the director of PK that we were thinking of pulling him. She seemed pretty ambivalent about it. I feel pretty ambivalent about it too. I'm not sure if it's a bad idea or not. I do think it will make my life easier. The baby will be home in March. The weather will be getting better. We will be able to play outside in the mornings and we can even walk to Pre-K with the baby in the stroller.

Is it bad to pull Henry out of PK in the middle of the school year? I want somebody to tell me that it's ok to do.

Blah.

More information

The social worker from the attorney's office talked to N again. She reiterated that she is feeling very sick. She said that she has no intentions of keeping the baby at all.

I feel awful. I hope they don't think we are a$$holes.

I feel so helpless and out of control.

The baby is due in 6 weeks.

Behavior Issues

Henry is having some behavior issues. I know this is pretty normal for an active three-year-old boy, but he is having problems in school. Today was a particularly bad day. He had to go sit in the director's office for a bit. One of the teachers told me that they felt like one of them had to stay with H and be one-on-one with him and that left the other teacher to deal with all of the other kids. He is openly defiant and doesn't respond to consequences.

They know I know this. He is like this at home. I am pretty consistent and do the time out thing and I can, with time and effort and endless patience (sometimes), get him to do what I need him to do.

He is also really fine sometimes. If we go to a playground, he is usually pretty good. He is very active and loves to climb.  He is a little handsy at times, but if I put him in time out at the playground he will stay in time out and usually be a bit better afterward.

The thing is, he has biological relatives who have some serious behavioral issues. Some of this stuff must be genetic. I am a little afraid.

I don't want him to get kicked out of school. I don't want him to have no friends.

Today I am worried. I left a voice mail to my old therapist to get some advice. I really, sincerely hope he grows out of this, but I am concerned.

He can be so wonderful sometimes. And he's adorable. Why can't he just listen a little bit?

Happenings

We had the hearing test today. He passed! His hearing is within the normal range. I suspected his hearing was fine because of his reactions to noises. However, it is still a relief to have a test confirm it.

I sent off our first letter to CC and O. yesterday. I printed some pictures and wrote what I could think of. I feel like our letter is woefully inadequate. I do plan to send them and email with some additional pictures this week. I want to tell them to let me know if they want the electronic versions of the pictures we printed. In fact, I just looked at the contract we signed and I think I left out some information that I'm supposed to supply. But I'm hopeful that because I'm going to encourage them to ask if there is something they want to know that we didn't include, that this will work out.

I feel so crazy busy. People keep telling me that I might get bored, but at this point I can't imagine it. I still worry about what's going to happen with work. I went back to visit yesterday and no one did anything but assume that I'm going to come back to work full time. I'm not. In fact, I'm dreading the idea of returning at all. I'm definitely thinking about staying home, but I haven't made any final decisions yet.

I just made myself worry about the letter and pictures. Dammit, I hate when I do that. I tend to lose sleep over things like this.

Things are good. I love being a mom, and I definitely feel a lot more like a mom. Our boy is precious, and I know he is comforted just by my presence or my voice. I can't believe this has finally happened to me. I am enjoying every minute of it, even the exhausted ones.

Everything is okay

I spoke to the attorney in FL. They had spoken with expectant dad. Everything is fine. Expectant mom is so done with being pregnant. She wants it to be over. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and may ask to be induced.

While talking to the attorney's office we got to talking about money. This made me feel awful. It's terrible how much economics plays into the decision to place. I know for a fact that is not the only reason this couple is placing, but it is definitely a huge factor. I hate to feel like I'm 'buying' a baby.

I was sitting here reading parts of "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and found something that rang true. Adoptive parent guilt doesn't really help the situation. It doesn't make us better parents. We need to let go of the guilt and do what's best for the baby. The expectant parents cannot provide what this baby needs for many different reasons, including financial ones. It is not fair, but it is true. We should be proud of them that they recognize this and made an intelligent choice in who to entrust with raising their baby
so that he will have a good life. We will make sure he knows this about them and how much they love him. We will communicate with them throughout his life so that they can see he is doing well and he can know who his birth parents are and who he looks like and where he comes from.

The attorney's office also mentioned that sometimes at the very end, near labor, expectant parents pull away from adoptive parents because the reality of what's happening is setting in. I get that. Makes sense.

But they're still talking to the adoption agency which means they are still counting on this plan. Though this doesn't surprise me. This nervousness comes more from me and my own insecurities than from anything this expectant couple has said or done. They have been nothing but reassuring, honest and up front with us. And I get the feeling that they like us and are happy with the match.

So, I guess I'll get an update after expectant mom's doctor's appointment.

No answer

Called expectant mom tonight. Went straight to voicemail. I know that they run out of minutes often and have changed numbers once already since we were matched because they use those prepaid phones and had to get a new one to get new minutes. However, it still makes me nervous.

Off

We leave for vacation tomorrow morning. We're going off the grid. No cell phones, no computers, just books and trees and each other. (And the dog.)

I'm really looking forward to it.

August is just about here. We keep talking about preparing for this possible arrival. People expect me to be excited about it. I don't feel the least bit excited right now. I do feel a little nervous, but I guess I don't really think it's going to work out. Something somewhere is going to go wrong. This has been our story for so long that I can't imagine it being any different.

Expectant mom seems to not want to talk about 'it' very much. We've talked a few times and she's happy to talk about her life and what's going on, but not about what's supposed to happen.

We don't know how much to communicate with them. We call because we want them to know we think about them, but we don't want to bother them.

So we wait. We get away. I really hope I can relax during this vacation and not worry too much. I seem to always find something to worry about. I was worried about work this morning, but now that I'm away from work I'm not worried about it. So I find things to worry about. I worry that things are not going to work out.

Freak out

I just looked at our employee handbook. You're supposed to give 30 days notice for FMLA. I'm supposed to give, in writing, my intention to return to work. I don't know if I'm going to return to work or not. How do I decide this?!?

I've said out loud that I'm going to ask if I can come back part time, but I'm not sure if I really want to do that or not. But the whole thing is, what if we go to Florida and come home without a baby? Then I will need this job.

I'm so scared of all of this.

I'm not sure when to tell work. I was thinking I would tell after my work trip to Florida on 7/27, but I think I have to do it earlier.

We need a pediatrician. We're going on vacation for a week on August 1st. I need to get a tune up on my car. We need to get the dog a check-up.

I have an appointment for a 'meet and greet' with a pediatrician on July 23. We haven't even seen the expectant parents' medical records yet.

I keep having appointments and missing work for sorting all this stuff out. I'm so stressed. I can't calm down. I was freaking out about organizing all the baby stuff, but it turns out that's the easy part. I feel so stressed for time! And I feel like I'm pushing the limits of missing work for all these appointments.

My MIL is coming to stay for a week. She arrives tomorrow.

I'm FREAKING OUT.
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ETA: Oh, and we can't agree on a name, either.

upstairs

B-dog can officially go up and down the stairs by himself. It's still quite awkward, but he can do it.

Had someone over the house today and he growled a little at her when she tried to give him treats or talk to him. Didn't like that much. He was in his bed, so at first I thought it was a bed thing but when he got up off his bed and she tried, he still growled.

This surprised me since I can interrupt him from eating without a problem and can sit in his bed space without any reaction.

I need to get him to training classes ASAP it seems. I need to know how to curb this as I want E&R to come over with little S to meet B-dog. But I don't want to do that if B-dog is growling at people he doesn't know.

I've felt so optimistic because B-dog has been so docile with us that when we suddenly bring a baby back with us it shouldn't be a problem, and now my nervousness has increased.

Man, I knew I was an over worrier before, but I have gone out of control with the worrying lately. I always thought I'd be okay with a baby, but now I'm starting to think that I'm going to make myself crazy when something finally happens.

I'm thinking of going to the store and picking up some flowers and playing in the garden.

It's going

In general, things with Bistro are going well. He is a bit more of a puppy than we had originally anticipated (he is 3), but if we walk him enough he does well. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow as he seems to really hate his crate, but he's not ready to be left alone out of it yet.

1) He's wearing a cone collar thing to stop him from licking a wound on his leg. He needs it. But it makes him really awkward.

2) The cats are still unsure about him -- especially the girl cat -- and I want them to be able to have free reign of the house and to be able to see him and get used to him with a wall between.

3) Because of his 'puppiness' he needs lots of walks and while we're at work we're not going to be able to walk him nearly as much which means he'll be less tired which means more chewing/wrecking type behaviors.

We've had him 48 hours so far, and he's generally doing great. He definitely has some separation anxiety, but it seems exacerbated by the crate. The first night he slept in the crate and I slept downstairs with him and he barked a lot. Last night we let him sleep downstairs outside of the crate and he did great! He barks sometimes, but he mostly seems to bark when he's in his crate, whether we're home or not.

I am the biggest worry wart in the world. I think this is what I've gotten out of all of this. I'm already thinking of what it will be like to have both a dog and a newborn. You know how you can usually leave a baby on the floor in the car seat? I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. We'll have to put the baby on the table.

I'm insane to be thinking of these things. I'm already worried that I won't be able to handle both the dog and the baby. I thought about this before, but I thought it would be okay. Thousands of people handle both a dog and a baby. Why am I any different from those people?

What is wrong with me!?!?

more sick

T came home sick on Tuesday. We went to bed pretty early.

T woke me up at about 4:30. He had been up for 45 minutes and his chest HURT. It wouldn't go away. It seemed to be getting worse. It wasn't burning or radiating, but it was BAD. We had to go to the ER.

Drove him there. It took forever. When we got to the desk, he couldn't even stand up.

He went in for tests. I really didn't think it was his heart because he had had 2 different stress tests not too long ago and some EKGs and they were all normal, but they had to test it. They gave him aspirin and nitroglycerine and then some morphine. The morphine didn't help. They gave him an x-ray and a CT scan. All negative.

They gave him some even stronger drugs and finally, finally he could actually sit still without writhing in pain. It was about 7am at this point.

They released him because they had no idea what was causing it. He has to follow up with is primary care doctor. He got some meds.

Now it's close to 8. I had been home for the past two days, so I had to go to work. I wanted to stay home with him, but I couldn't. So he went back to bed and I showered and went to work.

The meds seemed to help and went down to just ibuprophen by evening. He was even better this morning. But I'm still super worried about him. Then he had a work disaster today and didn't even leave the office until almost 7pm. (It's ten til right now and he may have just left just now.)

He works too hard. I think it was caused by stress. He won't work less hard and I'm worried this will happen again. I need him to exercise and he doesn't.

But he is a bit better. But I remain very worried.

Tomorrow is Friday. No work on Monday. We leave for FL one week from Saturday.

Whisper

One of the cats T grew up with who was living with T's mom died today. Goodbye Whisper. Whisper was always a sickly cat, but he kept MIL company. Since T's dad died, MIL has lived alone on the other side of the country and at least we knew that Whisper kept her company. Now Whisper is gone and T feels like she has no connections left in Oregon. He is worried that with his dad gone and Whisper gone that MIL will not have the will to live much longer.

MIL is in reasonably good health and is a stubborn farm girl, and I don't think this is the case. That being said, I do worry a lot about her living alone on the other side of the country with only a few friends.

But out here she would have no friends at all. And we don't know how she could afford to live if we moved her out here.

But these are worries for a different day. Today we mourn Whisper who died on his own at the Vet's while waiting to be put down. He always did want to do things his own way, that Whisper. And he did it to the last. He lived a long life and was a good cat. He didn't suffer and he spent his last days at home with MIL in comfort.

Take care, Whisper.