Leaving in the morning

I am so nervous. I feel like barfing.

Everything's going to be ok.

Breathe.

Pushed flight out til Thursday

N went to the doctor. She's only 2 cm and 80% effaced. I asked her if we should delay the flight, and she thought so, so now we aren't leaving until Thursday.  She has an appointment on Friday the 28th and she said I could go with her. So, we will fly out Thursday morning for sure.

If she doesn't go into labor on her own they will schedule her to be induced the following week. So, Thursday is a good day no matter what.

Hopefully she doesn't go into labor on her own before then. She sounded pretty confident that she wouldn't, but I suppose you never know.

More waiting. Ack!

Days feel like years at this point.

Breathing.

Flying down on Sunday

T went to check on hotels in town where the baby will be born. Hotels are booking up quick, so we took a leap of faith and booked hotel and flight for Sunday. We were hoping to wait until Friday after N's doctor's appointment to make sure the time was right, but we feared not getting a hotel room so now it's booked.

Now my big fear is that on Friday the doctor will say to wait a few more weeks. Not sure what we'll do then. I guess just postpone the flight and cancel the hotel booking. More fees. I guess it's only money.

Got a newborn sized doll and we've been practicing playing big brother. Henry is doing quite well. He seems interested and patient about it. I'm guessing it won't last, but at least he's happy about it for now.

We lost our heat for 2 days. It's snowing AGAIN for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to the warm weather, and I don't even really like summer.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm seriously going to start putting things in suitcases.

Holy crap.

Almost panicked

N called this morning saying the midwife were sending her to the hospital for an ultrasound. She thought the baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. N assured me that the baby was up all night (keeping her up) and the morning was her quiet time and she was sure everything was fine.

Of course, she doesn't live in infertility and baby loss world where I live, so I panicked. And there is a snow storm today and there is no way we could get a flight until Friday night at the earliest and more realistically, Saturday.

She called after the ultrasound. We are not in go mode. She is only 1 1/2cm dilated. The baby looks great. They still want to keep her in utero for a couple more weeks, if possible.

So I panicked, but now I've calmed down. We have a little more time.

Breathe.

Ultrasounds

N mailed us some ultrasounds and a lovely letter. So now we have pictures of this baby in utero. I feel so lucky that this woman is willing to share so much of herself with us for the benefit of this child.

Heartbeat

N called while she was on a monitor and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.

She's only 1 cm dilated. They're hoping to keep the baby in for 2 more weeks. They told N to take it easy.

Almost go time

Spoke to N today. She reassured me that she would not be changing her mind. She wants me in the delivery room and she wants to see us a few times before we leave for home. She definitely wants to keep in touch, which is more than ok by me.

She says the baby has dropped and she's feeling contractions in her back. She thinks it's only going to be a couple of days before she goes into labor. She has a monitoring appointment tomorrow. She may call for the appointment so I can hear.

There has always been a question of paternity for this baby. She really thought it was B but now that she thinks she might be going into labor, she is unsure. Because B has been there for her throughout her pregnancy, he considers himself the birth father.

This is freaking me out a little bit. The other potential father is African American, so I guess we will figure it out eventually. We have known this all along, and it obviously has pretty huge implications for our family. We may not even know when the baby is born, as complexion changes over time. T and I have discussed this and we know if the baby is biracial then we will have to make some extra effort in our lives that we would not if the baby is white. We are willing to do this. We understand its implications.

But we don't know when to bring this up with our families. We have not mentioned this as a possibility to them, and we don't really want to unless it is necessary.

So, more freaking out by me. N is 37 weeks, according to dates by ultrasound. We think she would be 41 weeks if B is not the father, but who really knows. Dates are difficult to remember about these things.

So much

My father had to have some oral surgery. The night of his surgery (it was day surgery, so he was home) my mother fell down the stairs and broke her pelvis. She didn't call an ambulance until the morning and had to go into a rehab center. She is coming home today. My brothers and I had to go care for my recovering dad while my mom was away. Now we will have to help take care of my mom, though luckily my dad is well enough to help too.

This was last Tuesday. Needless to say, it's been a crazy week.

I hadn't heard from N for a couple weeks, but she finally texted me today. She said the baby is dropping, so it's definitely coming soon. We are basically ready here, except for T at work and Henry having some therapies that don't finish until the 17th. I'm hoping we can wait until after the 17th, but the baby will come when she comes.

So I'm completely freaked out and not relaxed. I'm having a difficult time getting things done.

Two weeks.

3 weeks

The anticipation is killing me. I keep fearing the worst and hoping for the best. N asked if we could have some girl talk on Sunday, but she never answered her phone or called, and she hasn't responded to my texts since then.

I'm sure she's uncomfortable, and she's had a pretty crappy pregnancy, and she told me that she is feeling sad about the upcoming adoption, so I think all of these things factor in to us not communicating much, but it is still freaking me out a little.

Really, things could happen at any time, but I'm thinking it's going to be the week of Feb 18.

Like I said, the anticipation is killing me.

Sigh.

In touch

I spoke with N this evening. She is feeling really sick and the reality that this is going to happen soon is hitting her and she is beginning to feel sad about it.

She told me that the doctor said they want to induce her at 39 weeks. Her due date is Feb 28, so looks like it's going to be closer to 5 weeks from now.

Things are on track.

Ack.

More information

The social worker from the attorney's office talked to N again. She reiterated that she is feeling very sick. She said that she has no intentions of keeping the baby at all.

I feel awful. I hope they don't think we are a$$holes.

I feel so helpless and out of control.

The baby is due in 6 weeks.

Nervous

Feeling scared and nervous today. I haven't had a real conversation with N for over a week. She missed her last two doctor's appointments, according to our attorney.

I had two brief voice contacts with her and one today with B, the expectant dad. He answered her cell phone. She clearly didn't want to talk to me, but he sounded like he felt bad that she hadn't called me back at all.

I'm figuring that if they were backing out that he wouldn't have answered the phone at all.

The attorney did have contact with N as well. She said she hasn't been feeling well. B told me that they were about to do laundry and were just very busy.

I don't need to have a long conversation. I just need to know that they are doing ok and that everything is still on track. I need to be sure they haven't decided to back out. If they don't want to talk to me, I understand. That is fine. But if they are thinking of parenting, I hope that they would tell us.

I'm freaking out a bit. I think that she might just be not feeling well and not in a good emotional place, which is completely understandable. But I am still worried.

Visited

Our visit with expectant parents N & B was harrowing, but good. We had a difficult time connecting, more difficult than we had hoped, but when we did finally meet up it was great.

Well, it was really sad. B is having an especially difficult time with the placement. But he said meeting us and seeing us helped him a lot. He knows that they cannot parent this baby right now no matter how much he wishes he could.

We even met N's mom and stepdad and one of her daughters. They are all supportive of the adoption.

They asked us about names. We told them we'd like to meet the baby before deciding, but that we had a few in mind. We asked what they wanted to name the baby and we liked the name a lot. After we got home, we asked if we could use the name they like as a middle name so that the baby could have one name from us and one name from them. They loved that idea.

We cried and hugged. T and I are so glad we decided to go down there.

Seven more weeks.

Visit

Expectant mom, N, wants to meet us in person. So T and I are planning on making a quick trip down to FL to meet her and expectant dad, B, this weekend.

Ack!

This shorter wait with an expectant mom who likes contact is SO MUCH DIFFERENT than our previous failed match. It feels like we should have known it wouldn't work out the last time. But I guess you never know anything for sure and hindsight is 20/20.

So the plan is to leave Henry with my parents and fly down and back quickly and meet them. I'm nervous, but I've spoken to both of them on the phone, so it's a little less nerve wracking. She really is very sweet and I can tell she really wants to love us.

Things are getting very real, very quickly.

Possibly matched

The expectant mom liked our profile. We spoke on the phone last night. We liked her. There is something about her that reminds us of CC. They are both very straight forward and don't hide anything. She invited me to the birth.

Wow.

There are a few extra risks and chances with this match that we ordinarily might not want to take, but it's kind of feeling like this might be the right match for us.

We really feel we had the right match with Henry's birth parents. If we get that feeling now, we should listen.

I'm surprisingly calm about this right now. No paperwork has been signed yet, but this may in fact be a match.

!!!!!

Showing our profile

We are having our profile shown to some expectant parents. It's a girl due at the end of February.

As with all these situations, there are some complexities to this situation, but we have decided we think the risks are worth it. If we are chosen, we can hopefully resolve a few of the question marks before the baby is born to ensure this is the right situation for us.

I am feeling anxious about it. I will not let myself be excited or hopeful.

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As a side note, Henry's behavior has improved enough lately thanks to some therapies, glasses and some suggestions from friends around food, that I have found myself once again hoping a baby would enter into our lives before Henry grows too much older.

Here's to whatever.

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Here's Henry on Halloween with his new glasses. In case you wondered, he was a "puzzle bug." (His invention.)

And another thing

Just got a call from the adoption agency about an expectant mom with a baby due in two weeks.

There is virtually no information, but we are potentially interested. We are awaiting more medical information about mom and baby.

This is crazy. I have no idea where this is going to go. My head is spinning. I'm not sure whether or not to be excited.

But we are going to be presented to an expectant mom who is due very soon. Not having a long match would be so ideal at this point.

We will see where this wave takes us.

Two months left

Two months until K's due date. We have been telling Henry that he is going to be getting a brother. This morning he asked me, "Why isn't my brother here yet?" Perhaps we told him too early. He is clearly thinking about what it will mean.

He's asking about where his brother is now. I told him he is in his birth mom's uterus. Then I asked him whose uterus he grew in. He said me. This is the first time he has said that. But I said no, that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I asked him again and he said CC's name. He is clearly thinking about things.

I am starting to feel anxious, but I also just want this wait to be over.

I am assuming that the baby will need to stay in the NICU for a month (which is pretty much worst case scenario) and I just don't know how we will handle that. I have kept the maintenance method of the expectant mom to myself, not letting the family know. I don't know how I will keep it from my parents if they come to FL when the baby is born to help care for Henry.

But this wait is so difficult. I am emotionally prepping the best I can, but we have been matched for a long time now. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling Henry. Not sure how to explain if K changes her mind.

But things are still moving forward. We have two months until the baby is due.

Yikes.

Potty trained!

It's been a long winter. Henry had pneumonia twice. He was really, really sick and had been in school for only 3 out of the last 15 weeks due to school vacations and illness. It's been a rough time for us, though he is doing much better now. He is on a nebulizer for another month to try and avoid another bout of pneumonia if he gets another cold. He had 105 in the doctor's office. It was bad. Thank goodness he's better.

We were just in FL for a week. My mom hurt her back so it was good that I was there to help her. It wasn't the most fun vacation, but I was able to relax and knit a lot, and it was good to get away.

The best thing that happened is that H is potty trained! So pleased to not have to change diapers any more! He is doing a great job and I am very proud of him. He's even been dry a few nights. He was afraid of potties that were not his frog potty for a while (the one from T@rget) but I have a potty seat and he has adjusted. He is doing so great, I am so proud.

Got an update from expectant mom K's social worker. Things are looking good and normal. She's 25 weeks along now. I asked for confirmation on the sex of the baby, but at the last ultrasound the baby was curled up so tight they couldn't see and do all the required measurements, so she has to go back next week to complete the testing. But everything seems to be looking good for her health and the baby's health so far. The social worker says she still seems committed to the adoption plan. She still wants it to be completely closed.

We're still just waiting. We are talking to Henry a little bit in the abstract about "when" he is going to be a big brother. He mentions it in passing sometimes.

The due date is really only 3 months away.

Here's hoping H stays healthy and is able to go to school consistently. We both really need it.

Information

We got some more health information about K. She is currently 16w6d along, meaning her due date is at the end of June. (We had originally been told the end of May.) She made it to her most recent doctor's appointment, which is good, since she had previously missed a couple. She is going to a perinatalogist due to her meth@d0ne treatment.

Feeling a little better about the sex of the baby. We've been talking names already, which might be dangerous. But we think we have one.

Henry has been sick a bunch and all the time I keep thinking that I'm glad I don't have to deal with an infant while dealing with all of this stuff. But I do want another infant. Sometimes I get scared of how much work it will be, but I still know this is what I want. I hope I am able to be flexible so that H can get all the activity he needs while the baby can still nap. I usually pick H up from school at 2pm. Will I not be able to do that next year?

The end of June seems a long, long way away. H will be done with school (and hopefully in some sort of summer program). My parents will have gone to Florida for two months and come back. I will have hosted our family Passover seder at our house. I will have turned 41.

But it will come and whether or not we bring that baby home, our lives will be forever changed.