Visit

We visited with CC, Henry's birth mom, today. It was a great day. H was hesitant at first but warmed up quickly. He gave her a flower and wanted to show her everything and play with her. He wouldn't give her a hug, but he was happy to see her. He knew she was special to him. 

When I showed him Violet's ultrasounds before she was born, he wanted to know if there were any if him. I never got any, but I told him he could ask CC when we saw her. Guess who remembered to ask today. Henry amazes me all the time. 

So glad we got this time together. 

Here are the kids again. Henry asked to hold Violet every morning so far. 

Visit

Expectant mom, N, wants to meet us in person. So T and I are planning on making a quick trip down to FL to meet her and expectant dad, B, this weekend.

Ack!

This shorter wait with an expectant mom who likes contact is SO MUCH DIFFERENT than our previous failed match. It feels like we should have known it wouldn't work out the last time. But I guess you never know anything for sure and hindsight is 20/20.

So the plan is to leave Henry with my parents and fly down and back quickly and meet them. I'm nervous, but I've spoken to both of them on the phone, so it's a little less nerve wracking. She really is very sweet and I can tell she really wants to love us.

Things are getting very real, very quickly.

Potty trained!

It's been a long winter. Henry had pneumonia twice. He was really, really sick and had been in school for only 3 out of the last 15 weeks due to school vacations and illness. It's been a rough time for us, though he is doing much better now. He is on a nebulizer for another month to try and avoid another bout of pneumonia if he gets another cold. He had 105 in the doctor's office. It was bad. Thank goodness he's better.

We were just in FL for a week. My mom hurt her back so it was good that I was there to help her. It wasn't the most fun vacation, but I was able to relax and knit a lot, and it was good to get away.

The best thing that happened is that H is potty trained! So pleased to not have to change diapers any more! He is doing a great job and I am very proud of him. He's even been dry a few nights. He was afraid of potties that were not his frog potty for a while (the one from T@rget) but I have a potty seat and he has adjusted. He is doing so great, I am so proud.

Got an update from expectant mom K's social worker. Things are looking good and normal. She's 25 weeks along now. I asked for confirmation on the sex of the baby, but at the last ultrasound the baby was curled up so tight they couldn't see and do all the required measurements, so she has to go back next week to complete the testing. But everything seems to be looking good for her health and the baby's health so far. The social worker says she still seems committed to the adoption plan. She still wants it to be completely closed.

We're still just waiting. We are talking to Henry a little bit in the abstract about "when" he is going to be a big brother. He mentions it in passing sometimes.

The due date is really only 3 months away.

Here's hoping H stays healthy and is able to go to school consistently. We both really need it.

CC called

Out of nowhere, CC called me. I missed the call, but I called back. I wasn't sure it was her when I was calling back, but it was and I talked to her on the phone.

They moved and the packages we sent didn't get to her. The agency mailed them to her, but she never received them. She said she'd send me her address and I'd resend them. She said she got our emails, etc.

It wasn't weird talking to her, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She sounded good and happy. Good things seem to be happening in their lives. They've had a bunch of not so great things happen, but they seem to be going okay.

I told her how well H was doing. We talked for about half an hour. I was walking home from H's music class. I didn't block our 'real' number so I think she has our last name and my real phone number now. (We originally gave her a forwarded number to her.)

It was nice to hear from them. We had been worried about them. I feel really badly that they hadn't received the last updates. She was bummed too.

I like that we can talk to them. I'm not sure what our open relationship is really going to be like. I am certain I want to communicate with them regularly, but I'm not certain what that communication is going to look like. I don't like unpredictable things, so that part of this makes me nervous. But It really was a relief to hear from them and that things are going pretty well.

Open Adoption Roundtable #18

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Massachusetts is an agency state. Our agency was great. They had us educate ourselves a lot about openness and even required that we meet with some birth parents as part of our home study. We asked questions about how they felt about openness which really helped me learn what it was about and helped alleviate some of my fears about it. Our agency definitely encouraged openness, even if it was just in our approach to adoption. I really appreciate all that our agency did to help us.

Henry was born in Florida. We used an attorney down there. Her attorney has an assistant/paralegal. She was awful. I know another couple who used the same attorney. They also had problems with this assistant. What makes me really sad is that she, herself is an adoptive mom.

We were notified that CC was in labor at about 7pm on August 14. he was born around 10. We knew we'd have to get B-dog taken care of and set up flights, etc so we knew we wouldn't be able to leave until the next morning. We told the assistant this. She said something to the effect of, "Can't you get there sooner? Allowing the birth mother all that time alone with the baby to bond makes her more likely to change her mind."

This was not the only awful, horrible, terrible thing this woman said. I told our agency about our unpleasant conversations with the assistant. I'm sure she's still working there.

This lawyer does set up semi-open communications with birth parents. It's a requirement for them. So I asked if they could facilitate additional interaction with birth parents beyond the once yearly communication and the assistant said no. They didn't offer any help with any of this. I had to figure it all out on my own while dealing with being a new parent. I felt unsupported. It was disappointing.

I have heard from CC and O a few times before Henry was 6 months. I haven't heard from them for a while. It does make me concerned. But I will continue to email and send pictures via the attorney. I hope that at some time they'll be ready to talk to us again.

Roundtable.

Open Adoption Interview Project

For the Open Adoption Interview Project, I got to know Kristin at Parenthood Path. Go visit her and read about her wonderful son, Dylan! Also, go visit the project and read some other interviews. Here is my interview with Kristin:

You don't talk much about your journey to adoption as you started your
blog after that decision was made. Can you talk a little bit more
about how you and your husband came to the decision to adopt? Were
you ever not in the same place? Did you grieve your biological
offspring or did it just seem right from the beginning? I'd love to
hear a little more about this journey (if it's not too private).

This is something I address some in the early posts on my blog. In short, we came to a fork in the road regarding our fertility treatments, when we had to decide whether to pursue IVF - which would not be covered by insurance, or another path to parenthood, or even resolving to live child-free. The more we researched, the more nervous we got about additional medical intervention (for various reason), and the more excited we got about adoption. Open adoption in particular calmed many of our fears - emotional and ethical concerns for everyone involved - about 'raising someone Else's child."

Fortunately, M. and I stayed very close to the same place in our thinking and feelings about our family building. Yes, there were many tough conversations and some periods of great uncertainty. But I think our reservations about our options were similar, and our preferences for the different risks and rewards were shared. Dealing with infertility was so stressful, I am immensely grateful that it didn't also add a lot of conflict to our relationship.

There was definitely grief involved in giving up the dream of having a biological child with M. Since Dylan was placed with us, I've often joked that we could not have created such a good and cute baby ourselves. I truly do believe this. But that doesn't erase the years of disappointment, and a sense that I've missed out on some beautiful human experiences.

I'm not one who believes in fate and that our struggles were necessary to bring us our intended son. But I can't imagine being happier or more fortunate than I do as Dylan's mom.

How often to you communicate with your son's birth parents? What methods (letter, phone, email, IM, etc) do you use?

This is something I've wanted to write about on my own blog, but haven't known quite how to approach it.

Unfortunately, we have no contact with his birth father and never had. We have very little information about him. I hope this changes in the future.

We haven't heard from his birth mother in almost two months now. I've emailed her a couple of times with little updates and cute photos, but there's been no response. It's hard to know how hard to push. In our open adoption agreement, we decided (at V.'s urging) on visits about every other month, and phone calls or emails at least every month. So I will continue to write to her at about that pace, unless she indicates another preference.

We are disappointed and sad not to have more regular contact with our son's other mother (or father) - which I think surprises a lot of people in our lives.

Do you get 'feedback' from Dylan's birth parents about how the communications are going?

The initial feedback was encouraging. It felt comfortable (at least to us) and natural, which makes the current lack of contact more surprising and disappointing.

One thing I regret is that I didn't get a mobile phone and learn to text sooner. I know his birth mom likes to text, and that might have been the easiest way for her to stay in touch. But it just wasn't possible for me until I finally got a new phone a few weeks ago....

How has your cat reacted to Dylan? (And other pets if you have them, of course.)

I love this question!

Any fear we had about the old wives's tale about cats smothering infants in their cribs has been abated by our funny guy. For the most part, Suleyman has been indifferent to Dylan. Initially, he just kept his distance, although we noticed that if the crying got too loud, the cat would remove himself from the vicinity (which is a big deal for a lazy cat).

More and more, Suley is willingly approaching the boy with some apparent curiosity. And Dylan is of course becoming more and more curious about this beast that is about his size. A few times, Dylan has reached out and grasped Suleyman's soft fur. Unfortunately, this tugging has not been well received, with the cat either hightailing it outa there, or responding with a swat. So far, Dylan's escaped without a scratch. It's hard to know how much to protect the little human while encouraging him to interact with the more mature feline.

I've attached a couple of photos of our two boys together. The first - in which Suley reveals his boredom with Dylan with a huge yawn - is from December, when Dylan was 2.5 months old. The other is from February, when Dylan was about 4 months old and beginning to take a bit more interest in his furry brother.



Do you think you approach parenthood differently because you are an adoptive mom and not a bio mom?

I approached your questions be responding to the easiest first. This is the last one I've been able to get my head - and heart - around. It's such an interesting, important question. In fact, Rachel, you know I like it so much that I asked it back to you. Pre-placement, I would have been fascinated by other adoptive parents' responses to the question, and I suppose I still am.

But the truth is, I don't have a good answer for it myself. I've thought a lot about it (before placement and since), and I haven't resolved anything. Part of this is because I'm not a bio mom, so it's tough to make a comparison with something so abstract.

I think that in the mundane, day-to-day things, my approach to parenthood is no different. I am loving and caring for this little child no differently than if he had my genes or came from my body. In short, I don't think that I am parenting differently.

However, I do think that parenthood is different for me. And to try to explain that, I'll use someone else's words. (I hope you don't mind.) This unknown author* articulates so well many of my own feelings about being a mom after infertility and through adoption.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love
their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have
read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are
those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I
will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound
of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I
am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take
another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this
insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child
that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God
leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better
wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have
been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in
order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I
have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only
comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

* I'd love to know who wrote this, so if anyone can clue me in, I'd be grateful

You had a post about wondering when to share that Dylan is adopted. (I have a similar post.) When DO you share that info?

I share this info now when it seems truly relevant, which has been less frequently of late. When people compliment me on his cuteness, I no longer explain that I had nothing to do with it. I just say, "Thank you." I've noticed fewer confused looks when others see the three of us together, and I suspect it is not because we're getting them any less, but because my sensitivity to our "matching" has diminished.

Part of my reluctance is that when I've been having a typical conversation about being a new mom, if I bring up the adoption, the talk will inevitably shift from inquiries about how well he's sleeping and eating, how smiley and "talkative" he is, to where he's "from" or how we "got" him.

On the other hand, I'll often share the info because, as an educator, I sometimes feel a responsibility - mostly to my son - to seize opportunities to educate people about adoption, and open adoption in particular. I so want our experience to be more "normalized," so there is no stigma surrounding adoption. If there are occasions when bringing up how Dylan came to our family seems like an opportunity to shed some light, then I'll usually go for it.

A few times in the last month or so, I've been on campus with him, and people who haven't seen me in awhile have somewhat embarrassed said, "I didn't even realize you were pregnant." Of course, I've told them that's because I wasn't, and that he's adopted.

Several times, I've actually been pleasantly surprised. People I didn't expect to have used PAL, or asked questions about our situation very sensitively. And more often than not, when the subject of Dylan's adoption comes up, it's an opener to learn more about how adoption has touched someone else's life. I find those stories interesting, and sometimes they have brought me closer to an acquaintance.

Too frequently, I still hear about "reclaims," or family members permanently scarred by the "primal wound." It's always struck me as odd that people who I think are trying to be supportive share horror stories. I've gotten a bit braver about cutting those kinds of stories off by saying, "Oh, that's too frightening. Don't tell me any more!" Though I try to say this kind of thing lightly, laughingly so as not to make someone who is well intentioned feel bad, usually it does get the message across.

Very frequently, when I reveal that we are adopting our son, the response will be an exclamation of how lucky he is to be with such a great family. To that I have a quick, easy, and honest response: "WE are the lucky ones to have him in our lives."

If you work, how is your work/life balance going? If you do not, are you getting enough 'adult' time? Do either of these things bring up surprising feelings?

I work as an administrator at a small college. Before the baby, my job was pretty demanding and I worried a lot about how my boss and others would handle the unpredictability of a match and then my desire to take my full, legally-provided twelve weeks of parental leave. Because I know that she doesn't like surprises and some advanced planning might help, I'd also been talking with my supervisor about working less than full time upon my return to work for more than a year before it looked like I might actually become a mother. But we hadn't resolved anything, so it was nerve wracking to bring it up again when the conversation became based in reality rather than the hypothetical.

Things have worked out great for me, and I am immensely grateful for the flexibility and accommodations I have been granted. My office "bugged" me very little for the three months I was off, which enabled such a precious period of intense focus on the baby and our new little family. And when I returned after the new year, it was on a three day a week basis. No one's been hired to take up my slack, and little delegating of my responsibilities has been done, so there is a lot that isn't getting accomplished that should, and I am definitely being expected to do more with less time and less money. These arrangements were made with the understanding that they are temporary, and that we'd re-evaluate after a few months. I want the part-time situation to continue, so I'm trying hard to make it work for others as well as myself. But I have a deep-set fear that we'll have to make new arrangements soon. I dread the decisions and further compromises that would be involved with that.

My current work arrangement feels just about right to me as far as work/life balance. Before parenthood, I suspected that I might actually yearn to be a stay-at-home mom, which just isn't financially feasible for us. But I know now that I would feel really isolated and "under valued" if I was just home with Dylan. I need the social interaction with adults and the sense of accomplishment my job provides me. But I also know that if I worked more, I would miss him even more than I do. Right now, it seems like just about when I'm feeling I need a break from his constant demands, it's someone else's (M's or my mom's) turn to spend the day with him. Or, just as soon as I feel like I am missing out and can't go another hour without snuggling with him, I'm off work and ready to spend another day as his primary caregiver.

A small tangent: I have not yet found or built a "baby group," and I'd like one. Though I fear they will all be a lot younger than me, and that there might be a lot of conversation about birthing and nursing and such that I can't relate to), it would be fun to connect with other new parents (IRL). Ideally, such a group could bridge my baby-centric and grown-up lives. I'd welcome advice about how to find a good group.

CC and O.

I emailed CC and O. yesterday with Henry's 3 month update. I included many of the adorable pictures I have posted here. And CC emailed me back! I am delighted. She sounds really good and she definitely adores the pictures. She sees how much Henry looks like O. (he really does) and she even said in her letter, "I'm just glad he's happy and healthy and we made the right choice." We also asked a few questions about their family and got some answers. This is what openness is all about.

I am over the moon that she responded! I am so glad that she sounded like she is doing so well. I hope O. is doing as well as she is.

Hearing back from CC has renewed my faith in the openness of Henry's adoption. This has made my day.

Oops, Henry is stirring from his nap!

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

This is the statement in Heather's Open Adoption Roundtable that struck me the most, so I am going to react to this one.

The fact of the matter is, adoption robs a child of a 'normal' childhood whether it is open or not. To be raised by parents who are not related to you biologically is not the way most people have created a family. If you are telling your child that he or she is adopted, there will always be issues around adoption, whether the adoption is open or not.

I am coming at openness in my adoption from a semi-open perspective. My son is only 3 months old and we have lots of time to cultivate openness. I am trying to communicating with his birth parents more often than the 'official' agreement dictates. I have sent notes and pictures to his birth parents, though they have only responded once, back when Henry was only a week old. I will continue to send them updates at a rate that I am comfortable with (more than once per year which is what I agreed to at placement) unless I hear from them or through my agency that they don't want to get them any more. I am disappointed that I do not get any response from them, but I know things must be difficult for them and I am trying to be understanding and give them space. I hope that in time they will be able to respond and send us pictures for us to show Henry. I am hopeful that one day we can meet each other again. I felt a strong bond with them when we spent those first 2 days of Henry's life together in the hospital. I want Henry to know that bond.

To hit on some of Heather's other points, I think it is my responsibility to keep Henry connected to his birth family at some level before he is able to make the decision about whether or not he wants to keep up with that connection. If there is no communication for 18 years (or really if there is only one-way communication from us to his birth parents), there is really no basis for him to make that decision -- it has been made for him by us. To truly give him that decision, it is up to me to create some sort of relationship for him to decide about.

I read several open adoption blogs, and Henry's adoption isn't nearly as open as most of the blogs I read. I'm not sure I am emotionally ready to have that type of openness, but as it isn't even an option for me at this time I try not too think about it too much. I do, however, hope that throughout Henry's life we can communicate with his birth parents so he can know where he comes from, genetically. Even though I can't know what it's like to be adopted, I imagine that I would be curious and would want to know about my birth parents. So, as Henry's mom I am obligated to make sure that when these questions come up I can answer them as best I can and hopefully take him to look in the face of someone who looks like him.

I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period. I entered into adoption with my eye wide open about this fact, and I think it will take Henry's lifetime to figure out what this will mean to him.

Still Sad

When I get sad, I think about abandoning this whole adoption plan and moving away and starting over.

A lovely open adoption blog I read linked to this story. It's the story of one birth mother. It's not a foreign story to me, but as all first parents stories, it moved me deeply. There have been a lot of comments, some reassuring and some not.

Adoption is work. I knew this going into adoption. It's essential to make sure it's done ethically, and maintaining some openness is delicate. It's difficult for all three triad members.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to cope. Today is one of those days.

I have always known that I wanted to be a parent. I have known this for as long as I can remember. I never remember wanting to be married much. I never dreamed of a big wedding or wanting to be a princess for a day. I don't remember fantasizing about my husband or my wedding or any such thing. But I do remember always thinking about my children. I always thought about what type of parent I would be.

But it has turned out that neither my husband nor I can make a baby. So what are we to do?

-------------------
I stopped writing this and T and I went out to a lovely arts show and bought me a few neat things. We also bought a dresser that was on sale that T wanted. The art show was fabulous and inspiring. I think I'm going to sign up for beginners pottery class. I have always wanted to learn and now is a good time for me to start. Classes start at the end of April.

After the show I had beer and clams, and we had a lovely day. I am much less sad than when I wrote the first half of this post.

I still, however, feel I don't know what to do with my life right now. In some ways I want to move to Hawai'i and abandon all hopes of making a family. This journey has been too difficult and it poses too many risks and has too much pain. I sometimes feel I am too empathetic to be an adoptive parent. I see some adoptees who have such pain in their lives, and I've read and spoke to birth/first parents who are also living with extreme pain. I don't want any more pain. I want happiness.

All this said, I can't ever imagine life without parenting. We will not move to Hawai'i and we will wait and find a good match and find some way to have a relationship with our child's birthparents. We will be as good parents as we can, and life will happen.

I am just stuck here waiting and imagining everything going wrong. It's not a nice place to be, but I am trying to do things I enjoy. It's really imperitive that I take that class while I can. And when I think about these classes, I think that maybe I could go away and take classes and be a more involved and active person without children. But then I go out and see a family, and my heart just breaks.

I think this is the problem. I have a heart that has been broken too many times. It hasn't been broken by my family or by my husband, but by hope. I have had so much hope and it has broken me each time -- each pregnancy, each IVF each dIUI, each cycle. I have hoped so many times that I might have a family, and I see what we do not have everywhere around us. I'm not sure I could live this world we live in without having a family. I think it would completely break me.

I so often feel like I don't know what to do. I hate that feeling.

Books

So, in my sadness I bought some books. I bought the Dan Savage The Kid book, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother and Making Room In Our Hearts. I'm almost done with Secret Thoughts. It makes a lot of sense to me. It is good to be reading these things and putting myself in someone else's head, I think. She has gone through this and is just writing what she feels. It's almost like reading someone's blog, I think.

In Making Room, it is really interesting to read the birth parents' point of view and the adoptees' point of view of how all of this open adoption stuff works. What I especially like is it's the perspective of older children or adoptees that are now adults and have grown up with open adoption. This is the part that I feel the least comfortable with. It's not the part while we're raising our children that freaks me out as much as what happens after our children are adults. So, this book is helping me get a peek of what it will be like.

I spoke again with our facilitator last night. I still like her. I think I may even start filling out her application. I really think we will be going in that direction, but I don't want to commit until we have our agency meeting that discusses search expansion. I told this to her and she understood. She thinks it's good that we are doing all of this research before making a commitment. She understands that this is an important decision and it has to be the right fit. This is why I like her.

T has to work today, so I am home by myself. I think I may go to a craft store that is closing and see what is left and on sale. I am also going to work more on the book. It is done, but we decided to double side it so I need to move things around so that the holes we punch in it don't pierce any words or pictures.

Hanging in....

Anonymous adopted person?

There's an anonymous person commenting on my blog. From what I read of these comments, my guess is that this is an adopted person, but I cannot be sure.

I'm not really sure how to react to this anonymous person. From the comments I am assuming that this person has had a difficult time with the situation he or she has lived in. It seems to me this person was adopted and was never comfortable with it. Of course I do not know this and I am making huge assumptions and leaps.

Now that I am ready to become an adoptive parent, I have been trying to educate myself as much as I can about adoptive parenthood. This is why we've opened ourselves to more than just sending a picture an letter once a year to our child's birthparent if that's what that birth parent wants. I have heard the stories of many adopted people and birth parents and adoptive parents and the only thing that I have learned is that the story of each member of the triad is as varied as the people in the world.

Mostly this person has been telling me that I am selfish and that I'm not ready to be an adoptive parent. These comments don't make me feel bad, which is how I am sure that I am ready to be an adoptive parent. I get the feeling that this person feels abandoned. I don't want our child to feel that way, and that is why I want to maintain communications with our child's birthparents so that when we have questions we can ask them and have answers. Also, when the child is old enough, if both sides want it, there can be communication or visits, if it is appropriate.

I am sorry that this person has had a bad adoptive experience, if that is the case. I hope that he or she can find peace in the life that they lead. I am not sure why, but of the several (teen/adult) adopted people I have spoken to, they have not expressed the level of bitterness in losing their biological family as this person seems to have. Yes, they have all had some curiosity and some feelings of loss, isolation and loneliness -- some more than others. From all of the people I talk to, ever person reacts in a different way to their lives. This would be true for biological children as well. I am hoping that the openness we maintain in our triad will alleviate these feelings and give our children some answers.

No, anonymous poster, we are not going to 'seal' any records (unless that's what the law does) and we hope to always have a way to get in touch with our child's birth parents, so we can communicate with them if the need arises.

We just hope our child will grow up knowing how much of a loving choice their birthparents made by finding them a loving home where they were wanted and cherished and cared for and loved more than anything.

--------------------------------

I just realized that my anonymous poster could be a birth parent. If so, perhaps their triad is not as open as he or she had hoped. If that is the case, I am terribly sorry. I can't imagine the difficulty of that situation, and I just know it takes a truly loving parent to make that choice for their child to know that being raised in another home is what would be best for him or her. I know adoption didn't always work that way, but I am glad that adoption has moved forward in that respect in these more modern times. If adoption is done legally, morally and ethically, it can be a good thing for all members of the triad.