Perfect Moment Monday

My parents and both my brothers, their wives and their children came over yesterday to meet Henry and to set up a nursery for us. We didn't allow ourselves to prepare for a baby because of all the mental anguish we had been through. They did in about 3 hours what it would have taken us months to do. I can't express how appreciative I am of what they did for us. They worked so hard, including the kids, and they were all just so happy to meet Henry and stare at him and have nothing but love for him. He is truly home now.

Home forever

Henry on the airplane flying to his forever home with us!

back in boston

We arrived back at home around 1pm today. So much to say, but way, way too tired to say it. The little guy is constipated, so he had some major fuss time this evening. Really, it was the most difficulty he's had so far -- usually he is good about his eat, sleep, pee/poop routine. Though, the poop part has definitely become a little tough.

My parents picked us up from the airport. We got so many comments flying home. Everyone wanted to know how old he was and where it was we were going. The first time I told someone that we adopted him and were going home, I started crying. I hadn't been overly emotional about him for a few days and it took me by surprise.

I know it's only a week, but everybody who has heard the word adoption come out of our mouths have been nothing but congratulatory and happy for us. Really, the only curiosity has been about the wait. I know it won't stay like that forever, but I'm glad I haven't had to face anything overly insensitive yet.

So far the animals and Henry are doing well together. Bdog sniffed him a few times, but really showed no interest. When Henry makes a noise or two Bdog's ears go up, but nothing has been at all worrisome so far. The cats have sniffed him as well. Rcat is totally clueless and we have to make sure that he doesn't try to jump in our laps when Henry is in one of our laps, but I think that's do-able. And he should learn. S-cat (I don't want to call her Scat) keeps her distance.

All animals were glad that we returned.

I've been up since about 4 am, so I need some rest before Henry needs another feeding. It's good to be home.

Perfect Moment Monday

My son is sleeping in my lap. He is three days old.

We have a son

I haven't decided what I'll call him on this blog yet. Maybe Henry because we my blog is Henry Street? But he's with us now.


H's birth parents were amazing through this. I can't believe their strength. They helped me so much -- when it was me that should have been helping them.

They just love him so much.

I wanted to publish pictures, but I realized that violates their privacy. So they're not here.

His makeshift crib in the hotel room.

Labor

She's in labor. We're trying to get a flight to FL now.

She's 5 cm and 100% effaced, so he'll be born before we're able to leave.

Talked to dad. He wants us to be excited. He asked how I was feeling. I said I didn't have words to describe it. He liked that.

This is happening.
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ETA:

He was born at 10:35 pm Eastern. 7 lbs 14 oz. Dad called me and I heard some of his first cries. He was taking pictures for us.

Everything is okay

I spoke to the attorney in FL. They had spoken with expectant dad. Everything is fine. Expectant mom is so done with being pregnant. She wants it to be over. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and may ask to be induced.

While talking to the attorney's office we got to talking about money. This made me feel awful. It's terrible how much economics plays into the decision to place. I know for a fact that is not the only reason this couple is placing, but it is definitely a huge factor. I hate to feel like I'm 'buying' a baby.

I was sitting here reading parts of "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and found something that rang true. Adoptive parent guilt doesn't really help the situation. It doesn't make us better parents. We need to let go of the guilt and do what's best for the baby. The expectant parents cannot provide what this baby needs for many different reasons, including financial ones. It is not fair, but it is true. We should be proud of them that they recognize this and made an intelligent choice in who to entrust with raising their baby
so that he will have a good life. We will make sure he knows this about them and how much they love him. We will communicate with them throughout his life so that they can see he is doing well and he can know who his birth parents are and who he looks like and where he comes from.

The attorney's office also mentioned that sometimes at the very end, near labor, expectant parents pull away from adoptive parents because the reality of what's happening is setting in. I get that. Makes sense.

But they're still talking to the adoption agency which means they are still counting on this plan. Though this doesn't surprise me. This nervousness comes more from me and my own insecurities than from anything this expectant couple has said or done. They have been nothing but reassuring, honest and up front with us. And I get the feeling that they like us and are happy with the match.

So, I guess I'll get an update after expectant mom's doctor's appointment.

No answer

Called expectant mom tonight. Went straight to voicemail. I know that they run out of minutes often and have changed numbers once already since we were matched because they use those prepaid phones and had to get a new one to get new minutes. However, it still makes me nervous.

Just exhausted

There is a heat wave going on. I don't know if it fits the 'official' definition, but it is very hot and humid. We do have some window a/c units and we use them, but I still find it exhausting. Coming back to work after a very relaxing vacation is exhausting. And waiting with bated breath for a phone call that a woman who wants us to raise her son is going into labor and we have to go down to FL to pick him up is exhausting.

I'm trying really hard to get work done. I have this huge project that is about to peak in a month or so. Of course, if all goes well, I won't be there so I want to have as much done as possible before I go. However, my ability to focus is incredibly compromised.

I had a meeting with HR today to make sure that all of my paperwork for FMLA is done. It is. All I need is that phone call.

My niece was here for the past couple of days. For Chanukah, T gave her a trip to a museum of her choice in Boston, and they finally went on their little outing. She stayed over night and they spent another half day together. She was adopted. She's 12 (and a half, she made sure I didn't forget). T was asking her questions about being adopted. She had a lot of insightful things to say to him and asked a lot of good questions about the dog and cats and all sorts of other things. I tried to ask similar questions, but got more typical teenage grunts in response. I'm a bit jealous that she opens up to him in a way she doesn't open up to me, but I guess it is what it is. I'm glad she loves him so much and that they had a good time together.

My brother and SIL are supposed to come over tonight and bring nursery furniture. I think we're going to leave it in the garage for now. There's too much other furniture that we need to remove from that room to put it in the proper place. And it's too hot to move furniture. We have too much to do.

I'm feeling so impatient and so ready for this weird time to be over. I do know that once this time is over, if everything goes as planned, we are in for another crazy time -- though completely different. Everyone I know in adoption remembers the matched but waiting time to be incredibly surreal, especially so close to delivery. I find it very unsettling.

Still waiting for the call.

freaking out a little

We didn't sleep very well last night. We're nervous.

My brother and SIL are going to bring over furniture in a few days. We picked out (finally) some crib sheets (why are so many baby things BROWN?) and got a car seat. We were at B@b1es.r.Us looking at crib sheets and we bought one to make sure it went with the paint in the room and we went to the clearance table and we saw a little fall sleeper outfit and I allowed myself to buy it. It was organic cotton and expensive, but I just wanted to buy one little baby thing in the baby store. So I did it. T was really afraid to -- even more than me. But we bought it. It's in the house. We have an item of baby clothes in the house. I can't believe it.

(Here is the fitted crib sheet we're going to use.)


(Here are the clothes. It also has a wearable cotton blanket thingy that has a cowboy motif.)


My mom wanted to know when she could tell my aunts and uncles. I told her after the revocation papers were signed -- when we leave the hospital with the baby. I don't want to tell them before, just in case.

I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I got a gift for the expectant mom. The order for the gift we wanted for the expectant dad got canceled, so we have to go to a store and buy it. We need to do that soon -- hopefully tomorrow or something.

I wish I could calm the f*ck down, but I can't. My mind is just racing. I'm trying to breathe, but I can't. I can't even focus on the Sox/Yankees series. The Sox are playing like crap anyway. I'm just playing video games on my iPhone to pass the time.

I'll close with the adorable alpaca we saw in VT. Alpacas just rule. See the hay stuck to his face? See how he's too fluffy to have eyes? How freaking cute is this thing!?!?

It's scary to see that I'm allowing myself to believe that this whole thing might come to pass very soon. I am allowing myself to believe it just a little. It is the single most frightening thing that has happened to me in a really, really long time.

back

We're back from nowhere. It was very quiet, very relaxing, and I'm SO GLAD to be home. We even came home a day early. The bed there was terrible. Nothing like being away from home to make you appreciate it.

Talked to expectant mom again. She's starting to dilate and she thinks it's going to be this week. (!)

She also mentioned to me that she heard about other situations where expectant parents change their mind and that she and expectant dad have thought long and hard about this and they took several months to come to this decision. I think she wanted to reassure us that she's not going to change her mind. I tried to say that I understand why someone might change their mind and that it's their right, but I think she was trying to convey a message to us.

It's a little awkward to talk about these things, but it's good. I said I wanted pictures of her and expectant dad at the hospital so we could make a book for the baby and read it to him to tell him about his birth. She was okay with that.

I think we're going to work on setting up the room now. I think I can allow myself to do that. Expectant mom wants the room to be ready for the baby.

It could be this week.

Holy cr@p.

Off

We leave for vacation tomorrow morning. We're going off the grid. No cell phones, no computers, just books and trees and each other. (And the dog.)

I'm really looking forward to it.

August is just about here. We keep talking about preparing for this possible arrival. People expect me to be excited about it. I don't feel the least bit excited right now. I do feel a little nervous, but I guess I don't really think it's going to work out. Something somewhere is going to go wrong. This has been our story for so long that I can't imagine it being any different.

Expectant mom seems to not want to talk about 'it' very much. We've talked a few times and she's happy to talk about her life and what's going on, but not about what's supposed to happen.

We don't know how much to communicate with them. We call because we want them to know we think about them, but we don't want to bother them.

So we wait. We get away. I really hope I can relax during this vacation and not worry too much. I seem to always find something to worry about. I was worried about work this morning, but now that I'm away from work I'm not worried about it. So I find things to worry about. I worry that things are not going to work out.

500th post & pediatrician

Here's my 500th post. 3 1/2 years of blogging later and I finally might be a mom in a few weeks. It's pretty weird to imagine.

We went to visit a pediatrician today. We liked him. He was very soft spoken and laid back. The nurse in the waiting room asked noted I must not be due for a while (we were there without a child) and so I had to explain.

The doctor said he sees a lot of adopted babies. We reviewed the health history of the birth parents and he said that unless the expectant mom was drinking heavily or doing hard core drugs, then there was really no significance in it. He thought things sounded good.

We picked out some crib sheets that we like and think will go with the room. My mom is going to buy them for us.

We have to move the bed and a bookshelf out of that room. We have to organize the garage a bit because it's too crowded in there.

I'm leaving for the Boca area on Sunday for work until Tuesday. I work Wednesday through Friday. Saturday we're going on vacation to Vermont away from cell phone coverage and internet. We plan to read and knit a lot. Well, I plan to knit. T is just going to read. And walk and hike and sleep and generally laze about. I'm looking forward to it very much.

When we come back it will be August 8. That leaves about a week until the due date.

cranky

I'm feeling cranky today. Nothing quite worked out right. It was one of those days when I wanted a do-over.

People are pissing me off. The comments that people are making regarding things that are happening in the news is pissing me off. Sometimes this country drives me crazy. I try really hard to respect people and their varying opinions, but sometimes I just feel sad when people interpret certain things in certain ways. I am sure other people feel the same way about my thoughts, though. They're sad for me because of the way I interpret certain things. I suppose I can see how to agree to disagree, at least on some level, but I don't see how we can compromise, and that makes me feel like I don't understand how we can elect a government that will make decisions that will represent our beliefs.

I know I'm being really vague here, but I don't feel like getting into specifics. I just sometimes get upset about the way things are™.

We have a company outing tomorrow. On Sunday I go to Florida for work for a couple of days. Then I work 3 days and then is our vacation. I simply cannot wait for our vacation. I need a vacation so desperately. My ability to focus and accomplish things is highly compromised, though when we come back the baby will be due any minute so I don't know how things will be any better. We have so much crap to do.

I'm so exhausted.

Oh, and my next post will be my 500th.

expectant dad

We spoke with expectant dad on the phone this evening. He was great. He's a little more reluctant about the adoption plan, but he knows it's best for them. We could just hear in his voice how much he wished he could parent this boy and it's just so hard.

We assured him this child would know how much he loves him. We assured him that we would let him know how this boy is doing on a regular basis. We said to him that we could possibly meet face to face at some point. We created an email address just for them to send us emails.

He told us he definitely knows that this is the right thing for his child -- he wants this child to have what he knows he cannot give the boy. But it so clearly hurts that he cannot provide this to the boy.

He asked if we were nervous and excited. We told him we were. We are.

But we are also sad for their loss.

Done

MIL went back home. It's funny -- it's sad to see her go, but I'm so glad she's gone. It would be nice if she could live closer, but both T and I tried to bring it up and she has no interest in moving out here.

After we dropped MIL off at the airport, we went to buy dog food. There is a Bab1es.R.U$ in the same mall, and we actually went in there and looked at car seats. I only had a couple of mini-panics, but I didn't even come close to tears. We learned some stuff and we need to do some more research.

We also walked over the the furniture department. Yikes. My parents wanted to buy us a crib. Everything looked so HUGE to me.

Since we were on a roll, I called my brother and SIL asking if we could come by and see their old furniture. I honestly liked what they had much more than anything in the store. I think we may use all of that and just buy a new mattress, pads, etc.

I've also been looking into eco-diapering. We're thinking about doing these new-fangled cloth diapers or g.D1apers. With disposables when necessary.

We didn't buy anything or bring anything home. All this will be done when we know things are truly going to happen. But I allowed myself to think about all of these things.

Intellectually I know this may happen and I'm letting myself plan a little, but I don't truly feel it inside. I don't feel hopeful or excited or optimistic. I just want to prepare as much as I can. And I know that despite holding back hope and excitement that if things fall through, I'm going to be devastated. But I'm not sure I'll be surprised.

Out at work

I told my boss and HR today.

I was really scared. I cried a little while telling them. But it does feel like a monkey off of my back.

They were supportive and happy for me. I mentioned the caution and how I didn't want people to know until papers were signed, just in case we left and I came back a few days later without a baby. They seemed to get it.

The HR woman had a friend who was matched and the birth mother decided to parent after the baby was born. So I feel she does get it a little bit.

My boss has a crazy family story, but is pretty open about it. I'm more worried about her saying something. She said that she'd say, 'Family issues' or 'Personal issues' when she was informing people that they may have to take over some of my work. I think she's going to consult me before she decides how she's going to split up my responsibilities and maybe I'll have some control over it, but we'll see.

But I do feel some relief that I came clean.

Now I just have to worry about whether I will indeed come home with a baby or not. And a bunch of other stuff.

Exhausted

I'm just so tired. Can't write paragraphs.

• B-dog did terrible where we boarded him. He broke a window screen and whined and peed in the house.
  
• MIL is having fun but driving me a little batty. Ok, a lot batty.
  
• Car appointment Friday.
• Visiting two new boarding places for B-dog this weekend.
• Pediatrician visit next Thursday.
• Telling work next week. I can tell HR at the beginning of the week, but don't think I'll have time to tell my boss until Friday. Is that bad? My boss has such a big mouth. I'm totally nervous.
  
• Office outing Thursday.
• Still can't really think.
• The dog is still waking up super early. I'm not getting enough sleep.
• B-dog is super clingy after being boarded for one night. I'm worried about what it's going to be like when we're gone for almost two weeks.
• Work is getting busy and I can't focus. It sucks.
• TOO MUCH GOING ON!
  

MIL is here

My MIL is here from Oregon. We're taking her to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow for one night. We're boarding B-dog for the first time. It's only one night, but I hope he does okay. I think he might miss us, but he doesn't suffer from any separation anxiety, so I think he'll be okay. We went over to visit the house of the person he'll stay with and he totally peed in her house twice. I felt *really* bad about that. :( But she has dogs everywhere and he's never really been in anybody else's house. Still, it's a bad precident.

I think I've pinched something in my hip. I'm having a hard time standing up for more than 5 minutes. When I sit I'm fine, but standing up I get pain and numbness all the way down to my ankle. I need to get this fixed. I went to the chiropractor today, but it didn't really make a difference.

T's been having migraines lately. We wonder if it's stress from all this adoption stuff. They're really bad and it sucks.

MIL is a lovely lady, but we don't have much to talk about and she tends to not want to sit in silence and just talks and talks to fill in the lulls.

I'm supposed to talk with expectant mom again this evening. I called during the day, but she was napping. She asked that I call later tonight, so I will. She had a doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that everything is good, and she is having a 3 hour glucose test on Monday.

Time is going both incredibly quickly and incredibly slowly. I guess I will tell work that I plan to return, even though I think I probably won't. I'm going to tell them the week of the 20th. We'll switch to T's insurance just in case. If I don't return, they'd make us pay the premium and I don't want to get stuck with that. I still am not sure I even want to return, but if they'll take me back part time, I guess I'd consider it. I can ask them if they'll consider that about a month before my 'return' date.

I think we're putting off thinking about more baby stuff until MIL goes home next Saturday.

Still freaking out.
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ETA:
Spoke with expectant mom again. Less awkward this time. This woman really expects that we are going to parent her child. I just can't wrap my mind around it. She was giving me mommy advice!

1. Have a rocking chair in the baby's room.
2. Have a good nightlight so at night you don't have to turn on a bright overhead for diaper changes or feedings.
3. A bit of information regarding formula. (Not divulged here for privacy reasons.)

She wants T to give expectant dad a call so they can talk 'guy stuff.' Told her maybe next week because MIL is here. I'll have to help with that phone call, but I think it's important to talk to him.

Also, she thinks she might have ultra-sound pictures on a disk and offered to send them over to us. She said there were some good shots. I'm not sure I can look at them, but I do want her to send them over.

I can't believe that this is actually real.

Freak out

I just looked at our employee handbook. You're supposed to give 30 days notice for FMLA. I'm supposed to give, in writing, my intention to return to work. I don't know if I'm going to return to work or not. How do I decide this?!?

I've said out loud that I'm going to ask if I can come back part time, but I'm not sure if I really want to do that or not. But the whole thing is, what if we go to Florida and come home without a baby? Then I will need this job.

I'm so scared of all of this.

I'm not sure when to tell work. I was thinking I would tell after my work trip to Florida on 7/27, but I think I have to do it earlier.

We need a pediatrician. We're going on vacation for a week on August 1st. I need to get a tune up on my car. We need to get the dog a check-up.

I have an appointment for a 'meet and greet' with a pediatrician on July 23. We haven't even seen the expectant parents' medical records yet.

I keep having appointments and missing work for sorting all this stuff out. I'm so stressed. I can't calm down. I was freaking out about organizing all the baby stuff, but it turns out that's the easy part. I feel so stressed for time! And I feel like I'm pushing the limits of missing work for all these appointments.

My MIL is coming to stay for a week. She arrives tomorrow.

I'm FREAKING OUT.
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ETA: Oh, and we can't agree on a name, either.

Can't think

I seem to not be able to do anything. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not sad -- just kind of frantic and overwhelmed. I can't think straight.

The adoption attorney's paralegal said to me this morning, "In about a month, you're going to be a mom."

How am I supposed to get anything done?

Telling

We've told a few people. My parents. My brothers and their families. T should be calling his mom tonight to tell her. I told one friend because she was making plans to come to Boston around the time the baby is due (!) and normally stays with us, and I had to tell her that this probably wouldn't work out this time.

Telling is really difficult. The fourth tell was the easiest so far. I just said it. "We were matched with a potential birth mother."

There are lots of questions about her. I'm trying to answer as few of them as possible. I explain that it's our child's story and we're erring on the side of caution with keeping the information private.

I won't believe in this until it actually happens, but conversation does turn to cribs and planning and organizing the baby's room, especially from my mother. I try to push it back. Nothing is sure until it is sure. The only thing we're really thinking about buying at this time is a car seat. Everything else we would need we can get later.

We went to a fireworks show. There were, of course, tons of children there. It didn't bother us so much this time.

But it's still weird to tell. I still feel like this is all a big secret. In fact, our story is not a big secret except at work. So maybe this will feel secret until I tell someone at work, which I have decided I'm not going to do until we come back from our vacation.

I just don't want many people to know until it has really happened. This feels weird.

Sent

We just sent in all of the paperwork. They should receive it on Monday. All of our bureaucratic registry forms were sent in too. I royally messed up the fingerprints, though. Hopefully it can be straightened out, but we may have to do that over again.

I know this might actually happen, but I feel strangely unattached from this. T says I'm just protecting myself. That's probably true, but I keep thinking how what I'm currently doing will have to work differently not so long from now. Maybe.

But the paperwork is in and we'll soon be on record as the prospective adoptive parents of a baby.

We have to find a name....

Lambda Legal

Honor or Memorial Gift:	Yes
Honor/Memorial Gift Type:	In Honor of
Name(s):	Those in FL denied adoption

Parts of this don't feel good

The state where the expectant mother and father live is one of those states that created laws that bars gay people from adopting. During this journey I have not wanted to use an agency from that state, even though there are a large number of birth mothers that want to place their children who live in that state.

This situation came to us, but on the paperwork we have to fill out we both have to assert that we are not gay or bisexual.

I'm having a difficult time with this form and asserting these things. It's not right and it's not fair. At the same time, I don't know that I can walk away from these expectant parents that want to make a plan for their yet unborn son.

This is weighing heavy on me, but unfortunately I think I will make the assertion on paper. Then maybe I can make another donation to Lambda Legal. That seems so lame.
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ETA: I had to look at our financials for this state application, and though we had an almost 10% down payment and have been paying our mortgage for 4 years, we officially owe more on our house than it is now worth. The value of our home has gone down by about 25% since we bought it. Keep in mind that the median home value for a home like ours at the time we bought it was something like $375,000. That's almost $100,000.

Breathing

We are doing paperwork. CORI checks, s.ex offender registry, Dept of Children and Families, FBI fingerprints. Remember that pesky renewal packet I was complaining about a month ago? I ignored it. Now we need to step on it and get everything in so that paperwork won't be the reason that this doesn't happen.

We have to fill out applications, sign contracts, send in money.

But for now, we kind of have a match.

An hour and a half

We talked for an hour and a half. It was a little awkward and she kind of went on and on (and on) but she seemed to like us. We liked her well enough. We seem to be what the expectant parents are looking for.

The baby is due in 7 or 8 weeks. It's a boy.

I'm not sure what to do.

Unexpected

Tonight we are scheduled to have a phone conversation with an expectant mom.

Gulp.

Roaching

This is what greyhound owners call roaching. Upside down with arms stretched out, like a dead cockroach.



We went for a long walk this afternoon. I let him run around in the dog park without a leash for the first time. There weren't any other dogs and the fenced in area was reasonable small, but he came to me when I called him. It was a good first for us.

Not much

Nothing is going on.

I have to work on renewing our homestudy and sending an application off to the agency in FL, but I've done none of it. Perhaps I can try to do that this weekend.

I played hooky today and "worked from home." I did check in at work, but I have so little work to do that it literally makes no difference if I take an entire day off. I don't have enough work to do and just procrastinate most of the day. I wish I could find work fulfilling, but I truly do not. T isn't enjoying his job much these days, either. It sucks when work doesn't do anything for you and you aren't able to have the family you want to fill the void.

Things with the dog are pretty good. He's really good except for in the mornings. I wake myself up at about 4:30 every morning, and he's sometimes up already or I can't fall asleep because I'm listening for him. He's been barking by 5:15 or 5:30 and I'm trying to get him to quit that habit. If he was quiet until 6, I'm not even sure I could sleep until then anymore. Needless to say, I walk around exhausted all the time.

It's been raining for weeks and has finally cleared up, but now it's hot and humid. MIL is coming to town in about 2 weeks. Hopefully we'll take her to Martha's Vineyard for an overnight, but we have to figure out if the dog will come with us or we can board him somewhere.

We're having some people come over to give us quotes regarding fixing up the yard and adding the fourth fence so B-dog can run around in the yard off-leash.

I worry that I won't be able to handle both the dog and a baby, but T tells me to stop worrying about it. I guess I am the type that always needs something to worry about. I can't simply be happy. That seems pretty lame.

Maybe I'll try to upload our book now that I'm not doing anything.

Here's a pic of T & Me from my parents' anniversary dinner.

50th

Today is my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. They don't know about this blog, but it's too big of a deal to not mention.

Here is a picture of my mother, my brothers and me when my mother was about the same age as I am now -- probably a year or so younger, actually. My dad was most likely taking the picture and that is why he's not in there.


Would you say I'm around 2 in this picture? Maybe a little younger? If so, my brother S on the left is about 10 and my other brother J in the middle is about 13. My mom would be about 36. I think it's funny that my brothers look like they're paying such attention to me. S looks especially amused by me.

I just can't believe my parents have been married for 50 years. I mean, can you imagine? I know I certainly can't. If T and I are to make it to our 50th, we will both be well into our 80s.

Isn't life funny? What was it that John Lennon said? Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?

hair cut

I feel free.

Relaxing

This morning T and I are relaxing. T got up and walked Bdog while I napped. They came home and I fed the dog. We're reading and playing and mellowing out while drinking coffee. I feel like I should get up and go, but really I don't need to. Sometimes I'm terrible at relaxing. I'm trying.

Tonight we're doing a game night with some friends and tomorrow morning we're going to walk Bdog with a bunch of other greyhounds. Hopefully I'll have some good pictures. I'll leave you with these.

Think he's making himself at home?

not broken

I didn't break my hand. I did decide to go for an x-ray. It's actually doing a lot better today, though it is bruised, cut and swollen.

Took the dog out and 3 minutes later it started to rain. Walked him for a while, stood under a tree for a while, and walked back to the house. As soon as we were home it stopped raining. It hasn't rained again since.

Adoption agency called to make sure we have our fingerprint paperwork for our home study renewal. We do. Are we supposed to have someone fingerprint us? Do we just go to the police station and ask them to do it? T and I are getting all up-in-arms again about how much we have to go through to be parents when some people just get drunk and forget to use a condom.

Looking forward to the weekend. Doing a game night on Saturday and then Sunday we're going to take B-dog on a walk with other greyhounds. We met one on our walk this morning and seeing another greyhound made him so happy.

bad night

I was happy to grill for the first time. In my excitement with the grilling I was running into the house and I slammed my left hand on the outdoor banister and I gouged my knuckle and my hand really hurts.

Then B-dog was acting funny - pacing around and walking in circles without stopping. We noted he was acting funny but didn't know why. There was a lot of dog activity across the street so we thought it was that. Then he peed in the kitchen.

He's never peed in the house before. In retrospect, that's why he was pacing around and acting so funny. Now we now. But we have a set walk schedule and I'm not sure why he couldn't stick to it today. Now I'm worried about leaving him all day tomorrow.

I can't type because my hand hurts too much from hitting it.

Tonight sucked.

Strawberries

Strawberries from our back yard. Yum.

feeling like crap

Maybe it's PMS, but I'm feeling like crap lately. I'm sad all the time again. Every time I login to F@ceb00k I see pictures of children. Some babies, but mostly toddlers and older. These are all my high school friends.

I'm just exhausted. I feel like this is never going to happen and that none of this is worth it. My job is going crappy. I mean, I do a fine job, but there's mostly not enough work and my boss really, really sucks.

I love the dog, and I would be so much worse without him. He's probably the reason I can keep going these days. But everything just feels like it sucks completely.

T isn't happy with his job, mine is unfulfilling and all we do is just get older.

I'm having a bad week. Everywhere I turn it's all about children and babies. I can't even read the fucking comics without a family being involved. I feel like I can't do anything without being reminded of our situation.

Thank goodness for this:

paperwork

Got a big package in the mail today. It stated our home study was going to expire soon and told us to fill out all of the paperwork.

Our home study expires in October.

We didn't get notified of being approved until December.

Why do they crunch time together like this. It's only been 6 months mentally.

This isn't the best week.

No excitment here

There's nothing going on. Absolutely nothing. B-dog is definitely keeping us busy. He's definitely helped my mood a lot. He's a delightful dog and taking care of him has really taken my mind off the waiting and the other bad stuff. Adding him to our family has been great so far, and his adjustment has been speedy. He is doing really well.

We still haven't sent our application off to the second agency. We need to have new copies of our book printed up. We're working on that and we have to get it off soon. We're still just spinning our wheels here with our wait.

A co-worker was supposed to come and get our fish and fish tank as I don't want it any more. I don't take proper care of our fish, so I figured I'd give them to someone who would. This is our second try for him to come pick them up and it looks like he's a no-show again. He won't be getting another chance. I hate it when people say they'll do something and then simply don't show up without calling and saying they can't make it. Fine if he can't come, but he has my phone number. I don't have his.

Tonight is my niece's 10th birthday party. I think we're going to bring B-dog along. We'll see how that goes. Since it's Sunday night, we shouldn't be there for more than a few hours, so I think it should be okay. We brought him there once before, but that was before he was so comfortable with us. I want to socialize him so I think it's a good thing to bring him.

Nothing else doing. My job is just eh. I think about staying home all the time now. That's not too good, but it is what it is. It's not that bad -- it's just not good.

One day keeps following another. That's how it is.

upstairs

B-dog can officially go up and down the stairs by himself. It's still quite awkward, but he can do it.

Had someone over the house today and he growled a little at her when she tried to give him treats or talk to him. Didn't like that much. He was in his bed, so at first I thought it was a bed thing but when he got up off his bed and she tried, he still growled.

This surprised me since I can interrupt him from eating without a problem and can sit in his bed space without any reaction.

I need to get him to training classes ASAP it seems. I need to know how to curb this as I want E&R to come over with little S to meet B-dog. But I don't want to do that if B-dog is growling at people he doesn't know.

I've felt so optimistic because B-dog has been so docile with us that when we suddenly bring a baby back with us it shouldn't be a problem, and now my nervousness has increased.

Man, I knew I was an over worrier before, but I have gone out of control with the worrying lately. I always thought I'd be okay with a baby, but now I'm starting to think that I'm going to make myself crazy when something finally happens.

I'm thinking of going to the store and picking up some flowers and playing in the garden.

Weekend goals

Our goal this weekend is to get B-dog to walk up and down the stairs by himself without coaxing. Last night it took him about 5 minutes to walk up the one flight for the first time. He was scared, but so happy to sleep in our bedroom.

I leave you with pictures of sleeping animals.

Disconnected

I'm feeling really disconnected from the world right now. I think part of it is because the people I know are no longer using Face.b00k. Maybe they're using Tw1tter or maybe they're using nothing, but there is not activity on fb for me any more.

I spend a lot of time walking the dog now, which is good for me physically and good for the zen relaxing. But I feel like I don't talk to anybody anymore, except for T. Work is pretty unfulfilling and I generally work quietly at my desk for most of the day. Then I come home and walk the dog and don't talk to anybody. And then I wait for T to come home. I definitely talk to him, and I enjoy talking to him, but I need more social interaction than that and I don't feel like I'm getting it.

I need to sign B-dog up for a training class with other dogs. Maybe that will help.

I hate feeling this isolated and disconnected, but that's where I am right now.

Saturday in the Park

This was our day yesterday:

T and I went to the park and walked B-dog around.

It was sunny and cool. He met some other dogs and we met a friend who also has a greyhound. We were pleased with his socializing with other dogs.

He had a checkup with the vet. Then we came home. It was a big day and B-dog needed some rest.

A dog's life

I've settled down from my panic. I didn't know I had that kind of panic in me. Boy-howdy that was nuts. (No, I'm not sure why I just said boy-howdy. It just seems to fit.)

I'm sleeping through the night and B-dog is sleeping through the night. He's learning not to bark so much -- it's much, much better. He's such a good dog and is learning more every day. He's a little bit afraid of traffic - loud noises really. But I coaxed him out of the house with some kibble and it was fine.

I've tried to give him all sorts of treats, but he hasn't really wanted anything but his actual dog food, which is weird.

But he loves to lie on his bed, and the cats are getting more and more used to him. He's a sweetie and a good boy.

I like having him here.

It's my birthday

And I'm doing okay. This dog has distracted me from everything.

Yesterday morning I had a breakdown, though. Since we've got the dog I had been in a panic. I couldn't stop worrying. The cats were very upset and I felt like we threw our lives upside down for selfish reasons by getting this dog. I was completely freaking out. I couldn't sleep and I could barely eat, which isn't like me at all. T was worried beyond belief. I really felt like I couldn't do it. I had a therapy appointment and we talked about all this. I cried for an hour, almost hysterically.

I'm feeling a lot better today. B-dog (I know I put his name in here, but I'm going to call him this on the blog now, just to avoid this blog being found in error -- one mention is fine, but tons might throw off searching) is barking less, and he sat on his bed last night while I made dinner. The cats came downstairs and did some sniffing. There was no growling and they sat on our laps like they usually do. Not sure they'll all be best friends, but things are returning to normal.

B-dog did fine while we were at work. He is so, so happy when we get home. He has a long. long tail and it wags in a circle.

I think it's good that I freaked out, in a way. I mean, it's better for me to have freaked out over a dog than when getting a baby. I know I'm a worry wart, but I did not know that I had this panic inside of me. I do think that it was partially because I feel like I know how to take care of a baby bu I don't know how to care for a dog, and I was worried about combining the two.

Plus, if we're adopting a child, I just think it would be so wrong to give back a dog we adopted. That just doesn't sit right. I just felt like I had made a mistake.

But B-dog is getting used to us, the cats and the house. We are establishing a pattern. This is completely do-able. We're also thinking of getting some pet gates, which could double as baby gates. That way we can keep the dog out yet nearby and still be able to put the baby on the floor.

Anyway, just another day getting used to being dog owners. He's a good boy.

It's going

In general, things with Bistro are going well. He is a bit more of a puppy than we had originally anticipated (he is 3), but if we walk him enough he does well. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow as he seems to really hate his crate, but he's not ready to be left alone out of it yet.

1) He's wearing a cone collar thing to stop him from licking a wound on his leg. He needs it. But it makes him really awkward.

2) The cats are still unsure about him -- especially the girl cat -- and I want them to be able to have free reign of the house and to be able to see him and get used to him with a wall between.

3) Because of his 'puppiness' he needs lots of walks and while we're at work we're not going to be able to walk him nearly as much which means he'll be less tired which means more chewing/wrecking type behaviors.

We've had him 48 hours so far, and he's generally doing great. He definitely has some separation anxiety, but it seems exacerbated by the crate. The first night he slept in the crate and I slept downstairs with him and he barked a lot. Last night we let him sleep downstairs outside of the crate and he did great! He barks sometimes, but he mostly seems to bark when he's in his crate, whether we're home or not.

I am the biggest worry wart in the world. I think this is what I've gotten out of all of this. I'm already thinking of what it will be like to have both a dog and a newborn. You know how you can usually leave a baby on the floor in the car seat? I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. We'll have to put the baby on the table.

I'm insane to be thinking of these things. I'm already worried that I won't be able to handle both the dog and the baby. I thought about this before, but I thought it would be okay. Thousands of people handle both a dog and a baby. Why am I any different from those people?

What is wrong with me!?!?

Welcome home, Bistro

Ready?

I think we're ready. We have our crate, we have a new, huge water bowl which both cats have already used, and I put the cat food behind a door. We have a leash and some food and some treats.

Deep breaths.

This is my last night without a dog.

This might be the coolest birthday present ever. It's my birthday and mother's day in less than a week and I don't feel depressed! We're getting a dog!

PMS and decisions don't mix

The dog should be coming home with us on Friday. I'm happy and excited and nervous. Bringing home a retired greyhound is different from bringing home other dogs and involves a lot of reading. You can have a glimpse, if you like.

And then today the pottery place called to say that someone dropped the class and they have an opening, but now I don't want to take it any more. It's too much. Getting this dog is enough. When I didn't get into the class, I decided to get the dog. I'm much more interested in walking him and training him than taking pottery now. With the responsibilities of helping the dog adjust, I can't picture myself going during open studio time. I feel awful that I don't want to take the class any more, but alas I don't. Am I crazy? I feel crazy.

T and I have picked a name for the dog, but sometimes I think I like it and sometimes I don't. We wanted a name that was related to his racing name. This is (indirectly) related. I liked it a lot at first, but I'm having second thoughts.

We're also getting the stairs carpeted, and I need to do some sanding/cleaning/painting before they do that. I bought the stuff and got goaded into buying some ridiculously expensive paint that I'm now afraid to use.

And we need to dig up the front yard. I did some digging this past weekend, but it's very difficult and takes a long time.

How do people have energy to do things? I just don't get it. And I really don't get how, after working all day, people can come home and be a parent. I'm so cranky right now I could spit.

Oh, and I was walking around the office and the pregnant lady came out of an office and my former boss who I was walking with started talking about the baby (who though yet unborn she already called by name) and my boss started rubbing this woman's belly and they started talking about a baby pool for when the baby is going to be born and I did not know how to extricate myself. I was standing there freaking out, wanting to bolt but wanting to make an excuse. I tried to smile and say, "See ya!" and walk off and I think that's what I did, but I'm not sure. I can't even remember how it ended because I was so panicked.

PMS sucks.

I wish I could feel confident in t

Dog Show and Tell

It's not final yet, and we're not 100% sure we can bring him home, but right now we have our eye on this guy.

Genetics, children and the news

I found the craziest story on the web. You just have to read it. The subtitle is "Two Women Don't Match their Kids DNA -- It's a Medical Mystery" And granted, it is somewhat of an odd situation. Apparently different tissues in their bodies have different DNA -- their blood DNA didn't match the DNA of, for one woman, her thyroid. It's a very rare medical condition they call "chimerism."
However, the issue that I have with this story is this came up in one woman's life because she needed financial assistance from the state and she had to "prove" the children were "hers" via a DNA test. To quote from the article:

"As I sat down, they came up and shut the door, and they just went back and just started drilling me with questions like, 'Who are you?'" Fairchild said. The DNA test results challenged everything she knew about her family. Yes, her boyfriend was the father of the children, and, yes, they were all related, according to the DNA, except for Fairchild. She was told she wasn't the mother.

That's just fucked up. It continues:

Fairchild was not only denied government assistance for her young children, she was now suspected of possibly acting as a paid surrogate mother and committing welfare fraud. She was in danger of having her kids taken away for good. Fairchild said before she left, the social worker told her, "You know, we're able to come get your kids at any time." Fairchild began to panic. She knew they were her kids. So she rushed home to search for photos of her pregnancy and found her children's birth certificates. She told her parents, who couldn't believe the test results.

You just have to read this. I don't know what state this woman lives in, but it frightens me. It's horrible and awful and unfair and terrible. I hope someone is able to help her.

Weekend

I'm pleased it's the weekend. I was feeling a bit under the weather yesterday, but I came home early and took a nap, and then I slept for a good 9-10 hours last night. I hope I feel better this morning.

Today a Ravelry friend is going to bring her greyhound over so the cats can meet a dog for the first time. I hope it goes well, but I really have no idea what to expect.

Tomorrow I am going to have coffee and a crepe with the lovely Niobe, and then T and I are going to a greyhound kennel. There we can ask tons of questions and walk a few dogs. I'm hopeful this will 'get it out of my system' a little bit and I can calm down about this whole greyhound thing. Right now I'm completely obsessed.

It is May which is a tough month for me, and I'm feeling our 'wait' pretty heavily. T and I have decided to not use that facilitator and are instead going with a full service agency out of state. This probably means our wait will be a little bit longer, but it takes the pressure off of us to ensure proper dealings with birth families. I think the facilitator option would make me too crazy, and I really don't need anything that will make me crazier than I already am.

I have filled out the application and changed around our book a little bit. I think it is better. So we just need to print out the book and mail everything off. We're going to have to renew our homestudy in about October, so we've already been waiting 6 months with probably 12-18 more to go.

I just can't believe that I was pregnant twice when I was 33 and in two weeks I'm going to be 37 with another year of waiting.

Survey

You may have seen this on the L&F, but, if you've had a miscarriage in the last 6 months, are over 18 and have a partner, please take this survey for research purposes.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=VCaiTA9Wo6w60W8HA0QxSA_3d_3d

Research Opportunity

Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and support through websites like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50 American Express gift certificate. For more information, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Lisa Rosenzweig
Teachers College
lsr2106@columbia.edu

So

So since things have been going so shittily lately, we're thinking of fostering and/or welcoming a greyhound into our family.

We're not sure how the cats will react.

But we are seriously thinking of it and are going to see some greyhounds this weekend.

Another one bites the dust

My pottery class was canceled.

Not our time

The expectant parents chose another couple.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but in all honesty it would have been much more of a shock to have been chosen. But poor T feels a little rejected.

Show and Tell

It's been in the 80s this weekend, which is much warmer than normal for the end of April. The garden is blooming.

Secret

I got an email from our agency today. An expectant couple's match fell through. They didn't have a lot of information, but the situation has potential. The couple want to place with a childless couple. The agency wanted to know if we could send an electronic version of our book to show to the couple.

I said yes and emailed something over.

The baby is due in a couple of weeks.

So, our book is being shown.

Three years

My first post is pretty much as true today as it was on the day I posted it three years ago. I will list the differences.

• I got pregnant one more time and had a third miscarriage.
• We did IVF with PGD 3 times. They all failed. (We only had 1 transfer.)
  
• We had 4 failed IUIs with our first sperm donor.
• We had 2 failed IUIs with our second sperm donor. One resulted in our fourth miscarriage.
• We had our homestudy for domestic infant adoption approved.
• We've been waiting for a match for 6 months.
• T and I have been married for a few years rather than a few months.
  

Otherwise, it's all the same:

Why was I told to create a blog? There are several reasons. First is, I generally have a lot to say. I'm usually talking and spewing opinions, so I suppose folks thought that a good outlet was to write them down instead. Secondly, I sometimes have have a bit of free time during the day, and it was thought that writing in here would be a productive way to spend that time.

Those reasons, however, did not compel me to start this blog.

I was married a few months ago. I never thought I would get married because I never met a man that I liked much who liked me back. But then I met my husband, T, and we are very happy together.

We are ready to start a family and started trying right away. Happily, we got pregnant immediately. At about 5 weeks, the pregnancy ended. I had miscarried. I have friends who miscarried, and I knew it was common, so we weren't discouraged and knew we would try again soon. We were encouraged by the fact that we got pregnant so easily.

The next month, we were pregnant again. We didn't even intend to get pregnant that month. It just sort of happened. We were delighted. The 5 week mark passed and I was definitely feeling the effects of pregnancy. At about 7 weeks, the pregnancy ended. Again, we had friends who had several miscarriages, so we weren't completely hopeless, though it was much more difficult to deal with this time. I had felt good and we were excited, so it was disappointing to have lost that pregnancy. We felt ready for a baby and we thought we had got through the difficulties. With some tears and encouragement from our doctor, we were told there was no reason we couldn't get pregnant again soon. As a precaution, we had blood taken for tests that would rule us out for any serious complications that caused multiple miscarriages.

It turns out, that T has a chromosomal abnormality. It's called a balanced translocation. That means that one part of one chromosome switched places with one part of another chromosome. Because all of his chromosomal information is there, there was no way to know that anything was not right with his chromosomes. In his daily life, it has no consequence.

Unfortunately, what that does mean is that the odds of having a normal pregnancy is low.

So now we are battling infertility. We have the possibility of conceiving through IVF with PGD, which I may explain in more detail later. But we have an appointment with an IVF clinic in one month and are now grieving our ability to have a child without assistance, and perhaps have a child at all. It is unclear at this time what our chances are.

So I decided it might be cathartic to use this blog as a journal of sorts. I can talk about our journey, and perhaps learn how to deal with this emotional toll.

I know there are tons of people out there battling with infertility. There are also resources on the web. But I haven't found too many places where people just talk about all the complex feelings that go along with finding out you are infertile. It's a huge blow. Now, I know that we have a chance to have our own baby using our own genetic information, but I don't know what those chances are at this time. Some people will never be able to do that and have happy families via sperm or egg donation or adoption. I know that all of this is possible and can have a happy ending. It is just very difficult to not know exactly what is going on and to adjust to the reality of how our family will be created.

While the wonders of science make all of these things possible, and that is great, there is no denying the complexity of all of these choices and how much more difficult it is to organize and go through them than it is to do it the "old fashioned way."

It's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes we're okay and sometimes we're not.

So here we go....

Lying

Should you ever lie? Even by omission?

I am afraid to tell my friends who have young children about the death of our friends' child. I don't want to make people unnecessarily afraid. His mom really doesn't want what happened to trigger fear in parents.

It's easy enough to do with people at work.

But when good, close friends ask how I am, I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them. I am terrible at lying.

We attended one shiva call for a toddler and another memorial service for a man in his mid-forties this week. Understandably, I'm not in the greatest of spirits. How can I not tell?

I have to tell. But I don't want to keep people up at night feeling like they constantly have to check on their kids.

It's okay to tell, right?

Show and Tell

Because they are sitting shiva, they could not go to the baseball game. Their son loved the Red Sox, so they wanted to give the tickets to someone who they knew loved the game.

We went. The weather was lovely. It was certainly an exciting game. And we remembered the boy.

Fenway Park

Shiva

Shiva is sort of like a wake for Jewish people, except it lasts longer than one day. It's part of mourning. You can find out more about it by clicking on the link, if you're curious.

We went over to our friends' house tonight. They are sitting shiva for their son.

While trying to make sense of this, I found out about SUDC. We made a donation in his memory.

They are doing as well as can be expected, I guess. They are both coping in their own ways. It's hard. There was still baby stuff around the house -- a play pen, a high chair.

His mom said to me quietly that she knew we probably understand what they're going through more than anyone. They wrote a letter of reference for us to the adoption agency for our home study.

My biggest fear was that I would cry and she would comfort me. It happened a little. But I comforted her too.

It was good to see them living and dealing. I think I can be sad for them and yet still live my life. Because that is the best way to honor the short life of this little boy.

No title

This is my 450th post. My third year blogoversary is next week.

It has been more than three years since my first pregnancy.

All at once we are in the same place and not. We have been through so much since I started this blog and I have a completely different view on life (in some ways) than I did back then. Yet we are still not parents.

I feel in a weird place. I am still grieving for my friends' lost son. How do I move on when they cannot? We are going to see them tomorrow. My therapist tells me that I can mourn with them for a while, but I need to find a way to move on. I can have empathy, but I have my own burdens to bear.

We all need to move on and live life because what else can we do?

I know many of you have had to move on from your losses. I read your blogs and I see your ups and downs. I know that I try to do the same. Though we all have our own types of losses, we each figure out how to do it in different ways.

I'm not sure I've truly moved on from my loss, so perhaps that is why I'm feeling theirs so closely? Is there such a thing as feeling someone else's tragedy too much?

I just feel like I know what it's like to walk through life carrying a silence. I know my losses are different than this couple's loss, but I feel like I can truly feel it.

I say that spring is my favorite season because it's so nice for the weather to become bearable, but spring means blogoversary, my birthday and mother's day. I feel the passage of time so strongly. I suppose I should hate January because 3 of my 4 miscarriages were in January (I think), but for some reason I don't really think of miscarriage anniversaries that much.

I wish I could feel like it's okay to think about trivial things. I think about updating my facebook status, but how can I do something so trivial when my friends are enduring so much suffering?

How do I let go?

Loss

You go through infertility and you think you understand loss, and then something else happens.

A very lovely couple we know lost their toddler. During his short life he was deeply loved and appreciated. Now, without explanation, he is gone.

I know loss. All of us know loss. And yet.

My heart is broken for them.

Passover

I read Mel's article about being infertile at Passover. It definitely rings true. But there is another aspect that she did not mention that strikes me as someone waiting to be an adoptive parent.

The story of Moses is an adoption story. Jochebed, Moses's first mother, could not parent Moses due to unacceptable surroundings. She did the only thing she could to save her son that she loved so much - she gave him up. He was brought up in the home of the Pharaoh and was loved and never wanted for anything. She also found a way to help raise him, in that she was able to become his nurse and teach him the ways of his blood. He truly identified with the Hebrews/Israelites -- the people of his genetic origin. He becomes their leader.

One of my favorite authors, Orson Scott Card, who also happens to be Mormon and to write about the bible a lot, has these fictionalized versions of old testament stories. I enjoy learning about the history of religion and enjoyed reading these historical novels, but when it came to the one about Moses -- Stone Tables -- I couldn't get through the beginning. I couldn't get past the adoption aspect, the birth mother, the mix between two peoples. Moses is truly of two peoples -- the Egyptian royal family that raised him and the Hebrew family that gave birth to him and saved him by giving him away.

This isn't talked about much at the seder, but along with all of the infertile women of Jerusalem and all the themes of spring and re-birth and birth that are everywhere in the seder, I am thinking of Moses and what it was like for him to live in two different worlds.

This is the predicament of all adopted people. They have one foot in two different worlds. One foot is with their genetic origins and one foot is with the family that raised them. I can't really imagine what it's like. I know that it's different for each individual that lives with it. Unfortunately there never seems to be a really good answer about how to deal with such situations. I just know that they come up and that people try to make the best of the situation as they can. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.

I know nothing in this world is certain, but one thing that is always certain seems to be blood. That just never goes away no matter what. And it's just so difficult to sort out in my head how to come to terms with the fact that our family will never have that connection.

And yes I believe that connections can be made other ways -- I do not think adoptive families are less, only that they are different. I know my niece was adopted, but I certainly do not believe she is less my niece than her sister or cousin who is related by birth. But I do know that as much a part of the family she feels, she also feels apart in some ways. And that is what it means.

But I did appreciate Heather's statement that being an adoptive family is punk rock. It is. And I like being punk rock. So I'm trying to embrace that.

Wish I had something to say

Both T and I are feeling down, still. I have PMS which makes things worse. We're both sick of everything and aren't really sure how to get out of our funk.

We're both glad baseball has started back up, and we enjoy watching Idol on the TV, though neither of us vote.

T's been buying some toys lately, which I have mixed feelings about. We bought me a W.ii F.it in order to try and exercise a bit more. I've done it for a few days, but gained a pound. I'm going to stop weighing myself daily. I think that's a bad habit.

We're looking into carpeting the stairs in our house. It's something that's overdue, but not cheap and not easy. We think we've made a decision about doing it, though.

I haven't done anything about looking into those other agencies, though I need to. I need to just pick one and fill out the paperwork. I wish I could figure out why I can't make myself do it. I mean, I know part of the reason is because I feel like we already did all of this -- which we did. But we'll end up waiting like 3 more years if we don't do something else and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that so we have to do it again.

Blah.

Show and Tell

This is where I went to say goodbye to my boss that never was. I got hired by him, but before I started my new job he was promoted, so I never actually got to work with him. Apparently this is one of his favorite places.


Love the gold vinyl. Around the rest of the room were not more delightful black, shiny pictures but actual oil paintings of famous Italian people like Frank Sinatra and John Travolta. It was quite the lunch. Everybody thought the food was delicious. (It was okay.) I was delighted to discover that they have function rooms!

Join the fun with:

Not much

I tried to think about talking to my boss about her inappropriate comment, but the meeting I had turned into something bad, so I didn't. Because I misunderstood a procedure, I felt like I was being accused of trying to get out of completing my work or working hard enough or something. Anyway, I just couldn't bring it up, so that's that. Between her comment, some other comments she has made, and this encounter of feeling accused of not working hard, I'm not currently feeling so great about my boss. But it is what it is.

I'm trying to take this as something good so that when we get placed with a baby I won't mind quitting work and staying home. Isn't that funny?

Not too much is going on. We're feeling sad today. A colleague of T's has been ill and passed away at a too young age. T doesn't deal with loss particularly well. It's all very, very sad.

Saturday we are doing the MS Walk if anybody wants to donate.

I'm having second thoughts about our facilitator again. I think I want to work with an agency. We have to make a decision and fill out an application and commit before my pottery class starts. We're currently just wasting time and spinning our wheels. Why can't I move forward with this?

I heard this piece about grief on the radio today. This woman had lost her husband. I just couldn't help but think about myself in this situation, only the person (people) that I lost never actually existed. They were just concepts -- perhaps multiple cells. But the thing that has died is the person that would have been created had my DNA been able to successfully combine with T's DNA, and any of the thousands or millions of possible outcomes of that combination simply never will be. I really think they should have spoken with people who have failed all fertility treatments for that study.

My parents are going to be back from Florida today and I will see them this weekend. And despite all of this shit, I'm happy that baseball season is starting even though my fantasy team kind of sucks.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.