Survey

You may have seen this on the L&F, but, if you've had a miscarriage in the last 6 months, are over 18 and have a partner, please take this survey for research purposes.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=VCaiTA9Wo6w60W8HA0QxSA_3d_3d

Research Opportunity

Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and support through websites like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50 American Express gift certificate. For more information, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Lisa Rosenzweig
Teachers College
lsr2106@columbia.edu

Not low enough

My hcg yesterday was 12.5, so I'm going to have to go in again. It was so close. I was expecting to have to go in again, but I really thought the number would be in the 20s or so -- not this low. So, it is a slight pain to have to go in again, but I'm confident that I will be near or at 0 by next Friday.

Today we are having a big family get together. We are honoring the memory of one of my Nanas -- my father's mother -- by making her special cookies and blintzes. My brother is going to make ribs in his new smoker and we will watch football. My parents are leaving for FL for two months and this will be our last get together before they go. My mom will turn 70 in March, but will still be in FL on her birthday. We were hoping to go down and visit them in FL, but with my new job it looks like it's not going to happen. I'm a little disappointed, but it's definitely better for me to have a job.

T has a cold so he is snoring like a madman. I use earplugs to block out his snoring, but his cold makes it so bad that it wakes me up even with the earplugs in. Not good.

still fake pregnant

My hcg today was 90. Going in the right direction (well, under the circumstances) but not as low as I was hoping. Still bleeding. I have to go in a week from Friday for another blood test.

I sent off for some adoption information. We're going to a Domestic Infant Adoption information meeting on Jan 23rd so we can understand more about the process and start thinking about an agency. I guess I need to feel like I'm moving forward in some way.

The biggest bummer about moving on to adoption is that when you decide to jump off the ART roller coaster, you don't just get to go to a peaceful place. You simply jump on to another roller coaster: Home Inspections, paperwork, profile, waiting to get chosen. I don't want to be on any roller coaster any more. I want to go to a peaceful place. But I guess a peaceful place will never exist for me. If I do get pg again, I'm sure I'll be pretty paranoid, though in an ideal world the second trimester should be a pretty peaceful time. If I don't get pregnant, we'll be on an adoption roller coaster until we get a referral, then there's all the other waiting for all the legal forms to be signed and for custody and finalization, plus follow up visits. And lord knows having an infant isn't peaceful (though in a much better way than having multiple miscarriages isn't peaceful). The whole process is so huge, crazy, overwhelming and expensive. I look at the literature and I freak. I can't absorb it all.

I have been feeling slightly less down lately, though. Slightly. My boobs definitely hurt less. I spent the day with my parents today. Still haven't heard about that job.

Vegas is coming up very soon, and I am starting to look forward to getting out of the house and just being somewhere else. We should have a pretty good time despite all of this shit.

more fun with a miscarriage

Still bleeding. Last night was a particularly crampy one. Not fun. Took some ibuprophen and sat with the heating pad. Then I went to sleep. I feel much better this morning. B00bs don't really hurt any more. All of this points toward a pretty low number tomorrow, so that's good. After my blood test I'm going to spend the day with my parents. They are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks, so they're happy I'm going to stop by.

I have therapy today. I guess that's a good thing. There is a RESOLVE support group tonight that I sort of feel like going to, but also don't. I mean, I'd like to go to a support group, but that one is usually full of newbies, and I just don't feel like being the veteran bitter person in a group of wide-eyed hopeful newbies. I don't want to receive that, "Oh my god, that is so awful I'm terrified of her bad luck," look from people. I wish there were a veterans group. There is an occasional miscarriage support group, but I think the same issue would exist there.

We're also looking into finally going to some adoption information seminars. We need to get more information on how it works. Luckily my therapist knows a lot about that, too. So, we shall see.

Still feeling lame and self pity-ing. I hate this person I have become in some ways, but I just don't feel ready to pull myself out of it. I need to wallow a little bit longer. Somehow I will find a way to be strong again, but I guess I'm just not ready yet.

Here

I've been feeling pretty down lately. The bleeding started, but it seems kind of light, so I'm worried it isn't enough. I have another blood draw on Wednesday, so I'll know more then. I am just worried that it's going to take months for my hcg levels to go down below 5. I know I said that I sort of needed a break from all this ttc stuff, but this isn't how I pictured that break. I'll see how the bleeding goes over the next couple of days.

I'm starting to really think about adoption a lot. I am very close to saying FUCK THIS to the ART roller coaster and just sucking it up and going in to debt to do domestic adoption. I can't get past the infant thing -- I still want a newborn baby. And I still have mixed feelings about interracial adoption. I don't think interracial adoption is wrong. I definitely think it is a great thing for people who want it. I'm just not sure that's what I (or we) want. Between having interfaith parents and being adopted, how many more layers of complication can I handle layering on our child? I haven't completely ruled it out, but I still think I want a baby where, when we walk down the street, people won't necessarily know our family history without ever speaking to us. Sometimes I feel that's selfish, but I guess having a baby at all is selfish, so I am entitled to a last vestige of selfishness in what has turned into a long, horrible and painful process.

I had a really great job interview on Thursday. The job itself isn't that exciting, but it is a great company that is growing rapidly, and they do a lot of promotion from within starting in the department where I would work. The woman in HR gave me very positive vibes. I would have our old heath insurance again starting on my first day of work, so I think if I'm offered this job I will take it. It is a job that involves telephone support, so I am a bit worried about doctors appointments, etc, but I really need a job and I really need insurance, so I can't picture myself turning it down. They also have some sort of adoption benefit, though I'm not exactly sure of the details.

Tonight I am hanging out with E for a girls' night out. She's leaving baby S home with R. We went to their house for New Years and it was fine, but I'm really having a difficult time doing anything but feel sorry for myself lately, so I hope I don't act like an ass. I am thinking about Samantha's resolution to act with grace and poise this year. I admire her courage to do so. Maybe soon I can be in a place where I can try to do that, but right now I'm kind of wallowing in the depths of my own hell.

Nothing to do

My hcg levels are too low for misoprostol or a D&C so there's nothing I can do but wait.

Update:
I think I'm starting to spot! I never thought this would be uplifting, but I think things may be starting soon. Please, please please.

It went up

My hcg level this time was 144. It went up a little. No wonder my b00bs still hurt. This just sucks. I asked the nurse to ask the doctor if there was anything we could do to speed this along. I want this miscarriage to be over by the time I get to Las Vegas.

I'm feeling pretty empty. Usually I find solace in my knitting, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for me right now. I mean, I enjoy it and I keep making things, but I just don't feel fulfilled. I just feel like there is an empty pit in the middle of my body.

Maybe part of the reason is because I'm not working. I may have a job starting next Monday, but they have to see if they can make it so that it's not a problem that I'm not coming in the week we're going to Vegas. I do hope the job works out, though. I'm nervous about working full time again, but I think it's better to be busy and to have somewhere to go where I'm doing things than it is to make myself busy at home. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty I could do while I'm at home, but my motivation is pretty limited. And though I take care of some things, I'm not doing all I could do. I just find it really hard to reach inside myself and take care of big projects.

I hope I can get some sort of pill and empty out my uterus. This limbo is the worst.

Comfort

A couple of people (IRL) have said that at least this miscarriage isn't due to the BT. Or I haven't been pregnant in a while, so at least I know I can still get pregnant. Or that since the BT factor is gone, I must be getting close soon. I don't want an unhealthy baby. Since this is my first miscarriage with donor sperm, it's kind of like it's my first miscarriage.

The people who have said this to me have had some fertility problems of their own.

T tells me that people want to try to look on the better side of things. That when there is something that is so completely crappy, people try to find something good in it. T says that's what the people who say these things are doing.

But to me, that sounds like a pregnancy is something not to be taken seriously. A pregnancy loss is a step along the way. A pregnancy loss is a good start. I can forget about my other three losses because I know why they occurred, and now that we've changed a variable I am starting fresh.

Don't people have a difficult time with one loss? Aren't people devastated when they have one miscarriage? Don't they feel like they've lost a child? Don't they have trouble moving on? Don't they need safety and support to get through it? Aren't other people sorry for their loss?

Just because I have been through this before doesn't mean I've gotten used to it. Just because I had a reasonable expectation that this would happen doesn't mean I'm not bowled over by it.

I have been pregnant four times in the last two years and I have no children. I have injected myself with hormones and gone through surgery, and not once did it result in a healthy response. My husband and I have let go of a genetic connection between my husband and our child. My husband sits next to me and holds my hand while another man's sperm is injected into my body. We pay hundreds of dollars for this privilege. Each time it doesn't work, it hurts. And when we get a small indication that it may work and it doesn't, it hurts even more. Especially when it involves cramping and bleeding and feeling every moment what we are losing.

I feel each of my losses acutely. I don't want anybody to try to get me to look at the bright side of things. There is no bright side of this. This is hell. This is crap. This is being robbed and cheated of something that most people barely even think about. We've had an incredibly difficult time of it, and it sucks. I just want people to say that. Say that it sucks and that you're sorry.

I know that it sucks for me and that I am sorry.

Update:
I just found out that I have to wait a whole cycle before starting the pill for my injectible cycle. It will be almost 3 months until I can have another IUI.