Trying new things

Over the long weekend T and I implemented a new chart system for Henry and it started off really well. His behavior got SO MUCH better. It's only been a couple of days and we've had some rocky times, but we are going to continue with this new system.

Henry is very difficult to motivate. Sometimes he cares about pleasing and about getting stickers, but sometimes he truly does not. This makes consistency difficult.

T also made me find a new therapist. I loved my old therapist but I think it's time for me to find a new one. I haven't seen the old one for a while and I love her and would recommend her to anyone and everyone, I just feel the need to move on. I found a new one and she had a cancellation today. I will be leaving to meet her shortly.

We have an appointment with an RE on Friday to talk about a donor embryo cycle. I guess I need to find some donor embryos. I guess we might try this? I haven't really done much about searching for embryos yet. I suppose I will figure it out next week after this appointment.

I really miss my dog. A lot. I think having a baby would have distracted me more from the dog being gone, but since there is no baby and there is no dog, I am lonely. Henry is going to school during the summer part time and I am here, trying to get things done, alone in my house.

I feel empty inside.

I am getting through my days and getting things done. I talk to people and I act fine. But when I am alone in my house or in my bed trying to sleep, all I can do is cry.

I hope I can find some comfort somewhere.

Losing it

I feel like I am losing my shit.

All this emotion is really hitting me hard right now. I think I am PMS-y which makes it worse. Henry's behavior has gone downhill and he is being really challenging right now.

My job is to parent my son and I feel like I am failing at it right now.

I feel like I have lost control of him. I don't know if he's feeling all the emotions from the past couple of weeks and he is acting out because of it. He has been having behavior issues all along and we've recently been getting some more interventions. He switched schools for the summer so maybe it's just all the changes that have been going on lately, but he has been so much worse and so out of control.

I am lost in a sea of misery right now.

Discussion

So, the director of our adoption agency called yesterday. She felt really bad about the adoption falling through and told me she is going to make a few phone calls on our behalf and has put us at the top of her priority list in terms of finding a match. I thought that was really nice.

All things being equal, I think I'd rather an adoption match work out. I will explore embryo donation, and I would do it too, but the idea of going back to the RE and the IVF operating rooms just freaks me out. Also, as someone who has come to terms with never gestating a live child, to go back is really difficult emotionally. Some people might be super excited at the prospect, I suppose, but I guess I had just completely given up on it that the idea of going back to hoping is just terrifying.

We want to do whatever is fastest, so I guess for now we are technically going down both roads. I have no idea what is going to happen.

On board

T is on board with exploring the donated embryo option. His biggest concern is FET success rates. They seem to be under 40%, even with donor gametes.

I'm not sure I could do more than one try, but I kind of want to try it just the once.

I'm trying to schedule some consults to see if we can get things ironed out.

I never thought this would happen.

So

So now that this match failed, it's got me thinking about embryo adoption again. Sigh. Not sure that it's what we're going to to, but I've found myself googling and emailing about it.

I don't think T is on board with it, especially given the nature of the embryo donation agencies. But it's a tiny thought in the back of my mind now.

We are back active on the list with the attorney in FL.

Not great

I feel like my family has been ripped apart. I am empty inside. I miss my dog. It's difficult to walk by the empty room with the baby stuff in it. I want to scream, but I don't know what I want to say.

I am sad.

My  life looked so different last week.

There will be no baby

She decided to parent.

All I can think is, "I should have known."

I don't know how I am going to make Henry understand this.

Goodbye B-dog

I love my dog a lot. I have been crying a lot for the last several days. But today is the day we say goodbye to our beloved greyhound.

We loved him and he loved us. Our house is just not the right fit for him.

I kind of feel like I did him a disservice by bringing him here at all. He should have gone to another family from the beginning. We were matched with Henry only 3 months after we brought B-dog home and had we known we were bringing home a baby so quickly, we never would have got a dog.

But we got him and he came into our hearts. He's a pain in the butt, but we really love him.

It is difficult to explain to Henry that B-dog is going to live with another family. It is tough for him to understand.

My greatest fear is Henry will think we would do the same thing with him.

I talked to the social worker and K is 3 cm dilated, so she could go into labor any time now.

All of this is a lot of change for my little Henry and I am concerned about what his behavior is going to be like. He is not an easy kid to begin with, and all of this turmoil of losing his dog and becoming a big brother is going to be completely overwhelming to him.

And despite how sad I am about B-dog, I can only imagine what K is going through right now. What I am feeling about B-dog can't even match 1% of the emotion that first parents must feel.

It's an emotional time here at our house. We will get through it and things will get better, but right now we are stuck in an emotional sink hole.

I have to believe that dogs are adaptable and B-dog will find a family without small children that will love him well.

We will miss you, dogger.

On Top of Everything Else....

B-dog bit Henry in the face this morning. Henry is fine. We took him to the ER and he got 3 stitches on his cheek.

We have decided that we will have to send B-dog back to the rescue where we got him. We want everyone to be safe. But because he bit someone, he technically has to be in quarantine for 10 days, and that's supposed to be in the town where the incident occurred. In 10 days we will most likely be in FL, and I don't want this to happen again between now and then (though it is unlikely, I think.) I hate for it to drag on like this.

This has been a really horrible day.

I am feeling really sad about this decision, but know it is the right one.

We are doing ok. 

One week

There is one week left until the baby's due date.

I just spoke with the social worker. K is still committed to the adoption. But she knows how difficult it is going to be. My heart is breaking for her already. She doesn't want to meet us or see us in the hospital or anything. She wants to have the baby, see him once and then leave the hospital and try to move on.

I am in a very sad place around all of this. I know adoption is difficult, and I remember clearly how difficult it was to leave the hospital with Henry and watch CC and O. drive off without him. My heart broke in that moment and I do carry that around with me. My heart is already breaking for K.

So, even though the baby is due in a week, we probably won't fly down to go to him until after the consent forms are signed.

Most likely he will go in the NICU because of the meth@d0ne, though it isn't guaranteed. We have no idea how long he might be in there.

I just wish I could plan around this. Things are crazy at T's work and I don't know how to deal with a very active almost 4 year old while waiting around for his newborn brother. My parents want to come down with us, but I don't want them to know about the meth@d0ne.

I am feeling stressed and ready and sad.

Waiting game commence.

Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

5 Weeks?

So, it's getting closer. I am starting to realize that this could happen anytime now, really. I just dug out the newborn and 0-3 month clothing from when Henry was a baby. It's so tiny. Was he ever so tiny? I'm going to have a tiny baby in my house?

I was up from 3am-4am worrying about logistics.

Still not sure what we're going to do if the baby has to be hospitalized for 4 or weeks. I guess I'm going to fly back and forth a lot or something. Maybe my mom can watch Henry. We'll just have to figure it out as it goes.

My family does NOT know of the hospitalization risk or of the M.eth.a.do.ne exposure. Trying to keep it that way. Not sure how to explain it if it happens, but I just don't want that information hanging over this child.

Freaking out a bit. We're going to get the room ready before he comes back this time. We've told WAY more people than last time. It's more difficult when you're already parenting to keep this a secret.

Henry is so excited to be a big brother. I hope he stays that way. I think he's already regressing a little bit. He's making me carry him all the time now.

We're going to buy an infant car seat this week.

Yikes. So excited and so scared.

Two months left

Two months until K's due date. We have been telling Henry that he is going to be getting a brother. This morning he asked me, "Why isn't my brother here yet?" Perhaps we told him too early. He is clearly thinking about what it will mean.

He's asking about where his brother is now. I told him he is in his birth mom's uterus. Then I asked him whose uterus he grew in. He said me. This is the first time he has said that. But I said no, that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I asked him again and he said CC's name. He is clearly thinking about things.

I am starting to feel anxious, but I also just want this wait to be over.

I am assuming that the baby will need to stay in the NICU for a month (which is pretty much worst case scenario) and I just don't know how we will handle that. I have kept the maintenance method of the expectant mom to myself, not letting the family know. I don't know how I will keep it from my parents if they come to FL when the baby is born to help care for Henry.

But this wait is so difficult. I am emotionally prepping the best I can, but we have been matched for a long time now. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling Henry. Not sure how to explain if K changes her mind.

But things are still moving forward. We have two months until the baby is due.

Yikes.

Potty trained!

It's been a long winter. Henry had pneumonia twice. He was really, really sick and had been in school for only 3 out of the last 15 weeks due to school vacations and illness. It's been a rough time for us, though he is doing much better now. He is on a nebulizer for another month to try and avoid another bout of pneumonia if he gets another cold. He had 105 in the doctor's office. It was bad. Thank goodness he's better.

We were just in FL for a week. My mom hurt her back so it was good that I was there to help her. It wasn't the most fun vacation, but I was able to relax and knit a lot, and it was good to get away.

The best thing that happened is that H is potty trained! So pleased to not have to change diapers any more! He is doing a great job and I am very proud of him. He's even been dry a few nights. He was afraid of potties that were not his frog potty for a while (the one from T@rget) but I have a potty seat and he has adjusted. He is doing so great, I am so proud.

Got an update from expectant mom K's social worker. Things are looking good and normal. She's 25 weeks along now. I asked for confirmation on the sex of the baby, but at the last ultrasound the baby was curled up so tight they couldn't see and do all the required measurements, so she has to go back next week to complete the testing. But everything seems to be looking good for her health and the baby's health so far. The social worker says she still seems committed to the adoption plan. She still wants it to be completely closed.

We're still just waiting. We are talking to Henry a little bit in the abstract about "when" he is going to be a big brother. He mentions it in passing sometimes.

The due date is really only 3 months away.

Here's hoping H stays healthy and is able to go to school consistently. We both really need it.

Information

We got some more health information about K. She is currently 16w6d along, meaning her due date is at the end of June. (We had originally been told the end of May.) She made it to her most recent doctor's appointment, which is good, since she had previously missed a couple. She is going to a perinatalogist due to her meth@d0ne treatment.

Feeling a little better about the sex of the baby. We've been talking names already, which might be dangerous. But we think we have one.

Henry has been sick a bunch and all the time I keep thinking that I'm glad I don't have to deal with an infant while dealing with all of this stuff. But I do want another infant. Sometimes I get scared of how much work it will be, but I still know this is what I want. I hope I am able to be flexible so that H can get all the activity he needs while the baby can still nap. I usually pick H up from school at 2pm. Will I not be able to do that next year?

The end of June seems a long, long way away. H will be done with school (and hopefully in some sort of summer program). My parents will have gone to Florida for two months and come back. I will have hosted our family Passover seder at our house. I will have turned 41.

But it will come and whether or not we bring that baby home, our lives will be forever changed.

More info

We got a call from the social worker who is working with K. We found out the baby is a boy. We also found out that she is possibly one month less pregnant than she originally thought.

So, to me, this is significant. Is the baby measuring really small and therefore not healthy? Or is paternity different from what she had originally reported?

This seems even more complicated than before.

Also, I'm feeling guilty that I am the tiniest bit disappointed that it's a boy. I would have loved to have a daughter too. I mean, I'm not so disappointed that I would ever change my mind about the match over the sex of the baby or anything. I really just want a healthy child. But I have to admit that I was a little bit hoping to have one of each. I feel terrible about that.

On a happier note, the social worker talked to K about openness and why it is good, and it seems she is thinking about accepting a little bit of openness. This definitely pleases me. I would like to have a little bit of openness in both of our adoptions.

Waiting

We received a health report for the expectant mom. We got one piece of new information from it. I feel really in the dark about this. When we were matched with CC and O. we talked to them all of the time. This expectant mom, K, doesn't want contact.

We discussed if there were any issue that would make us change our minds about this match, and we decided there wasn't. So, we wait.

My mind is jumbled with some worry. Will the expectant mom change her mind? How will Henry deal with being a big brother? He regularly pushes little 1 year olds over, but he pretty much ignores little babies. How will I be able to handle two kids, especially if the baby is fussy? Methadone babies are usually fussy, so I am not anticipating an easy baby like Henry was.

Will I go insane with a very strong willed 3-year-old and a fussy baby?

My mother asked if we were going to paint the room. My mind hadn't even gone there.

We were supposed to visit my parents in Florida in March for vacation, but as it seems we're going to go down there at the end of May for a baby, that vacation is off.

We aren't talking to Henry about this specific baby, though we do talk with him that someday we will adopt another baby and it will come live with us and he will have a brother or sister and he will BE a big brother. We have decided to keep it abstract with him.

Henry just woke up. Gotta run.

Matched.

We got chosen by one of the expectant moms.

She's on Methadone.
Some of the legal complications have been resolved already.
Birthfather is completely unknown.
She wants a completely closed adoption.

Holy shit. I'm completely freaking out and crying right now.

Due date 5/25.

Being shown

We got two expectant mother profile emails in one day after not hearing from the agency for about 3 months. We are having our profile shown to both expectant moms. These adoptions would be much more complicated than H's. Unknown birthfathers, perhaps methadone, etc. Are we ready to deal with these things? I'm not sure. But if we keep an open mind, we are more likely to be parents sooner. I suppose we can back out if things get overly complicated. These things happen.

I see babies and I feel ready. Babies don't make me sad, like they did when we were waiting for H. I feel a little scared. H has had a good week and I'm hoping we're over the horrible 3 hump and headed for a slightly better 3 1/2. What will happen when a new baby is introduced? I don't know. We do talk about it sometimes.

He likes giving things to babies, so that's good.

I think babies born with methadone addiction have a rough start as they detox, but generally do well if they weren't exposed to other drugs in utero.

We have to send our prints in to the FBI again and do the CORI and SORI and stuff again. Paperwork sucks.

Waiting to hear that we haven't been chosen sucks, though. I can't help but wonder when things will work. It will have been a pretty short wait if we got chosen now.

Constipation?

Ok, he's acting better today. He pooped 3 times before noon and didn't go at all yesterday (I'm not sure about the day before.) Could constipation have caused this?

I mean, he's very strong willed and challenging most of the time, but he was way, way, WAY worse than normal on Friday. I would have guessed he was sick except he wasn't. Maybe his tummy hurt?

He has good days and bad days, but his bad days weren't usually as bad as Friday.

Anyway, I'm feeling slightly less freaked out today and more hopeful it might be age appropriate frustrating behavior.

Thanks all.