I feel like I should post

I've been thinking about my abandoned blog lately. I don't feel like blogging anymore, obviously. I am busy parenting and I'm not sure I have any useful insights about adoptive parenting or parenting in general or whatever.

We never heard from CC and O. about the potential next baby. I will call them within the next month or two, but I no longer think this will happen. It bums me out a little, but it's fine. Regardless, we need to complete our paperwork for kid #2. Doing so while parenting is proving more challenging than anticipated. It's also bringing back some emotions I thought I was rid of. I'm angry that I have to do all this paperwork. I'm annoyed that I need to have a notary to have a kid. I'm frustrated by the financial aspect of this all.

I need to put aside some time to fill out the paperwork, but I'm just having a difficult time. I need a kickstart.

On the positive side, I have the absolutely best almost 2 year old ever in the whole wide world. Really, that's objectively true. His grandmothers agree with me, so it must be.

Five years

Lavender Luz reminded me that it is my blogoversary. It's been 5 years since T was diagnosed with a balanced translocation and since my first miscarriage. I cannot believe that much time has passed. It truly boggles my mind.

My family did not end up where I expected it to at the beginning of this journey. These days I sometimes wonder if I could go back and not endure infertility and wonder if I would. I have always said that I wish I didn't go through all of our trials and tribulations, but I honestly believe all of our trouble has made me a different kind of parent than I would have been had my family come easily to me. I wouldn't be completely different, but I don't think I would be able to as easily take a step back during the tedium, minutia and frustrating moments of parenting and realize how lucky I am.

So, here's to appreciating the wonder of children. They're exhausting but so very worth it.

Lucky

A woman who is 7 months pregnant told me today that I was "lucky" to not be able to be pregnant and give birth. Happily, at this point I mostly just get annoyed at comments like that. I simply told her that being an adoptive parent has its own distinct difficulties.

But I'm still thinking about it and am still annoyed. People have no idea.

That being said, I am lucky. But not for the reasons she thinks I am.

Not a blogger anymore

I'm not sure why I'm not into blogging anymore. I just rarely feel like blogging my emotions and happenings. Occasionally I need to get something out I suppose, but in general it's been feeling like a nuisance lately.

We went to FL to visit my parents. Henry had a lovely time and it was nice and relaxing. We did go to see CC and O. We had agreed (I thought) to meet at around 1pm. I called at 2 an they said they were an hour (!) away, so we had to entertain a busy toddler in the middle of nowhere for 2 hours while we waited for them. We were quite annoyed at how long we had to wait for them, but once they arrived, it all went well. They were happy to see Henry. Henry and O. got along quite well. CC was a little more distant. We got some pictures and they each held him. I was glad that we were able to get together and see each other.

We did discuss the possibility of a sibling while we were with them. They are still interested in doing it, but they want to do it sooner rather than later. Our agency found a social worker and I have spoken to her twice and sent her phone number for CC and O. to contact her and set up a time to talk. I don't know if the talk will really happen, but I will call CC and O. next week to follow up about it. I have a feeling that this might actually happen. I still feel a little tentative about it sometimes, but I still can't think of a reason to not do it. It's still really freaky, though.

Would this child's birth story be too weird?

Me and my H man.

Now that the weather has changed, things with Bdog are much better. The rescue did eventually call, but I told them we decided to keep him. She pushed a little for me to return him, but in the end he's still here. He seems to be doing well.

Bdog

So the rescue totally hasn't gotten back to me and Bdog has been being really good. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, at this point I am preparing to keep him here.

Today Henry was right next to Bdog as Bdog was eating (H finds the fact that Bdog eats VERY interesting) and Bdog didn't care or even bat an eye.

I had a playgroup this morning with H, an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. Bdog was excellent.

I think for now I'm going to bring in a trainer to see if we can get a way to teach Bdog to be able to be in a room by himself when there are people home. If I can remove him when he bugs me too much and he'll behave, then I think I can cope.

And I think he can cope, too.

I hope keeping Bdog around isn't a mistake, but I feel like the lack of response from the rescue is a sign that I was having a bad week and most of this was insane cabin fever.

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Nothing is happening on the CC and O. front. I haven't heard from the adoption agency yet for info about counseling. I guess I'm going to have to call again soon.

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Today Henry is 18 months old. Happy half birthday, beautiful boy!

My brain won't stop

So I've spoken with a few people about my ethical dilemma and I think I'm comfortable enough with it to talk about it here. I've done a small amount of footwork and we're exploring the idea to see whether it can be done in an ethical and healthy way. I don't know if it will happen or not, but we're thinking about whether we might be able to make it work.

I emailed CC and O. as I usually do, quarterly. I like to keep them up to date about what happen's in Henry's life. I sent pictures and I mentioned that we were starting the paperwork to get Henry a sibling. I did this because when we adopted Henry, both CC and O. wanted to make sure that Henry would NOT be an only child. This was very important to both of them.

You're probably suspecting where this is going, but just hold on.

O. called us with some excitement in his voice. He asked if we had a match with any expectant parents or something like that. I said no, we're just doing the preliminary paperwork like the fingerprints and CORI checks and stuff like that. (His response was, "You have to do that AGAIN?!?" Glad it's not just me. Anyway.)

I know what you're thinking. Wait for it.

So then he said something like, "We think it would be great if Henry could grow up with a full, biological sibling. We really love you guys and were thinking, what if CC and I have a baby for you?"

I was stunned. (To say the least.)

I didn't know what to say. I must have been muttering because then he said, "Did I just blow your mind?" Yes. Yes he did.

I did muster up enough cognition to say something like, "I have to talk to the adoption agency to see if something like that is even possible," because the ethics of it was already springing to mind. I wanted an 'out' that wasn't me saying that I didn't think it was ethical. I also told him on some level that's every adoptive parents' dream.

So, I've been thinking about it. I spoke to the adoption agency and my therapist. Nobody has ever heard of birth parents TRYING to get pregnant in order to place with their bio sibling. Yes, birth parents have found themselves expecting again and wanting to place with the same family, but CC is not yet pregnant.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be okay. I mean, it's sort of a type of surrogacy. CC and O. could still choose to parent after giving birth, if that's what they decide to do. I truly believe they are not wanting to do this for the money and authentically and genuinely want Henry to grow up with a fully biological sibling.

Now, I haven't spoken to CC about this. I'm not sure how she's feeling. I know that they have discussed it, but I don't know her thoughts without O. around. O. doesn't get pregnant so it's 'easier' for him to say he wants to do this.

So, both the adoption agency and my therapist recommended counseling for them before we discuss this further. I called CC and O. and O. thought it was a really good idea. We have CC's health to think about, plus all the other issues. I reassured him that we would never ASK them to do this, and if they really think about it and decide it is a bad idea for whatever reason that is OK and they will always be Henry's first parents and we love them no matter what. He seemed to appreciate that.

So we're figuring out how to find someone for them to talk to about his, hopefully both together and separately.

So, yeah. Along with my Bdog issues, this is going on.

I am so very tired and looking forward to my vacation in FL. Needless to say I haven't told my parents about this. I just need to know if Bdog will be here while we're gone and I need to hire a dog sitter or not. I really wish the rescue would just tell me. I'm fine with him staying with us for another month or two. I just need to know.

*sigh*

(Did I just blow your mind or what?)

I want somebody to tell me what to do

I keep feeling like I'm making a terrible mistake. I feel like B is getting better with time, and aside from the back stairs issue (which will never be resolved unless we redo the back stairs) that I could be making a bigger deal of this than it really is.

B is getting used to not having two walks every day. And when all this snow melts, I'll be able to take him out in the afternoon more often. And the back yard will have more room for him to run around.

He's still not used to having other people in the house, and he doesn't know how to remove himself from the chaos. I am still not sure how I will manage keeping H away from him when there's a newborn that needs attention. I do fear disaster and that is the main reason I'm planning on him living elsewhere. I think Bdog would do better in a house without small children.

But maybe I should make this work.

My fear is that I will try and fail and we'll have to rehome him later, which will be much, much worse for Bdog.

I'm trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is in Bdog's best interest, but all I feel is selfish.

I want somebody else to tell me what I should do.

Sad

I feel like Bdog is an innocent victim of my poor decision making.

I talked to the rescue. They're making inquiries about what we can do with him.

I feel both lost and a sense of relief. But mostly, I'm sad.

Dog decisions

The rescue hasn't called me back as of yet.

Bdog just made it up the back stairs.

I feel stuck. On one hand I want to send Bdog back to the rescue to find another home while he's still young and pretty rescue-able. I love him and I want the best for him. I fear that once we have a second child I will absolutely not be able to handle him and that if I wait another year or two before sending him back, things will be worse for him. I fear that as H gets more and more active, the dog will have less and less tolerance for him. Bdog has growled at both H and a 3-year-old visitor at our home.

On the other hand, I want to push through this. When the snow melts, things won't be as bad. I'll be able to walk with a stroller again and being outside with Bdog and H will be much more pleasant.

I don't want to be one of those people who takes a dog into her home and then gives it back. I've always felt those people are irresponsible and I consider myself very responsible. I made a commitment and I need to see it through. I should enlist a behaviorist and possibly put Bdog on some medication to make him less anxious.

But honestly, I don't want to put that much work into a dog. It's difficult enough for us to have a child. Why should having a dog be this difficult? I just feel like I want to be free.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Dog

The dog now outright refuses to come up the back stairs. I just left a message at the rescue to see what bringing him back would entail. I can't handle having a dog anymore.

Ethics

I have an ethical question that I'm even too afraid to ask here. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist next week to discuss it. I'm feeling confused. I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone but T and my therapist. I don't even want to talk to my mom about it.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that? Is there anything that feels so secret to you that you're afraid to even talk about it anywhere?

How can that not eat you up? I'm a talker by nature.

In other news, we're going to FL the first week in March. We're going to be able to visit with CC and O., most likely. I'm a little nervous but mostly excited about that.

Also, we've had enough snow here, thanks. I'm ready for spring.

Application

I've been putting off filling out our adoption application. I wanted it in by 1/1, but who knows if that will actually happen. I finally filled out a few forms tonight.

I forgot what a huge pain in the ass this is.

*sigh*

No wonder I've been putting it off. I have to force myself to do it. It's just so challenging. It's hard to fill out paperwork now for something I don't expect to come to fruition for two more years.

But I have to make myself do it.

Bleargh.

Better

Bdog came up the stairs. H is at my parents and I have a full day off. I'm feeling a bit better today.

I still worry about keeping Bdog, but for now our crisis is averted. He's wary of the stairs, but he's climbing them for now.

I love this dog, but I also stress about him. And I stress about the dog way more than I stress about the baby. That seems weird. I don't know how I'll handle the dog with two kids.

But for now, things are looking better.

Bad day

Today is a bad day.

I have to do a volunteer shift at a co-operative play space we joined and I have no one to look after Henry when I'm working. My mom backed and and the neighbor who was going to help is way too sick to come. It will work out, but it's a bit of a pain. If this was my only issue, I'd get over it fast.

Bdog won't climb the back stairs any more. This means I have to walk him around front to get him back in the house. This creates a huge issue for his going out issues. He won't climb the inside stairs, either. I feel like I am doing Bdog a disservice and I feel like it's untenable for us to keep him. He needs a better home than we can provide for him. This is really depressing me.

H is having sleeping issues. He's waking up early(ish) in the morning (for him, and it interferes with Bdog's walk schedule) and his napping is being weird. It's only 2 days, but I'm concerned. He's never had sleeping issues before and he wouldn't go down for a nap quickly today or yesterday and he woke up in the middle of his nap today, but he did go back to sleep. Now I need to wake him up in 10 minutes so that I can make that shift at the play space.

I have 6 bags of leaves from the back yard waiting to be picked up by the town, but apparently no leaves are collected after December 11th in this town. So how I have 6 bags of leaves until April. I don't have any place to keep them until then. What am I supposed to do?

Writing this, it makes me wonder why I feel as distraught as I do, but I feel distraught. Maybe it's the Bdog thing. I really question my ability to care for him every single day. He is so attached to me, but he won't let anyone else care for him. I just don't know what to do now that it seems I can't simply let him out in the back yard. T doesn't really like Bdog anyway.

I just feel like crying. Today sucks.

Tomorrow morning I"m dropping H off at Grammie and Grampie's for 24 hours. We have T's office holiday party tomorrow night. I hope I can relax a little.

Plugging along

We definitely have the winter sickness thing going around this house. H had a stomach bug around Thanksgiving and then we all got head colds. I seem to have got the head cold the worst, which is odd since I'm usually never sick.

Thanksgiving was good. Lots of cousins were around. H wasn't the youngest as we met his 6 month old cousin for the first time. A lovely time was had by all.

Hanukkah is happening now, so we're doing the exchange of gifts on Sunday. I'm only like 66% finished, but hopefully I can do what I want to do tomorrow. Though we have our adoption group tomorrow and things will be busy. Things are always busy. Good busy, though.

We're doing a re-fi on our mortgage and that's almost done so I have to face the fact that we need to complete our home study for #2. I'm actually getting outside pressure to do this. I need a deadline, so it's going to be Jan 1. We're going to have all our paperwork for kid #2 complete by Jan 1. We've got to do it. I expect the wait to be a longish one, and even if it's not, it's time for us. At this point I feel like everyone I know either has 2 kids or has one with another one on the way, so I guess I have to get in that line.

This decision feels really different this time. Less monumental, I guess. Being a mom I guess changes my perspective on things. I'm not nearly an anxious about it.

H is awesome as ever. He's getting really strong willed and opinionated. He's still only saying, "Nononono!" but he understands everything we say. I sent off an email to CC and O. after his 15 month checkup (25 lbs! 16 teeth!) but didn't hear anything back.

A family friend at Thanksgiving told me that she thinks her son and his wife are considering adoption and were asking about me and T and H. I again said something about how adoptive parenting is different than bio parenting and felt like I was being judged... like I was saying my son is less than or something. This bothers me. I need to figure out how to better express what I mean when I'm saying this. How do you say "not the same" but not mean "less than"? I need a better choice of words or something. I'm finding this frustrating.

Here is my little man sleeping in the car with his balloon. He loves balloons. He was clutching it and staring at it with so much love as he fell asleep.

But I still have limits

I really meant it when I said I don't get upset seeing pregnant people around and I'm feeling like I've closed the chapter of thinking about having a biological child.

That being said, today I overheard too many conversations about fertile people's fertility. And it bugged me.

Really, I don't need to hear how you didn't know it was more difficult to get pregnant while breastfeeding because you got pregnant very easily the first month after you got your period for the first time while still breastfeeding.

I also don't need to hear the pregnant woman talk about her second thoughts on having a second child.

I'm doing better, but I still have limits, thankyouverymuch.

Getting over it

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

Halloween!

Strangers

Today, at the play area at the mall, someone told me how much my son looks like me.

I simply said, "Thanks."

It was weird.

Just interesting

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.