Bdog

So the rescue totally hasn't gotten back to me and Bdog has been being really good. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, at this point I am preparing to keep him here.

Today Henry was right next to Bdog as Bdog was eating (H finds the fact that Bdog eats VERY interesting) and Bdog didn't care or even bat an eye.

I had a playgroup this morning with H, an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. Bdog was excellent.

I think for now I'm going to bring in a trainer to see if we can get a way to teach Bdog to be able to be in a room by himself when there are people home. If I can remove him when he bugs me too much and he'll behave, then I think I can cope.

And I think he can cope, too.

I hope keeping Bdog around isn't a mistake, but I feel like the lack of response from the rescue is a sign that I was having a bad week and most of this was insane cabin fever.

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Nothing is happening on the CC and O. front. I haven't heard from the adoption agency yet for info about counseling. I guess I'm going to have to call again soon.

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Today Henry is 18 months old. Happy half birthday, beautiful boy!

My brain won't stop

So I've spoken with a few people about my ethical dilemma and I think I'm comfortable enough with it to talk about it here. I've done a small amount of footwork and we're exploring the idea to see whether it can be done in an ethical and healthy way. I don't know if it will happen or not, but we're thinking about whether we might be able to make it work.

I emailed CC and O. as I usually do, quarterly. I like to keep them up to date about what happen's in Henry's life. I sent pictures and I mentioned that we were starting the paperwork to get Henry a sibling. I did this because when we adopted Henry, both CC and O. wanted to make sure that Henry would NOT be an only child. This was very important to both of them.

You're probably suspecting where this is going, but just hold on.

O. called us with some excitement in his voice. He asked if we had a match with any expectant parents or something like that. I said no, we're just doing the preliminary paperwork like the fingerprints and CORI checks and stuff like that. (His response was, "You have to do that AGAIN?!?" Glad it's not just me. Anyway.)

I know what you're thinking. Wait for it.

So then he said something like, "We think it would be great if Henry could grow up with a full, biological sibling. We really love you guys and were thinking, what if CC and I have a baby for you?"

I was stunned. (To say the least.)

I didn't know what to say. I must have been muttering because then he said, "Did I just blow your mind?" Yes. Yes he did.

I did muster up enough cognition to say something like, "I have to talk to the adoption agency to see if something like that is even possible," because the ethics of it was already springing to mind. I wanted an 'out' that wasn't me saying that I didn't think it was ethical. I also told him on some level that's every adoptive parents' dream.

So, I've been thinking about it. I spoke to the adoption agency and my therapist. Nobody has ever heard of birth parents TRYING to get pregnant in order to place with their bio sibling. Yes, birth parents have found themselves expecting again and wanting to place with the same family, but CC is not yet pregnant.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be okay. I mean, it's sort of a type of surrogacy. CC and O. could still choose to parent after giving birth, if that's what they decide to do. I truly believe they are not wanting to do this for the money and authentically and genuinely want Henry to grow up with a fully biological sibling.

Now, I haven't spoken to CC about this. I'm not sure how she's feeling. I know that they have discussed it, but I don't know her thoughts without O. around. O. doesn't get pregnant so it's 'easier' for him to say he wants to do this.

So, both the adoption agency and my therapist recommended counseling for them before we discuss this further. I called CC and O. and O. thought it was a really good idea. We have CC's health to think about, plus all the other issues. I reassured him that we would never ASK them to do this, and if they really think about it and decide it is a bad idea for whatever reason that is OK and they will always be Henry's first parents and we love them no matter what. He seemed to appreciate that.

So we're figuring out how to find someone for them to talk to about his, hopefully both together and separately.

So, yeah. Along with my Bdog issues, this is going on.

I am so very tired and looking forward to my vacation in FL. Needless to say I haven't told my parents about this. I just need to know if Bdog will be here while we're gone and I need to hire a dog sitter or not. I really wish the rescue would just tell me. I'm fine with him staying with us for another month or two. I just need to know.

*sigh*

(Did I just blow your mind or what?)

I want somebody to tell me what to do

I keep feeling like I'm making a terrible mistake. I feel like B is getting better with time, and aside from the back stairs issue (which will never be resolved unless we redo the back stairs) that I could be making a bigger deal of this than it really is.

B is getting used to not having two walks every day. And when all this snow melts, I'll be able to take him out in the afternoon more often. And the back yard will have more room for him to run around.

He's still not used to having other people in the house, and he doesn't know how to remove himself from the chaos. I am still not sure how I will manage keeping H away from him when there's a newborn that needs attention. I do fear disaster and that is the main reason I'm planning on him living elsewhere. I think Bdog would do better in a house without small children.

But maybe I should make this work.

My fear is that I will try and fail and we'll have to rehome him later, which will be much, much worse for Bdog.

I'm trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is in Bdog's best interest, but all I feel is selfish.

I want somebody else to tell me what I should do.

Sad

I feel like Bdog is an innocent victim of my poor decision making.

I talked to the rescue. They're making inquiries about what we can do with him.

I feel both lost and a sense of relief. But mostly, I'm sad.

Dog decisions

The rescue hasn't called me back as of yet.

Bdog just made it up the back stairs.

I feel stuck. On one hand I want to send Bdog back to the rescue to find another home while he's still young and pretty rescue-able. I love him and I want the best for him. I fear that once we have a second child I will absolutely not be able to handle him and that if I wait another year or two before sending him back, things will be worse for him. I fear that as H gets more and more active, the dog will have less and less tolerance for him. Bdog has growled at both H and a 3-year-old visitor at our home.

On the other hand, I want to push through this. When the snow melts, things won't be as bad. I'll be able to walk with a stroller again and being outside with Bdog and H will be much more pleasant.

I don't want to be one of those people who takes a dog into her home and then gives it back. I've always felt those people are irresponsible and I consider myself very responsible. I made a commitment and I need to see it through. I should enlist a behaviorist and possibly put Bdog on some medication to make him less anxious.

But honestly, I don't want to put that much work into a dog. It's difficult enough for us to have a child. Why should having a dog be this difficult? I just feel like I want to be free.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Dog

The dog now outright refuses to come up the back stairs. I just left a message at the rescue to see what bringing him back would entail. I can't handle having a dog anymore.

Ethics

I have an ethical question that I'm even too afraid to ask here. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist next week to discuss it. I'm feeling confused. I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone but T and my therapist. I don't even want to talk to my mom about it.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that? Is there anything that feels so secret to you that you're afraid to even talk about it anywhere?

How can that not eat you up? I'm a talker by nature.

In other news, we're going to FL the first week in March. We're going to be able to visit with CC and O., most likely. I'm a little nervous but mostly excited about that.

Also, we've had enough snow here, thanks. I'm ready for spring.

Application

I've been putting off filling out our adoption application. I wanted it in by 1/1, but who knows if that will actually happen. I finally filled out a few forms tonight.

I forgot what a huge pain in the ass this is.

*sigh*

No wonder I've been putting it off. I have to force myself to do it. It's just so challenging. It's hard to fill out paperwork now for something I don't expect to come to fruition for two more years.

But I have to make myself do it.

Bleargh.

Better

Bdog came up the stairs. H is at my parents and I have a full day off. I'm feeling a bit better today.

I still worry about keeping Bdog, but for now our crisis is averted. He's wary of the stairs, but he's climbing them for now.

I love this dog, but I also stress about him. And I stress about the dog way more than I stress about the baby. That seems weird. I don't know how I'll handle the dog with two kids.

But for now, things are looking better.

Bad day

Today is a bad day.

I have to do a volunteer shift at a co-operative play space we joined and I have no one to look after Henry when I'm working. My mom backed and and the neighbor who was going to help is way too sick to come. It will work out, but it's a bit of a pain. If this was my only issue, I'd get over it fast.

Bdog won't climb the back stairs any more. This means I have to walk him around front to get him back in the house. This creates a huge issue for his going out issues. He won't climb the inside stairs, either. I feel like I am doing Bdog a disservice and I feel like it's untenable for us to keep him. He needs a better home than we can provide for him. This is really depressing me.

H is having sleeping issues. He's waking up early(ish) in the morning (for him, and it interferes with Bdog's walk schedule) and his napping is being weird. It's only 2 days, but I'm concerned. He's never had sleeping issues before and he wouldn't go down for a nap quickly today or yesterday and he woke up in the middle of his nap today, but he did go back to sleep. Now I need to wake him up in 10 minutes so that I can make that shift at the play space.

I have 6 bags of leaves from the back yard waiting to be picked up by the town, but apparently no leaves are collected after December 11th in this town. So how I have 6 bags of leaves until April. I don't have any place to keep them until then. What am I supposed to do?

Writing this, it makes me wonder why I feel as distraught as I do, but I feel distraught. Maybe it's the Bdog thing. I really question my ability to care for him every single day. He is so attached to me, but he won't let anyone else care for him. I just don't know what to do now that it seems I can't simply let him out in the back yard. T doesn't really like Bdog anyway.

I just feel like crying. Today sucks.

Tomorrow morning I"m dropping H off at Grammie and Grampie's for 24 hours. We have T's office holiday party tomorrow night. I hope I can relax a little.

Plugging along

We definitely have the winter sickness thing going around this house. H had a stomach bug around Thanksgiving and then we all got head colds. I seem to have got the head cold the worst, which is odd since I'm usually never sick.

Thanksgiving was good. Lots of cousins were around. H wasn't the youngest as we met his 6 month old cousin for the first time. A lovely time was had by all.

Hanukkah is happening now, so we're doing the exchange of gifts on Sunday. I'm only like 66% finished, but hopefully I can do what I want to do tomorrow. Though we have our adoption group tomorrow and things will be busy. Things are always busy. Good busy, though.

We're doing a re-fi on our mortgage and that's almost done so I have to face the fact that we need to complete our home study for #2. I'm actually getting outside pressure to do this. I need a deadline, so it's going to be Jan 1. We're going to have all our paperwork for kid #2 complete by Jan 1. We've got to do it. I expect the wait to be a longish one, and even if it's not, it's time for us. At this point I feel like everyone I know either has 2 kids or has one with another one on the way, so I guess I have to get in that line.

This decision feels really different this time. Less monumental, I guess. Being a mom I guess changes my perspective on things. I'm not nearly an anxious about it.

H is awesome as ever. He's getting really strong willed and opinionated. He's still only saying, "Nononono!" but he understands everything we say. I sent off an email to CC and O. after his 15 month checkup (25 lbs! 16 teeth!) but didn't hear anything back.

A family friend at Thanksgiving told me that she thinks her son and his wife are considering adoption and were asking about me and T and H. I again said something about how adoptive parenting is different than bio parenting and felt like I was being judged... like I was saying my son is less than or something. This bothers me. I need to figure out how to better express what I mean when I'm saying this. How do you say "not the same" but not mean "less than"? I need a better choice of words or something. I'm finding this frustrating.

Here is my little man sleeping in the car with his balloon. He loves balloons. He was clutching it and staring at it with so much love as he fell asleep.

But I still have limits

I really meant it when I said I don't get upset seeing pregnant people around and I'm feeling like I've closed the chapter of thinking about having a biological child.

That being said, today I overheard too many conversations about fertile people's fertility. And it bugged me.

Really, I don't need to hear how you didn't know it was more difficult to get pregnant while breastfeeding because you got pregnant very easily the first month after you got your period for the first time while still breastfeeding.

I also don't need to hear the pregnant woman talk about her second thoughts on having a second child.

I'm doing better, but I still have limits, thankyouverymuch.

Getting over it

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

Halloween!

Strangers

Today, at the play area at the mall, someone told me how much my son looks like me.

I simply said, "Thanks."

It was weird.

Just interesting

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.

CC called

Out of nowhere, CC called me. I missed the call, but I called back. I wasn't sure it was her when I was calling back, but it was and I talked to her on the phone.

They moved and the packages we sent didn't get to her. The agency mailed them to her, but she never received them. She said she'd send me her address and I'd resend them. She said she got our emails, etc.

It wasn't weird talking to her, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She sounded good and happy. Good things seem to be happening in their lives. They've had a bunch of not so great things happen, but they seem to be going okay.

I told her how well H was doing. We talked for about half an hour. I was walking home from H's music class. I didn't block our 'real' number so I think she has our last name and my real phone number now. (We originally gave her a forwarded number to her.)

It was nice to hear from them. We had been worried about them. I feel really badly that they hadn't received the last updates. She was bummed too.

I like that we can talk to them. I'm not sure what our open relationship is really going to be like. I am certain I want to communicate with them regularly, but I'm not certain what that communication is going to look like. I don't like unpredictable things, so that part of this makes me nervous. But It really was a relief to hear from them and that things are going pretty well.

I decided to post

I'm still here. Things are fine. Busy. We totally haven't unpacked. Henry has started walking! I can't believe it, still. It's so cute. He giggles every time he walks from the novelty of it all. It's amazing how much he improves every day. He keeps me very, very busy as he is the definition of an active toddler. He is still really good, but because he was such an easy baby it is quite a change for me to have to attend to him so much. He's still pretty good at playing by himself, but he definitely needs a lot more of my attention than he used to.



I guess now that we've moved we need to starting thinking about the paperwork for #2. I'm still so overwhelmed by readying this house for living that paperwork seems insane, but I don't want to wait too long before starting because I'm sure it's going to be a long wait.

I'm thinking of getting a part time job and having Henry go to daycare a couple times a week. I haven't done anything about it except look at job listings, but I'm thinking about it. I haven't started looking at daycare options yet either, but I think I want to wait until he is 15 months old, so I still have 2 months.

We love the new house and don't miss the old one at all. Well, the one thing I miss is the HUGE garage we used to have. This one is kind of small and cramped. But that seems a tiny, little thing in the grand scheme of things so I'm not complaining. It's weird getting used to being in the quiet suburbs, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. There are lots of nice people and other moms at home on my street, so that's really nice. I'm taking Henry to music class once a week. We've only gone once, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

I'm at a loss about what to say here. I've lost my blogging mojo, I guess. I'm not even sure anyone really reads my blog much anymore, but if there's something I'm leaving out, let me know. I hope everyone is doing well.

Moved

One week ago I woke up for the first time in our new house.

Things are going well. Moving day was hell, but things are better now. Sure, we're mostly living out of boxes but that's okay. My mom came on Saturday and we did the kitchen, so at least I can cook. We're slowly getting things together so that we can live here. Henry's room is mostly unpacked. It's still pretty crazy, though. Henry is SO lively that it's really difficult to get anything done. I was able to cook a little bit by gating Henry in the kitchen while I made a quick meal and I was so proud of myself. He's into EVERYTHING and he's constantly going somewhere and putting everything in his mouth that I can't even leave him for a second right now. Plus, when I put him in a playpen he cries and cries to get out. My easy baby is no more.

Of course, he's still a pretty happy kid and he still sleeps really well so that helps a lot. It just that for me, infancy with Henry was SO MUCH easier than toddler-hood is going to be. I guess that's different for many parents, but not so much here. I'm hoping there's a point where he becomes interested in toys again instead of playing with the wires that are plugged into the wall and anything else he can get his hands on. At least I have a tupperware cabinet for him in the kitchen and most everything else has safety locks on them.

As I expected, Bdog is having the biggest trouble adjusting to the new house. He's come a long way in a week, and I really think he likes the extra space. He no longer feels totally crowded in every room. However, he WILL NOT go up the stairs. The stairs from the first to the second floor has two landings. The first landing is 3 steps up. He'll lie on that. The second landing is up 4 more steps. He'll go up there, too. But there are 6 steps more to get to the second floor and he WILL NOT go up them. I even got those ugly little stair carpet tread thingies to no avail. I've tried forcing him and he growls. I've tried coaxing him with his favorite treats. He will not come upstairs.

So, starting anywhere from 4:45 am and 5:45 am he starts whining. We sleep on the third floor so I have to walk down a flight of stairs for him to see me and for me to shush him. Also, the cat has been howling starting at 4:30 most of the time. So I've been getting up REALLY early lately.

But otherwise, things are really good.

Burst

I've been reading my blog posts from a year ago. It's weird to relive that time. I'm glad I have a record of it here.

Sometimes when I think about Henry I feel like my heart might just burst because it is so filled with love for him.


We're moving the day after tomorrow. It's kinda freaking me out