Visit

Expectant mom, N, wants to meet us in person. So T and I are planning on making a quick trip down to FL to meet her and expectant dad, B, this weekend.

Ack!

This shorter wait with an expectant mom who likes contact is SO MUCH DIFFERENT than our previous failed match. It feels like we should have known it wouldn't work out the last time. But I guess you never know anything for sure and hindsight is 20/20.

So the plan is to leave Henry with my parents and fly down and back quickly and meet them. I'm nervous, but I've spoken to both of them on the phone, so it's a little less nerve wracking. She really is very sweet and I can tell she really wants to love us.

Things are getting very real, very quickly.

Matched.

The paperwork goes off tomorrow. I was invited into the delivery room for the birth. We have been talking daily.

We are matched.

Baby girl is due on February 28. That is three months away.

Possibly matched

The expectant mom liked our profile. We spoke on the phone last night. We liked her. There is something about her that reminds us of CC. They are both very straight forward and don't hide anything. She invited me to the birth.

Wow.

There are a few extra risks and chances with this match that we ordinarily might not want to take, but it's kind of feeling like this might be the right match for us.

We really feel we had the right match with Henry's birth parents. If we get that feeling now, we should listen.

I'm surprisingly calm about this right now. No paperwork has been signed yet, but this may in fact be a match.

!!!!!

Showing our profile

We are having our profile shown to some expectant parents. It's a girl due at the end of February.

As with all these situations, there are some complexities to this situation, but we have decided we think the risks are worth it. If we are chosen, we can hopefully resolve a few of the question marks before the baby is born to ensure this is the right situation for us.

I am feeling anxious about it. I will not let myself be excited or hopeful.

-------

As a side note, Henry's behavior has improved enough lately thanks to some therapies, glasses and some suggestions from friends around food, that I have found myself once again hoping a baby would enter into our lives before Henry grows too much older.

Here's to whatever.

-------
Here's Henry on Halloween with his new glasses. In case you wondered, he was a "puzzle bug." (His invention.)

School Troubles

Henry has been having real trouble in school. He was asked to reduce the number of days he attends because other parents are complaining about his behavior and he is disrupting the entire class.

This morning when I dropped him off, we talked about making good choices. He should do 2 things.

1) Listen to the teachers
2) Keep his hands to himself

As he talked about making good choices at school while we were still in the car, his eyes started to well up with tears.

This is the first time I've seen signs from him that he wants to make good choices but is having a difficult time doing so. I asked him if it was difficult and he said no. I was hoping he might say yes, but he could just be afraid to say that.

I ask him all the time how we can help him make good choices, but he always says he doesn't know.

My poor boy is really struggling and I don't know how to help him. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. He is truly a wonderful kid. He is doing great in the integrated special ed school. This school where he is having trouble is just not set up for a kid like him.

I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do.

Still waiting for the glasses to come in.

We haven't filled out the paperwork for the new adoption attorney. I just don't have time with all that is going on with Henry.

I am exhausted.

Glasses

Just got back from the opthomologist. H needs glasses. He has Amblyopia. He's essentially blind in his right eye. He needs glasses and partial patching. 

I am stunned. I had no idea. 

Better morning

He had a better morning. I am going to check out the book recommended. He is too young for an ADD/ADHD diagnosis, but he has an IEP and goes to the integrated preschool with Speech Therapy and Functional Behavior therapy and I take him to OT.

I guess I'm going to try this diet thing to see if I can find out anything. I'm a little scared of it, but my MIL mentioned we should try it a while back.

Non compliant

Some days, like today, I truly believe it was a blessing in disguise that our adoption fell through. I don't think I could handle H and an infant. He generally won't do anything he is asked to do. It is not just me. It's his aunts and uncles, his friend parents, his teachers, his grandparents, everyone.

He is currently having a tantrum about taking a shower. Everything with him is a power struggle. Nothing is more important to him than winning or getting his way. 

No one has really been able to help. The behavioral person the Schools sent over just recommended sticker charts. Those worked for a few weeks, but he has lost interest. Nothing seems to motivate him to do as I ask. Not candy, not the iPad, not TV. 

It is incredibly difficult to parent a child like this. I feel like I have no control. I cannot get places on time. I am constantly feeling like I'm going to cry. I yell. I resent... I don't know what I resent, but I resent something. I am so angry. I need help but I feel like I can't find it. 

Sometimes, like today, I feel like I don't know what I'm going to do.

More searching

I called a new attorney in FL to expand our search. It's more money on top of all the money we lost on our failed match. But as my husband says, it's just money and we are very lucky that we can do this without jeopardizing our financial security.

I am so tired of waiting and getting older. I fear that H and his sibling will be too far apart in age to enjoy each other.

I want this all to have happened yesterday. I am impatient.

So, we will throw more money at this problem and hope that it settles quickly. But just calling this new attorney sent me to tears. I hope I can do this.

On the inside

On the outside, I am doing fine.

On hold

T and I have decided to put this whole embryo donation thing on hold. Our west coast donors haven't been responsive. I don't have a strong desire to be pregnant. Things are crazy busy. We are hopeful a traditional adoption will come through within the next year. For now we are putting the embryo donation process on hold.

Sad again

This episode has made me sad again. I am so ready for a baby *right now* that I'm just not sure how to proceed.  I have no particular interest in experiencing pregnancy. I am much more interested in expediency. I'm just not sure which route will be faster.

I mean, if we do this embryo donation thing, which I'm not even sure is likely because the potential west coast donor has not been particularly communicative with us unless we're being really forward, then it's going to be a year before a baby. Without question.

If we just wait, there is the possibility that a baby could come sooner. But it's also possible it would take even longer than a year.

All I know is that this really sucks and I'm sad. And the check engine light on my car came on this morning and I'm kind of pissed about it. And I still miss my dog a lot (even though I have to admit life is much easier without him here). But I just miss him.

I feel so lonely all of the time. Staying at home can be such a challenge sometimes because I am extremely extroverted, and talking with other adults helps me unwind and relax. I don't get to do that particularly often. I find myself jealous when people post on "Face Space" that they have a meeting. Meetings suck -- I remember well -- but I just wish I could be in a room with adults only for an hour and talk about something that doesn't involve going to the bathroom or making a mess.

Hoo boy, I am a mess right now. And I don't even have PMS.

Blah.

Not happening

I just heard from the adoption agency. The expectant mom is no longer returning their phone calls. This whole thing was possibly a ruse to do something about the relationship between expectant mom and expectant dad.

Sigh.

Oh well.

We cancelled a bunch of embryo donation meetings in the hope that this thing might work out. Now I am again re-thinking the whole embryo donation thing.

I am so confused about what to do next.

And another thing

Just got a call from the adoption agency about an expectant mom with a baby due in two weeks.

There is virtually no information, but we are potentially interested. We are awaiting more medical information about mom and baby.

This is crazy. I have no idea where this is going to go. My head is spinning. I'm not sure whether or not to be excited.

But we are going to be presented to an expectant mom who is due very soon. Not having a long match would be so ideal at this point.

We will see where this wave takes us.

Sent

I just sent an email to the west coast people asking if they think they would move forward with us. I feel like I am in limbo and I can't stand it. I hope I wasn't too pushy. We hadn't heard from them in a while and I'm PMSy and not in a good place today and I felt like I had to do something.

We have a meeting with a lawyer next week and a social worker regarding using donor gametes and my cycle is going to come to an end and I want to know if we might be committed to this.

If they don't want to donate to us that's fine, but I just want to KNOW.

So, I sent the email. I had T read it and he thought it was well written and not too pushy but asking to move forward. And as he said, if this email makes them not want to donate to us then they probably weren't the right match to begin with.

I just want to *do* something.

And then there was one

I just got an email from the local embryo donor possibility. She used donor gametes and her contract with the donor states she cannot donate them to another person for birthing. So, now I have to hope the west coast people want to donate to us.

I have to admit I am thrown for a loop and sad.

But now we don't have to make a decision. The decision will be made for us.

I hope the west coast people choose us. I hope I want them. They seem kind of high maintenance, but maybe that's just me.  We talked to them via skype this past weekend and I truly liked them as people.

I'm back to freaking out about this. But I guess I can cancel my appointment with the RE where the local embryos were stored.

Decisions

How do I go about making these decisions?

I'm not even sure the west coast people want to give us the embryos. They are highly committed to a very open relationship. We are fine with that, but it will definitely be some work.  Their embryos are older, but are frozen in separate straws and there are five.

The other person would definitely give her embryos to us. There are only three of them and I believe they are all in one straw. But they are much newer and I could have the FET at the original clinic where they were frozen.

I still have a million more appointments at clinics and my HSG tomorrow and I have to find a lawyer. But we don't really know how to decide.

Another Nibble

I just got an email from someone else who is interested in donating embryos to us. They are local. The other nibble is all the way on the west coast.

The west coast people had been matched and rejected previously.

But it would be SO MUCH EASIER to do it locally.

Ack. We haven't had an "official" match with the west coast couple but I would hate for them to feel abandoned again.

But if we could go ahead with a local donation, we could possibly do a cycle sooner.

Yikes. I didn't anticipate this being an issue.

Nibble

I had planned to write a post this morning about how I knew it was going to be difficult to find an embryo but I had greatly underestimated how difficult it would in fact be. Finding a donated embryo is really a challenge.  But I got a nibble this morning.

No match has been made, but there is someone who just may be interested in donating embryos to us. Nothing for sure. Trying to not keep my hopes up too high. And of course, the FET could be a failure and all of this will have been for naught.

But we will see where this goes.

My god going back into a fertility clinic sucks.

I'm doing day 3 & 10 blood testing and an HSG again.  Hurray. (NOT)

I talk to my mom every morning. When I talk to her, I try not to sound too sad, but inevitably she says, "You sound sad." I am sad. I tell her I am sad. I will be sad for a while. I am okay, but I am sad.

I know she loves me and she doesn't want me to be sad. Being a parent makes me understand this more than I used to. But I need room to be sad. It's completely appropriate for me to be sad. I am allowed. It's only been a couple of weeks since all of this happened. Just let me be sad.

I ran in to a friend of a friend the other day. She asked how I was. I was honest. She lost her husband about 10 years ago, way too young and with a young child. How devastated she must have been. I can only imagine. But she is remarried and has a second child with her new husband. Seeing her doing well was a little helpful. She had a great, sudden loss but she has been able to move on. That has been the most helpful thing for me so far.

I have the appointment with the RE this afternoon. I still haven't looked for some embryos. I guess I want a kind of a timeline and a cost estimate first. Part of me really doesn't want to do this. I think I'm sort of hoping a baby materializes out of nowhere and then I won't have to go do this. But I have this sneaking suspicion that won't happen and we will try this. I am very hesitant, but just waiting and doing nothing feels awful right now. Either way, a baby a year from now is probably the quickest thing.

How did you start healing from your personal tragedies?

Trying new things

Over the long weekend T and I implemented a new chart system for Henry and it started off really well. His behavior got SO MUCH better. It's only been a couple of days and we've had some rocky times, but we are going to continue with this new system.

Henry is very difficult to motivate. Sometimes he cares about pleasing and about getting stickers, but sometimes he truly does not. This makes consistency difficult.

T also made me find a new therapist. I loved my old therapist but I think it's time for me to find a new one. I haven't seen the old one for a while and I love her and would recommend her to anyone and everyone, I just feel the need to move on. I found a new one and she had a cancellation today. I will be leaving to meet her shortly.

We have an appointment with an RE on Friday to talk about a donor embryo cycle. I guess I need to find some donor embryos. I guess we might try this? I haven't really done much about searching for embryos yet. I suppose I will figure it out next week after this appointment.

I really miss my dog. A lot. I think having a baby would have distracted me more from the dog being gone, but since there is no baby and there is no dog, I am lonely. Henry is going to school during the summer part time and I am here, trying to get things done, alone in my house.

I feel empty inside.

I am getting through my days and getting things done. I talk to people and I act fine. But when I am alone in my house or in my bed trying to sleep, all I can do is cry.

I hope I can find some comfort somewhere.

Losing it

I feel like I am losing my shit.

All this emotion is really hitting me hard right now. I think I am PMS-y which makes it worse. Henry's behavior has gone downhill and he is being really challenging right now.

My job is to parent my son and I feel like I am failing at it right now.

I feel like I have lost control of him. I don't know if he's feeling all the emotions from the past couple of weeks and he is acting out because of it. He has been having behavior issues all along and we've recently been getting some more interventions. He switched schools for the summer so maybe it's just all the changes that have been going on lately, but he has been so much worse and so out of control.

I am lost in a sea of misery right now.

Discussion

So, the director of our adoption agency called yesterday. She felt really bad about the adoption falling through and told me she is going to make a few phone calls on our behalf and has put us at the top of her priority list in terms of finding a match. I thought that was really nice.

All things being equal, I think I'd rather an adoption match work out. I will explore embryo donation, and I would do it too, but the idea of going back to the RE and the IVF operating rooms just freaks me out. Also, as someone who has come to terms with never gestating a live child, to go back is really difficult emotionally. Some people might be super excited at the prospect, I suppose, but I guess I had just completely given up on it that the idea of going back to hoping is just terrifying.

We want to do whatever is fastest, so I guess for now we are technically going down both roads. I have no idea what is going to happen.

On board

T is on board with exploring the donated embryo option. His biggest concern is FET success rates. They seem to be under 40%, even with donor gametes.

I'm not sure I could do more than one try, but I kind of want to try it just the once.

I'm trying to schedule some consults to see if we can get things ironed out.

I never thought this would happen.

So

So now that this match failed, it's got me thinking about embryo adoption again. Sigh. Not sure that it's what we're going to to, but I've found myself googling and emailing about it.

I don't think T is on board with it, especially given the nature of the embryo donation agencies. But it's a tiny thought in the back of my mind now.

We are back active on the list with the attorney in FL.

Not great

I feel like my family has been ripped apart. I am empty inside. I miss my dog. It's difficult to walk by the empty room with the baby stuff in it. I want to scream, but I don't know what I want to say.

I am sad.

My  life looked so different last week.

There will be no baby

She decided to parent.

All I can think is, "I should have known."

I don't know how I am going to make Henry understand this.

Goodbye B-dog

I love my dog a lot. I have been crying a lot for the last several days. But today is the day we say goodbye to our beloved greyhound.

We loved him and he loved us. Our house is just not the right fit for him.

I kind of feel like I did him a disservice by bringing him here at all. He should have gone to another family from the beginning. We were matched with Henry only 3 months after we brought B-dog home and had we known we were bringing home a baby so quickly, we never would have got a dog.

But we got him and he came into our hearts. He's a pain in the butt, but we really love him.

It is difficult to explain to Henry that B-dog is going to live with another family. It is tough for him to understand.

My greatest fear is Henry will think we would do the same thing with him.

I talked to the social worker and K is 3 cm dilated, so she could go into labor any time now.

All of this is a lot of change for my little Henry and I am concerned about what his behavior is going to be like. He is not an easy kid to begin with, and all of this turmoil of losing his dog and becoming a big brother is going to be completely overwhelming to him.

And despite how sad I am about B-dog, I can only imagine what K is going through right now. What I am feeling about B-dog can't even match 1% of the emotion that first parents must feel.

It's an emotional time here at our house. We will get through it and things will get better, but right now we are stuck in an emotional sink hole.

I have to believe that dogs are adaptable and B-dog will find a family without small children that will love him well.

We will miss you, dogger.

On Top of Everything Else....

B-dog bit Henry in the face this morning. Henry is fine. We took him to the ER and he got 3 stitches on his cheek.

We have decided that we will have to send B-dog back to the rescue where we got him. We want everyone to be safe. But because he bit someone, he technically has to be in quarantine for 10 days, and that's supposed to be in the town where the incident occurred. In 10 days we will most likely be in FL, and I don't want this to happen again between now and then (though it is unlikely, I think.) I hate for it to drag on like this.

This has been a really horrible day.

I am feeling really sad about this decision, but know it is the right one.

We are doing ok. 

One week

There is one week left until the baby's due date.

I just spoke with the social worker. K is still committed to the adoption. But she knows how difficult it is going to be. My heart is breaking for her already. She doesn't want to meet us or see us in the hospital or anything. She wants to have the baby, see him once and then leave the hospital and try to move on.

I am in a very sad place around all of this. I know adoption is difficult, and I remember clearly how difficult it was to leave the hospital with Henry and watch CC and O. drive off without him. My heart broke in that moment and I do carry that around with me. My heart is already breaking for K.

So, even though the baby is due in a week, we probably won't fly down to go to him until after the consent forms are signed.

Most likely he will go in the NICU because of the meth@d0ne, though it isn't guaranteed. We have no idea how long he might be in there.

I just wish I could plan around this. Things are crazy at T's work and I don't know how to deal with a very active almost 4 year old while waiting around for his newborn brother. My parents want to come down with us, but I don't want them to know about the meth@d0ne.

I am feeling stressed and ready and sad.

Waiting game commence.

Parenting is hard

I'm usually pretty patient, but I lost it. I really, really yelled. My throat hurts. But he goads me and hits me and pushes me and he doesn't listen, and I just lose it.

There are some days, like yesterday, where I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with Henry and a newborn.  He has some real behavior issues.

I had him evaluated through the public school system in our town and they determined he needed some extra services. He has pretty poor social skills and some anger management issues. There is an integrated preschool at an elementary school where he can get some extra services. The thing is, though, that it is only three mornings a week during the summer. I had previously signed him up for a school that was 5 days a week from 9-3. That way I knew I would be able to handle him and a new baby. But we think it's really important that he go to this school because we really need some help dealing with him.

So, we could send him to the summer program I originally signed him up for, but then he wouldn't be getting the extra services. We could start the new school in the fall.

In the fall, he would go in the afternoons. I'm hoping to send him, in the morning, to the school where he goes now. The thing about that is, I have this fear that he's going to be asked to not come back to his current school.  It seems that Henry takes about 90% of the teacher's time in the classroom. He is disruptive, destructive and doesn't listen. (He is like that at home, too.)

I guess I have to hold judgement until I know for sure about the fall.  Meantime, I have to figure out something for the summer. I'm hoping maybe he can go to the place he went last summer for 2 days and then I'd just have to be concerned about the afternoons for 3 days. I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for some of them, and then my mom can help.

Parenting is so hard, and Henry is really a difficult kid to parent. We are trying. I try really hard and am pretty good about being patient, but tonight I just lost it and I feel horrible.

5 Weeks?

So, it's getting closer. I am starting to realize that this could happen anytime now, really. I just dug out the newborn and 0-3 month clothing from when Henry was a baby. It's so tiny. Was he ever so tiny? I'm going to have a tiny baby in my house?

I was up from 3am-4am worrying about logistics.

Still not sure what we're going to do if the baby has to be hospitalized for 4 or weeks. I guess I'm going to fly back and forth a lot or something. Maybe my mom can watch Henry. We'll just have to figure it out as it goes.

My family does NOT know of the hospitalization risk or of the M.eth.a.do.ne exposure. Trying to keep it that way. Not sure how to explain it if it happens, but I just don't want that information hanging over this child.

Freaking out a bit. We're going to get the room ready before he comes back this time. We've told WAY more people than last time. It's more difficult when you're already parenting to keep this a secret.

Henry is so excited to be a big brother. I hope he stays that way. I think he's already regressing a little bit. He's making me carry him all the time now.

We're going to buy an infant car seat this week.

Yikes. So excited and so scared.

Two months left

Two months until K's due date. We have been telling Henry that he is going to be getting a brother. This morning he asked me, "Why isn't my brother here yet?" Perhaps we told him too early. He is clearly thinking about what it will mean.

He's asking about where his brother is now. I told him he is in his birth mom's uterus. Then I asked him whose uterus he grew in. He said me. This is the first time he has said that. But I said no, that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I asked him again and he said CC's name. He is clearly thinking about things.

I am starting to feel anxious, but I also just want this wait to be over.

I am assuming that the baby will need to stay in the NICU for a month (which is pretty much worst case scenario) and I just don't know how we will handle that. I have kept the maintenance method of the expectant mom to myself, not letting the family know. I don't know how I will keep it from my parents if they come to FL when the baby is born to help care for Henry.

But this wait is so difficult. I am emotionally prepping the best I can, but we have been matched for a long time now. I hope I didn't make a mistake telling Henry. Not sure how to explain if K changes her mind.

But things are still moving forward. We have two months until the baby is due.

Yikes.

Potty trained!

It's been a long winter. Henry had pneumonia twice. He was really, really sick and had been in school for only 3 out of the last 15 weeks due to school vacations and illness. It's been a rough time for us, though he is doing much better now. He is on a nebulizer for another month to try and avoid another bout of pneumonia if he gets another cold. He had 105 in the doctor's office. It was bad. Thank goodness he's better.

We were just in FL for a week. My mom hurt her back so it was good that I was there to help her. It wasn't the most fun vacation, but I was able to relax and knit a lot, and it was good to get away.

The best thing that happened is that H is potty trained! So pleased to not have to change diapers any more! He is doing a great job and I am very proud of him. He's even been dry a few nights. He was afraid of potties that were not his frog potty for a while (the one from T@rget) but I have a potty seat and he has adjusted. He is doing so great, I am so proud.

Got an update from expectant mom K's social worker. Things are looking good and normal. She's 25 weeks along now. I asked for confirmation on the sex of the baby, but at the last ultrasound the baby was curled up so tight they couldn't see and do all the required measurements, so she has to go back next week to complete the testing. But everything seems to be looking good for her health and the baby's health so far. The social worker says she still seems committed to the adoption plan. She still wants it to be completely closed.

We're still just waiting. We are talking to Henry a little bit in the abstract about "when" he is going to be a big brother. He mentions it in passing sometimes.

The due date is really only 3 months away.

Here's hoping H stays healthy and is able to go to school consistently. We both really need it.

Information

We got some more health information about K. She is currently 16w6d along, meaning her due date is at the end of June. (We had originally been told the end of May.) She made it to her most recent doctor's appointment, which is good, since she had previously missed a couple. She is going to a perinatalogist due to her meth@d0ne treatment.

Feeling a little better about the sex of the baby. We've been talking names already, which might be dangerous. But we think we have one.

Henry has been sick a bunch and all the time I keep thinking that I'm glad I don't have to deal with an infant while dealing with all of this stuff. But I do want another infant. Sometimes I get scared of how much work it will be, but I still know this is what I want. I hope I am able to be flexible so that H can get all the activity he needs while the baby can still nap. I usually pick H up from school at 2pm. Will I not be able to do that next year?

The end of June seems a long, long way away. H will be done with school (and hopefully in some sort of summer program). My parents will have gone to Florida for two months and come back. I will have hosted our family Passover seder at our house. I will have turned 41.

But it will come and whether or not we bring that baby home, our lives will be forever changed.

More info

We got a call from the social worker who is working with K. We found out the baby is a boy. We also found out that she is possibly one month less pregnant than she originally thought.

So, to me, this is significant. Is the baby measuring really small and therefore not healthy? Or is paternity different from what she had originally reported?

This seems even more complicated than before.

Also, I'm feeling guilty that I am the tiniest bit disappointed that it's a boy. I would have loved to have a daughter too. I mean, I'm not so disappointed that I would ever change my mind about the match over the sex of the baby or anything. I really just want a healthy child. But I have to admit that I was a little bit hoping to have one of each. I feel terrible about that.

On a happier note, the social worker talked to K about openness and why it is good, and it seems she is thinking about accepting a little bit of openness. This definitely pleases me. I would like to have a little bit of openness in both of our adoptions.