Not much

Nothing is going on.

I have to work on renewing our homestudy and sending an application off to the agency in FL, but I've done none of it. Perhaps I can try to do that this weekend.

I played hooky today and "worked from home." I did check in at work, but I have so little work to do that it literally makes no difference if I take an entire day off. I don't have enough work to do and just procrastinate most of the day. I wish I could find work fulfilling, but I truly do not. T isn't enjoying his job much these days, either. It sucks when work doesn't do anything for you and you aren't able to have the family you want to fill the void.

Things with the dog are pretty good. He's really good except for in the mornings. I wake myself up at about 4:30 every morning, and he's sometimes up already or I can't fall asleep because I'm listening for him. He's been barking by 5:15 or 5:30 and I'm trying to get him to quit that habit. If he was quiet until 6, I'm not even sure I could sleep until then anymore. Needless to say, I walk around exhausted all the time.

It's been raining for weeks and has finally cleared up, but now it's hot and humid. MIL is coming to town in about 2 weeks. Hopefully we'll take her to Martha's Vineyard for an overnight, but we have to figure out if the dog will come with us or we can board him somewhere.

We're having some people come over to give us quotes regarding fixing up the yard and adding the fourth fence so B-dog can run around in the yard off-leash.

I worry that I won't be able to handle both the dog and a baby, but T tells me to stop worrying about it. I guess I am the type that always needs something to worry about. I can't simply be happy. That seems pretty lame.

Maybe I'll try to upload our book now that I'm not doing anything.

Here's a pic of T & Me from my parents' anniversary dinner.

50th

Today is my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. They don't know about this blog, but it's too big of a deal to not mention.

Here is a picture of my mother, my brothers and me when my mother was about the same age as I am now -- probably a year or so younger, actually. My dad was most likely taking the picture and that is why he's not in there.


Would you say I'm around 2 in this picture? Maybe a little younger? If so, my brother S on the left is about 10 and my other brother J in the middle is about 13. My mom would be about 36. I think it's funny that my brothers look like they're paying such attention to me. S looks especially amused by me.

I just can't believe my parents have been married for 50 years. I mean, can you imagine? I know I certainly can't. If T and I are to make it to our 50th, we will both be well into our 80s.

Isn't life funny? What was it that John Lennon said? Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?

hair cut

I feel free.

Relaxing

This morning T and I are relaxing. T got up and walked Bdog while I napped. They came home and I fed the dog. We're reading and playing and mellowing out while drinking coffee. I feel like I should get up and go, but really I don't need to. Sometimes I'm terrible at relaxing. I'm trying.

Tonight we're doing a game night with some friends and tomorrow morning we're going to walk Bdog with a bunch of other greyhounds. Hopefully I'll have some good pictures. I'll leave you with these.

Think he's making himself at home?

not broken

I didn't break my hand. I did decide to go for an x-ray. It's actually doing a lot better today, though it is bruised, cut and swollen.

Took the dog out and 3 minutes later it started to rain. Walked him for a while, stood under a tree for a while, and walked back to the house. As soon as we were home it stopped raining. It hasn't rained again since.

Adoption agency called to make sure we have our fingerprint paperwork for our home study renewal. We do. Are we supposed to have someone fingerprint us? Do we just go to the police station and ask them to do it? T and I are getting all up-in-arms again about how much we have to go through to be parents when some people just get drunk and forget to use a condom.

Looking forward to the weekend. Doing a game night on Saturday and then Sunday we're going to take B-dog on a walk with other greyhounds. We met one on our walk this morning and seeing another greyhound made him so happy.

bad night

I was happy to grill for the first time. In my excitement with the grilling I was running into the house and I slammed my left hand on the outdoor banister and I gouged my knuckle and my hand really hurts.

Then B-dog was acting funny - pacing around and walking in circles without stopping. We noted he was acting funny but didn't know why. There was a lot of dog activity across the street so we thought it was that. Then he peed in the kitchen.

He's never peed in the house before. In retrospect, that's why he was pacing around and acting so funny. Now we now. But we have a set walk schedule and I'm not sure why he couldn't stick to it today. Now I'm worried about leaving him all day tomorrow.

I can't type because my hand hurts too much from hitting it.

Tonight sucked.

Strawberries

Strawberries from our back yard. Yum.

feeling like crap

Maybe it's PMS, but I'm feeling like crap lately. I'm sad all the time again. Every time I login to F@ceb00k I see pictures of children. Some babies, but mostly toddlers and older. These are all my high school friends.

I'm just exhausted. I feel like this is never going to happen and that none of this is worth it. My job is going crappy. I mean, I do a fine job, but there's mostly not enough work and my boss really, really sucks.

I love the dog, and I would be so much worse without him. He's probably the reason I can keep going these days. But everything just feels like it sucks completely.

T isn't happy with his job, mine is unfulfilling and all we do is just get older.

I'm having a bad week. Everywhere I turn it's all about children and babies. I can't even read the fucking comics without a family being involved. I feel like I can't do anything without being reminded of our situation.

Thank goodness for this:

paperwork

Got a big package in the mail today. It stated our home study was going to expire soon and told us to fill out all of the paperwork.

Our home study expires in October.

We didn't get notified of being approved until December.

Why do they crunch time together like this. It's only been 6 months mentally.

This isn't the best week.

No excitment here

There's nothing going on. Absolutely nothing. B-dog is definitely keeping us busy. He's definitely helped my mood a lot. He's a delightful dog and taking care of him has really taken my mind off the waiting and the other bad stuff. Adding him to our family has been great so far, and his adjustment has been speedy. He is doing really well.

We still haven't sent our application off to the second agency. We need to have new copies of our book printed up. We're working on that and we have to get it off soon. We're still just spinning our wheels here with our wait.

A co-worker was supposed to come and get our fish and fish tank as I don't want it any more. I don't take proper care of our fish, so I figured I'd give them to someone who would. This is our second try for him to come pick them up and it looks like he's a no-show again. He won't be getting another chance. I hate it when people say they'll do something and then simply don't show up without calling and saying they can't make it. Fine if he can't come, but he has my phone number. I don't have his.

Tonight is my niece's 10th birthday party. I think we're going to bring B-dog along. We'll see how that goes. Since it's Sunday night, we shouldn't be there for more than a few hours, so I think it should be okay. We brought him there once before, but that was before he was so comfortable with us. I want to socialize him so I think it's a good thing to bring him.

Nothing else doing. My job is just eh. I think about staying home all the time now. That's not too good, but it is what it is. It's not that bad -- it's just not good.

One day keeps following another. That's how it is.

upstairs

B-dog can officially go up and down the stairs by himself. It's still quite awkward, but he can do it.

Had someone over the house today and he growled a little at her when she tried to give him treats or talk to him. Didn't like that much. He was in his bed, so at first I thought it was a bed thing but when he got up off his bed and she tried, he still growled.

This surprised me since I can interrupt him from eating without a problem and can sit in his bed space without any reaction.

I need to get him to training classes ASAP it seems. I need to know how to curb this as I want E&R to come over with little S to meet B-dog. But I don't want to do that if B-dog is growling at people he doesn't know.

I've felt so optimistic because B-dog has been so docile with us that when we suddenly bring a baby back with us it shouldn't be a problem, and now my nervousness has increased.

Man, I knew I was an over worrier before, but I have gone out of control with the worrying lately. I always thought I'd be okay with a baby, but now I'm starting to think that I'm going to make myself crazy when something finally happens.

I'm thinking of going to the store and picking up some flowers and playing in the garden.

Weekend goals

Our goal this weekend is to get B-dog to walk up and down the stairs by himself without coaxing. Last night it took him about 5 minutes to walk up the one flight for the first time. He was scared, but so happy to sleep in our bedroom.

I leave you with pictures of sleeping animals.

Disconnected

I'm feeling really disconnected from the world right now. I think part of it is because the people I know are no longer using Face.b00k. Maybe they're using Tw1tter or maybe they're using nothing, but there is not activity on fb for me any more.

I spend a lot of time walking the dog now, which is good for me physically and good for the zen relaxing. But I feel like I don't talk to anybody anymore, except for T. Work is pretty unfulfilling and I generally work quietly at my desk for most of the day. Then I come home and walk the dog and don't talk to anybody. And then I wait for T to come home. I definitely talk to him, and I enjoy talking to him, but I need more social interaction than that and I don't feel like I'm getting it.

I need to sign B-dog up for a training class with other dogs. Maybe that will help.

I hate feeling this isolated and disconnected, but that's where I am right now.

Saturday in the Park

This was our day yesterday:

T and I went to the park and walked B-dog around.

It was sunny and cool. He met some other dogs and we met a friend who also has a greyhound. We were pleased with his socializing with other dogs.

He had a checkup with the vet. Then we came home. It was a big day and B-dog needed some rest.

A dog's life

I've settled down from my panic. I didn't know I had that kind of panic in me. Boy-howdy that was nuts. (No, I'm not sure why I just said boy-howdy. It just seems to fit.)

I'm sleeping through the night and B-dog is sleeping through the night. He's learning not to bark so much -- it's much, much better. He's such a good dog and is learning more every day. He's a little bit afraid of traffic - loud noises really. But I coaxed him out of the house with some kibble and it was fine.

I've tried to give him all sorts of treats, but he hasn't really wanted anything but his actual dog food, which is weird.

But he loves to lie on his bed, and the cats are getting more and more used to him. He's a sweetie and a good boy.

I like having him here.

It's my birthday

And I'm doing okay. This dog has distracted me from everything.

Yesterday morning I had a breakdown, though. Since we've got the dog I had been in a panic. I couldn't stop worrying. The cats were very upset and I felt like we threw our lives upside down for selfish reasons by getting this dog. I was completely freaking out. I couldn't sleep and I could barely eat, which isn't like me at all. T was worried beyond belief. I really felt like I couldn't do it. I had a therapy appointment and we talked about all this. I cried for an hour, almost hysterically.

I'm feeling a lot better today. B-dog (I know I put his name in here, but I'm going to call him this on the blog now, just to avoid this blog being found in error -- one mention is fine, but tons might throw off searching) is barking less, and he sat on his bed last night while I made dinner. The cats came downstairs and did some sniffing. There was no growling and they sat on our laps like they usually do. Not sure they'll all be best friends, but things are returning to normal.

B-dog did fine while we were at work. He is so, so happy when we get home. He has a long. long tail and it wags in a circle.

I think it's good that I freaked out, in a way. I mean, it's better for me to have freaked out over a dog than when getting a baby. I know I'm a worry wart, but I did not know that I had this panic inside of me. I do think that it was partially because I feel like I know how to take care of a baby bu I don't know how to care for a dog, and I was worried about combining the two.

Plus, if we're adopting a child, I just think it would be so wrong to give back a dog we adopted. That just doesn't sit right. I just felt like I had made a mistake.

But B-dog is getting used to us, the cats and the house. We are establishing a pattern. This is completely do-able. We're also thinking of getting some pet gates, which could double as baby gates. That way we can keep the dog out yet nearby and still be able to put the baby on the floor.

Anyway, just another day getting used to being dog owners. He's a good boy.

It's going

In general, things with Bistro are going well. He is a bit more of a puppy than we had originally anticipated (he is 3), but if we walk him enough he does well. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow as he seems to really hate his crate, but he's not ready to be left alone out of it yet.

1) He's wearing a cone collar thing to stop him from licking a wound on his leg. He needs it. But it makes him really awkward.

2) The cats are still unsure about him -- especially the girl cat -- and I want them to be able to have free reign of the house and to be able to see him and get used to him with a wall between.

3) Because of his 'puppiness' he needs lots of walks and while we're at work we're not going to be able to walk him nearly as much which means he'll be less tired which means more chewing/wrecking type behaviors.

We've had him 48 hours so far, and he's generally doing great. He definitely has some separation anxiety, but it seems exacerbated by the crate. The first night he slept in the crate and I slept downstairs with him and he barked a lot. Last night we let him sleep downstairs outside of the crate and he did great! He barks sometimes, but he mostly seems to bark when he's in his crate, whether we're home or not.

I am the biggest worry wart in the world. I think this is what I've gotten out of all of this. I'm already thinking of what it will be like to have both a dog and a newborn. You know how you can usually leave a baby on the floor in the car seat? I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. We'll have to put the baby on the table.

I'm insane to be thinking of these things. I'm already worried that I won't be able to handle both the dog and the baby. I thought about this before, but I thought it would be okay. Thousands of people handle both a dog and a baby. Why am I any different from those people?

What is wrong with me!?!?

Welcome home, Bistro

Ready?

I think we're ready. We have our crate, we have a new, huge water bowl which both cats have already used, and I put the cat food behind a door. We have a leash and some food and some treats.

Deep breaths.

This is my last night without a dog.

This might be the coolest birthday present ever. It's my birthday and mother's day in less than a week and I don't feel depressed! We're getting a dog!

PMS and decisions don't mix

The dog should be coming home with us on Friday. I'm happy and excited and nervous. Bringing home a retired greyhound is different from bringing home other dogs and involves a lot of reading. You can have a glimpse, if you like.

And then today the pottery place called to say that someone dropped the class and they have an opening, but now I don't want to take it any more. It's too much. Getting this dog is enough. When I didn't get into the class, I decided to get the dog. I'm much more interested in walking him and training him than taking pottery now. With the responsibilities of helping the dog adjust, I can't picture myself going during open studio time. I feel awful that I don't want to take the class any more, but alas I don't. Am I crazy? I feel crazy.

T and I have picked a name for the dog, but sometimes I think I like it and sometimes I don't. We wanted a name that was related to his racing name. This is (indirectly) related. I liked it a lot at first, but I'm having second thoughts.

We're also getting the stairs carpeted, and I need to do some sanding/cleaning/painting before they do that. I bought the stuff and got goaded into buying some ridiculously expensive paint that I'm now afraid to use.

And we need to dig up the front yard. I did some digging this past weekend, but it's very difficult and takes a long time.

How do people have energy to do things? I just don't get it. And I really don't get how, after working all day, people can come home and be a parent. I'm so cranky right now I could spit.

Oh, and I was walking around the office and the pregnant lady came out of an office and my former boss who I was walking with started talking about the baby (who though yet unborn she already called by name) and my boss started rubbing this woman's belly and they started talking about a baby pool for when the baby is going to be born and I did not know how to extricate myself. I was standing there freaking out, wanting to bolt but wanting to make an excuse. I tried to smile and say, "See ya!" and walk off and I think that's what I did, but I'm not sure. I can't even remember how it ended because I was so panicked.

PMS sucks.

I wish I could feel confident in t

Dog Show and Tell

It's not final yet, and we're not 100% sure we can bring him home, but right now we have our eye on this guy.

Genetics, children and the news

I found the craziest story on the web. You just have to read it. The subtitle is "Two Women Don't Match their Kids DNA -- It's a Medical Mystery" And granted, it is somewhat of an odd situation. Apparently different tissues in their bodies have different DNA -- their blood DNA didn't match the DNA of, for one woman, her thyroid. It's a very rare medical condition they call "chimerism."
However, the issue that I have with this story is this came up in one woman's life because she needed financial assistance from the state and she had to "prove" the children were "hers" via a DNA test. To quote from the article:

"As I sat down, they came up and shut the door, and they just went back and just started drilling me with questions like, 'Who are you?'" Fairchild said. The DNA test results challenged everything she knew about her family. Yes, her boyfriend was the father of the children, and, yes, they were all related, according to the DNA, except for Fairchild. She was told she wasn't the mother.

That's just fucked up. It continues:

Fairchild was not only denied government assistance for her young children, she was now suspected of possibly acting as a paid surrogate mother and committing welfare fraud. She was in danger of having her kids taken away for good. Fairchild said before she left, the social worker told her, "You know, we're able to come get your kids at any time." Fairchild began to panic. She knew they were her kids. So she rushed home to search for photos of her pregnancy and found her children's birth certificates. She told her parents, who couldn't believe the test results.

You just have to read this. I don't know what state this woman lives in, but it frightens me. It's horrible and awful and unfair and terrible. I hope someone is able to help her.

Weekend

I'm pleased it's the weekend. I was feeling a bit under the weather yesterday, but I came home early and took a nap, and then I slept for a good 9-10 hours last night. I hope I feel better this morning.

Today a Ravelry friend is going to bring her greyhound over so the cats can meet a dog for the first time. I hope it goes well, but I really have no idea what to expect.

Tomorrow I am going to have coffee and a crepe with the lovely Niobe, and then T and I are going to a greyhound kennel. There we can ask tons of questions and walk a few dogs. I'm hopeful this will 'get it out of my system' a little bit and I can calm down about this whole greyhound thing. Right now I'm completely obsessed.

It is May which is a tough month for me, and I'm feeling our 'wait' pretty heavily. T and I have decided to not use that facilitator and are instead going with a full service agency out of state. This probably means our wait will be a little bit longer, but it takes the pressure off of us to ensure proper dealings with birth families. I think the facilitator option would make me too crazy, and I really don't need anything that will make me crazier than I already am.

I have filled out the application and changed around our book a little bit. I think it is better. So we just need to print out the book and mail everything off. We're going to have to renew our homestudy in about October, so we've already been waiting 6 months with probably 12-18 more to go.

I just can't believe that I was pregnant twice when I was 33 and in two weeks I'm going to be 37 with another year of waiting.

Survey

You may have seen this on the L&F, but, if you've had a miscarriage in the last 6 months, are over 18 and have a partner, please take this survey for research purposes.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=VCaiTA9Wo6w60W8HA0QxSA_3d_3d

Research Opportunity

Everyone has a unique experience with miscarriage and many find help and support through websites like this one. Unfortunately, little is known about women's experiences of support and how this may affect responses to miscarriage, and so I invite you to participate in my dissertation research study examining women’s experiences following a miscarriage. Although there is no direct benefit to you, survey results may help healthcare providers better understand and meet the needs of women following miscarriage. This online survey takes approximately 15-20 minutes and is open to women who have miscarried a wanted pregnancy in the previous 6 months who are 18 years of age or older, living in the United States, and involved in a relationship with a significant other. Participants are eligible for a raffle for a $50 American Express gift certificate. For more information, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Lisa Rosenzweig
Teachers College
lsr2106@columbia.edu

So

So since things have been going so shittily lately, we're thinking of fostering and/or welcoming a greyhound into our family.

We're not sure how the cats will react.

But we are seriously thinking of it and are going to see some greyhounds this weekend.

Another one bites the dust

My pottery class was canceled.

Not our time

The expectant parents chose another couple.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but in all honesty it would have been much more of a shock to have been chosen. But poor T feels a little rejected.

Show and Tell

It's been in the 80s this weekend, which is much warmer than normal for the end of April. The garden is blooming.

Secret

I got an email from our agency today. An expectant couple's match fell through. They didn't have a lot of information, but the situation has potential. The couple want to place with a childless couple. The agency wanted to know if we could send an electronic version of our book to show to the couple.

I said yes and emailed something over.

The baby is due in a couple of weeks.

So, our book is being shown.

Three years

My first post is pretty much as true today as it was on the day I posted it three years ago. I will list the differences.

• I got pregnant one more time and had a third miscarriage.
• We did IVF with PGD 3 times. They all failed. (We only had 1 transfer.)
  
• We had 4 failed IUIs with our first sperm donor.
• We had 2 failed IUIs with our second sperm donor. One resulted in our fourth miscarriage.
• We had our homestudy for domestic infant adoption approved.
• We've been waiting for a match for 6 months.
• T and I have been married for a few years rather than a few months.
  

Otherwise, it's all the same:

Why was I told to create a blog? There are several reasons. First is, I generally have a lot to say. I'm usually talking and spewing opinions, so I suppose folks thought that a good outlet was to write them down instead. Secondly, I sometimes have have a bit of free time during the day, and it was thought that writing in here would be a productive way to spend that time.

Those reasons, however, did not compel me to start this blog.

I was married a few months ago. I never thought I would get married because I never met a man that I liked much who liked me back. But then I met my husband, T, and we are very happy together.

We are ready to start a family and started trying right away. Happily, we got pregnant immediately. At about 5 weeks, the pregnancy ended. I had miscarried. I have friends who miscarried, and I knew it was common, so we weren't discouraged and knew we would try again soon. We were encouraged by the fact that we got pregnant so easily.

The next month, we were pregnant again. We didn't even intend to get pregnant that month. It just sort of happened. We were delighted. The 5 week mark passed and I was definitely feeling the effects of pregnancy. At about 7 weeks, the pregnancy ended. Again, we had friends who had several miscarriages, so we weren't completely hopeless, though it was much more difficult to deal with this time. I had felt good and we were excited, so it was disappointing to have lost that pregnancy. We felt ready for a baby and we thought we had got through the difficulties. With some tears and encouragement from our doctor, we were told there was no reason we couldn't get pregnant again soon. As a precaution, we had blood taken for tests that would rule us out for any serious complications that caused multiple miscarriages.

It turns out, that T has a chromosomal abnormality. It's called a balanced translocation. That means that one part of one chromosome switched places with one part of another chromosome. Because all of his chromosomal information is there, there was no way to know that anything was not right with his chromosomes. In his daily life, it has no consequence.

Unfortunately, what that does mean is that the odds of having a normal pregnancy is low.

So now we are battling infertility. We have the possibility of conceiving through IVF with PGD, which I may explain in more detail later. But we have an appointment with an IVF clinic in one month and are now grieving our ability to have a child without assistance, and perhaps have a child at all. It is unclear at this time what our chances are.

So I decided it might be cathartic to use this blog as a journal of sorts. I can talk about our journey, and perhaps learn how to deal with this emotional toll.

I know there are tons of people out there battling with infertility. There are also resources on the web. But I haven't found too many places where people just talk about all the complex feelings that go along with finding out you are infertile. It's a huge blow. Now, I know that we have a chance to have our own baby using our own genetic information, but I don't know what those chances are at this time. Some people will never be able to do that and have happy families via sperm or egg donation or adoption. I know that all of this is possible and can have a happy ending. It is just very difficult to not know exactly what is going on and to adjust to the reality of how our family will be created.

While the wonders of science make all of these things possible, and that is great, there is no denying the complexity of all of these choices and how much more difficult it is to organize and go through them than it is to do it the "old fashioned way."

It's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes we're okay and sometimes we're not.

So here we go....

Lying

Should you ever lie? Even by omission?

I am afraid to tell my friends who have young children about the death of our friends' child. I don't want to make people unnecessarily afraid. His mom really doesn't want what happened to trigger fear in parents.

It's easy enough to do with people at work.

But when good, close friends ask how I am, I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them. I am terrible at lying.

We attended one shiva call for a toddler and another memorial service for a man in his mid-forties this week. Understandably, I'm not in the greatest of spirits. How can I not tell?

I have to tell. But I don't want to keep people up at night feeling like they constantly have to check on their kids.

It's okay to tell, right?

Show and Tell

Because they are sitting shiva, they could not go to the baseball game. Their son loved the Red Sox, so they wanted to give the tickets to someone who they knew loved the game.

We went. The weather was lovely. It was certainly an exciting game. And we remembered the boy.

Fenway Park

Shiva

Shiva is sort of like a wake for Jewish people, except it lasts longer than one day. It's part of mourning. You can find out more about it by clicking on the link, if you're curious.

We went over to our friends' house tonight. They are sitting shiva for their son.

While trying to make sense of this, I found out about SUDC. We made a donation in his memory.

They are doing as well as can be expected, I guess. They are both coping in their own ways. It's hard. There was still baby stuff around the house -- a play pen, a high chair.

His mom said to me quietly that she knew we probably understand what they're going through more than anyone. They wrote a letter of reference for us to the adoption agency for our home study.

My biggest fear was that I would cry and she would comfort me. It happened a little. But I comforted her too.

It was good to see them living and dealing. I think I can be sad for them and yet still live my life. Because that is the best way to honor the short life of this little boy.

No title

This is my 450th post. My third year blogoversary is next week.

It has been more than three years since my first pregnancy.

All at once we are in the same place and not. We have been through so much since I started this blog and I have a completely different view on life (in some ways) than I did back then. Yet we are still not parents.

I feel in a weird place. I am still grieving for my friends' lost son. How do I move on when they cannot? We are going to see them tomorrow. My therapist tells me that I can mourn with them for a while, but I need to find a way to move on. I can have empathy, but I have my own burdens to bear.

We all need to move on and live life because what else can we do?

I know many of you have had to move on from your losses. I read your blogs and I see your ups and downs. I know that I try to do the same. Though we all have our own types of losses, we each figure out how to do it in different ways.

I'm not sure I've truly moved on from my loss, so perhaps that is why I'm feeling theirs so closely? Is there such a thing as feeling someone else's tragedy too much?

I just feel like I know what it's like to walk through life carrying a silence. I know my losses are different than this couple's loss, but I feel like I can truly feel it.

I say that spring is my favorite season because it's so nice for the weather to become bearable, but spring means blogoversary, my birthday and mother's day. I feel the passage of time so strongly. I suppose I should hate January because 3 of my 4 miscarriages were in January (I think), but for some reason I don't really think of miscarriage anniversaries that much.

I wish I could feel like it's okay to think about trivial things. I think about updating my facebook status, but how can I do something so trivial when my friends are enduring so much suffering?

How do I let go?

Loss

You go through infertility and you think you understand loss, and then something else happens.

A very lovely couple we know lost their toddler. During his short life he was deeply loved and appreciated. Now, without explanation, he is gone.

I know loss. All of us know loss. And yet.

My heart is broken for them.

Passover

I read Mel's article about being infertile at Passover. It definitely rings true. But there is another aspect that she did not mention that strikes me as someone waiting to be an adoptive parent.

The story of Moses is an adoption story. Jochebed, Moses's first mother, could not parent Moses due to unacceptable surroundings. She did the only thing she could to save her son that she loved so much - she gave him up. He was brought up in the home of the Pharaoh and was loved and never wanted for anything. She also found a way to help raise him, in that she was able to become his nurse and teach him the ways of his blood. He truly identified with the Hebrews/Israelites -- the people of his genetic origin. He becomes their leader.

One of my favorite authors, Orson Scott Card, who also happens to be Mormon and to write about the bible a lot, has these fictionalized versions of old testament stories. I enjoy learning about the history of religion and enjoyed reading these historical novels, but when it came to the one about Moses -- Stone Tables -- I couldn't get through the beginning. I couldn't get past the adoption aspect, the birth mother, the mix between two peoples. Moses is truly of two peoples -- the Egyptian royal family that raised him and the Hebrew family that gave birth to him and saved him by giving him away.

This isn't talked about much at the seder, but along with all of the infertile women of Jerusalem and all the themes of spring and re-birth and birth that are everywhere in the seder, I am thinking of Moses and what it was like for him to live in two different worlds.

This is the predicament of all adopted people. They have one foot in two different worlds. One foot is with their genetic origins and one foot is with the family that raised them. I can't really imagine what it's like. I know that it's different for each individual that lives with it. Unfortunately there never seems to be a really good answer about how to deal with such situations. I just know that they come up and that people try to make the best of the situation as they can. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.

I know nothing in this world is certain, but one thing that is always certain seems to be blood. That just never goes away no matter what. And it's just so difficult to sort out in my head how to come to terms with the fact that our family will never have that connection.

And yes I believe that connections can be made other ways -- I do not think adoptive families are less, only that they are different. I know my niece was adopted, but I certainly do not believe she is less my niece than her sister or cousin who is related by birth. But I do know that as much a part of the family she feels, she also feels apart in some ways. And that is what it means.

But I did appreciate Heather's statement that being an adoptive family is punk rock. It is. And I like being punk rock. So I'm trying to embrace that.

Wish I had something to say

Both T and I are feeling down, still. I have PMS which makes things worse. We're both sick of everything and aren't really sure how to get out of our funk.

We're both glad baseball has started back up, and we enjoy watching Idol on the TV, though neither of us vote.

T's been buying some toys lately, which I have mixed feelings about. We bought me a W.ii F.it in order to try and exercise a bit more. I've done it for a few days, but gained a pound. I'm going to stop weighing myself daily. I think that's a bad habit.

We're looking into carpeting the stairs in our house. It's something that's overdue, but not cheap and not easy. We think we've made a decision about doing it, though.

I haven't done anything about looking into those other agencies, though I need to. I need to just pick one and fill out the paperwork. I wish I could figure out why I can't make myself do it. I mean, I know part of the reason is because I feel like we already did all of this -- which we did. But we'll end up waiting like 3 more years if we don't do something else and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that so we have to do it again.

Blah.

Show and Tell

This is where I went to say goodbye to my boss that never was. I got hired by him, but before I started my new job he was promoted, so I never actually got to work with him. Apparently this is one of his favorite places.


Love the gold vinyl. Around the rest of the room were not more delightful black, shiny pictures but actual oil paintings of famous Italian people like Frank Sinatra and John Travolta. It was quite the lunch. Everybody thought the food was delicious. (It was okay.) I was delighted to discover that they have function rooms!

Join the fun with:

Not much

I tried to think about talking to my boss about her inappropriate comment, but the meeting I had turned into something bad, so I didn't. Because I misunderstood a procedure, I felt like I was being accused of trying to get out of completing my work or working hard enough or something. Anyway, I just couldn't bring it up, so that's that. Between her comment, some other comments she has made, and this encounter of feeling accused of not working hard, I'm not currently feeling so great about my boss. But it is what it is.

I'm trying to take this as something good so that when we get placed with a baby I won't mind quitting work and staying home. Isn't that funny?

Not too much is going on. We're feeling sad today. A colleague of T's has been ill and passed away at a too young age. T doesn't deal with loss particularly well. It's all very, very sad.

Saturday we are doing the MS Walk if anybody wants to donate.

I'm having second thoughts about our facilitator again. I think I want to work with an agency. We have to make a decision and fill out an application and commit before my pottery class starts. We're currently just wasting time and spinning our wheels. Why can't I move forward with this?

I heard this piece about grief on the radio today. This woman had lost her husband. I just couldn't help but think about myself in this situation, only the person (people) that I lost never actually existed. They were just concepts -- perhaps multiple cells. But the thing that has died is the person that would have been created had my DNA been able to successfully combine with T's DNA, and any of the thousands or millions of possible outcomes of that combination simply never will be. I really think they should have spoken with people who have failed all fertility treatments for that study.

My parents are going to be back from Florida today and I will see them this weekend. And despite all of this shit, I'm happy that baseball season is starting even though my fantasy team kind of sucks.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.

Off-hand comments

Today in our weekly staff meeting we were talking about April Fools jokes since the first of April is coming up. My boss said one year for April Fools she sent one of her nieces a letter telling her she had been adopted and that her parents had met in line at the welfare office. The niece believed the letter and my boss had to call her and tell her it wasn't true. She said that her niece will believe absolutely anything. She was laughing.

I was uncomfortable and didn't say anything.

Adoption Conference

Saturday T and I went to the Adoption Conference we went to last year. We were still in an exploratory place last year, and this year were were in waiting mode. We went again to the 'pre-adoptive parents' session, which is split by gender. It is always really nice to share some good discussion with people in a similar place. Most of the women there had been through infertility battles, though I did feel like more of a veteran because several of the women were just starting their adoption journeys.

Again, it's just so cool to be in a place where everybody there has been touched by adoption.

We went to several sessions about openness in adoption and communication in adoptive families. Last year we went to a session for birth parents, but we decided to not go to any birth parent/adoptee groups. We really focused on learning how to educate ourselves and our children about adoption and how to ensure good communication both with our children and our children's birth parents. It is my hope that the more I listen to people's stories and experiences, the easier it will be for us when we have to have the more difficult conversations.

This really is a wonderful conference, and we're so lucky to live close enough to attend it. I think it came at the right time when I was feeling really down. I know this is a difficult road, but when I see all of these people living their lives, it makes me feel like we can do it too.

I do still worry, and I do hear stories that scare the hell out of me. I do see people experiencing my worst fears when it comes to adoption. But despite all of the problems, parents love their children and their children do love their parents. I see plenty of biological families have issues with their family members. There are never any guarantees that things will be 'happily ever after' and I just have to accept it.

So, I'm not happy-go-lucky or feeling excited or anything, but I am trying to let go of my anger and am trying to be a little more rational.

Plus I'm counting days until pottery.

I signed up for a class

So, feeling down about everything and contemplating a different life forced me to do something I've always wanted to do, but never did. The timing was right. I signed up for a pottery class. Beginning Wheelthrowing.

When we went to that art show last weekend, I was talking to one of the pottery artists and mentioning how I'd always wanted to learn to do pottery on the wheel. I live very close to a reasonably well-known pottery school, and he told me I should sign up. I did show off my purse and my sweater to him. He was impressed.

When I got home, I looked on the website of this school. Turns out that registration was today! It was kismet. I had to sign up. So I did.

I am so excited! It has definitely pepped me up. And to celebrate we're getting dumplings from my favorite Chinese place.

So I'm feeling a little better for now. I'm still looking forward to talking to my therapist on Friday morning.

I'm still questioning all of this, but for now I'm excited to start pottery class. It starts at the end of April.

Still down

I've had a sad week. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me, but I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm going back to talk to my old therapist on Friday to see if that will help.

I'm in such a funk that I actually looked up jobs in the city in Hawai'i where I fantasize about moving. There is a branch of University of Hawai'i there, so I fantasize about working there. I looked at flights, but I didn't look at housing. Housing in Hawai'i is expensive. I'm not sure why I'm in this 'giving up' mode, but I am.

I haven't been cooking. I let T buy a couple of toys. I have been spending a lot of time playing on our Wii. I haven't been cleaning -- though I did manage to empty and fill the dishwasher today, finally. I just don't have strong opinions about anything. I'm not particularly worried about anything because I just don't care.

Though this brings us to the weird part because I am worried about the fact that I don't care. T thinks it's a good thing. He says I'm letting go and just going with the flow. We are lucky that financially we don't have things to worry about (especially in this economy) but it isn't like me to step back and consider and just worry about how things are going to go. But I don't care.

I am still exercising a little bit. It's only twice a week so far, though I'm trying for three. I should do more, but it's better than nothing. But I just don't care. I haven't been knitting or crocheting or reading. I've just been watching DVDs and playing on the Wii. I don't feel interested in much. I feel like things are not okay.

Though, I am trying to sign up to take a pottery class tomorrow. I've always wanted to make clay things on the wheel, so I'm going to try and sign up and do pottery once or twice a week. Hopefully that will kick me in the butt.

I emailed the agency today and they think that previous situation with Bruce and his daughter is a long shot. They think we should sign on with the facilitator. That is a big chunk of money, but I think we're going to go ahead and do it. That will solidify the fact that we will not give up and move to Hawai'i because once we give her this money, we'd better get an adoption to happen. It's not refundable and it's a lot.

But as I type this, I don't feel much of anything. I really feel like I don't care about anything. I know this cannot wholly be true, but I just can't seem to have an opinion about anything. This is strange as someone who always uses 'opinionated' as the one word to describe herself.

Should I be worried?

Still Sad

When I get sad, I think about abandoning this whole adoption plan and moving away and starting over.

A lovely open adoption blog I read linked to this story. It's the story of one birth mother. It's not a foreign story to me, but as all first parents stories, it moved me deeply. There have been a lot of comments, some reassuring and some not.

Adoption is work. I knew this going into adoption. It's essential to make sure it's done ethically, and maintaining some openness is delicate. It's difficult for all three triad members.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to cope. Today is one of those days.

I have always known that I wanted to be a parent. I have known this for as long as I can remember. I never remember wanting to be married much. I never dreamed of a big wedding or wanting to be a princess for a day. I don't remember fantasizing about my husband or my wedding or any such thing. But I do remember always thinking about my children. I always thought about what type of parent I would be.

But it has turned out that neither my husband nor I can make a baby. So what are we to do?

-------------------
I stopped writing this and T and I went out to a lovely arts show and bought me a few neat things. We also bought a dresser that was on sale that T wanted. The art show was fabulous and inspiring. I think I'm going to sign up for beginners pottery class. I have always wanted to learn and now is a good time for me to start. Classes start at the end of April.

After the show I had beer and clams, and we had a lovely day. I am much less sad than when I wrote the first half of this post.

I still, however, feel I don't know what to do with my life right now. In some ways I want to move to Hawai'i and abandon all hopes of making a family. This journey has been too difficult and it poses too many risks and has too much pain. I sometimes feel I am too empathetic to be an adoptive parent. I see some adoptees who have such pain in their lives, and I've read and spoke to birth/first parents who are also living with extreme pain. I don't want any more pain. I want happiness.

All this said, I can't ever imagine life without parenting. We will not move to Hawai'i and we will wait and find a good match and find some way to have a relationship with our child's birthparents. We will be as good parents as we can, and life will happen.

I am just stuck here waiting and imagining everything going wrong. It's not a nice place to be, but I am trying to do things I enjoy. It's really imperitive that I take that class while I can. And when I think about these classes, I think that maybe I could go away and take classes and be a more involved and active person without children. But then I go out and see a family, and my heart just breaks.

I think this is the problem. I have a heart that has been broken too many times. It hasn't been broken by my family or by my husband, but by hope. I have had so much hope and it has broken me each time -- each pregnancy, each IVF each dIUI, each cycle. I have hoped so many times that I might have a family, and I see what we do not have everywhere around us. I'm not sure I could live this world we live in without having a family. I think it would completely break me.

I so often feel like I don't know what to do. I hate that feeling.

Head: better. Soul: not so much

My new cube was a bit better today. At least, I didn't feel like I was hallucinating. That's a start. I felt a headache coming on a few times, but I ate, drank water or got up and walked away and managed to hold it of. I also wore a hat and despite my hat head it blocked some of the light out and I think it helped a bit.

I am, however, feeling sad. One of the HR women at work is adorably pregnant. The other day she chose to sit next to me out of an entire, huge room of people. Plus, I'm feeling really fat. My pants are all tight, my shirts are all a little bit small. I have been exercising a couple of days a week, but I'm still eating kind of poorly. I don't feel like I have the energy to try to eat healthy, even though it's probably not that difficult.

My new job is weird. The people I work with are a little odd and it's not very social. I tend to eat lunch in my old department because people are rowdy and fun there. Also, two people were just hired in the Training department, which is also rowdy and fun, and I kind of feel bad that I didn't get to apply there. I was a teacher after all. But since I got offered and accepted this job back in November, I didn't even have the choice.

Again, even as I move forward, I feel like I'm not. The whole world moves and I just sit here. At least I sort of feel like if we did get a baby that I wouldn't mind quitting my job to stay home. But that just seems like a far off dream and pretty moot anyway.

If work sucks and family sucks (even though my husband doesn't suck), then what's the point? I just don't get it. Yes, I have a great husband, but I'm just not sure what else I am accomplishing here on earth. No, I'm not suicidal, but I'm sad because I just don't understand the point of life. I used to be this smart, fun person with the whole world in front of her. Now I'm just someone who never had the right job and wasn't able to have children and is just getting old in a job she is too smart for. I just don't get it.

Work Headaches

Today was slightly better. I hid behind a wall I built with cardboard and an old curtain I brought in from home.

It's definitely me. No one else is having this problem.

I did find out that there are different light bulbs in my new area than in the area where I was sitting before, which makes me feel a little less insane.

I am changing seats tomorrow, and they're going to see if it's possible to replace the lights in the one light that is right above my seat. I'm thinking of wearing a baseball hat and sunglasses too.

But I feel better today. At least, I don't think I might have a migraine. I just feel slightly light-headed. No real headache, though.

But I did go out for a couple hours for my 'welcome to the department' lunch. So I had a big break in the middle of the day. And after coming back and working for a while, I was semi-hallucinating. It was like seeing 'trails' or weird light flickering while looking at my computer screen.

I hope moving my seat helps.

My new cube

at work seems to be making me sick. I've had a headache 85% of the time since I moved my cube. I'm trying to make some adjustments -- I think it's the light that is causing this. But it sucks to have a headache all day every day. This is not normal for me.

And I asked about possibly moving or making some more changes around my cube, but like everything else, it's complicated. So I'm going to try to block out the florescent lights that shine right it my eyes and see if it helps.

I've been kind of cranky lately.

Show and Tell

Here's my show and tell for this week:

This is the shrug I made for Lauren's 12th birthday.


I hope she actually wears it. It's very cute, if a little snug. But the lace is stretchy and I think it's adorable. It's so difficult to figure out what teenagers like.

Go see what others are showing.

feelings

I've had a bunch of weird feelings lately. Today, mostly. But I'm PMS/menstrual and my emotions are running high.

My niece is a talented artist. I have one of her oils as the desktop background. Here it is:


The thing is, she painted these while she was 11. If you look at the way she writes her name in the lower right hand corner, you can see that it's not an adult's handwriting.

Here is the first oil paint she ever made. I think she was not even 11 yet, or possible had just turned 11 when she painted it.


She's incredibly talented. So I was showing off her paintings and gloating as a good aunt does, and one of my co-workers asked if there was anyone else in our family that had artistic talent. This is a legitimate question. But then I was faced with a conundrum. I had only a few seconds to decide what to say. There is no one else with artistic talent in the family. Yes, I am good at my knitting and crocheting, but I cannot paint or draw. But the question was out there. I could have just said, "No, no one else in our family has artistic talent," and left it at that. But I didn't. I did say that no one else had any artistic talent, but I prefaced it with the fact that she was adopted.

I felt funny about that later. Was it the right decision? Did I reveal this information when it wasn't necessary? The question implied a genetic reason for this incredible talent that Lauren has, and I decided to address it, but I felt funny about it afterward.

It made me think of my future children. If asked the same question about them, would I reveal that information in that same situation? My gut tells me that I would have, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure where my discomfort comes from. Is it because I feel this is Lauren's information to reveal and I took a liberty? The chances of them ever meeting her is slim to none, but it still made me feel funny, like I did something wrong.

What should I have done?

Nothing doing

I haven't heard anything at all about this situation. The agency is waiting for the expectant mother to contact them. Her father, Bruce, is supposed to show her our photo booklet. He was apparently quite taken by it, but I don't have any idea if this expectant mom has looked at the booklet or is interested or anything. Meantime, I'm just sitting and waiting and trying not to think about it.

Meanwhile I'm trying to settle in to my new job. It's been going well. Today was the first day where I had to start figuring out ways to politic a little and how to handle people and situations and my boss, etc. It was nothing bad, but I did have a few cringe inducing moments.

Wish I had something more interesting to say today. All I can say is that it's been snowing way too much. I'm ready for that to stop.

Freaked out

So yesterday morning I sent an email to the birth mother counselor at our agency, just to find out what the next step might be. I got the following email (changes have been made to protect privacy):

I just left you a voice message. Just to recap, I just put a call into Bruce today, the BM’s father, who said that he was very impressed with your album and the information that I sent about Our Adoption Agency but he has not seen his daughter or been in touch as she is out of state and she is having cell phone problems. He intends to share everything with her when he sees her. He said that “Joanne said that you were open to adopting both boys”. I am assuming that this is something that you have talked about with your contact person -apparently this BM has another toddler who is presently living with his other grandparents.

Let us know what you are thinking about.

I FREAKED OUT!

I have in no way talked to anyone about adopting a sibling or a toddler or ANYTHING. I flipped. And "Joanne" is my cousin's wife's mother, who is someone I met briefly once at their wedding and haven't talked to since. That was five years ago. How could someone who does not know us offer for us to parent a toddler that we didn't know needed a family?

The BM counselor calmed me down. It could be due to some miscommunication. Bruce could have asked if we were interested in the toddler and Joanne could have said, "I don't know, possibly," and he took that as a yes. Plus, we have no information about the BM at all. We only know Bruce is interested in making an adoption plan with us, we have no idea how on board she is with this. We know she's thinking about it, but we don't know what she's thinking about. We don't have any medical information yet -- we don't even know if it's a sitiuation that could possibly work out. If it does look like a good situation, the BM counselor told me that she knows how to approach that situation. There are all sorts of ways to talk to the BM about only being able to parent the one child as our first.

But she did say that I should contact my cousin's wife to make sure that her mother knows she shouldn't be talking to Bruce about the prospects or possibilities of an adoption happening with us. He should only be talking to our agency.

But boy howdy did that freak me out. And I'm still concerned that if she learns we are not prepared to parent her toddler that she won't want to place with us. But I guess if that's the case then it was not meant to be.

I still have to call my cousin's wife. I'm slightly nervous, but now that I've calmed down I feel I can approach it without being accusing. These people did me a great favor by making this connection, even if it ends up not working out.

I'm trying to remember to breathe.

Confusing

Sometimes I confuse myself. I feel like I don't communicate enough with other people. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I like to be active in my relationships with people. I like getting email and comments and notes on my wall, etc. But I'm not particularly great at reaching out, which means it's silly for me to expect attention back. Plus, I don't have much to say about anything. I don't want to talk to my long, lost friends because I don't want to talk about our infertility and our waiting for an adoption to happen. But if asked, there's nothing much else going on with me. Sure, I can talk a little bit about my new job (which is going well so far) or I could mention my latest knitting or crochet project, but I'm not sure how interesting it is. And the people I'm friendly with already know about these things. There's only so much to talk about when it comes to cooking or crafting or work. I just feel dead in the water and conflicted. Do I want to talk to people or don't I? The answer is, I'm not sure.

And I haven't heard anything from our agency.

And here are some alligators because someone asked about them.

Back from vacation - with Show and Tell images.

I'm back from Florida. It was a long, relaxing and lovely vacation. I can't believe it's supposed to snow a foot tomorrow.

In other news, while we were down there, my mother told me to call my cousin's wife. While I think she is lovely, she's not someone I talk to very often, aside by commenting on F@ceb00k, etc. Turns out her mother has a friend whose daughter is pregnant and doesn't think she can parent. She was wary of letting us know -- her husband (my cousin) said to mind her own business, but she talked to my aunt and then my mother and was convinced that this is something we should pursue. So the birth mother counselor spoke to the pregnant woman's father, who has been making sure she's been getting to her doctors' appointments and who has been taking care of her, and sent over a brochure and our profile.

The woman had been feeling desperate and called up one of those billboard adoption agencies with the pictures of in-utereo fetuses that are usually funded by churches to make sure women do not choose abortion. They are aggressively pursuing her and calling her often.

Not sure what's going to happen with this, but it makes my tummy tumble in knots. I'll follow up with our agency some tie next week. I'm not feeling very hopeful, but it is our first 'showing.' There is always a chance.

So, I will share a few pictures of the wonderful wildlife we saw while in Florida.

Vacation's all I ever wanted

Tomorrow is my last day at my old job! Yay! I'm so very happy about it.

Saturday we leave for Florida.

Things are hectic but fine. Didn't get the stuff off to the facilitator before we're leaving. I'm a little disappointed in myself for not doing it. I'm just not feeling settled about it, I guess. But we'll do that when we get home, I suppose. Right away. I'll finally have some flexibility to get to the post office anyway.

Have a good week everybody! Wish for good weather down there!

Feeling better

We're all feeling better. I'm still worried about T, but he is feeling fine. He'll see the doctor on Tuesday and I hope that I can convince him to exercise. I think it will help. I truly believe this was all related to stress and anxiety.

Last night we had dinner over with E&R and toddler S. S just loves my husband. S is a man's man and is really only interested in men. When we were walking up the stairs, S stuck his head out and looked at me and said T's name. He climbed all over T and had T read him books and wanted T to go in his room when it was time for bed. He's a good kid - so cute. He's become interested in anatomy and at one point asked T if he had a pen1s. E is trying to explain when it is okay to talk about these things and when it is not, but apparently this is a pretty common question S is asking of people -- making sure men have one and confirming that women don't, mostly. Sometimes he gets it wrong, but not often. It was funny.

I made more marshmallows for dessert. I messed up the first batch, so I had to do it twice. I melted the chocolate in the microwave which worked SO much better for me than doing it in a double boiler. I always seize chocolate, and this melt went perfectly. They were yummy.

Today I'm taking a friend down to the Scandinavian furniture store to get a bookshelf for her new apt. She just moved out from living with her husband. I have my dad's mini van since my car is in the shop.

Less than a week to FL. 4 more days in my old job.

more sick

T came home sick on Tuesday. We went to bed pretty early.

T woke me up at about 4:30. He had been up for 45 minutes and his chest HURT. It wouldn't go away. It seemed to be getting worse. It wasn't burning or radiating, but it was BAD. We had to go to the ER.

Drove him there. It took forever. When we got to the desk, he couldn't even stand up.

He went in for tests. I really didn't think it was his heart because he had had 2 different stress tests not too long ago and some EKGs and they were all normal, but they had to test it. They gave him aspirin and nitroglycerine and then some morphine. The morphine didn't help. They gave him an x-ray and a CT scan. All negative.

They gave him some even stronger drugs and finally, finally he could actually sit still without writhing in pain. It was about 7am at this point.

They released him because they had no idea what was causing it. He has to follow up with is primary care doctor. He got some meds.

Now it's close to 8. I had been home for the past two days, so I had to go to work. I wanted to stay home with him, but I couldn't. So he went back to bed and I showered and went to work.

The meds seemed to help and went down to just ibuprophen by evening. He was even better this morning. But I'm still super worried about him. Then he had a work disaster today and didn't even leave the office until almost 7pm. (It's ten til right now and he may have just left just now.)

He works too hard. I think it was caused by stress. He won't work less hard and I'm worried this will happen again. I need him to exercise and he doesn't.

But he is a bit better. But I remain very worried.

Tomorrow is Friday. No work on Monday. We leave for FL one week from Saturday.

Sick

I left work at about 11:30 yesterday and stayed home today. I was running a fever. Poor T seems to have it now, too. Luckily I seem to be getting better and I should be go to go back to work tomorrow.

Heard back from the friend I emailed about being a waiting family. She was understanding and said she had some friends who dealt with infertility and 'ended up' adopting. She asked if we were going overseas or staying in the US and told me that if I didn't want to talk about it, she'd understand. So that went ok. I guess it went about as I expected it.

All of my relatives have started joining F@ceb00k now, including my dad and my aunt so I'm getting weary of the whole thing. So maybe I'll be less obsessed with it.

I have exactly 7 more working days at my current job. It's longer than a week because there's a long weekend in between, but it's getting there.

Sunday

Still haven't heard from F@ceb00k friend w/kids. Not sure how often she logs in, though. I can't seem to stay away from that stupid site, even though in some ways I want to.

Now my relatives are starting to find me.

Got a spaetzle press for Chanukah and I'm going to try making it with some beef stroganoff tonight. Yum.

Went to the store and bought a box of cake mix and frosting because it was on sale. I can smell the cake as it bakes right now. I really need to lose some weight and did start up exercising again, but I just can't help myself with some sweet snacks. I had been eating well, but on Friday I had a donut and some fried food. I've been eating out all week. Maybe it will be okay because I'm going to exercise tomorrow. I bought some bananas. That's good, right? I need to control my eating.... and help T control his.

It's really warm here today, but I'm not doing anything. Cooking and laundry is about it -- plus I'm working on knitting a gift for one of my nieces. It's coming along, but I think I need an extra needle for it. I'll have to see.

Weekends can be so weird.

Waiting

I sent an email to one of those friends from F@ceb00k. Told her we were waiting. Now I'm waiting for a response.

Waiting is hard.

Have a different friend who had a BFN after her first IUI. My heart breaks. I hate seeing people I care about have this kind of pain. It also makes me re-live mine.

Tomorrow is Friday, so only 2 more weeks until vacation. I'm holding my breath.

Coping strategies

I need to learn how to deal with things.

Like I've seen a lot of other people mention, I have a F@ceb00k profile. On this site I am finding a lot of former classmates and friends I've lost touch with. Inevitably, as I'm in my mid-thirties, I get friended, get the, "Hi Rachel! How are you? We have two kids now! Blah blah blah, we're busy but happy!" Sometimes they want to visit. Sometimes their kids play with someone else I know's kids. Sometimes they're super-important and have had high powered jobs and sometimes they took time off to take care of their multiple children.

How do I respond to all of this? Do I tell them we're waiting to adopt? Do I not? Do I just say where I work and that we have our house?

Sometimes I feel like I should just stay away from it, but I can't seem to. But seeing all of these people fruitful and multiplying makes me totally bummed and I don't know how to respond to them. I'm one of the few people that actually enjoyed high school. I mean, I didn't enjoy all of it, but my circle of friends was a good one, and if I ignored a certain section of high school people, it was a pretty good time in my life. One of the best, actually.

I'm terrified of contacting old friends now. I feel like such a constant failure at career and family. I don't like to talk to people because I see how successful they are -- financially, career-wise and with children. I just don't know what to do or say or how to react.

Should I just stop logging in to F@aceb00k? What do I do?

I wish I had more self confidence with these things.