Here

Went to the Dr with N & B this morning. Heard the baby's heartbeat. Felt her move. Saw N's belly move as the baby moved inside her. Amazing. I have never seen that before. 

N is going to the hospital tonight to begin the induction proceedings. She should be born before the weekend is over. 

It's sunny & warm. 

Leaving in the morning

I am so nervous. I feel like barfing.

Everything's going to be ok.

Breathe.

Doing better

Hormones are horrible things. They make you go crazy. My hormones have settled a bit and now I am doing better.

I am still nervous like crazy. We fly down tomorrow morning. I spoke with N yesterday and she is ready. She talks about signing the paperwork as if it's nothing. It's strange to me. We do plan on spending time together while we wait for the paperwork so we can go home.

I am hoping for the best.

Going crazy

I'm starting to go nuts here. I think I might have PMS which is making me bloat and feel even more emotional than I already am, but this wait is KILLING me.

I can only think about things going wrong. I really don't think N is going to change her mind, but I know B is having a hard time with it. He may have already signed papers, which is legal in FL, but is this ethical? I'm also afraid about the baby having major health problems. I'm also worried about the unknown paternity. H had a rough weekend and I'm worried about dealing with him and the baby.

I'm just suddenly feeling so fearful and like everything is wrong about this.

It's probably just my hormones freaking me out, but I'm going crazy and not in a good way.

Pushed flight out til Thursday

N went to the doctor. She's only 2 cm and 80% effaced. I asked her if we should delay the flight, and she thought so, so now we aren't leaving until Thursday.  She has an appointment on Friday the 28th and she said I could go with her. So, we will fly out Thursday morning for sure.

If she doesn't go into labor on her own they will schedule her to be induced the following week. So, Thursday is a good day no matter what.

Hopefully she doesn't go into labor on her own before then. She sounded pretty confident that she wouldn't, but I suppose you never know.

More waiting. Ack!

Days feel like years at this point.

Breathing.

Flying down on Sunday

T went to check on hotels in town where the baby will be born. Hotels are booking up quick, so we took a leap of faith and booked hotel and flight for Sunday. We were hoping to wait until Friday after N's doctor's appointment to make sure the time was right, but we feared not getting a hotel room so now it's booked.

Now my big fear is that on Friday the doctor will say to wait a few more weeks. Not sure what we'll do then. I guess just postpone the flight and cancel the hotel booking. More fees. I guess it's only money.

Got a newborn sized doll and we've been practicing playing big brother. Henry is doing quite well. He seems interested and patient about it. I'm guessing it won't last, but at least he's happy about it for now.

We lost our heat for 2 days. It's snowing AGAIN for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to the warm weather, and I don't even really like summer.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm seriously going to start putting things in suitcases.

Holy crap.

Planning on flying down this weekend

We are planning on flying down this weekend. N has a doctor's appointment on Friday. I'm assuming she will be around 3 cm by then, and we are going to want to go down on Saturday or Sunday. Right now, that is the plan.

Right now, I'm not really sure what to do about birth parent gifts. I bought a necklace for N with the February birth stone on it. I didn't get anything for B, though. But now I'm thinking I want to get them something more customized with her name or her birth date or something like that. Can I send something down for them after the birth? Is there a protocol for this stuff?

I know there are laws about it, but it's my understanding that if a gift is under a certain monetary amount, then it's fine. I've asked our attorney's office about it and that was the answer they gave.

So, these items I'm thinking of customizing are under that monetary value. Can I just mail them to their house? I do have their address.

Just thinking aloud.

N says she's really, really ready to be done being pregnant.

It's just time.

Almost panicked

N called this morning saying the midwife were sending her to the hospital for an ultrasound. She thought the baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. N assured me that the baby was up all night (keeping her up) and the morning was her quiet time and she was sure everything was fine.

Of course, she doesn't live in infertility and baby loss world where I live, so I panicked. And there is a snow storm today and there is no way we could get a flight until Friday night at the earliest and more realistically, Saturday.

She called after the ultrasound. We are not in go mode. She is only 1 1/2cm dilated. The baby looks great. They still want to keep her in utero for a couple more weeks, if possible.

So I panicked, but now I've calmed down. We have a little more time.

Breathe.

Ultrasounds

N mailed us some ultrasounds and a lovely letter. So now we have pictures of this baby in utero. I feel so lucky that this woman is willing to share so much of herself with us for the benefit of this child.

Heartbeat

N called while she was on a monitor and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.

She's only 1 cm dilated. They're hoping to keep the baby in for 2 more weeks. They told N to take it easy.

Almost go time

Spoke to N today. She reassured me that she would not be changing her mind. She wants me in the delivery room and she wants to see us a few times before we leave for home. She definitely wants to keep in touch, which is more than ok by me.

She says the baby has dropped and she's feeling contractions in her back. She thinks it's only going to be a couple of days before she goes into labor. She has a monitoring appointment tomorrow. She may call for the appointment so I can hear.

There has always been a question of paternity for this baby. She really thought it was B but now that she thinks she might be going into labor, she is unsure. Because B has been there for her throughout her pregnancy, he considers himself the birth father.

This is freaking me out a little bit. The other potential father is African American, so I guess we will figure it out eventually. We have known this all along, and it obviously has pretty huge implications for our family. We may not even know when the baby is born, as complexion changes over time. T and I have discussed this and we know if the baby is biracial then we will have to make some extra effort in our lives that we would not if the baby is white. We are willing to do this. We understand its implications.

But we don't know when to bring this up with our families. We have not mentioned this as a possibility to them, and we don't really want to unless it is necessary.

So, more freaking out by me. N is 37 weeks, according to dates by ultrasound. We think she would be 41 weeks if B is not the father, but who really knows. Dates are difficult to remember about these things.

So much

My father had to have some oral surgery. The night of his surgery (it was day surgery, so he was home) my mother fell down the stairs and broke her pelvis. She didn't call an ambulance until the morning and had to go into a rehab center. She is coming home today. My brothers and I had to go care for my recovering dad while my mom was away. Now we will have to help take care of my mom, though luckily my dad is well enough to help too.

This was last Tuesday. Needless to say, it's been a crazy week.

I hadn't heard from N for a couple weeks, but she finally texted me today. She said the baby is dropping, so it's definitely coming soon. We are basically ready here, except for T at work and Henry having some therapies that don't finish until the 17th. I'm hoping we can wait until after the 17th, but the baby will come when she comes.

So I'm completely freaked out and not relaxed. I'm having a difficult time getting things done.

Two weeks.