The things people say

At work today, I was complaining about how much I pee. I mean, I pee a lot. Especially when I'm drinking tea and water. And today I woke up not feeling great, so I drank more fluids than I usually do. So I peed a lot. And I mean a lot. Once every hour or two. And the other night I peed four times in one night. FOUR TIMES. So, I was telling the 70 year old woman about this. And she said, "You better be glad you're not pregnant!"

I almost let something slip. I almost said, "Yeah, I remember from when I was pregnant," or something to that extent. But I didn't. I stopped myself. I managed something like, "Tell me about it," or something.

But I'm not glad I'm not pregnant. And how does she know I'm not? I could be pregnant and she wouldn't know. I think she knows that something is up with me about fertility stuff. I don't know why I think she suspects, but I do.

This woman had natural triplets 45 years ago.

Sigh.

The meeting about the job placement stuff was good. Trigger is tonight.

Monitoring

I had monitoring this morning. The good news? There were 4 (yes, 4!) measurable follicles. The bad news? One was over 20 mm, two were in the 15 mm range and one was more like 10mm so they were not all the same size. In the hopes that the two 15ish get bigger so they can produce a mature egg, we are waiting to trigger until tomorrow night. IUI will be on Saturday morning. I picked up the sperm this afternoon.

I was actually excited and happy after the nurse called and told me that we were going to wait until tomorrow for trigger. I sort of freaked out that I was happy and excited, but I decided to go with it for a while. I'm trying to convince myself that *this* is the cycle.

I have an appointment with the RE next Thursday to discuss the injectable cycle. I'm really wondering about it. I mean, my Cl0mid response is almost as good as my injectable response, so does it even make sense to do them? I guess we'll figure that out next Thursday.

I have a couple of appointments with job placement agencies this week. We'll see how that goes.

Here we go again on the roller coaster.

Oh, and dinner was incredibly amazingly wonderful. If you ever go to Cambridge, eat there. Delicious. The kind of meal where you sit and you eat and you enjoy. Just fabulous.

Anniversary

Today is our 2nd anniversary. We have reservations at a lovely restaurant called Oleana in Cambridge. We went there after our friends S&G got married. It was one of the five finest meals I've ever had -- up there with Blue Ginger. I hope it will be similarly magnificent this evening.

We were going to see a movie too, but the one we wanted to see is only playing in downtown Boston, so I'm not sure we're going to make it. Perhaps we will see a different one. Perhaps not. We did go see a movie on Friday. We hadn't been for a while. We thought the movie was excellent. It was the Coen Brothers' new movie, No Country for Old Men. Depressing as hell, but well acted, well done, and there wasn't a single baby or mention of a baby or pregnancy during the entire film. We considered it a win.

Thanksgiving was fine. It was nice to have the days off, and the food was delicious. Has some slight inter-family quibbling, which is annoying, but what can you do? Sometimes my two sisters-in-law butt heads a little. And they both talk to me about the other. I don't like it.

Last night I went to see E&R and little S by myself. T was too sad after hanging all weekend with my nieces and nephew. It is so cute how much some of my nieces love T. They head-butt his belly, they sit on his lap, the giggle while he teases them. T doesn't have much experience with kids, so it's nice that they get along so well. It's too bad that it makes him sad, though. But anyway, little S is such a toddler now. He's walking and talking and completely knows exactly what he wants at all times. He throws little tantrums when he's frustrated. I find it funny. Is that cruel of me? I always think little kids tantrums are funny. They are so easy to see through. I know it's frustrating when you have to deal with them all of the time, but until then I guess it will make me smile.

I've started crocheting a purse/bag for my niece for Chanukah. We draw names, and I drew hers. I hope she likes it. I'm going to make one similar for myself at some point. It's nice to craft again, though my finger is still numb.

I have a cousin that may have a job for me that is only 2 miles from my house. Not bad.

I have one more dose of Cl0mid and my first (and most likely only) monitoring is Wednesday. That puts me on track for a Friday IUI.

No decision

Because I started bleeding on a Saturday and today is CD3, I cannot do injectables this month. It takes longer than a day to get the insurance approval and I'm supposed to start meds on CD3. So no injectables for me.

I was really disappointed at first, but in the end, I think I'm okay with it. I can still do Cl0mid with monitoring and a trigger shot. Since I'm so oddly paranoid about multiples and we don't know what the 'action' with this donor is like, I'm happy to try one cycle without the injectables. I had two nice sized follicles with the Cl0mid, so that's a good start.

We will set everything up to make sure that if this cycle doesn't work that I will be able to do injectables for the next one. If that one falls through, I will truly be angry.

I can't believe that we're doing this for the 5th time.

New day, New donor

Blood test is out of the way. We are on to a new donor.

We weren't as picky this time around. We still believe that personality is more important that looks, but this donor is a big guy, just like my T is a big guy. He is strong in math, just like my sweetie is. He reported that he is stubborn, and my dear T has a stubborn streak, himself. He has at least one reported pregnancy, which our last donor did not. He had a family member who suffered from infertility and has a niece who was born via a donor, and that's when he decided to donate himself. He is not an open donor, but we are just going to live with that. His reason for not being open was that the parents that raise the child are the baby's real parents, and he doesn't think he should get involved. I can respect that. Though, if this works out and we would contact him one day, I hope he would be amenable.

Choosing was easier and much faster than I had anticipated. Our last stab at it was long and painful. I guess it's easier the second time around. We bought 4 vials.

I am still planning on using injectables. I'm terrified of multiples, but that feels sort of silly. I really don't want to have multiples. I know a lot of women think twins are great, but I don't. If I ended up with twins, I'd be okay with it, even though it wouldn't be my first choice. But I am completely and utterly terrified of more than that. I guess I shouldn't worry about it since I'm such a poor responder to injectables anyway.

Here's hoping that this guy works.

What is, and what I hope will be

I kept thinking how I would word the blog post that my negative was just an early false negative and that -- surprise, surprise -- I'm actually pregnant. I couldn't believe that this process wouldn't work for us yet again. When I woke up this morning, I contemplated taking another hpt, but I wasn't ready to see one line again. My bbt had dropped by a few points, and that was enough of a sign for me. And yet, here I am, still thinking that maybe it has just dipped, and if tomorrow my bbt is up, I will certainly pee on another stick. Is this a sickness? Have I lost all signs of sanity? Is it possible to go about normally in a normal world when this is how you think? Intellectually, I know that I am not pregnant. It's just, without any signs of bleeding or a blood test, I cannot completely let go. Why can I not let go?

I am thinking about letting go a lot. When is it time to let go of this quest to be pregnant and birth a live child? How much emotional energy must we spend? When do I know it is time to move on?

I am not ready to move on now. I'm giving myself about 6 more months. But in 6 months, I'm not sure I'll be able to do this any more.

I think about adoption all the time. Right now, I am too angry at the world to pursue it. Why should we have to spend our entire life savings to get what people make accidentally? Why, in order to save some money, do I have to not be able to raise my child from infancy? Why, when we got pregnant three times without any trouble can I not get pregnant now?

I have grieved infertility from the male side, but I guess I haven't grieved my side of it yet. It's funny, it's not the genetics that are getting me. It's the experience of seeing a child grow from nothing into something ready to exist outside its mother's body, to welcoming it to the world. I want to be part of that, and I'm not ready to give that up.

This is how I know that we will find some way to try IVF with the few eggs we get from me when we do IVF. Without the 1 in 10 chance of the translocation, it's possible that our few embryos will work. If that fails, maybe the expense of donor embryo is worth it for us, even if it's spending money for only a chance at something.

All of this is so damn hard. I can't believe that all of this shit has happened to us. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make myself believe that I'm truly and honestly not pregnant.

Negative

Took a test this morning. Of course, it was negative.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. We will find a new donor, probably do three rounds of IUI with injectibles, and then I don't know what. We found that one of the insurance options for T covers a total of 6 IUIs with ovulation induction (lifetime). So, at least we can do a couple of those on T's new insurance policy.

Should I find a new job to get coverage for IVF? That could work. Or should we move forward with one of our adoption options. Honestly, I think we will probably do both.

Meanwhile, we are again, just sad.

Crazy

This is the part of the 2ww where I go crazy. I'm constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I feel quite sore, and this makes me happy. Other times, I feel almost nothing and this makes me convinced that I'm not pregnant. Again.

I also constantly think about the quality of the soreness. Soreness on the insides of my breasts is just premenstrual cramping and it isn't hope inspiring. Soreness on the outsides of my breasts inspires hope. Soreness when I move them up and down is a good thing. The lighter the touch and the more the soreness, the happier I am.

I think I was more sore yesterday than I am today. That is not a good sign. Yesterday I was feeling pretty hopeful, but I am feeling much less hopeful today. I know there is just no way to know. I know that I will know soon. T has tried to forbid me from feeling myself up, but there's no real way he can do that.

I'm still planning on waiting until Tuesday to test.

I feel like I get more and more insane with each cycle.

Getting dark early

It's just after 4 and it's really starting to get dark. Winter is on its way.

It's one week since the dIUI. B00bs are the same. Slightly sore, but nothing notable. Not much going on in the uterine area. I do feel tender, sometimes, when I sit, but that is most likely leftover swelling from the Cl0mid. I am still hoping to hold out on the pee stick until Tuesday. I'm not very hopeful. But there's a tiny part of me that is. I hate waiting.

I haven't done much in the searching for what we're going to do if this cycle fails. We really need to go over donors to pick a new one, but we haven't even looked again at the finalists from last time around. I did read some adoption brochures. They made me cry.

Embryo donation is more expensive than I anticipated. It looks like it's close to $3000 just to get the embryos. Then we'd have to pay for meds and for the transfer. So, I'm guessing that the final total will be in the neighborhood of $7000 - $10,000. I'm not sure it's that much less expensive than IVF with my own eggs, so... I don't know. We're still in the beginning stages of all of this. I don't know how much FET meds are. No stims, I guess, so maybe it would be cheaper than the overall total I've mentioned, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, it isn't sounding that great at this time. But it's still on our radar.

I'm thinking of cleaning the kitchen and then making cookies. Oatmeal Scotchies, I think.

Nothing doing

I'm already feeling myself up to see if my b00bs are sore. It's only 5dpIUI.

Of course I think they might be a little sore. Of course I think I feel things in my uterus. I feel these things every time. If you look back at my blog, you'll see I'm convinced I'm pregnant every single cycle. Even when I'm not. Sometimes even after I start bleeding.

Right now, I'm hoping to wait until Tuesday before I POAS.

We've starting thinking about adoption. I still like the idea of using a donated embryo, but being very pro-choice (even after all of the crap I've been through) and I just can't stand the idea of giving money to an anti-choice organization. I have barely done any research, but I am hopeful that some of the organizations are about making families and not about 'saving babies.' Anyway, we are looking into domestic adoption. I'm not ready to start pursuing it yet, but I feel like we need to start thinking about it. If not for our first child, then maybe for our second. And maybe for both. And maybe not. I just hate how uncertain everything is. It's all so ambiguous.

I feel like our entire situation is ambiguous. Nothing has been decided for us. We don't have to use donor sperm. We could try on our own and possibly get pregnant. People with balanced translocations do it all the time. Granted, they have tons of miscarriages, but they have children, too. So, we could try on our own. We thought the donor thing would be faster. But I know T grieves the loss of passing on his genes. And though I have been pregnant three times from having s3x, I just can't seem to get pregnant from these dIUIs. At least not so far. Maybe my fertility has become quite compromised in the last year or so. We don't know. We have every possibility in front of us. I realize that everybody going through this has choices to make, but sometimes things are decided for you. I feel like nothing has been decided for us. It's all just up to us and what we think we want to do. We have to guess at what will be the best (and quickest) thing for us.

T is in a bad way. He's just so sad again. Almost despondent, really. I'm not sure what causes his ups and downs. Talking about adoption in therapy made me cry. Maybe that was part of it. He's just been sad for the past few days aside from that, though. Last night he asked what if having a baby doesn't make things better for us. He's worried that our sadness will stay around no matter what. We've been sad our entire married lives. I got pregnant for the first time one month after we were married. I miscarried at 5 weeks. We've been struggling ever since. He just can't imagine that once we have a baby we will feel better. He feels like we've put all our eggs in one basket (so to speak). He's afraid that having a baby won't fix that ache he has in his heart. I told him I really thought it would be better, but I can't promise that. I don't really know for sure. I imagine it is true. I can't imagine that things won't be better once we finally get a baby some day. Other things will move in to bring us troubles -- things will never be perfect. But I think they will be better. I wish I could get him to believe that. I really don't think he does. It makes me so sad to know how sad he is. I'm still trying to not be too sad. It's not working as well as it did last cycle.

It's all just too much.

Nothing and Everything

I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.

Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.

Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.

I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.

dIUI #4 complete

We had the IUI this morning. The sperm count, as usual, was excellent. 38 million, 59% motility, moving in the right direction. The timing should be good, so am I allowed to hope this time? I know I hope every time, but I feel like it is with a good bunch of skepticism. We shall see.

In the meantime, we will pick out a new donor for next cycle, should we need it. My mother also got the name of an adoption agency from a friend of the family. If this cycle doesn't work, I think we may just get some paperwork done so that, if we decide on adoption, we can have paperwork done ahead of time. This friend had a domestic adoption. I really, really want an infant, so it would have to be domestic adoption for us, if that's what we want. I also need to start doing embryo adoption research. Does anybody know anything about it? I thought our RE's office had a program, but they don't. I'm just worried that an embryo adoption place will just be full of fundie freakiness. I don't want to have anything to do with that. And yet, I would be happy to adopt someone's leftover frozen embryos. Why not? Oy.

Has anyone seen the maxi pad commercial with the pad on a mechanical bull? T saw me watching that commercial and just started laughing at the look on my face. What the hell is that about? So, so stupid. Clearly written by men.