Nothing and Everything

I sometimes still read blogs, but I honestly have dropped off in that area. I check in on a few, but I rarely comment anymore. And because I don't really participate anymore, I realize that not as many people will participate in my blog. I am fine with that. It's only fair. If other people's blogs make me sad, it only comes to reason that my blog probably makes other people sad. I do appreciate every comment that everyone leaves for me. Thank you for that.

Other people's blogs make me pretty sad these days. There are only a small handful of people who were in the thick of things when I first started that aren't pregnant. This makes me incredibly sad. I wish I could be a bigger person and be happy for all of the people for whom fertility treatments have worked. And in a way, I am happy for people. I often say I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. And it's true. I am so glad when people are able to achieve pregnancy (or adopt) and can get out of this hell hole of infertility. But that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to hear about other's pregnancies. I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to people. It has happened to me, and I absolutely do not want anybody to have to go through that. But again, I still find it difficult to read about heartbeats and milestones and symptoms and preparing for baby. I just can't deal.

Honestly, I also often feel resentful of people who are able to achieve pregnancies where there is a full genetic connection with both parents. I get jealous very easily these days. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help feeling that way. I know it will ease once I finally find my way out of this hell.

I know some day that all of this will be over for me, whether it is achieving pregnancy somehow or adopting. And I expect this blog to change when that happens. But it is difficult for me to imagine that day happening. And until then, this is all that remains.

Still waiting

Today is 5 dpo. Every time I pee, I feel myself up to see if my b00bs hurt. They don't. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I want them to hurt. Still temping, but that doesn't tell me anything either. I just need to wait. Waiting sucks.

Had a lovely dinner with a fellow BT-er. It's so nice to be able to sit and talk about all of this stuff frankly, without worrying about boring the other person with infertility stories. I was telling her that in the throes of my whirlwind IVF cycles, I truly had nothing to say to fertiles with kids or friends who have chosen childlessness. I couldn't talk about anything other than my cycle.

Now it seems I can't tire of telling my story. Our story. It's definitely a story of both T and me, but I'm the sharer in the family. I just want to tell it to anyone and everyone. I'm not sure why it's so cathartic to share my story. I mean, it clearly works for me, which is why I have this blog. But when someone emails me out of the blue, or if I email someone and they respond, somewhere in that communication is this story.

I wonder if this is the story we will share with our child. I mean, in the beginning it will need some amending. We don't need to include all of the heartbreak. The heartbreak will not be there for our child. Her life will simply be her life, and we want her to to be proud of that life and have no shame in it. So, we're going to have to learn how to frame this story so that it has less heartbreak and more happiness.

I'm sure that will be much easier when we have an actual, real live baby around. It's pretty difficult to imagine right now.

Hopefully, I only have one more week at work. There is a chance that I will have to go in for a couple of more days after that, but I'm hopeful that I can wrap everything up by next week. We shall see. I am so thankful that I quit this job. People at work have been telling me that I look much happier now that I gave my notice. So, it must have been the right decision. Tomorrow I have an interview with a temp agency and an interview with a recruiter for a specific job. All good.

Thoughts on being open

My understanding of being open with a child about his or her origins means making sure she (I will refer to said child as she for the rest of this post, simply because it is easier) has always known about them. That means, before she can talk or read or understand, we are going to repeat her story to her. Her story is her story. It isn't good; it isn't bad; it is simply her story. She will grow up knowing it, and though she may not fully understand its implications, she will have no memory of not knowing it.

I am going to put together a book and read it like a good night story to her. Every child loves to hear her birth story, and our child will be no different. Her story may be a little different, but she will simply always know it as her story and will not know any different. It will simply be a small part of who she is.

When she is four, she may decide to tell random people parts of her story. She may react to something someone says to her with parts of her story. Her story will be out there. The question is how to prepare others for this possible situation.

T and I need to talk about this. I think it is better if people just know. I think he doesn't want to share as much. I don't mean that we should tell strangers on the street, but some of his closer coworkers, maybe. Aunts and uncles and cousins should know. If people know, they will not be shocked if it comes out of the kid. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply part of who she is. If it is just the way it is, then why wouldn't everybody know?

I don't know how T will feel about this. I don't know when it will be time to share the information with other people. I do know that we have to absorb this information into our lives and accept it with our hearts and our souls because this is how we are going to bring our child into the world. And we have to share this with our child completely.

ovulation

My bbt went up this morning indicating ovulation, so the timing of the IUI could not have been better. I think we're both doing okay with things. T is less sad than he thought he would be. I think I am where I expected to be -- sad, but hopeful.

I keep wanting to do things to increase the chances of success, but I know there isn't anything I can do (or stop doing) to make the chances of becoming pregnant go up. It's a crap shoot. So I am continuing to knit, continuing to search for a job, and just doing whatever it is I normally do. I went for a walk this morning -- I am trying to keep up with exercising.

I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I think I want to discuss disclosure with her. Like, once I finally do get pregnant (notice the positive slant there?), how do we or do we not disclose the donor issue? Do we just say something if someone asks a probing question? Do we not disclose anything? We don't want to lie, and we don't want anyone to think it's a 'secret' but at the same time, it's not something we plan on singing from the rooftops, I guess. Though, I am really bad at keeping things in. I have a tendency to over share. So, I'm not sure how to resolve all of those issues. But I really think my therapist will have a good idea about how to handle all of this.

So, today is 1dpo. How early can I poas?

Lovely Weather

Today was beautiful. E&R came over with baby S and I gave them the hat. It fits him perfectly! It was gorgeous out, so we took a walk to a popular city square near our house and had lunch. I think I got a little sunburn on my neck, but the weather was lovely, and it was great to get the exercise. Little S is really getting big. He's standing up well and moving around while holding on to things. He looks and acts so much like R, it honestly makes me a little sad. I look in his face and I see R. I just think about how we will look in our child's face and without even knowing it, we will see the donor. I mean, I know we will love our child and everything will be fine. And I know we will even see parts of T in our child. But it will just never be like the way I see R in baby S, and that just makes me sad. I honestly don't think that part of the loss will ever completely go away. I think it will diminish some once we have a baby to love, but I don't think it will ever completely go away.

I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.

It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.

Week End

First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.

And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.

But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.

That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.

I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?

When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.

I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.

I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.

For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.