worries

I managed to get and take the Cl0mid last night. I have decided to consider that a good thing. It ups our chances. Maybe we can get this thing done. Maybe this ordeal will be over for a while. Maybe I can feel like we're moving on.

So, last night I slept like crap. Oh, I should mention that I accepted a month long temp job starting on Tuesday. So, of course I was up for about an hour between 2:37 and 3:23 or so worrying whether this temp job will be flexible enough to accommodate my needs. Rosh Hashana is on Sept 13, and I will need that day off. Not to mention I have to leave early to go pick up the sperm from the sperm bank at some point. And then, I think I want to take the day for my IUI. I want to do something akin to bed rest that day, I think. But I don't know which day the IUI will be. So, of course I was up for that hour worrying about that. Isn't that stupid?

I hated my job and I finally quit, but I always knew I could kind of make my schedule as I needed to. So, it's odd that I am more stressed now that I do not have my stressful job. But the temp job sounds pretty easy, is really close by, and pays a decent rate. And it's for one month, which is not very long. So, I think I should do it. It probably won't be a problem if I come in a little late or have to leave a little early a couple of times -- and if I need a couple of days off. I'm going to talk to the woman at the temp agency to make sure I'm up front about it.

I also have an interview for a part time job. But it's only like 10-15 hours a week, and I don't know what I'd do for the other hours of the week. I guess I don't need to worry about it too much unless I'm offered the job. It's with a professional organizer, which I just think is so cool, and there is room to grow if I want. I like that idea. And I like the idea of part time. But I'd rather work 20-30 hours. I don't know.

So, here it is CD 6. The IUI will be in about a week. I'm extremely nervous about it. This will be my 8th attempt at conceiving a viable child. (3 pregnancies, 3 IVFs and 1 dIUI are behind me. I'm not counting all the regular s.ex we had when we didn't conceive.) This feels like a lot. And all of this has occurred within two years. It's crazy. It's non-stop. It has f#cked up our entire married life. I want a break. I need a break. But I can't take a break until I know a baby is on its way.

Gooooooo Cl0mid!

Cl0mid Wednesday

I talked to my RE. He said that Cl0mid certainly won't hurt anything, so why not? It does increase the chance of twinning, which makes me very nervous, but it is a risk I'm willing to take to get this damn thing done already. I hate to make it sound that way, but that's how I'm feeling about it. He said he'd have somebody call in the prescription for me.

Of course, when I went down to pick up the prescription, there was no record of anybody calling it in. So I had to call the RE's office and leave a message. And now I'm getting nervous that it won't be called in on time and I won't be able to take it today.

Today was my last day at my job. I have nothing lined up. I feel horribly about it, but I guess I should be able to temp. I'm looking at other jobs too, but the problem is that I don't know what I want. Full time? Part time? How much of a pay cut am I willing to take? I have absolutely no idea.

But for now, I just need to focus on getting those Cl0mid pills in my hands. I have an hour before the RE's office closes.

**UPDATE**
The pharmacy received the prescription. I can breathe now.

**UPDATE 2**
My insurance isn't covering the medicine. It's not that expensive and I can just pay it out of pocket. I know others pay for much more (aka everything) out of pocket, but it just feels like a kick in the gut when I'm down. In this state, there is no reason why it wouldn't be covered. But maybe I'll fight it later.

New week

It's a new week, and I'm feeling slightly better. The family get-together wasn't horrible. It was up in Maine, and T and I decided to take the long way home and make a little road trip of it. It was certainly better than sitting at home feeling sad. There was an occasional job question that I had to avoid a little bit, but other than that, things went fine.

Sunday we took care of my two nieces for a bit. When I was a teacher and teaching 6th grade, I remember wondering what my nieces and nephew were going to be like when they were in 6th grade. Well, two of them are entering 5th grade now, so I'm seeing what they're like. It's funny when the "I wonder what" things come to fruition and are there right before you.

I met with my fourth temp agency today. I should be able to find some work between the four of them. My last day at work should be on Wednesday. I'm still relieved that I'm not there anymore. This was a good decision.

I have a phone call with my RE on Wednesday. Wednesday will be CD 5, so it may be too late for the Cl0mid. I forget which day most people take it on, but it's definitely early on. So, I guess I'm planning on another unmedicated cycle, and then if this one doesn't work I will definitely be using it next time. I will find out more details on this on Wednesday.

It's official

As expected, the blood test came back negative. I just can't believe this is my life. How much crap is a person expected to go through?

We're going to a family get together tomorrow, and I'm really dreading it. I have absolutely nothing 'surface' to talk to anybody about.

So, Rachel. How's work?
I quit my job.
Do you have something else lined up?
No.
So, do you think about starting a family?
Yup. We hope to someday.
[Awkward silence.]

Yay! Won't it be fun?

I don't know what else to do but plan for another IUI. I have a phone call scheduled with my RE on Wednesday. My only coping mechanism is to keep going forward. But I'm starting to feel like I am insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over and each time, I expect a different result. How much of my sanity do I have to sacrifice?

I know it's realistic to expect one of our dIUIs to work. Often, the first one doesn't work. I just feel like I've paid my dues and then some. I see nearly everyone around me getting pregnant and moving forward. There are a few who have pursued a different avenue, but I still feel like I'm doing the same things I was doing before, whereas they have been able to move forward with something else. The people I started blogging with are generally no longer undergoing treatment. They've moved on to other things: usually pregnancy, but some have moved to adoption or to living w/o children. I feel completely left behind.

I'm trying to come up with other options for us, but I just don't see what they are right now. I know I could never, ever opt to live w/o children. I totally understand other people's choice to do this. I know and respect someone who made that choice after many failed treatments. I just know that I want children.

I keep thinking about adoption, but it scares me mostly because it takes so long, and because you usually adopt an older child. I know it is our back up, and if it is I constantly wonder if we should start some paperwork now. I mean, if we're going to have to wait 2 or 3 years, why not start now? But I just haven't wrapped my mind around it that much. I hear so much about the legal status of international adoption changing so much, and they're putting health restrictions on prospective parents that I'm not sure we would pass. I'm uncomfortable at the idea of a home inspection and the intrusive questions. I mean, if the DS doesn't work, we will definitely take this route, but it hasn't been in my mind much.

In the end, I just want this to be over. I am mentally exhausted by this roller coaster. I have suffered enough. My husband is worried about my mental health, and frankly I'm worried for myself too. I just want to not think about any of this for a while.

But taking a break is just not an option for me right now. I can't do it. I have to keep moving forward and trying and trying.

Someday, maybe it will be me who's moving forward. And the only way to get there is by trying.

Negative again

It's over, as far as I'm concerned. The test on 11 dpo with first morning urine was negative. It was pure white. Not a hint of HcG in my urine. dIUI #1 is a bust. I have my blood test on Friday, but it will simply confirm what I already know.

I caved (with update)

I caved and I peed on a stick. There was no hint of anything. There isn't even an evaporation line I can pretend is a positive. I know it's early, and it could change, but I'm doubtful it will.

My first two pregnancies, I had extremely sore b00bs starting around 8dpo. I don't have a hint of anything now. I do feel some weirdness in my uterus, but I had that after my transfer, and that was a BFN too.

I'm sure I will test again, but I'm feeling pretty confident they will also be negatives.

Now the question is, should I bother to try Cl0mid?

P.S. My bbt is also going down slowly, which does not point toward positivity, either.

Thoughts while waiting

T and I had a discussion about taking an hpt. He agrees with me that it's a bad idea to test in the morning before I go to work. He thinks it's too early to do it tomorrow (9 dpo). So, I'm not going to test tomorrow. I may test Tuesday after work, when I'll have some time with the result afterward. If I chicken out and don't test one evening this week, I will definitely test before my beta on Friday. I know I will want to know then.

In other news, I still don't really have any symptoms. Well, except for my breakdown tonight. I grilled hamburgers tonight, and they were unusually large and thick hamburgers. I cooked them longer than the smaller hamburgers I usually make. Still, T's burger wasn't cooked in the middle. It must have found a cold spot on the grill. Upon the discovery that his burger wasn't completely cooked, I had a meltdown. I stormed out of the room and started crying. T cooked his hamburger further, and it ended up being fine, but I just had a complete meltdown over this under done hamburger. This is not usual behavior for me. Yes, I get frustrated by things like this, but not usually enough to storm out and cry. I'd normally just swear about it and move on, but not tonight, ladies (and gentlemen?).

One week

It's now been one week since my IUI. I did okay for this first week. I've been trying not to think about it. But now I'm starting to freak out a little. I don't have any symptoms, but that's not really that surprising. I have had some uterine twinges for several days, but that doesn't make any sense as implantation supposedly does not occur until around 8dpo. So, I'm not sure what that's about, but I think it was previously making me optimistic. Yesterday, I thought that maybe my b00bs were getting tender, but I think I was just making it up because that's what I wanted to happen.

Today I am not optimistic. I'm becoming convinced that it didn't work. Of course, I have no idea. It's impossible to know. But now I'm getting scared to poas. I don't know if I want to know. I mean, I want to know if it's positive, but what if it's not? Can I go to work and finish up there if I know my pee stick was negative? But the thought of not using it is unfathomable. I need to know. I'm an information person. So, Monday may be my first stick day, but maybe I'll chicken out. We'll see.

This wait is just so frustrating!

Still waiting

Today is 5 dpo. Every time I pee, I feel myself up to see if my b00bs hurt. They don't. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I want them to hurt. Still temping, but that doesn't tell me anything either. I just need to wait. Waiting sucks.

Had a lovely dinner with a fellow BT-er. It's so nice to be able to sit and talk about all of this stuff frankly, without worrying about boring the other person with infertility stories. I was telling her that in the throes of my whirlwind IVF cycles, I truly had nothing to say to fertiles with kids or friends who have chosen childlessness. I couldn't talk about anything other than my cycle.

Now it seems I can't tire of telling my story. Our story. It's definitely a story of both T and me, but I'm the sharer in the family. I just want to tell it to anyone and everyone. I'm not sure why it's so cathartic to share my story. I mean, it clearly works for me, which is why I have this blog. But when someone emails me out of the blue, or if I email someone and they respond, somewhere in that communication is this story.

I wonder if this is the story we will share with our child. I mean, in the beginning it will need some amending. We don't need to include all of the heartbreak. The heartbreak will not be there for our child. Her life will simply be her life, and we want her to to be proud of that life and have no shame in it. So, we're going to have to learn how to frame this story so that it has less heartbreak and more happiness.

I'm sure that will be much easier when we have an actual, real live baby around. It's pretty difficult to imagine right now.

Hopefully, I only have one more week at work. There is a chance that I will have to go in for a couple of more days after that, but I'm hopeful that I can wrap everything up by next week. We shall see. I am so thankful that I quit this job. People at work have been telling me that I look much happier now that I gave my notice. So, it must have been the right decision. Tomorrow I have an interview with a temp agency and an interview with a recruiter for a specific job. All good.

Another eventful day in the life of Rachel

I gave my notice at work today. I finally had it. I have a co-worker who is a bit of a b!tch, and she sent me a scathing email for supposedly making a tiny mistake. I'm still not convinced I'm the one that made the mistake, but that's sort of beside the point. As you probably recall, I've been hating my job for some time now, so I finally just decided to call it quits. As I'm only working part time now, I figured temping will give me just as much money if not more, and at least I can know that each job is only temporary. I just couldn't stand the negative vibes at that place any more. So, I'm hoping my last day is Aug 24, but we shall see. Now that I have given my notice, I do feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I know it's the right thing to do.

That being said, I still feel like sh!t about my work situation. I'm lucky in that T makes a good income, and if mine isn't steady we won't go bankrupt and lose our house. And I also know that I help us as a couple by organizing everything, cooking and doing most of the cleaning, taking care of the laundry and other general household stuff. I know that is not nothing. But I still feel guilty not having some sort of reasonable income. I mean, I have a Master's Degree for god's sake. I should be able to have some sort of reasonable job. But my last two jobs have been so crappy. It's made dealing with all of this IF stuff even worse because I have no calm time. I feel like I've made poor choices for myself, even though much of what has happened has been beyond my control. I am going to try really hard to not take a job unless I'm absolutely sure that it's right for me this time. In the mean time, I will temp or find some sort of shit job of some sort. I know my sanity is of utmost importance, but I have a guilt problem. I can find a way to feel guilty about anything.

I'm lucky in that T is so supportive of me. He knows that my job has been eating me up, and I showed him the emails from the b!tch co-worker, and he agreed with me that it was time to give my notice. I know it is the right thing for me, but I do worry about my future with work. Maybe temping will help me find something I can live with for a little while.

Thoughts on being open

My understanding of being open with a child about his or her origins means making sure she (I will refer to said child as she for the rest of this post, simply because it is easier) has always known about them. That means, before she can talk or read or understand, we are going to repeat her story to her. Her story is her story. It isn't good; it isn't bad; it is simply her story. She will grow up knowing it, and though she may not fully understand its implications, she will have no memory of not knowing it.

I am going to put together a book and read it like a good night story to her. Every child loves to hear her birth story, and our child will be no different. Her story may be a little different, but she will simply always know it as her story and will not know any different. It will simply be a small part of who she is.

When she is four, she may decide to tell random people parts of her story. She may react to something someone says to her with parts of her story. Her story will be out there. The question is how to prepare others for this possible situation.

T and I need to talk about this. I think it is better if people just know. I think he doesn't want to share as much. I don't mean that we should tell strangers on the street, but some of his closer coworkers, maybe. Aunts and uncles and cousins should know. If people know, they will not be shocked if it comes out of the kid. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply part of who she is. If it is just the way it is, then why wouldn't everybody know?

I don't know how T will feel about this. I don't know when it will be time to share the information with other people. I do know that we have to absorb this information into our lives and accept it with our hearts and our souls because this is how we are going to bring our child into the world. And we have to share this with our child completely.

ovulation

My bbt went up this morning indicating ovulation, so the timing of the IUI could not have been better. I think we're both doing okay with things. T is less sad than he thought he would be. I think I am where I expected to be -- sad, but hopeful.

I keep wanting to do things to increase the chances of success, but I know there isn't anything I can do (or stop doing) to make the chances of becoming pregnant go up. It's a crap shoot. So I am continuing to knit, continuing to search for a job, and just doing whatever it is I normally do. I went for a walk this morning -- I am trying to keep up with exercising.

I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I think I want to discuss disclosure with her. Like, once I finally do get pregnant (notice the positive slant there?), how do we or do we not disclose the donor issue? Do we just say something if someone asks a probing question? Do we not disclose anything? We don't want to lie, and we don't want anyone to think it's a 'secret' but at the same time, it's not something we plan on singing from the rooftops, I guess. Though, I am really bad at keeping things in. I have a tendency to over share. So, I'm not sure how to resolve all of those issues. But I really think my therapist will have a good idea about how to handle all of this.

So, today is 1dpo. How early can I poas?

Now We Wait

It's done.

Yesterday I picked up the sperm and brought it home. It is in this HUGE tank and I had to strap it in the back seat and secure it with the seatbelt. When I saw what was in that HUGE tank, I looked at it and said to the nurse, "That's it? Did you know that cost $520?" Her eyes got wide. I don't think she knew how expensive donor sperm was. And it was the tiniest bit of sem.en I have ever seen. It was pre-washed, but it was really mind boggling how tiny that little bit of sperm that so many of our hopes are piled into was.

The numbers were excellent. The count was 38 million, and this was after washing. The motility was good. I don't remember the exact number, but it was definitely a good. The only thing that wasn't stellar was the 'retrograde' motion. They like to see it at a 2 or a 3 (it goes up to 4 with 4 being best) and the sample was only a 2. But hopefully since it was already up there in the uterus, that won't matter too much.

The procedure was pretty easy. There was a bit of cramping, both during and after, but it was pretty easy. After doing IVF, an natural IUI was a breeze.

We both cried a little this morning. We were both nervous. But we both knew it was a means to an end, and this is what we had to do. My beta is scheduled for Friday the 24th. But I'm a stick pee-er, and I will definitely test before that. Especially since Mary Ellen gave me a bunch of the bulk tests she bought.

So, we're off. A new kind of 2ww. Please let this work. Please.

covered

I called the RE's office yesterday, and the word had come in that day that we are covered for our procedure. Now we know where we're going! So, I called the appropriate nurse and discussed things, and I told them that I was bringing the vial of sperm in myself. We still haven't signed all of the consent forms, so we're going to have to do that too.

And, I got a positive OPK this morning, so the dIUI will be tomorrow. I still have butterflies when I say this, but this is it. Here we go.

So, I am both scheduling the IUI and picking up the vial of sperm today. Tomorrow will be the procedure, and then I'm launching into another 2ww. Oy. And I only have one HPT in the house.

I got my hair cut last night, and in the spirit of conversation the woman cutting my hair asked if I had any plans this weekend. I just had to say, "No." Though we are going to be open, "I'm having a dIUI!" is not how I'm going to answer this question. I am injecting the sperm of some man I have never met before into my uterus this weekend. That ain't nothing. That is huge. But I've been very adamant of telling people, even people who know, that things are happening "soon" and not giving dates. If we were having se.x, no one would be asking for exact dates. So "soon" will have to do. I will tell them when (please, let it be a when!) we are pregnant. There are a couple of people we will tell early on -- people who I would tell I had another miscarriage if that were to happen. But I'm trying to keep this process as normal (ha!) as possible.

It's here!

Just as ultimatejourney suggested, my cm has shown up. It's not the fertile kind yet, but the fact that any was there at all is of great comfort to me. I used an OPK this morning just for peace of mind. No surge yet (which I was expecting) but at least I know for sure and I won't be freaking out all day. I also ordered the sperm. It will get here tomorrow and I will go pick up my vial in the afternoon in case we need to use it this weekend. We still don't know where we're going to have the IUI done and we still haven't heard from insurance.

As far as interviews go, the one on Tuesday went well. I have this hesitating feeling about the woman who interviewed me, though. And right now I'm not sure I could take a job where I have this hesitation. It's still early, and I have no idea if I'm going in for a second interview, never mind get an offer, but I'm not quite certain I would take it if it were offered to me. Luckily, I have another interview today. It's for a much more simple, straight forward position that feels really appealing right now. Of course, I need to go to the interview to see what it will really be like, but if I am pretty much left alone to do this simple work, that might be just the type of job I should take right now. I want something that will keep me busy all day, but won't have too much emotional stress. And I want a job that I will feel comfortable quitting once it is finally (finally!) time to have a baby in our home. So, we'll see.

T is sort of freaking out now that the fertile time is near. He's really scared and sad about all this. I can tell him I think everything will be okay, but there is little I can do to truly make him feel better about it. He went to a little work outing yesterday and a couple of people asked him, "When are there going to be little Ts running around?" It was all he could do to not say, "Never." This breaks my heart.

This is about cm, so if you don't want to know, don't read it

Has my fertile time gone? Today is CD 11. I have yet to see any cm. I went over my older charts and it's not the first time I haven't had cm by CD 11, but I should be seeing some. I need to order the sperm, and I want to order it when I know I'll use it within a week. But the only way I'll know that is if I see some cm and I know the LH surge will be coming. I haven't peed on an OPK yet, but I will tomorrow morning, even though I still have no cm. I was planning on doing it at my first hint of cm, but I cannot wait any longer.

I'm sort of worried that 6 months of being on crazy amounts of hormones has forever altered my cycle. I'm also worried that the stress of worrying about my fertile time is going to delay ovulation. Which stresses me out. Anyone else see a pattern here?

Yes, I'm over worried. But I want to see some damn cm so I can get this damn dIUI out of the way.

I'm going to order the sperm right now.

Ah, baby making. Isn't it romantic?

Lovely Weather

Today was beautiful. E&R came over with baby S and I gave them the hat. It fits him perfectly! It was gorgeous out, so we took a walk to a popular city square near our house and had lunch. I think I got a little sunburn on my neck, but the weather was lovely, and it was great to get the exercise. Little S is really getting big. He's standing up well and moving around while holding on to things. He looks and acts so much like R, it honestly makes me a little sad. I look in his face and I see R. I just think about how we will look in our child's face and without even knowing it, we will see the donor. I mean, I know we will love our child and everything will be fine. And I know we will even see parts of T in our child. But it will just never be like the way I see R in baby S, and that just makes me sad. I honestly don't think that part of the loss will ever completely go away. I think it will diminish some once we have a baby to love, but I don't think it will ever completely go away.

I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.

Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.

It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.

Today

Today T took the day off of work and we spent the day together. We went out for a wonderful breakfast and then did a bunch of errands. Then we sat in the air conditioning and watched a movie. I knitted. Oh! The other day I made baby S the cutest little hat! Here is a picture of it.


Forgive the cashew bin and our messy bed. :) We are going to see E&R and baby S on Sunday. I will give it to them then. Is it weird to give someone a winter hat in August when it's like 95 degrees out?

The meeting with the midwife went pretty well. If we don't get insurance coverage, we will go there. And even if we do get coverage, if it works maybe we'll go there for care and monitoring and stuff. I'm really not terribly fond of my former OB. When she told me the news of T's translocation, she just kind of brushed it off and said IVF with PGD should work and she thought she'd see me again in a couple of months. Ha! That was in April 2006.

Anyway, days keep passing, and every day is closer to the dIUI. I called the RE and the insurance company, but still no word. I still haven't ordered the sperm yet, but I was told by someone at the bank to not order it until I'm just about ready to use it, which will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. The ordering, that is. The using will be somewhere between Thursday and Monday, I think. I guess it's good that the plan is to do it on one of my days off. Though weekends are slightly more complicated, especially at the midwife's. But whatever it is, it is.

Oh, and I have a job interview! On Tuesday! Yay me!

Decisions, Decisions

Things are definitely moving forward. We decided on a donor (as I've mentioned before). We decided to open 2 years worth of sperm storage. We decided to purchase 4 vials initially. I submitted the storage paperwork today. The paperwork is crazy. I shouldn't purchase the sperm and have it shipped until I know I can use it within 7 days. 3 vials will go into storage and one will be picked up by me for me to bring to my IUI. I usually ovulate on day 14, so the IUI should be on day 13, if that's when I do in fact have my LH surge. Today is day 4. So, I'm not going to order it for another week. It only takes one day to get there.

Every time I think about this dIUI I get butterflies in my stomach.

I'm also concerned about using the OPKs. I got advice to buy the digital ones, but they are so freaking expensive that I didn't buy them. That was, of course, before I mentioned them on here. So now I'm also nervous about not interpreting the OPKs properly. What if I miss it? I cannot miss this cycle. Should I just pee on an OPK now to see what the lines look like? Oy!

So, this is going to happen soon! There go those butterflies again.

Tomorrow we are meeting with the midwife who does dIUIs. Since we are shipping the vials to Cambridge and we can pick them up in person, it doesn't matter if we do the IUI with the RE or with the midwife. We can just pick it up and bring it where we need to bring it. Still no word on insurance.

This is going to happen soon!!