It's official

As expected, the blood test came back negative. I just can't believe this is my life. How much crap is a person expected to go through?

We're going to a family get together tomorrow, and I'm really dreading it. I have absolutely nothing 'surface' to talk to anybody about.

So, Rachel. How's work?
I quit my job.
Do you have something else lined up?
No.
So, do you think about starting a family?
Yup. We hope to someday.
[Awkward silence.]

Yay! Won't it be fun?

I don't know what else to do but plan for another IUI. I have a phone call scheduled with my RE on Wednesday. My only coping mechanism is to keep going forward. But I'm starting to feel like I am insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over and each time, I expect a different result. How much of my sanity do I have to sacrifice?

I know it's realistic to expect one of our dIUIs to work. Often, the first one doesn't work. I just feel like I've paid my dues and then some. I see nearly everyone around me getting pregnant and moving forward. There are a few who have pursued a different avenue, but I still feel like I'm doing the same things I was doing before, whereas they have been able to move forward with something else. The people I started blogging with are generally no longer undergoing treatment. They've moved on to other things: usually pregnancy, but some have moved to adoption or to living w/o children. I feel completely left behind.

I'm trying to come up with other options for us, but I just don't see what they are right now. I know I could never, ever opt to live w/o children. I totally understand other people's choice to do this. I know and respect someone who made that choice after many failed treatments. I just know that I want children.

I keep thinking about adoption, but it scares me mostly because it takes so long, and because you usually adopt an older child. I know it is our back up, and if it is I constantly wonder if we should start some paperwork now. I mean, if we're going to have to wait 2 or 3 years, why not start now? But I just haven't wrapped my mind around it that much. I hear so much about the legal status of international adoption changing so much, and they're putting health restrictions on prospective parents that I'm not sure we would pass. I'm uncomfortable at the idea of a home inspection and the intrusive questions. I mean, if the DS doesn't work, we will definitely take this route, but it hasn't been in my mind much.

In the end, I just want this to be over. I am mentally exhausted by this roller coaster. I have suffered enough. My husband is worried about my mental health, and frankly I'm worried for myself too. I just want to not think about any of this for a while.

But taking a break is just not an option for me right now. I can't do it. I have to keep moving forward and trying and trying.

Someday, maybe it will be me who's moving forward. And the only way to get there is by trying.