Blogging

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging or not. I may take a break for a while. I've never had much in the way of readership (which is fine with me) and I've used this blog as a catharsis. I'm doing pretty well these days and I'm just not sure I feel like taking the time to blog. This is pretty obvious as I haven't been blogging that often lately. I may find the need to blog again in which case I will. But expect posts to be few and far between.

One thing I wanted to say before I take my break is kind of weird to say and I don't really know how to start. I guess I have read other people's blogs who have said that they're thankful in some ways for all of the trouble they had with infertility because without it they wouldn't have their child. I do not feel this way. I love Henry so much I could never put it in to words, and I feel my love for him grow bigger every single day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I believe our match with CC and O. was an excellent one and everything worked out. That being said, I also believe that if we didn't struggle in the way we did, we'd love the child we had as much as we love Henry, and we wouldn't have had to suffer nearly as much. I guess I just don't believe in fate or in things that are "meant to be." I do, however, believe in the way things are, and right now things are good.

Henry and me in a ring sling I made. It needs a little more work.

Thankful

Too much fun

Someone had a little too much fun in his ExerSaucer.

Final

Today was the court hearing to finalize Henry's adoption.

Though he has always been our son in our hearts, today Henry is officially our son according to the law. We love you, Henry. And we thank CC & O. for such a gift. You will forever be his first parents and we know how much you love him, too.

Trying

A friend told me that she and her husband are going to start trying to have a baby. Her husband has said for 40 years (he's over 40) that he didn't want kids, but she decided she did and in order for them to stay together he changed his mind.

I'm trying to figure out how I can remain friends with her if/when she gets pregnant. I'm really not sure I can take it.

I feel like them having kids is a disaster.

Of course it's none of my business and I haven't said anything to her. I'm not sure she'll understand my difficulty around this now that we have Henry. Henry is the best thing that has ever happened to me (aside from marrying T) but I still will have a very difficult time with the fact that my friend's husband will most likely have a biological child after speaking out and fighting against that idea for over 40 years.

Edited to clarify:

Husband is over 40 years old. They have not been married 40 years. He's just "always known" he's never wanted kids for his entire life. Wife was undecided. Until now.

CC and O.

I emailed CC and O. yesterday with Henry's 3 month update. I included many of the adorable pictures I have posted here. And CC emailed me back! I am delighted. She sounds really good and she definitely adores the pictures. She sees how much Henry looks like O. (he really does) and she even said in her letter, "I'm just glad he's happy and healthy and we made the right choice." We also asked a few questions about their family and got some answers. This is what openness is all about.

I am over the moon that she responded! I am so glad that she sounded like she is doing so well. I hope O. is doing as well as she is.

Hearing back from CC has renewed my faith in the openness of Henry's adoption. This has made my day.

Oops, Henry is stirring from his nap!

We have a finalization date

We have a court date and it's in only a few weeks. Before Thanksgiving and our 4th anniversary. Wow.

Things are good. Henry is really growing and changing. He has awake days and sleepy days and days he doesn't eat much and hungry days (like today). He's definitely napping a lot less, and will sometimes fight sleep so much until he's screaming because he's so tired. That's not much fun. But he's generally a delight. He smiles with his entire body -- his arms and legs wave around. He looks at me with such an intense love, it's crazy. I mean, I feel like he can barely be aware enough of himself to keep his thumb in his mouth, but he can look at me with adoration in his eyes.

Today would have been the day I would have had to return to work. Needless to say, I am glad I didn't have to wake Henry up and drop him off at daycare. I am thankful that I can stay with him all day.

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

This is the statement in Heather's Open Adoption Roundtable that struck me the most, so I am going to react to this one.

The fact of the matter is, adoption robs a child of a 'normal' childhood whether it is open or not. To be raised by parents who are not related to you biologically is not the way most people have created a family. If you are telling your child that he or she is adopted, there will always be issues around adoption, whether the adoption is open or not.

I am coming at openness in my adoption from a semi-open perspective. My son is only 3 months old and we have lots of time to cultivate openness. I am trying to communicating with his birth parents more often than the 'official' agreement dictates. I have sent notes and pictures to his birth parents, though they have only responded once, back when Henry was only a week old. I will continue to send them updates at a rate that I am comfortable with (more than once per year which is what I agreed to at placement) unless I hear from them or through my agency that they don't want to get them any more. I am disappointed that I do not get any response from them, but I know things must be difficult for them and I am trying to be understanding and give them space. I hope that in time they will be able to respond and send us pictures for us to show Henry. I am hopeful that one day we can meet each other again. I felt a strong bond with them when we spent those first 2 days of Henry's life together in the hospital. I want Henry to know that bond.

To hit on some of Heather's other points, I think it is my responsibility to keep Henry connected to his birth family at some level before he is able to make the decision about whether or not he wants to keep up with that connection. If there is no communication for 18 years (or really if there is only one-way communication from us to his birth parents), there is really no basis for him to make that decision -- it has been made for him by us. To truly give him that decision, it is up to me to create some sort of relationship for him to decide about.

I read several open adoption blogs, and Henry's adoption isn't nearly as open as most of the blogs I read. I'm not sure I am emotionally ready to have that type of openness, but as it isn't even an option for me at this time I try not too think about it too much. I do, however, hope that throughout Henry's life we can communicate with his birth parents so he can know where he comes from, genetically. Even though I can't know what it's like to be adopted, I imagine that I would be curious and would want to know about my birth parents. So, as Henry's mom I am obligated to make sure that when these questions come up I can answer them as best I can and hopefully take him to look in the face of someone who looks like him.

I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period. I entered into adoption with my eye wide open about this fact, and I think it will take Henry's lifetime to figure out what this will mean to him.

Spoiled

Sometimes I feel so spoiled. Here I am at home trying to figure out how to juggle dropping something off at my brother's house, feeding Henry, walking the dog and showering all in time to meet some other adoptive moms for coffee. Such problems to have, right? Poor T is miserable at work and this is what I'm struggling with.

I know T wouldn't be happy staying at home full time -- it's just not his gig. But I do sometimes feel guilty that I get to grapple with things like this, which I honestly don't find particularly stressful, when he is really stressed out at work. He tells me to not feel bad about it and I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Even though I wasn't due back to work until next week, I'm definitely feeling like resigning from my position was the right thing for me to do. I am so glad I didn't have to go out and find day care for Henry. That is such a daunting task and I am not envious of people having to do that. I know at some point I will want Henry to go, whether I start working or not, but for now having him home with me is such a luxury and I am so happy that we were able to make it happen.

It's so weird that I'm feeling so 'lucky' lately. I'm so used to walking around feeling bitterness toward everything all the time. I can't say that all of my bitterness is gone, as I still have acute feelings of bitterness related to our infertility. But I don't generally walk around feeling bitter toward everything constantly. It does come up from time to time, but it doesn't color everything anymore. I'm not sure whether or not I'm having a difficult time re-adjusting. I seem to do okay. My shields are up a lot, but I'm not sure that things are being thrown at me too often.

People ask how Bdog is responding to the baby. Bdog is generally indifferent toward Henry. It's the cats I worry about. Exhibit A:

Happy Halloween!

At Grammie's

We went over to Grammie and Grampie's house yesterday. My mom fed him twice and changed a poopy diaper, which thrills her. She just loves babies.

Staring at Grammie

Today there is a costume party at T's office, so I'll get Henry all dolled up and bring him there.

T and I had a discussion/argument about finding our "new" roles now that I've quit my job. I put it in quotes because the roles aren't particularly different, but I have to reframe things a little bit now that I'm not working out of the house. We've always had some differences in perception on how things were divided inside the house, and now that I'm always home it seems like it needs some more shifting. It's a pretty complicated thing for us, especially since domestic chores and such has always been the biggest source of contention in our relationship in general.

I'm finding it interesting that Henry won't really nap very well in his crib, but if we go out and he falls asleep, he'll sleep for hours in his car seat. He naps well in his bouncy seat, too. But it would help me do more things around the house if he'd sleep in his room as I wouldn't worry about leaving him and the animals alone for more than just a moment or two. I don't like to leave them all together alone for 10 or 15 minute stretches.

Henry's stirring. Time to eat again!

In a sweater I made for baby S a few years ago.

Best friends?

Maybe someday.

Nothing to say, but everything is good

What can I say? It's simple. I'm happy.

frightfully cute, indeed

Henry was very popular over the weekend.

Long weekend

I had a long and busy weekend. My nephew had his bar mitzvah and there were lots of out of town families. Our house lost power for 20 hours, so we ended up staying in the hotel where everyone was staying and driving back and forth for our formal clothing and to walk Bdog. We were running all around, but everyone was doting all over little Henry. I found out 2 of my cousins are expecting, but I wasn't too thrown off by it. I still have some issues around pregnancy, but I didn't feel my stomach drop to the floor. Baby steps, right?

I'm so exhausted that I can't even write anything, but I wanted to post this picture. :)

Resigned

I resigned from my job today. In person. I brought Henry with me. My boss was amazing. She said she somewhat expected this. (I'm not surprised by that.) She also said that she completely understands, she thinks I'm doing the right thing and that if our positions were reversed, she'd do the exact same thing. She also said to not hesitate to use her as a reference or even if I wanted to come back or wanted help finding part time or work from home work that she'd help me out. It really could not have been better. I expected her to not be surprised, but I didn't expect this much support. It really made me feel good about the decision.

And if I needed more help, this is what I came home to after walking Bdog this morning.

Date night

T and I went on our first date night last night. We left little Henry at my parents' house and went to a lovely steak dinner. It was super yummy and I had two (2) glasses of wine, so I was a bit in la-la land. It was definitely a place where we could not take Henry and having such super yummy food was quite a treat. I was a little nervous and thought about Henry almost the whole time, but I didn't call and was quite calm. I am so proud of how calm I am with him. I espouse a Free Range ideology, and I feel like I am living up to that with the way I am parenting Henry. There's not much free ranging for an infant, but I feel I am doing what I can do with this in teaching him how to be independent from the very beginning. Free Range doesn't mean less love, it just means less worry and hovering.

We also went to an adoption group yesterday. I am trying to arrange one close to home, but there were 4 other families there with kids ranging from 8 months to 2 1/2 years. It was really great and I hope we can keep it up and get the closer one rolling. One cool thing is that one of the parents at the adoption group was someone that T and I had met in a 'Waiting Families' support group. It was so cool to get together with our children after fretting together about whether we'd actually ever get to be parents!

We're enjoying a chill long weekend, which is nice. Next weekend is a bar mitzvah weekend and will be full of family and being places, so I'm glad we can relax for now.

Two Month Check-Up

We had our two month check up today. That meant shots. The PA did them really quickly and Henry only cried very briefly, which was a relief. I was nervous about them, but they did such a quick job I didn't really have time to freak out too much. I'm sure this is from experience.

I have to say I love our pediatrician. He is so calming, and he makes me feel so good about myself and how I am doing as a mom. He can see how happy both Henry and I are, and he tells me that our happiness is a self-fulfilling prophecy and that Henry will just be happier and happier and cuter and sweeter because that's how he is now and that's how I expect him to be. Henry is about average in height and a little above average in weight. He's healthy and growing as expected and doing really well.

I've been going to my in-town Mom's group every week and I went on a social outing with a social Mom's group yesterday for coffee. I enjoyed that and will be trying to go again. I had T's friend S come over and help us de-clutter, which was great. Our house is looking infinitely better, especially downstairs. She also helped us turn our 3rd fl into the guest bedroom now that Henry took over the previous one. She assembled a bed from 1ke@ for us, which was HUGE.

The other huge thing is that I'm 99% sure I've decided to quit my job. Everything is pointing toward that for me and I think I'm just going to do it. The 1% is really just my fear of doing it. Can I tell my boss over the phone? Everyone has been so encouraging about it that I'm just going to do it because I think it's what will make me happiest in the end. I'm going to double check that I'm not accruing anything or earning anything at work (I don't think I am) and maybe talk to my boss on Friday. Any resigning advice? I want to leave on as positive a note as possible.

And don't forget the cuteness:

All good

I'm still here. I guess I don't feel like I have too much to say. Motherhood is the best. I absolutely love it.

My biggest concern is still about work. I've sort of decided that I want to quit my job and stay at home. However, I feel like I can't know that for sure unless I try working part time. I also feel like it would be terrible for my already lousy resume to quit. But when I think about returning to work, I basically want to cry because I feel so strongly that I do not want to. I wish I could convince myself that not going back to work was the right thing. I'm not sure why I can't accept that about myself, but I seem to be having a difficult time with that. My husband fully supports me no matter what I do. I think he wishes I would believe myself and just quit and stay home. But there's just this lingering feeling in my stomach when I think about quitting that I'll regret doing that some day.

Henry is growing. He's hit six weeks and is really changing. All his predictability has been thrown out the window. One day he barely napped at all, and the next day he slept all day. His night sleeping continues to improve and now Bdog is more likely to cause me to be sleep deprived than little H is. Between the two of them, though, it definitely alters my sleeping patterns. I wish Bdog didn't start getting hyper at like 5:30.

We sent a 6 week letter and email to CC and O. We didn't hear back from them. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I do understand why they didn't reach out. Maybe next time. I'm going to send another email in November.

Nothing else to report. I guess I see why people stop blogging after becoming parents. I'm not planning on doing that, but right now I don't have too much time to report on my parenting and adoption experiences.

Oh, I am trying to facilitate an adoption group that meets once a month, locally. It's meeting for the first time on Saturday. I'm interested to see how that goes.

Henry just spit up on himself. Gotta go!

Happenings

We had the hearing test today. He passed! His hearing is within the normal range. I suspected his hearing was fine because of his reactions to noises. However, it is still a relief to have a test confirm it.

I sent off our first letter to CC and O. yesterday. I printed some pictures and wrote what I could think of. I feel like our letter is woefully inadequate. I do plan to send them and email with some additional pictures this week. I want to tell them to let me know if they want the electronic versions of the pictures we printed. In fact, I just looked at the contract we signed and I think I left out some information that I'm supposed to supply. But I'm hopeful that because I'm going to encourage them to ask if there is something they want to know that we didn't include, that this will work out.

I feel so crazy busy. People keep telling me that I might get bored, but at this point I can't imagine it. I still worry about what's going to happen with work. I went back to visit yesterday and no one did anything but assume that I'm going to come back to work full time. I'm not. In fact, I'm dreading the idea of returning at all. I'm definitely thinking about staying home, but I haven't made any final decisions yet.

I just made myself worry about the letter and pictures. Dammit, I hate when I do that. I tend to lose sleep over things like this.

Things are good. I love being a mom, and I definitely feel a lot more like a mom. Our boy is precious, and I know he is comforted just by my presence or my voice. I can't believe this has finally happened to me. I am enjoying every minute of it, even the exhausted ones.