Four years

Apparently today is my blogoversary. Thanks to Mel for reminding me. I wouldn't have remembered myself.

So, on this day four years ago, I started a blog and a greyhound pup was born. I can't believe I've had this blog for 4 years. I started after my second miscarriage and our BT diagnosis. A lot has happened since then.

Thinking about time always freaks me out. Past, and future all being the present at some point.

Anyway I guess I'm here for the long haul.

Life

I'm too tired to type. I went to see They Might Be Giants in downtown Boston today. It was great fun, but I'm exhausted!

I want to mention a few things:

• We asked for and received the paperwork to start filling out for kid #2. I'm a little afraid of this, but I know people who have been waiting 24 months or more for #2, so I feel like we need to fill it out.
• I think we're not going to try embryo donation. I just don't think I can cycle again.
• Tomorrow B-dog turns 4.
• House hunting is weird. We're learning a lot. I'm still not sure where I want to live, but we're looking. We haven't found the right place yet, but we have seen several places that are close. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if we find some place I really want. I fear moving.
• I love Henry. He's super adorable and he seems to attract strangers. They're always commenting to me about how cute he is. I like it. A stranger told me today that I'm lucky. I agreed with him. Here is my evidence:
  

Sleepover

T and I had Henry sleep over at his grammie and grampie's house last night. We thought it would be nice for him to get used to being away from us from time to time.

He did well. He woke up twice right after he went down to sleep, but otherwise he did really well. My parents are having a ball with him. He's such a good little boy -- so easygoing.

T and I went out for a nice dinner, though ironically there were a bunch of babies and kids at the restaurant. Our food was delicious and it's a pretty nice restaurant, but it's part of a hotel, so I guess that's why there were so many kids there. It was still enjoyable.

Henry is such a good boy that it doesn't even feel much quieter or less hectic that he's not here. I just miss him.


I cannot wait to see him later this afternoon! I miss my boy!

Not as fun as it seems.

We went to open houses today. We saw a beautiful house. It's in the suburbs. I don't like the suburbs. Things have turned a bit sour. Turns out moving is more difficult for us to sort out than infertility. Didn't see that one coming.

Breastfeeding

Did everybody see this new study about breastfeeding that came out?

Whenever I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, it makes me feel bad. There are two main reasons for this, I think. One is it reminds me of the part of the 'mommy' club that I'm not in. I didn't give birth to my child. I had no milk to give him. Secondly, it seems that many of my FB friends are vehement breastfeeding advocates. I've actually had to hide some people because it seems that 90% of their posts are about natural child birth and BF.

Even though no one has said this to me (except maybe LLL, but f#^k them) sometimes I feel like these people think that feeding your child formula is poisoning them or is like child abuse or something. They just push it so strongly that it makes me feel broken.

I'm pretty sure that most people understand why I don't BF my son. To be honest, I'm kind of glad I don't as it seems formula fed babies are a little bit easier -- at least they have been in my random, non-scientific observing of babies. (I know 3 bottle fed and tens of BF and all the bottle fed babies are MUCH better sleepers and generally more easygoing.) I like that I don't have to pump and that anyone can feed Henry without any fuss.

That being said, I just feel bad about it, and I'm so happy to be a mom and I love Henry so much that I hate that something like this makes me feel bad.

Good problems

We looked at a house today. It's at the top of our price range, but it was REALLY nice. We made a list of pros and cons about the house. The good thing is that I don't feel like I must have that house right now, but of course now I'm obsessed with looking.

The toughest thing is deciding which town. One town has excellent schools but you get less house for the money. Another town has good enough schools with much more house for the money. We could stay in our current town, but the schools here aren't that great after elementary school and I hope we stay in our new house longer than we stayed in this one.

Most of the places we're looking are much more suburban than I'm comfortable with. I'm telling myself that a 3 minute drive to the commuter rail or a walk to one bus line is good enough. I grew up in a place with no public transportation and I do not want that for my children. I'd love to live in an urban area, but in the end I'm not willing to compromise space so that we could afford it.

I wish we could stay here a little big longer, but the other day when I came home to our neighbor's drug addicted son calling her the c-word as he was led away by the cops. I also found one of those tiny plastic bags used for drugs on our lawn. There is constant shouting and swearing in front of our house and people drive those loud, tiny motorcycles around. I really feel like we need to go. It makes me sad, though.

These are difficult decisions to make, but I understand that I am lucky to have "problems" such as these.

How to know

We're starting to think about moving. We love our house and we hate moving, but the house will feel small once we have another kid, and we have BIG issues with our neighborhood. We love the location of this house. We could stay in this house with another kid, but it wouldn't be ideal. But there is a lot of yelling and swearing in the neighborhood and it really upsets me to think this is what Henry is going to observe when he plays outside. I don't want him to learn about this stuff so early. I know he will learn all this stuff someday, but I'd rather it be after I'm able to control most of what he encounters -- you know, at least til he's 5 or something.

Part of me doesn't want to move. I don't know if it's the right thing or not. But I don't think we're going to live in this house forever and maybe while the market is still a little down we should do an upgrade. Sure we've lost some money on this house, but if you add it all up and spread it out over the 5 years we've lived here, it's still cheaper than the rent we would have paid had we not bought it.

One of the bigger problems about this is that I don't know where I want to move to. The towns I would really want to move to we cannot afford. It has to be convenient to T's work. I'm not big on the suburbs, so it has to be near the city. I think I'm going to have to compromise myself a bit and move further away from the city than I would like. I'm unhappy about this, but I think it's the only way.

I wish I knew what to do.

I guess it doesn't cost anything to look.

Teething

It appears that one of Henry's upper teeth is starting to come in. He was acting uncharacteristically cranky this afternoon and I took a peek. There's a huge bulge up there. Poor little guy. He is one unhappy little dude. Hopefully an extra early bed time will help.

Motion

Today, Henry moved. He was lying on the ground on his back, and he easily and casually rolled onto his tummy. That was new. He usually struggled to to the back to tummy roll. Then he rolled again onto his back. And then his tummy. And then his back.

He rolled from one place to another.

Henry is in motion. AHHH!

Open Adoption Interview Project

For the Open Adoption Interview Project, I got to know Kristin at Parenthood Path. Go visit her and read about her wonderful son, Dylan! Also, go visit the project and read some other interviews. Here is my interview with Kristin:

You don't talk much about your journey to adoption as you started your
blog after that decision was made. Can you talk a little bit more
about how you and your husband came to the decision to adopt? Were
you ever not in the same place? Did you grieve your biological
offspring or did it just seem right from the beginning? I'd love to
hear a little more about this journey (if it's not too private).

This is something I address some in the early posts on my blog. In short, we came to a fork in the road regarding our fertility treatments, when we had to decide whether to pursue IVF - which would not be covered by insurance, or another path to parenthood, or even resolving to live child-free. The more we researched, the more nervous we got about additional medical intervention (for various reason), and the more excited we got about adoption. Open adoption in particular calmed many of our fears - emotional and ethical concerns for everyone involved - about 'raising someone Else's child."

Fortunately, M. and I stayed very close to the same place in our thinking and feelings about our family building. Yes, there were many tough conversations and some periods of great uncertainty. But I think our reservations about our options were similar, and our preferences for the different risks and rewards were shared. Dealing with infertility was so stressful, I am immensely grateful that it didn't also add a lot of conflict to our relationship.

There was definitely grief involved in giving up the dream of having a biological child with M. Since Dylan was placed with us, I've often joked that we could not have created such a good and cute baby ourselves. I truly do believe this. But that doesn't erase the years of disappointment, and a sense that I've missed out on some beautiful human experiences.

I'm not one who believes in fate and that our struggles were necessary to bring us our intended son. But I can't imagine being happier or more fortunate than I do as Dylan's mom.

How often to you communicate with your son's birth parents? What methods (letter, phone, email, IM, etc) do you use?

This is something I've wanted to write about on my own blog, but haven't known quite how to approach it.

Unfortunately, we have no contact with his birth father and never had. We have very little information about him. I hope this changes in the future.

We haven't heard from his birth mother in almost two months now. I've emailed her a couple of times with little updates and cute photos, but there's been no response. It's hard to know how hard to push. In our open adoption agreement, we decided (at V.'s urging) on visits about every other month, and phone calls or emails at least every month. So I will continue to write to her at about that pace, unless she indicates another preference.

We are disappointed and sad not to have more regular contact with our son's other mother (or father) - which I think surprises a lot of people in our lives.

Do you get 'feedback' from Dylan's birth parents about how the communications are going?

The initial feedback was encouraging. It felt comfortable (at least to us) and natural, which makes the current lack of contact more surprising and disappointing.

One thing I regret is that I didn't get a mobile phone and learn to text sooner. I know his birth mom likes to text, and that might have been the easiest way for her to stay in touch. But it just wasn't possible for me until I finally got a new phone a few weeks ago....

How has your cat reacted to Dylan? (And other pets if you have them, of course.)

I love this question!

Any fear we had about the old wives's tale about cats smothering infants in their cribs has been abated by our funny guy. For the most part, Suleyman has been indifferent to Dylan. Initially, he just kept his distance, although we noticed that if the crying got too loud, the cat would remove himself from the vicinity (which is a big deal for a lazy cat).

More and more, Suley is willingly approaching the boy with some apparent curiosity. And Dylan is of course becoming more and more curious about this beast that is about his size. A few times, Dylan has reached out and grasped Suleyman's soft fur. Unfortunately, this tugging has not been well received, with the cat either hightailing it outa there, or responding with a swat. So far, Dylan's escaped without a scratch. It's hard to know how much to protect the little human while encouraging him to interact with the more mature feline.

I've attached a couple of photos of our two boys together. The first - in which Suley reveals his boredom with Dylan with a huge yawn - is from December, when Dylan was 2.5 months old. The other is from February, when Dylan was about 4 months old and beginning to take a bit more interest in his furry brother.



Do you think you approach parenthood differently because you are an adoptive mom and not a bio mom?

I approached your questions be responding to the easiest first. This is the last one I've been able to get my head - and heart - around. It's such an interesting, important question. In fact, Rachel, you know I like it so much that I asked it back to you. Pre-placement, I would have been fascinated by other adoptive parents' responses to the question, and I suppose I still am.

But the truth is, I don't have a good answer for it myself. I've thought a lot about it (before placement and since), and I haven't resolved anything. Part of this is because I'm not a bio mom, so it's tough to make a comparison with something so abstract.

I think that in the mundane, day-to-day things, my approach to parenthood is no different. I am loving and caring for this little child no differently than if he had my genes or came from my body. In short, I don't think that I am parenting differently.

However, I do think that parenthood is different for me. And to try to explain that, I'll use someone else's words. (I hope you don't mind.) This unknown author* articulates so well many of my own feelings about being a mom after infertility and through adoption.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love
their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have
read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are
those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I
will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound
of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I
am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take
another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this
insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child
that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God
leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better
wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have
been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in
order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I
have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only
comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

* I'd love to know who wrote this, so if anyone can clue me in, I'd be grateful

You had a post about wondering when to share that Dylan is adopted. (I have a similar post.) When DO you share that info?

I share this info now when it seems truly relevant, which has been less frequently of late. When people compliment me on his cuteness, I no longer explain that I had nothing to do with it. I just say, "Thank you." I've noticed fewer confused looks when others see the three of us together, and I suspect it is not because we're getting them any less, but because my sensitivity to our "matching" has diminished.

Part of my reluctance is that when I've been having a typical conversation about being a new mom, if I bring up the adoption, the talk will inevitably shift from inquiries about how well he's sleeping and eating, how smiley and "talkative" he is, to where he's "from" or how we "got" him.

On the other hand, I'll often share the info because, as an educator, I sometimes feel a responsibility - mostly to my son - to seize opportunities to educate people about adoption, and open adoption in particular. I so want our experience to be more "normalized," so there is no stigma surrounding adoption. If there are occasions when bringing up how Dylan came to our family seems like an opportunity to shed some light, then I'll usually go for it.

A few times in the last month or so, I've been on campus with him, and people who haven't seen me in awhile have somewhat embarrassed said, "I didn't even realize you were pregnant." Of course, I've told them that's because I wasn't, and that he's adopted.

Several times, I've actually been pleasantly surprised. People I didn't expect to have used PAL, or asked questions about our situation very sensitively. And more often than not, when the subject of Dylan's adoption comes up, it's an opener to learn more about how adoption has touched someone else's life. I find those stories interesting, and sometimes they have brought me closer to an acquaintance.

Too frequently, I still hear about "reclaims," or family members permanently scarred by the "primal wound." It's always struck me as odd that people who I think are trying to be supportive share horror stories. I've gotten a bit braver about cutting those kinds of stories off by saying, "Oh, that's too frightening. Don't tell me any more!" Though I try to say this kind of thing lightly, laughingly so as not to make someone who is well intentioned feel bad, usually it does get the message across.

Very frequently, when I reveal that we are adopting our son, the response will be an exclamation of how lucky he is to be with such a great family. To that I have a quick, easy, and honest response: "WE are the lucky ones to have him in our lives."

If you work, how is your work/life balance going? If you do not, are you getting enough 'adult' time? Do either of these things bring up surprising feelings?

I work as an administrator at a small college. Before the baby, my job was pretty demanding and I worried a lot about how my boss and others would handle the unpredictability of a match and then my desire to take my full, legally-provided twelve weeks of parental leave. Because I know that she doesn't like surprises and some advanced planning might help, I'd also been talking with my supervisor about working less than full time upon my return to work for more than a year before it looked like I might actually become a mother. But we hadn't resolved anything, so it was nerve wracking to bring it up again when the conversation became based in reality rather than the hypothetical.

Things have worked out great for me, and I am immensely grateful for the flexibility and accommodations I have been granted. My office "bugged" me very little for the three months I was off, which enabled such a precious period of intense focus on the baby and our new little family. And when I returned after the new year, it was on a three day a week basis. No one's been hired to take up my slack, and little delegating of my responsibilities has been done, so there is a lot that isn't getting accomplished that should, and I am definitely being expected to do more with less time and less money. These arrangements were made with the understanding that they are temporary, and that we'd re-evaluate after a few months. I want the part-time situation to continue, so I'm trying hard to make it work for others as well as myself. But I have a deep-set fear that we'll have to make new arrangements soon. I dread the decisions and further compromises that would be involved with that.

My current work arrangement feels just about right to me as far as work/life balance. Before parenthood, I suspected that I might actually yearn to be a stay-at-home mom, which just isn't financially feasible for us. But I know now that I would feel really isolated and "under valued" if I was just home with Dylan. I need the social interaction with adults and the sense of accomplishment my job provides me. But I also know that if I worked more, I would miss him even more than I do. Right now, it seems like just about when I'm feeling I need a break from his constant demands, it's someone else's (M's or my mom's) turn to spend the day with him. Or, just as soon as I feel like I am missing out and can't go another hour without snuggling with him, I'm off work and ready to spend another day as his primary caregiver.

A small tangent: I have not yet found or built a "baby group," and I'd like one. Though I fear they will all be a lot younger than me, and that there might be a lot of conversation about birthing and nursing and such that I can't relate to), it would be fun to connect with other new parents (IRL). Ideally, such a group could bridge my baby-centric and grown-up lives. I'd welcome advice about how to find a good group.

Sunny!

The sun and the warmth make the badness melt away. It's been a good few days.

Show and Tell: B-Dog

Show and Tell

ETA: Since a couple of people have asked, B-Dog is indeed a retired racing greyhound. And no, he never won. :)

My week, in days.

1. H had vomiting and diarrhea.
2. I had vomiting and diarrhea.
3. T had diarrhea and vomiting.
4. It started pouring rain.
5. Boy cat got sick and had to go to the ER. (Still raining.)
   
6. The basement flooded. (Still raining.)
   
7. On the way to the vet for a follow up for boy cat, a HUGE pot hole gave me a flat tire.

Now, the good.

• The humans are healthy again.
• The boy cat is getting a lot better.
• I paid 2 random guys $20 to change my tire and they did a good job and it only took 15 minutes.
• It's sunny and it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow.

Everything is going to be okay.

Better

After little Henry got over his stomach bug, I caught it. NOT FUN. Luckily T stayed home from work on Friday to take care of Henry because I was completely bedridden and couldn't do anything. We're predicting that T will come down with the symptoms shortly. I'm not looking forward to it as it's a nasty, nasty bug and T is a terrible sick.

We think our boy cat is sick, too. :( I'm bringing him to the vet on Tuesday. I hope it's just an infection or something, but as he is 12+ years old, I'm nervous. I'm not sure what will happen to T if we lose boy cat too.

I'm sort of amazed, though not completely, at the havoc I have wreaked by talking about Attachment Parenting. I am sorry if I offended anyone by my post, though I won't take any of the sentiments back. The outfall totally reinforces to me how problematic it is to label parenting strategies. Talking about how to parent is apparently as divisive as religion or politics. I didn't realize this, I suppose, though perhaps I was being naive. Most of my frustration came from an old high school friend on the evil FB who kept posting links about it who I finally just hid so I didn't have to see them any more.

The truth is, there are some things that I do that could be considered part of AP, I suppose. I do have an Erg0 carrier that I use all the time. I guess like I said before, I just don't like labels. And I don't like people assuming what I think about things before asking me.

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it anymore. We're all just doing the best we can.

It's supposed to rain all weekend and I feel like I haven't left the house in DAYS. It's kind of sucky.

Henry can now put his feet in his mouth and is all about untying or taking off his shoes. He's very interested in feet. He's also interested in the tags on things. He'll take a toy or stuffed animal and find the small tag that's on it and that is what he wants to chew on.

Lunchtime for Henry.

Spring!

The crocuses are blooming in my garden. Hurray!

Show and Tell

Stomach bug

Stomach bugs are bad and not fun. Poor little guy. :(

Either, either; neither, neither.

I guess the thing is that I never have read nor do I ever read any parenting books, and when people put a label on parenting, it bugs me.

I just do what I think is right. I realize that most people just want to do what is right.

What bothers me is when people say that one method or strategy or plan is more 'natural' than another. I think that is what bothers me most.

Is it me?

I wrote a different post about this which I may work on later, but it's not finished nor is it nuanced and this is bugging me so I'm just going to put this out there.

Is it me, or are there other people that are annoyed by this whole "attachment parenting" thing that's out there.

It's constantly pissing me off.

My name is Rachel and I hate the "attachment parenting" philosophy.

However, I love my son.

PMS

Dear PMS,

F*ck you.

Love,
-Rachel

Sensitivity

Thanks for all of the kind words about our kitty. We are doing okay, though we miss her so. Her poor brother kitty seems unsure about where she went. It will take time.

I previously mentioned how I've been trying to 'friend date' a bit with some other new moms. I found a couple of women whom I've had a few 'play dates' with. So far it's been pretty good with both of them -- I enjoy our time together, though I haven't felt a real tight 'click' with either of them. But I plan on continuing to hang out with them because it has been going well.

One of the new moms and I were out shopping together. We were both pushing the babies in a stroller and a stranger smiled at us and jokingly asked, "Which department did you get them?" I smiled and replied, "In the kids department, of course!" and the stranger said something about going to pick up one (or something, I don't really remember). Then my new friend said, "You can take mine!"

I was taken aback by this comment. I said, "That's not a very nice thing to say."

She said, "She's been waking up every hour for the past three weeks. If you had been dealing with that, you'd understand!"

I said, "Because my son is adopted, I'm really sensitive about comments like that. In some sense, he might feel like he was given away by his parents."

She said, "I didn't mean it like that."

I said, "I know, but I'm very sensitive about statements like that. It hits a little close to home for me."

Then I changed the subject.

Did I do okay? I hope I made my point. I'm trying to practice with these things.