My E Ticket

I feel like I'm starting this roller coaster all over again. I'm starting to be weepy again. Pregnant women and stories about babies make my eyes well up. I'm having trouble focusing at work. I had felt so much better, but this doctor's appointment tomorrow has dredged up all the feelings of dread again. T and I talked about our tentative 'plan' to ttc again last night. He's so scared of doing that. I was feeling better about my decision when I looked at a few blogs and group postings and saw how many women had 8 and 9 and 10 miscarriages, and now I just feel kind of dead inside. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know what's going to happen. We don't have time to have 9 miscarriages. I mean, aside from the emotional toll of all of that, I'm 34. We have to start now. This sucks so much, and hurts so much on such a fundamental level. I keep thinking that maybe the results of T's karyotyping was somehow a mistake and that the lab fucked it up or something. But I know that's true. I'm having those, "I can't believe this is happening to us," moments again. It's awful.

So I called a therapist hotline today. I got a call back, but I've actually been somewhat busy at work today, so I haven't got any numbers as of yet.

I also have an initial phone interview for another job. I sent my resume out to other places. I don't know if it's the right time to get a new job, but I'm so restless. I figure, I don't have to actually take the job, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I were busy here, I wouldn't look for another job. But I'm not busy here at all, so I'm looking at my options.

I have my review class tonight. I took the practice final and we'll see how I do. I'm getting nervous about this as well, but it just seems so dumb. But I want to do okay. I want my money back and I just want to do well in the class. I like doing well in school. I have learned some things, though. So if I completely fail the final, at least I'll have that. I guess.

The sun finally came out today. Most of my plants are so happy, but my basil looks really sad It's like the rain rotted a bunch of it out. Hopefully the sun will rejuvenate it. We shall see. If not, I'm just going to get a new one. My yarrow loved it, though.

Well, my phone call for the interview is in a couple of minutes. I wish I could say something hopeful and happy, but I'm just not feeling it right now.