Cold Rain

Today is cold and rainy. I know that we really need the rain. We're very low on rain so far this spring and it will help my garden and my plants. But the dark clouds definitely affect my mood. Needless to say, I'm not feeling great again this morning. I'm simply sad. There's no other way to put it. Sad. I don't know how to adjust to this whole thing. I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't know how to start accepting it. I feel like it's become my whole life. I feel like I can't get away from it.

I don't want to work this hard. I don't want to have to hold on to some slim hope. I don't want to have to give myself shots. I don't want to have to pretend that nothing is wrong. I don't want to have to tell people I'm okay when they casually ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to talk to vaguely sympathetic people. I don't want sex to be so loaded. I don't want to have to force myself to relax and to not obsess. I don't want to feel like crying at random things on a reasonably regular basis.

I just want to feel normal.

People know that something is wrong. They can't put their finger on it, and they don't ask, but I know they can tell. Ever since I met T I've been really up-beat and happy. He has been too. Now we're down and unenthusiastic. We act differently now. I don't bounce around the way I used to. T is much more subdued.

I'm not very productive at work. I'm having a difficult time focusing on the class I'm taking.

I do find respite in house work and gardening. But time is so limited for doing these things.

Some questions will be answered after May 18. Some will not be. I'm beginning to lean in a non-IVF direction, but T fears having to terminate. I fear termination and multiple miscarriage as well, but I fear shots and extraction and implantation without success a little more.

I really fear never being able to simply 'hang out' without this huge albatross around our necks.