Sick

Poor little Henry is sick. We think it's RSV. Went to the pediatrician yesterday, but he's since developed a fever.

I'm a pretty laid back mom, but this is REALLY freaking me out. He's so lethargic and just sleeping all the time. Luckily the Ty1en0l is helping.

We went to the Chi1dren's Museum on Saturday and I think he picked it up there.

We're going back to the doctor later this morning.

My poor little boy. I feel like crying seeing him suffer like this. I wish I could make him better.

Nope

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE INSIDES OF YOUR UTERUS. REALLY.

That is all.

a little better

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm feeling a little better now. It must have been mostly hormonal.

I do belong to a mom's group. I go every Tuesday morning and it's been great. I also have an adoptive families play group once per month and I went today to yet another adoptive families information session. I do try to plan something to do every single day to get out of the house. Plus, Henry and I go for a walk in the afternoon with B-dog most days which is yet something else to do. Usually I feel so busy that I look forward to a morning when I don't have anything going on.

But my hormones (I'm guessing) made me feel lonely. Since the trouble with my friend, I've been feeling insecure in friendships and like I need to make new friends. I'm trying but I haven't found anybody new that I really 'click' with so far. I mean, I enjoy my groups a lot, and there are two adoptive moms that I'm 'friend dating' to see if either of them really click, but just have felt that affinity lately.

And I had that I have to 'friend date.' It sucks. I used to be so good at making friends, but lately I feel like I just don't like anybody. It's difficult to meet people, but I want to have some friends who have kids around Henry's age.

Also, my parents are leaving for FL next week and I guess I'm feeling a little lonely and sad about that, too. I know that if I have nothing to do my mom will always be up for a little visit from Henry and me. But now that's not going to be a possibility for 2 months! It makes me feel a little more lonely.

Happily, I do have some lovely friends from here in blog land that I see, some more often than others, and I do know I have friends around. But I definitely need to work on this 'friend dating' thing. Yuck. Sigh. I thought I was done with that sort of thing when I met T. But regular dating is even more socially acceptable than friend dating.

I just have to push myself, I guess.

stuff

Henry is good. I've been feeling a little isolated recently. I think it's mostly PMS. I do keep busy and have things to do all day. I do realize how lucky I am to be able to stay home. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes taking care of a baby, no matter how well behaved and adorable he is, can be a little boring. With the freezing cold weather and PMS and things, I've been having a tough time of it the past few days. I have a busy week coming up so hopefully it won't last, but I guess it boils down to the fact that both Henry and I are pretty sick of our living room. I've signed up for a moms' night out dinner, and I think I have to make sure to leave Henry home with T on the weekends and make sure I have some 'me' time.

E&R&S gave Henry a giraffe. He loves it.

He's almost 5 months old. He's eating oatmeal and rolling over and seems pretty close to sitting up. He's the greatest kid. I love him to pieces. When his bottom lip curls, my heart melts. Why is that sad face so cute?

I'm working on making Henry a little yoda sweater. I hope my troubles lift.

Happy New Year

It is my sincere hope that those of you who struggled through 2009 find happiness and joy in 2010. I think about all of you every day, even if I don't know you.

May 2010 bring some joy to those who are still struggling.

Happy New Year.

Peace.

Henry rolled over

We gave Henry some oatmeal yesterday, and today he decided to roll over. It wasn't a fluke, he did it 4 times! Our little baby is growing into a boy.

Xmas morning

Friendships

How do you know when it is time to end a friendship?

I have been friends with this person for a long time -- over ten years. But I feel like I have to be SO CAREFUL about EVERYTHING I say less she take offense. She thinks I am very self centered. I think she's very self centered.

I'm not sure I have the energy to work this out this time. (This is the person who made the "pain Olympics" statement to me. She thinks I think everything is about me and I'm always out to "win" somehow.)

Does that means I just should leave it be and let the friendship die?

Tummy time

Thanks

Thanks for all your well-wishes. Yes, I'm blogging again. My MIL just left after being here for a week and I have to get some things out there.

First, I wanted to acknowledge what Holly said in my comments in that though I am not thankful for my infertility, I do think it has changed my perspective on things and I am much less likely to take things for granted. That is absolutely true.

Now, I just want to gripe about my MIL. She would stare at Henry and point out the tiniest physical flaws. The one I remember most clearly is that he has one pointy ear and one rounded ear. (?!?)

Then I showed her pictures of CC and O. to show her how much he looks like O. Then she said two things which I wish I had a response to. "I don't know how they did that. I could NEVER give up my baby." That one I've heard about and though it caught me off guard I blurted out something about circumstances and you just don't know what you would be able to do in a different place. It wasn't good enough and I didn't talk about what a loving choice it was. I was disappointed with my response, but I was just not prepared.

The second thing she said was, "I'm just so glad that they gave birth to him and didn't have an abortion." Ummm.... I just don't know how to respond to that. I have NOTHING to say to that. How do you respond to that?

I hate how much she drives me nuts, but she really really does. I hope it didn't show through too much. She did enjoy her time with Henry despite her saying constantly how she doesn't know anything about babies any more and she doesn't know what she's doing, and about how fat and what a blob she is. She's a hypochondriac and comes up with all these insane theories about why she doesn't have any energy. I have never seen her where she didn't say, "I'm feeling better than I was, but I just haven't got my energy back." Seems to me she hasn't had her energy since I've known her, but whatever.

Anyway, enough b1tching on my part. Thanks for listening. Let blogging break commence again. :)

Blogging

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging or not. I may take a break for a while. I've never had much in the way of readership (which is fine with me) and I've used this blog as a catharsis. I'm doing pretty well these days and I'm just not sure I feel like taking the time to blog. This is pretty obvious as I haven't been blogging that often lately. I may find the need to blog again in which case I will. But expect posts to be few and far between.

One thing I wanted to say before I take my break is kind of weird to say and I don't really know how to start. I guess I have read other people's blogs who have said that they're thankful in some ways for all of the trouble they had with infertility because without it they wouldn't have their child. I do not feel this way. I love Henry so much I could never put it in to words, and I feel my love for him grow bigger every single day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I believe our match with CC and O. was an excellent one and everything worked out. That being said, I also believe that if we didn't struggle in the way we did, we'd love the child we had as much as we love Henry, and we wouldn't have had to suffer nearly as much. I guess I just don't believe in fate or in things that are "meant to be." I do, however, believe in the way things are, and right now things are good.

Henry and me in a ring sling I made. It needs a little more work.

Thankful

Too much fun

Someone had a little too much fun in his ExerSaucer.

Final

Today was the court hearing to finalize Henry's adoption.

Though he has always been our son in our hearts, today Henry is officially our son according to the law. We love you, Henry. And we thank CC & O. for such a gift. You will forever be his first parents and we know how much you love him, too.

Trying

A friend told me that she and her husband are going to start trying to have a baby. Her husband has said for 40 years (he's over 40) that he didn't want kids, but she decided she did and in order for them to stay together he changed his mind.

I'm trying to figure out how I can remain friends with her if/when she gets pregnant. I'm really not sure I can take it.

I feel like them having kids is a disaster.

Of course it's none of my business and I haven't said anything to her. I'm not sure she'll understand my difficulty around this now that we have Henry. Henry is the best thing that has ever happened to me (aside from marrying T) but I still will have a very difficult time with the fact that my friend's husband will most likely have a biological child after speaking out and fighting against that idea for over 40 years.

Edited to clarify:

Husband is over 40 years old. They have not been married 40 years. He's just "always known" he's never wanted kids for his entire life. Wife was undecided. Until now.

CC and O.

I emailed CC and O. yesterday with Henry's 3 month update. I included many of the adorable pictures I have posted here. And CC emailed me back! I am delighted. She sounds really good and she definitely adores the pictures. She sees how much Henry looks like O. (he really does) and she even said in her letter, "I'm just glad he's happy and healthy and we made the right choice." We also asked a few questions about their family and got some answers. This is what openness is all about.

I am over the moon that she responded! I am so glad that she sounded like she is doing so well. I hope O. is doing as well as she is.

Hearing back from CC has renewed my faith in the openness of Henry's adoption. This has made my day.

Oops, Henry is stirring from his nap!

We have a finalization date

We have a court date and it's in only a few weeks. Before Thanksgiving and our 4th anniversary. Wow.

Things are good. Henry is really growing and changing. He has awake days and sleepy days and days he doesn't eat much and hungry days (like today). He's definitely napping a lot less, and will sometimes fight sleep so much until he's screaming because he's so tired. That's not much fun. But he's generally a delight. He smiles with his entire body -- his arms and legs wave around. He looks at me with such an intense love, it's crazy. I mean, I feel like he can barely be aware enough of himself to keep his thumb in his mouth, but he can look at me with adoration in his eyes.

Today would have been the day I would have had to return to work. Needless to say, I am glad I didn't have to wake Henry up and drop him off at daycare. I am thankful that I can stay with him all day.

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

This is the statement in Heather's Open Adoption Roundtable that struck me the most, so I am going to react to this one.

The fact of the matter is, adoption robs a child of a 'normal' childhood whether it is open or not. To be raised by parents who are not related to you biologically is not the way most people have created a family. If you are telling your child that he or she is adopted, there will always be issues around adoption, whether the adoption is open or not.

I am coming at openness in my adoption from a semi-open perspective. My son is only 3 months old and we have lots of time to cultivate openness. I am trying to communicating with his birth parents more often than the 'official' agreement dictates. I have sent notes and pictures to his birth parents, though they have only responded once, back when Henry was only a week old. I will continue to send them updates at a rate that I am comfortable with (more than once per year which is what I agreed to at placement) unless I hear from them or through my agency that they don't want to get them any more. I am disappointed that I do not get any response from them, but I know things must be difficult for them and I am trying to be understanding and give them space. I hope that in time they will be able to respond and send us pictures for us to show Henry. I am hopeful that one day we can meet each other again. I felt a strong bond with them when we spent those first 2 days of Henry's life together in the hospital. I want Henry to know that bond.

To hit on some of Heather's other points, I think it is my responsibility to keep Henry connected to his birth family at some level before he is able to make the decision about whether or not he wants to keep up with that connection. If there is no communication for 18 years (or really if there is only one-way communication from us to his birth parents), there is really no basis for him to make that decision -- it has been made for him by us. To truly give him that decision, it is up to me to create some sort of relationship for him to decide about.

I read several open adoption blogs, and Henry's adoption isn't nearly as open as most of the blogs I read. I'm not sure I am emotionally ready to have that type of openness, but as it isn't even an option for me at this time I try not too think about it too much. I do, however, hope that throughout Henry's life we can communicate with his birth parents so he can know where he comes from, genetically. Even though I can't know what it's like to be adopted, I imagine that I would be curious and would want to know about my birth parents. So, as Henry's mom I am obligated to make sure that when these questions come up I can answer them as best I can and hopefully take him to look in the face of someone who looks like him.

I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period. I entered into adoption with my eye wide open about this fact, and I think it will take Henry's lifetime to figure out what this will mean to him.

Spoiled

Sometimes I feel so spoiled. Here I am at home trying to figure out how to juggle dropping something off at my brother's house, feeding Henry, walking the dog and showering all in time to meet some other adoptive moms for coffee. Such problems to have, right? Poor T is miserable at work and this is what I'm struggling with.

I know T wouldn't be happy staying at home full time -- it's just not his gig. But I do sometimes feel guilty that I get to grapple with things like this, which I honestly don't find particularly stressful, when he is really stressed out at work. He tells me to not feel bad about it and I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Even though I wasn't due back to work until next week, I'm definitely feeling like resigning from my position was the right thing for me to do. I am so glad I didn't have to go out and find day care for Henry. That is such a daunting task and I am not envious of people having to do that. I know at some point I will want Henry to go, whether I start working or not, but for now having him home with me is such a luxury and I am so happy that we were able to make it happen.

It's so weird that I'm feeling so 'lucky' lately. I'm so used to walking around feeling bitterness toward everything all the time. I can't say that all of my bitterness is gone, as I still have acute feelings of bitterness related to our infertility. But I don't generally walk around feeling bitter toward everything constantly. It does come up from time to time, but it doesn't color everything anymore. I'm not sure whether or not I'm having a difficult time re-adjusting. I seem to do okay. My shields are up a lot, but I'm not sure that things are being thrown at me too often.

People ask how Bdog is responding to the baby. Bdog is generally indifferent toward Henry. It's the cats I worry about. Exhibit A:

Happy Halloween!