On board

T is on board with exploring the donated embryo option. His biggest concern is FET success rates. They seem to be under 40%, even with donor gametes.

I'm not sure I could do more than one try, but I kind of want to try it just the once.

I'm trying to schedule some consults to see if we can get things ironed out.

I never thought this would happen.

So

So now that this match failed, it's got me thinking about embryo adoption again. Sigh. Not sure that it's what we're going to to, but I've found myself googling and emailing about it.

I don't think T is on board with it, especially given the nature of the embryo donation agencies. But it's a tiny thought in the back of my mind now.

We are back active on the list with the attorney in FL.

Not great

I feel like my family has been ripped apart. I am empty inside. I miss my dog. It's difficult to walk by the empty room with the baby stuff in it. I want to scream, but I don't know what I want to say.

I am sad.

My  life looked so different last week.

There will be no baby

She decided to parent.

All I can think is, "I should have known."

I don't know how I am going to make Henry understand this.

Goodbye B-dog

I love my dog a lot. I have been crying a lot for the last several days. But today is the day we say goodbye to our beloved greyhound.

We loved him and he loved us. Our house is just not the right fit for him.

I kind of feel like I did him a disservice by bringing him here at all. He should have gone to another family from the beginning. We were matched with Henry only 3 months after we brought B-dog home and had we known we were bringing home a baby so quickly, we never would have got a dog.

But we got him and he came into our hearts. He's a pain in the butt, but we really love him.

It is difficult to explain to Henry that B-dog is going to live with another family. It is tough for him to understand.

My greatest fear is Henry will think we would do the same thing with him.

I talked to the social worker and K is 3 cm dilated, so she could go into labor any time now.

All of this is a lot of change for my little Henry and I am concerned about what his behavior is going to be like. He is not an easy kid to begin with, and all of this turmoil of losing his dog and becoming a big brother is going to be completely overwhelming to him.

And despite how sad I am about B-dog, I can only imagine what K is going through right now. What I am feeling about B-dog can't even match 1% of the emotion that first parents must feel.

It's an emotional time here at our house. We will get through it and things will get better, but right now we are stuck in an emotional sink hole.

I have to believe that dogs are adaptable and B-dog will find a family without small children that will love him well.

We will miss you, dogger.

On Top of Everything Else....

B-dog bit Henry in the face this morning. Henry is fine. We took him to the ER and he got 3 stitches on his cheek.

We have decided that we will have to send B-dog back to the rescue where we got him. We want everyone to be safe. But because he bit someone, he technically has to be in quarantine for 10 days, and that's supposed to be in the town where the incident occurred. In 10 days we will most likely be in FL, and I don't want this to happen again between now and then (though it is unlikely, I think.) I hate for it to drag on like this.

This has been a really horrible day.

I am feeling really sad about this decision, but know it is the right one.

We are doing ok. 

One week

There is one week left until the baby's due date.

I just spoke with the social worker. K is still committed to the adoption. But she knows how difficult it is going to be. My heart is breaking for her already. She doesn't want to meet us or see us in the hospital or anything. She wants to have the baby, see him once and then leave the hospital and try to move on.

I am in a very sad place around all of this. I know adoption is difficult, and I remember clearly how difficult it was to leave the hospital with Henry and watch CC and O. drive off without him. My heart broke in that moment and I do carry that around with me. My heart is already breaking for K.

So, even though the baby is due in a week, we probably won't fly down to go to him until after the consent forms are signed.

Most likely he will go in the NICU because of the meth@d0ne, though it isn't guaranteed. We have no idea how long he might be in there.

I just wish I could plan around this. Things are crazy at T's work and I don't know how to deal with a very active almost 4 year old while waiting around for his newborn brother. My parents want to come down with us, but I don't want them to know about the meth@d0ne.

I am feeling stressed and ready and sad.

Waiting game commence.