Up? Or Down?

I'm supposed to be working on my homework right now. I will do it. I will work on my homework, but I have to get used to sitting still and focusing. At least, that's how I'm justifying posting to myself.

I managed to be pretty distracted this weekend. The thing I'm noticing the most right now is that T and I are on opposite 'sad' schedules. I'm sad when he's not, and he's sad when I'm not. I wonder if this is just compensation. We are pretty opposite (in the way that we are good complements to each other), so maybe this is just a manifestation of that. But it's a total bummer.

I did lots of yard work and gardening this weekend. The weather was great. (Still is, actually.) I planted basil and cilantro in planters, I weeded our front garden and put down some seeds, which may or may not grow. I also planted some morning glory seeds in planters which I'm hoping will grow. I bought some clematis that I'm hoping will grow along our chain-link fence and pretty it up a little. Being outside and gardening is making me happy these days. It's somewhat ironic because I usually kill plants. But I've decided I love plants and taking care of the outside of the house, so it's a good distraction for me.

What's getting me down (and maybe T, but I can't tell for sure) is that it's getting to be my fertile time. Since we are planning to do IVF right now, getting pregnant and miscarrying would put it off for months. But there could also be a chance that I could stay pregnant and have a healthy baby by chance. I think right now it's too big of a risk for us, but it's totally in the back of my mind. But remembering how tough the last miscarriage was, I'm not sure I want to go through another one. Then again, going through all that IVF stuff and then miscarrying might be even worse. I guess I don't feel like I know what the best bet is.

Other BT couples are doing both things. But it is so hard. I've been feeling better these few days, but on some level I think I'm just fooling myself. Then again, I really don't want to be a sad person all the time. This may sound silly, but I enjoy enjoying working outside with the plants and in the garden. But I also feel like I might be fooling myself into being irrationally hopeful.

I just need to bide my time until that magic May 18 date. We'll get a whole bunch more information then. We just got our questionnaires for the first visit. Our personal lives are being recorded and placed in a file. It's really depressing to look at that form. But we're going to do what we can to get ourselves pregnant, and that's the way it is.

Hugs and luck to all those out there in their two week wait and in their first trimesters....