Goodbye Girl

Goodbye, girl.

Girl Cat

Our girl cat has cancer that has spread throughout her gut. She is not eating nor grooming herself. She just lies down and looks pained. I think we are going to have to put her down tomorrow. We are just so, so sad.

I'm worried that it's too soon as she'll still drink water and she'll still come find us to sit on us.

She doesn't purr anymore, though.

She looks so sad all the time. T wishes he didn't think it was time, but he does.

I feel so awful. Our poor, sweet girlie girl. We love her so.

The girl, before she got sick.

Sitting!

He's sitting on his own!!!! I'm so excited by this!

Go Henry!

6 months

Today our boy is 6 months old.
Happy half-year, Henry! We love you more than words can explain.

I am sure that CC and O. are thinking of you today, too.

Show and Tell: Baby Rachel

Show and Tell

All Mixed Up

Sometimes my emotions are so mixed up.

Henry's nap schedule is solidifying, which is great. But he isn't so great at napping outside the house and being home for his nap schedule and feedings makes it nearly impossible to ever leave. That makes me crazy. I am starting to figure out how to make it possible for him to do some good napping while at the same time allows me to go somewhere from time to time.

This is interfering with the dog's schedule a bit, which means every time I get up he jumps up as if he's going to get fed or go for a walk. This is a bit crazy making as well. I love the dog and have lost 17 lbs since getting him. Without him I wouldn't exercise nearly as much. But I wish I could make him understand the concept of, "Sorry, not right now. Every day is different." That's not really a dog's way. We're trying, though.

I need to figure out a way to do more 'me' stuff while Henry is napping. I find I just end up doing nothing on the computer while he naps and I don't like it. I'm working on knitting a sweater for Henry, but for whatever reason I don't pick it up. I think of reading a grown-up book, but I don't pick one up. I do sometimes do laundry or dishes during nap time, but I want to do something for ME and I'm not sure why I can't get inspired to do so.

I'm still thinking of my bitterness and how to work on it. I'm not feeling bitter right now; more sad. My friend who is pregnant just announced it on the evil FB. She has had major troubles and never thought this baby would ever happen, so my happiness for her is ENORMOUS. However, last time I saw her I freaked a little at her pregnant appearance. I just feel so much loss sometimes.

Maybe I I should try to remember announcing Henry's arrival and how shocked people were. That was kind of fun.

Not believing in 'destiny' or that things are 'meant to be' also slows the healing process, I think. I love Henry and I think our match with his birth parents is perfect. I can't picture us having a different set of birth parents or being the parents of any of the other babies in our adoptive families play group. None of those matches were the right match for us. Henry definitely was it. Still, I'm not one of those people who wouldn't change everything if I could go back in time. I know that if we had a genetic baby we would have loved it as much as we love Henry now.

Still, my love for little Henry sometimes overwhelms me. I just hope he never feels unloved or abandoned around his adoption. I think part of my sadness comes from wanting to protect him from the difficult feelings adoptees sometimes have. Of course it's natural for him to feel this way and I should allow him to feel what he needs to feel, but we all want to protect our children from hurt, even though that's impossible to do for a lifetime.

I'm also starting to think about home study #2.

My head is swirling today. Henry woke me up at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but then the cat woke me up at 6. Then the dog woke me up at 6:30. I'm feeling a little tired.

ETA:
A tooth broke through!

Also, teenagers are scary. (My niece is freaking me out a little.)

Play Group

We're off to our adoptive families play group. We meet once a month in some donated space by a local maternity/baby store. I'm trying to be the 'organizer.' We're bringing Henry's book along with us. We finally ordered his Adoption Story book from online so that we can send it to his birth parents for his 6 month birthday, which is Valentine's Day. I want to show it to everybody there.

I'm really glad we have this group. It's so nice to know that Henry will know other adopted kids as he's growing up, and it's especially nice that a couple of them are so close to him in age so that they could be play mates. I like that. I think a lot of adoption processing can be done through play, so it's nice to have people who can play along that theme.

Someone on the evil FB is posting about her home birth plan and talked about the 'birthing tub' and I have to say, these plans are currently not making me jealous. Baby steps.

Bitterness

I have decided that I need to try and let go of my bitterness. I need to do this for Henry's sake. I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough patch and she put it like this: I have a choice. I can be happy or I can be sad. Why should I be sad. I'm going to be happy.

Happiness isn't really my issue these days as Henry makes me happier than I ever imagined, but my bitterness and resentment around fertility is still strong. I need to let it go. I don't want to affect Henry in any way. Children indirectly pick up on things. I need to resolve this and move on.

It's just so hard. It's hard to know that I have to share my son with another set of parents when other people don't. This of course does not mean I am closing Henry's adoption and I will refuse to share him. That's just dumb and not in his best interest. That's not what I mean. I mean that if T and I were able to have a genetic child then this would not be an issue. This is one of the many reasons I'm sure that people choose to live child-free instead of adopting. My eyes were wide open about this when we adopted Henry. I knew what I was getting in to.

But that doesn't mean I still have some anger deep down inside of me about this fact. And I need to get it out and smash it to pieces so that it can go away.

I think part of what keeps my bitterness around is that tiny speck of hope that still lives in me. Even though my head tells me that T and I will never have a genetic child and that we did all of our trying and it's over, my heart knows that people with a BT diagnosis get pregnant the old fashioned way and have living, healthy children. I need to let that tiny grain of hope go away.

This will take time and effort. But I've decided to work on it.

Sick

Poor little Henry is sick. We think it's RSV. Went to the pediatrician yesterday, but he's since developed a fever.

I'm a pretty laid back mom, but this is REALLY freaking me out. He's so lethargic and just sleeping all the time. Luckily the Ty1en0l is helping.

We went to the Chi1dren's Museum on Saturday and I think he picked it up there.

We're going back to the doctor later this morning.

My poor little boy. I feel like crying seeing him suffer like this. I wish I could make him better.

Nope

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE INSIDES OF YOUR UTERUS. REALLY.

That is all.

a little better

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm feeling a little better now. It must have been mostly hormonal.

I do belong to a mom's group. I go every Tuesday morning and it's been great. I also have an adoptive families play group once per month and I went today to yet another adoptive families information session. I do try to plan something to do every single day to get out of the house. Plus, Henry and I go for a walk in the afternoon with B-dog most days which is yet something else to do. Usually I feel so busy that I look forward to a morning when I don't have anything going on.

But my hormones (I'm guessing) made me feel lonely. Since the trouble with my friend, I've been feeling insecure in friendships and like I need to make new friends. I'm trying but I haven't found anybody new that I really 'click' with so far. I mean, I enjoy my groups a lot, and there are two adoptive moms that I'm 'friend dating' to see if either of them really click, but just have felt that affinity lately.

And I had that I have to 'friend date.' It sucks. I used to be so good at making friends, but lately I feel like I just don't like anybody. It's difficult to meet people, but I want to have some friends who have kids around Henry's age.

Also, my parents are leaving for FL next week and I guess I'm feeling a little lonely and sad about that, too. I know that if I have nothing to do my mom will always be up for a little visit from Henry and me. But now that's not going to be a possibility for 2 months! It makes me feel a little more lonely.

Happily, I do have some lovely friends from here in blog land that I see, some more often than others, and I do know I have friends around. But I definitely need to work on this 'friend dating' thing. Yuck. Sigh. I thought I was done with that sort of thing when I met T. But regular dating is even more socially acceptable than friend dating.

I just have to push myself, I guess.

stuff

Henry is good. I've been feeling a little isolated recently. I think it's mostly PMS. I do keep busy and have things to do all day. I do realize how lucky I am to be able to stay home. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes taking care of a baby, no matter how well behaved and adorable he is, can be a little boring. With the freezing cold weather and PMS and things, I've been having a tough time of it the past few days. I have a busy week coming up so hopefully it won't last, but I guess it boils down to the fact that both Henry and I are pretty sick of our living room. I've signed up for a moms' night out dinner, and I think I have to make sure to leave Henry home with T on the weekends and make sure I have some 'me' time.

E&R&S gave Henry a giraffe. He loves it.

He's almost 5 months old. He's eating oatmeal and rolling over and seems pretty close to sitting up. He's the greatest kid. I love him to pieces. When his bottom lip curls, my heart melts. Why is that sad face so cute?

I'm working on making Henry a little yoda sweater. I hope my troubles lift.

Happy New Year

It is my sincere hope that those of you who struggled through 2009 find happiness and joy in 2010. I think about all of you every day, even if I don't know you.

May 2010 bring some joy to those who are still struggling.

Happy New Year.

Peace.

Henry rolled over

We gave Henry some oatmeal yesterday, and today he decided to roll over. It wasn't a fluke, he did it 4 times! Our little baby is growing into a boy.

Xmas morning

Friendships

How do you know when it is time to end a friendship?

I have been friends with this person for a long time -- over ten years. But I feel like I have to be SO CAREFUL about EVERYTHING I say less she take offense. She thinks I am very self centered. I think she's very self centered.

I'm not sure I have the energy to work this out this time. (This is the person who made the "pain Olympics" statement to me. She thinks I think everything is about me and I'm always out to "win" somehow.)

Does that means I just should leave it be and let the friendship die?

Tummy time

Thanks

Thanks for all your well-wishes. Yes, I'm blogging again. My MIL just left after being here for a week and I have to get some things out there.

First, I wanted to acknowledge what Holly said in my comments in that though I am not thankful for my infertility, I do think it has changed my perspective on things and I am much less likely to take things for granted. That is absolutely true.

Now, I just want to gripe about my MIL. She would stare at Henry and point out the tiniest physical flaws. The one I remember most clearly is that he has one pointy ear and one rounded ear. (?!?)

Then I showed her pictures of CC and O. to show her how much he looks like O. Then she said two things which I wish I had a response to. "I don't know how they did that. I could NEVER give up my baby." That one I've heard about and though it caught me off guard I blurted out something about circumstances and you just don't know what you would be able to do in a different place. It wasn't good enough and I didn't talk about what a loving choice it was. I was disappointed with my response, but I was just not prepared.

The second thing she said was, "I'm just so glad that they gave birth to him and didn't have an abortion." Ummm.... I just don't know how to respond to that. I have NOTHING to say to that. How do you respond to that?

I hate how much she drives me nuts, but she really really does. I hope it didn't show through too much. She did enjoy her time with Henry despite her saying constantly how she doesn't know anything about babies any more and she doesn't know what she's doing, and about how fat and what a blob she is. She's a hypochondriac and comes up with all these insane theories about why she doesn't have any energy. I have never seen her where she didn't say, "I'm feeling better than I was, but I just haven't got my energy back." Seems to me she hasn't had her energy since I've known her, but whatever.

Anyway, enough b1tching on my part. Thanks for listening. Let blogging break commence again. :)

Blogging

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging or not. I may take a break for a while. I've never had much in the way of readership (which is fine with me) and I've used this blog as a catharsis. I'm doing pretty well these days and I'm just not sure I feel like taking the time to blog. This is pretty obvious as I haven't been blogging that often lately. I may find the need to blog again in which case I will. But expect posts to be few and far between.

One thing I wanted to say before I take my break is kind of weird to say and I don't really know how to start. I guess I have read other people's blogs who have said that they're thankful in some ways for all of the trouble they had with infertility because without it they wouldn't have their child. I do not feel this way. I love Henry so much I could never put it in to words, and I feel my love for him grow bigger every single day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I believe our match with CC and O. was an excellent one and everything worked out. That being said, I also believe that if we didn't struggle in the way we did, we'd love the child we had as much as we love Henry, and we wouldn't have had to suffer nearly as much. I guess I just don't believe in fate or in things that are "meant to be." I do, however, believe in the way things are, and right now things are good.

Henry and me in a ring sling I made. It needs a little more work.

Thankful