I didn't much like 2008. I was unemployed, I had a miscarriage with donor sperm, my insurance company stopped covering my infertility treatment, I came to the full realization that my husband and I will never create a child together, and I truly began to believe that I will never be pregnant long enough to bear a live child.
I am glad to see 2008 go.
But I do hold out a little hope that 2009 might be better. We have a new administration coming in, and I hope to be able to be proud of my country again. And there is a very small possibility that there might be a chance that the opportunity to become parents could present itself to us at some point in the coming year.
But we all know that hope is a bitch.
All that being said, I'm sure I'll be asleep at midnight.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Swirling thoughts
My thoughts have been all over the place lately. The holidays always make me feel weird. I'm Jewish, and I have a strong ethnic identity with being an Ashkenazi Jew. I'm not very observant (or observant at all, really), but there was a time in college that I actually thought about going to rabbinical school. I really enjoy the study of religion and comparative religion. In the end, I couldn't picture myself actually being a rabbi, even if I would enjoy rabbinical school, so I decided it wasn't the correct educational path for me.
T is not Jewish. He went to church a little bit when he was younger, but he is very disillusioned with organized religion and he vehemently does not believe in god. I sort of believe in god, but not really in the traditional Judeo-Christian way of believing in god. When T and I talk about these types of things, even though we put different words to the way we believe the world works, our differences are essentially semantic. It's pretty striking, however, how important semantics is under these circumstances.
Before we got married, I told T that I wanted to raise our children Jewish. Because I have such a strong cultural identification with Judaism, it has always been important to me to have children that identify as Jewish. I also sort of feel like the world has tried to eliminate the Jewish people so many times, and by abandoning the Jewish tradition, I'd be abandoning the strong history of the Jewish people. I don't know, it was kind of like if I didn't raise my children as Jews that Hitler would win somehow. I know that sounds crazy, and I didn't even have any immediate family still in Europe during WWII -- 3 out of 4 grandparents were born in this country. But I still believe that I owe it to my 'people' to continue at least some of my traditions, even if they are Americanized and not followed particularly strongly.
Unlike most western religions or ethnicities, Judiasm passes from mother to child. A child born of a Jewish mother is Jewish. It doesn't matter if the father is not -- Judaism is matralinial. When we were trying to have a child, I felt like my child would be Jewish because genetically he or she would come from me.
Now that we are adopting, I feel really differently about all of this. When you educate yourself about adoption, you learn that it is really important to acknowledge the genetic history of your child. People who adopt from other countries often try to learn as much as possible about the child's home country and often try to education them about what life is like back there so that they can have some connection to their roots.
As I heard a conversation about klezmer and other Jewish music on the radio yesterday, it really got me to thinking about all of this stuff. I guess I'm not sure how to reconcile all of this mixed culture stuff. I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I feel like abandoning my attempts at trying to stay a little Jewish. I mean, I know I'll always be a little Jewish, but at some point it seems like trying to pass that on it's no longer worth it. But then I think I'm being defeatist. My brothers' families are mixed marriages and the children, to varying extents, are Jewish. One of my SILs is about to convert after being married to my brother for 15 years. One of their kids was adopted, and she is 'vehemently' Jewish -- meaning she notices how Christian-centric everything in the US is. So even though all of my nieces and nephews are technically not Jewish (none of their birth mothers were Jewish at the time of their birth) they all still identify at least somewhat as Jewish.
I'm just not sure how to reconcile all of these things. Being Jewish is a kind of unique thing -- there are certain experiences that come from being brought up Jewish in the US and dealing with Christmas that somehow makes you different. Being out of school for the high holidays and teaching people about matzoh when you bring it to school for lunch adds to this experience. And even after my SIL converts, she doesn't quite understand that part. And that's the ethnic, cultural part of being and American Ashkenazi Jew that I'm talking about. Even after she converts, she'll still 'miss' Christmas -- which I know she does. (Understandibly -- Christmas can be such a lovely thing for some families. And then there's the smell of pine and the decorations and the significance of ornaments, etc. Though it hasn't been my experience, I listen when people talk about such things and have been at friends' houses while they decorated the tree.)
I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't know what our family traditions are going to become as we form our family, and I know it's going to be a bunch of traditions mixed together. And I guess my real question is that how much watering down turns a tradition into nothing?
This time of year often brings these questions up for me. And it's always weird to think about because I know my behavior would change if I was with someone who was Jewish. The questions I would be posing would be different ones.
I suppose I should find someone to talk to about all of these issues. I think I'd like to, but my work situation makes it not so easy. Maybe I can in a couple of months after things have settled down.
T is not Jewish. He went to church a little bit when he was younger, but he is very disillusioned with organized religion and he vehemently does not believe in god. I sort of believe in god, but not really in the traditional Judeo-Christian way of believing in god. When T and I talk about these types of things, even though we put different words to the way we believe the world works, our differences are essentially semantic. It's pretty striking, however, how important semantics is under these circumstances.
Before we got married, I told T that I wanted to raise our children Jewish. Because I have such a strong cultural identification with Judaism, it has always been important to me to have children that identify as Jewish. I also sort of feel like the world has tried to eliminate the Jewish people so many times, and by abandoning the Jewish tradition, I'd be abandoning the strong history of the Jewish people. I don't know, it was kind of like if I didn't raise my children as Jews that Hitler would win somehow. I know that sounds crazy, and I didn't even have any immediate family still in Europe during WWII -- 3 out of 4 grandparents were born in this country. But I still believe that I owe it to my 'people' to continue at least some of my traditions, even if they are Americanized and not followed particularly strongly.
Unlike most western religions or ethnicities, Judiasm passes from mother to child. A child born of a Jewish mother is Jewish. It doesn't matter if the father is not -- Judaism is matralinial. When we were trying to have a child, I felt like my child would be Jewish because genetically he or she would come from me.
Now that we are adopting, I feel really differently about all of this. When you educate yourself about adoption, you learn that it is really important to acknowledge the genetic history of your child. People who adopt from other countries often try to learn as much as possible about the child's home country and often try to education them about what life is like back there so that they can have some connection to their roots.
As I heard a conversation about klezmer and other Jewish music on the radio yesterday, it really got me to thinking about all of this stuff. I guess I'm not sure how to reconcile all of this mixed culture stuff. I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I feel like abandoning my attempts at trying to stay a little Jewish. I mean, I know I'll always be a little Jewish, but at some point it seems like trying to pass that on it's no longer worth it. But then I think I'm being defeatist. My brothers' families are mixed marriages and the children, to varying extents, are Jewish. One of my SILs is about to convert after being married to my brother for 15 years. One of their kids was adopted, and she is 'vehemently' Jewish -- meaning she notices how Christian-centric everything in the US is. So even though all of my nieces and nephews are technically not Jewish (none of their birth mothers were Jewish at the time of their birth) they all still identify at least somewhat as Jewish.
I'm just not sure how to reconcile all of these things. Being Jewish is a kind of unique thing -- there are certain experiences that come from being brought up Jewish in the US and dealing with Christmas that somehow makes you different. Being out of school for the high holidays and teaching people about matzoh when you bring it to school for lunch adds to this experience. And even after my SIL converts, she doesn't quite understand that part. And that's the ethnic, cultural part of being and American Ashkenazi Jew that I'm talking about. Even after she converts, she'll still 'miss' Christmas -- which I know she does. (Understandibly -- Christmas can be such a lovely thing for some families. And then there's the smell of pine and the decorations and the significance of ornaments, etc. Though it hasn't been my experience, I listen when people talk about such things and have been at friends' houses while they decorated the tree.)
I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't know what our family traditions are going to become as we form our family, and I know it's going to be a bunch of traditions mixed together. And I guess my real question is that how much watering down turns a tradition into nothing?
This time of year often brings these questions up for me. And it's always weird to think about because I know my behavior would change if I was with someone who was Jewish. The questions I would be posing would be different ones.
I suppose I should find someone to talk to about all of these issues. I think I'd like to, but my work situation makes it not so easy. Maybe I can in a couple of months after things have settled down.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Marshmallows
I made marshmallows.
Then I dipped them in dark chocolate.
This is what I made for dessert today.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Snowy Morning
It's a snowy morning in New England. We've cleaned it up, but there is more coming tomorrow. Our family Chanukah party that was planned for tomorrow may be postponed. I blew off my plans from last night because I didn't want to trek through the snowstorm.
The coffee is good this morning. I find sitting at home with the snow outside to be relaxing.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Rainy days and Mondays
Today was better than last week. Nobody really yelled at me on the phone.
This weekend was pretty good in terms of the things we did. We went out for some nice Ethiopian food and had a cupcake from one of those trendy cupcake places that keep cropping up. We also went to one of our niece's 11th birthday party. I made a hat and mittens for her, and she was pleased with them.
I got some bad news from some friends, too. I found out one friend has separated from her husband, and another got some bad infertility news. The one who is separated is sad, but seems to be doing okay. The fellow infertile isn't doing so well as she got the diagnosis that the chance of spontaneous conception was very, very low. Because it is secondary infertility, I think she feels like her sadness doesn't appreciate her kid enough or something. I don't know much about secondary infertility, but I do know it sucks. All infertility sucks.
It's so weird when these types of issues come into real life. I feel like I don't know how to comfort my friends. I send them emails or call them on the phone, but there is really nothing to do or say. It's all about listening and agreeing that it all sucks. But somehow that doesn't make anybody feel any better.
I don't know if I liked people talking to me when I got bad news or if I preferred to be left alone. I think I generally liked to be left alone, but I'm not really sure.
I just wish I could do more for them.
This weekend was pretty good in terms of the things we did. We went out for some nice Ethiopian food and had a cupcake from one of those trendy cupcake places that keep cropping up. We also went to one of our niece's 11th birthday party. I made a hat and mittens for her, and she was pleased with them.
I got some bad news from some friends, too. I found out one friend has separated from her husband, and another got some bad infertility news. The one who is separated is sad, but seems to be doing okay. The fellow infertile isn't doing so well as she got the diagnosis that the chance of spontaneous conception was very, very low. Because it is secondary infertility, I think she feels like her sadness doesn't appreciate her kid enough or something. I don't know much about secondary infertility, but I do know it sucks. All infertility sucks.
It's so weird when these types of issues come into real life. I feel like I don't know how to comfort my friends. I send them emails or call them on the phone, but there is really nothing to do or say. It's all about listening and agreeing that it all sucks. But somehow that doesn't make anybody feel any better.
I don't know if I liked people talking to me when I got bad news or if I preferred to be left alone. I think I generally liked to be left alone, but I'm not really sure.
I just wish I could do more for them.
Friday, December 12, 2008
End of a bad week
This week sucked. I am so glad it is over. Work was bad, life was bad, but mostly work was bad. These are two of the busiest weeks of the year, and I have been yelled at more than I can remember ever being yelled at -- and definitely the worst at this job. People are just very, very unhappy.
Today was slightly better, but it was just a crapfest of a week.
And now I'm really, really busy for the next week. We have something to do throughout this weekend through next weekend. I think our only empty days after today are Monday and Tuesday until next Monday the 22nd. And the 23rd is T's birthday, and he is not happy about it. Milestones suck.
The one good thing was today was slightly better, and I went to a meeting with my new department and got some assignments! So, I get to take some time to do some non-phone work in the upcoming weeks, which I'm really excited about. That and my taxi service ends in a few weeks.
The future is very, very slowly becoming the present. S l o w l y.
------------------------------
Just got the mail and we got the letter.
We are officially a waiting family with our adoption agency.
Today was slightly better, but it was just a crapfest of a week.
And now I'm really, really busy for the next week. We have something to do throughout this weekend through next weekend. I think our only empty days after today are Monday and Tuesday until next Monday the 22nd. And the 23rd is T's birthday, and he is not happy about it. Milestones suck.
The one good thing was today was slightly better, and I went to a meeting with my new department and got some assignments! So, I get to take some time to do some non-phone work in the upcoming weeks, which I'm really excited about. That and my taxi service ends in a few weeks.
The future is very, very slowly becoming the present. S l o w l y.
------------------------------
Just got the mail and we got the letter.
We are officially a waiting family with our adoption agency.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Bye bye vials
I just filled out the form to sell back our two remaining vials of donor sperm. I'm not sure I mentioned this, but we got a call from the cryobank saying that at new genetic test had become reliable and they've started testing all the vials. Of course, our donor was one of the few that tested positive. I'm not exactly sure what the test is for, but it's a recessive gene that, if both biological parents carry it (like Cystic Fibrosis) and the kid gets it, it's a horrible muscle wasting disease like Muscular Dystrophy and it can lead to death in children at around 2 years of age.
Why do I feel like it figures that the donor we chose would have this? This is the donor I had the miscarriage with. I don't know if I carry that gene -- most likely I don't -- but still. Weird.
Anyway, the cryobank offered to exchange the vials for a new donor, but we really are never doing to do more inseminations, so we're hoping to just sell it back. At a loss. A 50% loss. They only pay you 50% of what you paid for it. Of course. It's a freaking racket. But any way.
Bye bye vials.
Why do I feel like it figures that the donor we chose would have this? This is the donor I had the miscarriage with. I don't know if I carry that gene -- most likely I don't -- but still. Weird.
Anyway, the cryobank offered to exchange the vials for a new donor, but we really are never doing to do more inseminations, so we're hoping to just sell it back. At a loss. A 50% loss. They only pay you 50% of what you paid for it. Of course. It's a freaking racket. But any way.
Bye bye vials.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Cranky
I need some food and we're not doing anything tonight, so I'm feeling particularly cranky right now. T ordered a pizza, so I will be getting some food soon. Hopefully that will help.
I also have to work on my niece's birthday present, but I'm too cranky to knit. I've been too cranky to knit quite often lately. But her party is in a week and I have to get it done.
Tomorrow E and little S are stopping over for a visit. He's 2 1/2 now. It's amazing how much time has passed. All of the pregnancies that happened while we were having our miscarriages are now toddlers turning 2. I think about how they'll probably be nearly 4 when we finally become parents.
I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. I'm not in a sane place. I don't really feel like myself. We spent hours waiting for a new tire today. We went shopping and we each bought a new pair of shoes. T also got a new travel mug which he is very excited about. I tried to take the mildew stains out of our canvas shower curtain by soaking in in Oxy*Cle@n for several hours, but the mildew stains are still there.
We need to do some cleaning, but I'm just in no state of mind to do that. I get frustrated with my job, but I definitely like being busy. I look forward to the weekend so much, and then I tend to get cranky when the weekend comes if we don't have enough things to do. I just feel so unsatisfied by everything all of the time. I think we're pretty busy for the next two weekends, so that is a good thing. Then it's Xmas with my parents and my brother, but I'm not sure we have plans for that weekend.
Pizza has arrived.
I also have to work on my niece's birthday present, but I'm too cranky to knit. I've been too cranky to knit quite often lately. But her party is in a week and I have to get it done.
Tomorrow E and little S are stopping over for a visit. He's 2 1/2 now. It's amazing how much time has passed. All of the pregnancies that happened while we were having our miscarriages are now toddlers turning 2. I think about how they'll probably be nearly 4 when we finally become parents.
I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. I'm not in a sane place. I don't really feel like myself. We spent hours waiting for a new tire today. We went shopping and we each bought a new pair of shoes. T also got a new travel mug which he is very excited about. I tried to take the mildew stains out of our canvas shower curtain by soaking in in Oxy*Cle@n for several hours, but the mildew stains are still there.
We need to do some cleaning, but I'm just in no state of mind to do that. I get frustrated with my job, but I definitely like being busy. I look forward to the weekend so much, and then I tend to get cranky when the weekend comes if we don't have enough things to do. I just feel so unsatisfied by everything all of the time. I think we're pretty busy for the next two weekends, so that is a good thing. Then it's Xmas with my parents and my brother, but I'm not sure we have plans for that weekend.
Pizza has arrived.
Monday, December 01, 2008
One holiday down...
Got through the holiday okay. Nothing too bad. My extended family has become slightly difficult to deal with, but in general it was fine. I did get to do that paint your own clay thing with my nieces. One of them, H (age 9), saw how excited I was to be there and do the painting and she said to me, "If you adopt a girl you'll take her to places like this all the time." I thought that was cute and very interesting -- the kids definitely think about us and kids and the adoption. I was a little surprised, but it was a nice thing to hear.
T and I also drove up to Portland, ME to see a college friend of mine. The weather was nice and it was great to see her and she and T get along really well as they are both political junkies. We got to walk around and have some great beer and coffee. It was nice.
Now it's back to work and it should be a pretty busy month for me. Tonight we are meeting someone who is also a waiting parent -- she is doing international adoption as a SMC and is just looking for some compatriots. We'll have a meal and share angst.
Got a hard copy of our home study today. There were some tiny changes to make, but overall it was a really nice document. It made us sound like a good couple and good potential parents. It also made me feel like we are the way we think we are. I guess that's good, right?
So, we have a few more weeks of Xmas crap. (Sorry to those of you who love the holiday season. I've never been much for the whole Xmas/Holiday thing.) Then it will be a new year and we'll have a new president and I won't be a taxi driver any more and I will start a new position in my company.
I am looking forward to the change toward the new year.
T and I also drove up to Portland, ME to see a college friend of mine. The weather was nice and it was great to see her and she and T get along really well as they are both political junkies. We got to walk around and have some great beer and coffee. It was nice.
Now it's back to work and it should be a pretty busy month for me. Tonight we are meeting someone who is also a waiting parent -- she is doing international adoption as a SMC and is just looking for some compatriots. We'll have a meal and share angst.
Got a hard copy of our home study today. There were some tiny changes to make, but overall it was a really nice document. It made us sound like a good couple and good potential parents. It also made me feel like we are the way we think we are. I guess that's good, right?
So, we have a few more weeks of Xmas crap. (Sorry to those of you who love the holiday season. I've never been much for the whole Xmas/Holiday thing.) Then it will be a new year and we'll have a new president and I won't be a taxi driver any more and I will start a new position in my company.
I am looking forward to the change toward the new year.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers out there.
Had some seafood with the family last night. Never sure what time with my extended family might be like, but it wasn't too bad. Did come to the realization that my Uncle is really an 'old boys club' kind of guy when he asked where I was working these days and I told him, and then told him that my cousins use the product that my company produces. He thought that product might be good for him, and instead of asking me about how he would go about using it (since, you know, I support people who have technical questions about said product) he started asking my cousin. My cousin is a man. He only asks other men business related questions. He asked T and my brother an opinion about some business venture he has going on. He would never ask me that same question. None of this is much of a surprise, really, but I just had never thought about it that concretely. He really dismisses the opinions of women. He's on his third marriage, and I think this one will last because she's a helpless princess and he can take care of her. That makes him happy.
We meet at my parents at 3 today. I made the applesauce a few days ago and I just finished making some deviled eggs. Next I'm going to make our family's delicious carrot souffle recipe. Yum!
Hope everybody has a good day.
Had some seafood with the family last night. Never sure what time with my extended family might be like, but it wasn't too bad. Did come to the realization that my Uncle is really an 'old boys club' kind of guy when he asked where I was working these days and I told him, and then told him that my cousins use the product that my company produces. He thought that product might be good for him, and instead of asking me about how he would go about using it (since, you know, I support people who have technical questions about said product) he started asking my cousin. My cousin is a man. He only asks other men business related questions. He asked T and my brother an opinion about some business venture he has going on. He would never ask me that same question. None of this is much of a surprise, really, but I just had never thought about it that concretely. He really dismisses the opinions of women. He's on his third marriage, and I think this one will last because she's a helpless princess and he can take care of her. That makes him happy.
We meet at my parents at 3 today. I made the applesauce a few days ago and I just finished making some deviled eggs. Next I'm going to make our family's delicious carrot souffle recipe. Yum!
Hope everybody has a good day.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wonderful.
Wonderful cheese,
wonderful apps,
wonderful wine,
wonderful meal,
wonderful dessert,
wonderful husband.
wonderful apps,
wonderful wine,
wonderful meal,
wonderful dessert,
wonderful husband.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A little better for now
The fourth grade in my brother and sister-in-law's town has a 'wax museum' night every year where the fourth graders read a biography and then they write about them, memorize their spiel and sit or stand in a dark gym. Parents and family come to the gym and wave a flashlight at the fourth graders and they recite their spiel.
We went to Wax Museum night tonight. Our nice H did a wonderful job as Mia Hamm. It's such a great idea, and the kids made some interesting choices in their biographies.
After the performance we want to brother and SIL's for dinner. Yummy beef stew. Nephew is reading a book we gave him for his birthday and enjoying it. We gossiped about Thanksgiving occurrences and laughed a lot.
Two of the young children will not be coming for Thanksgiving due to a full-on family illness. Of course that's the one young family that knows about our situation and would be appropriately understanding, I think. My extended family is insane.
I'm feeling a little better after the family time. My SIL hadn't been acting like herself and we had been worried, but she has been getting and better and tonight it was just like having the old SIL back. And it was so nice. And the niece and nephew are great. And my family is funny, and we had fun.
And I told my taxi-riders that after January 1st I will be a taxi no more.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We will go out for a nice dinner, and then we will have one more day of work before the family chaos starts.
An old college friend sent an email and T and I will go visit her and I am excited to see her and catch up.
I'm hopeful that in the morning my spirits will be a little lifted for our anniversary, which is still the best thing that has happened to me. Despite everything I am so lucky to have my wonderful T in my life and I am just so thankful for him.
We went to Wax Museum night tonight. Our nice H did a wonderful job as Mia Hamm. It's such a great idea, and the kids made some interesting choices in their biographies.
After the performance we want to brother and SIL's for dinner. Yummy beef stew. Nephew is reading a book we gave him for his birthday and enjoying it. We gossiped about Thanksgiving occurrences and laughed a lot.
Two of the young children will not be coming for Thanksgiving due to a full-on family illness. Of course that's the one young family that knows about our situation and would be appropriately understanding, I think. My extended family is insane.
I'm feeling a little better after the family time. My SIL hadn't been acting like herself and we had been worried, but she has been getting and better and tonight it was just like having the old SIL back. And it was so nice. And the niece and nephew are great. And my family is funny, and we had fun.
And I told my taxi-riders that after January 1st I will be a taxi no more.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We will go out for a nice dinner, and then we will have one more day of work before the family chaos starts.
An old college friend sent an email and T and I will go visit her and I am excited to see her and catch up.
I'm hopeful that in the morning my spirits will be a little lifted for our anniversary, which is still the best thing that has happened to me. Despite everything I am so lucky to have my wonderful T in my life and I am just so thankful for him.
Down
Feeling down.
Felt down all weekend. Saturday I could barely get off the couch. Sunday was better, but it's Monday morning, and I'm still feeling bad.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We made reservations at someplace nice. It's supposed to rain hard all day.
There are going to be lots of little kids around for Thanksgiving. I think 5 under 5. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so down. If one of my pregnancies had worked out, we'd have a 1 or 2 year old at this point.
I don't want to skip Thanksgiving because I think that will be worse, but I'm not in a very good place right now.
Felt down all weekend. Saturday I could barely get off the couch. Sunday was better, but it's Monday morning, and I'm still feeling bad.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. We made reservations at someplace nice. It's supposed to rain hard all day.
There are going to be lots of little kids around for Thanksgiving. I think 5 under 5. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so down. If one of my pregnancies had worked out, we'd have a 1 or 2 year old at this point.
I don't want to skip Thanksgiving because I think that will be worse, but I'm not in a very good place right now.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
PMS
I'm a little pre-menstrual. That may have been a part of my rant yesterday about my carpool. That being said, I have still decided to end it.
And I also have to remind myself that it is not a carpool because we do not share driving responsibility. It is more like a taxi service.
But anyway, I remembered that I wanted to write down this story for posterity. The woman who sits in the cube next to me asked me if I was interested in adopting a dog. I love dogs, and I kind of want a dog, but we are not planning on getting a dog right now. So I asked why. Apparently a friend of hers has a dog that attacked their child. And this couple has another child on the way, and they need to get rid of the dog because it attacks children. So apparently I'm a prime candidate for the baby-attacking dog. I might want it. You see, because we don't have any children, we might be interested in taking in a dog that attacks babies. Make sense? It does to her!
Oh! And another story for posterity. One of the recipients of my friendly daily taxi service has two kids. She constantly reads Parents magazine and talks about her kids every morning -- she usually complains about how terrible and difficult her children are, but then will say it's mostly worth it, she guesses. I think I've mentioned that her MIL does most of the parenting for her children, but that's a little beside the point.
Anyway, we were listening to Johnny Cash and there's this song about a dog and Johnny Cash sings about this "dirty old egg-sucking dog." B goes on to tell us (me and the other taxi-er) that sometimes she tells her 2-year-old that he's lucky he's so cute because his behavior is so terrible that otherwise she would give him away. Yes, she tells her two year old son that she wants to give him away because he's bad. But she doesn't because he's cute. Isn't that a great message? She says it to him in front of her other son who is 5. Yay! I usually don't say anything to B about her horrible parenting, but I couldn't stop myself with that one. I told her that saying such a thing was horrible. She said she wouldn't say it to him if he understood what she meant! I informed her that kids understand a lot more than she thinks. The 2-year-old J is definitely not an easy kid. I would guess this is true not only because of his parents' poor parenting skills, but because that is just how this kid is. I believe that. But to think that telling a 2-year-old he better behave or else you will give him away might improve his behavior is insane! Why would you not understand that this would probably create more behavior problems, I do not know. After I expressed my horror, she said she guesses she had better stop saying that to J.
Oh. My. God.
Yes, I have PMS, but these are the types of things that drive me crazy. I'm not in the best place right now.
And I also have to remind myself that it is not a carpool because we do not share driving responsibility. It is more like a taxi service.
But anyway, I remembered that I wanted to write down this story for posterity. The woman who sits in the cube next to me asked me if I was interested in adopting a dog. I love dogs, and I kind of want a dog, but we are not planning on getting a dog right now. So I asked why. Apparently a friend of hers has a dog that attacked their child. And this couple has another child on the way, and they need to get rid of the dog because it attacks children. So apparently I'm a prime candidate for the baby-attacking dog. I might want it. You see, because we don't have any children, we might be interested in taking in a dog that attacks babies. Make sense? It does to her!
Oh! And another story for posterity. One of the recipients of my friendly daily taxi service has two kids. She constantly reads Parents magazine and talks about her kids every morning -- she usually complains about how terrible and difficult her children are, but then will say it's mostly worth it, she guesses. I think I've mentioned that her MIL does most of the parenting for her children, but that's a little beside the point.
Anyway, we were listening to Johnny Cash and there's this song about a dog and Johnny Cash sings about this "dirty old egg-sucking dog." B goes on to tell us (me and the other taxi-er) that sometimes she tells her 2-year-old that he's lucky he's so cute because his behavior is so terrible that otherwise she would give him away. Yes, she tells her two year old son that she wants to give him away because he's bad. But she doesn't because he's cute. Isn't that a great message? She says it to him in front of her other son who is 5. Yay! I usually don't say anything to B about her horrible parenting, but I couldn't stop myself with that one. I told her that saying such a thing was horrible. She said she wouldn't say it to him if he understood what she meant! I informed her that kids understand a lot more than she thinks. The 2-year-old J is definitely not an easy kid. I would guess this is true not only because of his parents' poor parenting skills, but because that is just how this kid is. I believe that. But to think that telling a 2-year-old he better behave or else you will give him away might improve his behavior is insane! Why would you not understand that this would probably create more behavior problems, I do not know. After I expressed my horror, she said she guesses she had better stop saying that to J.
Oh. My. God.
Yes, I have PMS, but these are the types of things that drive me crazy. I'm not in the best place right now.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Carpool
I just don't think I can take it any more. I hate my carpool.
They give me $60 per month for gas money. I get way more than $60 worth of grief from this.
I think starting January 1st, this carpool is over.
I'm so bad at telling people stuff like this, though. What do I say? I can't tell them I hate them and they bother me so I don't want to drive them any more. I can't tell them that their annoying behavior isn't worth the money they pay me every month. I'm not like that.
I'm just going to have to say that I need a break and I'm going to be starting a new job pretty soon and it's just not going to work for me any more.
I'll tell them after Thanksgiving.
God, I hate them. I HATE THEM!
They give me $60 per month for gas money. I get way more than $60 worth of grief from this.
I think starting January 1st, this carpool is over.
I'm so bad at telling people stuff like this, though. What do I say? I can't tell them I hate them and they bother me so I don't want to drive them any more. I can't tell them that their annoying behavior isn't worth the money they pay me every month. I'm not like that.
I'm just going to have to say that I need a break and I'm going to be starting a new job pretty soon and it's just not going to work for me any more.
I'll tell them after Thanksgiving.
God, I hate them. I HATE THEM!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Making plans
Our 3rd wedding anniversary is one week from today. We are trying to make plans to do something nice. We want to go out to a nice dinner on the actual day of our anniversary -- but not too nice -- because we are hoping to get a weekend away on the first weekend in December. As a gift to ourselves. We don't go away much and we think it will be good for us to go away. We need to pamper ourselves.
I don't want to use any vacation time because we're hoping to visit my parents in Florida in February or March, but leaving Saturday morning, staying in a hotel, going out to a nice dinner all seems like a good get-away.
We just have to make the damn reservations.
Otherwise, everything is the same. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing us by and I am just standing on the side of the road watching it pass.
I don't want to use any vacation time because we're hoping to visit my parents in Florida in February or March, but leaving Saturday morning, staying in a hotel, going out to a nice dinner all seems like a good get-away.
We just have to make the damn reservations.
Otherwise, everything is the same. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing us by and I am just standing on the side of the road watching it pass.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Trying to keep on keeping on
While we haven't decided exactly what to do regarding our book, things are slightly better today. I suspect that we'll change it around a bunch, but we most likely will leave in at least one picture of the cats. But this decision is ongoing.
T has been having trouble at work, but after a long week of fretting and freaking out, things have settled down a little in that area. Things were talked out, tentative agreements were made and it seems like his work is going to be moving forward in a reasonable way, at least for now. So that is a good thing.
I'm still totally sick of my current job, but I am living with it. My carpoolies still suck, but I am riding with them. My job is just stuck until after the new year.
I also found, on one of the many social networking sites I use, a birth mother that I was able to have a conversation with. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be able to talk to birth moms. I feel I approach adoption with concerns, and I like to see the concerns from the 'other side' too. And it makes me feel so good when we view things similar, even while on opposite ends.
What really helped me was having both sides agree that the emptiness that comes from infertility can give us insight into the emptiness that comes from deciding to have your child brought up by another set of parents. I know that the situations are completely different, but it is the shared experience of emptiness that allows T and me to have such empathy for birth moms. And that, in turn, should help us understand how to navigate our adoption and our openness.
This has been such a long week, and I'm just so glad it is over. I hope I can find a little rest and relaxation during the weekend.
T has been having trouble at work, but after a long week of fretting and freaking out, things have settled down a little in that area. Things were talked out, tentative agreements were made and it seems like his work is going to be moving forward in a reasonable way, at least for now. So that is a good thing.
I'm still totally sick of my current job, but I am living with it. My carpoolies still suck, but I am riding with them. My job is just stuck until after the new year.
I also found, on one of the many social networking sites I use, a birth mother that I was able to have a conversation with. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be able to talk to birth moms. I feel I approach adoption with concerns, and I like to see the concerns from the 'other side' too. And it makes me feel so good when we view things similar, even while on opposite ends.
What really helped me was having both sides agree that the emptiness that comes from infertility can give us insight into the emptiness that comes from deciding to have your child brought up by another set of parents. I know that the situations are completely different, but it is the shared experience of emptiness that allows T and me to have such empathy for birth moms. And that, in turn, should help us understand how to navigate our adoption and our openness.
This has been such a long week, and I'm just so glad it is over. I hope I can find a little rest and relaxation during the weekend.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Redo
The potential facilitator pretty much wants us to redo our book. Sigh.
I found a lot of her suggestions to be fine. I can rework it much in the way she wants.
But she wants us to take out the pictures of the cats. She says a lot of birth mothers skip over books because of cats. There apparently is some old wives tale about cats sitting on a baby's face and suffocating it.
This bothers me on so many levels. One, I sort of feel like it makes it seem like she sees birth mothers as ignorant and superstitious, which is kind of an insult to them. And I also feel like it will misrepresent us to take them out. They are part of our family.
She told us all her suggestions were optional and we didn't have to take them.
But talking to her about it made me, for the first time, feel pressure. I felt like I was talking to a high pressure marketing person. I didn't like it.
Part of me thinks we should just do what she says, for the most part. Looking for another outreach person -- an agency or attorney or another facilitator -- just seems like too much at this point. I enjoyed talking to her.
I just don't like high pressure and I felt a little pressure.
I'm not sure what to do. Sleeping on things is always good, so that is what I'm going to do.
I found a lot of her suggestions to be fine. I can rework it much in the way she wants.
But she wants us to take out the pictures of the cats. She says a lot of birth mothers skip over books because of cats. There apparently is some old wives tale about cats sitting on a baby's face and suffocating it.
This bothers me on so many levels. One, I sort of feel like it makes it seem like she sees birth mothers as ignorant and superstitious, which is kind of an insult to them. And I also feel like it will misrepresent us to take them out. They are part of our family.
She told us all her suggestions were optional and we didn't have to take them.
But talking to her about it made me, for the first time, feel pressure. I felt like I was talking to a high pressure marketing person. I didn't like it.
Part of me thinks we should just do what she says, for the most part. Looking for another outreach person -- an agency or attorney or another facilitator -- just seems like too much at this point. I enjoyed talking to her.
I just don't like high pressure and I felt a little pressure.
I'm not sure what to do. Sleeping on things is always good, so that is what I'm going to do.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Photo Book
We sent the photo book with dear birth mother letter to our potential facilitator. She has some suggestions.
Sigh.
I hope they're minor.
Sigh.
I hope they're minor.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Moving along
Nothing new here.
Talked to the facilitator again last night. I like her. We're continuing to move forward with her. She said that due to the tough economic times, the domestic adoption arena has changed a little. It has really ramped up lately, but with these times a slightly higher number of women are looking to make adoption plans, and a slightly lower number of potential adoptive parents are able to afford all of the fees, so there is a slight increase in placements for her lately.
Which makes me a little nervous. But in a good way.
We still want an attorney to review her contract before we send it in, but once that is reviewed, I think we'll be moving forward.
It's just so difficult for me to accept that this may happen. I can't explain it, but my nervousness comes from being in a place where I was convinced that we just couldn't be parents. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it.
While we were going through fertility treatments, I had a lot of hope at the beginning. Hoping to be pregnant was easy for me, I guess. Once I was pregnant for a while, I might be able to start planning a little. Yes, of course I know that terrible things happen with some pregnancies and sometimes, and nothing is a guarantee. That being said, barring horrible and unforeseen circumstances, you do have a time line. I like time lines. I like to plan.
But you just never know when a match will happen. You never know how far along the expectant mother will be. Sometimes they're a week from their due date. Sometimes they're more like 20 weeks. I'm not sure which scenario would be easier, though. Knowing about a match for 20 weeks before the baby arrives seems nice in some ways -- it can give me that 'planning time' I seem to be longing for. But it also seems to me that the earlier the match, the higher of the likeliness that a match will fall through. Maybe I'm making that up in my head and what will really happen is I will just have more time to image how things might not work out. As a worrier, that's a distinct possibility as well.
Anyway, I guess I'm in another transition period. I have to bring myself into a place that can accept that at any time we might be matched and we might bring home a baby.
I find it difficult to even type that.
Maybe I need to start therapy again.
Talked to the facilitator again last night. I like her. We're continuing to move forward with her. She said that due to the tough economic times, the domestic adoption arena has changed a little. It has really ramped up lately, but with these times a slightly higher number of women are looking to make adoption plans, and a slightly lower number of potential adoptive parents are able to afford all of the fees, so there is a slight increase in placements for her lately.
Which makes me a little nervous. But in a good way.
We still want an attorney to review her contract before we send it in, but once that is reviewed, I think we'll be moving forward.
It's just so difficult for me to accept that this may happen. I can't explain it, but my nervousness comes from being in a place where I was convinced that we just couldn't be parents. Maybe that's not the right way to explain it.
While we were going through fertility treatments, I had a lot of hope at the beginning. Hoping to be pregnant was easy for me, I guess. Once I was pregnant for a while, I might be able to start planning a little. Yes, of course I know that terrible things happen with some pregnancies and sometimes, and nothing is a guarantee. That being said, barring horrible and unforeseen circumstances, you do have a time line. I like time lines. I like to plan.
But you just never know when a match will happen. You never know how far along the expectant mother will be. Sometimes they're a week from their due date. Sometimes they're more like 20 weeks. I'm not sure which scenario would be easier, though. Knowing about a match for 20 weeks before the baby arrives seems nice in some ways -- it can give me that 'planning time' I seem to be longing for. But it also seems to me that the earlier the match, the higher of the likeliness that a match will fall through. Maybe I'm making that up in my head and what will really happen is I will just have more time to image how things might not work out. As a worrier, that's a distinct possibility as well.
Anyway, I guess I'm in another transition period. I have to bring myself into a place that can accept that at any time we might be matched and we might bring home a baby.
I find it difficult to even type that.
Maybe I need to start therapy again.
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