I decided to add some color.
T's out with a friend, our best man from the wedding. She's actually a woman, and I learned earlier this year that the proper term for a female best man is the groom's honor attendant or something. Anyway, he's not home and here I am. I was totally lonely at work today, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to leave this job, and now I'm lonely at home. I'm the type of person that like others around pretty much all the time. I guess it was not meant to be that way today.
While I was riding the train on the way home tonight, I had this moment of freak out. Some health insurances won't cover you if you're already pregnant when you begin their plan. Because I live in Massachusetts (thank god) I think there is a 'pre-existing condition' law that says that insurers must cover any pre-existing condition, including pregnancy, I should be fine even if I were to be pg (which I still think I'm not). But I freaked out about it, none-the-less. In fact, I think it was E who pointed out that law to me when I freaked out about it before. I told you I'm an over worrier.
The weather is crappy and cold, and it makes me not have very much energy. I should be emptying the dishwasher and folding some laundry, but I'm not. I'm here typing. I suppose typing like this is sort of like talking. I mean, at least I'm communicating in some way, right? I hope it gets nice at some point this weekend. I really need to work in the garden. There are weeds everywhere, but the weather has been so crappy lately that there's been no way I could be out there. Not while enjoying it, anyway. I also need to go shopping for some more work clothes. I have to improve my wardrobe a bit for my new job. I hate shopping, and it doesn't help that I really need to lose 10 pounds. I'm kind of dreading going. I guess I'll just buy a little bit, and then see what happens. Right now I have to walk about 10-15 minutes from the subway to get to my job. With the new one, I won't be walking that much. I need to start exercising, but I just don't see where I can fit it into my schedule. I mean, we don't get home until around 6, and then I cook dinner and we eat, and then we clean up. T's good about helping with the dishes and whatnot. But I'm so hungry when I get home, I wouldn't want to delay dinner even more. I'm going to have to try to do some walking during lunch or something. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't mind doing work, but I hate to have no time to myself because I'm alway there. (Or on my way there. Or on my way back.) The work week is way too long. Maybe someday I can work part time and work from home sometimes. Sounds nifty.
Thanks for keeping me company while my husband is out. I appreciate it. I'm going to force myself to do some of those chores. Have a good night! (Or day, I suppose.)
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Additional Explanations
I turned in the paperwork to get some of the money for my biostats reimbursed. They include it in my paycheck. I have to make sure I get a paycheck that long so that I can be reimbursed. It shouldn't be a problem because I get paid for the previous weeks' work, and I also have more than a week's vacation time too. So we'll be getting some cash in the next few weeks. Woo hoo!
I also had a bit of a discussion with my soon to be ex-boss. She has totally come around and is being really great about my leaving now. She really appreciates that I'm trying to accomodate her inability to get someone to take over one of my studies right away, but she also agreed that the deadline I set for her (August). She was really supportive today, and even said to me that she thought the new job sounded like a step up, which it is. So I am very pleased about how it went, and I'm no longer worried about how the transition is going to go. I was up at about 4:00 am worrying about something. I think I was worried that she would never let me go or find anybody else to hire. They don't need someone right away, and she's the type to let things drag out forever. She didn't complete my review until like 4-5 months after it was due. Anyway, I felt like she finally understood that the 2+ years was plenty, and she was pleased that I was continuing in research. So I can relax about all of that stuff now.
No pg symptoms, though my tummy felt gross today. It's early. And, as I said, I'm not convinced our timing was right this month. But I'm checking anyway.
I also had a bit of a discussion with my soon to be ex-boss. She has totally come around and is being really great about my leaving now. She really appreciates that I'm trying to accomodate her inability to get someone to take over one of my studies right away, but she also agreed that the deadline I set for her (August). She was really supportive today, and even said to me that she thought the new job sounded like a step up, which it is. So I am very pleased about how it went, and I'm no longer worried about how the transition is going to go. I was up at about 4:00 am worrying about something. I think I was worried that she would never let me go or find anybody else to hire. They don't need someone right away, and she's the type to let things drag out forever. She didn't complete my review until like 4-5 months after it was due. Anyway, I felt like she finally understood that the 2+ years was plenty, and she was pleased that I was continuing in research. So I can relax about all of that stuff now.
No pg symptoms, though my tummy felt gross today. It's early. And, as I said, I'm not convinced our timing was right this month. But I'm checking anyway.
Good things
It's over. I got a B-. I have never been so happy for a B- in my life! Yay me! I have to go turn in my paperwork so I can get my money!
Had a meeting last night at the new job. I'm less nervous and more looking forward to it now. There's tons of work to do, and it will be satisfying. Some of it will be tedious, but it will feel good when it is complete. And then there will be challenges ahead.
These are both good things.
Had a meeting last night at the new job. I'm less nervous and more looking forward to it now. There's tons of work to do, and it will be satisfying. Some of it will be tedious, but it will feel good when it is complete. And then there will be challenges ahead.
These are both good things.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Two weeks
I think it's two weeks until I start my new job. I actually have a meeting there tomorrow afternoon, and then there's a research dinner that night where the docs will detail the research they're doing. I also get to meet the woman I will be working with. Here's hoping I like her, right?
Okay, I just have to interject. The Sox are playing the Yankees again, and this is the worst game ever. The Sox made a horrible play to start the game, where no one was covering home plate and the Yankee guy just sauntered home. Later, the umpires made the worst call ever, negating a double play that the Sox made. Now they're saying the ball hit the batter in fair territory, so it's a dead ball and the second out doesn't count, but it still really sucked. We should be out of the inning now. But we're not, and the Yankees are creaming us. Oh well. Shit happens.
Anyway. I guess I'm technically in my two week wait now. We'll see what happens. If I'm not pg this month, it's not the worst thing in the world because of the new job and everything. But we'll see. I'm skeptical. I don't think our timing was spot on this month. Maybe next month will be a better month for us anyway. Of course, because I'm so skeptical I'll probably end up being pregnant. I'll stop speculating on all of this stuff. Just let it be known: I have ovulated.
The dinner on Saturday was a lot of fun. There wasn't too much baby talk, and there was a bunch of wedding talk. I know that E tries to temper the baby talk when she's around us, and that makes me feel a little bummed. I want her to be able to be excited about it whether I'm there or not. I suppose I should be glad that she's sensitive, but either way I make myself feel bad. But it was still a nice time, and it was good to see L again. The next time I'll see her is for her wedding. And then I'll meet her fiance, B. I'm thinking of emailing him just to find out his deal.
Yesterday was my niece's 7 birthday party. I had a great time. They love me so much! My brother and sister-in-law re-did their kitchen and it looks absolutely great! We were a little jealous. We have to get a new oven, and that's going to have to do for now. The party bummed T out a bit. I'm not sure why hanging out with my nieces and nephew doesn't make me sad like hanging out with E does, but it doesn't. It does for T, though. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better when he gets down, but there isn't. I tried, but I felt like I just made things worse. He's doing a little better now, but he was really sad for a while. I've finally made an appointment with a therapist for next week. It's first thing in the morning, which will be fine until I start my new job. Then I don't know if I'll be able to do it then because I'll be late for work. But as you can see, I pre-emptively worry about things, which is dumb, so I'm going to stop right now.
I'm starting to tell people at my job that I'm going to be leaving. I'm excited, but nervous. I got my offer letter in the mail, and there was this huge packet about the dress code with a chart that lists different types of clothing and has a check box saying whether it's appropriate or not. And the last page is a picture of many different kinds of shoes, the left half being examples of appropriate shoes and the right half being examples of inappropriate shoes. Needless to say, I was a little put off by this. I mean, I'm fine with the office being a little less casual than where I work, and I understand that some people need to be told very specifically what 'professional' kinds of dress are, whether it's suits or just business casual. But still, it had a few things in there that bugged me. One was about multiple earrings (which I have) and one was about long nails (which I don't). I mean, I don't like being told how I can wear my nails. It's one thing if I'm a clinical person and it could infect people, but I'm basically going to be in an office. I will see patients, but I will not treat them in any clinical way. It really made me want to not work there at all. But I've worked through it, and decided to not let it bug me too much. I mean, I don't dress like anything that was listed in the 'inappropriate' column. I feel like that is beside the point, and it's the principle of the thing, and I'm compromising myself a little. But I also get annoyed sometimes with how inappropriate dress can be, so it sort of matches my conservative dressing values. So whatever. I'm sucking it up. We'll see what happens.
Okay, I just have to interject. The Sox are playing the Yankees again, and this is the worst game ever. The Sox made a horrible play to start the game, where no one was covering home plate and the Yankee guy just sauntered home. Later, the umpires made the worst call ever, negating a double play that the Sox made. Now they're saying the ball hit the batter in fair territory, so it's a dead ball and the second out doesn't count, but it still really sucked. We should be out of the inning now. But we're not, and the Yankees are creaming us. Oh well. Shit happens.
Anyway. I guess I'm technically in my two week wait now. We'll see what happens. If I'm not pg this month, it's not the worst thing in the world because of the new job and everything. But we'll see. I'm skeptical. I don't think our timing was spot on this month. Maybe next month will be a better month for us anyway. Of course, because I'm so skeptical I'll probably end up being pregnant. I'll stop speculating on all of this stuff. Just let it be known: I have ovulated.
The dinner on Saturday was a lot of fun. There wasn't too much baby talk, and there was a bunch of wedding talk. I know that E tries to temper the baby talk when she's around us, and that makes me feel a little bummed. I want her to be able to be excited about it whether I'm there or not. I suppose I should be glad that she's sensitive, but either way I make myself feel bad. But it was still a nice time, and it was good to see L again. The next time I'll see her is for her wedding. And then I'll meet her fiance, B. I'm thinking of emailing him just to find out his deal.
Yesterday was my niece's 7 birthday party. I had a great time. They love me so much! My brother and sister-in-law re-did their kitchen and it looks absolutely great! We were a little jealous. We have to get a new oven, and that's going to have to do for now. The party bummed T out a bit. I'm not sure why hanging out with my nieces and nephew doesn't make me sad like hanging out with E does, but it doesn't. It does for T, though. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better when he gets down, but there isn't. I tried, but I felt like I just made things worse. He's doing a little better now, but he was really sad for a while. I've finally made an appointment with a therapist for next week. It's first thing in the morning, which will be fine until I start my new job. Then I don't know if I'll be able to do it then because I'll be late for work. But as you can see, I pre-emptively worry about things, which is dumb, so I'm going to stop right now.
I'm starting to tell people at my job that I'm going to be leaving. I'm excited, but nervous. I got my offer letter in the mail, and there was this huge packet about the dress code with a chart that lists different types of clothing and has a check box saying whether it's appropriate or not. And the last page is a picture of many different kinds of shoes, the left half being examples of appropriate shoes and the right half being examples of inappropriate shoes. Needless to say, I was a little put off by this. I mean, I'm fine with the office being a little less casual than where I work, and I understand that some people need to be told very specifically what 'professional' kinds of dress are, whether it's suits or just business casual. But still, it had a few things in there that bugged me. One was about multiple earrings (which I have) and one was about long nails (which I don't). I mean, I don't like being told how I can wear my nails. It's one thing if I'm a clinical person and it could infect people, but I'm basically going to be in an office. I will see patients, but I will not treat them in any clinical way. It really made me want to not work there at all. But I've worked through it, and decided to not let it bug me too much. I mean, I don't dress like anything that was listed in the 'inappropriate' column. I feel like that is beside the point, and it's the principle of the thing, and I'm compromising myself a little. But I also get annoyed sometimes with how inappropriate dress can be, so it sort of matches my conservative dressing values. So whatever. I'm sucking it up. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Oy, the cats
Our cat Sascha is walking in front of me and head-butting my arms as I try to type this. She apparently loves blogging. She even has a big tail. She's very excited. Her brother Riley is, of course, lying somewhere and not moving,but it's difficult to blame him because it is kind of hot.
T's working late, so I grilled by myself tonight. As I was letting the coals get grey, the sky started threatening, so I freaked out and called my dad to see what to do. I'm such a wuss. I was totally afraid that it was going to rain on my food and I wouldn't know what to do and it would get all wet on the way into the house. But I'm pretty new to grilling. My dad said that a little water never ruined a meal, and the top of the grill would protect it while I was cooking. Happily, it was just really windy, and the rain didn't start until after I put the grill cover on. I grilled tofu and asparagus. I love asparagus, and grilled asparagus is even better than regular asparagus. I left the food out on the kitchen table and I hope Riley isn't eating the leftovers that are supposed to be for T. I even made T a special treat because he had such a bad day. Now I want him to come home because I want some too. I mean, I want him to come home because I want to see him. (And eat some rice krispie treat.) So much for losing 10 lbs before we ttc again.
I have two clematis in the front garden. One of them is doing really, really well and even has a couple of buds! I'm so excited! It's twirling up the trellis. The other one is growing, but not quite so vigorously. I think it may have to do with exposure to sunlight, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I planted two different colors, so maybe one type just grows faster than the other type. I wonder which one is the one that's growing. But I'm very pleased with my plants. My morning glories need to be put somewhere where they can grow up a trellis or some such thing. Yay plants!
This weekend a friend from AZ, L, is coming to town. We're going out to dinner with L, E&R and another couple. Last weekend at E's barbecue there was a toddler, and I really didn't feel too badly. I even played with little M, and wiped her hands when she got messy. When it was time for them to go, M wanted to hug me goodbye. I guess I made a little friend. I felt pretty good the whole time, and not too sad. Even when they were talking about how E was feeling (she's due in 6 weeks) I felt okay. Only a few twinges. I hope the same thing happens this weekend. I don't want to just be awkwardly silent during dinner. But L is getting married in the fall, and none of us have met her fiance, so hopefully that will be the center of the conversation.
Riley has arrived to yell at me. I am not stroking him, therefore I must be bad.
Saw the boss lady today, and she acted normally. I'm pleased about that. I have a meeting at the new job on Tuesday afternoon. Here we go!
T's working late, so I grilled by myself tonight. As I was letting the coals get grey, the sky started threatening, so I freaked out and called my dad to see what to do. I'm such a wuss. I was totally afraid that it was going to rain on my food and I wouldn't know what to do and it would get all wet on the way into the house. But I'm pretty new to grilling. My dad said that a little water never ruined a meal, and the top of the grill would protect it while I was cooking. Happily, it was just really windy, and the rain didn't start until after I put the grill cover on. I grilled tofu and asparagus. I love asparagus, and grilled asparagus is even better than regular asparagus. I left the food out on the kitchen table and I hope Riley isn't eating the leftovers that are supposed to be for T. I even made T a special treat because he had such a bad day. Now I want him to come home because I want some too. I mean, I want him to come home because I want to see him. (And eat some rice krispie treat.) So much for losing 10 lbs before we ttc again.
I have two clematis in the front garden. One of them is doing really, really well and even has a couple of buds! I'm so excited! It's twirling up the trellis. The other one is growing, but not quite so vigorously. I think it may have to do with exposure to sunlight, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I planted two different colors, so maybe one type just grows faster than the other type. I wonder which one is the one that's growing. But I'm very pleased with my plants. My morning glories need to be put somewhere where they can grow up a trellis or some such thing. Yay plants!
This weekend a friend from AZ, L, is coming to town. We're going out to dinner with L, E&R and another couple. Last weekend at E's barbecue there was a toddler, and I really didn't feel too badly. I even played with little M, and wiped her hands when she got messy. When it was time for them to go, M wanted to hug me goodbye. I guess I made a little friend. I felt pretty good the whole time, and not too sad. Even when they were talking about how E was feeling (she's due in 6 weeks) I felt okay. Only a few twinges. I hope the same thing happens this weekend. I don't want to just be awkwardly silent during dinner. But L is getting married in the fall, and none of us have met her fiance, so hopefully that will be the center of the conversation.
Riley has arrived to yell at me. I am not stroking him, therefore I must be bad.
Saw the boss lady today, and she acted normally. I'm pleased about that. I have a meeting at the new job on Tuesday afternoon. Here we go!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Oven's broken, but we have a grill
We've determined that the oven is definitely broken. We just have to decide if it's worth it to have someone look at it, or if we should just get a new one. I have no idea who would fix our oven nor how much it would cost to have him (or her) come out to look at it. And what if s/he comes and just tells us that we need to get a new stove. Our stove is definitely old, and we'd have to replace it eventually anyway. Ah, the delight of home ownership.
I've realized several times, but also forgotten several times, to talk about the bird's nest. It all went so fast. The chicks have left. But they were there for several days, and I showed them off to several people, and then one day I watered the pansy and there were no baby birds. So, much luck to our baby birds. I hope they find lots of food and some nice shelter out there in the world. Meanwhile, the nest is still there. T looked up about house finches and the females sometimes mate a second time, so maybe she'll come back and lay some more eggs. We'll have to see.
My boss seems to be taking the fact that I'm leaving pretty hard. She sent me these really severe emails which pointed out everything I did wrong, no matter how small. Now I did do all of those things imperfectly, which I admit, but she had never taken that kind of tone with me before. I felt like she was trying to convince herself that she was better off without me or something. But my co-worker had a nice, long meeting with her and made her feel better. I know that I am doing nothing wrong by finding a new job, but I just feel like I'm betraying my boss. There is one part of the job that she is going to have a very difficult time finding someone else to do. I offered to work on it for a little while, but she has to know that by August or so, I'm not going to be able to do it any more. I worry that when I tell her that, she's going to freak out on me again. But I can't be expected to still be working on that project in August when I'm leaving my job in June. I know in my head I'm being reasonable, but when I talk to boss-lady, I just feel like I'm not.
I got some more signs that ovulation is coming soon. I'm now worrying -- what if we do get pregnant and it sticks this time? Telling my new work that I'm pg about 3 months into work would be weird. But, I did tell the woman that hired me that we were ttc and that I could be pg at any time, but that if we weren't IVF was a possibility in about 6 months or so. She didn't seem bothered, so I guess I could make the announcement with a clear conscience. But I know that this scenario is super-hopeful anyway. As my mom always said to me, whatever will be will be. I know that I'm doing the right thing, and that's what's important.
I've realized several times, but also forgotten several times, to talk about the bird's nest. It all went so fast. The chicks have left. But they were there for several days, and I showed them off to several people, and then one day I watered the pansy and there were no baby birds. So, much luck to our baby birds. I hope they find lots of food and some nice shelter out there in the world. Meanwhile, the nest is still there. T looked up about house finches and the females sometimes mate a second time, so maybe she'll come back and lay some more eggs. We'll have to see.
My boss seems to be taking the fact that I'm leaving pretty hard. She sent me these really severe emails which pointed out everything I did wrong, no matter how small. Now I did do all of those things imperfectly, which I admit, but she had never taken that kind of tone with me before. I felt like she was trying to convince herself that she was better off without me or something. But my co-worker had a nice, long meeting with her and made her feel better. I know that I am doing nothing wrong by finding a new job, but I just feel like I'm betraying my boss. There is one part of the job that she is going to have a very difficult time finding someone else to do. I offered to work on it for a little while, but she has to know that by August or so, I'm not going to be able to do it any more. I worry that when I tell her that, she's going to freak out on me again. But I can't be expected to still be working on that project in August when I'm leaving my job in June. I know in my head I'm being reasonable, but when I talk to boss-lady, I just feel like I'm not.
I got some more signs that ovulation is coming soon. I'm now worrying -- what if we do get pregnant and it sticks this time? Telling my new work that I'm pg about 3 months into work would be weird. But, I did tell the woman that hired me that we were ttc and that I could be pg at any time, but that if we weren't IVF was a possibility in about 6 months or so. She didn't seem bothered, so I guess I could make the announcement with a clear conscience. But I know that this scenario is super-hopeful anyway. As my mom always said to me, whatever will be will be. I know that I'm doing the right thing, and that's what's important.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Pre-heating
Our oven is messed up. Our house, I think, is a little bit of a lemon. Things go wrong. The roof leaks, the boiler died, and our oven is broken. We need to get a plumber to check it out (it's gas) but I'm kind of sick of plumbers since the boiler. Don't get me wrong, I love our house. But it has some issues.
We got our grill and made the yummiest hamburgers in the world. It ruled. We were going to grill tonight, but it's cool out so we decided to use the oven. Now the oven isn't working properly. It sucks. I'm starving. And now we're arguing about what to do because we're both overly hungry. Should we order out? Should we just stick it in there even though it's not working properly? It's going to take forever to cook. This sucks. (It's in the oven right now.)
Anyway, I got them to give me even more money for my prospective job. The benefits are going to cost a lot more, and the time-off is a little bit less. I mentioned these things, and they offered me more money. So I'm definitely going to take it. I talked to my boss about it today. It was really hard. She was really negative about the new job at first. I mean, I know she just doesn't want to lose me, but it bummed me out a little bit. But I really need a change. I've liked my job and I've liked working for my boss, but I just feel like it's time for me to move on. If this job sucks, then I'll just have tofind another. I will remain part time
to do some work at the old place for a while, but I 'll have to work out a timetable for transitioning over. I'm excited, but also nervous and a little scared. They're hiring another person to work with me, and I hope I don't hate her. I mean, I barely ever hate people, but you never know. It could be bad.
In other happyish news, I received signs of impending fertility, so ttc should commence soon. We'll see what happens.
Yikes!
We got our grill and made the yummiest hamburgers in the world. It ruled. We were going to grill tonight, but it's cool out so we decided to use the oven. Now the oven isn't working properly. It sucks. I'm starving. And now we're arguing about what to do because we're both overly hungry. Should we order out? Should we just stick it in there even though it's not working properly? It's going to take forever to cook. This sucks. (It's in the oven right now.)
Anyway, I got them to give me even more money for my prospective job. The benefits are going to cost a lot more, and the time-off is a little bit less. I mentioned these things, and they offered me more money. So I'm definitely going to take it. I talked to my boss about it today. It was really hard. She was really negative about the new job at first. I mean, I know she just doesn't want to lose me, but it bummed me out a little bit. But I really need a change. I've liked my job and I've liked working for my boss, but I just feel like it's time for me to move on. If this job sucks, then I'll just have tofind another. I will remain part time
to do some work at the old place for a while, but I 'll have to work out a timetable for transitioning over. I'm excited, but also nervous and a little scared. They're hiring another person to work with me, and I hope I don't hate her. I mean, I barely ever hate people, but you never know. It could be bad.
In other happyish news, I received signs of impending fertility, so ttc should commence soon. We'll see what happens.
Yikes!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Summer approaches
The weather has been incredibly warm this weekend. Perfect, really, for a long weekend. Thursday evening I went to have a drink with my friend S. It was nice to hang out, just us women. We talked about this new job of mine, about whether she and her husband R will buy a condo or move out of their current apartment, and about me and me and E. My friend S is a therapist by trade, so she's good at making me feel like it's okay to have the emotions I have. It's so funny because I don't want to 'use' her like a therapist. She's my friend. But she loves being a therapist so much that she will sometimes prompt me to process. She is encouraging me to find a therapist for both me and T. I do want to do that. I've just been putting it off for other things, lately. But she told me to not feel bad about feeling sad sometimes when I'm around E, and to not blame myself for not being able to be really excited for the baby to come. I've heard all of that before, and I know that those feelings are normal, but I still can't help feeling bad that I can't get excited. I want to be excited about the baby, and it sucks that I just can't be.
Anyway, last night we went out to a super yummy dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law's exchange student from Poland. She's a good kid. Since my brother's family lives in NH, just over the border, she was grateful to be in the city for a little bit. I had rack of lamb stuffed with cheese, olives, sun dried tomatoes and mushrooms with porcini ravioli. It was super delicious.
Today E is having a birthday cookout for herself. I've made potato salad and we bought the fixins for raspberry lime rickeys (with raspberry Stoli for those who want to indulge). I'm also going to make rice crispy squares since they're so easy and everybody loves them. Her friend L and her daughter M are going to be there. L's husband died suddenly a little over a year ago. I've only met her a couple of times, but it just makes me so sad to think of it. It's weird that because of her great loss, the concept of her daughter doesn't make me as sad as it might ordinarily do. My only worry is that when we all hang out that the only thing that people are going to be able to talk about is baby stuff, and that will definitely bum me out. I just don't have anything to contribute to those conversations. E and I are supposed to hang out with another friend and her fiance next weekend, and I worry about the baby discussions when that happens, too. I guess I'll just have to deal.
T and I talked about the new job more last night. It looks like I'm going to take it. It will make my days longer with the longer commute, but it's better than being totally bored and alone all day in my windowless office. I still need to look at the benefits, but I can't imagine they'll be so bad that I won't take the job. I'm excited but very nervous.
Also, I'm supposed to be fertile this weekend, but I totally haven't been. I don't know what's going on. Maybe all the stress from last week pushed me forward a bit. But I'm nervous that I'm going to miss it and we're going to miss our window of opportunity this month. But that's probably me just being paranoid. Still, I'm not seeing any signs that I'm fertile at present moment.
Ah, rolling with the punches. I kind of suck at that.
Anyway, last night we went out to a super yummy dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law's exchange student from Poland. She's a good kid. Since my brother's family lives in NH, just over the border, she was grateful to be in the city for a little bit. I had rack of lamb stuffed with cheese, olives, sun dried tomatoes and mushrooms with porcini ravioli. It was super delicious.
Today E is having a birthday cookout for herself. I've made potato salad and we bought the fixins for raspberry lime rickeys (with raspberry Stoli for those who want to indulge). I'm also going to make rice crispy squares since they're so easy and everybody loves them. Her friend L and her daughter M are going to be there. L's husband died suddenly a little over a year ago. I've only met her a couple of times, but it just makes me so sad to think of it. It's weird that because of her great loss, the concept of her daughter doesn't make me as sad as it might ordinarily do. My only worry is that when we all hang out that the only thing that people are going to be able to talk about is baby stuff, and that will definitely bum me out. I just don't have anything to contribute to those conversations. E and I are supposed to hang out with another friend and her fiance next weekend, and I worry about the baby discussions when that happens, too. I guess I'll just have to deal.
T and I talked about the new job more last night. It looks like I'm going to take it. It will make my days longer with the longer commute, but it's better than being totally bored and alone all day in my windowless office. I still need to look at the benefits, but I can't imagine they'll be so bad that I won't take the job. I'm excited but very nervous.
Also, I'm supposed to be fertile this weekend, but I totally haven't been. I don't know what's going on. Maybe all the stress from last week pushed me forward a bit. But I'm nervous that I'm going to miss it and we're going to miss our window of opportunity this month. But that's probably me just being paranoid. Still, I'm not seeing any signs that I'm fertile at present moment.
Ah, rolling with the punches. I kind of suck at that.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Crazy times
I got a job offer!
The woman who interviewed me on Tuesday moning called me Tuesday afternoon for me to come in to a second interview on Wednesday. Wednesday night, of course, was my final exam for stats, so I tried to put her off. But she pushed, and promised it wouldn't take too long. So I caved and went in. The doctors were very down to earth and nice. So, today, she sent me an email to give her a call, and she offered a job! They even offered a bit more money than I'm making now. The only downside is that my commute will increase a bit. But I don't see any reason not to take it. I don't know about benefits yet, so I've asked about that. Of course, in our situation, insurance is a big deal. We can always go on to T's insurance if we need to. We'll see what happens. But it's exciting.
This new job is a real step up from what I'm doing now. There's a supervisory component. There's tons of work. There's creativity and room to grow. It's still quite independent. I will learn new things. I will be busy. I've been so busy in the past few days I haven't had time to be sad, which is good. I even talked to my potential new boss (after the job offer was out there) and told her we were ttc, and that the possibility of IVF may be in the future. Since my current boss knows all of this stuff, I wanted to make sure that all of this stuff was out there. I don't have to take this job. I need to want to take this job. So I want to want it with all of my baggage. I don't want them to think I hid something when I was hired. I actually think potential boss appreciated my candor. She was adamant about having a 'kind' workplace where people work together and there's no back-stabbing. How wonderful! I'm feeling kind of excited.
I am also now officially finished with my biostats class. Hurray! The final exam was not nearly as awful as the midterm, which was a relief. I handed in the extra credit problem that E helped me with. So, we'll see how it goes. I wonder when the grade will be in. I wonder if it has to be in before I accept my next job. I'm going to try not to worry about that yet.
All of this has been so unexpected. I totally just applied to that job on a whim. They made me feel smart and useful, so that was good. They're going to hire a second position in addition to the position that was offered to me, and there are other people in the office, so it will be much less isolating. The only thing, as I said, is the commute issue. But I can probably deal with that. I'll see what the benefits look like.
T and I are taking tomorrow off so that we can have an extra long weekend. E's having a birthday party for herself on Sunday that we'll go to. I'm going to make potato salad. I think we may go out with my parents on Saturday night. The weekend is busy already!
It's weird what a huge role the health insurance takes now. I usually wouldn't care, but after the advice from the IVF place, there are certain companies that are better for us than others. I'm very anxious to hear back.
I hope everyone out there in blogland is doing okay. Life is just full of crazy things, isn't it?
The woman who interviewed me on Tuesday moning called me Tuesday afternoon for me to come in to a second interview on Wednesday. Wednesday night, of course, was my final exam for stats, so I tried to put her off. But she pushed, and promised it wouldn't take too long. So I caved and went in. The doctors were very down to earth and nice. So, today, she sent me an email to give her a call, and she offered a job! They even offered a bit more money than I'm making now. The only downside is that my commute will increase a bit. But I don't see any reason not to take it. I don't know about benefits yet, so I've asked about that. Of course, in our situation, insurance is a big deal. We can always go on to T's insurance if we need to. We'll see what happens. But it's exciting.
This new job is a real step up from what I'm doing now. There's a supervisory component. There's tons of work. There's creativity and room to grow. It's still quite independent. I will learn new things. I will be busy. I've been so busy in the past few days I haven't had time to be sad, which is good. I even talked to my potential new boss (after the job offer was out there) and told her we were ttc, and that the possibility of IVF may be in the future. Since my current boss knows all of this stuff, I wanted to make sure that all of this stuff was out there. I don't have to take this job. I need to want to take this job. So I want to want it with all of my baggage. I don't want them to think I hid something when I was hired. I actually think potential boss appreciated my candor. She was adamant about having a 'kind' workplace where people work together and there's no back-stabbing. How wonderful! I'm feeling kind of excited.
I am also now officially finished with my biostats class. Hurray! The final exam was not nearly as awful as the midterm, which was a relief. I handed in the extra credit problem that E helped me with. So, we'll see how it goes. I wonder when the grade will be in. I wonder if it has to be in before I accept my next job. I'm going to try not to worry about that yet.
All of this has been so unexpected. I totally just applied to that job on a whim. They made me feel smart and useful, so that was good. They're going to hire a second position in addition to the position that was offered to me, and there are other people in the office, so it will be much less isolating. The only thing, as I said, is the commute issue. But I can probably deal with that. I'll see what the benefits look like.
T and I are taking tomorrow off so that we can have an extra long weekend. E's having a birthday party for herself on Sunday that we'll go to. I'm going to make potato salad. I think we may go out with my parents on Saturday night. The weekend is busy already!
It's weird what a huge role the health insurance takes now. I usually wouldn't care, but after the advice from the IVF place, there are certain companies that are better for us than others. I'm very anxious to hear back.
I hope everyone out there in blogland is doing okay. Life is just full of crazy things, isn't it?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Feelings. Nothing more than.... feelings...
It's been a dramatic couple of days. Yesterday I was trying to work out things with E. I'm feeling bad about feeling bad. We sent a few emails back and forth. I appologized for being snarky. E said I wasn't being snarky, and that it just sucks that my being around her makes me sad. I agree. E's my closest friend in the area, and I would feel crappy without her being around a lot. So, I'm at work and I'm crying while writing these emails. Tears are everywhere. Crying and crying. In fact, I'm about to cry just thinking about it. Why does this have to suck? Why can't I just be happy for them? It took 2 miscarriages and a year and a half for them to get to having a pregnancy that worked. I am happy for them, but I feel like it's more of a theoretical happy rather than an actual happy. I want to be excited to see and hold the baby, to smell its head. I want to go gaga over the cute little baby clothes and toys. But I can't. That stuff just hurts and makes me want to cry. It sucks.
So I had a job interview today. It went well. I think they liked me. They're interviewing some more people, and they'll bring in a few candidates for another round in a couple of weeks. The job sounds really interesting and a step up from what I'm doing now. I'm ambivalent about switching jobs, though, because we're now ttc. I don't know if I can swich insurance while I'm pg. (If I'm pg.) Maybe taking this job will depend on whether or not I'm pg. I bet it will take long enough for me to pee on a stick, but not long enough to make sure I won't miscarry.
Such is life. It's good that I don't feel pressure to take this job. I have a solid, if boring one at present moment. I'm working from home today to study for my exam. I just need a break. We're going to the Sox-Yankees game tonight. The weather looks only mediocre. But games are always fun and include hotdogs. I love hotdogs.
So I had a job interview today. It went well. I think they liked me. They're interviewing some more people, and they'll bring in a few candidates for another round in a couple of weeks. The job sounds really interesting and a step up from what I'm doing now. I'm ambivalent about switching jobs, though, because we're now ttc. I don't know if I can swich insurance while I'm pg. (If I'm pg.) Maybe taking this job will depend on whether or not I'm pg. I bet it will take long enough for me to pee on a stick, but not long enough to make sure I won't miscarry.
Such is life. It's good that I don't feel pressure to take this job. I have a solid, if boring one at present moment. I'm working from home today to study for my exam. I just need a break. We're going to the Sox-Yankees game tonight. The weather looks only mediocre. But games are always fun and include hotdogs. I love hotdogs.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Best of times? Worst of times?
Generally, it was a good weekend. I, of course, spent time in the garden. I always like doing that. I planted three different types of flowers. I have no idea what kind they are, but they are blue, purple and red. I hope they take! I decided to give up on the seeds because I think either birds ate them or they were washed away in the 10 inches of rain we got last weekend. We bought a dehumidifier for the basement to help finish drying that out and we got a push mower for our tiny bit of lawn. T mowed, and even though our lawn is only weeds, it looks so much better. I had been feeling like it was time to prop a broken car up on cinder blocks. Now, we look much more manicured.
Today I needed to do my extra credit assignment, and I of course needed some help. And who do I get stats help from? That's right, my pregnant friend E. Last time I saw E, I really felt okay. I was worried that I wouldn't but I was fine. Today wasn't quite as good. While I got there, some friends A&A were at E's house. A&A have also been having fertility problems. (I'm not sure why everyone I know is having problems. But that's another story. E, of course, thinks it's her.) So, E let A know about our diagnosis. A said that she was really sorry. We had a short discussion, but A, her husband, had to go somewhere so they had to leave. We did have a short discussion about how all the male perspective infertility stuff kind of sucks. T has been quite disappointed with it. Oh, and on the way to E's house there was some sort of concert thing with all sorts of traffic that I found horribly annoying. So I was kind of grumpy anyway.
Then she showed me some of the stuff she got at her work baby shower. It was these little plush vegies, which were so cute. They were perfect because she's vegetarian, and they just totally suited her personality. They were in the baby's room, and there was the little stand she got to be the changing table. It had little drawers and in the little drawers were all of the baby's clothes. I almost lost it right there. It was bad.
So we did some stats and it didn't take that long. She did really help me. She's helped me a bunch with my stats work. I'm totally grateful. But then we were talking and we ended up talking about teaching kids to drive. And I made sort of a snarky comment about not knowing whether we were going to even have kids or if we did whether they'd even have the ability to drive. She didn't freak out or anything, but now I feel a little bad about it. I just sent her a somewhat apologetic email, but I'm crying while I'm writing it, and I don't even know what to say. I said something. I'm really, really afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal when the baby is born, unless I am pregnant. I do not want to lose this friendship, but I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal. I'm not sure what to do.
When she told me she was pregnant, I was so happy and I thought how that if I was still single I totally wouldn't have been able to deal with her pregnancy because I would be so jealous. I was so glad that wasn't the situation. And now it's almost as if I'm back in that same place where I'm having trouble dealing. Life is so strange.
Today I needed to do my extra credit assignment, and I of course needed some help. And who do I get stats help from? That's right, my pregnant friend E. Last time I saw E, I really felt okay. I was worried that I wouldn't but I was fine. Today wasn't quite as good. While I got there, some friends A&A were at E's house. A&A have also been having fertility problems. (I'm not sure why everyone I know is having problems. But that's another story. E, of course, thinks it's her.) So, E let A know about our diagnosis. A said that she was really sorry. We had a short discussion, but A, her husband, had to go somewhere so they had to leave. We did have a short discussion about how all the male perspective infertility stuff kind of sucks. T has been quite disappointed with it. Oh, and on the way to E's house there was some sort of concert thing with all sorts of traffic that I found horribly annoying. So I was kind of grumpy anyway.
Then she showed me some of the stuff she got at her work baby shower. It was these little plush vegies, which were so cute. They were perfect because she's vegetarian, and they just totally suited her personality. They were in the baby's room, and there was the little stand she got to be the changing table. It had little drawers and in the little drawers were all of the baby's clothes. I almost lost it right there. It was bad.
So we did some stats and it didn't take that long. She did really help me. She's helped me a bunch with my stats work. I'm totally grateful. But then we were talking and we ended up talking about teaching kids to drive. And I made sort of a snarky comment about not knowing whether we were going to even have kids or if we did whether they'd even have the ability to drive. She didn't freak out or anything, but now I feel a little bad about it. I just sent her a somewhat apologetic email, but I'm crying while I'm writing it, and I don't even know what to say. I said something. I'm really, really afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal when the baby is born, unless I am pregnant. I do not want to lose this friendship, but I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to deal. I'm not sure what to do.
When she told me she was pregnant, I was so happy and I thought how that if I was still single I totally wouldn't have been able to deal with her pregnancy because I would be so jealous. I was so glad that wasn't the situation. And now it's almost as if I'm back in that same place where I'm having trouble dealing. Life is so strange.
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Kitchen Sink
I feel like I have a lot of material to cover here. I'm not sure where to start and how to organize this information. I'm going to try to go chronologically. That means the easy stuff comes first.
My phone interview went well. We have scheduled a real, face to face interview for Tuesday morning. She asked when I would be available to start working, which sort of freaked me out. I don't really know if I want this new job. So much is going on. I just know that it's a good thing to look around. I'm under no pressure to find a new job, so I can wait until something feels exactly right. That is a good thing. So, the beginning of next week is going to be busy. I have my interview at 8am on Tuesday. We're going to the Sox/Yankees game on Tuesday night, and my final is Wednesday. Maybe I'll take Wednesday off.
On to the IVF appointment. It was fine. It bascially was what I expected. Things remain the same. It will be difficult for us to get insurance coverage for IVF. Since we've only been ttc for 6 months and have 'only' had 2 miscarriages, our case isn't really strong enough to even try right now. So we'll have to ttc for 4-6 more months and then reassess.
Let me take a moment here to tell you how fucked up this whole insurance thing is. I know I've said it before, but it really became even more evident after yesterday. Insurance coverage is different for each carrier. One carrier will cover PGD but not IVF. In order to get them to cover IVF you must go through 3 cycles of IUI. For people who have trouble conceiving, IUI can be helpful. Since conception isn't our problem, there is no point in T and me going through IUI. I have no doubt that I would get pregnant via IUI. But it does not alter our chances of having a healthy baby. That procedure is a waste of money for us. Also, they count the 'one year of ttc' from the last miscarriage. So every time we get pregnant and miscarry, we start the one year clock over again. So, it looks like we're not changing to that insurance carrier. With our current carrier, they usually refuse to cover IVF unless the couple can't conceive. But that office did get them to cover it, one time, in the past, so the insurance person thought we ought to stay with this carrier. Good for us, since it's the cheapest up front. But in order to make our case, we're going to have to ttc for a lot long and have a lot more trouble. The more miscarriages we have, the more likely we get coverage. This is completely insane. It just seems to me they would save money in the end if they just helped us to have a healthy baby rather than spending money on tests and procuedures that are irrelevant. We have a diagnosis. We know what the problem is. Also, forcing us to go through the trauma of multiple miscarriage, forcing me to pretend I'm not pregnant when I am, not allowing me to connect with this potential baby for fear it will die at any moment just seems cruel. But we have to live with the way it is. We are going to ttc, and there is always a chance, if we're lucky, that we can have a healthy baby. It's really just not feeling like luck is on our side these days.
Other interesting things that we learned was that Dr. Young RE thinks that there is truly a very small chance that an unbalanced embryo/fetus would live long enough to be born. That makes me hopeful that the embryo would destroy itself, and if I was pregnant long enough to get to the CVS stage then the chances are low that it would be an unbalanced fetus. Since that is pretty much our biggest fear, that made me feel a little bit better. I hope it made T feel a little better, but I think he largely remains skeptical.
T liked Dr. Young RE because when he saw that I had a partial colectomy due to recurrent diverticulitis he said, "Bummer. Wait, no pun intended." Such a T joke. Honestly, that surgery seemed to have very little to do with my bum. But it was sort of funny anyway.
Back to interesting things. Dr. Young RE had never heard of this human sperm karyotyping test that I had read about, and didn't understand what sort of practical applications it would have to our situation. So, no sperm analysis at this point. I didn't really think about it much, but there is no way to test all of the millions of spem. I guess they do it like a regular sperm analysis -- see how much of the sperm in a specific, random sample is and them make inferences. (See, biostatistics is everywhere!) Anyway, I emailed a few links where I had seen mention of this process to his office. We'll see if he gets back to me about it. As he said to me, "Maybe I'll learn something."
So, the bottom line is that my plan before we went into the IVF place remains the same. TTC for a while, and reassess in a few months. So T and I have to try to relax. T's boss told him to go on a vacation. We definitely need a vacation.
My phone interview went well. We have scheduled a real, face to face interview for Tuesday morning. She asked when I would be available to start working, which sort of freaked me out. I don't really know if I want this new job. So much is going on. I just know that it's a good thing to look around. I'm under no pressure to find a new job, so I can wait until something feels exactly right. That is a good thing. So, the beginning of next week is going to be busy. I have my interview at 8am on Tuesday. We're going to the Sox/Yankees game on Tuesday night, and my final is Wednesday. Maybe I'll take Wednesday off.
On to the IVF appointment. It was fine. It bascially was what I expected. Things remain the same. It will be difficult for us to get insurance coverage for IVF. Since we've only been ttc for 6 months and have 'only' had 2 miscarriages, our case isn't really strong enough to even try right now. So we'll have to ttc for 4-6 more months and then reassess.
Let me take a moment here to tell you how fucked up this whole insurance thing is. I know I've said it before, but it really became even more evident after yesterday. Insurance coverage is different for each carrier. One carrier will cover PGD but not IVF. In order to get them to cover IVF you must go through 3 cycles of IUI. For people who have trouble conceiving, IUI can be helpful. Since conception isn't our problem, there is no point in T and me going through IUI. I have no doubt that I would get pregnant via IUI. But it does not alter our chances of having a healthy baby. That procedure is a waste of money for us. Also, they count the 'one year of ttc' from the last miscarriage. So every time we get pregnant and miscarry, we start the one year clock over again. So, it looks like we're not changing to that insurance carrier. With our current carrier, they usually refuse to cover IVF unless the couple can't conceive. But that office did get them to cover it, one time, in the past, so the insurance person thought we ought to stay with this carrier. Good for us, since it's the cheapest up front. But in order to make our case, we're going to have to ttc for a lot long and have a lot more trouble. The more miscarriages we have, the more likely we get coverage. This is completely insane. It just seems to me they would save money in the end if they just helped us to have a healthy baby rather than spending money on tests and procuedures that are irrelevant. We have a diagnosis. We know what the problem is. Also, forcing us to go through the trauma of multiple miscarriage, forcing me to pretend I'm not pregnant when I am, not allowing me to connect with this potential baby for fear it will die at any moment just seems cruel. But we have to live with the way it is. We are going to ttc, and there is always a chance, if we're lucky, that we can have a healthy baby. It's really just not feeling like luck is on our side these days.
Other interesting things that we learned was that Dr. Young RE thinks that there is truly a very small chance that an unbalanced embryo/fetus would live long enough to be born. That makes me hopeful that the embryo would destroy itself, and if I was pregnant long enough to get to the CVS stage then the chances are low that it would be an unbalanced fetus. Since that is pretty much our biggest fear, that made me feel a little bit better. I hope it made T feel a little better, but I think he largely remains skeptical.
T liked Dr. Young RE because when he saw that I had a partial colectomy due to recurrent diverticulitis he said, "Bummer. Wait, no pun intended." Such a T joke. Honestly, that surgery seemed to have very little to do with my bum. But it was sort of funny anyway.
Back to interesting things. Dr. Young RE had never heard of this human sperm karyotyping test that I had read about, and didn't understand what sort of practical applications it would have to our situation. So, no sperm analysis at this point. I didn't really think about it much, but there is no way to test all of the millions of spem. I guess they do it like a regular sperm analysis -- see how much of the sperm in a specific, random sample is and them make inferences. (See, biostatistics is everywhere!) Anyway, I emailed a few links where I had seen mention of this process to his office. We'll see if he gets back to me about it. As he said to me, "Maybe I'll learn something."
So, the bottom line is that my plan before we went into the IVF place remains the same. TTC for a while, and reassess in a few months. So T and I have to try to relax. T's boss told him to go on a vacation. We definitely need a vacation.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
D-Day #1
Well, here it is. In a short while I will be in the office of Dr. R, Reproductive Endocrinologist. This, I imagine, is the first appointment in what's bound to be a long and complex (and sad) journey, but one that will, someday, hopefully end up happy. This will have a resolution someday. It will not necessarily be what I had always expected the result will be, but there will be some sort of ending. Someday. This doctor looks so young. His picture is on the IVF clinic's web site. He's only been at this IVF center for a year or so. That's not a good thing, is it? I guess he was a Fellow for 3 years before this, though. So that's something. We'll have to ask how much experience he has with all this stuff. I know it can really make a difference, especially with the PGD stuff. Though, I don't think they do the PGD there. I think they ship the embryos somewhere and then ship them back. This just feels so wrong to me. So wrong.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
My E Ticket
I feel like I'm starting this roller coaster all over again. I'm starting to be weepy again. Pregnant women and stories about babies make my eyes well up. I'm having trouble focusing at work. I had felt so much better, but this doctor's appointment tomorrow has dredged up all the feelings of dread again. T and I talked about our tentative 'plan' to ttc again last night. He's so scared of doing that. I was feeling better about my decision when I looked at a few blogs and group postings and saw how many women had 8 and 9 and 10 miscarriages, and now I just feel kind of dead inside. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know what's going to happen. We don't have time to have 9 miscarriages. I mean, aside from the emotional toll of all of that, I'm 34. We have to start now. This sucks so much, and hurts so much on such a fundamental level. I keep thinking that maybe the results of T's karyotyping was somehow a mistake and that the lab fucked it up or something. But I know that's true. I'm having those, "I can't believe this is happening to us," moments again. It's awful.
So I called a therapist hotline today. I got a call back, but I've actually been somewhat busy at work today, so I haven't got any numbers as of yet.
I also have an initial phone interview for another job. I sent my resume out to other places. I don't know if it's the right time to get a new job, but I'm so restless. I figure, I don't have to actually take the job, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I were busy here, I wouldn't look for another job. But I'm not busy here at all, so I'm looking at my options.
I have my review class tonight. I took the practice final and we'll see how I do. I'm getting nervous about this as well, but it just seems so dumb. But I want to do okay. I want my money back and I just want to do well in the class. I like doing well in school. I have learned some things, though. So if I completely fail the final, at least I'll have that. I guess.
The sun finally came out today. Most of my plants are so happy, but my basil looks really sad It's like the rain rotted a bunch of it out. Hopefully the sun will rejuvenate it. We shall see. If not, I'm just going to get a new one. My yarrow loved it, though.
Well, my phone call for the interview is in a couple of minutes. I wish I could say something hopeful and happy, but I'm just not feeling it right now.
So I called a therapist hotline today. I got a call back, but I've actually been somewhat busy at work today, so I haven't got any numbers as of yet.
I also have an initial phone interview for another job. I sent my resume out to other places. I don't know if it's the right time to get a new job, but I'm so restless. I figure, I don't have to actually take the job, so I'm just going to see what happens. If I were busy here, I wouldn't look for another job. But I'm not busy here at all, so I'm looking at my options.
I have my review class tonight. I took the practice final and we'll see how I do. I'm getting nervous about this as well, but it just seems so dumb. But I want to do okay. I want my money back and I just want to do well in the class. I like doing well in school. I have learned some things, though. So if I completely fail the final, at least I'll have that. I guess.
The sun finally came out today. Most of my plants are so happy, but my basil looks really sad It's like the rain rotted a bunch of it out. Hopefully the sun will rejuvenate it. We shall see. If not, I'm just going to get a new one. My yarrow loved it, though.
Well, my phone call for the interview is in a couple of minutes. I wish I could say something hopeful and happy, but I'm just not feeling it right now.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
goldfish, sugar wafers and boredom
So, AF is here and instead of eating my nutritious low-fat yogurt and organic navel orange I brought for breakfast, I ate cheddar cheese goldrish and a pack of sugar wafers. Hurray for hormones! Hey Mary Ellen, looks like we will be cycle buddies. My luteal phase looked a little short to me this month, but maybe I'm trying to find things to be wrong. I was looking at my BBT charts last night and this month it was definitely a bit more difficult to figure out when exactly I ovulated. I'm posturing that I ovulated twice this month making it look like a short luteal phase when it actually wasn't. But who knows. Either way, with the hormones and the poor eating habits comes much moodiness.
I'm currently launching venom at my job. I think I need a new one. I have been shopping around and applying to jobs here and there. Nothing in any serious way. But I just feel like I'm not qualified to do anything, despite the fact that I have a graduate degree and I've done all sorts of things. I refuse to be a glorified secretary, but I feel like I'm pretty open to things. I see different kinds of jobs that I might be good at, but I don't see how I could get my foot in the door. I don't know what I want to do. I also don't know if it's a good idea to switch jobs right now considering I'm trying to get pregnant. I just feel so stuck.
It has occurred to me that I haven't yet told my family of our decision to put of IVF for at least 6 months. Since we have that appointment coming up on Thursday, I suppose it would make sense to only inform them of this after the appointment. But I thought about that yesterday for some reason. Speaking of my family, my parents did, in fact, make it back to Boston from Las Vegas despite all of the rain here.
In boredom news, Mike 93.7 is now coming in on the radio in my office (with some tweaking of the antenna) and now I don't have to listen to the same adult contemporary music over and over again like I have been. I'm relieved about that one. I also am working on renewing one of my studies with the Institutional Review Board. That shouldn't take long. Earlier today, I was asked to email the current consent form for one of my studies to our coordinating center at the Cleveland Clinic. At my hospital, our entire IRB process is online. We don't use paper. So I submit everything online, it gets approved online, and then I can print stuff out. You would think that because everything is done online that it would be easy to get an electronic copy of the consent form. But of course it isn't. I had to call the IRB. They had to print out the consent form and then scan it and email it to me. HOW DUMB IS THAT?!? That is the dumbest thing ever. EVER! Really, how could that be designed so poorly?!? Sheesh!!
Let's see, what other totally boring things are happening? One of my danios in our upstairs tank has the ich. So I'm giving it the blue medicine to make them better. It doesn't seem to be working too well at present moment. I may have to do a water change and try a different medicine. We'll see.
Our basement seems to be drying out, slowly. I am really appreciating the fact that we live nearly on the top of a Very Big Hill. Our basement didn't get that wet. I haven't looked at the attic again lately.
Alanis Morisette just came on the radio. T always turns up the radio when this song comes on. He loves Angry Chick Rock. That makes me smile. I love T. T rules. Dogma was on TV this weekend. Alanis Morisette plays God. I learned from IMDB that God was supposed to be played by Holly Hunter. I enjoyed Dogma. I love quirky stories about Judeo-Christian deities and spirituality. Way to be Kevin Smith. If you also enjoy quirky stories about spirituality may I recommend reading Orson Scott Card, Octavia Butler or the "Dark Materials" trilogy by Philip Pullman. Those are the three that come to my head at present moment. I'm sure there are many more. Please recommend some to me if that's what floats your boat.
I suppose the time has come for me to stop and do a little more work and then eat some lunch. Perhaps I can resist the call of the vending machine for the rest of the day.
I'm currently launching venom at my job. I think I need a new one. I have been shopping around and applying to jobs here and there. Nothing in any serious way. But I just feel like I'm not qualified to do anything, despite the fact that I have a graduate degree and I've done all sorts of things. I refuse to be a glorified secretary, but I feel like I'm pretty open to things. I see different kinds of jobs that I might be good at, but I don't see how I could get my foot in the door. I don't know what I want to do. I also don't know if it's a good idea to switch jobs right now considering I'm trying to get pregnant. I just feel so stuck.
It has occurred to me that I haven't yet told my family of our decision to put of IVF for at least 6 months. Since we have that appointment coming up on Thursday, I suppose it would make sense to only inform them of this after the appointment. But I thought about that yesterday for some reason. Speaking of my family, my parents did, in fact, make it back to Boston from Las Vegas despite all of the rain here.
In boredom news, Mike 93.7 is now coming in on the radio in my office (with some tweaking of the antenna) and now I don't have to listen to the same adult contemporary music over and over again like I have been. I'm relieved about that one. I also am working on renewing one of my studies with the Institutional Review Board. That shouldn't take long. Earlier today, I was asked to email the current consent form for one of my studies to our coordinating center at the Cleveland Clinic. At my hospital, our entire IRB process is online. We don't use paper. So I submit everything online, it gets approved online, and then I can print stuff out. You would think that because everything is done online that it would be easy to get an electronic copy of the consent form. But of course it isn't. I had to call the IRB. They had to print out the consent form and then scan it and email it to me. HOW DUMB IS THAT?!? That is the dumbest thing ever. EVER! Really, how could that be designed so poorly?!? Sheesh!!
Let's see, what other totally boring things are happening? One of my danios in our upstairs tank has the ich. So I'm giving it the blue medicine to make them better. It doesn't seem to be working too well at present moment. I may have to do a water change and try a different medicine. We'll see.
Our basement seems to be drying out, slowly. I am really appreciating the fact that we live nearly on the top of a Very Big Hill. Our basement didn't get that wet. I haven't looked at the attic again lately.
Alanis Morisette just came on the radio. T always turns up the radio when this song comes on. He loves Angry Chick Rock. That makes me smile. I love T. T rules. Dogma was on TV this weekend. Alanis Morisette plays God. I learned from IMDB that God was supposed to be played by Holly Hunter. I enjoyed Dogma. I love quirky stories about Judeo-Christian deities and spirituality. Way to be Kevin Smith. If you also enjoy quirky stories about spirituality may I recommend reading Orson Scott Card, Octavia Butler or the "Dark Materials" trilogy by Philip Pullman. Those are the three that come to my head at present moment. I'm sure there are many more. Please recommend some to me if that's what floats your boat.
I suppose the time has come for me to stop and do a little more work and then eat some lunch. Perhaps I can resist the call of the vending machine for the rest of the day.
Monday, May 15, 2006
chromosomal update
The genetic counselor just called. My chromosomes are normal. I'm not a carrier of the big 4 Ashkenazi Jewish diseases. A clean bill of chromosomal health for me. Thank God.
Of course, I'm XX, though. I'm not a boy.
Of course, I'm XX, though. I'm not a boy.
Paperwork
Last night T and I filled out the paperwork for the IVF visit. It made me a little sad. Like I said, because we know what the problem is, this visit will be different than most people's first visit, I imagine. We'll make a plan for the sperm analysis, make some inquiries about insurance issues, and tell them we'll call them when we feel like we're ready for some assistance (6 months to a year from now if we're unsuccessful). I have no idea if that's how it's going to work, but I'm mentally preparing myself. I really hope they don't try to convince us that our decision is the wrong one. I'm very worried about that.
It's still raining here. It's supposed to rain tomorrow. We have some moisture in the basement, but it's not too bad. The leak in the roof is all going into the huge storage bin so that's not causing problems, either. The cats were unhappy because their walk to the litter box was a bit damp. I moved it to drier parts this morning, so hopefully they'll be a little happier with that now. My oldest brother has no water in his basement (they waterproofed when they finished it) but pools in his yard. But my other brother has a really, really wet basement and the sump can't keep up with all of the water. They're vacuuming it all up. T and I are bummed that we didn't buy a wet/dry vac when we had the opportunity, but oh well. We'll definitely buy one now. Considering we've had nearly a foot of rain in less than a week, we're doing pretty well. Other parts of this state aren't fairing nearly as well.
I'm going to talk about work for a bit. For my job I find people who would be willing to participate in my research study. It involves meeting with me and taking either medication or a placebo (It's double-blind. We don't know who's taking what.) Now, in order to be in this study, you have to meet certain medical criteria, and you have to be able to give informed consent. That is, you have to be able to understand that we're testing the medicine to see if it's helping the specific circumstance of the study. (I won't explain the details here, but let me know if you're curious. I'm not offended if you're not. It's somewhat tedious.) So, one of the doctors here (who will leave this hospital soon, of his own volition) tells me to go talk to this guy because he's having the surgery that qualifies for my study. So I go talk to him. He's a very nice guy, and he seems interested in the study. But the more I talk to him, the more I feel like this guy doesn't understand his medical circumstances. Then I get back to my office and look up his medical history. He has a big psychiatric history. He's stable and on his meds. But the only medical follow-up he does is psychiatric. He ignores the rest of his health. He doesn't take his meds, and it seems like he doesn't really understand his own health care. Not a good candidate. Why would he say he was a really good patient? I just don't get it. I mean, I know all of this medical stuff is complicated, but as a former teacher, I feel like I have a good sense of when people get it. This guy didn't get it. At all. I'm glad that doctor is leaving.
It's still raining here. It's supposed to rain tomorrow. We have some moisture in the basement, but it's not too bad. The leak in the roof is all going into the huge storage bin so that's not causing problems, either. The cats were unhappy because their walk to the litter box was a bit damp. I moved it to drier parts this morning, so hopefully they'll be a little happier with that now. My oldest brother has no water in his basement (they waterproofed when they finished it) but pools in his yard. But my other brother has a really, really wet basement and the sump can't keep up with all of the water. They're vacuuming it all up. T and I are bummed that we didn't buy a wet/dry vac when we had the opportunity, but oh well. We'll definitely buy one now. Considering we've had nearly a foot of rain in less than a week, we're doing pretty well. Other parts of this state aren't fairing nearly as well.
I'm going to talk about work for a bit. For my job I find people who would be willing to participate in my research study. It involves meeting with me and taking either medication or a placebo (It's double-blind. We don't know who's taking what.) Now, in order to be in this study, you have to meet certain medical criteria, and you have to be able to give informed consent. That is, you have to be able to understand that we're testing the medicine to see if it's helping the specific circumstance of the study. (I won't explain the details here, but let me know if you're curious. I'm not offended if you're not. It's somewhat tedious.) So, one of the doctors here (who will leave this hospital soon, of his own volition) tells me to go talk to this guy because he's having the surgery that qualifies for my study. So I go talk to him. He's a very nice guy, and he seems interested in the study. But the more I talk to him, the more I feel like this guy doesn't understand his medical circumstances. Then I get back to my office and look up his medical history. He has a big psychiatric history. He's stable and on his meds. But the only medical follow-up he does is psychiatric. He ignores the rest of his health. He doesn't take his meds, and it seems like he doesn't really understand his own health care. Not a good candidate. Why would he say he was a really good patient? I just don't get it. I mean, I know all of this medical stuff is complicated, but as a former teacher, I feel like I have a good sense of when people get it. This guy didn't get it. At all. I'm glad that doctor is leaving.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
It's Sunday. It's Mother's Day. It's raining.
Technically, I'm watching my stats video right now. The snotty prof is talking about clinical trials. I feel like I'm pretty well versed in clinical trials since I work in them. I am the coordinator for three main trials, one FDA sponsored and one Industry sponsored, and I have worked on others and am also working on writing one (with no sponsor) at the moment. Actually, the thing I am writing is not a clinical trial, it's simply a study. It's more like a survey type thing. A prospective study. Anyway, I am certified in Human Studies Research, and I go to monthly meetings about clinical trials. So, I'm probably not going to learn too, too much in this class. So I'm typing instead. I'm so bad. (But in a good way.)
It's raining. I mean, it's really raining. Really, really raining. Like inches of rain really raining. It hasn't stopped. Our roof is leaking and our basement is wet. We didn't go outside yesterday. We're supposed to go see a movie with E&R today, but I'm not sure I'm going to want to leave. It's that rainy. Standing pools of water rainy. Flood warning rainy.
We haven't gone food shopping for a couple of weeks. We don't have much food in the house. And we have no vegetables. We were supposed to go to the store yesterday, but it was too rainy. We watched TV instead. We watched tons of TV. Hours of TV. I got a headache from all the TV. We didn't do anything practical. Though, I made some yummy spaghetti sauce. It was something I could make with the little bit of food we had in the house. We figured we could make up stuff to eat for a few days. We just don't have any vegetables. Well, I think we have some frozen peas in the freezer. I doubt we'll make it to the store today. We'll see how the day goes. It's not looking good. The Red Sox game was postponed last night, and I'm confident it will be postponed again. Not a fun weekend in the Boston Area.
Happily, my parents are in Las Vegas and I don't have to meet my family today. Usually I love to go spend time with my family, but I'm very happy to let this day slide.
So, I've got to talk about dinner on Friday. First of all, we had the most delicious wine ever. It was an Alsacian Riesling. As good as the dinner was, it was the true highlight for me. So, to start we had soft shell crab tempurah, which was particularly yummy, and then we had a fried mushroom ragout which was weird. It had a poached egg, edible flowers, mushrooms and cockscomb. Yes, that is what you think it is. The comb of a rooster. We ate it. It was weird. It was kind of the same texture as a mushroom. We decided to push our limits and eat it. It was okay. The texture of that whole dish was kind of weird. Not our favorite, but we were glad we tried. For the meal, T had a t-bone pork chop with baby turnips and mixed greens. We had asparagus on the side (which was SOOOOO good) and I had a seafood thing with clams, shrimp and calamari. The calamari was amazing. So soft, it almost melted in my mouth. Everything was cooked so perfectly. It was delicious. For dessert, T had sweet white corn grits with (homemade) Grand Marnier ice cream and a sort of compote. It was yummy! I had mint ice cream profiteroles with bitter chocolate sauce. (It's ice cream in a cream puff shell.) Oh, and we had dessert wine. It was amazing! I was reasonably intoxicated. I tried to not be too giddy. The whole meal was wonderful. It was almost like taking a mini-vacation (and almost as expensive). But it was worth it. It was a nice change of pace.
Look, a whole post w/o talk of IF/bt/etc. Not bad....
It's raining. I mean, it's really raining. Really, really raining. Like inches of rain really raining. It hasn't stopped. Our roof is leaking and our basement is wet. We didn't go outside yesterday. We're supposed to go see a movie with E&R today, but I'm not sure I'm going to want to leave. It's that rainy. Standing pools of water rainy. Flood warning rainy.
We haven't gone food shopping for a couple of weeks. We don't have much food in the house. And we have no vegetables. We were supposed to go to the store yesterday, but it was too rainy. We watched TV instead. We watched tons of TV. Hours of TV. I got a headache from all the TV. We didn't do anything practical. Though, I made some yummy spaghetti sauce. It was something I could make with the little bit of food we had in the house. We figured we could make up stuff to eat for a few days. We just don't have any vegetables. Well, I think we have some frozen peas in the freezer. I doubt we'll make it to the store today. We'll see how the day goes. It's not looking good. The Red Sox game was postponed last night, and I'm confident it will be postponed again. Not a fun weekend in the Boston Area.
Happily, my parents are in Las Vegas and I don't have to meet my family today. Usually I love to go spend time with my family, but I'm very happy to let this day slide.
So, I've got to talk about dinner on Friday. First of all, we had the most delicious wine ever. It was an Alsacian Riesling. As good as the dinner was, it was the true highlight for me. So, to start we had soft shell crab tempurah, which was particularly yummy, and then we had a fried mushroom ragout which was weird. It had a poached egg, edible flowers, mushrooms and cockscomb. Yes, that is what you think it is. The comb of a rooster. We ate it. It was weird. It was kind of the same texture as a mushroom. We decided to push our limits and eat it. It was okay. The texture of that whole dish was kind of weird. Not our favorite, but we were glad we tried. For the meal, T had a t-bone pork chop with baby turnips and mixed greens. We had asparagus on the side (which was SOOOOO good) and I had a seafood thing with clams, shrimp and calamari. The calamari was amazing. So soft, it almost melted in my mouth. Everything was cooked so perfectly. It was delicious. For dessert, T had sweet white corn grits with (homemade) Grand Marnier ice cream and a sort of compote. It was yummy! I had mint ice cream profiteroles with bitter chocolate sauce. (It's ice cream in a cream puff shell.) Oh, and we had dessert wine. It was amazing! I was reasonably intoxicated. I tried to not be too giddy. The whole meal was wonderful. It was almost like taking a mini-vacation (and almost as expensive). But it was worth it. It was a nice change of pace.
Look, a whole post w/o talk of IF/bt/etc. Not bad....
Friday, May 12, 2006
Naked
Does this catch your eye? Does it? Huh? Well, there are no naked pictures here. But I bet people who search and don't usually get my blog will have it as a result this time around. Ha!
Anyway, I wrote naked because today is my birthday. And that made me think of birthday suits. And that made me think naked. Dumb, I know, but those titles are very difficult. I never know what to label my posts. I suppose I could leave it blank or put the date or something boring like that. Maybe I will when I run out of ideas.
So, today's my birthday. I'm 34. See, my profile changed to say 34. I'm 34 now. Not too old, but it's weighing a little heavy on me. I mean, I don't mind being old per se. It's just that when there are reproductive issues, each year has so much more meaning. And this time around I'm really fine in terms of age, but who knows how long it's going to take? And then how old will I be the second time around? I know, I'm a worry wart. But I just don't like birthdays anymore. So there.
That being said, T and I are going to the Craigie Street Bistrot for dinner tonight. It's supposed to be yummy. Yes, we have a reservation. Hopefully we won't be completely soaking wet when we get in there. It's really supposed to rain. I doubt they'll get any games in this weekend. It's supposed to be that bad. Rain, rain and more rain. Inches and inches of rain.
We desperately need to go food shopping, as we didn't go last weekend, and on Sunday I think we may go see a movie with E and R (her husband). We're thinking of seeing Lonesome Jim or Thank You for Smoking. I haven't seen a movie for ages. We saw V for Vendetta at the IMAX maybe a month ago. Or more. I don't remember. But that was the last movie we saw.
It is mother's day this weekend. My mother will be in Las Vegas, so nothing eventful is going to happen as a result of that. My mother wanted all of her children to get together in her absence, but I didn't want to host it, and what's the tie-in on mother's day if she's not there? Besides, I'm not really in a celebrating mother's day kind of mood. At least she understood that. But her big fear is that we won't get together after she's gone. I think that is not true at all. We will get together on holidays and on people's birthdays and whatnot. But mother's day is for one's own mother. Just like anniversaries are for couples. My mom doesn't think so, but I do. The only person who I want to remember our anniversary is T. Actually, I think he's more into anniversaries than I am anyway. I don't put significant value on those kinds of things. Not that someone completely forgetting something wouldn't bum me out.
I am starting to be scared that the doctor at the IVF place is going to say something to change Tabor's mind about ttc. This is my new fear to obsess about. I don't know what they would say that would make him think that way, but I consider it a definite possibility. I'm just not ready to give up ttc yet. I can't really explain why, but I'm not ready yet. I want T to not be ready yet, too. I'm just worried about how long this will take.
And now we've made our conversation circle because I'm back to hating my birthday again. Thank you! Thank you very much. I am here for your daily neurotic entertainment. Don't forget to tip your waiter.
Anyway, I wrote naked because today is my birthday. And that made me think of birthday suits. And that made me think naked. Dumb, I know, but those titles are very difficult. I never know what to label my posts. I suppose I could leave it blank or put the date or something boring like that. Maybe I will when I run out of ideas.
So, today's my birthday. I'm 34. See, my profile changed to say 34. I'm 34 now. Not too old, but it's weighing a little heavy on me. I mean, I don't mind being old per se. It's just that when there are reproductive issues, each year has so much more meaning. And this time around I'm really fine in terms of age, but who knows how long it's going to take? And then how old will I be the second time around? I know, I'm a worry wart. But I just don't like birthdays anymore. So there.
That being said, T and I are going to the Craigie Street Bistrot for dinner tonight. It's supposed to be yummy. Yes, we have a reservation. Hopefully we won't be completely soaking wet when we get in there. It's really supposed to rain. I doubt they'll get any games in this weekend. It's supposed to be that bad. Rain, rain and more rain. Inches and inches of rain.
We desperately need to go food shopping, as we didn't go last weekend, and on Sunday I think we may go see a movie with E and R (her husband). We're thinking of seeing Lonesome Jim or Thank You for Smoking. I haven't seen a movie for ages. We saw V for Vendetta at the IMAX maybe a month ago. Or more. I don't remember. But that was the last movie we saw.
It is mother's day this weekend. My mother will be in Las Vegas, so nothing eventful is going to happen as a result of that. My mother wanted all of her children to get together in her absence, but I didn't want to host it, and what's the tie-in on mother's day if she's not there? Besides, I'm not really in a celebrating mother's day kind of mood. At least she understood that. But her big fear is that we won't get together after she's gone. I think that is not true at all. We will get together on holidays and on people's birthdays and whatnot. But mother's day is for one's own mother. Just like anniversaries are for couples. My mom doesn't think so, but I do. The only person who I want to remember our anniversary is T. Actually, I think he's more into anniversaries than I am anyway. I don't put significant value on those kinds of things. Not that someone completely forgetting something wouldn't bum me out.
I am starting to be scared that the doctor at the IVF place is going to say something to change Tabor's mind about ttc. This is my new fear to obsess about. I don't know what they would say that would make him think that way, but I consider it a definite possibility. I'm just not ready to give up ttc yet. I can't really explain why, but I'm not ready yet. I want T to not be ready yet, too. I'm just worried about how long this will take.
And now we've made our conversation circle because I'm back to hating my birthday again. Thank you! Thank you very much. I am here for your daily neurotic entertainment. Don't forget to tip your waiter.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
5 stages?
I just found this website that says that the 5 stages of greif is too limited for traumatic loss/experience. Instead, they talked about Grief Work. It is defined as TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This is recognizable to me. This is what we are going through.
So I think T and I have come to an agreement. We are adjusting to the environment. We are going to ttc next month. We are not cancelling our appointment next week. We are not ruling out that we may need IVF with PGD in the future. We just know that we have a long wait for all of this IVF stuff to work out, and we probably need more 'proof' that IVF is necessary for us. So, we have to try again. We know this poses some additional risks, but we really don't see an alternative. This is scary, but it's what's happening. Who knows We could end up with a baby. It's not impossible. We also could end up having to terminate or simply miscarrying. Any combination of those things could happen as well. I guess what's important is that we feel like this is the right decision for us at this time. Things may change, but this is where we are now.
I feel like it's such a time to be in this place. It's nearly my birthday, it's mother's day and we have an appointment with an IVF place in a week.
I think I'm feeling a bit better with this decision. T and I went out last night to watch the Sox lose to the Yankees. We drank beer and were sarcastic and smiled and laughed. It felt good. I felt like we hadn't done that for a while. It was nice. It was good. I want to feel like that more.
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This is recognizable to me. This is what we are going through.
So I think T and I have come to an agreement. We are adjusting to the environment. We are going to ttc next month. We are not cancelling our appointment next week. We are not ruling out that we may need IVF with PGD in the future. We just know that we have a long wait for all of this IVF stuff to work out, and we probably need more 'proof' that IVF is necessary for us. So, we have to try again. We know this poses some additional risks, but we really don't see an alternative. This is scary, but it's what's happening. Who knows We could end up with a baby. It's not impossible. We also could end up having to terminate or simply miscarrying. Any combination of those things could happen as well. I guess what's important is that we feel like this is the right decision for us at this time. Things may change, but this is where we are now.
I feel like it's such a time to be in this place. It's nearly my birthday, it's mother's day and we have an appointment with an IVF place in a week.
I think I'm feeling a bit better with this decision. T and I went out last night to watch the Sox lose to the Yankees. We drank beer and were sarcastic and smiled and laughed. It felt good. I felt like we hadn't done that for a while. It was nice. It was good. I want to feel like that more.
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