Not ready

So, our house is supposed to be ready to be shown on Wednesday. WEDNESDAY. I've been working all week, with my mom here to babysit Henry so that I can accomplish things. I have, but we are SO NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready for this. I am freaking out. FREAKING OUT. Our house is still a complete mess. I don't know how we're going to keep our house neat enough to have an open house in it. How do we live in a house and keep it immaculate? We're going to have to take our microwave out of the kitchen. How do I live without a microwave?

To say I'm feeling stressed is an understatement. We have a LOT to do this weekend.

Oy.

Worried

I'm a little bit worried about CC and O. Neither I nor the adoption lawyer has heard from them for 6 months. I have a blog with videos of Henry for them to watch and I have a y0utub3 video embedded on it and they haven't watched it.

They are normally very online.

I'm concerned. I do have some old phone numbers for them, but to be honest I'm afraid to call them. My last interaction with O. was a little uncomfortable and that was via IM. I'm not sure what I would do if it went that way on the phone.

We don't have much of an established relationship, so I'm not sure how to navigate this. They really wanted to maintain contact with us throughout Henry's life, so I want to make sure I know how to contact them.

Perhaps they just want some space, but that's not the feeling I get. The feeling I get is that they've hit a rough spot. I guess I just have to be patient and hope this rough spot gets smoothed over and then I will hear from them again.

But I remain worried.

Comments

I got blogger errors when trying to publish comments, so I apologize if your comments don't appear. Some of them seem to have gotten inadvertently deleted. I'm sorry.

Blame blogger. :(

Thanks for them, though!

ETA: I think they appeared! Hurray!

"It gets easier!"

Parents of older babies/toddlers are always telling parents of newborns, "Hang in there! It gets easier!" I don't get this. Is this a breastfeeding thing? A lack of sleep thing?

I know I have an exceptionally easy baby. He was just as happy to be held as not held. He slept through the night at about 14 weeks, and had only 1 wake-up per night starting around 8-10 weeks. He doesn't really fuss or complain. He's happy to play by himself.

However, now that he's much more aware of what's going on and he's becoming mobile, he is demanding much more attention. I can't just plop him in a bouncy seat and make dinner. To me, it's getting HARDER. (Not that it's hard, really. It just takes a little more energy now.)

Yes, the feedings are less frequent now. But he used to nap ANYWHERE in the infant bucket seat. I could just carry it in the house and he'd continue to sleep. That doesn't happen any more. I can still transfer him from the car seat to the crib and he'll go back to sleep sometimes, but not every time. And as time goes on, this will happen less and less. That's not easier.

I don't get it. What's this "It gets easier!" thing about?

It happened

Well, the seller of the house agreed to all of our sticking points. No compromise on our side. So, I guess we're buying a house.

I had mentally moved on from this house and expected to be able to put our house on the market before buying. Now I have to go back to the "we might have two mortgages" and "it's only money" mindset. Yikes.

It's the right thing to do. We're getting an amazing deal on this house. We shouldn't be able to afford this house. In the long run, we will be very pleased. But right now it's scary.

But I guess it's a good scary. We need to get our house ready for the market. We have A LOT of cleaning to do. Overwhelming.

Busy

Life is busy. Henry's schedule really fills the day and I find it difficult to do too much. We're working on getting a mortgage and whipping our current house into shape so that we can get it on the market.

After our home inspection we found some issues with the house. Then we found some more. We're currently at an impasse with these negotiations and I'm not sure what's going to happen. We may come to an agreement and we may have to walk away.

I'll be okay if this falls through. I find this terribly nerve wracking. I think T will have a much harder time with it, but I told him that if this doesn't happen then it just wasn't meant to be. We've decided to still put our house on the market even if this falls through. I might secretly hope that it does fall through, or at least that things get pushed out even further. But if they don't, I guess that's okay too.

Henry is getting more and more mobile every day. He had his 9 month appointment and he weighs 20 lbs 9 oz! I can't believe it! He's eating all sorts of food and he's getting very independent. He is learning to drink from a sippy cup, which I'm pleased about.

I wrote an email to CC and O. and sent them some pictures and a link to some videos. I told them we'd love to hear from them. So far I haven't heard anything. I hope they're still online enough to receive the email. I can't imagine them not online, but I guess you never know what can happen.

I feel like so much is going on that I haven't been able to hang out with my other mom friends much lately. I feel bad as I was just forming some new friendships and suddenly I haven't seen anybody in a few weeks. Henry has been taking long naps in the morning making it difficult to get out of the house. He just seems to nap a lot right now. But I still like being home and I don't think I feel particularly bored, so I guess things are going okay.

Tomorrow my parents are coming over to watch Henry while T and I clean like the dickens.

Accepted

We came to an agreement on the house.

I'm very, very, very afraid. I got major cold feet at the last minute, but my parents and T convinced me that this is the right thing to do in the long run. It will be a challenge in the short run, but it will be good for the long term.

I think I'm going to need to get a part time job.

Oy. Tell me we're doing the right thing.

This day

I am overwhelmed by this day. We are dealing with the house stuff, but I'm thinking mostly of CC and of those who are still struggling and those who have decided to resolve without parenting.

Lori has said this so beautifully, I will leave it with her.

But mostly I am so thankful that I get to be the mommy to this precious little boy. I'm still amazed every single day that I get this privilege.

Offer

We put in an offer on a house. I don't think this offer will be accepted, but we'll see what happens. We have a number that we can't go past, and I will walk away if we get there.

It's a LOT OF MONEY and it makes me very, very nervous. We can swing it, but it's going to be a change for us, I think. I'm very nervous. Have I mentioned the nervous?

It's a lot of space that can fit the dog, 2 kids and my MIL if need be.

We'll see what happens. It needs A LOT OF WORK, but it's a great community that's close to the city, you can walk to some stores and some coffee and the bus, and the schools are some of the best in the state.

This is scary and I'm not sure what's going to happen. We could back out of this easily if we get cold feet. But here we go.

And no, it's not nearly as pretty on the outside as this house is.

Quiet

Things are quiet. And by quiet, I mean busy in a normal way. Henry is beyond wonderful, as usual. He waved for the first time yesterday. He did it 2 or 3 times, so it definitely wasn't a fluke. I haven't got him to do it today, though. We'll keep trying.

He's eating finger foods and starting to move around more and more, though he still isn't doing a proper crawl.

I'm just so thankful every day that he is here, that I get to stay home and take care of him all day and that I truly enjoy it.

I guess I'm feeling a little wistful. The weather has been pretty good and we don't have to boil our water any more.

Happy Meme

The lovely and smart DrSpouse tagged me in a meme. I'm not really a meme person, but it's ten things that make may day and I can really get behind that idea, so here it goes.

1. Seeing Henry smile at me when I go into his room in the morning. 'Nuff said.
   
2. Coffee. DrSpouse said that first, but I absolutely, fully and completely adore coffee. I gave it up for three years trying to get pregnant, and I don't think I'll ever do it again.
3. T telling me he loves me. He does this every day. Even still.
4. Knitting. Though I have really been slacking on this lately, I still love it.
5. A good book. It's the best when you use every free moment to crack it open and just get in a few more pages.
6. A delicious meal. When you take a bite and have to say, "Yummm!" every time. Yum.
7. A walk on a cool sunny day. Nothing is more invigorating for me.
8. Being in the city. I love being able to walk places and having anything I want right near me. The city makes me feel free.
9. Watching Bistro run. He was made for running, and when we go some place large enough, watching him smile and run circles around me is very satisfying. He loves it.
10. Being a mom. I still am amazed every day that I get to be a mom. I am so lucky.
    

Wagon ride

Fun in the wagon from Grandma & Grandpa.

Four years

Apparently today is my blogoversary. Thanks to Mel for reminding me. I wouldn't have remembered myself.

So, on this day four years ago, I started a blog and a greyhound pup was born. I can't believe I've had this blog for 4 years. I started after my second miscarriage and our BT diagnosis. A lot has happened since then.

Thinking about time always freaks me out. Past, and future all being the present at some point.

Anyway I guess I'm here for the long haul.

Life

I'm too tired to type. I went to see They Might Be Giants in downtown Boston today. It was great fun, but I'm exhausted!

I want to mention a few things:

• We asked for and received the paperwork to start filling out for kid #2. I'm a little afraid of this, but I know people who have been waiting 24 months or more for #2, so I feel like we need to fill it out.
• I think we're not going to try embryo donation. I just don't think I can cycle again.
• Tomorrow B-dog turns 4.
• House hunting is weird. We're learning a lot. I'm still not sure where I want to live, but we're looking. We haven't found the right place yet, but we have seen several places that are close. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if we find some place I really want. I fear moving.
• I love Henry. He's super adorable and he seems to attract strangers. They're always commenting to me about how cute he is. I like it. A stranger told me today that I'm lucky. I agreed with him. Here is my evidence:
  

Sleepover

T and I had Henry sleep over at his grammie and grampie's house last night. We thought it would be nice for him to get used to being away from us from time to time.

He did well. He woke up twice right after he went down to sleep, but otherwise he did really well. My parents are having a ball with him. He's such a good little boy -- so easygoing.

T and I went out for a nice dinner, though ironically there were a bunch of babies and kids at the restaurant. Our food was delicious and it's a pretty nice restaurant, but it's part of a hotel, so I guess that's why there were so many kids there. It was still enjoyable.

Henry is such a good boy that it doesn't even feel much quieter or less hectic that he's not here. I just miss him.


I cannot wait to see him later this afternoon! I miss my boy!

Not as fun as it seems.

We went to open houses today. We saw a beautiful house. It's in the suburbs. I don't like the suburbs. Things have turned a bit sour. Turns out moving is more difficult for us to sort out than infertility. Didn't see that one coming.

Breastfeeding

Did everybody see this new study about breastfeeding that came out?

Whenever I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, it makes me feel bad. There are two main reasons for this, I think. One is it reminds me of the part of the 'mommy' club that I'm not in. I didn't give birth to my child. I had no milk to give him. Secondly, it seems that many of my FB friends are vehement breastfeeding advocates. I've actually had to hide some people because it seems that 90% of their posts are about natural child birth and BF.

Even though no one has said this to me (except maybe LLL, but f#^k them) sometimes I feel like these people think that feeding your child formula is poisoning them or is like child abuse or something. They just push it so strongly that it makes me feel broken.

I'm pretty sure that most people understand why I don't BF my son. To be honest, I'm kind of glad I don't as it seems formula fed babies are a little bit easier -- at least they have been in my random, non-scientific observing of babies. (I know 3 bottle fed and tens of BF and all the bottle fed babies are MUCH better sleepers and generally more easygoing.) I like that I don't have to pump and that anyone can feed Henry without any fuss.

That being said, I just feel bad about it, and I'm so happy to be a mom and I love Henry so much that I hate that something like this makes me feel bad.

Good problems

We looked at a house today. It's at the top of our price range, but it was REALLY nice. We made a list of pros and cons about the house. The good thing is that I don't feel like I must have that house right now, but of course now I'm obsessed with looking.

The toughest thing is deciding which town. One town has excellent schools but you get less house for the money. Another town has good enough schools with much more house for the money. We could stay in our current town, but the schools here aren't that great after elementary school and I hope we stay in our new house longer than we stayed in this one.

Most of the places we're looking are much more suburban than I'm comfortable with. I'm telling myself that a 3 minute drive to the commuter rail or a walk to one bus line is good enough. I grew up in a place with no public transportation and I do not want that for my children. I'd love to live in an urban area, but in the end I'm not willing to compromise space so that we could afford it.

I wish we could stay here a little big longer, but the other day when I came home to our neighbor's drug addicted son calling her the c-word as he was led away by the cops. I also found one of those tiny plastic bags used for drugs on our lawn. There is constant shouting and swearing in front of our house and people drive those loud, tiny motorcycles around. I really feel like we need to go. It makes me sad, though.

These are difficult decisions to make, but I understand that I am lucky to have "problems" such as these.

How to know

We're starting to think about moving. We love our house and we hate moving, but the house will feel small once we have another kid, and we have BIG issues with our neighborhood. We love the location of this house. We could stay in this house with another kid, but it wouldn't be ideal. But there is a lot of yelling and swearing in the neighborhood and it really upsets me to think this is what Henry is going to observe when he plays outside. I don't want him to learn about this stuff so early. I know he will learn all this stuff someday, but I'd rather it be after I'm able to control most of what he encounters -- you know, at least til he's 5 or something.

Part of me doesn't want to move. I don't know if it's the right thing or not. But I don't think we're going to live in this house forever and maybe while the market is still a little down we should do an upgrade. Sure we've lost some money on this house, but if you add it all up and spread it out over the 5 years we've lived here, it's still cheaper than the rent we would have paid had we not bought it.

One of the bigger problems about this is that I don't know where I want to move to. The towns I would really want to move to we cannot afford. It has to be convenient to T's work. I'm not big on the suburbs, so it has to be near the city. I think I'm going to have to compromise myself a bit and move further away from the city than I would like. I'm unhappy about this, but I think it's the only way.

I wish I knew what to do.

I guess it doesn't cost anything to look.

Teething

It appears that one of Henry's upper teeth is starting to come in. He was acting uncharacteristically cranky this afternoon and I took a peek. There's a huge bulge up there. Poor little guy. He is one unhappy little dude. Hopefully an extra early bed time will help.