I gave my notice at work today. I finally had it. I have a co-worker who is a bit of a b!tch, and she sent me a scathing email for supposedly making a tiny mistake. I'm still not convinced I'm the one that made the mistake, but that's sort of beside the point. As you probably recall, I've been hating my job for some time now, so I finally just decided to call it quits. As I'm only working part time now, I figured temping will give me just as much money if not more, and at least I can know that each job is only temporary. I just couldn't stand the negative vibes at that place any more. So, I'm hoping my last day is Aug 24, but we shall see. Now that I have given my notice, I do feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I know it's the right thing to do.
That being said, I still feel like sh!t about my work situation. I'm lucky in that T makes a good income, and if mine isn't steady we won't go bankrupt and lose our house. And I also know that I help us as a couple by organizing everything, cooking and doing most of the cleaning, taking care of the laundry and other general household stuff. I know that is not nothing. But I still feel guilty not having some sort of reasonable income. I mean, I have a Master's Degree for god's sake. I should be able to have some sort of reasonable job. But my last two jobs have been so crappy. It's made dealing with all of this IF stuff even worse because I have no calm time. I feel like I've made poor choices for myself, even though much of what has happened has been beyond my control. I am going to try really hard to not take a job unless I'm absolutely sure that it's right for me this time. In the mean time, I will temp or find some sort of shit job of some sort. I know my sanity is of utmost importance, but I have a guilt problem. I can find a way to feel guilty about anything.
I'm lucky in that T is so supportive of me. He knows that my job has been eating me up, and I showed him the emails from the b!tch co-worker, and he agreed with me that it was time to give my notice. I know it is the right thing for me, but I do worry about my future with work. Maybe temping will help me find something I can live with for a little while.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Thoughts on being open
My understanding of being open with a child about his or her origins means making sure she (I will refer to said child as she for the rest of this post, simply because it is easier) has always known about them. That means, before she can talk or read or understand, we are going to repeat her story to her. Her story is her story. It isn't good; it isn't bad; it is simply her story. She will grow up knowing it, and though she may not fully understand its implications, she will have no memory of not knowing it.
I am going to put together a book and read it like a good night story to her. Every child loves to hear her birth story, and our child will be no different. Her story may be a little different, but she will simply always know it as her story and will not know any different. It will simply be a small part of who she is.
When she is four, she may decide to tell random people parts of her story. She may react to something someone says to her with parts of her story. Her story will be out there. The question is how to prepare others for this possible situation.
T and I need to talk about this. I think it is better if people just know. I think he doesn't want to share as much. I don't mean that we should tell strangers on the street, but some of his closer coworkers, maybe. Aunts and uncles and cousins should know. If people know, they will not be shocked if it comes out of the kid. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply part of who she is. If it is just the way it is, then why wouldn't everybody know?
I don't know how T will feel about this. I don't know when it will be time to share the information with other people. I do know that we have to absorb this information into our lives and accept it with our hearts and our souls because this is how we are going to bring our child into the world. And we have to share this with our child completely.
I am going to put together a book and read it like a good night story to her. Every child loves to hear her birth story, and our child will be no different. Her story may be a little different, but she will simply always know it as her story and will not know any different. It will simply be a small part of who she is.
When she is four, she may decide to tell random people parts of her story. She may react to something someone says to her with parts of her story. Her story will be out there. The question is how to prepare others for this possible situation.
T and I need to talk about this. I think it is better if people just know. I think he doesn't want to share as much. I don't mean that we should tell strangers on the street, but some of his closer coworkers, maybe. Aunts and uncles and cousins should know. If people know, they will not be shocked if it comes out of the kid. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is simply part of who she is. If it is just the way it is, then why wouldn't everybody know?
I don't know how T will feel about this. I don't know when it will be time to share the information with other people. I do know that we have to absorb this information into our lives and accept it with our hearts and our souls because this is how we are going to bring our child into the world. And we have to share this with our child completely.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
ovulation
My bbt went up this morning indicating ovulation, so the timing of the IUI could not have been better. I think we're both doing okay with things. T is less sad than he thought he would be. I think I am where I expected to be -- sad, but hopeful.
I keep wanting to do things to increase the chances of success, but I know there isn't anything I can do (or stop doing) to make the chances of becoming pregnant go up. It's a crap shoot. So I am continuing to knit, continuing to search for a job, and just doing whatever it is I normally do. I went for a walk this morning -- I am trying to keep up with exercising.
I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I think I want to discuss disclosure with her. Like, once I finally do get pregnant (notice the positive slant there?), how do we or do we not disclose the donor issue? Do we just say something if someone asks a probing question? Do we not disclose anything? We don't want to lie, and we don't want anyone to think it's a 'secret' but at the same time, it's not something we plan on singing from the rooftops, I guess. Though, I am really bad at keeping things in. I have a tendency to over share. So, I'm not sure how to resolve all of those issues. But I really think my therapist will have a good idea about how to handle all of this.
So, today is 1dpo. How early can I poas?
I keep wanting to do things to increase the chances of success, but I know there isn't anything I can do (or stop doing) to make the chances of becoming pregnant go up. It's a crap shoot. So I am continuing to knit, continuing to search for a job, and just doing whatever it is I normally do. I went for a walk this morning -- I am trying to keep up with exercising.
I'm going to therapy tomorrow. I think I want to discuss disclosure with her. Like, once I finally do get pregnant (notice the positive slant there?), how do we or do we not disclose the donor issue? Do we just say something if someone asks a probing question? Do we not disclose anything? We don't want to lie, and we don't want anyone to think it's a 'secret' but at the same time, it's not something we plan on singing from the rooftops, I guess. Though, I am really bad at keeping things in. I have a tendency to over share. So, I'm not sure how to resolve all of those issues. But I really think my therapist will have a good idea about how to handle all of this.
So, today is 1dpo. How early can I poas?
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Now We Wait
It's done.
Yesterday I picked up the sperm and brought it home. It is in this HUGE tank and I had to strap it in the back seat and secure it with the seatbelt. When I saw what was in that HUGE tank, I looked at it and said to the nurse, "That's it? Did you know that cost $520?" Her eyes got wide. I don't think she knew how expensive donor sperm was. And it was the tiniest bit of sem.en I have ever seen. It was pre-washed, but it was really mind boggling how tiny that little bit of sperm that so many of our hopes are piled into was.
The numbers were excellent. The count was 38 million, and this was after washing. The motility was good. I don't remember the exact number, but it was definitely a good. The only thing that wasn't stellar was the 'retrograde' motion. They like to see it at a 2 or a 3 (it goes up to 4 with 4 being best) and the sample was only a 2. But hopefully since it was already up there in the uterus, that won't matter too much.
The procedure was pretty easy. There was a bit of cramping, both during and after, but it was pretty easy. After doing IVF, an natural IUI was a breeze.
We both cried a little this morning. We were both nervous. But we both knew it was a means to an end, and this is what we had to do. My beta is scheduled for Friday the 24th. But I'm a stick pee-er, and I will definitely test before that. Especially since Mary Ellen gave me a bunch of the bulk tests she bought.
So, we're off. A new kind of 2ww. Please let this work. Please.
Yesterday I picked up the sperm and brought it home. It is in this HUGE tank and I had to strap it in the back seat and secure it with the seatbelt. When I saw what was in that HUGE tank, I looked at it and said to the nurse, "That's it? Did you know that cost $520?" Her eyes got wide. I don't think she knew how expensive donor sperm was. And it was the tiniest bit of sem.en I have ever seen. It was pre-washed, but it was really mind boggling how tiny that little bit of sperm that so many of our hopes are piled into was.
The numbers were excellent. The count was 38 million, and this was after washing. The motility was good. I don't remember the exact number, but it was definitely a good. The only thing that wasn't stellar was the 'retrograde' motion. They like to see it at a 2 or a 3 (it goes up to 4 with 4 being best) and the sample was only a 2. But hopefully since it was already up there in the uterus, that won't matter too much.
The procedure was pretty easy. There was a bit of cramping, both during and after, but it was pretty easy. After doing IVF, an natural IUI was a breeze.
We both cried a little this morning. We were both nervous. But we both knew it was a means to an end, and this is what we had to do. My beta is scheduled for Friday the 24th. But I'm a stick pee-er, and I will definitely test before that. Especially since Mary Ellen gave me a bunch of the bulk tests she bought.
So, we're off. A new kind of 2ww. Please let this work. Please.
Friday, August 10, 2007
covered
I called the RE's office yesterday, and the word had come in that day that we are covered for our procedure. Now we know where we're going! So, I called the appropriate nurse and discussed things, and I told them that I was bringing the vial of sperm in myself. We still haven't signed all of the consent forms, so we're going to have to do that too.
And, I got a positive OPK this morning, so the dIUI will be tomorrow. I still have butterflies when I say this, but this is it. Here we go.
So, I am both scheduling the IUI and picking up the vial of sperm today. Tomorrow will be the procedure, and then I'm launching into another 2ww. Oy. And I only have one HPT in the house.
I got my hair cut last night, and in the spirit of conversation the woman cutting my hair asked if I had any plans this weekend. I just had to say, "No." Though we are going to be open, "I'm having a dIUI!" is not how I'm going to answer this question. I am injecting the sperm of some man I have never met before into my uterus this weekend. That ain't nothing. That is huge. But I've been very adamant of telling people, even people who know, that things are happening "soon" and not giving dates. If we were having se.x, no one would be asking for exact dates. So "soon" will have to do. I will tell them when (please, let it be a when!) we are pregnant. There are a couple of people we will tell early on -- people who I would tell I had another miscarriage if that were to happen. But I'm trying to keep this process as normal (ha!) as possible.
And, I got a positive OPK this morning, so the dIUI will be tomorrow. I still have butterflies when I say this, but this is it. Here we go.
So, I am both scheduling the IUI and picking up the vial of sperm today. Tomorrow will be the procedure, and then I'm launching into another 2ww. Oy. And I only have one HPT in the house.
I got my hair cut last night, and in the spirit of conversation the woman cutting my hair asked if I had any plans this weekend. I just had to say, "No." Though we are going to be open, "I'm having a dIUI!" is not how I'm going to answer this question. I am injecting the sperm of some man I have never met before into my uterus this weekend. That ain't nothing. That is huge. But I've been very adamant of telling people, even people who know, that things are happening "soon" and not giving dates. If we were having se.x, no one would be asking for exact dates. So "soon" will have to do. I will tell them when (please, let it be a when!) we are pregnant. There are a couple of people we will tell early on -- people who I would tell I had another miscarriage if that were to happen. But I'm trying to keep this process as normal (ha!) as possible.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
It's here!
Just as ultimatejourney suggested, my cm has shown up. It's not the fertile kind yet, but the fact that any was there at all is of great comfort to me. I used an OPK this morning just for peace of mind. No surge yet (which I was expecting) but at least I know for sure and I won't be freaking out all day. I also ordered the sperm. It will get here tomorrow and I will go pick up my vial in the afternoon in case we need to use it this weekend. We still don't know where we're going to have the IUI done and we still haven't heard from insurance.
As far as interviews go, the one on Tuesday went well. I have this hesitating feeling about the woman who interviewed me, though. And right now I'm not sure I could take a job where I have this hesitation. It's still early, and I have no idea if I'm going in for a second interview, never mind get an offer, but I'm not quite certain I would take it if it were offered to me. Luckily, I have another interview today. It's for a much more simple, straight forward position that feels really appealing right now. Of course, I need to go to the interview to see what it will really be like, but if I am pretty much left alone to do this simple work, that might be just the type of job I should take right now. I want something that will keep me busy all day, but won't have too much emotional stress. And I want a job that I will feel comfortable quitting once it is finally (finally!) time to have a baby in our home. So, we'll see.
T is sort of freaking out now that the fertile time is near. He's really scared and sad about all this. I can tell him I think everything will be okay, but there is little I can do to truly make him feel better about it. He went to a little work outing yesterday and a couple of people asked him, "When are there going to be little Ts running around?" It was all he could do to not say, "Never." This breaks my heart.
As far as interviews go, the one on Tuesday went well. I have this hesitating feeling about the woman who interviewed me, though. And right now I'm not sure I could take a job where I have this hesitation. It's still early, and I have no idea if I'm going in for a second interview, never mind get an offer, but I'm not quite certain I would take it if it were offered to me. Luckily, I have another interview today. It's for a much more simple, straight forward position that feels really appealing right now. Of course, I need to go to the interview to see what it will really be like, but if I am pretty much left alone to do this simple work, that might be just the type of job I should take right now. I want something that will keep me busy all day, but won't have too much emotional stress. And I want a job that I will feel comfortable quitting once it is finally (finally!) time to have a baby in our home. So, we'll see.
T is sort of freaking out now that the fertile time is near. He's really scared and sad about all this. I can tell him I think everything will be okay, but there is little I can do to truly make him feel better about it. He went to a little work outing yesterday and a couple of people asked him, "When are there going to be little Ts running around?" It was all he could do to not say, "Never." This breaks my heart.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
This is about cm, so if you don't want to know, don't read it
Has my fertile time gone? Today is CD 11. I have yet to see any cm. I went over my older charts and it's not the first time I haven't had cm by CD 11, but I should be seeing some. I need to order the sperm, and I want to order it when I know I'll use it within a week. But the only way I'll know that is if I see some cm and I know the LH surge will be coming. I haven't peed on an OPK yet, but I will tomorrow morning, even though I still have no cm. I was planning on doing it at my first hint of cm, but I cannot wait any longer.
I'm sort of worried that 6 months of being on crazy amounts of hormones has forever altered my cycle. I'm also worried that the stress of worrying about my fertile time is going to delay ovulation. Which stresses me out. Anyone else see a pattern here?
Yes, I'm over worried. But I want to see some damn cm so I can get this damn dIUI out of the way.
I'm going to order the sperm right now.
Ah, baby making. Isn't it romantic?
I'm sort of worried that 6 months of being on crazy amounts of hormones has forever altered my cycle. I'm also worried that the stress of worrying about my fertile time is going to delay ovulation. Which stresses me out. Anyone else see a pattern here?
Yes, I'm over worried. But I want to see some damn cm so I can get this damn dIUI out of the way.
I'm going to order the sperm right now.
Ah, baby making. Isn't it romantic?
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Lovely Weather
Today was beautiful. E&R came over with baby S and I gave them the hat. It fits him perfectly! It was gorgeous out, so we took a walk to a popular city square near our house and had lunch. I think I got a little sunburn on my neck, but the weather was lovely, and it was great to get the exercise. Little S is really getting big. He's standing up well and moving around while holding on to things. He looks and acts so much like R, it honestly makes me a little sad. I look in his face and I see R. I just think about how we will look in our child's face and without even knowing it, we will see the donor. I mean, I know we will love our child and everything will be fine. And I know we will even see parts of T in our child. But it will just never be like the way I see R in baby S, and that just makes me sad. I honestly don't think that part of the loss will ever completely go away. I think it will diminish some once we have a baby to love, but I don't think it will ever completely go away.
I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.
Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.
It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.
I am still on a hat knitting kick. I have made a second hat like the one I made for S. Now I am making a little strawberry hat for T's boss's baby that will be born in September. I also made the baby this teddy bear.
I think I will put the hat on the bear when I give it to them.Tomorrow, I am going to try to get my hair cut, go to therapy and go see my career counselor. I'm excited to tell her about my job interview. It's related to education, which is what I have my master's degree in, so I am pretty excited about it.
It's been a nice weekend. We had friends over on Saturday night just hanging out. We grilled and we made vegies from our CSA box. We sat there in our living room, and I felt very grown up. Sometimes the fact that I'm a 35-year-old adult who is married and owns a house freaks me out a little. I don't feel that different inside than I did when I was in college. I mean, I feel a little bit different, but not enough to be a real grown-up person, I guess. My mom tells me that she can't believe that she's an old lady, so I guess it's a different view of the same thing. Time is such a strange animal.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Today
Today T took the day off of work and we spent the day together. We went out for a wonderful breakfast and then did a bunch of errands. Then we sat in the air conditioning and watched a movie. I knitted. Oh! The other day I made baby S the cutest little hat! Here is a picture of it.
Forgive the cashew bin and our messy bed. :) We are going to see E&R and baby S on Sunday. I will give it to them then. Is it weird to give someone a winter hat in August when it's like 95 degrees out?
The meeting with the midwife went pretty well. If we don't get insurance coverage, we will go there. And even if we do get coverage, if it works maybe we'll go there for care and monitoring and stuff. I'm really not terribly fond of my former OB. When she told me the news of T's translocation, she just kind of brushed it off and said IVF with PGD should work and she thought she'd see me again in a couple of months. Ha! That was in April 2006.
Anyway, days keep passing, and every day is closer to the dIUI. I called the RE and the insurance company, but still no word. I still haven't ordered the sperm yet, but I was told by someone at the bank to not order it until I'm just about ready to use it, which will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. The ordering, that is. The using will be somewhere between Thursday and Monday, I think. I guess it's good that the plan is to do it on one of my days off. Though weekends are slightly more complicated, especially at the midwife's. But whatever it is, it is.
Oh, and I have a job interview! On Tuesday! Yay me!
Forgive the cashew bin and our messy bed. :) We are going to see E&R and baby S on Sunday. I will give it to them then. Is it weird to give someone a winter hat in August when it's like 95 degrees out?
The meeting with the midwife went pretty well. If we don't get insurance coverage, we will go there. And even if we do get coverage, if it works maybe we'll go there for care and monitoring and stuff. I'm really not terribly fond of my former OB. When she told me the news of T's translocation, she just kind of brushed it off and said IVF with PGD should work and she thought she'd see me again in a couple of months. Ha! That was in April 2006.
Anyway, days keep passing, and every day is closer to the dIUI. I called the RE and the insurance company, but still no word. I still haven't ordered the sperm yet, but I was told by someone at the bank to not order it until I'm just about ready to use it, which will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. The ordering, that is. The using will be somewhere between Thursday and Monday, I think. I guess it's good that the plan is to do it on one of my days off. Though weekends are slightly more complicated, especially at the midwife's. But whatever it is, it is.
Oh, and I have a job interview! On Tuesday! Yay me!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Decisions, Decisions
Things are definitely moving forward. We decided on a donor (as I've mentioned before). We decided to open 2 years worth of sperm storage. We decided to purchase 4 vials initially. I submitted the storage paperwork today. The paperwork is crazy. I shouldn't purchase the sperm and have it shipped until I know I can use it within 7 days. 3 vials will go into storage and one will be picked up by me for me to bring to my IUI. I usually ovulate on day 14, so the IUI should be on day 13, if that's when I do in fact have my LH surge. Today is day 4. So, I'm not going to order it for another week. It only takes one day to get there.
Every time I think about this dIUI I get butterflies in my stomach.
I'm also concerned about using the OPKs. I got advice to buy the digital ones, but they are so freaking expensive that I didn't buy them. That was, of course, before I mentioned them on here. So now I'm also nervous about not interpreting the OPKs properly. What if I miss it? I cannot miss this cycle. Should I just pee on an OPK now to see what the lines look like? Oy!
So, this is going to happen soon! There go those butterflies again.
Tomorrow we are meeting with the midwife who does dIUIs. Since we are shipping the vials to Cambridge and we can pick them up in person, it doesn't matter if we do the IUI with the RE or with the midwife. We can just pick it up and bring it where we need to bring it. Still no word on insurance.
This is going to happen soon!!
Every time I think about this dIUI I get butterflies in my stomach.
I'm also concerned about using the OPKs. I got advice to buy the digital ones, but they are so freaking expensive that I didn't buy them. That was, of course, before I mentioned them on here. So now I'm also nervous about not interpreting the OPKs properly. What if I miss it? I cannot miss this cycle. Should I just pee on an OPK now to see what the lines look like? Oy!
So, this is going to happen soon! There go those butterflies again.
Tomorrow we are meeting with the midwife who does dIUIs. Since we are shipping the vials to Cambridge and we can pick them up in person, it doesn't matter if we do the IUI with the RE or with the midwife. We can just pick it up and bring it where we need to bring it. Still no word on insurance.
This is going to happen soon!!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
T had a dream
When I woke up this morning, T told me he had a dream that we had a baby. It was a DI baby, and he said he loved it. He said he was holding it and looked at it and he knew that it wasn't related to him biologically, but he loved it.
We must be slowly healing.
I took my bbt this morning (sorta) and we're going to do the dIUI in a couple of weeks. I purchased OPKs, which I have never used, but I am charting as well since that worked for me before. It's so hard to remember to take my temp before rolling over (hence the sorta). I was so good at it for a while, but I have to get back in the swing. It is almost a year since we have tried a natural cycle on our own. Well, except for pregnancy #3 where I apparently didn't chart and we managed to get pg anyway. We snuck that one try in there. Or, if I did chart I have no idea where it went. I have all of my other charts shoved in my night table. I scrutinize them sometimes.
As far as the IUI and the expense goes, I am not having any monitoring. It's just that expensive because that's what the RE's office charges for an IUI. Our sperm is expensive because that's what the bank charges. We are getting prewashed IUI sperm (which is more expensive) and we are using an open donor (which is more expensive) so we are buying the most expensive sperm they offer at our bank. We do have an appointment with a midwife on Thursday who will do the IUI for $300 cheaper than the RE's office. We will go there if we do not get insurance coverage. But, all of our charts and experience and everything are at the RE's office, so if we don't have to pay for the procedure, we figure we'll just stay at the RE's office. It seemed simpler.
We actually tried to go to a different clinic, but when I said that I had done IVF before, they freaked and told me to stick with the RE. Even though I tried to explain that it was my husband's issue, they saw those three letters and didn't want anything to do with us. That's why we thought it was simpler to stay with the RE. It wasn't until later that we got the name of this midwife clinic. So we will go there Thursday and see what happens. I feel like it's kind of last minute to switch, but I guess I can do it if I need to. This is all a part of how nervous I'm feeling.
But we both seem to be in a better place right now, which I really appreciate.
We must be slowly healing.
I took my bbt this morning (sorta) and we're going to do the dIUI in a couple of weeks. I purchased OPKs, which I have never used, but I am charting as well since that worked for me before. It's so hard to remember to take my temp before rolling over (hence the sorta). I was so good at it for a while, but I have to get back in the swing. It is almost a year since we have tried a natural cycle on our own. Well, except for pregnancy #3 where I apparently didn't chart and we managed to get pg anyway. We snuck that one try in there. Or, if I did chart I have no idea where it went. I have all of my other charts shoved in my night table. I scrutinize them sometimes.
As far as the IUI and the expense goes, I am not having any monitoring. It's just that expensive because that's what the RE's office charges for an IUI. Our sperm is expensive because that's what the bank charges. We are getting prewashed IUI sperm (which is more expensive) and we are using an open donor (which is more expensive) so we are buying the most expensive sperm they offer at our bank. We do have an appointment with a midwife on Thursday who will do the IUI for $300 cheaper than the RE's office. We will go there if we do not get insurance coverage. But, all of our charts and experience and everything are at the RE's office, so if we don't have to pay for the procedure, we figure we'll just stay at the RE's office. It seemed simpler.
We actually tried to go to a different clinic, but when I said that I had done IVF before, they freaked and told me to stick with the RE. Even though I tried to explain that it was my husband's issue, they saw those three letters and didn't want anything to do with us. That's why we thought it was simpler to stay with the RE. It wasn't until later that we got the name of this midwife clinic. So we will go there Thursday and see what happens. I feel like it's kind of last minute to switch, but I guess I can do it if I need to. This is all a part of how nervous I'm feeling.
But we both seem to be in a better place right now, which I really appreciate.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Doing Okay
This morning T was acting hyper. When he is hyper he talks in puns and non-sequiturs. Sometimes he does little dances. It's very cute. He kept babbling and babbling, and he didn't know why. Earlier this morning I decided it would be a good idea if we made coffee (decaf cappuccino for me) and watch "John From Cincinnati" on TiVo. We never do this on Saturday mornings, but it was rainy and humid, and we had to clean because my parents are coming over, and I thought it would be a relaxing start to the day. We love coffee and we love the show. So, after the show was over and the coffee was gone, and he got out of the shower, he shouts over to me, "Why am I acting like this?"
My answer? "I think it's because you're happy, sweetie."
"Happy? Huh. I remember happy. Maybe that's what it is! How novel."
So, I guess we had a good morning.
I'm starting to spot, so CD 1 will be here tomorrow. I'm starting to get nervous about the dIUI. I think all the paperwork is in place, but I nervous that something will go wrong. On Monday I will call the bank and make sure everything is set. We're doing this non-medicated with only one vial. One IUI. We're putting all of our eggs, so to speak, in this one basket. I have been pregnant from having se.x only one time (just like they warn you in se.x ed class), so for our first try, we are thinking this is enough. Probably for our second try too, but if it gets to a third try, we're going to do something else. And maybe I'll change my mind and want clomid for the second try, but we shall see what happens.
I just think it's so weird that this unmedicated IUI is so expensive. I mean, I feel like I'm paying hundreds of dollars to have se.x (sort of). With IVF, it felt different because of the medication and the intervention, and there were things going on that I could never have done on my own. But with this procedure, we could basically do it all on our own. (Well, an ICI on our own. Not an IUI exactly, but it doesn't feel that different.) So it just seems a little crazy. But it is what it is, and it's what we're doing. We still haven't heard about insurance. I guess that's another call I have to make on Monday.
So, whenever I think about the IUI, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Already. I am incredibly nervous that it is not going to work right away -- and statistically it doesn't work right away. But I also half expect it to work right away (since it has for me before), so I'm nervous that if it doesn't I will freak out. I know, I'm making myself crazy. But that's what I do best!
So, time is marching forward slowly. Our house is nice and clean (downstairs anyway) and we are taking my dad out for his birthday tonight. BBQ and frozen custard! Woo hoo!
My answer? "I think it's because you're happy, sweetie."
"Happy? Huh. I remember happy. Maybe that's what it is! How novel."
So, I guess we had a good morning.
I'm starting to spot, so CD 1 will be here tomorrow. I'm starting to get nervous about the dIUI. I think all the paperwork is in place, but I nervous that something will go wrong. On Monday I will call the bank and make sure everything is set. We're doing this non-medicated with only one vial. One IUI. We're putting all of our eggs, so to speak, in this one basket. I have been pregnant from having se.x only one time (just like they warn you in se.x ed class), so for our first try, we are thinking this is enough. Probably for our second try too, but if it gets to a third try, we're going to do something else. And maybe I'll change my mind and want clomid for the second try, but we shall see what happens.
I just think it's so weird that this unmedicated IUI is so expensive. I mean, I feel like I'm paying hundreds of dollars to have se.x (sort of). With IVF, it felt different because of the medication and the intervention, and there were things going on that I could never have done on my own. But with this procedure, we could basically do it all on our own. (Well, an ICI on our own. Not an IUI exactly, but it doesn't feel that different.) So it just seems a little crazy. But it is what it is, and it's what we're doing. We still haven't heard about insurance. I guess that's another call I have to make on Monday.
So, whenever I think about the IUI, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Already. I am incredibly nervous that it is not going to work right away -- and statistically it doesn't work right away. But I also half expect it to work right away (since it has for me before), so I'm nervous that if it doesn't I will freak out. I know, I'm making myself crazy. But that's what I do best!
So, time is marching forward slowly. Our house is nice and clean (downstairs anyway) and we are taking my dad out for his birthday tonight. BBQ and frozen custard! Woo hoo!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Week End
First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.
And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.
But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.
That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.
I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?
When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.
I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.
I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.
For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.
And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.
But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.
That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.
I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?
When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.
I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.
I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.
For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Not the best day
I didn't get anything done at work today. I did about an hour's worth of work all day.
I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.
At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.
I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.
I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.
I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.
At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.
I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.
I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.
Monday, July 23, 2007
My first part time week
Today is Monday and I didn't go to work. I woke up around 7ish, went for a walk, came home and took a shower, and then I started working on cleaning the kitchen. I only got as far as the dishes, but that was no small feat. Our kitchen is disgusting. I then made myself a decaf double mocha (we just started using the espresso machine we had in our basement) and the guy from the gas company changed our meter. I asked him some questions about our boiler and he was helpful, but I am worried about it because our house is heated with steam and I cannot tell how much water is in the boiler. There is an indicator glass thingy and I can't tell if it's full to the top or empty to the bottom. We have an automatic feeder system so it's supposed to take care of itself, but I am concerned. I just emptied about 6 gallons of water and I still can't see anything in the level window. We have a 'low water' alarm system thingy, and that's not saying the water is low, but how could I have emptied 6 gallons without seeing a meniscus? I just don't get it.
Anyway, ArtBeat was a hit. The weather couldn't have been better, and we had all sorts of knitters and crocheters swarm at our booth to contribute. I gave a few lessons, and I got a connection to someone in a Park & Rec department who may be hiring to teach knitting to teenagers -- so maybe a new part time job. E came by with baby S, and ultimatejourney and her hubby visited too, as well as a bunch of other friends of mine. There were people at the booth who didn't speak any English, but I saw a look in their eye and just gave them some yarn and knitting needles, and they sat down and knitted up something beautiful! Hurray for the universal language of knitting! I had a great time and the whole thing went wonderfully.
I called the financial coordinator at my RE's office to see our insurance status. We should be hearing by the end of the week. If we get denied, we can still go ahead with the dIUI and pay for it out of pocked while we appeal. If we get coverage in the appeal, they will reimburse us for the procedure. So, we are getting really close. It should be about two and a half weeks. I have a phone call with the nurse practitioner to see if we do one or two inseminations per cycle. I have gotten pregnant on one insemination before (read: by having sex once during my fertile period -- that was pregnancy #2) but I'm totally paranoid about it not working this time.
Anyway, while I was typing this I head the water turn on and our boiler filled itself with water again. So, it must be working. The indicator must be clogged or something. Maybe we'll call the plumber.
Not working full time is going well so far today. It's only noon and I feel like I've accomplished a lot. Plus, I will do a bunch more. I'm going to bleed the boiler again.
Oh, there was an adoption piece on NPR this morning. It was about interracial adoption, and though we aren't planning on adopting just yet, we feel that adoption issues are quite related to insemination issues. At the very end, the mom talked about her children meeting their birth mother and looking at her son walking with his birth mother and how they walked the same way and how that affected her so strongly. This made both of us cry. It is just that kind of thing -- knowing that we will not see some of these small, physical things that T does being present in our children that still make us sad. We know we will love our children fully and completely, but that will always be there, just like it is still there for that mother. Her children are grown now, but you can still hear it in her voice how moved she was. I keep wondering about the future with our children and whether we will meet our donor or not.
Anyway, ArtBeat was a hit. The weather couldn't have been better, and we had all sorts of knitters and crocheters swarm at our booth to contribute. I gave a few lessons, and I got a connection to someone in a Park & Rec department who may be hiring to teach knitting to teenagers -- so maybe a new part time job. E came by with baby S, and ultimatejourney and her hubby visited too, as well as a bunch of other friends of mine. There were people at the booth who didn't speak any English, but I saw a look in their eye and just gave them some yarn and knitting needles, and they sat down and knitted up something beautiful! Hurray for the universal language of knitting! I had a great time and the whole thing went wonderfully.
I called the financial coordinator at my RE's office to see our insurance status. We should be hearing by the end of the week. If we get denied, we can still go ahead with the dIUI and pay for it out of pocked while we appeal. If we get coverage in the appeal, they will reimburse us for the procedure. So, we are getting really close. It should be about two and a half weeks. I have a phone call with the nurse practitioner to see if we do one or two inseminations per cycle. I have gotten pregnant on one insemination before (read: by having sex once during my fertile period -- that was pregnancy #2) but I'm totally paranoid about it not working this time.
Anyway, while I was typing this I head the water turn on and our boiler filled itself with water again. So, it must be working. The indicator must be clogged or something. Maybe we'll call the plumber.
Not working full time is going well so far today. It's only noon and I feel like I've accomplished a lot. Plus, I will do a bunch more. I'm going to bleed the boiler again.
Oh, there was an adoption piece on NPR this morning. It was about interracial adoption, and though we aren't planning on adopting just yet, we feel that adoption issues are quite related to insemination issues. At the very end, the mom talked about her children meeting their birth mother and looking at her son walking with his birth mother and how they walked the same way and how that affected her so strongly. This made both of us cry. It is just that kind of thing -- knowing that we will not see some of these small, physical things that T does being present in our children that still make us sad. We know we will love our children fully and completely, but that will always be there, just like it is still there for that mother. Her children are grown now, but you can still hear it in her voice how moved she was. I keep wondering about the future with our children and whether we will meet our donor or not.
Friday, July 20, 2007
pregnancy and babies everywhere
Tomorrow I am helping to run a booth at a local arts and crafts festival. We have displays of yarns and knitting and crochet techniques. We will be giving free lessons and giving people the opportunity to make a square to become part of a blanket we will donate to charity. I have been trying to tell people about our booth so that many people will come an visit. This leaves me face to face with a reality that we are surrounded by fertile people.
E and her baby will probably stop by. A co-worker of T's and his wife and baby may stop by. T's boss's wife is due on 9/22. Another co-worker of T's recently announced his wife's pregnancy. A couple other of T's co-workers may stop by with their children. With the exception of E, T and I were pregnant before all of these people. Two or three times. They have babies. We have yet to purchase a vial of frozen sperm.
Why is life so cruel?
E and her baby will probably stop by. A co-worker of T's and his wife and baby may stop by. T's boss's wife is due on 9/22. Another co-worker of T's recently announced his wife's pregnancy. A couple other of T's co-workers may stop by with their children. With the exception of E, T and I were pregnant before all of these people. Two or three times. They have babies. We have yet to purchase a vial of frozen sperm.
Why is life so cruel?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Rain
It's raining today, which always makes me sad. I thought I was over being sad, but I guess not. Today, I am sad. I don't feel sad about anything specifically. I just feel a sadness in general.
I called the bank, and I was told our donor has more than 20 vials in storage. So that is good news. That gives us a little more flexibility. Our donor also has no pregnancies on record, but I'm trying really hard not to worry about that. He is clearly a new donor. His audio interview was conducted in February of 2007. And sperm needs to be quarantined for six months before it can be released. I guess the question is how many times can they produce per month? But I'm not worrying about it yet. Or at least, I'm trying not to worry about it.
I still haven't heard about the insurance coverage, but I'm trying to worry less about that too. I mean, we were lucky to have coverage for the IVF, and doing the IUIs will not send us into debt because we will have the opportunity to re-evaluate before we get to that point financially.
So, I know that things are okay. But I guess I just want a break. I mean, we have been through so much in such a relatively short period of time. Two miscarriages, an overwhelming diagnosis, preparation for IVF, another miscarriage, and three failed IVFs with only one transfer and an extremely poor response. Then we had to deal with moving on to donor sperm. I guess I'm feeling like I just want something to go our way. I am so sick of this process. I just want to be pregnant already.
I feel like we are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I'm exhausted, and I feel like time is moving so slowly. Each day seems like it's taking forever to end, and it's taking forever to get to the next day. I still have a week on the pill, and then it will be two more weeks until we do the dIUI. More time. I'll probably freak out if the first one doesn't work because every time we've been pregnant, it's been right after going off the pill. So, I'll freak if the first one doesn't work, and really panic if the second one doesn't work. If that's the case, I'm taking Clo.mid for the third one.
I'm starting to go part time next week, but I decided this three weeks ago and I feel like the last three weeks have gone extraordinarily slowly. I don't even know if going part time is going to help me. I'm trying to find jobs to apply to, and I'm just not interested in any of them. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.
I just want something to be easy.
I called the bank, and I was told our donor has more than 20 vials in storage. So that is good news. That gives us a little more flexibility. Our donor also has no pregnancies on record, but I'm trying really hard not to worry about that. He is clearly a new donor. His audio interview was conducted in February of 2007. And sperm needs to be quarantined for six months before it can be released. I guess the question is how many times can they produce per month? But I'm not worrying about it yet. Or at least, I'm trying not to worry about it.
I still haven't heard about the insurance coverage, but I'm trying to worry less about that too. I mean, we were lucky to have coverage for the IVF, and doing the IUIs will not send us into debt because we will have the opportunity to re-evaluate before we get to that point financially.
So, I know that things are okay. But I guess I just want a break. I mean, we have been through so much in such a relatively short period of time. Two miscarriages, an overwhelming diagnosis, preparation for IVF, another miscarriage, and three failed IVFs with only one transfer and an extremely poor response. Then we had to deal with moving on to donor sperm. I guess I'm feeling like I just want something to go our way. I am so sick of this process. I just want to be pregnant already.
I feel like we are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I'm exhausted, and I feel like time is moving so slowly. Each day seems like it's taking forever to end, and it's taking forever to get to the next day. I still have a week on the pill, and then it will be two more weeks until we do the dIUI. More time. I'll probably freak out if the first one doesn't work because every time we've been pregnant, it's been right after going off the pill. So, I'll freak if the first one doesn't work, and really panic if the second one doesn't work. If that's the case, I'm taking Clo.mid for the third one.
I'm starting to go part time next week, but I decided this three weeks ago and I feel like the last three weeks have gone extraordinarily slowly. I don't even know if going part time is going to help me. I'm trying to find jobs to apply to, and I'm just not interested in any of them. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.
I just want something to be easy.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Paperwork Hell
We're hoping that insurance covers our procedure. It definitely doesn't cover the cost of sperm, which isn't cheap. It's about $500/vial. Of course, the paperwork somehow got messed up. When I called the RE's office to check on when we would hear back about the coverage, they figured out that the insurance company was missing some paperwork and they had to resend it. Our insurance carrier doesn't like you to go 'backwards' from IVF to IUI, but I don't understand how they wouldn't do that with different sperm. I mean, it would be stupid to do IVF with this new sperm right from the get-go. Of course, we have no MF diagnosis, so it's really unclear whether we'll be covered at all. I really hope that we are, but we may not be. It will take 6 dIUIs to match the cost of one IVF out of pocket, so I'm thankful for the coverage we had. But I hope we can get covered. It will be nice to save some money, but I think I also feel so strongly about it because of this whole 'infertile' designation. We live in a mandated state, so with a diagnosis of infertility (for a specific not age-related reason) you are covered for infertility treatment. Because we can conceive and we could possibly have a baby on our own, we are not technically considered infertile (sort of). We did get the IVF coverage, so that was a good start. But now I fear not being covered and being labeled fertile. That will piss me off.
So that brings me to my next topic. I think I have mostly moved on from the sadness and on to the anger. I am pissed. I am pissed that this is happening and about what we have had to endure and that I have to pay money to do something that people just do for free. I know that was true with the IVF too, but somehow this IUI feels different. I think it's because I think I could get pg from home on my own since T and I got pregnant on our own so many times. But T is totally against home insemination, and that is something I am completely willing to compromise on, so we're not doing it. But anyway, I'm just pissed about this whole thing. We got screwed.
So, trying to figure out what pieces of paper I need and don't need is getting confusing. We have to figure out how many vials to buy and how many to ship (don't forget the $175 shipping fee) and whether to store it at the bank or at the IVF place ($600/yr storage charge) so that we have enough to have a second kid with. The bank will store for free for two years once we have a baby, so we don't want to ship it to the IVF place to store for a year because there is no way to ship it back. And it all depends on how many vials are available. It looks like there are vials for our donor, but I don't know how many. Haven't checked yet. Still waiting for insurance info.
Dizzy yet?
So that brings me to my next topic. I think I have mostly moved on from the sadness and on to the anger. I am pissed. I am pissed that this is happening and about what we have had to endure and that I have to pay money to do something that people just do for free. I know that was true with the IVF too, but somehow this IUI feels different. I think it's because I think I could get pg from home on my own since T and I got pregnant on our own so many times. But T is totally against home insemination, and that is something I am completely willing to compromise on, so we're not doing it. But anyway, I'm just pissed about this whole thing. We got screwed.
So, trying to figure out what pieces of paper I need and don't need is getting confusing. We have to figure out how many vials to buy and how many to ship (don't forget the $175 shipping fee) and whether to store it at the bank or at the IVF place ($600/yr storage charge) so that we have enough to have a second kid with. The bank will store for free for two years once we have a baby, so we don't want to ship it to the IVF place to store for a year because there is no way to ship it back. And it all depends on how many vials are available. It looks like there are vials for our donor, but I don't know how many. Haven't checked yet. Still waiting for insurance info.
Dizzy yet?
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Again, Better
Well, I didn't feel well yesterday, so I stayed home from work and mostly searched for a new donor. And I found one. A much, much better one. His coloring is much more like T's. He seems smart in the same way T is. And the best part is, he's an open donor. That means when our children are older, if they want to find a way to contact the donor, they will be able to. This was important to us. While I'm sure we will be perfectly happy if our children express absolutely no interest in our donor, it is natural to have curiosity about the biology behind your existence, and we wanted it to be up to our children to decide how to proceed in contacting or not contacting the donor.
I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.
I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.
Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.
I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.
I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.
Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Trouble
We both have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up at around 3 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep for an hour or two. This happened again last night, and when I got up to pee, T was awake. I freaked out. I confessed that I had reservations about the donor we chose. I just feel like he looks too different from us or something. I'm not exactly sure. So, I was crying in bed for about a half an hour. I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Isn't it T who should be doing the suffering?
T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.
So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.
And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.
I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.
UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"
T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.
So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.
And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.
I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.
UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"
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