emotional rollercoaster

I talked to my boss at work. She thought that the situation was horrible, and we're going to try and work it out that I can become part of the subcontract that is going to be created between the new institution and the current institution I work for. That would mean that I wouldn't have to change employers. That would mean that everything would remain the same, and I think I would be fine. Plus there is childcare services through my current employer. But that's something to worry about another day.

It was amazing how 'nothing' the conversation I had with her was. She was much more interested in what medications I was taking (she's an MD) and was sympathetic with my emotions when I teared up because she knows how crazy Lu*pron makes folks. She even told me that it has been considered for treatment in autism to calm boys down and decrease testosterone and aggression. Interesting.

After doing some research, I've learned that my estrogen level was a little lower than is hoped for. It's not something where I need an exact number -- what we see on the ultrasound tomorrow and noting how my levels are rising is more important -- but I was a little disappointed by my number. Oh, and I remembered it wrong. It was actually 142. So that's somewhat low. I'm trying not to let it get me too down, because it's early. But in the morning we'll see if we can see any follicles yet.

All of this is making me notice how disappointed I'm going to be if this cycle doesn't work. I keep telling myself that it might not work. I keep trying to remind myself that this is not the smoking gun, that it fails all the time, that there might not be any transferrable embryos. But I can't help but be a little too hopeful and know that I will be crushed if this doesn't work. I know there is a good chance that it won't work -- in fact, it's more likely to not work than to work. But I just know I will be devastated if it doesn't. We will try again if this round doesn't work, and second rounds happen much faster than first rounds, so I'm keeping that in mind. We probably will do a third round, too, unless we have zero transferrable embryos both times. If that happens we will probably move on to discussion adoption or donor sperm. But I can feel myself investing in this process and really hoping for success.

I hope there are a bunch of follicles tomorrow.

first blood test

My estrogen level was 147 today. I have no idea what that means, but I am to stay on my 5 units of Lu*pron and 200 units of Folli*stim. I am to go in again Friday morning and have more blood taken and an ultrasound for (hopefully) a follicle count. It's dildo-cam time for me, I guess.

I think I am starting to feel my ovaries. I feel like this seems soon, but I feel like I can tell something is going on down there. I'm not in pain or even in discomfort. I'm just -- aware. But maybe I'm making all of this up in my head. I have been known to do stranger things.

Things aren't looking good on the FMLA front. I am finding more stories of people where the same thing happened -- and people who lost 5 years or more of seniority due to circumstances similar to mine. So, if I get pg that will be my prize, and if it takes a few more months and I earn enough seniority, then that will be the prize I get for dealing with failure. I just have to deal. But I just can't help but feel like I'm being screwed. And I'm going to tell my boss what this change is costing me.

It's 70 degrees today, so I have to go take a walk. It's not going to stay like this here.

stims

Did my first stim injection last night. It went smoothly, though it bled more than the Lu*pron has, maybe because of the pause before removing the needle? Not sure. It's amazing how immune I am to needles these days. I mean, I was never nervous around needles before, but when I first started I was like, "Two shots in one night!" but it just is really nothing.

I feel really tired, which may have to do with the time change, but maybe the meds too. I have heard other women say that these meds make them tired.

I'm still feeling emotional, though it's difficult to separate stuff in my life from stuff from hormones.

I am paid off of a grant, and the grant is going to be transferred from one institution to another. The new institution is going to consider me a new employee. The three months of seniority I have earned is going to go down the tubes. Since FMLA is not given to employees until they've been employed for a year, if this cycle works, I will not qualify for FMLA anymore. In order to get disability, you have to invoke FMLA, so if we get pregnant, I will not be able to have a (partially) paid maternity leave.

This sucks. I'm lucky in that we could survive this with just T's salary for a while -- probably a long while if we made some simple lifestyle changes -- but it's just frustrating that this is happening outside of what seems reasonable. If I had stayed pregnant with pg #3, I would have missed out, but that would have been my own doing. I got a job and got pregnant immediately. I would have lived with that timing. But this timing is being forced on me and it feels terribly unfair. I need to check the local laws to see if this is actually legal. Any ideas, anyone?

My blood test is still scheduled for Wednesday morning. There's not much else to report.

schedule

I am to decrease my Lu*pron to 5 units starting tonight. No baseline ultrasound for me -- don't know why. Didn't ask. I'm not going to ask for a vaginal ultrasound if they don't think I need one. On Sunday I start stims -- 200 units of Folli*stim. I do that for 3 days and I go in for bloodwork on Wednesday morning. This is when I get my further instructions.

It's funny how time goes by both so quickly and so slowly while this is going on.

she arrives

Late this afternoon, my period arrived. I had hoped it would be on the early side as it doesn't usually take long after I start the pill, but you never know. Happily, I was right! It was too late to call my PGD coordinator, so I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday.

So looks like I'll be starting stims soon. Don't know if I'll need a baseline ultrasound first or anything. We shall see.

comfort food

I think I'm eating to make myself feel better. I have been eating like shit lately. I mean, it's all been extremely yummy, but extremely bad for me. I'm eating home made shortbread. Oh yeah, I've been baking too. Last night I made a curry with coconut milk. Coconut milk! And I had the leftovers for lunch! (Well, at least it was light coconut milk?) This weekend I made my Nana's special butter cookies. Happily, most of those made it to the freezer to give to my family, but I still had some.

I did elliptical yesterday, but I still think I'm going to bet getting even fatter with all this comforting. I mean, I've gained 15 lbs in the past year with all this being pregnant and then not pregnant and then not losing the weight and then eating more to comfort myself. But I can't stop myself. I'm an eating machine. I feel like I need these foods. I almost feel like I melt on the inside when I take a bite. There's something about these delicious foods that relax me. I'm trying to not eat too much, but I think I am. And I'm not really motivated to stop. I don't want to stop. I want to eat. I don't want to exercise more. I'm still eating fruits and vegetables.

My pants keep getting tighter. What do I do? (I know -- stop eating!)

Hormones

I think the hormones are starting to affect me. My mood swings feel like they're a little bit nuts. I get manic and lovey-dovey and cranky and hyper in a matter of minutes. I had a really stressful week at work, so I'm sure that's contributing factor, but when I got to work yesterday I couldn't focus and felt like I was about to freak out. It's so hard to know.

Tonight I take my last bcp. That means I'll be starting stims within a week.

Last night we went out for super yummy sushi (we hope for the last time in a long time) and knew we'd be out late, so I put my syringe, alcohol wipe and vial of Lu*pron with an ice pack in a little sack and stuck it in my purse. I surreptitiously stuck myself when I had to pee. It was a little bit awkward, but luckily the top of the toilet paper dispenser was flat and I could pile stuff on there so that I could handle all of the stuff. I'm glad I brought it because we didn't get home until about 11:30 and that is way too late for me (my target time is between 9 and 10). I think we're going out again tonight, but this time to someone's house for a party, and I'll have to decide if I need to bring my meds along again. This will be a little bit more difficult, I think. It's easy to bring your purse to the bathroom in a restaurant, but it's more weird at a person's house, I think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

We'll see how the hormones treat me this weekend. I'm going to make some cookies.

Not much

Things are going fine. The shots are fine. I'm not bruising (thank you, belly fat!) and I'm not feeling any effects. It's fine.

Both T and I are having stressful times at work, but we're coping. I'm exercising a little (but not too hard) and that's helping me with my stress. I'm freaking out about the exercising and I keep looking for articles about IVF and exercise. As far as I can tell, it's just important to not do hard core exercise, and not to exercise more than 4 hours per week. We have an elliptical, and I'm using it lightly for less than half an hour every other day. That should be okay, right? It certainly helps my mood, and I would hate to lose it. I keep meaning to ask someone at the RE's office, but I haven't.

Also, who has those progesterone suppositories. I just saw something from the pharmacy where I got the drugs and it said to take of the plastic wrapping. Well, it looks like a gelcap, and to take off the wrapping would be to extrude goo from the gelcap. What are they talking about? Again, I have plenty of time before I use them and I will ask before I do, but I just don't get it.

I wish I had something more exciting to say, but I don't. My purse is coming along well.

I did it!

I just did 10 units of Lu*pron. T sat next to me and the Oscars were on as a distraction. It didn't hurt at all. Thank you so much to those who left me words of wisdom about the injections. They helped me so much. And it's a good thing I have lots of belly fat because that makes it hurt less. :) I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, right?

So, now the spot is red and a little itchy. Is that normal?

So I've officially started now. It's really just hard to believe. Somehow, I never thought this would happen.

I took myself to the craft store and bought a whole bunch of yarn. I'm going to make myself this adorable purse, though in different colors. I also bought yarn for a sweater, but I may have to make the pattern up in my head. But, I want it to sort of look like this.

Talked to my mom today, and I mentioned I was starting my injections. She totally doesn't understand this process at all. She asked me, "So how often do you have to do that? Once a month?" I set her straight. She was surprised at how labor intensive this whole process is. And I told her that I have an easy protocol. It's funny how entrenched I am in this whole thing now. It's bizarre to me when people don't get it.

Big Day

Arriving home from work today I found several interesting things in the mail.

1) My meds arrived. I wasn't expecting them until tomorrow, but that's okay. I've seen pictures of other people's meds, and mine don't look like much. Of course, I have progesterone suppositories and not the PIO injections, so maybe that's why. I'm also only doing Lu*pron and Folli*stim injections, so that's not much either. The Lu*pron says it's a 14 day supply, and I think i have to inject that for longer than 14 days, but I'm only doing 10 units and then when I start stims decreasing to 5 units, so I think it should be enough. It came with its own syringes, and I also got a supply of more. Not sure why that happened either. I better figure it out, though.

2) Our approval came. We had some problems with insurance and we had to switch insurance and it took so long for everything to fall into place that our approval expired, but I got a letter in the mail saying we have approval for 3 cycles through August. So that's set.

3) Our reimbursement came. We have to pay for the PGD up front, so we got a nice, fat check for that payment today. That's just such a great thing.

So now I have to wait until Sunday for my first injection.

Scared

I just watched an injection video, and I'm starting to get scared. I know hundreds of women do this daily (not to mention diabetics and the like) and I'm sure once I do it once or twice, I'll be much less scared, but for now I'm scared. It's kind of funny because I'm not afraid of needles in any way. They don't bother me. I am used to being poked with needles, and I used to work in a dialysis unit where there were needles everywhere, all the time. But I jut prefer if it's someone else poking me. T cannot do it. He's a bit afraid. So, I have to do it for myself, and I'm a little scared.

Can you give me hints about injection sites? My instructor told me to only do it in the belly area, but the video says to shift around. What did/do you do? How about when you have more than one injection per day? Advice, ladies?

Spilled the beans

One of the women I work with is a counselor. I had mentioned we were planning to have dinner with my friend S this weekend, and she asked me if S was married. I said yes, and this launched into a discussion of friends who were married and how early or late people got married. This made me think of Margo because we had a similar discussion. Where she is from, people tend to get married and have kids early.

This lead to a discussion about T's bt. She mentioned her sister-in-law had a miscarriage while on vacation. Then, of course, I had to mention my most recent miscarriage in Mexico. I said, 'I had my most recent miscarriage while on vacation,' and she said, 'Most recent?' So I sort of spilled the beans about everything. I told her I had three. She was amazed. I told her about IVF with PGD. I told her I was going to do it (but didn't say exactly when). She said she's a counselor and used to keeping things confidential.

I just can't not talk about this. I just can't keep things inside. If asked, I'm going to spill the beans. I try like hell to shut myself off, but I can't. I need to tell people things. I think it will be okay, and I was sort of planning on bringing it up with my boss at some point, but the cat's out of the bag now.

I hope I don't worry about this. I don't think I will. But I'm spilling my story, slowly, at work.

Schedule

Well, I have a schedule.

I started the pill on 2/11.
I receive my meds in the mail on 2/22.
I start Lu*pron injections on 2/25.
I stop the pill on 3/3.
I should get my period about 3/8 - 3/10.
I reduce the Lu*pron and start the Folli*stim around 3/11.
I have a blood test around 3/14.
I start my ultrasounds around 3/16.
Estimated egg retrieval 3/23.
Estimated embryo transfer (if there are any) 3/28.

So I guess this is real.

Surprise

Without expectation, af arrived today. I was quite taken aback. I expected to have to wait another week. I talked it out with T, and we did determine that today was 28 days from the first spotting from the miscarriage. So, despite my continuing high hCg levels, I must have ovulated when I think I did, and I had a nice, short cycle this time around. Weird. You never know.

So, I'm off to the pharmacy to get bcps and I am starting today. That means that in approximately three weeks, I'm going to start injections.

It's been so long since my injection lesson, it makes me a little nervous. But I feel like I remember enough, and I also know there's a tutorial online from the RE's office. The only thing I remember about the medication, though, is that I'm starting with Lu*pron.

I guess I have to call my PGD coordinator tomorrow.

Same old same old

Things are not very exciting here. Some co-workers of T's got engaged and we went to their 'engagement brunch' this morning. It was nice. Mellow. It's so funny to see how I know that we're old. We talked about alarm systems (T and I just had one installed) and bank accounts. It's crazy how old we are!

A different co-worker of T's who lives around the corner was broken into. Computer stuff and a passport were stolen. The cops told them there has been a rash of robberies in our neighborhood. Several a day. And T and I have seen broken car glass on the ground a lot lately. So, we decided it would be smart to have one installed. So we did. I'm glad. It wasn't too expensive, and it's good piece of mind. That's what I did on my day off Friday.

I worked all last weekend, so I took Friday off. I do autism research and I was being trained on how to diagnose autism (mostly for research purposes). It was interesting and enjoyable. I used to be a teacher, and it was nice to work with actual kids again. It had been a while.

I'm feeling a little sad. Monday morning we have an appointment with our therapist. I think that I'm going to go alone this week. Things have been a little slow during our sessions lately.

I started watching a move with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd where he's gay and she's pregnant and she tries to get him to raise the baby with her. I didn't really think about it much. Then they hear the baby's heartbeat. I started crying and shut off the movie. How stupid am I? I think that I'm fine. I don't freak out when I see pregnant women the way I used to. But still, I can only take so much. I don't know why I can't remember to protect myself sometimes.

Haven't been talking to E too much lately. We've both been very busy, but it feels like there's something else too. I try to email her so I don't feel like we've lost touch. But I still feel like there's a cavern between us. Baby S is 7 months old already. He's sitting up now.

I'm just glad tomorrow is Sunday.

back to zero

I had another blood test and my hCg was back down to 0. I expected it, as I'm pretty sure I already ovulated, but it's nice to be sure. So, as soon as af comes I can start the pill. I can even switch to the pill I used to be on in order to prevent pregnancy, as if I can remember such a time. So things are moving forward.

I've been working on trying to get reimbursed for the PGD. I was on the phone with the insurance woman for almost an hour. Our insurance changed because my job changed, and I had to get everything straightened out. Some things are on the old insurance, some things are on the new insurance, and some things needed to be transferred. I had to get some things faxed to me and fax some of those things to other people, but I think I finally have it straightened out.

Our approval for 3 IVF cycles lasted 6 months. It runs out on 3/7/2007. By then we will have just started our first cycle. This is taking forever.

Strange stuff

This is a gross post, so if you don't want to read about the disgusting things that go along with fertility signs and miscarriage, don't read this post. You have been warned.

So, my heaviest miscarriage day was on Jan 15. That was two weeks ago. My hCg, as you know, is still elevated. I haven't been bleeding this whole time, but there have been clots and spotting and other things that I don't know what they are since then. But today I think I started getting pre-fertile cervical mucus, but mixed in were these clots or "products of conception" or whatever they are. If my hCg is still around 40, how can my body be getting ready to ovulate? I have no idea what is going on. I think I might start taking my temperature. I am getting frustrated with this. I do not want to get pregnant again, so I am just keeping away from T. But I want to know what is happening.

Maybe I am getting ready to ovulate and this will be close to a 28 day cycle and I can start the pill sooner. That would be a good thing. But I wish I knew what was going on.

Next steps

T and I had a wonderful conversation with the genetic counselor from out PGD company. We expected it to be terrible, but it was the most intelligent and frank conversation we've had with any professional about having a balanced translocation. It's what the conversation with the genetic counselor at the hospital should have been.

She explained how the probe works. We learned that we will not be able to distinguish between balanced embryos and normal embryos. She told us that we should still have CVS or Amnio if I get pregnant just in case. She told us to expect 0, 1 or 2 transferable embryos per IVF cycle.

She said that the number of transferable embryos per cycle tends to remain the same, as the percentage of affected sperm tends to split up the same way over and over again. So, if we have 1 transferable embryo on one cycle, most likely on the next cycle we would also have one. If we have 0 embryos, we should try one more IVF cycle just in case, but if we have two cycles with no embryos, it will be time to move on to other options.

I expected this report, but it sort of threw T for a bit of a loop. PGD is not the be-all end-all for us, but we can have some hope that it might work.

I have a phone consultation with my RE on Tuesday morning to make sure I can start the pill when I have my next period. There is a small chance he'll want me to wait one additional cycle, but I'm going to really push to not do this.

I also had my hCg taken on Thursday and it was still high -- 43. So, I have to have it taken again next week. Some really gross things have happened since then to make me think that it will continue to go down in a speedy fashion.

Nothing is easy.

It hurts

I'm feeling sad. Perhaps it's these hormones lingering in my body. I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so much that it hurts. And I don't mean this fake pregnant that I am now, or the fake pregnant I was this time even before I miscarried. I want to be pregnant where I can talk about it with T and get excited. I want to be able to start making a list of possible baby names and tell T he has no sense of adventure. I want to not cringe every time my friend E talks about what's going on with her baby. I want to not cry when I hear that other people I know are pregnant. I want to be able to tell other people that I am pregnant. I want to throw up. I want to feel tired and have trouble sleeping. I want to think about what I'm eating and to stop drinking. I just want this ordeal to be over. There's too much going on with our lives right now. I want it all to stop and to just be able to enjoy my daily life and not get stressed out and saddened by the world around me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like things are just starting to turn around and look good for us and then some other thing to bring us down comes up.

Compared to most people, T and I live a comfortable life. We are lucky. We can afford our nice house. We have good health insurance. We have good jobs. If something annoying goes wrong (like my car dying) we can afford to fix it without jeopardizing our ability to make our mortgage payment. Things are good. Or they should be. But with these miscarriages and our inability to stay pregnant, every small thing that goes wrong seems like it's adding to this huge pile of shit that I need to endure.

I try to remind myself that our lives are good. Except for this one thing. This one huge, monster thing. But aside from that we have a good life. But sometimes I just feel such little comfort from this fact. I'm not comforted. I'm sad. I'm so sad and it hurts.

hCg levels still high

I had my blood taken on Friday and my hCg was still up at 86. This sucks. This means that it's going to be more than 3 weeks until I get my period so it's going to be more than 6 weeks before we can start injections. We might be waiting until practically April to start this. This whole process is so frustrating! Going simply by numbers, I'm still technically pregnant. I know it can take a few weeks for the hormones to go away, but I didn't have much of a problem with that when I had my last two miscarriages. When I started bleeding, my numbers went way down. But of course it's not happening this time. Sigh.

I have to have more blood taken at the end of the week. Hurray.

I can't believe I've been pregnant the same number of times that my mother has. She has 3 children.