a lot

We did a deep, deep clean of our house. It's kind of disconcerting, but it's definitely wonderful.

I start my new job tomorrow. Eeep!

I wrote this long, long explanation of my journey for Mel, and because I spent so much time on it I feel compelled to put it up here. So here it is. I didn't proofread this, so forgive my errors.

And remember, it's long.


We have been down multiple paths in our quest to be parents. I
believe that each step we have taken has been a logical progression,
but each step was agonizing.

We started out charting and having timed intercourse. I got pregnant.
I lost the pregnancies. After losing two pregnancies we were tested
to look for a reason and my husband was diagnosed with a balanced
translocation. The OB that called me with these results told me not
to worry about it too much. There was this really great procedure
called PGD that they could perform along with IVF and she was sure I
would be back seeing her in the summer (the diagnosis was in April)
with my happy and healthy pregnancy. That was two years ago. While I
am sure that news of my husband's translocation was a difficult one to
give, I am extremely resentful of this woman to give me such a happy
prognosis and to give me hope that things would go smoothly for us.
It did not prepare me in any way for the agony that was ahead of us.

I didn't want to do IVF. I hated the idea. Looking back now, that
seems extraordinarily silly, but that's where I was at the time. I
just wanted to make our baby the old fashioned way. We are lucky
enough to live in a mandated state, so while we were applying for
insurance coverage we tried the old fashioned way one more time and
needless to say we got pregnant and had a third miscarriage. I knew
that I would have to move on after our third loss. I was angry and I
was resistant, but I was also impatient and I wanted to do what would
give us the best chance. My husband was loathe to see me go through
another miscarriage. He hated the emotional trauma it caused me. It
hurt him to see me hurt. So IVF with PGD it was.

We did IVF with PGD three times. Even though I was able to get
pregnant pretty easily, I was an extremely poor responder to
medication. Our first IVF only produced 2 eggs. Without a
chromosomal disorder, you can hope for a miracle with 2 eggs that one
or both might fertilize and one or both might be strong and become a
baby. But when a balanced translocation is involved, only
approximately one in 8 fertilized eggs will be healthy after PGD, so
we knew it was hopeless. We went ahead with the PGD anyway and had no
embryo transfer. There was no explanation as to why I responded so
poorly. My FSH wasn't extraordinarily high. No one knew.

I clearly needed a new protocol to get more eggs. I was immediately
put on a poor responder protocol. This went smoothly without
questioning. There are poor responder protocols that work better for
some women. Everybody responds to the medications differently. We
did an antagonist protocol. This time we got 4 eggs. All fertilized,
3 made it to biopsy and none were healthy. We again had no embryo
transfer.

While 4 eggs was better, it clearly wasn't enough. I was ready to not
do IVF anymore. I knew it was futile -- I do not produce enough eggs.
The procedures are incredibly invasive and I didn't think there was a
snowball's chance in hell that this would work for us. My husband was
not ready to give up, though. He felt like it was his only chance at
having a biological child. How could I not give this chance to him?
I was very skeptical, but I had to do this last cycle for my husband.

We decided to go with a different poor responder protocol. This also
went smoothly without questioning. We simply needed more eggs if this
was to work for us. We would try anything at this point. Microdose
Lupron it was. We got 5 eggs. 3 fertilized and made it to biopsy.
One of the biopsied cells had no nucleus so its result was
inconclusive. We got a call in the car as we were driving to the
transfer. We fully expected for this transfer to be cancelled, but
there it was. An undiagnosed embryo. Should we transfer it? My
husband and I talked it over during the 10 minutes left of our drive
to the clinic. This was agony. What do we do? Risk another
miscarriage? But how could we not transfer it? What if that was our
embryo? We discussed things with the doctor once we got there. He
said it was up to us, but he saw no reason not to take the risk. What
if? So after agonizing over the decision and marveling over our bad
luck, we transferred. I didn't get pregnant.

We were out of insurance. We felt IVF was futile. I seemed to get
pregnant easily enough, but my husband's sperm was the X factor. So,
we decided to try donor sperm. We agonized over finding a donor.
Nobody was good enough because nobody was my husband. We knew we had
to choose whether personality or looks were more important. We
decided on personality. My husband wanted a computer geek donor
because my husband is a computer geek. We found a few. We read. We
discussed. We disagreed. We slept on it. We only found a couple of
appropriate donors. We whittled it down to a few. We chose. We
slept on it again. I woke up crying -- this was not the right donor
for us. I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't want to use him. My
husband said it was okay, that we didn't need to choose that donor.
We didn't know how we could find a new one because it had been nearly
impossible to find the one I decided I didn't like.

We started our search again. We expanded our criteria a little. We
found someone else. He fit. He was on the skinny side, but otherwise
he fit. We decided. I didn't cry. We slept on it. We ordered 4
vials.

We did 4 IUIs. The first one was natural. The second through fourth
we used Clomid and a trigger shot. We didn't want to risk the timing.
Donor sperm is expensive. Luckily insurance paid for the IUIs. I
didn't get pregnant.

I wasn't getting pregnant now. We thought it might be the donor. We
decided to switch donors on both our decision and our RE's advice. We
thought it would be smart. This wasn't a hard decision. Finding a
new donor was much easier this time around. I guess we were used to
the idea that the donor wasn't my husband and we were more open to
certain differences. We still needed to find a geeky guy who was good
at math. It would be nice to find someone who was a big guy like my
husband is. But we were okay with other differences. So we chose and
it was easier. We bought 4 vials again.

Our 5th IUI with Clomid and a trigger shot worked. I had taken an hpt
and it was negative on day 13, so I was sure it would be a negative.
My beta was 13. I was shocked. Second beta was 88. It more than
doubled. Third beta was 168. Not looking good. Fourth beta was 144.
It was time for my fourth miscarriage.

Now that the translocation factor had been removed, we were afraid
that there might be a female factor reason for this miscarriage. We
knew it just could be because miscarriages happen and it could be bad
luck. I'm 35. Miscarriages happen in women 35 and over pretty
frequently. But I demanded more testing and my RE agreed. We need to
make sure there's nothing going on on my end. I had the testing done
and I will get the results this week.

We are tired. We feel like we have tried everything without success.
We want to be parents. We want this whole thing to be over. I am
tired of cycling. I am just tired. We needed to start thinking about
adoption. Since my husband let go of his genetic connection a year
ago, this was not difficult for him. It was slightly more difficult
for me. I feel a little bit like it's less the genetic connection and
more about never being pregnant long enough to have a child. And I'm
afraid of not being able to choose the biology. At least with donor
gametes you get to choose the biology on some level. But I don't want
to cycle. I want a sure thing, and that's what adoption is.

We went to seminars. We are adjusting to the idea. We think we will
utilize adoption to grow our family. It is a difficult decision, but
it is one we feel is inevitable. We are still adjusting to this idea.
We are still working through this decision. But we know we will move
forward with it.

We own three more vials of donor sperm. They cost us about $1500. If
my testing comes back normal, we will use them. We may use
injectables again for a couple of cycles if our RE thinks it's
appropriate. Since I got pregnant with the Clomid last time around,
I'm not sure right now. We will consider doing IVF one more time with
donor sperm. We are unsure whether we want to do this or not. We are
still deciding. Yes, we are tired, but we need to make sure we have
done everything we can. We do not want to leave any 'what if's'
behind. We need to do everything we can.

We are still in an unstable place with these final decisions, but we
know we have no choice. Even though the choices are limitless, it
feels like the next step is prescribed. But we are close to getting
off this train and to enter an entirely new one.

The worst part of leaving ART behind and entering the adoption
rollercoaster is that you don't really get new relief. It can still
be years before you get a baby. You just leave one form of torture to
endure another.

But what can we do? We want to be parents.

information

We had our follow up meeting at our RE's office. We met with the nurse practitioner. It was okay.

First, a few of the bad things. There was no new protocol in the chart -- which we expected. She didn't look over our chart closely enough to realize they only got two eggs -- she assumed that only two embryos survived. Their attention to detail is kind of lacking. We had to set her straight on that. Lastly, she has no idea why they were only able to get 2 eggs from the 7 follicles. She said 6 our of the 7 should have produced an egg. She didn't know if it was due to ovulation, which would mean I would need more Lu*pron, or if it was because the eggs were simply too difficult to remove. Again, there was no notation in the chart. This means the doctor has to "remember" what happened. He has a lot of patients, and I don't have a lot of faith in this method. I just feel like getting things right is not a priority at this place.

The slightly better things are that she thinks we should be really aggressive this new cycle. She said that I need to be treated like an egg donor -- that the maximum number of eggs is what is important. I thought that was a great analogy. It's a numbers game, and the only way to get a healthy embryo is to have lots and lots of eggs. She is going to try to contact our RE and get a new protocol. If she can't reach him, she's going to contact the doctor in charge of the donor egg program to get me a protocol. This isn't too bad. It's the kind of effort we were looking for.

She also said that the lack of parity in my follicles might have been the problem. I need to find some way to get the follicles to grow at the same rate. She said they may have me stay on the pill a bit longer to try and get that to happen. I wonder if I should have a pre-Lu*pron scan to see if there are any follicles before I even start. I forgot to mention that to her. I could call. But of course, that might just cancel my cycle. But I also don't want to waste one again.

We went to an infertility support group last night. We have never gone to one before and didn't know what to expect. I went thinking there wouldn't be many men, but there were two couples and one woman there. The woman had come last month and there were only women there, so she didn't bring her husband. I think she would have liked for him to have been there. I think it's really great that there were men there. T hasn't had any interaction with men dealing with infertility yet, so I think it was a real positive. We talked about donor insemination/eggs, adoption, and just generally living with infertility. I'm glad we went. I will go again.

The other thing we talked about was acupuncture. I need to do it. It may help the follicles grow more evenly, even. So I need to look to find a place close by. The places the other women had been are a bit far away from me. But I live in (or near) a progressive area, and there has to be someplace near by. I'm going to look into it this week. I should start asap if our cycle is starting soon.

I'm feeling a little bit better now that I have all this information. I don't feel great, but talking about all this stuff out loud for 2 hours last night did help a bunch. I didn't even feel like crying much while there. It was so nice to be surrounded by people who are going through similar things. The online community is great too, but there is just something about sitting in a room of real people and talking to them face to face.

she's here

Well, af has arrived.

I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments. I appreciate it.

We are doing okay. I won't say good, but we are living our daily lives. We are both sad, especially T, but I have mostly been pissed. I'm pissed because I feel like this cycle was a waste. We have three precious tries to have a biological child, and one of them was wasted. My estrogen level at my first blood test was somewhat low. I knew the whole time that it wasn't going to be a successful cycle. Why didn't they up my meds? I know OHSS is a real risk, and they gave me the dose they did to avoid it, but it clearly wasn't happening for me. What would have been the hurt in upping my dose just a little? I was being monitored every 48 hours. My RE always talks about the next time, about how we have plenty of time, etc. To him this was a "learning" cycle, I think. But to us, it's one less try. He thinks we'll do more tries after these three. Well, I know of 2 people with balanced translocations in my state who were not awarded coverage by their insurance recently (even though coverage is mandated in my state) and we will not apply for more tries -- at least not right away. We will pursue another route first. So one of our precious tries is gone, and I'm kind of angry about it.

So we're supposed to have a follow up appointment with the RE post-failure. Of course he's away until April 18, so we have an appointment with the nurse practitioner. I will demand a follow up phone conversation with the RE himself. Since I started spotting today, I called my PGD coordinator, as I am supposed to. There is exactly ZERO information about my next cycle in my chart! Hurray! She doesn't even really know if I'm supposed to even start the pill for my next cycle. The RE said I should start at my next period after the egg retrieval (since we knew it would fail even then), so I feel confident it is part of my protocol. But since the good doctor (ha) is away, we may be delayed a week or so until I have an actual protocol in my chart. Since we know my protocol will be different, we have no choice but to wait for Dr. Genius's guidance.

Yes, you do note a hint of sarcasm. It's just annoying that our own instincts about our bodies do not trump the "facts" of medicine. Modern medicine is great, but it does have its limitations. My mother asked if we should go see a different doctor -- but that would entail getting a new PGD probe made and getting a new referral -- there is no way this is happening. My only question is if both of these cycles fail (note I did say if) then do we go to him for the donor iuis or do we go somewhere else. But we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

So we're surviving. My job has been crappy lately, and that isn't helping much. T's work has been insanely busy, so that's not too great either. We both need a nice vacation -- our last one was related to his work and I miscarried while we were away -- so it wasn't the most relaxing vacation ever. But it's just not happening at this time.

So thanks for your supportive comments. I'm still not feeling super positive (I'm sure you got that idea) but I'm going to work and things are moving forward. AF is here --early, I know, but my PGD coordinator says that can happen when you suddenly stop all meds. I will start the pill tomorrow.

canceled

Both embryos were unbalanced. My transfer was canceled.

I kept waiting and waiting for a phone call this morning. I knew I would have to leave my office around 10:30 to get there for the 11:15 appointment. At 10:15 time started going so slowly. I had butterflies in my stomach. Then I simply started getting nauseous. It was 10:30. I called T and said I hadn't heard anything. We discussed that I should call to check. I called and was transferred twice, but the results hadn't come in yet. That made sense. Otherwise they would have called to cancel already -- but it still allowed me a tiny bit of hope. I got into the car and started driving. As soon as I left the parking lot, my cell rang. It was some doctor. Both embryos were unbalanced. My transfer was canceled.

I called T. We met in a parking lot for a few minutes. We talked. We talked about how we really think that this won't work for us, but that we will try again. We will try again, and if it doesn't work we will do something else.

T is extremely sad. I am sad too, but I think just slightly less so than he. The only thing we can do is try again.

embryos still alive

As far as I know, both embryos are still alive. The embryo biopsy, as far as I know, was successful and the chromosomes from each embryo are on slides and on their way to New Jersey. My supposed transfer is scheduled for Monday at 11:15. If both embryos are unbalanced, I should be contacted on Monday morning so that I won't have to go to the clinic if there is no transfer.

I am quite doubtful that one of them will be healthy, but I know it's possible, and I suppose I have the tiniest bit of hope: a tiny little glimmer of hope that is pushed way down to the bottom of my chest. But I think that it's there.

Back in reality, I'm thinking much more about my next cycle, when it will start, and what kind of protocol I will be on next time so that we have more than two dismal eggs the next time. The more eggs, the greater our chances, so I want to have lots.

It's weird how I felt this cycle was a bust right from the beginning. Well, not right at the beginning, but from the first ultrasound. I just didn't have a good feeling about this cycle right then.

Meanwhile, the progesterone suppositories are going okay, if a little gooey. I still think it's better than those shots in the ass, though. But the progesterone is making my b00bs KILL! Does this stuff make your body think you're pregnant? Is that the point? Because the only times my b00bs have hurt this much was when I was pregnant.

I made a delicious chicken for dinner with asparagus and fresh bread. There is something about roasted chicken that I just love. If you cook it right it is so juicy and delicious. It must be some type of comfort food for me or something. I ate tons of it and now I'm stuffed. Super yummy.

Tomorrow I'm going to a knitting group, which I hope will be fun. I have to decide which project to bring. I'm making a second sock, a felted "paper" bag and a baby blanket. I stopped the baby blanked a while ago because it made me too sad to knit it. I love this yarn, and it sort of matches the back bedroom we have upstairs that would become a nursery, so I always wanted the blanket to be for us, but after a while I couldn't bear to make it any more. I feel slightly better about it now, but I also bought yarn to make a cardigan sweater for myself, and I need the needle that the blanket is on to start the sweater. So I want to finish the blanket. I'm pretty close. So I think I will bring the sock and the blanket, but not the bag because it's too easy and boring. I can finish that on my own time.

fertilization

In somewhat good news, both eggs fertilized over night. We're not terribly surprised with this news, but it is good news for what it's worth, and we will take it. If it doesn't bode well for this cycle, it bodes well for future cycles.

I will be called on Saturday for more info and to be told when to arrive Monday for the transfer. PGD results do not come in until Monday morning, so I think we won't know whether the transfer will actually happen until we're physically at the clinic. There is a chance that we will get there for transfer and will be told, "Sorry, they are both unbalanced." I think they will try to call with results before we actually drive there, but sometimes the timing just doesn't work out.

I have started the progesterone suppositories. So far, not too bad. It's way better than sticking a needle in my butt in my opinion. It hasn't been too messy yet, but I've only done one. It feels kind of moot to do this, but I guess with two embryos, you never know.

retrieval

Well, they only got two eggs. The doctor says they'll still do the PGD, though. So most likely I won't be having an embryo transfer on Monday. We're clearly disappointed.

On the upside, we don't have to wait to start our second cycle. With no transfer, I should be getting my period in about 2 weeks from now, and I should start the pill right away. They will be much more aggressive with my medications the next time.

I'm going to take it easy for now.

count number three

I'm still at 7. Two of my follicles are over 20 mm, but one or two is still around 15. They want to get those little ones bigger so we have enough eggs. I was told by the ultrasound tech that if I were on a different protocol (i.e. not having PGD) I would have triggered already. This just boosts my feeling that this cycle has been a bust. I am not responding as well as they had hoped, and we're just clinging to some lofty follicle number goals. I know that it isn't impossible for this cycle to work. It could. However, I will be shocked if we have even one embryo to transfer this cycle. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be shocked with that information. However, I am not holding out much hope that this cycle will work out.

I still have yet to be called for instruction, but I can't imagine that I won't be triggered. Two of my follicles are getting too big and won't have usable eggs soon. This is a balancing act, and I think it's starting to tip. I wonder if the RE is caught up in surgery or something and that is why I haven't heard back. I heard pretty early the past two ultrasound days. I mean, I'm assuming they consult with the doctor before they call me.

After this cycle is over, even if there is a healthy embryo, I want to talk to the doctor about this whole cycle, I think.

Update: Trigger is indeed tonight. Retrieval is Wednesday morning. Here we go....

count number two

Not much of an improvement at this ultrasound. I had 7 follicles -- still just 2 on the left and 5 on the right. Two of them were over 20 mm, so I'm not sure if we're just going to trigger with only 7 or if we're going to hope for some more or what. I will hear from a nurse later.

I'm not feeling great about this number, but I'm not freaking out as much as I was Friday. I'm still extremely disappointed, and I wonder if this means that I have a low ovarian reserve -- not too surprising since I'm going to be 35 in two months. I just thought I would respond better than this. I've gotten pregnant 3 times on our own, and my fertility goes up right after I stop taking the pill, so I thought I would respond to the medication better. I never expected 20 eggs. But I thought I would at least have 10 or 12. Seven is close to ten, I guess. Maybe I'll get three more follicles before retrieval. Who knows. But I can't help but feel slightly bummed out. If this cycle doesn't work, I'm definitely going to demand a slightly different protocol next time. I need to have a better response than this.

One last question. I have cm. Is that normal? I thought my system was suppressed, so I thought I shouldn't do any sort of cycle stuff on my own. Are the shots triggering it? I'm worried about ovulating on my own. I will ask the nurse when she calls with my results, but have any of you had pre-fertile or fertile cm during an injections cycle?

I'll probably update after the nurse calls. E and baby S are coming over this afternoon. I hope I'm not too bummed out to hang out in any sort of normal way.

Update: So I'm to go in for another blood draw and ultrasound tomorrow. The nurse said that I'll probably trigger tomorrow night, so my retrieval would be Wednesday (if I understand this process correctly). She thinks that it will just be the 7 follicles for retrieval. The minimum number of follicles for PGD is 5 or 6, so we're just over the minimum. This does not feel good. I'm no longer holding out much hope for this cycle.

follicle count

I only had 6 measurable follicles, 2 on the left and 4 on the right. I have to admit I am a bit underwhelmed by this number. I know it is early, and things could change, but I feel like I really need to have at least 10 eggs for any hope of getting a transferrable embryo. I know it's not impossible for 6 eggs to work, but the more eggs, the more likely we will have something potentially viable. But I also know that just because I have only 6 measurable right now that I'll end up with 6 eggs. It's bound to change. But I still can't help but be a little disappointed. I will get a call later this afternoon with further instruction.

Update: I am really trying to shake these negative feelings, but I just can't seem to. We can only expect 1 out of every 8 embryos to be normal/balanced, and that is a generous percentage. It could be as low as 1 out of every 16 or even worse. Either way, the eggs need to be fertilized and survive biopsy and survive until day 5. I need lots of eggs to do this. With all these hormones making me nuts, I'm ready to write off this cycle as a learning experience. I know this is premature, but I can't help it. I know things could turn around in an instant, but I just have this feeling in my heart that this isn't going to work. And if this doesn't work, my next cycle will start after my 35th birthday. I know I have to calm down about this. I'm trying to visualize calm and force myself to smile. It helps a little, but I tend to obsess and worry. And this is my designated place to vent my obsessions and worry, so there it is.

I'm trying to hold it in check. I am. I am trying to visualize my happy place. Thank goodness it's Friday.

Update #2: I spoke to my PGD coordinator, and she assured me that things were fine. My E2 was up above 400, which made me happy, and she said they saw several smaller, unmeasurable follicles and that I'd keep taking my dose of medication and that things look good. I told her I was worried about just having the 6, but she managed to calm me down. So I'm a bit more calm. I will be able to sleep tonight.

Now I have to deal with all the snow.

emotional rollercoaster

I talked to my boss at work. She thought that the situation was horrible, and we're going to try and work it out that I can become part of the subcontract that is going to be created between the new institution and the current institution I work for. That would mean that I wouldn't have to change employers. That would mean that everything would remain the same, and I think I would be fine. Plus there is childcare services through my current employer. But that's something to worry about another day.

It was amazing how 'nothing' the conversation I had with her was. She was much more interested in what medications I was taking (she's an MD) and was sympathetic with my emotions when I teared up because she knows how crazy Lu*pron makes folks. She even told me that it has been considered for treatment in autism to calm boys down and decrease testosterone and aggression. Interesting.

After doing some research, I've learned that my estrogen level was a little lower than is hoped for. It's not something where I need an exact number -- what we see on the ultrasound tomorrow and noting how my levels are rising is more important -- but I was a little disappointed by my number. Oh, and I remembered it wrong. It was actually 142. So that's somewhat low. I'm trying not to let it get me too down, because it's early. But in the morning we'll see if we can see any follicles yet.

All of this is making me notice how disappointed I'm going to be if this cycle doesn't work. I keep telling myself that it might not work. I keep trying to remind myself that this is not the smoking gun, that it fails all the time, that there might not be any transferrable embryos. But I can't help but be a little too hopeful and know that I will be crushed if this doesn't work. I know there is a good chance that it won't work -- in fact, it's more likely to not work than to work. But I just know I will be devastated if it doesn't. We will try again if this round doesn't work, and second rounds happen much faster than first rounds, so I'm keeping that in mind. We probably will do a third round, too, unless we have zero transferrable embryos both times. If that happens we will probably move on to discussion adoption or donor sperm. But I can feel myself investing in this process and really hoping for success.

I hope there are a bunch of follicles tomorrow.

first blood test

My estrogen level was 147 today. I have no idea what that means, but I am to stay on my 5 units of Lu*pron and 200 units of Folli*stim. I am to go in again Friday morning and have more blood taken and an ultrasound for (hopefully) a follicle count. It's dildo-cam time for me, I guess.

I think I am starting to feel my ovaries. I feel like this seems soon, but I feel like I can tell something is going on down there. I'm not in pain or even in discomfort. I'm just -- aware. But maybe I'm making all of this up in my head. I have been known to do stranger things.

Things aren't looking good on the FMLA front. I am finding more stories of people where the same thing happened -- and people who lost 5 years or more of seniority due to circumstances similar to mine. So, if I get pg that will be my prize, and if it takes a few more months and I earn enough seniority, then that will be the prize I get for dealing with failure. I just have to deal. But I just can't help but feel like I'm being screwed. And I'm going to tell my boss what this change is costing me.

It's 70 degrees today, so I have to go take a walk. It's not going to stay like this here.

stims

Did my first stim injection last night. It went smoothly, though it bled more than the Lu*pron has, maybe because of the pause before removing the needle? Not sure. It's amazing how immune I am to needles these days. I mean, I was never nervous around needles before, but when I first started I was like, "Two shots in one night!" but it just is really nothing.

I feel really tired, which may have to do with the time change, but maybe the meds too. I have heard other women say that these meds make them tired.

I'm still feeling emotional, though it's difficult to separate stuff in my life from stuff from hormones.

I am paid off of a grant, and the grant is going to be transferred from one institution to another. The new institution is going to consider me a new employee. The three months of seniority I have earned is going to go down the tubes. Since FMLA is not given to employees until they've been employed for a year, if this cycle works, I will not qualify for FMLA anymore. In order to get disability, you have to invoke FMLA, so if we get pregnant, I will not be able to have a (partially) paid maternity leave.

This sucks. I'm lucky in that we could survive this with just T's salary for a while -- probably a long while if we made some simple lifestyle changes -- but it's just frustrating that this is happening outside of what seems reasonable. If I had stayed pregnant with pg #3, I would have missed out, but that would have been my own doing. I got a job and got pregnant immediately. I would have lived with that timing. But this timing is being forced on me and it feels terribly unfair. I need to check the local laws to see if this is actually legal. Any ideas, anyone?

My blood test is still scheduled for Wednesday morning. There's not much else to report.

schedule

I am to decrease my Lu*pron to 5 units starting tonight. No baseline ultrasound for me -- don't know why. Didn't ask. I'm not going to ask for a vaginal ultrasound if they don't think I need one. On Sunday I start stims -- 200 units of Folli*stim. I do that for 3 days and I go in for bloodwork on Wednesday morning. This is when I get my further instructions.

It's funny how time goes by both so quickly and so slowly while this is going on.

she arrives

Late this afternoon, my period arrived. I had hoped it would be on the early side as it doesn't usually take long after I start the pill, but you never know. Happily, I was right! It was too late to call my PGD coordinator, so I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday.

So looks like I'll be starting stims soon. Don't know if I'll need a baseline ultrasound first or anything. We shall see.

comfort food

I think I'm eating to make myself feel better. I have been eating like shit lately. I mean, it's all been extremely yummy, but extremely bad for me. I'm eating home made shortbread. Oh yeah, I've been baking too. Last night I made a curry with coconut milk. Coconut milk! And I had the leftovers for lunch! (Well, at least it was light coconut milk?) This weekend I made my Nana's special butter cookies. Happily, most of those made it to the freezer to give to my family, but I still had some.

I did elliptical yesterday, but I still think I'm going to bet getting even fatter with all this comforting. I mean, I've gained 15 lbs in the past year with all this being pregnant and then not pregnant and then not losing the weight and then eating more to comfort myself. But I can't stop myself. I'm an eating machine. I feel like I need these foods. I almost feel like I melt on the inside when I take a bite. There's something about these delicious foods that relax me. I'm trying to not eat too much, but I think I am. And I'm not really motivated to stop. I don't want to stop. I want to eat. I don't want to exercise more. I'm still eating fruits and vegetables.

My pants keep getting tighter. What do I do? (I know -- stop eating!)

Hormones

I think the hormones are starting to affect me. My mood swings feel like they're a little bit nuts. I get manic and lovey-dovey and cranky and hyper in a matter of minutes. I had a really stressful week at work, so I'm sure that's contributing factor, but when I got to work yesterday I couldn't focus and felt like I was about to freak out. It's so hard to know.

Tonight I take my last bcp. That means I'll be starting stims within a week.

Last night we went out for super yummy sushi (we hope for the last time in a long time) and knew we'd be out late, so I put my syringe, alcohol wipe and vial of Lu*pron with an ice pack in a little sack and stuck it in my purse. I surreptitiously stuck myself when I had to pee. It was a little bit awkward, but luckily the top of the toilet paper dispenser was flat and I could pile stuff on there so that I could handle all of the stuff. I'm glad I brought it because we didn't get home until about 11:30 and that is way too late for me (my target time is between 9 and 10). I think we're going out again tonight, but this time to someone's house for a party, and I'll have to decide if I need to bring my meds along again. This will be a little bit more difficult, I think. It's easy to bring your purse to the bathroom in a restaurant, but it's more weird at a person's house, I think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

We'll see how the hormones treat me this weekend. I'm going to make some cookies.

Not much

Things are going fine. The shots are fine. I'm not bruising (thank you, belly fat!) and I'm not feeling any effects. It's fine.

Both T and I are having stressful times at work, but we're coping. I'm exercising a little (but not too hard) and that's helping me with my stress. I'm freaking out about the exercising and I keep looking for articles about IVF and exercise. As far as I can tell, it's just important to not do hard core exercise, and not to exercise more than 4 hours per week. We have an elliptical, and I'm using it lightly for less than half an hour every other day. That should be okay, right? It certainly helps my mood, and I would hate to lose it. I keep meaning to ask someone at the RE's office, but I haven't.

Also, who has those progesterone suppositories. I just saw something from the pharmacy where I got the drugs and it said to take of the plastic wrapping. Well, it looks like a gelcap, and to take off the wrapping would be to extrude goo from the gelcap. What are they talking about? Again, I have plenty of time before I use them and I will ask before I do, but I just don't get it.

I wish I had something more exciting to say, but I don't. My purse is coming along well.

I did it!

I just did 10 units of Lu*pron. T sat next to me and the Oscars were on as a distraction. It didn't hurt at all. Thank you so much to those who left me words of wisdom about the injections. They helped me so much. And it's a good thing I have lots of belly fat because that makes it hurt less. :) I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, right?

So, now the spot is red and a little itchy. Is that normal?

So I've officially started now. It's really just hard to believe. Somehow, I never thought this would happen.

I took myself to the craft store and bought a whole bunch of yarn. I'm going to make myself this adorable purse, though in different colors. I also bought yarn for a sweater, but I may have to make the pattern up in my head. But, I want it to sort of look like this.

Talked to my mom today, and I mentioned I was starting my injections. She totally doesn't understand this process at all. She asked me, "So how often do you have to do that? Once a month?" I set her straight. She was surprised at how labor intensive this whole process is. And I told her that I have an easy protocol. It's funny how entrenched I am in this whole thing now. It's bizarre to me when people don't get it.

Big Day

Arriving home from work today I found several interesting things in the mail.

1) My meds arrived. I wasn't expecting them until tomorrow, but that's okay. I've seen pictures of other people's meds, and mine don't look like much. Of course, I have progesterone suppositories and not the PIO injections, so maybe that's why. I'm also only doing Lu*pron and Folli*stim injections, so that's not much either. The Lu*pron says it's a 14 day supply, and I think i have to inject that for longer than 14 days, but I'm only doing 10 units and then when I start stims decreasing to 5 units, so I think it should be enough. It came with its own syringes, and I also got a supply of more. Not sure why that happened either. I better figure it out, though.

2) Our approval came. We had some problems with insurance and we had to switch insurance and it took so long for everything to fall into place that our approval expired, but I got a letter in the mail saying we have approval for 3 cycles through August. So that's set.

3) Our reimbursement came. We have to pay for the PGD up front, so we got a nice, fat check for that payment today. That's just such a great thing.

So now I have to wait until Sunday for my first injection.