Failure

I didn't get the job.

So, it is true. I just can't seem to succeed at anything.

Busy

I'm still here. Still haven't heard about that job. I just figured out today that I had my interviews way back on Sept 4 & 5. That was three weeks ago! I feel like that is so long to be waiting. I guess I don't have a lot of patience.

We're also still trying to figure out about expanding our search. We've spoken to a facilitator that i like, got some information from a couple of attorney's offices and got a packet from an agency in another state. It is very difficult to sort through all of this information and determine which is the right fit for us. I really like the facilitator I spoke to, but with a facilitator we have to find our own attorney to use and it seems like there is a lot of contacts to maintain to make sure everything is done legally and ethically and is sound. Agencies are more all-in-one which we originally liked and which is a big reason we chose the agency we're using for our home study. But now that seems to have kind of flown out the window a little.

But I'm sure we'll figure it out and we will be able to find our proper fit. At this time I think it's this facilitator, but we are not done with our research.

That's all that's going on here. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday!

My opinion

I spent much of this week and this weekend seeking out adopted people and adoptive parents to get their views on all of this stuff. The result? Everyone is different.

Every adopted person is going to approach their adoption in a different way. For some it was bad. For some it was good. For some, it was both. Some thought about their birth parents every day. Some almost never did. It just depends on the individual.

I have to say that the people I spoke to personally (which is only a small number of people, granted) generally do not feel this way about their adoption. My guess is that most people who do feel this way probably think these people I spoke to are trying to spare my feelings or haven't truly looked inward or something like that. I do not think this is true.

I simply think that you just never know how things are going to turn out.

I am hopeful that because we will have some openness in our adoption and we will be able to answer questions our children have as best we can about their genetic history and the circumstances of their birth that this will mitigate a lot of those painful feelings.

Still, everybody's experience is different, and you just never know what is going to happen. And this is true for every person in the world that has ever existed.

My external (read: blog) discussion on this is now complete. I will forever think about these issues. Having this brought up on my blog has made me realize how ready I am to parent and how much emphasis I am focusing on how our children's lives will be as they grow up, and that is really good.

I have shut off comments on this post. I'm skeptical I will allow any further comments on my blog regarding the pros and cons of adoption.

Of course, like anything else, you just never know what will happen.

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog.

Thinking

At the suggestions of some of my new 'friends' I decided to check out this book they keep mentioning. That book is The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier. I haven't purchased or read it yet, but I wanted to check it out to see what kind of book it was and what different types of people thought of it. It actually looks like a reasonably interesting book and I'm glad it was pointed out to me. That being said, I think people could have let me know about it in a bit more of an understanding and less off-putting way. I may borrow a copy or get it from the library or something along with my other adoption reading.

I also have reached out to several adopted (adult) friends and adoptive parents to discuss some of these issues that have come up on my blog. I am not finished reaching out yet, but I think it is important to get a diverse perspective on things. I don't appreciate being blindsided by people and most of these people didn't do their 'side' any favors by approaching me in this way.

I spoke to a facilitator yesterday about our search and actually liked her. She's sending me some more information about what she does and how she works. She focuses a lot on birth mother counseling which is important to us. I also got a packet from another attorney's office to check them out. At first glimpse of the packet I'm not getting a good vibe but I will look a bit more closely with T. Both of these people came recommended from our agency who also puts a premium on birth mother counseling, which I like. I want to make sure we find a good fit for us when it comes to our search.

Still here

I'm still here. I'm still plugging along. Nothing new is happening.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible promotion from work. I really hope I get it and I thought the interviews went well, but I'm still really nervous about it. I know they are interviewing 2 or 3 other people and I just have this weird feeling that they're going to think somebody is a better fit. I mean, it's not that they're going to think I'm not right, they're just going to think somebody else is right-er. This has happened to me before in a job.

I just sometimes feel like I'm a jinx. So why should this job be any different?

The weather is fabulous. It's cool at night but warms up during the day. I love it.

Exhausted

I'm feeling pretty spent and exhausted through all of this blog turmoil. I am still sorry for those people who have had bad experiences in their adoptions. This doesn't mean they had bad adoptive parents or that anybody did anything bad in particular, but if they are feeling that adamant, something somewhere in that process has gone wrong for them. And I am truly sorry for that. I promise I will do my best to do whatever is in my power to ensure that our children will know they are loved by us no matter what and that their birth parents love them and that they can get in touch with their birthparents when/if the need arises and their birthparents are okay with it. But we never know what the future will bring.

I wish I could make everybody have a positive life experience.

All I want in this world right now is to be a Mommy.

Anyway, I'm now exhausted by this thread so I don't think I will post about it for a little while. You all can continue your comments. I will continue to moderate them.

Comment moderation

It seems that some people who are anti-adoption have found my blog. I have left their comments up and tried to address their viewpoint a little bit. But I do not want my blog to be a place where we are having an argument over whether adoption is okay or not. Some adoptions are okay, and I am sure that some have also been done in a non-ethical and non-moral manner.

Neither of us are going to change each other's minds. Again, I have left their comments up on a previous post. If you are interested in reading more about the anti-adoption movement please refer to the book that one poster left as a comment, or you can link to their blogs and get more information, I am sure.

This blog is a diary for me. Yes, it is a diary that other people can read or comment on, but I just can not put myself in a place where I am arguing with people who do not agree with how I am creating my family. I have turned on comment moderation now and I will no longer be publishing these clearly anti-adoption posts.

I have to go to work now, but I wanted to post this now.

Anonymous adopted person?

There's an anonymous person commenting on my blog. From what I read of these comments, my guess is that this is an adopted person, but I cannot be sure.

I'm not really sure how to react to this anonymous person. From the comments I am assuming that this person has had a difficult time with the situation he or she has lived in. It seems to me this person was adopted and was never comfortable with it. Of course I do not know this and I am making huge assumptions and leaps.

Now that I am ready to become an adoptive parent, I have been trying to educate myself as much as I can about adoptive parenthood. This is why we've opened ourselves to more than just sending a picture an letter once a year to our child's birthparent if that's what that birth parent wants. I have heard the stories of many adopted people and birth parents and adoptive parents and the only thing that I have learned is that the story of each member of the triad is as varied as the people in the world.

Mostly this person has been telling me that I am selfish and that I'm not ready to be an adoptive parent. These comments don't make me feel bad, which is how I am sure that I am ready to be an adoptive parent. I get the feeling that this person feels abandoned. I don't want our child to feel that way, and that is why I want to maintain communications with our child's birthparents so that when we have questions we can ask them and have answers. Also, when the child is old enough, if both sides want it, there can be communication or visits, if it is appropriate.

I am sorry that this person has had a bad adoptive experience, if that is the case. I hope that he or she can find peace in the life that they lead. I am not sure why, but of the several (teen/adult) adopted people I have spoken to, they have not expressed the level of bitterness in losing their biological family as this person seems to have. Yes, they have all had some curiosity and some feelings of loss, isolation and loneliness -- some more than others. From all of the people I talk to, ever person reacts in a different way to their lives. This would be true for biological children as well. I am hoping that the openness we maintain in our triad will alleviate these feelings and give our children some answers.

No, anonymous poster, we are not going to 'seal' any records (unless that's what the law does) and we hope to always have a way to get in touch with our child's birth parents, so we can communicate with them if the need arises.

We just hope our child will grow up knowing how much of a loving choice their birthparents made by finding them a loving home where they were wanted and cherished and cared for and loved more than anything.

--------------------------------

I just realized that my anonymous poster could be a birth parent. If so, perhaps their triad is not as open as he or she had hoped. If that is the case, I am terribly sorry. I can't imagine the difficulty of that situation, and I just know it takes a truly loving parent to make that choice for their child to know that being raised in another home is what would be best for him or her. I know adoption didn't always work that way, but I am glad that adoption has moved forward in that respect in these more modern times. If adoption is done legally, morally and ethically, it can be a good thing for all members of the triad.

Support

We went to a support group for waiting parents today. It was good. There was nothing mind boggling nor was there any sort of breakthrough, but it's nice to be around people who are in a similar situation to us and for us to talk about it. The biggest thing I realized at the group today was how far we've come in terms of our willingness to be open. We feel very ready to have a semi-open adoption. We are not in a place where we want to exchange identifying information, but we are more than willing to have more frequent communication that just sending a picture and letter once a year. We are neither scared nor threatened by this. We feel that this type of relationship will be a benefit to our child. I never thought I would be able to say those things and mean them, but I am doing that now. And it makes me feel good.

We got a little feedback about our book and have a few final changes to make. These last changes are the most difficult because I don't really have a similar but better photo to substitute for the three we want to change. But we will find something and we will "glue it down and move on." And then we will be done. And then we will be officially a waiting family.

We mailed in our "Matching and Placement Consideration" form today. We tried to be as open as we could with our choices, but to be honest we could only go so far. We are open to situations we would have never put ourselves in had we been able to get pregnant, but we are not really willing to enter a situation that we would never expect (a drug addicted baby) or would have been a surprise (a special needs adoption). This is where we are right now, and we can always change our minds in the future.

Sometimes I feel bad about this decision, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I refuse to allow myself feel bad because I want a similar situation to what I would have had were we able to have biological children. It would be unfair to a child to accept a situation you are not ready for. And that's the way it is.

Today was a pretty good day. We both got our hair cut. We had a lovely lunch and then went to the support group. I looked at some yarn and we visited my parents before they left for a trip to AZ. I feel much more relaxed this evening.

Tomorrow we will have a mellow day at home and we will take care of some things around the house. I will work on getting those final three pictures together and Monday is the start of a new week. I hope it will be a better one.

Crazed

I feel crazed. I'm not even sure a lot of stuff is going on, but I feel like it is.

Our cats had dental work done yesterday and we have to give them medication and feed them wet food, which they refuse to eat. I tried soaking the dry food, and only one of them will eat that. This, though minor, is feeling kind of big.

I finally called the pediatricians. I didn't get through to one, and the secretary of the other one said he would call me tonight after 5pm, but it's 6pm now and no call so far. And I didn't drive my carpoolee home because I didn't want to talk to a pediatrician about the questions I had with her in the car, but now that is for naught so I kind of feel bad.

I have therapy tomorrow morning and am working 10-6. I'll call the doctor who was supposed to call tonight in the morning to see what happened. I think I may try to call the other pediatrician too, while I'm at it.

I had a conversation with the woman who deals with birth parents from our adoption agency today about my dear BM letter. It's good and only need a very small amount of tweaking. I tried to send them our photo booklet via the web but they couldn't handle the technicality of it and they couldn't see it so I had to mail them a CD. I'm very concerned that they won't be able to see the file on the CD either.

The person who is the hiring manager for the job I interviewed for might be quitting.

T is having some crazy shit going on at work with people leaving or thinking about leaving and other chaotic stuff that just make life incredibly difficult.

Did I leave anything out?

Today was a sad day

I was sad today. I read a few blogs and saw a few successes. I know it's selfish and awful, but seeing other people's successes still makes me sad. I mean, I am happy that people find success. I certainly don't want people to be stuck in this horrible place we all know. But I still find myself feeling jealous and sad when I see someone else reach the goal of parenthood. Also, another one of T's co-workers' wives had a baby today. Sure, it was after 42 hours of labor, which does not make me envious in any way, but this will be about the fifth birth in his department in the last year. These people were married after I'd already had two miscarriages and we found out about T's translocation. They're also more than five years younger than us. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm ready for it to be our turn.

We watched the Patriots game (Tom Brady may have torn his ACL!!!) and watched some of the Sox game. T saw me being sad, so he said we should go out and not sit around being sad. So, we went and got a super yummy crepe and saw Hamlet 2. It helped a lot. That movie was funny! Yes, there was a small theme about, and I quote, "shooting blanks" but if I was able to overlook that part, the movie made me laugh and it was well done. It was totally ridiculous but somehow oddly profound, and I loved the music. I'm glad we got out and were in another place at least for a little while. Restful weekends are good, but it's really bad for me to sit and do nothing for too long because I end up being sad.

I'm doing better now, but it was a sad day. Now I have to go and make another baby hat for yet another office baby. Sigh.

Things that are happening.

I interviewed for a new position in my company today. I really want this job. I answer the phone all day and I'm just ready to move away from the phones and find a new challenge. This job has been great for me. It's been 6 months and I like the company and I just feel ready to grow a little bit. I think the interviews went well, and now it's just a waiting game. I know that several other people are interviewing for the job. They are also internal candidates, so it could be close. I will be very disappointed if I don't get this job, but I am not confident it will be mine. I have a good shot, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel like it's a slam-dunk. I think I did as well as I could, though, so now I just have to wait. I hate to wait.

In other news, I finished my photo album booklet thing for the adoption. I still have to finish up the final version of the Dear Birth Parent letter, but I send my version of the book off to the agency for 'approval' from them. It was a lot easier to make than I thought it would be. It was actually kind of fun in the end. The letter is much more difficult. I only have one or two passes left on that one, but it's not as fun as putting photos together.

The only big thing left on the adoption front is deciding how much exposure to drugs and alcohol is okay. I need to talk to a pediatrician about that, but I haven't had time to make the phone call and I'm really not sure what to say. I think I just want to have a phone call at first, but how do I introduce my situation to the secretary who is going to answer the phone?

"Hi. My name is Rachel and my husband and I are trying to adopt a baby and want to understand more about the effects of drugs and alcohol on a fetus, so we were hoping to talk to the doctor about that."

I dunno. I think that's weird. Maybe it's not.

T and I don't have plans for the weekend, which is great because last weekend was so insane and it's supposed to really rain tomorrow. I'm excited to stay at home, maybe watch some Net.Flix and knit. Then we can watch some football on Sunday. Fall is here, but the weather is really warm so I can't really tell. The traffic is bad again, though, which is always an indication. I like the fall when it gets really cool at night so you can sleep with the windows open and pull up the covers, but during the day it warms up a bit and it's nice to go outside. I love that kind of weather. That means there will be apples soon.

On Bristol Palin

There have been so many comments and discussion about this young girl's pregnancy, Why should a 17-year-old girl be forced to marry a high school boy who says on his Facebook page that he never wants to have kids? What about their futures?

Does nobody know how many people are waiting to create a family who are ready and more than willing to take on the responsibilities of parenthood?

I just don't get why making an adoption plan doesn't even come up!

Isn't that most likely the best decision for Bristol, for Levi and for the baby?

A long long weekend

We've been full of house guests this week. It's been good, but busy. Jess was in from Wales, my friend Jen needed a place to crash and a little bit of help moving, and we had dinner with my parents both with Jess and E&R with toddler S. It was a crazy long weekend. It was fun, but I'm glad the house guests and plans are coming to an end, though. It's fun to have them, but it's always fun to get the house back.

Tomorrow is our last home study visit. I'm desperately trying to make the house seem as clean as possible. It's clean enough, but I kind of want it to be even cleaner. I also want our yard to look better, but I suck at stuff like that. I'm going to try to force myself to work on it later today as it cools down. I'm 2/3 done with the book for the potential birth parents, and 2/3 done with the Dear Birth Mother letter. I'm feeling pretty good about all that I accomplished (of course, with the help of T). Our home study will be complete soon, and we will be a waiting family.

Kinda freaky. But good.

There is a waiting family support group meeting in the middle of September that I'll want to go to. I think if we're not officially in that stage by that date, we'll be only a week or two away from it.

Then it's going to be time to work on our search. We're going to contract with another agency to do a national search in addition to the local searches that our agency does.

Things are finally coming together.