jealous again

T and I are going to the game tonight. The weather has cleared up, so hopefully it will be better than last time. And hopefully we will win.

It is the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashana) and I got sent a New Year's bulletin from my mother's cousin. His daughter is pregnant. She's in her early 40s, and my mother told me that she and her husband were 'having trouble' but there it was on the bottom of the note. I was furious at my mother for not telling me. To be fair, she may not have known, but I sent her an email about it. I wonder what their 'trouble' was. Part of me wonders if she had donor eggs. But I don't want to ask her. She's due in February, which means she just passed the 12 weeks mark. We went to a party at her house in July. She must have been doing whatever they were doing to get her pregnant around then. She literally cooked for over 50 people by herself and she works full time, so I don't know how she could do that and undergo treatments, but she seems kind of the wonder woman type.

This is her second marriage, and in her first marriage she said several times out loud that she didn't want children. I guess maybe it was her first husband that didn't want them. Of course, everybody's allowed to change their mind. I was just surprised when my mother told me they were trying because I always just knew that she didn't want kids. New husband must have really wanted some.

Why can't I just be happy for them? Why does this kill me so much? It really just makes me miserable and jealous. Especially if they didn't use donor eggs. Then I'll really be jealous. But who knows if I'll ever know. I'm sick of all of this pain.

I just got an email from my mother. She didn't know. She learned via the letter, too.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to synagogue on the high holidays. T is not Jewish, and he has to work on Thursday for Rosh Hashana, so I would have to go alone. We found a synagogue that we might want to join, but it's full of young couples with children, and membership dues are not cheap. I suppose I could just go for the service and not join, but I just don't know if I want to go alone. There is a separate children's service, so there probably won't be a ton of kids there, but I'm just not sure I feel up to it. But then I feel guilty that I don't feel up to it. I told my family that I'd go there, and I just don't want to 'fess up to them that I just decided to not go this year. But I just don't know if I can do it. I'm going to just decide in the morning, I guess.

Hopefully the Sox game tonight will be a good distraction. I love baseball. I think I may go to a coffee shop today and apply, too. I'm meeting my friend S later to help her choose some yarn to make a scarf for her husband. I also need to cook for the dinner tomorrow night at my brother's house. I'm making broccoli with Parmesan butter, lime cheesecake bars and chocolate mousse. So, despite not working, I'm pretty busy. Hopefully that will elevate my mood.

I just found out another cousin is pregnant with their second after 'trouble' and a miscarriage. I'm still a selfish bitch and am not able to do anything with that except be sad for myself. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but that's just where I am right now. This pregnant cousin is very lovely and was adopted herself, so I'm sure she would be very sympathetic and understanding. But the fact of the matter is, she is having two children that are biologically related to herself and her husband and we aren't. At this point, we're not having any children.

I really hope some of this anger, sadness and jealously goes away once I'm (hopefully) pregnant. Not sure what will happen if we end up adopting.