T had a dream

When I woke up this morning, T told me he had a dream that we had a baby. It was a DI baby, and he said he loved it. He said he was holding it and looked at it and he knew that it wasn't related to him biologically, but he loved it.

We must be slowly healing.

I took my bbt this morning (sorta) and we're going to do the dIUI in a couple of weeks. I purchased OPKs, which I have never used, but I am charting as well since that worked for me before. It's so hard to remember to take my temp before rolling over (hence the sorta). I was so good at it for a while, but I have to get back in the swing. It is almost a year since we have tried a natural cycle on our own. Well, except for pregnancy #3 where I apparently didn't chart and we managed to get pg anyway. We snuck that one try in there. Or, if I did chart I have no idea where it went. I have all of my other charts shoved in my night table. I scrutinize them sometimes.

As far as the IUI and the expense goes, I am not having any monitoring. It's just that expensive because that's what the RE's office charges for an IUI. Our sperm is expensive because that's what the bank charges. We are getting prewashed IUI sperm (which is more expensive) and we are using an open donor (which is more expensive) so we are buying the most expensive sperm they offer at our bank. We do have an appointment with a midwife on Thursday who will do the IUI for $300 cheaper than the RE's office. We will go there if we do not get insurance coverage. But, all of our charts and experience and everything are at the RE's office, so if we don't have to pay for the procedure, we figure we'll just stay at the RE's office. It seemed simpler.

We actually tried to go to a different clinic, but when I said that I had done IVF before, they freaked and told me to stick with the RE. Even though I tried to explain that it was my husband's issue, they saw those three letters and didn't want anything to do with us. That's why we thought it was simpler to stay with the RE. It wasn't until later that we got the name of this midwife clinic. So we will go there Thursday and see what happens. I feel like it's kind of last minute to switch, but I guess I can do it if I need to. This is all a part of how nervous I'm feeling.

But we both seem to be in a better place right now, which I really appreciate.

Doing Okay

This morning T was acting hyper. When he is hyper he talks in puns and non-sequiturs. Sometimes he does little dances. It's very cute. He kept babbling and babbling, and he didn't know why. Earlier this morning I decided it would be a good idea if we made coffee (decaf cappuccino for me) and watch "John From Cincinnati" on TiVo. We never do this on Saturday mornings, but it was rainy and humid, and we had to clean because my parents are coming over, and I thought it would be a relaxing start to the day. We love coffee and we love the show. So, after the show was over and the coffee was gone, and he got out of the shower, he shouts over to me, "Why am I acting like this?"

My answer? "I think it's because you're happy, sweetie."

"Happy? Huh. I remember happy. Maybe that's what it is! How novel."

So, I guess we had a good morning.

I'm starting to spot, so CD 1 will be here tomorrow. I'm starting to get nervous about the dIUI. I think all the paperwork is in place, but I nervous that something will go wrong. On Monday I will call the bank and make sure everything is set. We're doing this non-medicated with only one vial. One IUI. We're putting all of our eggs, so to speak, in this one basket. I have been pregnant from having se.x only one time (just like they warn you in se.x ed class), so for our first try, we are thinking this is enough. Probably for our second try too, but if it gets to a third try, we're going to do something else. And maybe I'll change my mind and want clomid for the second try, but we shall see what happens.

I just think it's so weird that this unmedicated IUI is so expensive. I mean, I feel like I'm paying hundreds of dollars to have se.x (sort of). With IVF, it felt different because of the medication and the intervention, and there were things going on that I could never have done on my own. But with this procedure, we could basically do it all on our own. (Well, an ICI on our own. Not an IUI exactly, but it doesn't feel that different.) So it just seems a little crazy. But it is what it is, and it's what we're doing. We still haven't heard about insurance. I guess that's another call I have to make on Monday.

So, whenever I think about the IUI, I feel butterflies in my stomach. Already. I am incredibly nervous that it is not going to work right away -- and statistically it doesn't work right away. But I also half expect it to work right away (since it has for me before), so I'm nervous that if it doesn't I will freak out. I know, I'm making myself crazy. But that's what I do best!

So, time is marching forward slowly. Our house is nice and clean (downstairs anyway) and we are taking my dad out for his birthday tonight. BBQ and frozen custard! Woo hoo!

Week End

First, I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling slightly better now. I did check out some donor egg support groups, but of course the next one in my area doesn't meet until mid-September. It seems that most support groups are not meeting much over the summer. I also emailed my local Resolve chapter to volunteer to run a donor sperm group. However, I have emailed and volunteered my services to Resolve before and never got a response back. We shall see what happens.

And as far as getting out my concerns on this blog goes, I do do that. I love this blog. I love having this blog. I find that it helps me tremendously. In fact, even if no one read it (which I think would make me a bit sad) I still think it would help just to get my feelings out through my fingers.

But there are some things that are difficult to write down because you can't even articulate them. There are some things that only come out in conversation with others. Sometimes the only way to reframe an idea is to bounce it off other people who are experiencing the same thing and just looking at it from a different angle. There's something about having a conversation in person that is different from pouring out my emotions on this blog.

That being said, I guess what I'm feeling mostly sad about right now is what was brought up in that NPR story. How the woman, when she saw her son walking next to the woman who had given birth to him, that their walks were the same. How, when I look at baby S, I see his dad in his face and in his body. When I used to teach, sometimes a student's dad would walk in the room and I would think, "That has to be so-and-so's dad" because you could just see it. I am just mourning that connection.

I am also wondering what we're going to say when people ask, "Who does he look like?" And I even believe that people who will not know might even say he looks like T (maybe) and then how do we respond?

When that happens to my brother and sister-in-law with my niece L, they just smile and look at each other and say, "Yup!" People have said that she looks like my brother. So I guess that's what we'll do too.

I mean, I don't feel like we won't be a happy family. I don't even think we'll think about this too much once there is a real live little person around. We will just live our lives as most people do. But that connection that is genetics -- it is not a small one. It will always connect us to this donor, and it is a strong bond. I do not think that it replaces the bond we will have with our children. Our children will always be our children and that is a bond that no one can break. Ever. No matter what. It's just that a small but natural piece of parenthood -- looking for yourself, physically, in your child -- will not be there for T. And though I think we are making the right decision by going with donor sperm, I am still grieving this loss. It does not feel small right now.

I just thought it would be helpful to discuss this feeling of loss with a group of people going through something similar. Donor eggs, donor sperm, whichever. I'd be interested to hear other people talk about it. But it's just not going to happen for now.

For now, I have this blog and other bloggers. But that is a good thing.

Not the best day

I didn't get anything done at work today. I did about an hour's worth of work all day.

I'm also feeling really isolated. I'm a bit isolated at work now that I've changed offices. I haven't really minded the new office until today, though. But I'm definitely feeling isolated with all this DI stuff. I do know a couple of people in the blogosphere who are dealing with DI issues, and that definitely helps a little, but I'm feeling like I need more. I really want to find a support group where people are dealing with their emotions about DI, but nothing I have found online is like that. Maybe it's different once you're pregnant, but now I'm just feeling so very alone in all of this.

At RESOLVE there are many donor egg groups, but I have yet to see a donor sperm group. Donor egg definitely has similar issues, but it is a different process (way more difficult than DI), and the non-biological aspect of it is different because though it is not the mother's eggs, the woman does carry the child which is a very physical thing. It is just feeling different to me right now.

I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to talk about this. My therapist is on vacation, and I just don't know what to do. I do not want to go back on this decision. I still am happy with our choice and our donor. I just want to talk to people about what I am feeling and to hear what they are feeling. I just don't know where to go.

I took my last BCP yesterday. Things are going to happen soon.

My first part time week

Today is Monday and I didn't go to work. I woke up around 7ish, went for a walk, came home and took a shower, and then I started working on cleaning the kitchen. I only got as far as the dishes, but that was no small feat. Our kitchen is disgusting. I then made myself a decaf double mocha (we just started using the espresso machine we had in our basement) and the guy from the gas company changed our meter. I asked him some questions about our boiler and he was helpful, but I am worried about it because our house is heated with steam and I cannot tell how much water is in the boiler. There is an indicator glass thingy and I can't tell if it's full to the top or empty to the bottom. We have an automatic feeder system so it's supposed to take care of itself, but I am concerned. I just emptied about 6 gallons of water and I still can't see anything in the level window. We have a 'low water' alarm system thingy, and that's not saying the water is low, but how could I have emptied 6 gallons without seeing a meniscus? I just don't get it.

Anyway, ArtBeat was a hit. The weather couldn't have been better, and we had all sorts of knitters and crocheters swarm at our booth to contribute. I gave a few lessons, and I got a connection to someone in a Park & Rec department who may be hiring to teach knitting to teenagers -- so maybe a new part time job. E came by with baby S, and ultimatejourney and her hubby visited too, as well as a bunch of other friends of mine. There were people at the booth who didn't speak any English, but I saw a look in their eye and just gave them some yarn and knitting needles, and they sat down and knitted up something beautiful! Hurray for the universal language of knitting! I had a great time and the whole thing went wonderfully.

I called the financial coordinator at my RE's office to see our insurance status. We should be hearing by the end of the week. If we get denied, we can still go ahead with the dIUI and pay for it out of pocked while we appeal. If we get coverage in the appeal, they will reimburse us for the procedure. So, we are getting really close. It should be about two and a half weeks. I have a phone call with the nurse practitioner to see if we do one or two inseminations per cycle. I have gotten pregnant on one insemination before (read: by having sex once during my fertile period -- that was pregnancy #2) but I'm totally paranoid about it not working this time.

Anyway, while I was typing this I head the water turn on and our boiler filled itself with water again. So, it must be working. The indicator must be clogged or something. Maybe we'll call the plumber.

Not working full time is going well so far today. It's only noon and I feel like I've accomplished a lot. Plus, I will do a bunch more. I'm going to bleed the boiler again.

Oh, there was an adoption piece on NPR this morning. It was about interracial adoption, and though we aren't planning on adopting just yet, we feel that adoption issues are quite related to insemination issues. At the very end, the mom talked about her children meeting their birth mother and looking at her son walking with his birth mother and how they walked the same way and how that affected her so strongly. This made both of us cry. It is just that kind of thing -- knowing that we will not see some of these small, physical things that T does being present in our children that still make us sad. We know we will love our children fully and completely, but that will always be there, just like it is still there for that mother. Her children are grown now, but you can still hear it in her voice how moved she was. I keep wondering about the future with our children and whether we will meet our donor or not.

pregnancy and babies everywhere

Tomorrow I am helping to run a booth at a local arts and crafts festival. We have displays of yarns and knitting and crochet techniques. We will be giving free lessons and giving people the opportunity to make a square to become part of a blanket we will donate to charity. I have been trying to tell people about our booth so that many people will come an visit. This leaves me face to face with a reality that we are surrounded by fertile people.

E and her baby will probably stop by. A co-worker of T's and his wife and baby may stop by. T's boss's wife is due on 9/22. Another co-worker of T's recently announced his wife's pregnancy. A couple other of T's co-workers may stop by with their children. With the exception of E, T and I were pregnant before all of these people. Two or three times. They have babies. We have yet to purchase a vial of frozen sperm.

Why is life so cruel?

Rain

It's raining today, which always makes me sad. I thought I was over being sad, but I guess not. Today, I am sad. I don't feel sad about anything specifically. I just feel a sadness in general.

I called the bank, and I was told our donor has more than 20 vials in storage. So that is good news. That gives us a little more flexibility. Our donor also has no pregnancies on record, but I'm trying really hard not to worry about that. He is clearly a new donor. His audio interview was conducted in February of 2007. And sperm needs to be quarantined for six months before it can be released. I guess the question is how many times can they produce per month? But I'm not worrying about it yet. Or at least, I'm trying not to worry about it.

I still haven't heard about the insurance coverage, but I'm trying to worry less about that too. I mean, we were lucky to have coverage for the IVF, and doing the IUIs will not send us into debt because we will have the opportunity to re-evaluate before we get to that point financially.

So, I know that things are okay. But I guess I just want a break. I mean, we have been through so much in such a relatively short period of time. Two miscarriages, an overwhelming diagnosis, preparation for IVF, another miscarriage, and three failed IVFs with only one transfer and an extremely poor response. Then we had to deal with moving on to donor sperm. I guess I'm feeling like I just want something to go our way. I am so sick of this process. I just want to be pregnant already.

I feel like we are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I'm exhausted, and I feel like time is moving so slowly. Each day seems like it's taking forever to end, and it's taking forever to get to the next day. I still have a week on the pill, and then it will be two more weeks until we do the dIUI. More time. I'll probably freak out if the first one doesn't work because every time we've been pregnant, it's been right after going off the pill. So, I'll freak if the first one doesn't work, and really panic if the second one doesn't work. If that's the case, I'm taking Clo.mid for the third one.

I'm starting to go part time next week, but I decided this three weeks ago and I feel like the last three weeks have gone extraordinarily slowly. I don't even know if going part time is going to help me. I'm trying to find jobs to apply to, and I'm just not interested in any of them. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.

I just want something to be easy.

Paperwork Hell

We're hoping that insurance covers our procedure. It definitely doesn't cover the cost of sperm, which isn't cheap. It's about $500/vial. Of course, the paperwork somehow got messed up. When I called the RE's office to check on when we would hear back about the coverage, they figured out that the insurance company was missing some paperwork and they had to resend it. Our insurance carrier doesn't like you to go 'backwards' from IVF to IUI, but I don't understand how they wouldn't do that with different sperm. I mean, it would be stupid to do IVF with this new sperm right from the get-go. Of course, we have no MF diagnosis, so it's really unclear whether we'll be covered at all. I really hope that we are, but we may not be. It will take 6 dIUIs to match the cost of one IVF out of pocket, so I'm thankful for the coverage we had. But I hope we can get covered. It will be nice to save some money, but I think I also feel so strongly about it because of this whole 'infertile' designation. We live in a mandated state, so with a diagnosis of infertility (for a specific not age-related reason) you are covered for infertility treatment. Because we can conceive and we could possibly have a baby on our own, we are not technically considered infertile (sort of). We did get the IVF coverage, so that was a good start. But now I fear not being covered and being labeled fertile. That will piss me off.

So that brings me to my next topic. I think I have mostly moved on from the sadness and on to the anger. I am pissed. I am pissed that this is happening and about what we have had to endure and that I have to pay money to do something that people just do for free. I know that was true with the IVF too, but somehow this IUI feels different. I think it's because I think I could get pg from home on my own since T and I got pregnant on our own so many times. But T is totally against home insemination, and that is something I am completely willing to compromise on, so we're not doing it. But anyway, I'm just pissed about this whole thing. We got screwed.

So, trying to figure out what pieces of paper I need and don't need is getting confusing. We have to figure out how many vials to buy and how many to ship (don't forget the $175 shipping fee) and whether to store it at the bank or at the IVF place ($600/yr storage charge) so that we have enough to have a second kid with. The bank will store for free for two years once we have a baby, so we don't want to ship it to the IVF place to store for a year because there is no way to ship it back. And it all depends on how many vials are available. It looks like there are vials for our donor, but I don't know how many. Haven't checked yet. Still waiting for insurance info.

Dizzy yet?

Again, Better

Well, I didn't feel well yesterday, so I stayed home from work and mostly searched for a new donor. And I found one. A much, much better one. His coloring is much more like T's. He seems smart in the same way T is. And the best part is, he's an open donor. That means when our children are older, if they want to find a way to contact the donor, they will be able to. This was important to us. While I'm sure we will be perfectly happy if our children express absolutely no interest in our donor, it is natural to have curiosity about the biology behind your existence, and we wanted it to be up to our children to decide how to proceed in contacting or not contacting the donor.

I am feeling much, much better about the donor decision now. I feel much closer to the, "This is the guy," feeling than I did with the other donor. T agrees that this guy is, hands down, our best choice.

I was able to sleep last night (with a little help from Ty.lenol PM) and this morning I am still convinced that we found our donor. This is a much better decision.

Now I get to start worrying about whether the sperm will be available or not.

Trouble

We both have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up at around 3 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep for an hour or two. This happened again last night, and when I got up to pee, T was awake. I freaked out. I confessed that I had reservations about the donor we chose. I just feel like he looks too different from us or something. I'm not exactly sure. So, I was crying in bed for about a half an hour. I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Isn't it T who should be doing the suffering?

T is the most wonderful man in the world. When I told him I had reservations about our donor guy, he just said, 'Well, then we'll pick a different one." He said we both had to feel good about the decision because it's such a huge one. I expressed concern because the one we chose was T's favorite, but he said we had to compromise to come to a decision that both of us can live with. I tried so hard to accept this donor -- he's really not bad -- and I tried to compromise because I thought this was the donor that T wanted. But I suck at compromise. I am afraid that with this gut feeling of mine, T is compromising and I am not. That's not fair. I don't want that. But T said we had to go with my gut feeling because gut feelings are important.

So, we're kind of looking again. I just wish I knew how to choose. I think I need the person to look just a little bit like T somehow. Though, I'm not sure how. I suppose there's a chance that we'll go back to our original choice, but I'm just not ready to commit yet.

And as far as the waiting goes, I am self-medicating with BCPs. I have about two more weeks of BCPs, but I can always stay on them for another week or two. This gives me a little bit more flexibility with timing. So, I will stay on BCPs until we both feel comfortable with our decision, and then we will more forward.

I always wanted to try DI before adoption for several reasons. I get to experience pregnancy and delivery, we will have a newborn, it is less expensive, and we have more choice. This last one, choice, is turning out to be a real bitch. These choices are so difficult, and I don't know how to go about making them. But the choice needs to be made. All we can do is keep going.

UPDATE
T just found out that his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me, is pregnant. She and her bf aren't married yet. She's older than T, and we knew she wants to have kids, but all we can say to this is, "For fuck's sake!"

What is normal?

We have submitted most of our paperwork to the cryobank where the sperm we are hoping to use is sitting in a vault, frozen. I sort of feel like I should be excited, but I am not. I do not, however, want to wait to move forward. I need to do this now.

I've read some people find their donor and just "know" it -- like love at first sight. I do not feel that way about our donor. He's just there. He seems fine. He is smart. He is in a similar line of work as T. He expressed a willingness to be known to the children that are created by his sperm. He seems to have a reasonable personality, but he doesn't really look like T. He doesn't have the cutest baby picture, but the people at the bank said he is good looking as an adult. He has some family medical history that isn't the greatest, but it's not too bad. He is soft-spoken. There he is.

I don't want to think about him much. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Should I be excited? I really only feel sad.

I am still incredibly saddened by all of this. I know that this is normal. We are suffering a big loss. I know we aren't the only people in the world dealing with this, but I can't help almost feeling like a freak. I have never known anyone who has used donor gametes before. I know a few now, and I do find some comfort in that, but I absolutely cannot say that I am excited or I am looking forward to this or that it feels 'normal' yet. I know it will some day, but that day is not today.

My guess is that people are going to again suggest that we wait a little, but I am not willing to do that. My friend E's baby turned one a couple of weeks ago, and we were pregnant at the same time and due 4 months apart. I will not be childless by the time that child turns two. I think it will kill me. Besides, I am 35 and T is thinking about his 37th (even though it isn't until December) and we are not getting any younger. We want to have two children. Every month counts. I will not wait any longer.

T wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, and I think I may have caught whatever he had. My throat is sore, and I haven't slept well in a couple of days. I'm hoping I can go to bed early tonight.

Slightly better

I'm feeling slightly better today. I think we're going with choice number 1 -- not the closest in looks, but close in personality. When given the choice between the two, we think we're rather have our kids fit in personality wise more than looks wise. When T and I talked about adoption, T's biggest fear was not identifying with the kid's personality. I think this choice reduces that fear for T. I have printed out the paperwork from the bank so that we can get started.

I went to my career counselor today. I sort of freaked out and told her that I need a short term job solution, not a long term one. I have too much going on to try and spend time figuring out what to do with my life. My attention span is shot. I don't have energy to focus on my ideal job. My energy is focused elsewhere right now. I just want to do some concrete work, though I decided that being a cashier probably isn't the best idea when I might get pregnant. I was thinking of doing law dictophone work (thanks to a suggestion from LIW), but I am afraid of sitting at home and drowning in sadness and the unknown. I do much better when I am around other people and busy talking to them. We did some work on my resume and she helped me a bit with my cover letters. I found one job that I will apply to, but I need to look for more. I look and look and look and I don't seem to find anything I feel like I can do right now. I think she's going to help me with that too.

So, I guess our donor is chosen. We need to work on the paperwork to get this moving. I'm starting to go part time in a week and a half. Things are changing, and I hope it's for the better.

I feel frozen

We're back from our mini vacation. It was definitely nice to get away, and the weather was beautiful. We ate lots of food and ice cream, and we relaxed. We saw some birds and did a lot of reading, and of course I did a bunch of crafting. Needless to say, we are not excited about returning to work tomorrow.

We are still feeling sad, on and off. We are still trying to choose a donor, but we are having trouble. We didn't think too much about it this weekend, but upon arriving home I wanted to look at our candidates again. While looking, I just decided I didn't like any of them. I am on the mailing list for a "donor sibling registry" discussion group, and there is so much negativity on there, it's really freaking me out. Donor conceived children are complaining about their origins. Single mothers by choice are freaking out about their choice to bring a child into the world. People are complaining about the sperm banks and their screening processes. People have had experiences with samples having low sperm counts. I can go on. It's really depressing me. I feel like I need to stop reading all of this, but I can't. I want as much information as I can get so I can be prepared. This is just so hard. How do I choose the genes that are going to replace my husband's?

We purchased audio interviews of our top 3 candidates and we listened to them again today. I guess they're not so bad. We have 2 top candidates. I think our #1 candidate doesn't look that much like T, but it seems his personality is more like T's, we think. The #2 candidate looks a bit more like T, I think, but has a few personality traits that are pretty different. I just don't know how we're going to do this. How are we going to decide? Are we supposed to just close our eyes and point?

I need to contact the sperm bank so that we can work out our paperwork. I don't want to miss an opportunity for a cycle. But we need to decide first. Though, both our candidates are at one specific bank -- we haven't been able to find anyone we like at a different sperm bank. The UIs (user interface -- the way the searches work) is so different for each bank, and we have ended up finding this bank the most user friendly. It seems that we are looking for different characteristics than most other people. Hair and eye color and ethnicity are not the most important characteristics for us. It is difficult to wade through to find the information we want.

And in the end, no one is T and no one is good enough. We keep second guessing ourselves and our decisions that took us to this place. We have read recently that IVF fertilization favors unhealthy embryos in people with genetic disorders, so we are wondering if we should have just had sex with multiple follicles to see if we could get lucky that way. I know it's unreasonable to think this way, but we feel frozen, like we can't move on and can't decide.

This is so hard. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. We're still not sure about where we are going to do the insemination. Our current clinic charges more than twice as much as the one where there is all that red tape. I still think we can try at home, but I haven't brought it up with T again. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I can't go forward. I want to have a baby with my husband. I don't know what to do.

Thinking

Now that we know we have to choose a donor, the question is how. How do I choose the man whose sperm is going to replace my husbands?

Height, weight, eye and hair color?
Aptitude for math?
Shy but loving?
Blood type and family history?

We can't have everything. What should we sacrifice and what should we insist upon?

Before talking to our RE for follow up, I was sure we would go to one of the AI clinics for insemination. But the process is pretty insane, and I'm not sure if I have the patience for it. I want to do an insemination in about 6 weeks. I have already charted. In fact, I got pregnant three times via charting. We are well educated about this process. We have had every test imaginable, and we just want to move forward. So, after exploring the possibilities, I now want to try insemination from home for at least one cycle. T is not so enthusiastic about this idea. However, I am hoping to change his mind. I want to try one cycle -- just one -- from home. If that doesn't work, then we can go do something more intensive. We have been pregnant on the first try THREE times directly after me going off the pill. I will start the pill as soon as I start bleeding, so I just don't see why we can't do it our way one time. I understand why it leaves a bad taste in T's mouth, but he saw my embryo transfer, and lying there on the table with four people in the room and me spread-eagle and naked from the waist down seems something to avoid if I can.

I have a few 'favorites' from the sperm banks, but T and I have yet to go over them together. we should do that soon because there are bunches of paperwork to take care of before we can have the sperm in our (or the clinic's) grubby little hands.

This is still feeling overwhelming, but I am so eager to leave the depression behind and get the family stuff moving forward. This pain will be reduced when a baby is on the way. I have posted on a donor sperm site, and many have reached out to support me. I appreciate that. They remind me that what is important is that we will love our children more than we can imagine, and that most of the time we won't even think about the donor issue. I know that is true, but I still feel like we have to climb over an emotional hurdle to get there.

This will be my last post for a while. Happy Independence Day to my US friends. We are off to watch fireworks tonight, tomorrow I am visiting E and baby S (he turned 1 yesterday) and then I will have lunch with the lovely LIW. Then, Thursday night we are taking the ferry to Martha's Vineyard and won't be back until Monday night. I may be able to post from the Vineyard, my parents will be around and they don't know about my blog (and I don't want them to), so we shall see.

beta

As expected, my beta came back negative.

We feel bad. Not depressed per se, but kind of like we don't want to do anything because we don't really see the point. We sit and we know we have things to do, but we have no inner motivation to do anything. I left work a little early, but T, bless his heart, stayed. He always says he can't leave because he has so much to do. While I have no doubts that he does have so much to do, I think he deserves a break, especially on a day such as today.

We are going to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. We're taking Friday and Monday off of work. We will be with my parents (which is fine with me, but may bother T a little bit), but it's still better than sitting at home.

T bought an iPhone for himself this weekend. He really loves it, and yesterday it made him smile a lot. But I somehow doubt he'll be smiling when he comes home today. We think we might go out to dinner and drink some wine.

I feel like this post doesn't really convey how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm writing in this very matter-of-fact manner. And I'm sort of trying to approach this thing in a matter-of-fact way because what else can I do? This is my reality. It's what I have to deal with. My children will not be genetically related to my husband. My children will have half-siblings scattered around the country, possibly the world. The sperm of some man who is not my husband will swim around in my uterus.

I know that once I am pregnant (if such a thing will really happen -- lurking in this world has made me pretty skeptical) that we will be happy, and once we have a baby this won't weigh so heavy, but right now I am feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and my husband. This sucks. I am devastated.