Almost another 2ww

I should ovulate soon, so it's almost time for another 2ww. I don't think I could be more ambivelent. Of course, I didn't sleep well last night, though I'm unsure why. T and I went up to New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee with my family this weekend. It was my Dad's birthday, and we sat by the lake on the beach, relaxed, ate dinner and relaxed some more. It was really, really nice to get away. It make T and I realize how much we need to go away for an extended period of time. We're going to go to Oregon to see his mom and go to the retirement party for someone T used to work with, which will be nice, but staying at his Mom's house isn't quite as relaxing as renting a little cottage for a week would be. But we gotta do what we gotta do. We just put a down payment on getting a new roof for the house which will fix the leak and hopefully take care of the evil squirrels, so funds are limited.

I did manage to call the IVF place to try and get our initial testing set up. I have new insurance since taking my new job and I need a new referral so that the tests can be covered. I will call the IVF place back on Wednesday if I don't hear from them, and then we will set up T's semen analysis and my FSH or whatever. I guess if I suspect I might be pregnant then we'll just have to postpone my part of the testing for a bit. But that's at least 2 weeks away, right?

I have decided that if I suspect I'm pregnant that I will pee on a stick this time. I was afraid to before, but this time I want some confirmation of my suspicions, or else something to tell me that I'm completely insane. But I'll know definitively one way or another.

Our fridge still hasn't been fixed. In 9 days from now, we are going to demand a brand new fridge immediately. Our lives feel so ridiculous sometimes.

Hump Day?

Not literally, though. ;)

Things are still crazy here on Henry Street. The fridge is still broken, but we have the backup so we're eating in. I got my hair cut today. It felt good. T is out with his co-workers seeing Superman and going out to dinner. I am home fighting with squirrels and writing this. We bought some pepper oil infused stuff that's supposed to keep the squirrels away. I threw it down the walls yesterday, and the squirrel was very unhappy. I was banging and making lots of noise to scare it away first, but it just stared at me. I found that incredibly terrifying. Then I just threw the pepper stuff right at it and it ran out. T saw him on the top of the roof itching and rubbing. Today I threw some down there and all I could here was a deep growl sort of noise when I threw it down there. I don't know what that means. We want the squirrel to leave. We're going to get a new roof on our house, and we're hoping the roofers can get rid of the squirrels. T is confident, but I feel king of skeptical about it. I truly hope it works, but I think squirrels are pesky. The cats have been useless in scaring them away. Stupid cats.

I have a conference on Thursday and Friday, so I sort of will have a little time off. I'm looking forward to it. I will probably get out early on Friday, so maybe T and I will go see a movie. Saturday morning we're leaving to go to NH to a house my brother and sister-in-law rented. It's my Dad's birthday, so we're going to go for 2 days and one night. I have to make rice krispy squares.

I didn't get home til late and didn't make dinner, so I'm waiting for T to bring me home leftovers.

Thanks to those who sent encouraging words about our battles to come. My fertile time is going to arrive again reasonably soon, so we'll see what happens this month. We still need to call the IVF place. T is taking Friday off, so maybe he'll call. He still needs a SA and I still need that day three HSG or whatever that test is. I refuse to stop ttc while all of this is happening, though. Will that affect the test if AF is actually a very early miscarriage? I'm certain that's what happened last month.

I hope everybody is doing okay. I'm not being good about keeping up with blogs lately.

Still going

Our fridge is still on the fritz, so we have been calling to get it repaired instead of calling about the insurance and IVF stuff. Happily, my brother and sister-in-law recently redid their kitchen and they had an extra fridge sitting in their yard. They have a brand new mini-van as well, so they brought it over this morning. I couple hours of cleaning later (good bye mildew) we have a working fridge in the basement!! Yay!! We bought some food and we grilled for dinner! It was the greatest. Hopefully our actual fridge will be fixed soon.

We've been feeling up and down lately. We're so busy, though, we don't really have time to be sad. I want things to slow down. I'm enjoying my new job, but I feel like I don't have time to relax. We are in need of a vacation, but it's difficult to imagine when I will be able to take one. It was a huge mistake on my part to not take a vacation before starting my new job, but I felt such pressure to start. We really need to get away. T has over 100 hours of vacation saved up. He's stressed out to the max. I'm stressed out to the max. We have to make ourselves take some time off, but I don't have any. T's going to take at least one day of this week, though. I think that's good.

I haven't talked to E since she's been home by herself. I should give her a call. I hung out with my friend S, and she's having some trouble with R. I'm kind of worried about them as a couple. I'm really wishing the best for them. It makes me sad to think that they're having trouble together.

I have to do some work. I'm giving a powerpoint presentation on Tuesday at work, and I don't have time at work to work on it, so I brought it home. Nothing like 9:00 on a Sunday to do some work. Though T is sitting in the living room doing work, so what the hell.

We really need a vacation.

The catharsis of blogging (and therapy)

So we had a hell of a therapy session this morning. I cried through 3/4 of it, I think. We were talking about IVF. We were talking about how it might be time to get the ball rolling with the IVF thing. Part of what we talked about was getting the money for IVF from my parents. It could be a gift from them. It could be a loan from them. I'm very, very, very hesitant to take the money from my parents. They have offered us the money, and they could afford to give it to us, but it doesn't feel right to me. So instead, we are going to have to get the insurance companies to pay for it. They're certainly not going to volunteer for it, as so many of you know. But we have the advantage of living in Massachusetts where fertility coverage is generous. And T and I think with a bit of work on our side, we could get the coverage. So while we keep trying, we're going to work on getting coverage.

I guess I still haven't come to terms (is that an inappropriate pun?) with IVF. I read so many of your blogs out there, and see all of you be strong and go through it. I even see you getting excited to start your injections. And then there are the truly lucky ones for whom IVF has created a viable pregnancy and a baby. It happens. But I can't seem to deal with the idea of IVF. I know I need to get over myself and make it happen. But I'm terrified of it. I have been told that I will get used to it, and that it becomes sort of like a second job. I'm not terribly scared of needles or medical procedures in general. But I just can't make IVF feel right. Regardless, I'm still willing to go through with it. I will certainly give it a try. But I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited about the fight with the insurance companies. I'm not excited about the huge shipment of meds or the side effects of the medication or the egg extraction or even the implantation. I just feel like none of the embryos will make it far along enough. Or that one or two might, and it just won't work.

Maybe I'm mostly afraid of 'wasting' the money. I'm generally quite a frugal person. I research and find the best deal. Sometimes I'm willing to spend more to get a quality product. But because there is no guarantee with this IVF it doesn't sit well. $15,000 is a lot of money without a guaranteed product.

So I'm mulling all of this around in my head. I'm wondering how we're going to make all of the necessary phone calls when T has a cubicle and I share my office with another person who has recently made a completely insensitive comment about IVF right in front of me, even after I told her about our issues. She's not the smartest person in the world, though, so maybe she didn't put two and two together. That wouldn't surprise me. I don't know how we're going to get this all done, but I guess we're going to have to.

The wait is over

AF has arrived and I'm no longer obsessing about my bbt. It dropped this morning to below my cover line, and I knew my wait was over. In my estimation I'm 2 days late. I didn't confirm a pg, so I don't know if this counts as a m/c. I'm not sure it matters, except for trying to get insurance coverage. I'm pretty disappointed, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I found out through E that our friend A who had been having trouble is at 10 weeks now. I hope things continue to go well for her, but I can't say I'm not jealous.

So I'm kind of just sad now.

Still waiting

Still no signs of AF yet, but my bbt dipped slightly again. So it's been steadily down for the last three days. I realize this most likely means things will be over soon. I didn't POAS because I wasn't sure what point there would be in it. I still feel like I have some pg signs. I figured if I POAS I'd probably get a BFP only to bleed in a few days, so I'm still sitting here in limbo, waiting. I figured if AF doesn't show up I can always POAS tomorrow.

I'm really anal about my temperatures, and this morning I took a bbt when I first woke up (really early -- about 5:20) and it was low. I peed (but not on a stick) and then went back to sleep. I slept for about an hour and a half and decided to take my temp again (told ya I'm anal) and it was high. I know this isn't an accurate bbt, but it leaves me wondering a little.

I should probably POAS and just get this all over with, but I really think I'm just going to start AF really soon and we'll just have to try again this month.

This is so agonizing, and after seeing E&R's baby yesterday and about to be on our way to see the high school man's 2 children, I'm feeling a bit down. So much for a relaxing weekend.

We have to go out to eat again because our fridge still doesn't work. And with eating out so much, T & I have gained at least 5 lbs each.

Haven't POAS yet

No AF as of yet, and I still have sore b**bs and I can feel some weird stuff in the uterus, but my bbt has dropped the last two days. It hasn't droped a ton like last month, but I'm kind of skeptical. We'll see what happens tomorrow. If it drops more, I'm considering this month a lost cause. If it goes up, I'm going to POAS. I am so ambivalent about this process. If I get a BFP, I don't really know what that means. Should I stop taking my bbt? I obsess about every little dip. But I will obsess about every twinge, every bit of soreness and any other possible sign there is. I wish there were a way to sort of ignore all of this, but there isn't. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

And of course this is a weekend full of kids. We haven't seen E&R&babyS since the hospital, so we're going to drop by for a visit. Then a friend (ex-boyfriend, actually) from high school is in town and T & I are going to go see him, his wife and his two kids. I think he has daughters. One's maybe 3ish and one is just 1, I think. So no getting away from the idea of kids this weekend.

We saw R&J, good friends of T last night. I wasn't drinking, and J asked why. I explained, and talked about T's bt. It's funny how much easier that has become over time. I can talk about it in a mostly matter of fact way. I can list my miscarriages and the percentages without even coming close to shedding a tear. Yes, as I chart my bbt every morning, my heart rises and sinks with every .1 degree increase or decrease. This is a difficult thing.

If it's not one thing, it's another

Our fridge died. It's less than a year old, and let me tell you I am pissed! The food is just starting to go bad. I took the 'valuable' food and put in some ice in a cooler, and now all our refrigerated food is in a cooler on the kitchen floor. We woke up yesterday morning and there was an error on the display. We called the customer service number, and they referred us to repair people in RI. We told them it was too far away, but they insisted. I called RI and they said they won't come up to our part of MA. So I had to call customer service again and get a new repair service. Luckily this fridge is still on warranty. Someone's coming on Wednesdsay to fix it. In the meantime, we may go buy a mini-fridge and keep it in the garage. We had talked about doing that anyway. Actually, we were more interested in getting a chest freezer, but necessity dictates. Whatever. I'm angry about it.

T has to work today, so I'm at home alone. I had such plans to do all sorts of housework, but now I'm obsessing about the fridge and getting a lot less done than I had anticipated. After I blog this out of my system, though, I'm going to get started.

Things are going okay. I'm doing okay. The visit to the hospital went pretty well. I get a little sad now and again. Trying to talk to E is difficult, though, since a billion people are calling her and she's busy with the baby. The baby is S, but a different S than I had originally thought. It's a nice name. He now has a name, and it suits him. I gave the presents. I held him. He was so little. Now that the baby is here I feel a little like I'm losing my friends, but I'm going to work like hell to make sure that doesn't happen.

Meanwhile, I'm almost done with week 1 of my 2ww. My boobs are a little sore which is potentially a positive sign. But I've been having morning insomnia lately, so my bbts aren't that high. I mean, they're not so low it's worrysome, but it's not exactly steadily climbing the way it had during my previous BFPs. But, in reality they're really not different than any cycle at this point. 6 dpo, the bbts all look the same, generally. So I'm just still waiting. Sometimes I feel excited or hopeful, but I'm trying to keep myself in check. I just don't want to moon over a BFP. I want to remain indifferent. It's just very difficult. I feel like a BFP is basically meaningless, but there's always that, "You never know," aspect to the whole thing. It's frustrating. And sad.

So, I think I'm going to cook some eggs since I'm hungry and they didn't fit into the cooler. They'll go bad if they don't get eaten, so I might as well use some of them up. I was going to put some cheese in them, but I don't think I'm going to dig in the cooler for it. Plain eggs for me. Maybe I'll fry them or something.

The baby is here

We got a call at 8:45 yesterday morning and the baby has arrived. He's a boy. He doesn't have a name yet. T and I are going to go to the hospital later this morning and see E & R and their new arrival. I'm feeling mostly okay about all of this, though it is terribly surreal. I mean, I just can't believe that they're parents and they have a kid now. They're the first people in my close group of friends to have a baby, and I have to admit that it is freaking me out just a little. T is a bit more saddened than me about the whole thing, I think. But we'll go to the hospital and visit, and then we'll go to the fireworks by ourselves.

E's labor was quick and easy, as far as labor goes. She had no pain meds and things went quite smoothly. She woke up in the middle of the night and her water broke, and by the time she got to the hospital she was 4 1/2 cm dilated. The baby was born at about 7:45, He was a week 'early' but he weighed almost 8 lbs and was 20+ inches, so he's a big boy.

That's the big news for this holiday weekend. I hope we see some good fireworks.

Long weekend

Yesterday we bought food because we hadn't gone food shopping in two weeks. T has a membership to C*stco, so we buy stuff there all the time. T is obsessed with having 12 weeks of food in the house in case of a bird flu epidemic. It's making me slightly crazy. We bought 8 cans of baked beans yesterday. We were going to have a can with the hotdogs we grilled for dinner last night (yum!) but we forgot. We have to put up more shelves in the basement to fit all the food T insists in keeping in the house.

I don't have to work until Monday. I'm very excited about this fact, but it seems that the weekend is going by quite quickly. We bought me some new clothes for my new job. I think T is the only person who I can go clothes shopping with because he has a pretty good eye and he doesn't make me linger in the store when I'm ready to leave. I really don't like clothes shopping. Except shoes. I love shoe shopping.

We have tentative plans to see fireworks in a nearby town (not the huge Boston celebration which is overly crowded) with E & R. We're going to a place near to where E is giving birth in case the fireworks induce labor. She told me that she's having contractions a lot -- like every 4 to 6 minutes, but that they're not strong, and she wasn't really dilated at her last Doctor appointment. She has another one Monday, and the fireworks are Tuesday, so we'll know more then. I'm a little impressed that she's going out so much despite her readiness. I'm assuming theyll bring a chair for her to sit in because there's no way she's sitting on the ground. I've stiched in my personal labels on the sweater and the blanket I made for the baby and they're all wrapped up and ready to be given. I'm still not feeling sad, and I'm even feeling a little excited. But I'm also feeling a little jealous. And that makes me a little sad. But in general T & I are doing okay, I think.

I should have ovulated by today, but my bbt isn't as high as I would like it to be. So I'm not sure what's going on. I've usually had 3+ fertile days, but it seems like my fertile time was 4+
days this cycle. I hope we had good timing this month. I suppose I'm into another 2ww starting now.

T and I are ready for coffee and breakfast.

Not much new

I'm not blogging as much because not much is new and I've been so busy. My new job is definitely keeping me on my toes, and I'm still going one night a week to my old job on top of it. It seems like lately we've been busy after work almost every day. Tonight's the first night where we've mellowed out with not much to do. Actually, last night wasn't busy either, but I've entered my fertile time and we had other stuff to do. Mr. T is reading over my shoulder and wants me to mention the lovely chicken that we grilled last night. I used a dry rub with seasonings from our favorite place Penzey's. It was Northwoods Seasoning with extra garlic powder and chipotle chili. Super good. And I grilled it just perfectly, so the chicken was yummy and juicy. I steamed some kale as well, and put some olive oil and garlic on that. Mr. T (who despises this moniker) even ate the kale. Tonight we had chard with butter and garlic. He thought it tasted like dirt. I prefer kale myself, but the chard was pretty good too. The tofu I made sucked, in my opinion. I made a jerk barbecue sauce. T didn't think it was so bad, but I kind of disliked it. The last time we used the jerk seasoning it came out crappy too. I need some help with the jerk seasoning.

Anyway, I don't have to work Monday, so I get a nice, long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. We're back in regular ttc mode, and we're starting to take bets on when E has her baby. T thinks it will be sooner, and I think it will be on her due date or later. Who knows.

I'm pretty grumpy, but I'm not sure why. I have an 8 am meeting tomorrow, and I have to get up stupidly early. But at least I'm keeping myself busy. It's definitely helping me not be sad. Things are moving forward. Plants are growing. I can't believe it's almost July.

Trying to calm down

As I said, things have been non-stop lately. Friday night while Mr. T was away, my friends S&R came over and we grilled dinner. It was nice to have them in the kitchen watching the baseball game and just generally being informal.

Mr. T made it safely to and back from SF, CA in less than 48 hours. It was hellish for him. I picked him up at the airport at 10 am, he came back and napped for two hours and we went of to my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. He was so tired that he was making up songs in the car. It was fun. There was a cookout and we had clams and lobster and clam chowder. Yum! I played croquet with my neices and nephew and frisbee with just my nephew. There were tons of kids there, but I managed to not feel that bad. There was one 17-month-old who was just so cute, and even Mr. T was able to smile at his bouncy cuteness. Neither of us felt too bad, which was great. There was only one awkward moment when a friend of my brother (the mother of the 17-month-old) who had borrowed my neice's crib offered to give it to us. I tried to blow off the question, but it came up again. I just nodded briefly and moved on. It didn't come up again, and I still managed to not get sad, so I'm pleased.

After Mr. T slept 12 hours and I slept 10, we had brunch with E&R. She has only about 2 weeks to go. She's looking really huge. She's a very skinny woman, and I thought I could even see it in her face. Her ankles and feet are swelling, and it's been really humid which probably makes it even worse. But I didn't feel sad seeing her today, either. And even thinking about the baby isn't bumming me out much right now. That's a good thing. I'm not sure what's different right now, but I shouldn't question it. I finished the little sweater I knitted for the baby. I have to sew my personal tag in there so it will be ready. I have a sweater and a blanket with a matching hat for the baby. All made by me! I'm feeling good that I'm feeling okay these days.

Tomorrow we are meeting with our therapist again. Mr. T went by himself last week. He told me he talked about some heavy family stuff, some of which I know about and some of which I don't. I would have liked to have been there for him, but my weird-ass job got in the way. I let my boss know I was going to be a little late on Mondays, and that I would arrive around 9:30 or so. She wanted to know how I would make up the time. I'm a salaried worker, and I came to about 5 hours of meetings that I was not compensated for before I even started. I felt totally nickled and dimed by that. It's that kind of stuff that scares me about the micro-managing thing. But so much shit is going to go down in the next week that I'm just going to have to hold off talking about it until later. I hope I didn't make the wrong decision.

My garden is looking lovely these days. I have four clematis blossoms, my yarrow is blooming and my morning glories are climbing the trellis. And the strawberries are going bonkers. I finally have some old pictures of my potted stuff that I'll post.



This is the yarrow. It's now about a foot taller and has tiny purplish flowers with white centers.



Here is the strawberry. It's at least double the size now.



These are my morning glories when they just sprouted. As I said, they're really going and are almost halfway up the trellis now.




These are my spices, which don't look like this anymore, either. The cilantro on the left is now coriander with white blossoms. It's so huge that it's falling over. The basil there is sad from all of the rain. It's come back, and I bought another plant so that it makes up for the stuff that died in the rain. In the front is the Greek oregano, which is growing up big as well. We put some oregano and basil on the pizza Mr. T and I made for dinner tonight.

That's it for now. I hope you had a nice weekend.

La Vida Loca

For some reason, I'm starting to get paranoid about this blog being discovered. I want to talk about work stuff, but I don't want people at work finding this. I'm going to start calling my beloved husband Mr. T. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about previous posts yet.

Things have been so crazy around here. Mr. T is crazy busy at work, and he's en route to San Francisco for a 48 hour stay. That's a lot of flying in a short period of time. So I'm by myself for a couple of nights. Luckily I have plans tomorrow night with S. We always have fun on our girls' night out.

My new job is crazy. I think it will turn out to be good in the end, but right now things are simply insane. One person is going to be sacked. I'm not sure how another is going to react to that firing. The way things are organized for half of the data we collect is completely insane, and has never been revamped. I can't even begin to explain how convoluted it is. It can be fixed, but there is data that hasn't been entered and the only way to get it entered is the convoluted way. And my new boss is scaring me because she's acting micro-manage-y. That is one thing that I absolutely cannot deal with. I cannot be micro-managed. I will quit if I am. But I feel like I can't talk to her about it until a bunch of this crazy stuff is over. Plus, I'm still working part time at my old job. Oh, and we went to the Red Sox game on Monday. My first day at my new job.

Oh, and I still don't have a computer at my new job. I've been schlepping my laptop to work on the subway. Not tomorrow, though. I'll use my officemate's. She doesn't work on Fridays.

Needless to say, I haven't had time to blog, be sad, be happy, be angry, be anything. I'm simply exhausted. I hope everything is okay with you folks out there. I haven't had time to check on anybody, either.

Maybe next week will be better. Happy thoughts to you all!

Father's Day

I'm officially not pregnant. AF started this morning. At this point it's a good thing because I drank myself silly last night. I have discovered a wonderful recipe for an alcoholic raspberry lime rickey, and it's delicious. Had a tall one of them and a whole lot more. Mr. T's friend S, her husband G, and their roommate, C (who works for Mr. T) had a party. It was fun. We stayed out late and drank and talked and laughed and smiled. I enjoyed myself.

Why is it that S&G have a roommate, you ask? Well, the answer is twofold. One is practical. It's cheaper and they travel a lot so it's nice to have someone who can take care of the house when they're gone. C also has a girlfriend so he's often at her house. Now for the interesting reason.

S&G had a floor to themselves for really cheap in a great location in Cambridge. C moved in from out of town and took an extra room on a different floor. Then the landlord started hanging around. He was using C's soap (from the soap dish), and C asked him nicely if he wouldn't do that, and offered a fresh bar of soap to the landlord. Landlord freaked out an told him that he was going to have to move. That blew over, but landlord's behavior got worse. He started letting himself into locked rooms. He was walking around naked. He was snorting flour (as if it were c*caine) off the counters. He propositioned the married, pregnant downstairs neighbor. He stole the downstairs neighbor's dog. He left an envelope with S's name on it on the stairs. In it was 15 cents, a picture of an astronaut and a stamp. It was time to leave, but they were afraid to give any sort of notice due to the bizarre behaviors. (Apparently landlord went off his meds.)

So, G had to go to Europe for work for about a month. He couldn't help with any of this. S&C went looking and found a very nice apartment and rented it, but it wouldn't be available for another week. It was decided they could store most of their stuff in our garage. They got all of their friends together. They packed up in the middle of the night, and together we moved all of their stuff into our garage. It took just under 2 hours. They stayed with friends for a bit, and then they moved into the new apartment.

Last night was their housewarming party. Yay new house!

Today we're going to my parents' house for Father's Day. My brothers are going to play golf. It's 90 and humid here in the metro-Boston area. Ugh.

I'm off to sew the zipper into the sweater I made for E&R's baby. I tried sewing it in before, but the zipper I bought was too small, so I had to go back to the fabric store and get a new one. This one better work.

Feeling sad

Today is a day of change. Though I know I am doing the right thing by leaving this job, I am feeling sad. Sad because here on my last day I will sit in my office with no windows by myself, like I do every day. Now, I shouldn't be sad because in my new job I share my office with someone and there are two HUGE windows. But I also realize that even though I am earmarked for a supervisory position in my new job, when I begin my job I am taking a position that is exactly the same as the 22-year-old who graduated college in May. I have a Master's degree and 10 years of working experience, and we have the same job. I'm sure I make more money than she does, but that's not the point. I find that frustrating. I hope in 6 months that I'm not in the same place. And the woman who is my boss, who started off so soft-spoken and kind, is scaring me a little with her expectations. We have a work reading group where we have to do presentations from chapters in a clinical book, she wants us to take classes in clinical research, and there is pressure to be in at 7:30 in the morning for meetings and whatnot. That last one is the one that pisses me off the most. I can handle learning about the doctor's specialty, and I just finished my biostats class so perhaps I am exempt from having to take a class. I'm just not sure why I have to suffer because she chooses to live in the lame suburbs.

I'm also sad because my temp was down again today. I told myself that I didn't want to be pg this month with the new job and all, but I realize that I was fooling myself. I want nothing more than to have a baby on the way. This also means that I will not be pg when E has her baby. When E gives birth, I will most likely be in the midst of the next 2ww. Plus it is father's day on Sunday and we will be getting together with my family, and no doubt Mr. T will be sad. I am sad when Mr. T is sad.

Tonight Mr. T and I are going out to celebrate my last day at work. It's my choice. I'm thinking I want fried clams, but I could rethink my choice and get steamers instead.

Less optimistic

My bbt plummeted this morning. I'm no longer feeling confident about this cycle. We shall see what happens tomorrow.

10dpo

I have a headache. Again. I'm also exhausted. Again. Last night I went to bed around ten before ten. The Sox went into extra innings (and lost spectacularly, apparently) and Mr. T stayed up to watch the end. He came to bed around midnight, which of course woke me up. I then couldn't fall back asleep. We started talking a little. He drifted off, but I was tossing and turning. Somehow this turned into a huge fight, at least for us. I was having trouble sleeping because I couldn't stop myself from worrying, mostly about work. He said, "Just stop!" I determined that this was not particularly helpful, and it escalated from there. He fell asleep, but I went and watched HGTV for an hour or so. I went to sleep pretty angry, which I heard is not a good thing to do. It's probably true because I woke up angry. We talked a bit about it in the morning, and Mr. T said he realized he wasn't being particularly helpful, but when he wakes up from just starting to fall asleep he gets incredibly cranky. I have seen that before, but it didn't turn into the monstrosity that came up last night. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm not sure we got to that point, but things are more back to normal now. Also, my being most likely particularly hormonal isn't helping the situation either.

This has led me to worry more about the new job. At my current job, I'm totally left alone all the time. I usually like this. I like to be given a few tasks, and then to be left on my own to complete them, with a person around to answer reference questions if need be. I explained this in my interview. Right now I feel like I'm a student being told exactly what to do, and I don't even start working until Monday. Part of this is hormones and part of it is just culture shock, I'm sure. But I hope it calms down soon. I didn't expect to be reacting this way so quickly with my new job. I knew it was going to be a change, but I guess I'm simply starting to see people's true colors. Mr. T is trying to convince me that it will settle down and promises that I didn't make the wrong decision, but it's difficult for me to completely believe this right now. I'm also thinking that I should have taken a week off in between jobs, but I felt strong pressure to start soon.

Sometimes I worry that I always make the toughest choices for myself. But I had strong support all around for this new job. The old one wasn't working anymore, and I needed something new. This is all probably new job jitters, and things will smooth out soon enough.

Tired and hungry

I think I might be pg. I know I said I thought the timing wasn't right, but I think I was wrong. My bbts are up, I had an implantation dip, my boobs are sore, and I'm more hungry and tired than usual. I feel horrible writing 'infertility' in the subtitle of my blog because clearly, we aren't 'infertile'. It's just that every time we get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will miscarry (or have a baby that will be severely ill or die within a few days of being born). There exists the possibility that we will have a healthy baby. There is also a chance that our healthy baby will have to go through this exact same tormenting process when he or she tries to have a baby. But, in light of recent events, infertility isn't the right word. Does anybody have a better word for me?

I will POAS this coming weekend. I feel like I should feel lucky that I so easily get pregnant and that we might be having a baby, but I am feeling quite ambivalent. I can't get attached to this pregnancy until I know it's a healthy one, and I won't know that until they can do a CVS which is around 11 weeks. So we'll see how long this lasts. I know I don't know 'officially' that I'm pg yet, but I just know that I am right now, and even if AF comes at the regular time, I know from my body signs that there was fertilization this cycle.

So I had another meeting at my new job today. It was intense. My new boss wanted to have a weekly meeting at 7:30 am. There is a monthly 7:30 meeting that I agreed to right off the bat, but I just can't do that on a weekly basis. I rely on Mr. T for a ride to the subway in the morning, and I just think it's asking a lot to expect me to leave my house before 7. In addition to that, I got some homework. I have to read a clinical book and create a powerpoint presentation about one of the chapters. At least that stuff doesn't start until after I actually start. As perhaps you can tell, I was feeling a little bit scared about the new job today. I already have three additional work assignments in addition to the powerpoint presentation, and I haven't even had my first day yet! But at least I won't be bored, and my new officemate seems really nice. Can't go back now! Full speed ahead!

Who am I?

I found these silly surveys online and decided to take a few to see how they came out. The ones I felt were inaccurate or too stupid I didn't put up, but here are a few I thought were okay.

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

You Are 44% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind. You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

You Are 52% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating. You don't give up. You're committed and brave. Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle. Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog. You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods. You also value honesty and fairness a great deal. You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding. You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Rain, Rain, go away!

It is rainy and cold again here in the delightful northeast. I slept extra late because it was so dark. I had a weird dream that I got a huge Spiderman tatoo on my shoulder and upper arm, and I really hated it. When I wore short sleeves, Spidey was still visible and I was so pissed at myself for getting that tatoo. Then I had another dream later that night where I told my dad that I dreamed I had a spiderman tatoo, and how I was pissed because it was still visible in short sleeves. How very meta.

T and I are off to go have breakfast out (his favorite thing to do) and then do errands. We're going to look at ranges since when we went last weekend the store had already closed. We have run out of cream for coffee, which is why we're so motivated to go out. I have actually weaned myself off of the coffee since we're ttc again, but he is still very addicted. We just love coffee. We're coffee snobs, actually. We have our coffee shipped to us from Portland, OR. I know, it's totally insane. We bulk order it and keep it in the freezer.

We will also go food shopping, and possible look for some clothes for me, but I'm not sure I'm in the mood. We decided to not shower, and I am trying to calk the tub/shower in our bathroom because it's not sealed very well. This is my third attempt. So I may feel too dirty to try on new clothes. We really need to redo the bathroom, but since we need a new roof and we need to paint the outside of the house, I really don't see it happening any time soon.

I'm feeling paranoid about the pg thing now, too. I'm so obsessive, it even bothers me. I do bbts, and the way the pattern is going, I think I could be pg. And I keep thinking that my boobs hurt. But it also could just totally be in my head. I want to be pregnant (read: stay pregnant) so badly, but part of me wants one more month because of the job switch thingy. But then I think, if I am lucky enough to get a healthy pregnancy, then all of that worry and stuff will quickly melt away. That is the thing that I want the most, so I should simply ignore that other stuff and just do what I need to do. As T always tells me, it will all work out in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a worrier! I guess it's a good thing we have an appointment to see a therapist on Tuesday.