Long weekend

Yesterday we bought food because we hadn't gone food shopping in two weeks. T has a membership to C*stco, so we buy stuff there all the time. T is obsessed with having 12 weeks of food in the house in case of a bird flu epidemic. It's making me slightly crazy. We bought 8 cans of baked beans yesterday. We were going to have a can with the hotdogs we grilled for dinner last night (yum!) but we forgot. We have to put up more shelves in the basement to fit all the food T insists in keeping in the house.

I don't have to work until Monday. I'm very excited about this fact, but it seems that the weekend is going by quite quickly. We bought me some new clothes for my new job. I think T is the only person who I can go clothes shopping with because he has a pretty good eye and he doesn't make me linger in the store when I'm ready to leave. I really don't like clothes shopping. Except shoes. I love shoe shopping.

We have tentative plans to see fireworks in a nearby town (not the huge Boston celebration which is overly crowded) with E & R. We're going to a place near to where E is giving birth in case the fireworks induce labor. She told me that she's having contractions a lot -- like every 4 to 6 minutes, but that they're not strong, and she wasn't really dilated at her last Doctor appointment. She has another one Monday, and the fireworks are Tuesday, so we'll know more then. I'm a little impressed that she's going out so much despite her readiness. I'm assuming theyll bring a chair for her to sit in because there's no way she's sitting on the ground. I've stiched in my personal labels on the sweater and the blanket I made for the baby and they're all wrapped up and ready to be given. I'm still not feeling sad, and I'm even feeling a little excited. But I'm also feeling a little jealous. And that makes me a little sad. But in general T & I are doing okay, I think.

I should have ovulated by today, but my bbt isn't as high as I would like it to be. So I'm not sure what's going on. I've usually had 3+ fertile days, but it seems like my fertile time was 4+
days this cycle. I hope we had good timing this month. I suppose I'm into another 2ww starting now.

T and I are ready for coffee and breakfast.

Not much new

I'm not blogging as much because not much is new and I've been so busy. My new job is definitely keeping me on my toes, and I'm still going one night a week to my old job on top of it. It seems like lately we've been busy after work almost every day. Tonight's the first night where we've mellowed out with not much to do. Actually, last night wasn't busy either, but I've entered my fertile time and we had other stuff to do. Mr. T is reading over my shoulder and wants me to mention the lovely chicken that we grilled last night. I used a dry rub with seasonings from our favorite place Penzey's. It was Northwoods Seasoning with extra garlic powder and chipotle chili. Super good. And I grilled it just perfectly, so the chicken was yummy and juicy. I steamed some kale as well, and put some olive oil and garlic on that. Mr. T (who despises this moniker) even ate the kale. Tonight we had chard with butter and garlic. He thought it tasted like dirt. I prefer kale myself, but the chard was pretty good too. The tofu I made sucked, in my opinion. I made a jerk barbecue sauce. T didn't think it was so bad, but I kind of disliked it. The last time we used the jerk seasoning it came out crappy too. I need some help with the jerk seasoning.

Anyway, I don't have to work Monday, so I get a nice, long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. We're back in regular ttc mode, and we're starting to take bets on when E has her baby. T thinks it will be sooner, and I think it will be on her due date or later. Who knows.

I'm pretty grumpy, but I'm not sure why. I have an 8 am meeting tomorrow, and I have to get up stupidly early. But at least I'm keeping myself busy. It's definitely helping me not be sad. Things are moving forward. Plants are growing. I can't believe it's almost July.

Trying to calm down

As I said, things have been non-stop lately. Friday night while Mr. T was away, my friends S&R came over and we grilled dinner. It was nice to have them in the kitchen watching the baseball game and just generally being informal.

Mr. T made it safely to and back from SF, CA in less than 48 hours. It was hellish for him. I picked him up at the airport at 10 am, he came back and napped for two hours and we went of to my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. He was so tired that he was making up songs in the car. It was fun. There was a cookout and we had clams and lobster and clam chowder. Yum! I played croquet with my neices and nephew and frisbee with just my nephew. There were tons of kids there, but I managed to not feel that bad. There was one 17-month-old who was just so cute, and even Mr. T was able to smile at his bouncy cuteness. Neither of us felt too bad, which was great. There was only one awkward moment when a friend of my brother (the mother of the 17-month-old) who had borrowed my neice's crib offered to give it to us. I tried to blow off the question, but it came up again. I just nodded briefly and moved on. It didn't come up again, and I still managed to not get sad, so I'm pleased.

After Mr. T slept 12 hours and I slept 10, we had brunch with E&R. She has only about 2 weeks to go. She's looking really huge. She's a very skinny woman, and I thought I could even see it in her face. Her ankles and feet are swelling, and it's been really humid which probably makes it even worse. But I didn't feel sad seeing her today, either. And even thinking about the baby isn't bumming me out much right now. That's a good thing. I'm not sure what's different right now, but I shouldn't question it. I finished the little sweater I knitted for the baby. I have to sew my personal tag in there so it will be ready. I have a sweater and a blanket with a matching hat for the baby. All made by me! I'm feeling good that I'm feeling okay these days.

Tomorrow we are meeting with our therapist again. Mr. T went by himself last week. He told me he talked about some heavy family stuff, some of which I know about and some of which I don't. I would have liked to have been there for him, but my weird-ass job got in the way. I let my boss know I was going to be a little late on Mondays, and that I would arrive around 9:30 or so. She wanted to know how I would make up the time. I'm a salaried worker, and I came to about 5 hours of meetings that I was not compensated for before I even started. I felt totally nickled and dimed by that. It's that kind of stuff that scares me about the micro-managing thing. But so much shit is going to go down in the next week that I'm just going to have to hold off talking about it until later. I hope I didn't make the wrong decision.

My garden is looking lovely these days. I have four clematis blossoms, my yarrow is blooming and my morning glories are climbing the trellis. And the strawberries are going bonkers. I finally have some old pictures of my potted stuff that I'll post.



This is the yarrow. It's now about a foot taller and has tiny purplish flowers with white centers.



Here is the strawberry. It's at least double the size now.



These are my morning glories when they just sprouted. As I said, they're really going and are almost halfway up the trellis now.




These are my spices, which don't look like this anymore, either. The cilantro on the left is now coriander with white blossoms. It's so huge that it's falling over. The basil there is sad from all of the rain. It's come back, and I bought another plant so that it makes up for the stuff that died in the rain. In the front is the Greek oregano, which is growing up big as well. We put some oregano and basil on the pizza Mr. T and I made for dinner tonight.

That's it for now. I hope you had a nice weekend.

La Vida Loca

For some reason, I'm starting to get paranoid about this blog being discovered. I want to talk about work stuff, but I don't want people at work finding this. I'm going to start calling my beloved husband Mr. T. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about previous posts yet.

Things have been so crazy around here. Mr. T is crazy busy at work, and he's en route to San Francisco for a 48 hour stay. That's a lot of flying in a short period of time. So I'm by myself for a couple of nights. Luckily I have plans tomorrow night with S. We always have fun on our girls' night out.

My new job is crazy. I think it will turn out to be good in the end, but right now things are simply insane. One person is going to be sacked. I'm not sure how another is going to react to that firing. The way things are organized for half of the data we collect is completely insane, and has never been revamped. I can't even begin to explain how convoluted it is. It can be fixed, but there is data that hasn't been entered and the only way to get it entered is the convoluted way. And my new boss is scaring me because she's acting micro-manage-y. That is one thing that I absolutely cannot deal with. I cannot be micro-managed. I will quit if I am. But I feel like I can't talk to her about it until a bunch of this crazy stuff is over. Plus, I'm still working part time at my old job. Oh, and we went to the Red Sox game on Monday. My first day at my new job.

Oh, and I still don't have a computer at my new job. I've been schlepping my laptop to work on the subway. Not tomorrow, though. I'll use my officemate's. She doesn't work on Fridays.

Needless to say, I haven't had time to blog, be sad, be happy, be angry, be anything. I'm simply exhausted. I hope everything is okay with you folks out there. I haven't had time to check on anybody, either.

Maybe next week will be better. Happy thoughts to you all!

Father's Day

I'm officially not pregnant. AF started this morning. At this point it's a good thing because I drank myself silly last night. I have discovered a wonderful recipe for an alcoholic raspberry lime rickey, and it's delicious. Had a tall one of them and a whole lot more. Mr. T's friend S, her husband G, and their roommate, C (who works for Mr. T) had a party. It was fun. We stayed out late and drank and talked and laughed and smiled. I enjoyed myself.

Why is it that S&G have a roommate, you ask? Well, the answer is twofold. One is practical. It's cheaper and they travel a lot so it's nice to have someone who can take care of the house when they're gone. C also has a girlfriend so he's often at her house. Now for the interesting reason.

S&G had a floor to themselves for really cheap in a great location in Cambridge. C moved in from out of town and took an extra room on a different floor. Then the landlord started hanging around. He was using C's soap (from the soap dish), and C asked him nicely if he wouldn't do that, and offered a fresh bar of soap to the landlord. Landlord freaked out an told him that he was going to have to move. That blew over, but landlord's behavior got worse. He started letting himself into locked rooms. He was walking around naked. He was snorting flour (as if it were c*caine) off the counters. He propositioned the married, pregnant downstairs neighbor. He stole the downstairs neighbor's dog. He left an envelope with S's name on it on the stairs. In it was 15 cents, a picture of an astronaut and a stamp. It was time to leave, but they were afraid to give any sort of notice due to the bizarre behaviors. (Apparently landlord went off his meds.)

So, G had to go to Europe for work for about a month. He couldn't help with any of this. S&C went looking and found a very nice apartment and rented it, but it wouldn't be available for another week. It was decided they could store most of their stuff in our garage. They got all of their friends together. They packed up in the middle of the night, and together we moved all of their stuff into our garage. It took just under 2 hours. They stayed with friends for a bit, and then they moved into the new apartment.

Last night was their housewarming party. Yay new house!

Today we're going to my parents' house for Father's Day. My brothers are going to play golf. It's 90 and humid here in the metro-Boston area. Ugh.

I'm off to sew the zipper into the sweater I made for E&R's baby. I tried sewing it in before, but the zipper I bought was too small, so I had to go back to the fabric store and get a new one. This one better work.

Feeling sad

Today is a day of change. Though I know I am doing the right thing by leaving this job, I am feeling sad. Sad because here on my last day I will sit in my office with no windows by myself, like I do every day. Now, I shouldn't be sad because in my new job I share my office with someone and there are two HUGE windows. But I also realize that even though I am earmarked for a supervisory position in my new job, when I begin my job I am taking a position that is exactly the same as the 22-year-old who graduated college in May. I have a Master's degree and 10 years of working experience, and we have the same job. I'm sure I make more money than she does, but that's not the point. I find that frustrating. I hope in 6 months that I'm not in the same place. And the woman who is my boss, who started off so soft-spoken and kind, is scaring me a little with her expectations. We have a work reading group where we have to do presentations from chapters in a clinical book, she wants us to take classes in clinical research, and there is pressure to be in at 7:30 in the morning for meetings and whatnot. That last one is the one that pisses me off the most. I can handle learning about the doctor's specialty, and I just finished my biostats class so perhaps I am exempt from having to take a class. I'm just not sure why I have to suffer because she chooses to live in the lame suburbs.

I'm also sad because my temp was down again today. I told myself that I didn't want to be pg this month with the new job and all, but I realize that I was fooling myself. I want nothing more than to have a baby on the way. This also means that I will not be pg when E has her baby. When E gives birth, I will most likely be in the midst of the next 2ww. Plus it is father's day on Sunday and we will be getting together with my family, and no doubt Mr. T will be sad. I am sad when Mr. T is sad.

Tonight Mr. T and I are going out to celebrate my last day at work. It's my choice. I'm thinking I want fried clams, but I could rethink my choice and get steamers instead.

Less optimistic

My bbt plummeted this morning. I'm no longer feeling confident about this cycle. We shall see what happens tomorrow.

10dpo

I have a headache. Again. I'm also exhausted. Again. Last night I went to bed around ten before ten. The Sox went into extra innings (and lost spectacularly, apparently) and Mr. T stayed up to watch the end. He came to bed around midnight, which of course woke me up. I then couldn't fall back asleep. We started talking a little. He drifted off, but I was tossing and turning. Somehow this turned into a huge fight, at least for us. I was having trouble sleeping because I couldn't stop myself from worrying, mostly about work. He said, "Just stop!" I determined that this was not particularly helpful, and it escalated from there. He fell asleep, but I went and watched HGTV for an hour or so. I went to sleep pretty angry, which I heard is not a good thing to do. It's probably true because I woke up angry. We talked a bit about it in the morning, and Mr. T said he realized he wasn't being particularly helpful, but when he wakes up from just starting to fall asleep he gets incredibly cranky. I have seen that before, but it didn't turn into the monstrosity that came up last night. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm not sure we got to that point, but things are more back to normal now. Also, my being most likely particularly hormonal isn't helping the situation either.

This has led me to worry more about the new job. At my current job, I'm totally left alone all the time. I usually like this. I like to be given a few tasks, and then to be left on my own to complete them, with a person around to answer reference questions if need be. I explained this in my interview. Right now I feel like I'm a student being told exactly what to do, and I don't even start working until Monday. Part of this is hormones and part of it is just culture shock, I'm sure. But I hope it calms down soon. I didn't expect to be reacting this way so quickly with my new job. I knew it was going to be a change, but I guess I'm simply starting to see people's true colors. Mr. T is trying to convince me that it will settle down and promises that I didn't make the wrong decision, but it's difficult for me to completely believe this right now. I'm also thinking that I should have taken a week off in between jobs, but I felt strong pressure to start soon.

Sometimes I worry that I always make the toughest choices for myself. But I had strong support all around for this new job. The old one wasn't working anymore, and I needed something new. This is all probably new job jitters, and things will smooth out soon enough.

Tired and hungry

I think I might be pg. I know I said I thought the timing wasn't right, but I think I was wrong. My bbts are up, I had an implantation dip, my boobs are sore, and I'm more hungry and tired than usual. I feel horrible writing 'infertility' in the subtitle of my blog because clearly, we aren't 'infertile'. It's just that every time we get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will miscarry (or have a baby that will be severely ill or die within a few days of being born). There exists the possibility that we will have a healthy baby. There is also a chance that our healthy baby will have to go through this exact same tormenting process when he or she tries to have a baby. But, in light of recent events, infertility isn't the right word. Does anybody have a better word for me?

I will POAS this coming weekend. I feel like I should feel lucky that I so easily get pregnant and that we might be having a baby, but I am feeling quite ambivalent. I can't get attached to this pregnancy until I know it's a healthy one, and I won't know that until they can do a CVS which is around 11 weeks. So we'll see how long this lasts. I know I don't know 'officially' that I'm pg yet, but I just know that I am right now, and even if AF comes at the regular time, I know from my body signs that there was fertilization this cycle.

So I had another meeting at my new job today. It was intense. My new boss wanted to have a weekly meeting at 7:30 am. There is a monthly 7:30 meeting that I agreed to right off the bat, but I just can't do that on a weekly basis. I rely on Mr. T for a ride to the subway in the morning, and I just think it's asking a lot to expect me to leave my house before 7. In addition to that, I got some homework. I have to read a clinical book and create a powerpoint presentation about one of the chapters. At least that stuff doesn't start until after I actually start. As perhaps you can tell, I was feeling a little bit scared about the new job today. I already have three additional work assignments in addition to the powerpoint presentation, and I haven't even had my first day yet! But at least I won't be bored, and my new officemate seems really nice. Can't go back now! Full speed ahead!

Who am I?

I found these silly surveys online and decided to take a few to see how they came out. The ones I felt were inaccurate or too stupid I didn't put up, but here are a few I thought were okay.

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

You Are 44% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind. You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

You Are 52% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating. You don't give up. You're committed and brave. Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle. Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog. You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods. You also value honesty and fairness a great deal. You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding. You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Rain, Rain, go away!

It is rainy and cold again here in the delightful northeast. I slept extra late because it was so dark. I had a weird dream that I got a huge Spiderman tatoo on my shoulder and upper arm, and I really hated it. When I wore short sleeves, Spidey was still visible and I was so pissed at myself for getting that tatoo. Then I had another dream later that night where I told my dad that I dreamed I had a spiderman tatoo, and how I was pissed because it was still visible in short sleeves. How very meta.

T and I are off to go have breakfast out (his favorite thing to do) and then do errands. We're going to look at ranges since when we went last weekend the store had already closed. We have run out of cream for coffee, which is why we're so motivated to go out. I have actually weaned myself off of the coffee since we're ttc again, but he is still very addicted. We just love coffee. We're coffee snobs, actually. We have our coffee shipped to us from Portland, OR. I know, it's totally insane. We bulk order it and keep it in the freezer.

We will also go food shopping, and possible look for some clothes for me, but I'm not sure I'm in the mood. We decided to not shower, and I am trying to calk the tub/shower in our bathroom because it's not sealed very well. This is my third attempt. So I may feel too dirty to try on new clothes. We really need to redo the bathroom, but since we need a new roof and we need to paint the outside of the house, I really don't see it happening any time soon.

I'm feeling paranoid about the pg thing now, too. I'm so obsessive, it even bothers me. I do bbts, and the way the pattern is going, I think I could be pg. And I keep thinking that my boobs hurt. But it also could just totally be in my head. I want to be pregnant (read: stay pregnant) so badly, but part of me wants one more month because of the job switch thingy. But then I think, if I am lucky enough to get a healthy pregnancy, then all of that worry and stuff will quickly melt away. That is the thing that I want the most, so I should simply ignore that other stuff and just do what I need to do. As T always tells me, it will all work out in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a worrier! I guess it's a good thing we have an appointment to see a therapist on Tuesday.

Lonely

I decided to add some color.

T's out with a friend, our best man from the wedding. She's actually a woman, and I learned earlier this year that the proper term for a female best man is the groom's honor attendant or something. Anyway, he's not home and here I am. I was totally lonely at work today, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to leave this job, and now I'm lonely at home. I'm the type of person that like others around pretty much all the time. I guess it was not meant to be that way today.

While I was riding the train on the way home tonight, I had this moment of freak out. Some health insurances won't cover you if you're already pregnant when you begin their plan. Because I live in Massachusetts (thank god) I think there is a 'pre-existing condition' law that says that insurers must cover any pre-existing condition, including pregnancy, I should be fine even if I were to be pg (which I still think I'm not). But I freaked out about it, none-the-less. In fact, I think it was E who pointed out that law to me when I freaked out about it before. I told you I'm an over worrier.

The weather is crappy and cold, and it makes me not have very much energy. I should be emptying the dishwasher and folding some laundry, but I'm not. I'm here typing. I suppose typing like this is sort of like talking. I mean, at least I'm communicating in some way, right? I hope it gets nice at some point this weekend. I really need to work in the garden. There are weeds everywhere, but the weather has been so crappy lately that there's been no way I could be out there. Not while enjoying it, anyway. I also need to go shopping for some more work clothes. I have to improve my wardrobe a bit for my new job. I hate shopping, and it doesn't help that I really need to lose 10 pounds. I'm kind of dreading going. I guess I'll just buy a little bit, and then see what happens. Right now I have to walk about 10-15 minutes from the subway to get to my job. With the new one, I won't be walking that much. I need to start exercising, but I just don't see where I can fit it into my schedule. I mean, we don't get home until around 6, and then I cook dinner and we eat, and then we clean up. T's good about helping with the dishes and whatnot. But I'm so hungry when I get home, I wouldn't want to delay dinner even more. I'm going to have to try to do some walking during lunch or something. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't mind doing work, but I hate to have no time to myself because I'm alway there. (Or on my way there. Or on my way back.) The work week is way too long. Maybe someday I can work part time and work from home sometimes. Sounds nifty.

Thanks for keeping me company while my husband is out. I appreciate it. I'm going to force myself to do some of those chores. Have a good night! (Or day, I suppose.)

Additional Explanations

I turned in the paperwork to get some of the money for my biostats reimbursed. They include it in my paycheck. I have to make sure I get a paycheck that long so that I can be reimbursed. It shouldn't be a problem because I get paid for the previous weeks' work, and I also have more than a week's vacation time too. So we'll be getting some cash in the next few weeks. Woo hoo!

I also had a bit of a discussion with my soon to be ex-boss. She has totally come around and is being really great about my leaving now. She really appreciates that I'm trying to accomodate her inability to get someone to take over one of my studies right away, but she also agreed that the deadline I set for her (August). She was really supportive today, and even said to me that she thought the new job sounded like a step up, which it is. So I am very pleased about how it went, and I'm no longer worried about how the transition is going to go. I was up at about 4:00 am worrying about something. I think I was worried that she would never let me go or find anybody else to hire. They don't need someone right away, and she's the type to let things drag out forever. She didn't complete my review until like 4-5 months after it was due. Anyway, I felt like she finally understood that the 2+ years was plenty, and she was pleased that I was continuing in research. So I can relax about all of that stuff now.

No pg symptoms, though my tummy felt gross today. It's early. And, as I said, I'm not convinced our timing was right this month. But I'm checking anyway.

Good things

It's over. I got a B-. I have never been so happy for a B- in my life! Yay me! I have to go turn in my paperwork so I can get my money!

Had a meeting last night at the new job. I'm less nervous and more looking forward to it now. There's tons of work to do, and it will be satisfying. Some of it will be tedious, but it will feel good when it is complete. And then there will be challenges ahead.

These are both good things.

Two weeks

I think it's two weeks until I start my new job. I actually have a meeting there tomorrow afternoon, and then there's a research dinner that night where the docs will detail the research they're doing. I also get to meet the woman I will be working with. Here's hoping I like her, right?

Okay, I just have to interject. The Sox are playing the Yankees again, and this is the worst game ever. The Sox made a horrible play to start the game, where no one was covering home plate and the Yankee guy just sauntered home. Later, the umpires made the worst call ever, negating a double play that the Sox made. Now they're saying the ball hit the batter in fair territory, so it's a dead ball and the second out doesn't count, but it still really sucked. We should be out of the inning now. But we're not, and the Yankees are creaming us. Oh well. Shit happens.

Anyway. I guess I'm technically in my two week wait now. We'll see what happens. If I'm not pg this month, it's not the worst thing in the world because of the new job and everything. But we'll see. I'm skeptical. I don't think our timing was spot on this month. Maybe next month will be a better month for us anyway. Of course, because I'm so skeptical I'll probably end up being pregnant. I'll stop speculating on all of this stuff. Just let it be known: I have ovulated.

The dinner on Saturday was a lot of fun. There wasn't too much baby talk, and there was a bunch of wedding talk. I know that E tries to temper the baby talk when she's around us, and that makes me feel a little bummed. I want her to be able to be excited about it whether I'm there or not. I suppose I should be glad that she's sensitive, but either way I make myself feel bad. But it was still a nice time, and it was good to see L again. The next time I'll see her is for her wedding. And then I'll meet her fiance, B. I'm thinking of emailing him just to find out his deal.

Yesterday was my niece's 7 birthday party. I had a great time. They love me so much! My brother and sister-in-law re-did their kitchen and it looks absolutely great! We were a little jealous. We have to get a new oven, and that's going to have to do for now. The party bummed T out a bit. I'm not sure why hanging out with my nieces and nephew doesn't make me sad like hanging out with E does, but it doesn't. It does for T, though. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better when he gets down, but there isn't. I tried, but I felt like I just made things worse. He's doing a little better now, but he was really sad for a while. I've finally made an appointment with a therapist for next week. It's first thing in the morning, which will be fine until I start my new job. Then I don't know if I'll be able to do it then because I'll be late for work. But as you can see, I pre-emptively worry about things, which is dumb, so I'm going to stop right now.

I'm starting to tell people at my job that I'm going to be leaving. I'm excited, but nervous. I got my offer letter in the mail, and there was this huge packet about the dress code with a chart that lists different types of clothing and has a check box saying whether it's appropriate or not. And the last page is a picture of many different kinds of shoes, the left half being examples of appropriate shoes and the right half being examples of inappropriate shoes. Needless to say, I was a little put off by this. I mean, I'm fine with the office being a little less casual than where I work, and I understand that some people need to be told very specifically what 'professional' kinds of dress are, whether it's suits or just business casual. But still, it had a few things in there that bugged me. One was about multiple earrings (which I have) and one was about long nails (which I don't). I mean, I don't like being told how I can wear my nails. It's one thing if I'm a clinical person and it could infect people, but I'm basically going to be in an office. I will see patients, but I will not treat them in any clinical way. It really made me want to not work there at all. But I've worked through it, and decided to not let it bug me too much. I mean, I don't dress like anything that was listed in the 'inappropriate' column. I feel like that is beside the point, and it's the principle of the thing, and I'm compromising myself a little. But I also get annoyed sometimes with how inappropriate dress can be, so it sort of matches my conservative dressing values. So whatever. I'm sucking it up. We'll see what happens.

Oy, the cats

Our cat Sascha is walking in front of me and head-butting my arms as I try to type this. She apparently loves blogging. She even has a big tail. She's very excited. Her brother Riley is, of course, lying somewhere and not moving,but it's difficult to blame him because it is kind of hot.

T's working late, so I grilled by myself tonight. As I was letting the coals get grey, the sky started threatening, so I freaked out and called my dad to see what to do. I'm such a wuss. I was totally afraid that it was going to rain on my food and I wouldn't know what to do and it would get all wet on the way into the house. But I'm pretty new to grilling. My dad said that a little water never ruined a meal, and the top of the grill would protect it while I was cooking. Happily, it was just really windy, and the rain didn't start until after I put the grill cover on. I grilled tofu and asparagus. I love asparagus, and grilled asparagus is even better than regular asparagus. I left the food out on the kitchen table and I hope Riley isn't eating the leftovers that are supposed to be for T. I even made T a special treat because he had such a bad day. Now I want him to come home because I want some too. I mean, I want him to come home because I want to see him. (And eat some rice krispie treat.) So much for losing 10 lbs before we ttc again.

I have two clematis in the front garden. One of them is doing really, really well and even has a couple of buds! I'm so excited! It's twirling up the trellis. The other one is growing, but not quite so vigorously. I think it may have to do with exposure to sunlight, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I planted two different colors, so maybe one type just grows faster than the other type. I wonder which one is the one that's growing. But I'm very pleased with my plants. My morning glories need to be put somewhere where they can grow up a trellis or some such thing. Yay plants!

This weekend a friend from AZ, L, is coming to town. We're going out to dinner with L, E&R and another couple. Last weekend at E's barbecue there was a toddler, and I really didn't feel too badly. I even played with little M, and wiped her hands when she got messy. When it was time for them to go, M wanted to hug me goodbye. I guess I made a little friend. I felt pretty good the whole time, and not too sad. Even when they were talking about how E was feeling (she's due in 6 weeks) I felt okay. Only a few twinges. I hope the same thing happens this weekend. I don't want to just be awkwardly silent during dinner. But L is getting married in the fall, and none of us have met her fiance, so hopefully that will be the center of the conversation.

Riley has arrived to yell at me. I am not stroking him, therefore I must be bad.

Saw the boss lady today, and she acted normally. I'm pleased about that. I have a meeting at the new job on Tuesday afternoon. Here we go!

Oven's broken, but we have a grill

We've determined that the oven is definitely broken. We just have to decide if it's worth it to have someone look at it, or if we should just get a new one. I have no idea who would fix our oven nor how much it would cost to have him (or her) come out to look at it. And what if s/he comes and just tells us that we need to get a new stove. Our stove is definitely old, and we'd have to replace it eventually anyway. Ah, the delight of home ownership.

I've realized several times, but also forgotten several times, to talk about the bird's nest. It all went so fast. The chicks have left. But they were there for several days, and I showed them off to several people, and then one day I watered the pansy and there were no baby birds. So, much luck to our baby birds. I hope they find lots of food and some nice shelter out there in the world. Meanwhile, the nest is still there. T looked up about house finches and the females sometimes mate a second time, so maybe she'll come back and lay some more eggs. We'll have to see.

My boss seems to be taking the fact that I'm leaving pretty hard. She sent me these really severe emails which pointed out everything I did wrong, no matter how small. Now I did do all of those things imperfectly, which I admit, but she had never taken that kind of tone with me before. I felt like she was trying to convince herself that she was better off without me or something. But my co-worker had a nice, long meeting with her and made her feel better. I know that I am doing nothing wrong by finding a new job, but I just feel like I'm betraying my boss. There is one part of the job that she is going to have a very difficult time finding someone else to do. I offered to work on it for a little while, but she has to know that by August or so, I'm not going to be able to do it any more. I worry that when I tell her that, she's going to freak out on me again. But I can't be expected to still be working on that project in August when I'm leaving my job in June. I know in my head I'm being reasonable, but when I talk to boss-lady, I just feel like I'm not.

I got some more signs that ovulation is coming soon. I'm now worrying -- what if we do get pregnant and it sticks this time? Telling my new work that I'm pg about 3 months into work would be weird. But, I did tell the woman that hired me that we were ttc and that I could be pg at any time, but that if we weren't IVF was a possibility in about 6 months or so. She didn't seem bothered, so I guess I could make the announcement with a clear conscience. But I know that this scenario is super-hopeful anyway. As my mom always said to me, whatever will be will be. I know that I'm doing the right thing, and that's what's important.

Pre-heating

Our oven is messed up. Our house, I think, is a little bit of a lemon. Things go wrong. The roof leaks, the boiler died, and our oven is broken. We need to get a plumber to check it out (it's gas) but I'm kind of sick of plumbers since the boiler. Don't get me wrong, I love our house. But it has some issues.

We got our grill and made the yummiest hamburgers in the world. It ruled. We were going to grill tonight, but it's cool out so we decided to use the oven. Now the oven isn't working properly. It sucks. I'm starving. And now we're arguing about what to do because we're both overly hungry. Should we order out? Should we just stick it in there even though it's not working properly? It's going to take forever to cook. This sucks. (It's in the oven right now.)

Anyway, I got them to give me even more money for my prospective job. The benefits are going to cost a lot more, and the time-off is a little bit less. I mentioned these things, and they offered me more money. So I'm definitely going to take it. I talked to my boss about it today. It was really hard. She was really negative about the new job at first. I mean, I know she just doesn't want to lose me, but it bummed me out a little bit. But I really need a change. I've liked my job and I've liked working for my boss, but I just feel like it's time for me to move on. If this job sucks, then I'll just have tofind another. I will remain part time
to do some work at the old place for a while, but I 'll have to work out a timetable for transitioning over. I'm excited, but also nervous and a little scared. They're hiring another person to work with me, and I hope I don't hate her. I mean, I barely ever hate people, but you never know. It could be bad.

In other happyish news, I received signs of impending fertility, so ttc should commence soon. We'll see what happens.

Yikes!

Summer approaches

The weather has been incredibly warm this weekend. Perfect, really, for a long weekend. Thursday evening I went to have a drink with my friend S. It was nice to hang out, just us women. We talked about this new job of mine, about whether she and her husband R will buy a condo or move out of their current apartment, and about me and me and E. My friend S is a therapist by trade, so she's good at making me feel like it's okay to have the emotions I have. It's so funny because I don't want to 'use' her like a therapist. She's my friend. But she loves being a therapist so much that she will sometimes prompt me to process. She is encouraging me to find a therapist for both me and T. I do want to do that. I've just been putting it off for other things, lately. But she told me to not feel bad about feeling sad sometimes when I'm around E, and to not blame myself for not being able to be really excited for the baby to come. I've heard all of that before, and I know that those feelings are normal, but I still can't help feeling bad that I can't get excited. I want to be excited about the baby, and it sucks that I just can't be.

Anyway, last night we went out to a super yummy dinner with my parents and my brother and sister-in-law's exchange student from Poland. She's a good kid. Since my brother's family lives in NH, just over the border, she was grateful to be in the city for a little bit. I had rack of lamb stuffed with cheese, olives, sun dried tomatoes and mushrooms with porcini ravioli. It was super delicious.

Today E is having a birthday cookout for herself. I've made potato salad and we bought the fixins for raspberry lime rickeys (with raspberry Stoli for those who want to indulge). I'm also going to make rice crispy squares since they're so easy and everybody loves them. Her friend L and her daughter M are going to be there. L's husband died suddenly a little over a year ago. I've only met her a couple of times, but it just makes me so sad to think of it. It's weird that because of her great loss, the concept of her daughter doesn't make me as sad as it might ordinarily do. My only worry is that when we all hang out that the only thing that people are going to be able to talk about is baby stuff, and that will definitely bum me out. I just don't have anything to contribute to those conversations. E and I are supposed to hang out with another friend and her fiance next weekend, and I worry about the baby discussions when that happens, too. I guess I'll just have to deal.

T and I talked about the new job more last night. It looks like I'm going to take it. It will make my days longer with the longer commute, but it's better than being totally bored and alone all day in my windowless office. I still need to look at the benefits, but I can't imagine they'll be so bad that I won't take the job. I'm excited but very nervous.

Also, I'm supposed to be fertile this weekend, but I totally haven't been. I don't know what's going on. Maybe all the stress from last week pushed me forward a bit. But I'm nervous that I'm going to miss it and we're going to miss our window of opportunity this month. But that's probably me just being paranoid. Still, I'm not seeing any signs that I'm fertile at present moment.

Ah, rolling with the punches. I kind of suck at that.

Crazy times

I got a job offer!

The woman who interviewed me on Tuesday moning called me Tuesday afternoon for me to come in to a second interview on Wednesday. Wednesday night, of course, was my final exam for stats, so I tried to put her off. But she pushed, and promised it wouldn't take too long. So I caved and went in. The doctors were very down to earth and nice. So, today, she sent me an email to give her a call, and she offered a job! They even offered a bit more money than I'm making now. The only downside is that my commute will increase a bit. But I don't see any reason not to take it. I don't know about benefits yet, so I've asked about that. Of course, in our situation, insurance is a big deal. We can always go on to T's insurance if we need to. We'll see what happens. But it's exciting.

This new job is a real step up from what I'm doing now. There's a supervisory component. There's tons of work. There's creativity and room to grow. It's still quite independent. I will learn new things. I will be busy. I've been so busy in the past few days I haven't had time to be sad, which is good. I even talked to my potential new boss (after the job offer was out there) and told her we were ttc, and that the possibility of IVF may be in the future. Since my current boss knows all of this stuff, I wanted to make sure that all of this stuff was out there. I don't have to take this job. I need to want to take this job. So I want to want it with all of my baggage. I don't want them to think I hid something when I was hired. I actually think potential boss appreciated my candor. She was adamant about having a 'kind' workplace where people work together and there's no back-stabbing. How wonderful! I'm feeling kind of excited.

I am also now officially finished with my biostats class. Hurray! The final exam was not nearly as awful as the midterm, which was a relief. I handed in the extra credit problem that E helped me with. So, we'll see how it goes. I wonder when the grade will be in. I wonder if it has to be in before I accept my next job. I'm going to try not to worry about that yet.

All of this has been so unexpected. I totally just applied to that job on a whim. They made me feel smart and useful, so that was good. They're going to hire a second position in addition to the position that was offered to me, and there are other people in the office, so it will be much less isolating. The only thing, as I said, is the commute issue. But I can probably deal with that. I'll see what the benefits look like.

T and I are taking tomorrow off so that we can have an extra long weekend. E's having a birthday party for herself on Sunday that we'll go to. I'm going to make potato salad. I think we may go out with my parents on Saturday night. The weekend is busy already!

It's weird what a huge role the health insurance takes now. I usually wouldn't care, but after the advice from the IVF place, there are certain companies that are better for us than others. I'm very anxious to hear back.

I hope everyone out there in blogland is doing okay. Life is just full of crazy things, isn't it?