Sensitivity

Thanks for all of the kind words about our kitty. We are doing okay, though we miss her so. Her poor brother kitty seems unsure about where she went. It will take time.

I previously mentioned how I've been trying to 'friend date' a bit with some other new moms. I found a couple of women whom I've had a few 'play dates' with. So far it's been pretty good with both of them -- I enjoy our time together, though I haven't felt a real tight 'click' with either of them. But I plan on continuing to hang out with them because it has been going well.

One of the new moms and I were out shopping together. We were both pushing the babies in a stroller and a stranger smiled at us and jokingly asked, "Which department did you get them?" I smiled and replied, "In the kids department, of course!" and the stranger said something about going to pick up one (or something, I don't really remember). Then my new friend said, "You can take mine!"

I was taken aback by this comment. I said, "That's not a very nice thing to say."

She said, "She's been waking up every hour for the past three weeks. If you had been dealing with that, you'd understand!"

I said, "Because my son is adopted, I'm really sensitive about comments like that. In some sense, he might feel like he was given away by his parents."

She said, "I didn't mean it like that."

I said, "I know, but I'm very sensitive about statements like that. It hits a little close to home for me."

Then I changed the subject.

Did I do okay? I hope I made my point. I'm trying to practice with these things.

Goodbye Girl

Goodbye, girl.

Girl Cat

Our girl cat has cancer that has spread throughout her gut. She is not eating nor grooming herself. She just lies down and looks pained. I think we are going to have to put her down tomorrow. We are just so, so sad.

I'm worried that it's too soon as she'll still drink water and she'll still come find us to sit on us.

She doesn't purr anymore, though.

She looks so sad all the time. T wishes he didn't think it was time, but he does.

I feel so awful. Our poor, sweet girlie girl. We love her so.

The girl, before she got sick.

Sitting!

He's sitting on his own!!!! I'm so excited by this!

Go Henry!

6 months

Today our boy is 6 months old.
Happy half-year, Henry! We love you more than words can explain.

I am sure that CC and O. are thinking of you today, too.

Show and Tell: Baby Rachel

Show and Tell

All Mixed Up

Sometimes my emotions are so mixed up.

Henry's nap schedule is solidifying, which is great. But he isn't so great at napping outside the house and being home for his nap schedule and feedings makes it nearly impossible to ever leave. That makes me crazy. I am starting to figure out how to make it possible for him to do some good napping while at the same time allows me to go somewhere from time to time.

This is interfering with the dog's schedule a bit, which means every time I get up he jumps up as if he's going to get fed or go for a walk. This is a bit crazy making as well. I love the dog and have lost 17 lbs since getting him. Without him I wouldn't exercise nearly as much. But I wish I could make him understand the concept of, "Sorry, not right now. Every day is different." That's not really a dog's way. We're trying, though.

I need to figure out a way to do more 'me' stuff while Henry is napping. I find I just end up doing nothing on the computer while he naps and I don't like it. I'm working on knitting a sweater for Henry, but for whatever reason I don't pick it up. I think of reading a grown-up book, but I don't pick one up. I do sometimes do laundry or dishes during nap time, but I want to do something for ME and I'm not sure why I can't get inspired to do so.

I'm still thinking of my bitterness and how to work on it. I'm not feeling bitter right now; more sad. My friend who is pregnant just announced it on the evil FB. She has had major troubles and never thought this baby would ever happen, so my happiness for her is ENORMOUS. However, last time I saw her I freaked a little at her pregnant appearance. I just feel so much loss sometimes.

Maybe I I should try to remember announcing Henry's arrival and how shocked people were. That was kind of fun.

Not believing in 'destiny' or that things are 'meant to be' also slows the healing process, I think. I love Henry and I think our match with his birth parents is perfect. I can't picture us having a different set of birth parents or being the parents of any of the other babies in our adoptive families play group. None of those matches were the right match for us. Henry definitely was it. Still, I'm not one of those people who wouldn't change everything if I could go back in time. I know that if we had a genetic baby we would have loved it as much as we love Henry now.

Still, my love for little Henry sometimes overwhelms me. I just hope he never feels unloved or abandoned around his adoption. I think part of my sadness comes from wanting to protect him from the difficult feelings adoptees sometimes have. Of course it's natural for him to feel this way and I should allow him to feel what he needs to feel, but we all want to protect our children from hurt, even though that's impossible to do for a lifetime.

I'm also starting to think about home study #2.

My head is swirling today. Henry woke me up at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but then the cat woke me up at 6. Then the dog woke me up at 6:30. I'm feeling a little tired.

ETA:
A tooth broke through!

Also, teenagers are scary. (My niece is freaking me out a little.)

Play Group

We're off to our adoptive families play group. We meet once a month in some donated space by a local maternity/baby store. I'm trying to be the 'organizer.' We're bringing Henry's book along with us. We finally ordered his Adoption Story book from online so that we can send it to his birth parents for his 6 month birthday, which is Valentine's Day. I want to show it to everybody there.

I'm really glad we have this group. It's so nice to know that Henry will know other adopted kids as he's growing up, and it's especially nice that a couple of them are so close to him in age so that they could be play mates. I like that. I think a lot of adoption processing can be done through play, so it's nice to have people who can play along that theme.

Someone on the evil FB is posting about her home birth plan and talked about the 'birthing tub' and I have to say, these plans are currently not making me jealous. Baby steps.

Bitterness

I have decided that I need to try and let go of my bitterness. I need to do this for Henry's sake. I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough patch and she put it like this: I have a choice. I can be happy or I can be sad. Why should I be sad. I'm going to be happy.

Happiness isn't really my issue these days as Henry makes me happier than I ever imagined, but my bitterness and resentment around fertility is still strong. I need to let it go. I don't want to affect Henry in any way. Children indirectly pick up on things. I need to resolve this and move on.

It's just so hard. It's hard to know that I have to share my son with another set of parents when other people don't. This of course does not mean I am closing Henry's adoption and I will refuse to share him. That's just dumb and not in his best interest. That's not what I mean. I mean that if T and I were able to have a genetic child then this would not be an issue. This is one of the many reasons I'm sure that people choose to live child-free instead of adopting. My eyes were wide open about this when we adopted Henry. I knew what I was getting in to.

But that doesn't mean I still have some anger deep down inside of me about this fact. And I need to get it out and smash it to pieces so that it can go away.

I think part of what keeps my bitterness around is that tiny speck of hope that still lives in me. Even though my head tells me that T and I will never have a genetic child and that we did all of our trying and it's over, my heart knows that people with a BT diagnosis get pregnant the old fashioned way and have living, healthy children. I need to let that tiny grain of hope go away.

This will take time and effort. But I've decided to work on it.