Nope

It was negative. 100% lily white no doubt negative.

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed, but in the end it might be better this way. Having another miscarriage would be worse. Having that tiny bit of hope still there with me is harder. Now we can just mourn our losses and move on. Don't know what those twinges were. In fact, after I got the negative and went back to bed, I felt one. I kind of want to stop taking the progesterone now, but I feel like I have to wait until after the blood test. Is that stupid?

T is still sleeping. I know he is sad, but his response was, "Well, at least we have an answer," so I guess we can now look a donors together.

Even though I've expected to move on to donor all along, it's still a really weird concept to me. But we are going to do this together, and in the end, when we have a baby, it will all be worth it.

Feeling weird

I feel weird. I came home from work because I feel too weird. I feel lightheaded. Maybe I sort of feel nauseous, but not really. Maybe I'm just hungry. But I am exhausted. I just feel really bizarre, and not in a good way. I'm going to lie down.

freaking out

Thank god for blogs and wonderful people like ultimatejourney, Serenity and Lady In Waiting, because without them I'd be on the floor in a heap. I had decaf and dinner with ultimatejourney earlier this week, and I've been IMing with the other two ladies. Thanks for listening, all of you. It helps.

But I am still freaking out. I just want an answer. I will POAS on Saturday. That is only two wake-ups away. I sort of want to do it tomorrow, but I'm not going to. I just want to go to work still not knowing. I will do it Saturday. But I just want to know.

Not that if it's positive it really means anything. But I'm definitely feeling cramps and twinges. My b00bs were hurting a lot until today. This morning I was sure it was over, but then I got more cramps and twinges again. So I just don't know.

I just want to know!

It's hot

It's extremely hot in the Boston area today. It hit 94 (and humid) at the airport. We are having the outside of our house painted, and apparently the heat and humidity kept the painters away. We decided it was time to put in the air conditioning units. It's helping, but slowly. Hopefully it will be cool enough to sleep tonight. I don't love air conditioning, but on a night like this, it is nice.

T came to therapy with me this morning. We talked a lot about the implications of sperm donation. We did tell her our story, and she did snicker in that "If it weren't so sad it would be funny," kind of way (which is how T and I are feeling about this whole thing right now). One of the things I really like about my therapist (D) is she doesn't give us that false, "Well, you never know!" attitude that the nurses at our RE's office do. T and I are realists. We realize that this IVF working out is quite remote, and we need to make contingency plans. When I say to D, "We think this isn't going to work," she will reply, "Well, it probably won't." I like that.

We are planning to tell our child that s/he is donor conceived. T and I have agreed on this all along, and we think it is what is best for the child and for us. We don't want to walk around worried that our child will 'discover' his/her true origins. We want our child to always know that this is where s/he came from, and think that it is a normal part of who s/he is. But we always figured that though it isn't a secret, it just wouldn't come up much.

What we didn't think about is how three year olds like to share things they know with random people. So, when said three year old goes to preschool, we will have to prepare the teachers for if or when that information comes up. We don't want to put our kid in a situation where, if for some reason s/he comes out with this info that a different adult will try and 'correct' what our kid has been told. I just hadn't thought about stuff like that before. It's weird.

As far has how I'm feeling 3dp5dt, my b00bs are sore, which they were before transfer due to all the progesterone I'm shoving up my hoo-ha. I'm definitely feeling something in my uterus, but I can't say that it's 'twinges' or 'cramps.' I have had one or two cramps today, but in general I'm just aware that my uterus is there. It sort of feels heavy. I can't explain it more than that. I've also been tired and somewhat cranky, but when it's 94 and humid, everybody feels that way.

I went to see the career counselor today as well. I think it was good. I think she will help me. She will help me get out of the trap I feel I am in right now, and then she will help me head toward some work that I will want to do in the future. I liked her. She gave me homework. I think that's good.

So, all and all I think we're doing pretty well, all things considered.

Oh, and here's a caterpillar I crocheted.

still 3%

The worst part of this process, in my opinion, is the morning of the transfer when we are waiting for that phone call to be canceled. We know it is coming, but we have to spend the morning pretending it's not, just in case a miracle happens. I was very concerned because I had acupuncture scheduled, and I didn't want to go in to acupuncture before we were certain there would be a transfer. We started driving to the clinic and I stared at my phone to ring. It finally did when we were about ten minutes away.

One of the cells from one of the embryos they biopsied had no nucleus. When there is no nucleus, they cannot see the chromosomes in order to perform PGD. Two of our embryos came back from PGD and were diagnosed as unbalanced. Though they may have grown normally, as some of our other unbalanced embryos have, we know they are not healthy and they will be discarded. The remaining one, we know became a blastocyst, but has completely unknown chromosomal status. We could transfer it and wait, or discard it.

We chose to transfer it. How could we not?

We asked what it meant that it didn't have a nucleus. Dr. On Call said it could be a sign that it's not a good embryo and it won't implant, or it could be just a fluke. The embryo could have healthy chromosomes, or it could be an unbalanced embryo. We just have no way of knowing. He did recommend transferring it, though, since it is our last IVF and we don't want to leave IVF and move on to donor with anything left out there as a 'what if.' He is right. It just means more uncertainty and more waiting.

So, I've finally had an embryo transfer. I even did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. The chances of this embryo being healthy is incredibly small, but this is what we had to do. T and I agreed that we are totally done if this doesn't work. We will not try on our own again. If this doesn't work we are going straight to donor.

So, maybe it will stick and maybe if it won't. I'm kind of dreading the possibility of having a fourth miscarriage. I'm not even sure what to hope for. Do I want a BFP? I can't tell. A BFP will only mean more waiting. I'm terrified of delaying this process more. I was looking for some closure today, and of course we didn't get any. But, there is the smallest of tiniest chances, and we couldn't just dispose of that tiny chance like it was garbage.

So, beta is set for Monday July 2, but you can bet a million dollars that I will POAS one week from today. That will be 7dp5dt. That's plenty of time for the stick to know.

Trying to cope

Our embryo transfer is scheduled for Saturday. I also scheduled acupuncture. I expect the whole thing to be canceled, but it's scheduled just in case.

I have received a few comments from those of you who have had transfers after retrieving 5 or fewer eggs and/or having 3 or fewer eggs fertilize. While I appreciate your positivity, what you are not realizing is we are doing PGD for a balanced translocation. Without going into details about what that means (you can click on the link of you like) what it boils down to is that only about 10% of embryos are healthy. So, with three embryos there is about a 3% chance that one of our embryos is healthy. This is why I am so negative about there being a transfer. Oh, and if, by some miracle one of these embryos is healthy, there is then a 50% chance that I will pass this translocation on to our child so that he or she will have the same infertility issues that we are having.

Poor T is despondent over all of this. He really thinks everything will not be okay in the end. I hate to see him like this, in such pain. I feel like it's sort of crazy that all of this stuff is happening to us. I just can't believe it. I know it will get easier as time passes, but being in stuck in the middle of it all right now is just awful. We had talked about trying on our own again before moving on to donor, but I'm not sure I think that is the right thing any more. I want to think about these things, but I want to give T some space to grieve. We haven't even received the final answer yet.

So I think I'm not going to try to talk to him about it until after Saturday when we get the final word and then give him a few more days. We are going to my therapist together on Tuesday, so maybe that will help a little in starting the conversation.

I started looking at donors again yesterday. There are a couple that look okay. But as I'm going through these donors, I still can't believe that T isn't going to be biologically related to this child.
I worry about how the child will react to being donor conceived. I am also starting to get worried about whether I can still get pregnant or not. Because I am such a poor responder to the medications, that is not a good indicator of my future fertility. It may take months for me to get pregnant again. Should I even try to get pregnant without some medication?

At work, I was completely unable to focus on anything. Neither my boss nor any of my coworkers were in today. I was tempted to just leave, but we had a volunteer coming in this afternoon. I did have some things to work on, but as I have no ability to focus, I can't seem to force myself to try and work on anything. After waiting for the volunteer to arrive for a long, long time, I decided I couldn't wait any more and I finally left. She arrived about 20 minutes after I left. Sigh.

I have sent out several resumes, but I have only heard back from one place, and I determined it was not the right job for me. I contacted two career counselors. The first one was very expensive, so I wasn't sure about going, but the second one seemed much more reasonable, so I have an appointment with her next week. There are very few jobs that I want without additional training, and my resume just doesn't motivate people to contact me, except for research jobs, which I don't feel like I want any more.

This is all so overwhelming. I'm having trouble reconciling it all. All I want to do is sit at home and craft. But I go to work, waste time and get paid for it. I just feel like everything is a waste.

Update:
T informed me that I forgot to tell his work story today. In the managers' meeting at his work, his boss announced another pregnancy in the group (a close co-worker's wife) and then he said something like, "How many does that make in the last year?" and they proceeded to count off all of the offspring that had been born. And to top that off, one of his co-workers brought in his baby and was showing him off. I told T to go downstairs to get away from the oo-ing and ah-ing. He did, but when T came back upstairs, the new dad was there with the kid saying, "Oh! Here's T! We haven't seen him yet!" Poor T.

fertilization

Only 3 fertilized.

It's pretty much over.

T and I will not be having biological children together.

It's on to the next step. Sperm donation.

We will get the final word on Saturday.

retrieval

They got 5 eggs. Not really what we were hoping for, but it's more than the other two times. Neither of us are feeling optimistic, but this is how it is. I will update more tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night a the BBISP. It was weird to stash my shots in someone else's fridge and just take it out and stick myself in someone else's kitchen. But I wasn't the only one on stims at the party, and it was so comforting to be out in the open. I would like to thank the lovely Lady in Waiting for use of her beautiful home, and it was so nice to see other bloggers in person. I'm so glad I went.

Right now I'm pretty paranoid that I ovulated. I had some major cm on Friday, and now I don't have much of anything. I also can't feel my ovaries any more. I also felt some ovulation-like pain in my right ovary yesterday. I'm also not feeling quite as insane as I have been. It could be all in my head, but I am on a micro-dose of Lu*pron and I wouldn't be the first person to ovulate despite it. Though, I could just be paranoid and everything is fine. I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning.

Today for Father's Day we are going to my parents to have dinner with both of my brothers and their wives and children. Today is a shitty day for poor T who lost his father 5 years ago and who is being stymied at his efforts to become a father himself. He is now medicating himself by playing his brand new video game. It seems to be working for now, though I anticipate him feeling sadder when he's around my nieces and nephew.

It's sunny and warm today, and I'm going to go weed my garden for a little bit. Then I will shower and we will drive over to my parents' house. We will come home and go to bed, and tomorrow we will be at the clinic by 8 am for my retrieval. I hope I don't puke this time.

Things are happening

My follicle count this morning had 4 measurable follicles on each ovary. That's 8, folks. And I think there were a couple of smaller ones still growing. The lead follicle was pretty big. So, it's just one monitoring for me. I trigger Saturday night, and retrieval is Monday. It's funny how I feel like I knew from the start that my retrieval would be Monday. Who needs a doctor for this process? Oh, except for the retrieval.

Saturday night is also the BBISP (Big Boston Infertile Sleepover Party) so I'm hoping that's a good omen. I'm not sleeping over (nor am I drinking) but I'm hoping the synchronicity is a good omen.

I didn't cry after this follicle count. I think this is the first time. I think it was a combination of the number not being too bad and my lack of hope for this cycle. It has a chance to work, but it probably won't. That's all there is.

I have my list of fears for this cycle. We may not have as many follicles as we like. We might have follicles but not a lot of eggs. We may have a lot of eggs but no healthy embryos. We may have a healthy embryo but it won't stick. This last one is the big one. My hugest fear. There it is. In black and white.

But now I have a little more info. The follicle count, while better, still doesn't indicate there will be more than 10 eggs, so our chances are still pretty small. But here we go. This is it. The final cycle. I want to say that I hope it works, but I don't think I can go there. But deep down inside, that is what I want.

Monitoring and more

I had my first blood test yesterday morning. My E2 was over 700 (it's CD 5) and so my Go.nal-F dosage was reduced to a mere (ha!) 300 iu. I can definitely feel my ovaries. I have my first ultrasound with a follicle count on Friday morning. Wait, that's tomorrow, isn't it? Tomorrow.

Yesterday, I finally spoke with my boss about my job situation. I kept it very general and she didn't get defensive, which is a big deal. She has a tendency to get defensive. Of course, I cried. I feel like I cry every day at work. But I told her that I had some chaos at home, and that work was also very chaotic, and that I needed some sort of change. We got the resume of someone qualified to do a part of my job. Actually, she can do the financial stuff that I was forced but don't know how to do, plus help with another part of my job that I had agreed to. So, if we could hire her, I wouldn't have to feel like I abandoned the group. And, I could still do the database work at my job on a part time basis. Now, like everything at my work, this is all up in the air. I don't know exactly what will happen, but we are interviewing that potential person today. This all came up because we were talking about money to hire people, and I wanted to volunteer some of my salary to hire people since I knew I don't want to -- can't -- stay at my job the way it is right now. One of the best things to come out of this is that my boss acknowledged how chaotic it is to work for our group right now. It's crazy. So, we shall see what happens with this woman today.

T was just in the shower and the water turned brown. We live on a city line, and they're doing street work in the city next door. They turned on a hydrant on our street, and it affected the water pressure and the cleanliness of the water. I went outside and explained to the guy that it's affecting out water and we don't live in the city where he's doing work. I'm sure the folks in the other city were warned about water effects, but we weren't. I'm not showered yet. Oy.

The seats we had at the baseball game were incredible. Unfortunately, both the weather and the game sucked. But I was happy to be there for a little while, and T said that he was happy to see the happy, bouncy Rachel that he used to know. We are so sad all of the time now. And of course, him saying he misses the old me made me sad. There is no part of life IF doesn't touch.

I'm off to do my morning shot.

Surviving

I cried again at work yesterday. It's the combination of the nature of my office and the hormones. I really feel like my boss has no idea how awful it is to work there. I've tried to talk to her about it in the past, but it hasn't worked. I think I need to try again. She is out of the office today, and I've decided to work from home. I'm trying to come up with a strategy for talking to her. Do I mention my 'home' issues? She knows about them in the abstract. I suppose it would be okay to say the chaos at home combined with the chaos at work is just too much. Perhaps I should stay away from the word chaos, however. But I want to be able to tell her how awful work is without making her feel defensive. And I feel like if I say it's a combination of elements, both my own and ones from work, that is the best angle to work from. I'll keep thinking about it.

Both T and I had a terrible day yesterday. We didn't sleep that well Sunday night, and perhaps we had some reaction to spending time with baby S. He's such a good baby and so much fun to be around. It's so sad that something so good and happy can make us so, so sad. Though, when we got home I did manage to make T smile a little. That is a good thing.

I have my first blood draw tomorrow. Then after work we're going to see the Red Sox. I called to ask if it was okay to do my shots late and they said it's no problem. I'm always quite exact about taking my shots. I've brought them out with me so that I can do them on time. But I really didn't want to bring them to Fenway Park. So I don't have to. This is a good thing.

Working from home is nice. Maybe I'll apply for some jobs while I'm at it. Is that bad?

Weekend

I had a lovely coffee with ultimatejourney this morning. I sort of felt like I complained the whole time, but it's definitely nice to spend time with someone who really understands the emotional ins and outs of this whole process. I appreciate that she is such a good listener. I'm a bit of a mess right now, so I take every opportunity to unload all my crap. Hope I didn't scare her away...

Last night T and I had a discussion about this cycle. It wasn't a very good one. I told him how I really felt like this cycle wouldn't work. I guess at some point I said I had no hope that it would work. He took this to mean that I didn't hope that it would work. This really hurt him.

That is not what I meant. Of course I hope it works. The ideal outcome of this cycle is that I will be pregnant with a healthy baby that is genetically related to both of us. I just really don't think that is what the outcome will be. We had talked about how difficult these cycles are for me, and how I don't like doing them. However, we decided together that I need to go through this third IVF to make sure that we tried everything we could to try to have a baby together.

T feels like I've left him behind. He has some hope that this cycle might work. See, there is that language that got us all tripped up last night. It's that horrible word. Hope. I have mentally moved on from these IVFs. I don't think they will work, so I am not emotionally invested in the process. I am going through the physical process, which you know is not easy, but I'm not invested in the idea that it will work.

It's a huge process. I have 4 shots per day, plus monitoring, plus the egg retrieval. The hormones alter my attention span, the way I think and the way I feel. I tried to explain to T that just like I can't understand what it's like to carry the translocation, he can't understand what it is like to go through a cycle. He didn't like that. In general, T is a very empathetic man. He appreciates me, and tells me this on a regular basis. He tells me he loves me every day. He constantly tells me how lucky he is to be married to me. I know that other people's husbands do not do things like this, and I think I am lucky to be married to such a sweet man. Despite this, he still can't understand what it's like to go through the IVF process.

He constantly feels guilty that he is putting me through this. He feels guilty that he carries this translocation. I try to tell him that it is not his fault, but he doesn't believe it.

One of my biggest fears is passing the translocation to our children. I told him this last night, and that is when I lost it. He took this to mean that I've moved on and that I don't want to have children with him. He still hopes that we can have a child together. I am just at a loss. I just want a child. I feel like I no longer care who our child is genetically related to. I just want a child. Sometimes I wish I was the one with the translocation. That way we would go ahead with donor egg and we would both be okay.

T is afraid that he won't bond with a child that isn't genetically related to him. This is probably a common fear, but I just don't believe that it is true. Once I am pregnant or we have a baby in the house, I just know he will love it so much. Raising a child is important to him, and when it is here, that is all he will care about. I just don't know how to convince him that this is true.

He says that it's easy for me to say because our child most likely will be genetically related to me. Maybe. But I still think it is true. No matter how we end up getting our children, we will love them unconditionally. I wish I could make him believe that.

All of this is just so hard. It's so unfair. There are no good answers. I guess we have to just sit back and wait to see what happens.

stuck

I gave myself my first micro dose Lu*pron shot this morning. Hope it doesn't make me insane like the Lu*pron did last time. I'm hoping the dilution makes the side effects much smaller. I really don't need any help in the crazy department these days. So cycle #3, the final cycle is under way.

I also have a phone interview this morning. It's for a job I don't really want, but it's for a company in the education field, which is why I applied for it. The job is too administrative for me, however. But I will have the interview just to see what they say. I applied for another job last night as well.

The painters are here to wash the house this morning. That means this whole painting thing is really going to happen! I'm still really excited about it.

Insane work anecdote:
We were in a meeting talking about hiring new people. We have been interviewing for a few weeks and have 2 candidates for 2 jobs where references have been checked and we're ready to go. My boss says, "Great! Let's do it! We're all set." And we ask, "Do we have the funds to pay them?" And my boss says, "Oh. Well, except for that."

Okay, people. I work for an insane person. How are we supposed to offer a job to someone when we don't have any money to pay them? And how does someone who doesn't understand that run a group?

Can't Explain

Had another breakdown at work today. I left and worked from home. I was actually productive at home, and I felt a lot better.

As you know, I don't like my job very much. I am often asked to do things that other people designate as something I'm responsible for when it's completely out of my purview and I really don't know anything about it at all. So, I got an email saying one of the Docs told this person that I could help her with some specifics on a topic about which I only know a small amount. I got frustrated. I complained to some co-workers, which is something I do way too often. One of the co-workers suggested that maybe I should find another job. I freaked out. I told her I was looking. I told her I was sick of feel like crap all of the time. I freaked out more. She was, of course, shocked. I tried to cover by saying I wasn't mad at her, but I was mad at the situation. I left (perhaps stormed) out of the office.

Back in my office, I started to bawl. I called T. He tried to calm me down. I considered starting to work part time. Work tends to come in fits and starts, and I can do much of my work from home, so maybe I can work more from home and only work when there is work to do. T thought this was reasonable. It didn't calm me down much. T told me to go home. I decided T was right, and I went into the co-workers' office, and the one that I freaked out at had left. Others were there and I told them, with my tear-streaked face, that I was going to work from home. They asked if everything was okay. They answered themselves saying that clearly, no, not everything is alright, but I'm going to go home. One said if I wanted to talk, she was there for me. I thought that was nice. This woman has a bt (an one healthy son), so she totally understands. But I didn't want to talk.

When I got home, I emailed the person who had left and apologized. She's a psychologist and she told me not to worry about it.

I complain to much at work. Everybody is having a hard time at work. Working where I work is difficult. Everybody is frustrated. I make it worse by complaining so much. But I can't help it. Complaining at therapy once a week just isn't cutting it these days. I am sad so much of the time, and my injections start soon and it's just going to get worse. Sigh.

Speaking of which, my meds came in the mail today. I'm going to be injecting a hell of a lot of drugs into my system soon. The doctor upped my doses by a lot again. Maybe it will help.

Oy. I just feel like I'm at such a loss. I have no idea how to help myself, and I hate that. I feel like the things I'm trying, like therapy and acupuncture are helping a little bit, but it's clearly not enough. I need to start meditating, but I don't. I should exercise more, but I don't. I will weed my garden this weekend, but that's just one, small thing.

I've made plans to for T and I to hang out with E&R and baby S this weekend. I've been feeling guilty because I haven't seen them in so long. Yes, I had dinner with E, but I haven' t seen S or R in probably 2 months. That makes me feel bad. I used to see them 3 or more times a month. I remember when E was really, really pregnant and thinking how things will never be the same again, and then I think how right I was. Things are just so different now.

Thinking is a funny thing. I need to stop. I need to do some more crafting because that, to me, is satisfying.

Lazy Sunday

Woke up this morning and went for a walk with my friend S. It was nice to be up and about. The weather was a little bit cool, but that is good when you're exercising. T and I are sharing a CSA box with S and her husband. We start getting vegies this week! So exciting!

After the walk, T and I stuffed ourselves with hot dogs! Yum! I don't know why, but I just love hot dogs. I know that they're generally pretty disgusting, but I, and my entire family, love them. So, it's fun to eat all different sorts of hot dogs to compare and see which one is best, especially when it's for charity. I like Pearl hot dogs and Kelly's hot dogs, but those I mostly like because they grill and butter the bun. Yum!

Then we went shopping for lamp shades. We bought lamps for our living room, but the store didn't have matching shades, so we went hunting for some. After looking at a few stores, we decided just to order them online, so that's what I did.

Oh, and yesterday our painter came over and we discussed color for the house. We are all set. We are due for a power wash of the outside this week, and they will start scraping and painting next week. I can't wait! This is our last huge project in our house (at least for a while) and it is going to look so good. I'm very excited.

Lastly, I finished another crochet animal today. Here is my little mouse.

Next, I am knitting a caterpillar.

Not much

I feel like I should blog, but I'm not sure what to blog about. I met with the recruiter. It was okay. We mutually decided that the job I responded to was not for me (it was too administrative), but he had just spoken with some people from an overseas company who have just opened an office in the Boston area who are looking for someone. It's tangentially related to education, which suits my background (partially). So, I figure if they want to interview me, I'll interview. It wasn't a job that knocked my socks off, but I'm keeping an open mind.

Monday is my last BCP. I start injections on Thursday morning. At dinner last night I brought up the concept of trying naturally this month and delaying our IVF cycle because of all my stress. T thought it was a bad idea. He wants to go ahead. I'm not so sure it's a bad idea per se, but I understand why he doesn't want to do it. So, we're going ahead with the cycle. I wish I could feel something aside from quasi-dread about it, but I don't. I'm not sure what to make of it.

We are having our house painted (on the outside) starting this weekend. I'm excited, but also nervous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous, but I am. But our house is peeling really bad, so this will be a good thing. We have a brand new roof, so our house will have had a total makeover.

Sunday I'm going for a walk around a pond with a friend, and then we are going to have all-you-can eat hot dogs for charity. Yum!