I have no idea what's going on

The only real life woman who I discuss my pregnancy stuff with is E. She has dealt with difficulty getting pregnant and miscarriage, so she understands this kind of stuff. She is busy with her baby now, but she definitely tries to find time to talk and listen and commiserate. So, I told her about the BFP and then the BFN. She called to ask how I was doing with all this information, and I said I was feeling okay. I was mostly concerned with how this is going to delay the IVF and how that sucked. I knew that there was a chance of delay when we decided to ttc this month, but I figured it would be for more than a chemical.

Then I got to talking about how I hadn't started bleeding yet and how today was 18 dpo. I also have been taking my bbt the past few days and today my temp was the same as yesterday, so I knew I wouldn't be bleeding again today. I told her that if I didn't bleed by Tuesday I would still go in for that HCG blood test so we could figure out what was going on. She thought that was a good idea. We talked about my symptoms (none, really except my b00bs are ever-so-slightly sore) and she asked if there is any way I thought I could be pregnant. I said that I guess the test could have been wrong or something. Then her baby woke up and she hung up.

Then T and I started talking about it more. It was weird that it was 18 dpo and I had a negative pregnancy test but no bleeding. It was weird that I had a negative pregnancy test and my temp was still above the 'cover line'. This whole situation was weird. He asked if I really thought that pregnancy test could have been wrong. I said that if I took it, it should be positive now, since the ones I have are very sensitive. We though about it. Maybe I should take another one, just in case. So we figured, what the hell? I'll just pee on one more stick.

BFP.

You tell me what is going on.
I guess I'm going in for that HCG test on Tuesday.

False alarm

I'm not pregnant. My bbt dropped so I took another test and it came up a bfn. I probably had a chemical. The line was really light, anyway.

I feel so insane!

Is it wrong if I just forget this ever happened? I'm going to start the pill as soon as a bleed. The biggest problem is I called the OB for my blood test already. I told T I wanted to wait until Tuesday! This is exactly why. Argh! It's amazing how much processing my brain can do in just 24 hours.

I guess I can just tell the OB that I was overzealous. It's really not that far off.

I hope all of this doesn't affect the IVF. I don't think it should.

Oy.

Doing betas

T convinced me to have betas. I'm having blood taken on Tuesday and Thursday.

That way I can sort of calm down, or else drink myself into oblivion in Mexico.

I also might pee on another stick.

I'm trying to not be insane, but it doesn't stop. Still feeling twinges. Thought I might feel a little nausea earlier, but I also think I might be making the whole thing up in my head.

I hope this is good, though.

BFP

Well, it's true. I'm pregnant.

I'm in such denial. T wants me to have blood tests to see if my HCG numbers are doubling. I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to have a D&C and I don't want to walk around knowing I've miscarried and waiting for it to take care of itself.

We are going to Mexico on Jan 9. Do I need to do anything before then? Do I have to do anything special while I'm there? I hope I don't have some sort of medical emergency while I'm there.

I'm sort of freaking out about this. Our IVF will definitely be delayed. I know that sounds kind of stupid, but I just feel so sure that this pregnancy won't work out. I know there is a chance that it will, but I just can't have any hope about it right now. I'm kind of in denial about it.

I really don't have many symptoms. I feel some twinges. My b00bs are only very slightly sore. I'm a little more tired than usual, I think. But maybe I'm just making it all up.

I guess I have to call the OB at some point. I figure that by Tuesday I'll be ready to do it. That makes sense, right?

POAS crazy

So I stopped at the pharmacy because the BFN was the last pg test in the house. I went to peeonastick.com to see which was best. I bought the CVS brand 3 pack. Anyway, not being able to wait until morning, I used it. What came up was a very, very faint positive. VERY faint. So I guess I'm going to POAS again in the morning. Why you ask? I must refer you to peeonastick.com.

I'm still not convinced I'm pregnant. I really think this is a chemical and that I will start bleeding soon. I have decided that if I bleed before Tuesday I'm going to pretend that this never happened and start the pill the day I start bleeding so we can go ahead with our IVF protocol as scheduled.

If I don't bleed before Tuesday, I will need to make an appointment with an OB to figure out what's going on.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas!

Strange stuff

So, I was expecting af Sunday or Monday. I'm not charting, so that may have been on the early side, but I was expecting something. Nothing happened, so I decided to POAS. I have one of those tests that says 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant' and it came up a BFN. But looking at the lines, there was definitely a light second line.

I have no symptoms, save some uterine twinges. I can't imagine that I'm pg. But still no af. I guess it's still a little early. If nothing happens tomorrow I'm going to have to POAS on Thursday.

This is all so weird.

Delays again

In order to proceed with our IVF cycle, we have to have 'genetic counseling' with someone from our PGD lab. The lab closes on Friday until the new year. We are away (yay!) from January 9-January 16. Therefore, the next available phone appointment is on January 25, 2007. Therefore, things are delayed again. I suppose it's only by just over a week, but we have been trying to get this going since October and it feels like forever.

But I'll go on the pill as soon as af comes, and then I'll start the injectibles after this 'counseling' session. The annoying this is, this 45 min phone call is simply going to tell us what PGD does. We *know* what it does, but of course they have to go over this so we can't claim we didn't know that our PGD probe couldn't screen for trisomy 21. Feh.

So, I'm trying to relax knowing we're going to start in just over a month. But me and relaxation don't go together so well. This is why we need a vacation.

Probe is a go

I got a call today from my RE's office that the PGD probe is ready. So, they're ready to check a biopsied embryo. So, we're able to start the IVF. But I'm mid-2ww/waiting for af right now, and we truly won't be able to start until after our vacation. But at least I know we can start right after vacation. I hope I remember everything from my injection lesson. I can have a refresher online, I know. And I hope I understand my protocol. I see all the IFers out there knowing exactly what's going on with their drugs and whatnot, and I feel clueless. I know I'll have a lot of support from my PGD coordinator, but it still seems kinda scary.

Anyway, I have needles to look forward to when we get back from out trip.

I am so looking forward to going away to sun and warmth. Actually, it's been uncharacteristically warm here in New England, but I'm still looking forward to going away.

Time to make dinner.

Ups and Downs

I've started my new job. It's fine. The commute can't be beat, the people are nice, and I'm trusted to do work on my own. The work that we're doing is well respected and beneficial to families and society. These are all good things for me. But I'm having a crisis of faith in myself, I guess. I may have mentioned this before, but I just sometimes feel like I wasted my brain with my work life. If I were still a teacher, I don't think I would feel this way. But I just don't feel like I have a career. I feel like I'm just pushing paper around. The people who were doing the work that I am taking over are just SO excited to get rid of it. I feel like they're dumping all of the shit work on me. When I took this job, I knew I would have to do this work, but I guess I'm just not feeling that good about it or something. T tells me that in a few months after this paperwork is all straightened out that things will be better. Perhaps that is true. But I just kind of feel like shit about the work that I do. I mean, I could have a PhD or a law degree or something. Granted, I didn't want to do these things. I could have stayed with my database work instead of becoming a teacher and be a programmer and moving up on that latter, but I'm not. I didn't want to work in the for-profit world, so I left. I don't regret my teaching. I just regret no longer being a teacher. Why don't I go back? Well, I was miserable when I was a teacher. So I left. I was happy at my last job that was like this one, so maybe I just need to give it some time. I just sort of feel like crap about it. I feel like a glorified secretary. I'm worried that I'm going to have to take meeting minutes. I can't take meeting minutes. I suck at that.

Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want to work hard.

Trying

So, it's about my fertile time already, so I guess we're going to ttc this month. It's weird. I'm not charting, but I have taken my temp a little. It seems weird. But, if it works, then we'll be in a good place. And if it doesn't work, we're in the same place we are now (minus a few thousand dollars that we paid to the PGD clinic which will probably not refunded by our health insurance).

E came over last week with baby S. He's 5 months now and pretty huge. He's a really good baby -- hardly cries and it is easy to figure out what he wants when he's fussy. He doesn't nap particularly well, only about 45 min at a time, but sleeps reasonably well at night if he's swaddled. He rolled over one time, but one time only. As I was talking to him, and I suppose teasing him or asking him in silly baby talk about these things, you know, trying to encourage him to roll over and in a silly voice asking him why he doesn't sleep longer, E seemed to take offense and say, kiddingly, "Hey! Stop judging my kid!" I was shocked. I didn't mean anything by these statements. I didn't feel like I was judging him. But I guess I have to be more careful about what I say. I just was sort of teasing, I guess. I only want what's best for him, and I do think he's a really good baby. This sort of freaked me out. I've decided to ignore it for the most part, but I really don't need to be alienated from them even more. I'm trying really, really hard not to grow apart from them. It's getting more and more difficult for me, and I don't want something like this to drive a wedge between us. So I guess I just have to be more careful. It bums me out a little because there are few people where I really don't feel I need to edit myself, but I guess this isn't the case. E is doing a great job with S, and he is a happy, healthy and really good baby.

E is a little paranoid, though. While I was doing the throw the baby in the air thing (not really throwing, but lifting him up and loosening my grip a little) and little S was squealing with delight and really, really laughing, she said she was worried about shaken baby syndrome. Oy.

I go to work tomorrow. So crazy. It's just orientation, so it really won't tell me anything about whether I'll like my job or not. But at least I'm going to get paid again.

Here comes another 2ww, I suppose.

Stopped the pill

So, since everything is far off from happening, I spoke to my PGD coordinator at our IVF place and we decided together that I should go off the pill for a month. I was sick of the spotting and think it was affecting my moods, so I wanted out. She agreed with me, and the timing wouldn't change at all whether I was on or off the pill. We will not do a cycle until mid-January, and the thought of being on the pill continuously until then sent me into a tizzy. So, I'm off, af came and went, and I am in a much better place. E told me about an acquaintance who is pg, and that made me cry, so I'm not at quite 100%, but I definitely feel better. I think we'll sneak in the ttc stuff this month too. Might as well, right? If it works, we get out of IVF. If it doesn't work at all, things will go forward as planned. If I end up with another mc, it will probably delay things for about 6-12 weeks. I think it might be worth it.

T has been sick for a week. He's been home with me, which is nice, but he's been sick, which sucks. He's slowly getting better, but it can be tough to put up with a sicky for that long. He's also had tons of work to do, so he's been working from home. I've been domestic. I shortened some pants, made a draft stopper that matches our throw pillows and am working on curtains for our bedroom. The sewing machine is getting a workout.

Oh, and I also have a job. I start on Monday the 11th of December. I'm definitely glad to have some place to go -- I'm ready to not be home anymore and to get 'distracted' from all of my over thinking. I think this is a good job. It's doing good works -- research on autistic kids -- and the people there are definitely 'my kind' of people. So, I hope it's a better choice than my last job. It should be. And the commute is amazing. It's driving, but it's less than 10 minutes away, which is incredible. So, I'm not excited about the job per se, but I think it will be good. I hope it will be good. The last thing I need is another crappy job.

I guess I best be getting back to sewing.

Still just waiting

No word from the PGD lab. So, we're officially not starting until after the first of the year. This wait is killing me. I've been on bcps the whole time. I mean, we could have ttc'ed for 1 or 2 more months instead of me being on the pill the whole time. I'm pissed about it a little. And being on the pill continuously for 7 weeks now is messing with me. I'm more cranky than I usually am. And the spotting! I may not have had my period for almost 2 months now, but I'm spotting every day and it's making me nuts. I'm going to call my PGD coordinator today to see if I should just take a week off and bleed already. But I'm really pissed about this whole thing. I should have never gone on the pill yet. Maybe they didn't know that for sure, but I'm still annoyed. I'm sick of waiting to start this.

It was our anniversary this weekend. Poor T is sick as a dog and we didn't do anything to celebrate. We were going to go out to dinner, but he didn't feel well enough to go. So, we've been ttc for 11 months now and nothing. I'm really frustrated that I feel stuck right now. I need to be moving forward. I'm surrounded by babies and children, and it's starting to make me nuts. Alice Domar says that stress doesn't affect fertility, but depression does. I have sort of reduced my stress, but all of this waiting is increasing my depression. I don't want to get depressed, but I just see me getting sadder and sadder.

Well, I'm currently unemployed, so that might not help things. It's the best thing that I'm not at my old job, and I've had a job offer, so maybe I won't be unemployed much longer. We also bought an elliptical for our house as an early holiday present. We need to exercise. I'm hoping that doing exercise will help. And I'm trying to do focused breathing to reduce the stress.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless. I mean, I suppose I have a small amount of hope, but it doesn't feel like it's enough to sustain me until this process actually starts. For my own sanity, I need to be in the process of ttc right now. And I'm not. Not even close.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I had my IVF injection lesson on Friday. I'm okay with it. I'm so ready to start that I think sticking myself with needles won't be so bad. The problem? I have no idea when we'll be able to start. I don't think it will be until the end of January.

Our PGD probe probably won't be ready for 3-6 more weeks. The PGD lab closes from Dec 17 through Jan 1. We're going to Mexico in mid-January. So we probably won't start until after then.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Mexico. T's job is going on an office trip (they're a travel company) and they get to bring spouses or significant others. That's me! We never went on a honeymoon, so we're going to extend the trip and use it as our honeymoon trip. We're going here. Nice, no?

I am just so ready to start. I wonder if we can start the drugs while the place is closed in anticipation of egg removal and PGD and transfer between the beginning of the year and going to Mexico. It's a possibility. Still, January feels far. February even further. If we didn't need PGD we'd have started by now.

Oh, did I mention I quit my job? Yup, I had to go. The place I work is bad. I don't have another job yet, but I could no longer associate myself with my place of work. Better to not work at all than work there. I had T's blessing, and I am absolutely sure that it was the right thing for me to do. It's like the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

A Few Words

I don't feel much like talking. Life is keeping me busy right now. I've had a few job interviews last week, and I'm having a bunch more coming up. I'm really hoping to find a better place than the one where I'm working now. I blogged about whether or not to take this new job. In some ways I'm glad I took it -- I haven't been bored. But in others, I wish I hadn't. The culture at my new office is just not a good fit. For example, I was talking to the Executive Director on Thursday about getting my wisdom teeth out. He said to me (not knowing about T and my reproductive situation), "It could be worse. You could be having a baby. Hahaha." I just looked at him and said, "Having a baby isn't bad." His response? "Well, in terms of pain it is." I just didn't say anything else. Of course, the day before was the due date of our second pregnancy. So, I just need to get the hell out of that place. I need to be somewhere where people have an iota of sensitivity and common sense. I hate where I work.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I'm doing pretty well, but I'm not my regular self quite yet. I'm starting to eat more solid food now, which is good. We have an injection lesson on Friday when I guess I will learn my protocol. I don't know when the probe will be ready for the PGD, so we won't start injecting until then. I assume I'll learn about how to go about getting the medications and whatnot on that day as well.

In one week from now we're having a large part of our upstairs stripped of wallpaper and repainted. Maybe we can be more organized after this. We will finally be able to put things away. My brother and sister-in-law gave us their old kitchen table, which is nice. It looks good in our kitchen. I'm pleased.

So I'm keeping very busy. I hope you all are doing okay as well.

Falling back

I didn't have my job interviews on Thursday. Both interviewers called on the same day saying that they needed to postpone. Luckily, I was able to postpone to Monday for both, and on Thursday another potential job called me and I also have a phone interview on Monday. So I have an informational interview, a phone interview and an actual interview on Monday. No going to work. Then, on Friday, I have my teeth out. I am very nervous about the teeth, but I have pain, so I'm also anxious to have them out. Actually, only one hurts, but all four will come out anyway.

We had an estimate done for our two rooms plus a huge hall closet that we haven't done over since we bought the house. By done over, I mean have the horrible '70s wall paper removed, and have them painted a 'normal' color. We are also having the trim in the hallway done. Happily, they're going to put on some gel stain over the paint and make it look dark, like the stain in the hallway. I didn't think it would be possible to make it dark. I thought we would have to strip all the paint off the door jams and whatnot, which would be incredibly time-consuming (meaning expensive, since we're paying someone else to do it). Happily, during the estimate, the painter told us otherwise. Woo hoo! I'm so excited to get this done. We moved in over a year ago, and we still have boxes of crap lying around these two rooms. It will make me so happy to get this done. I am trying to relieve myself of stress, and I think this will help.

And how's this for typical. I'm beginning to worry about the stress I'm going to feel during the upcoming IVF. I think I have to stop reading blogs for a while. It totally works me up, and I get so worked up so easily that I think I just need to distance myself. I need things from another place and time that are not about getting pregnant or babies. I'm going to stick with my SF and fantasy novels for a bit, I think. I'm knitting like a madwoman and generally trying to keep myself busy, but not too busy. Hopefully I can find an interesting yet flexible job.

I really need the new job to be flexible because of all of the doctors appointments I will have coming up. I told my current boss that I might be undergoing IVF just after I accepted. In retrospect, I sort of regret that decision. Not because I don't want work to know, but because I really don't like my boss and don't like that she has this bit of private information of mine. I feel like it's none of her business. However, I want my lovely co-worker J to be updated with what is going on. Her, I like and trust. The boss-lady, not so much.

It's windy out and I made a lovely sausage-vegie soup for dinner. T is playing his video game as I'm typing this. I'm still just so excited to get these rooms done. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Very Busy

I feel busy. There's so much stuff going on. I almost feel like I can't breathe. I took today off to make up for some of the extra time I spent on my horrible trip last weekend. It was nice to not go to work today. Tomorrow we're going to a friend's wedding. Sunday is my nephew's 10th birthday party.

I have two interviews next week. One is an informational interview at one of the universities around here. The other is an actual job interview at one of the huge hospitals in the area. I'm very excited at the prospect of getting away from my job. It is definitely a huge source of stress for me. We were assured by the insurance coordinator at the IVF place that if we switched to T being the 'owner' of our insurance, we would not lose out approval since T's company uses the same insurance company. In fact, as I type this I am recalling that I was going to call up the insurance company to make sure this is accurate. I guess I forgot. Too late now. I don't really have enough privacy at work to make those sorts of phone calls. But anyway, I'm excited that I have the ball rolling for a new job.

Next, I'm going to have all four of my wisdom teeth out on November 3rd. Oy. But I need to get this done. I still have jaw pain, and I need to finish this before I start the IVF process. This is good timing as I'm certain I'm not pregnant due to being on the pill. I'm a little nervous about it, but relieved that I will be under general anesthesia.

Lastly, we have an injection lesson scheduled for November 10th. This is when I learn how to stick myself with needles. Soon after this, the whole process will start. We had both of our bloods sent off so that the biotech people can create the probe. We have four huge consent forms to sign in order to get all of this done. I'm also inquiring about doing acupuncture along with the IVF. I need something to help reduce my stress.

So, there's lots of stuff going on. I think working full time is plenty enough. I really need to find a way to calm myself down. It's so cyclical. Thinking about the fact that I'm stressed stresses me out. I just need to breathe away my stress.

Starting anew

I have started birth control pills. I know that's weird for someone who is trying to get pregnant, but as most of you know, that is the first step before starting an IVF cycle. We went to see our RE last week, and since I had af at the time of my visit, he suggested I start bcps in order to stop the creation of the FSH that he wants to control with injections in the near future. So, we're on our way to our first IVF cycle. We need to get all the financial stuff set with the PGD people, and we need to send our blood off to them so they can create the probe in order to test the biopsied cell from our future embryos. (Isn't making babies romantic?)

Anyway, the thing is, we're starting the process. So, no ttc this month for us. Since I'm supposed to have at least one of my wisdom teeth out soon, it's good that I won't be pregnant for it. So I have to make sure to get that done soon. Hurray.

Meanwhile, I had a fiasco of a business trip to Albuquerque, NM this weekend. It was kind of an 'anything that can go wrong, will go wrong' scenario. The most obvious of which was, when I got to my hotel, they didn't have a reservation for me until the next day. It was midnight local time (which was 2 am Boston time). I had to sleep on a cot in the room of a woman I had never met before. Yay. I could go on, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, it sucked. I have two comp days coming to me. I think I might take one on Friday, and the other when I get my teeth out.

I can't believe I'm taking birth control pills.

Doubtful

This morning I woke up and my b00bs weren't sore, so I'm pretty convinced that I'm not pg. As the day went on they became a little bit sore, but I still think that I'm not pg. I think T wants me to POAS anyway, so I think I might. If for some odd reason it is +, I'm certain it wouldn't last. But I think it will be a -.

We are both getting really down about this situation. I know we have all of this hope in front of us with the IVF coming up and all. But I don't understand why we haven't got pg again. We've been trying for 7 months since my last m/c and nothing. I got pg two months in a row without trying very hard. We've been trying a lot for the last 7 and nothing. I just don't get it. It's making both of us sad.

We saw E & R and baby S this morning. He's getting so big and he's smiling and holding his head up on his own. It's cute. But I feel a distance between us. When there is a baby, everything is centered around the baby, and I just can't deal with it that much right now. I mean, when I'm with him I play with him and talk to him and all that, but as soon as they're gone I get so sad. I just feel like it's awkward between us and I don't really like that. Poor E is working from 6 to 4 four times a week without complaint. I think that's pretty impressive. I don't think I could do that without complaining. She's a real trooper. Maybe she's just trying hard not to complain because she has a baby. I don't know.

We had such a nice day today. We went to an arts festival up almost in NH. T bought me a necklace from a local jewelry artist. I was knitting the second sock with the yarn I bought in Portland while T was driving around. Then we had some fabulous barbecue. The we went to LL Bean and I bought some winter boots. My feet are small, so I'm lucky enough to fit in kids boots. They're way better and way cheaper. So we had this lovely day together. But then we get home and we both feel a little sad. I'm so, so tired of feeling sad. And I worry because things aren't that bad for us. Does that mean we will always be a little sad, no matter what?

We are so happy together as a couple. We both know we were meant to be together. T is so sweet and he tells me this all of the time. But because of this balanced translocation, there is some piece of us that will always feel lost. When I ask T what's wrong when he is feeling sad, he'll sometimes say to me, "I am broken on a fundamental level." It makes me feel so awful when he says this. I want to say something or do something to make him feel better, but I can't. I just tell him that it isn't his fault. He didn't do anything bad to make this happen, and it has nothing to do with him personally. But this doesn't really help him.

So are we doomed to be sad forever? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but what if the IVF with PGD doesn't work out? There will always be a little part of him that will keep this feeling and there is nothing I can do about it. I just don't know how to cope with this.

It's true that we only feel this way some of the time. We still laugh, have fun and go about our lives. But in the end, this feeling always comes back. How do we make this go away forever?

Dental News

So, I was nervous all day waiting for the dentist. I hadn't been there before, and I had to fill out a big history sheet. On it it asked if I was pregnant. I answered possibly.

I told him about my pain, and that I thought the broken tooth was my wisdom tooth. All he did was stick a mirror in there to look at it and said, "Yup. It's your wisdom tooth. You need to get that extracted."

And I said, "I'm going to have to do that with general anesthesia." The thought of someone pulling out my tooth with just novocaine makes me have panic attacks.

So he said, "Well, if they're going to put you out anyway, you should get all four of them out. The same thing that's happening with this one will probably happen to the others."

Oy. So I got a referral to some oral surgeons, and I'm going to make an appointment. When I find out whether I'm pg or not, I'll figure something out. Well, if I'm not pg, I gotta get that shit pulled. But if I am, I have to figure out whether or not I can get it done. The dentist said I should be able to get it done, and that it's better to have it pulled while pregnant than have it get infected while pregnant. But we'll have to see.

In 2ww news, my b00bs are finally starting to get sore. It's day 8. That's when they got sore both times I was pg. But we'll see. I'm thinking of PingOAS on Sunday morning. It's really difficult to wait. That would be 12dpo. That's long enough, right? Especially if I do it first thing in the morning. Right?

Dentist

Bad teeth run in my family. My Nana had bad teeth, my Dad has bad teeth, and I have bad teeth. Unlike my Nana and my Dad, however, I have a rabid fear of the dentist. I practically cry just thinking about the fact that I have to go to the dentist. I already have 3 crowns, and I currently have a broken tooth that is sometimes quite painful. After putting off making a dentist appointment for the last 3 or 4 months, I finally have one next week. But, as we are ttc, I'm afraid of what the dentist will have to do with me. I cannot tolerate any procedure without being thoroughly numbed. I cannot have x-rays done until I'm certain I am not pg (I should be able to test on Oct 10). I just don't know what he's going to say or do or what. It's making me crazy. I think it's my wisdom tooth that's broken, though. So, hopefully I can just have it pulled and that should be the end of it. But, in order to have a tooth pulled, I need general anesthesia. I will not endure a tooth pull locally. I will freak out. But if I'm pg, I can't get general anesthesia. So this is my new obsession-- what will happen with the dentist. Sigh.

I'm on cd 5. No sore b00bs, but I feel like I've got extra cm going on down there. But not much to report on the 2ww front. Just more waiting.

Keep your chins up, everybody.

Longer than I thought

I spoke with the PGD embryologist today. In order for the big biotech to be able to do the PGD, we have to fill out the financial packet and send in payment. Then we can have our blood drawn so they can make the 'pattern' in order to perform the PGD. It takes 6-12 weeks from the time they recieve the blood to be ready to perform our specific PGD, so I definitely won't be starting fertility meds soon. It's going to be at least two months.

So, this isn't my last 2ww. If we're not pregnant, we'll have next month to try again.

It's so weird. The NP told me I should be able to start right away, and knew we had to do PGD. I was feeling time pressure because I didn't want to put it off if I didn't have to. I have all these appointments bunched up so I could fit them in before af was due. The NP even told me the people I needed to call. It came as such a shock that it would be so long. If they had just said it can take 2 -3 months until we would be ready for the PGD then I wouldn't feel disappointed, but now I sort of do. It's only a slight sense of disappointment, though, because I felt like things were happening so quickly and I didn't understand anything that was going on. Now I feel like I understand what is going on better. But, I'm still a little disappointed that I was lead to believe this was going to start happening right away.

Still, all and all things are going as well as they can in the trying to make a baby department.

My friend E is returning to work already. Baby S is going to be 3 months. Time goes by so quickly.

The beginning of the beginning

We had an RE appointment in the middle of the day Friday. T had to leave work and drive there, but it's close enough to my work that I can walk. I was planning to be gone about an hour. We hoped the dear doctor wasn't running too far behind. There was one other couple in the waiting room when we got there. It was five minutes before our appointment time when we arrived. Reasonably quickly the other couple was called in, and we were left to ourselves in the waiting room. People started coming in and leaving as we were waiting. About a half an hour after our appointment was supposed to occur, someone comes in to tell us our RE had to be called into the ER and perform emergency surgery, and that we wouldn't be able to see him. After silently wondering what type of surgeries REs perform, we were informed we would be able to see the NP so that our time wouldn't be wasted. We waited about 20 more minutes before we were able to see her.

The NP seemed nice and very capable. She, of course, knew nothing of us personally, but she took some notes to give to the doctor so he can create a protocol for us, and told us who to call and which appointments to make so that we could get all set up and not waste time. I was on day 12, and she didn't see why, if everything went smoothly, I wouldn't be able to start my BCPs on day 1 of my next cycle.

Since I was on cd 12, we asked if we should try this one last time before starting IVF. I was thinking in my head that we should. T agreed with me on that one. Even if we end up miscarrying, I want to know we tried as best we could to conceive the old fashioned way. The NP also said that IVF is such a huge deal, and if there's any way to have a successful pregnancy without it, you should. So, we're going to ttc one last time before starting this journey. Worst case scenario, we have another miscarriage and put off the IVF for three (or so) months. Best case scenario we have a healthy baby in 9 months. Middle scenario, we start IVF next month.

So I guess we'll have one more 2ww. We're beginning our long road, but so far, I feel like things are going our way.

The strangest thing

We're back. It was nice to get away. Portland, OR is such a lovely city. We also took an overnight trip to Bend, OR and toured around central OR. So cool. We drove through Bakeoven, which is one of the smallest towns I've ever seen. We stayed at the Old St. Francis School, which I recommend. McMenamins has a bunch of restaurant/hotel/movie theater places created from former public buildings. They buy them cheap, fix them up, and post information about the history of the place. What a great idea! The food is good and if you stay, you can see movies for free! We saw Cars. It was cute.

So, alas I did not even have to POAS. AF started one day before I expected. That means that I'm convinced I've had at least one chemical pregnancy between now and then. I've been getting so down about this. It's 6 months since the last time we were officially pregnant. I know that's not long in the IF world, but it's coming on the time I would have been due, and it's getting more difficult to remain optimistic. So I've been feeling sad lately.

My cell phone rang at work. It was about 4:45. It was the insurance coordinator at my RE's office. She said, "You've been approved for your IVF cycle." I couldn't believe it! This wasn't even an appeal. This was a first try. We're not supposed to get coverage. So I yelled, "No way!" She insisted that yes, we've been approved. I asked, "For just one cycle?" Those I know in MA with a balanced translocation were covered for only one cycle. Her answer? "For three cycles." My head spins. Three cycles?!?! With no appeal?!?!?

I can't believe it. We're approved for three IVF cycles. Three.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Gone for a while

I'm leaving tomorrow on business, so I'm not going to be posting for a while. My 2ww will be over by the time I post again. I'm not sure how to read my body. I have sore b00bs, which seems to be the norm at this point. My bbts are not very high, which I think isn't a particularly good sign. But, this time I feel like I've been having some uterine twitches -- menstrual-like cramps, but it's way too early for that. I'm trying like H-E double hockey sticks to not read too much into that, but failing. However, given my low bbts, I feel like I shouldn't keep my hopes up. I'll probably bring a pee stick along with me to the Pacific Northwest. But tomorrow it's just to Baltimore.

I hope everybody has a nice couple of weeks!

Food

Last night we had dinner with my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and my two nieces, and some friends of the family. It was so lovely. We had steak, fresh corn on the cob, and I made a fresh blueberry pie with in-season wild blueberries, and it was super delicious. It was a little bit runny, but I'm told that's how fresh blueberry pies are. It didn't look too pretty, but it was so super yummy. I love blueberries. These were tiny, but so flavorful. Yum.

Today we are going food shopping so that I can have the ingredients I need to feed 6 people on Monday night. I'm going to make homemade mac&cheese with this eggplant/tomato hors d'oeuvre yummy thing and a salad, with peach/mixed berry crisp for dessert. Should be super yummers. I love cooking for people. I don't do it often enough. I've felt to busy lately, anyway. Although, I did cook for E&R recently. Was that last week?

Looking for pg signs, but finding none. It's early yet, but I just can't help myself. For some reason I'm not feeling particularly hopeful right now. But as we all know, I'm a big exaggerator, creator of symptoms, and making nothing into something. I just can't help myself.

We went to see the RE yesterday. T's semen analysis was excellent. I asked about Human Sperm Karotyping, and he didn't know anything about it. T and I are curious about seeing what percentage of sperm carry an unbalanced number of chromosomes and what number are normal. If, say, 95% of his sperm are unbalanced, the chances of us carrying to term is extremely low. But it doesn't seem like this test is well known or performed often, so I don't think it's going to happen.

With our current insurance, our initial appeal will be flat-out rejected. Our second appeal may get us one IVF cycle only. I am feeling saddened and frustrated by this. We have to be unable to conceive for a calendar year in order to get IVF coverage. Right now that means we would have to not be able to get pg until February or March or something. I'm getting discouraged about things these days, so it doesn't seem impossible that this will be true. But I feel so impatient about this. It's taking way too long. I will be 35 in May. Ugh. Just writing that down is freaking me out. If we don't have a baby until I'm like 36, how are we ever going to be able to have a second one? I'm feeling pretty negative right now. I'm afraid that we will get one IVF cycle and we'll get a BFN or there will be no 'normal' (for lack of a better work) embryos. I'm afraid of passing this bt on to my children and them having to go though this. I'm afraid of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, which will put off having additional insurance. I'm also afraid of not ttc anymore because there are people with bt who have healthy babies through persistence. This whole thing sucks, and it's rearing its ugly head in our lives again.

Good thing out next two weeks are totally chaotic.

Just a regular Wednesday

Same old same old here. I'm entering my 2ww. My ovulation has been kind of weird lately. My bbts are rising gradually and sometimes I can't figure out my cm situation. Like this morning I had some fertile cm even though my bbt had gone way up. But it was just in the morning, so maybe it was leftover? I don't know. I feel like when I first started this whole ttc thing I could read my signs better than I can now. I mean, I suppose things could have changed a bit, but I thought individuals were more consistent than that. I don't really know.

I have a lot of stuff coming up to fill up my 2ww. First it's the holiday weekend. Then I got to Baltimore for work on the 6th and 7th. It's back to work on the 8th, but I'm leaving early to go to a concert with T. And then we leave for Oregon early on the 9th. I'm still trying to decide whether to bring a pg test to Oregon. We'll be staying with T's mom, so I feel kind of weird about it. But it's not like she doesn't know what's going on with us. I could wait til we get back and it would be about 16dpo, so that could work okay. And if AF arrives, then I'll know my answer anyway. I just decided last cycle to POAS on day 14 every month now, and this is a deviation from that, but I probably can live with it. I guess I can decide based on my symptoms. And I could always bring it and not use it. We'll see.

Friday's our appt with the RE, and we'll work on insurance stuff at that point. Time keeps marching on. It's almost September.

HSG is done

I had my HSG today. The actual test kind of sucked. It's never great to have people shoving stuff all up in my business, and when they inserted the contrast medium a huge air bubble formed which made the doctor shift the catheter thingy around. That hurt like hell, but I didn't really cramp much afterward. The good news is that my RE said that everything looked normal. That's what we expected since I have been able to get pregnant before, so it wasn't like this was a big relief, but it was good to get confirmation that everything looks okay. He didn't have the results of my FSH or T's SA yet, but we have an appointment next week to go over everything and start the insurance process, so we'll learn all about it soon. It's better to get those answers when it all can be explained anyway.

Tonight T and I brought a letter of recommendation to a former co-worker of his. They were grilling in the yard and spontaneously invited us in for some wine and to share their dinner with him. After much hesitation, we finally agreed and had a wonderful time. We had fun talking and T and J did much gossiping and reminiscing about people at T's place of work. We had so much fun. They live in this cute little house in this cute little suburban neighborhood across the street from a park with a pond. It was so quiet -- so different from where T and I live. It was really nice. We need to make sure to invite them over. These are people we could be friendly with. We need more friends.

On Saturday E&R are coming over our house with baby S. This will be their first attempt to have the baby for an extended period at someone else's house. As E said, if there's anybody for them to try this out with, it's us. I think it should go well. R's still having a bit of trouble adjusting to life with baby. I hope he finds whatever it is he needs to adjust soon.

I hope this HSG isn't too close to my fertile time. Today is cd10. I just saw the start of sticky cm before my appointment. I don't know if the hostile environment of the iodine and contrast medium will delay ovulation a bit, or if things will continue as normal. If things do continue as normal, is it too close to ovulation time and has made my uterus not a nice place to live? I didn't ask the RE that question. I did ask the question about improving our chances of getting pregnant within the next few months after the HSG. He said that older literature said that this was true, but he's not sure about more current literature. But he did say, "It definitely can't hurt." So that's what I'm living with.

I'm ready for this to happen.

Sunday night

There's not much going on here at Henry Street this week. I made a yummy dinner -- we bought fresh fusilli from the pasta place down the street and I made some wonderful meat sauce to go with it. Our neighbor gave us some tomatoes from her garden and I put them in there. I have to say it was quite delicious. I also made some chocolate/peanut butter/oat cookies which were super yummy, and we drank some Chianti, so it was a lovely dinner. I haven't spent the day making things in the kitchen for a long time. I found it relaxing and enjoyable.

Yesterday we went to our favorite fireworks festival. In the morning we went to a local 'maple barn' for brunch. I had some delicious blueberry pancakes. They served the maple syrup warm, and it was quite lovely. We even got a maple shake to go as we walked around and checked out the sugar shack. The fireworks were incredible, as usual. This year it was a little more mellow than before, and they had a piece with bits of recorded material from people whose husbands or fathers were in the Army in Iraq. I have to say that made me quite sad, and I imagined that many people at the festival had relatives in Iraq, and I can't imagine enjoying the fireworks as much as they might have had they been not reminded of the danger their loved ones faced. I don't know anybody in Iraq personally, but that piece made me cry, and with all of the slow songs afterward, it made the fireworks a little bit difficult to appreciate in the ecstatic way that I usually do with fireworks, but I enjoyed it just the same. The fireworks at this event are the most wonderful fireworks I've ever seen in my life, though. They are so well choreographed and focused on color, and we are able to sit right underneath them. They had these huge fireballs where you could feel the heat when they went off. It was amazing. We read about a week long fireworks festival in Spain that we would love to go to someday. We never went on a honeymoon, so we are considering trying to go to that sometime. It would be incredible. I adore fireworks.

T did his semen analysis last week, and he said it was awful. My blood draw wasn't too bad. She had to poke me twice, though, probably because I drank the night before and had coffee that morning. Dehydration doesn't do good things for the veins. My HSG or whatever it is that I'm having is on Thursday and our doctor's appointment with the RE is September 1st. I expect that my fertile time will be this coming weekend (right after the test) and we will ttc as usual. Hopefully this test will do good things for us, but we'll see. I'm feeling pretty skeptical right now, but I'm sure I will convince myself I'm pregnant again, as I always do.

Our roof is all finished, and the squirrel seems to be gone. It looks really good. The leak in the attic is no longer there. We should have a new fridge by next week (we will call on Friday), so things seem to be moving forward in all sorts of ways. It's weird how that despite all of that, I still feel kind of stuck.

Trying to move forward

I've been wallowing for the past few days. I don't know how people try every month for an entire year with no results. It's excruciating. This cycle will be our 8th cycle with 2 pregnancies and 2 detectable losses. My pregnancies feel like they were so long ago. I was always sad when I miscarried, especially with the second one, (devistated, really) but I felt like I was able to move on. I'm finding myself thinking about how the due dates of my miscarriages are coming up and it makes me feel so empty. I was IMing with E this morning, and just thinking about her home with baby S made me sad. I just feel like I don't know what we're going to do, and that it can take so many years to have a baby happen and I just don't have that much time.

So, between talking to our therapist and needing to do something, I've set up appointments. T has his semen analysis on Thursday, which is the same day I will have my day 3 blood tests. On the 24th I am having some sort of uterine cavity x-ray with contrast dye. I don't know the name of this test, but I was told to take 3 ibuprophen 1 hour before the test, so I don't much like the way that sounds. If anybody knows anything about this, please let me know. ME, is this the "blow the cobwebs out" test you mentioned to me the other day?

Anyway, we then have a follow up appointment with our RE on September 1 to set up a protocol and start fighting with the insurance company. I know it will take some time and effort, but we should be able to eventually get some coverage. I think by the time we get through all of this and get to approval it will be time for us to try the IVF with PGD. So I guess we've taken our first solid steps toward that goal. In the meantime we can keep ttc, and if we get and remain pg between now and then, bonus for us. If not, we have our first attempt all set up.

I'm feeling okay about all of this for the most part. I guess I was convinced that it would be easy for us to get pg again, but that doesn't seem the case unless I'm having a m/c before a pg is even detectable. I know, I'm a crazy woman for thinking this, but I just can't help it. We got pg two times in a row the first two times we tried, and now -- nothing. But I suppose that's all irrelavent. I simply want to have a healthy pg as soon as possible.

Nope

BFN. My bbt dropped for the last two days, so I wasn't expecting anything else. Sigh.

I'm obsessed with my chest

Do you know what it's like to be obsessed with your own b00bs? I'm sure many of you do out there, but let me tell you, it's ridiculous. I think about my b00bs all day. This morning my bbt dipped, so I was sad all morning. I thought my b00bs stopped hurting, so I was even more sad. I touch them every time I pee. I think about them when I'm walking. I contemplate them when I'm sitting. But right now, I can honestly say they hurt. We'll see what my temp looks like in the morning. Tomorrow is 10dpo. I will not POAS before Sunday. I won't.

Still sore

Three quick things. 1) I think my b00bs are more sore than they were last two cycles. 2) My temp went up again, so I have a triphasic cycle so far. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 3) I feel like I shouldn't get hopeful or excited or anything about all of this, but I can't help it. I do it every time with every cycle. Good thing we're going to our therapist tomorrow.

Mid 2ww

I ovulated on August 1, so if you want to count along on our 2ww, just check the date. If I feel the need, I can POAS one week from today (next Sunday). I, of course, think I'm a bit symptomatic with sore bre@sts, but I have also convinced myself that all this is meaningless and I always think I'm symptomatic so I can't put any faith in what I think I'm feeling. I think I project symptoms onto myself in hopes that this thing will work out for itself. In somewhat related news, my referral went through for the IVF place, but we still haven't managed to call to schedule T's SA or my FSH. It's really difficult to schedule these things when one is busy at work all day and when one cannot shut the door to get some privacy. But we're working on it.

The weather this weekend has been amazing! Yesterday we worked on the yard and bought a bunch of groceries. It's so nice to be outside when it is nice outside. Last night we went to E&R's house to see them and the baby. We were their first houseguests for dinner, and though we brought the majority of the food, I think it was good for them to realize it's possible to have guests over even with the baby. R is having some stress troubles with the new arrival. It's hard on him to give up his independence, I guess. E seems to be doing well. Baby S is adorable, and such a good baby too. I haven't seen him scream once, though I'm sure he does it from time to time. He's gaining weight nicely, and tracking with his eyes, and his neck muscles are strengthening nicely too. He's over a month at this point already! I only had one moment of sadness while there. We were just chatting, and we were discussing how messy things are in our houses -- E&R made a mad rush to clean of the dining room table so we had a place to eat. I mentioned how we just have a hard time keeping things neat in general, and R said, "Wait 'til you have a kid!" and it just stabbed me. I don't know why that stung so much, but I could feel it inside my chest. It managed to subside pretty quickly, but I can still remember the feeling.

Today I weeded the garden and we went to the store. I'm off to go back outside to put all the weeds into lawn bags.

I guess we all just have to keep our chins up. Good luck, folks. I'm wishing all of you the best.

Almost another 2ww

I should ovulate soon, so it's almost time for another 2ww. I don't think I could be more ambivelent. Of course, I didn't sleep well last night, though I'm unsure why. T and I went up to New Hampshire on Lake Winnipesaukee with my family this weekend. It was my Dad's birthday, and we sat by the lake on the beach, relaxed, ate dinner and relaxed some more. It was really, really nice to get away. It make T and I realize how much we need to go away for an extended period of time. We're going to go to Oregon to see his mom and go to the retirement party for someone T used to work with, which will be nice, but staying at his Mom's house isn't quite as relaxing as renting a little cottage for a week would be. But we gotta do what we gotta do. We just put a down payment on getting a new roof for the house which will fix the leak and hopefully take care of the evil squirrels, so funds are limited.

I did manage to call the IVF place to try and get our initial testing set up. I have new insurance since taking my new job and I need a new referral so that the tests can be covered. I will call the IVF place back on Wednesday if I don't hear from them, and then we will set up T's semen analysis and my FSH or whatever. I guess if I suspect I might be pregnant then we'll just have to postpone my part of the testing for a bit. But that's at least 2 weeks away, right?

I have decided that if I suspect I'm pregnant that I will pee on a stick this time. I was afraid to before, but this time I want some confirmation of my suspicions, or else something to tell me that I'm completely insane. But I'll know definitively one way or another.

Our fridge still hasn't been fixed. In 9 days from now, we are going to demand a brand new fridge immediately. Our lives feel so ridiculous sometimes.

Hump Day?

Not literally, though. ;)

Things are still crazy here on Henry Street. The fridge is still broken, but we have the backup so we're eating in. I got my hair cut today. It felt good. T is out with his co-workers seeing Superman and going out to dinner. I am home fighting with squirrels and writing this. We bought some pepper oil infused stuff that's supposed to keep the squirrels away. I threw it down the walls yesterday, and the squirrel was very unhappy. I was banging and making lots of noise to scare it away first, but it just stared at me. I found that incredibly terrifying. Then I just threw the pepper stuff right at it and it ran out. T saw him on the top of the roof itching and rubbing. Today I threw some down there and all I could here was a deep growl sort of noise when I threw it down there. I don't know what that means. We want the squirrel to leave. We're going to get a new roof on our house, and we're hoping the roofers can get rid of the squirrels. T is confident, but I feel king of skeptical about it. I truly hope it works, but I think squirrels are pesky. The cats have been useless in scaring them away. Stupid cats.

I have a conference on Thursday and Friday, so I sort of will have a little time off. I'm looking forward to it. I will probably get out early on Friday, so maybe T and I will go see a movie. Saturday morning we're leaving to go to NH to a house my brother and sister-in-law rented. It's my Dad's birthday, so we're going to go for 2 days and one night. I have to make rice krispy squares.

I didn't get home til late and didn't make dinner, so I'm waiting for T to bring me home leftovers.

Thanks to those who sent encouraging words about our battles to come. My fertile time is going to arrive again reasonably soon, so we'll see what happens this month. We still need to call the IVF place. T is taking Friday off, so maybe he'll call. He still needs a SA and I still need that day three HSG or whatever that test is. I refuse to stop ttc while all of this is happening, though. Will that affect the test if AF is actually a very early miscarriage? I'm certain that's what happened last month.

I hope everybody is doing okay. I'm not being good about keeping up with blogs lately.

Still going

Our fridge is still on the fritz, so we have been calling to get it repaired instead of calling about the insurance and IVF stuff. Happily, my brother and sister-in-law recently redid their kitchen and they had an extra fridge sitting in their yard. They have a brand new mini-van as well, so they brought it over this morning. I couple hours of cleaning later (good bye mildew) we have a working fridge in the basement!! Yay!! We bought some food and we grilled for dinner! It was the greatest. Hopefully our actual fridge will be fixed soon.

We've been feeling up and down lately. We're so busy, though, we don't really have time to be sad. I want things to slow down. I'm enjoying my new job, but I feel like I don't have time to relax. We are in need of a vacation, but it's difficult to imagine when I will be able to take one. It was a huge mistake on my part to not take a vacation before starting my new job, but I felt such pressure to start. We really need to get away. T has over 100 hours of vacation saved up. He's stressed out to the max. I'm stressed out to the max. We have to make ourselves take some time off, but I don't have any. T's going to take at least one day of this week, though. I think that's good.

I haven't talked to E since she's been home by herself. I should give her a call. I hung out with my friend S, and she's having some trouble with R. I'm kind of worried about them as a couple. I'm really wishing the best for them. It makes me sad to think that they're having trouble together.

I have to do some work. I'm giving a powerpoint presentation on Tuesday at work, and I don't have time at work to work on it, so I brought it home. Nothing like 9:00 on a Sunday to do some work. Though T is sitting in the living room doing work, so what the hell.

We really need a vacation.

The catharsis of blogging (and therapy)

So we had a hell of a therapy session this morning. I cried through 3/4 of it, I think. We were talking about IVF. We were talking about how it might be time to get the ball rolling with the IVF thing. Part of what we talked about was getting the money for IVF from my parents. It could be a gift from them. It could be a loan from them. I'm very, very, very hesitant to take the money from my parents. They have offered us the money, and they could afford to give it to us, but it doesn't feel right to me. So instead, we are going to have to get the insurance companies to pay for it. They're certainly not going to volunteer for it, as so many of you know. But we have the advantage of living in Massachusetts where fertility coverage is generous. And T and I think with a bit of work on our side, we could get the coverage. So while we keep trying, we're going to work on getting coverage.

I guess I still haven't come to terms (is that an inappropriate pun?) with IVF. I read so many of your blogs out there, and see all of you be strong and go through it. I even see you getting excited to start your injections. And then there are the truly lucky ones for whom IVF has created a viable pregnancy and a baby. It happens. But I can't seem to deal with the idea of IVF. I know I need to get over myself and make it happen. But I'm terrified of it. I have been told that I will get used to it, and that it becomes sort of like a second job. I'm not terribly scared of needles or medical procedures in general. But I just can't make IVF feel right. Regardless, I'm still willing to go through with it. I will certainly give it a try. But I can't say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited about the fight with the insurance companies. I'm not excited about the huge shipment of meds or the side effects of the medication or the egg extraction or even the implantation. I just feel like none of the embryos will make it far along enough. Or that one or two might, and it just won't work.

Maybe I'm mostly afraid of 'wasting' the money. I'm generally quite a frugal person. I research and find the best deal. Sometimes I'm willing to spend more to get a quality product. But because there is no guarantee with this IVF it doesn't sit well. $15,000 is a lot of money without a guaranteed product.

So I'm mulling all of this around in my head. I'm wondering how we're going to make all of the necessary phone calls when T has a cubicle and I share my office with another person who has recently made a completely insensitive comment about IVF right in front of me, even after I told her about our issues. She's not the smartest person in the world, though, so maybe she didn't put two and two together. That wouldn't surprise me. I don't know how we're going to get this all done, but I guess we're going to have to.

The wait is over

AF has arrived and I'm no longer obsessing about my bbt. It dropped this morning to below my cover line, and I knew my wait was over. In my estimation I'm 2 days late. I didn't confirm a pg, so I don't know if this counts as a m/c. I'm not sure it matters, except for trying to get insurance coverage. I'm pretty disappointed, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I found out through E that our friend A who had been having trouble is at 10 weeks now. I hope things continue to go well for her, but I can't say I'm not jealous.

So I'm kind of just sad now.

Still waiting

Still no signs of AF yet, but my bbt dipped slightly again. So it's been steadily down for the last three days. I realize this most likely means things will be over soon. I didn't POAS because I wasn't sure what point there would be in it. I still feel like I have some pg signs. I figured if I POAS I'd probably get a BFP only to bleed in a few days, so I'm still sitting here in limbo, waiting. I figured if AF doesn't show up I can always POAS tomorrow.

I'm really anal about my temperatures, and this morning I took a bbt when I first woke up (really early -- about 5:20) and it was low. I peed (but not on a stick) and then went back to sleep. I slept for about an hour and a half and decided to take my temp again (told ya I'm anal) and it was high. I know this isn't an accurate bbt, but it leaves me wondering a little.

I should probably POAS and just get this all over with, but I really think I'm just going to start AF really soon and we'll just have to try again this month.

This is so agonizing, and after seeing E&R's baby yesterday and about to be on our way to see the high school man's 2 children, I'm feeling a bit down. So much for a relaxing weekend.

We have to go out to eat again because our fridge still doesn't work. And with eating out so much, T & I have gained at least 5 lbs each.

Haven't POAS yet

No AF as of yet, and I still have sore b**bs and I can feel some weird stuff in the uterus, but my bbt has dropped the last two days. It hasn't droped a ton like last month, but I'm kind of skeptical. We'll see what happens tomorrow. If it drops more, I'm considering this month a lost cause. If it goes up, I'm going to POAS. I am so ambivalent about this process. If I get a BFP, I don't really know what that means. Should I stop taking my bbt? I obsess about every little dip. But I will obsess about every twinge, every bit of soreness and any other possible sign there is. I wish there were a way to sort of ignore all of this, but there isn't. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

And of course this is a weekend full of kids. We haven't seen E&R&babyS since the hospital, so we're going to drop by for a visit. Then a friend (ex-boyfriend, actually) from high school is in town and T & I are going to go see him, his wife and his two kids. I think he has daughters. One's maybe 3ish and one is just 1, I think. So no getting away from the idea of kids this weekend.

We saw R&J, good friends of T last night. I wasn't drinking, and J asked why. I explained, and talked about T's bt. It's funny how much easier that has become over time. I can talk about it in a mostly matter of fact way. I can list my miscarriages and the percentages without even coming close to shedding a tear. Yes, as I chart my bbt every morning, my heart rises and sinks with every .1 degree increase or decrease. This is a difficult thing.

If it's not one thing, it's another

Our fridge died. It's less than a year old, and let me tell you I am pissed! The food is just starting to go bad. I took the 'valuable' food and put in some ice in a cooler, and now all our refrigerated food is in a cooler on the kitchen floor. We woke up yesterday morning and there was an error on the display. We called the customer service number, and they referred us to repair people in RI. We told them it was too far away, but they insisted. I called RI and they said they won't come up to our part of MA. So I had to call customer service again and get a new repair service. Luckily this fridge is still on warranty. Someone's coming on Wednesdsay to fix it. In the meantime, we may go buy a mini-fridge and keep it in the garage. We had talked about doing that anyway. Actually, we were more interested in getting a chest freezer, but necessity dictates. Whatever. I'm angry about it.

T has to work today, so I'm at home alone. I had such plans to do all sorts of housework, but now I'm obsessing about the fridge and getting a lot less done than I had anticipated. After I blog this out of my system, though, I'm going to get started.

Things are going okay. I'm doing okay. The visit to the hospital went pretty well. I get a little sad now and again. Trying to talk to E is difficult, though, since a billion people are calling her and she's busy with the baby. The baby is S, but a different S than I had originally thought. It's a nice name. He now has a name, and it suits him. I gave the presents. I held him. He was so little. Now that the baby is here I feel a little like I'm losing my friends, but I'm going to work like hell to make sure that doesn't happen.

Meanwhile, I'm almost done with week 1 of my 2ww. My boobs are a little sore which is potentially a positive sign. But I've been having morning insomnia lately, so my bbts aren't that high. I mean, they're not so low it's worrysome, but it's not exactly steadily climbing the way it had during my previous BFPs. But, in reality they're really not different than any cycle at this point. 6 dpo, the bbts all look the same, generally. So I'm just still waiting. Sometimes I feel excited or hopeful, but I'm trying to keep myself in check. I just don't want to moon over a BFP. I want to remain indifferent. It's just very difficult. I feel like a BFP is basically meaningless, but there's always that, "You never know," aspect to the whole thing. It's frustrating. And sad.

So, I think I'm going to cook some eggs since I'm hungry and they didn't fit into the cooler. They'll go bad if they don't get eaten, so I might as well use some of them up. I was going to put some cheese in them, but I don't think I'm going to dig in the cooler for it. Plain eggs for me. Maybe I'll fry them or something.

The baby is here

We got a call at 8:45 yesterday morning and the baby has arrived. He's a boy. He doesn't have a name yet. T and I are going to go to the hospital later this morning and see E & R and their new arrival. I'm feeling mostly okay about all of this, though it is terribly surreal. I mean, I just can't believe that they're parents and they have a kid now. They're the first people in my close group of friends to have a baby, and I have to admit that it is freaking me out just a little. T is a bit more saddened than me about the whole thing, I think. But we'll go to the hospital and visit, and then we'll go to the fireworks by ourselves.

E's labor was quick and easy, as far as labor goes. She had no pain meds and things went quite smoothly. She woke up in the middle of the night and her water broke, and by the time she got to the hospital she was 4 1/2 cm dilated. The baby was born at about 7:45, He was a week 'early' but he weighed almost 8 lbs and was 20+ inches, so he's a big boy.

That's the big news for this holiday weekend. I hope we see some good fireworks.

Long weekend

Yesterday we bought food because we hadn't gone food shopping in two weeks. T has a membership to C*stco, so we buy stuff there all the time. T is obsessed with having 12 weeks of food in the house in case of a bird flu epidemic. It's making me slightly crazy. We bought 8 cans of baked beans yesterday. We were going to have a can with the hotdogs we grilled for dinner last night (yum!) but we forgot. We have to put up more shelves in the basement to fit all the food T insists in keeping in the house.

I don't have to work until Monday. I'm very excited about this fact, but it seems that the weekend is going by quite quickly. We bought me some new clothes for my new job. I think T is the only person who I can go clothes shopping with because he has a pretty good eye and he doesn't make me linger in the store when I'm ready to leave. I really don't like clothes shopping. Except shoes. I love shoe shopping.

We have tentative plans to see fireworks in a nearby town (not the huge Boston celebration which is overly crowded) with E & R. We're going to a place near to where E is giving birth in case the fireworks induce labor. She told me that she's having contractions a lot -- like every 4 to 6 minutes, but that they're not strong, and she wasn't really dilated at her last Doctor appointment. She has another one Monday, and the fireworks are Tuesday, so we'll know more then. I'm a little impressed that she's going out so much despite her readiness. I'm assuming theyll bring a chair for her to sit in because there's no way she's sitting on the ground. I've stiched in my personal labels on the sweater and the blanket I made for the baby and they're all wrapped up and ready to be given. I'm still not feeling sad, and I'm even feeling a little excited. But I'm also feeling a little jealous. And that makes me a little sad. But in general T & I are doing okay, I think.

I should have ovulated by today, but my bbt isn't as high as I would like it to be. So I'm not sure what's going on. I've usually had 3+ fertile days, but it seems like my fertile time was 4+
days this cycle. I hope we had good timing this month. I suppose I'm into another 2ww starting now.

T and I are ready for coffee and breakfast.

Not much new

I'm not blogging as much because not much is new and I've been so busy. My new job is definitely keeping me on my toes, and I'm still going one night a week to my old job on top of it. It seems like lately we've been busy after work almost every day. Tonight's the first night where we've mellowed out with not much to do. Actually, last night wasn't busy either, but I've entered my fertile time and we had other stuff to do. Mr. T is reading over my shoulder and wants me to mention the lovely chicken that we grilled last night. I used a dry rub with seasonings from our favorite place Penzey's. It was Northwoods Seasoning with extra garlic powder and chipotle chili. Super good. And I grilled it just perfectly, so the chicken was yummy and juicy. I steamed some kale as well, and put some olive oil and garlic on that. Mr. T (who despises this moniker) even ate the kale. Tonight we had chard with butter and garlic. He thought it tasted like dirt. I prefer kale myself, but the chard was pretty good too. The tofu I made sucked, in my opinion. I made a jerk barbecue sauce. T didn't think it was so bad, but I kind of disliked it. The last time we used the jerk seasoning it came out crappy too. I need some help with the jerk seasoning.

Anyway, I don't have to work Monday, so I get a nice, long weekend. I'm looking forward to it. We're back in regular ttc mode, and we're starting to take bets on when E has her baby. T thinks it will be sooner, and I think it will be on her due date or later. Who knows.

I'm pretty grumpy, but I'm not sure why. I have an 8 am meeting tomorrow, and I have to get up stupidly early. But at least I'm keeping myself busy. It's definitely helping me not be sad. Things are moving forward. Plants are growing. I can't believe it's almost July.

Trying to calm down

As I said, things have been non-stop lately. Friday night while Mr. T was away, my friends S&R came over and we grilled dinner. It was nice to have them in the kitchen watching the baseball game and just generally being informal.

Mr. T made it safely to and back from SF, CA in less than 48 hours. It was hellish for him. I picked him up at the airport at 10 am, he came back and napped for two hours and we went of to my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. He was so tired that he was making up songs in the car. It was fun. There was a cookout and we had clams and lobster and clam chowder. Yum! I played croquet with my neices and nephew and frisbee with just my nephew. There were tons of kids there, but I managed to not feel that bad. There was one 17-month-old who was just so cute, and even Mr. T was able to smile at his bouncy cuteness. Neither of us felt too bad, which was great. There was only one awkward moment when a friend of my brother (the mother of the 17-month-old) who had borrowed my neice's crib offered to give it to us. I tried to blow off the question, but it came up again. I just nodded briefly and moved on. It didn't come up again, and I still managed to not get sad, so I'm pleased.

After Mr. T slept 12 hours and I slept 10, we had brunch with E&R. She has only about 2 weeks to go. She's looking really huge. She's a very skinny woman, and I thought I could even see it in her face. Her ankles and feet are swelling, and it's been really humid which probably makes it even worse. But I didn't feel sad seeing her today, either. And even thinking about the baby isn't bumming me out much right now. That's a good thing. I'm not sure what's different right now, but I shouldn't question it. I finished the little sweater I knitted for the baby. I have to sew my personal tag in there so it will be ready. I have a sweater and a blanket with a matching hat for the baby. All made by me! I'm feeling good that I'm feeling okay these days.

Tomorrow we are meeting with our therapist again. Mr. T went by himself last week. He told me he talked about some heavy family stuff, some of which I know about and some of which I don't. I would have liked to have been there for him, but my weird-ass job got in the way. I let my boss know I was going to be a little late on Mondays, and that I would arrive around 9:30 or so. She wanted to know how I would make up the time. I'm a salaried worker, and I came to about 5 hours of meetings that I was not compensated for before I even started. I felt totally nickled and dimed by that. It's that kind of stuff that scares me about the micro-managing thing. But so much shit is going to go down in the next week that I'm just going to have to hold off talking about it until later. I hope I didn't make the wrong decision.

My garden is looking lovely these days. I have four clematis blossoms, my yarrow is blooming and my morning glories are climbing the trellis. And the strawberries are going bonkers. I finally have some old pictures of my potted stuff that I'll post.



This is the yarrow. It's now about a foot taller and has tiny purplish flowers with white centers.



Here is the strawberry. It's at least double the size now.



These are my morning glories when they just sprouted. As I said, they're really going and are almost halfway up the trellis now.




These are my spices, which don't look like this anymore, either. The cilantro on the left is now coriander with white blossoms. It's so huge that it's falling over. The basil there is sad from all of the rain. It's come back, and I bought another plant so that it makes up for the stuff that died in the rain. In the front is the Greek oregano, which is growing up big as well. We put some oregano and basil on the pizza Mr. T and I made for dinner tonight.

That's it for now. I hope you had a nice weekend.

La Vida Loca

For some reason, I'm starting to get paranoid about this blog being discovered. I want to talk about work stuff, but I don't want people at work finding this. I'm going to start calling my beloved husband Mr. T. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about previous posts yet.

Things have been so crazy around here. Mr. T is crazy busy at work, and he's en route to San Francisco for a 48 hour stay. That's a lot of flying in a short period of time. So I'm by myself for a couple of nights. Luckily I have plans tomorrow night with S. We always have fun on our girls' night out.

My new job is crazy. I think it will turn out to be good in the end, but right now things are simply insane. One person is going to be sacked. I'm not sure how another is going to react to that firing. The way things are organized for half of the data we collect is completely insane, and has never been revamped. I can't even begin to explain how convoluted it is. It can be fixed, but there is data that hasn't been entered and the only way to get it entered is the convoluted way. And my new boss is scaring me because she's acting micro-manage-y. That is one thing that I absolutely cannot deal with. I cannot be micro-managed. I will quit if I am. But I feel like I can't talk to her about it until a bunch of this crazy stuff is over. Plus, I'm still working part time at my old job. Oh, and we went to the Red Sox game on Monday. My first day at my new job.

Oh, and I still don't have a computer at my new job. I've been schlepping my laptop to work on the subway. Not tomorrow, though. I'll use my officemate's. She doesn't work on Fridays.

Needless to say, I haven't had time to blog, be sad, be happy, be angry, be anything. I'm simply exhausted. I hope everything is okay with you folks out there. I haven't had time to check on anybody, either.

Maybe next week will be better. Happy thoughts to you all!

Father's Day

I'm officially not pregnant. AF started this morning. At this point it's a good thing because I drank myself silly last night. I have discovered a wonderful recipe for an alcoholic raspberry lime rickey, and it's delicious. Had a tall one of them and a whole lot more. Mr. T's friend S, her husband G, and their roommate, C (who works for Mr. T) had a party. It was fun. We stayed out late and drank and talked and laughed and smiled. I enjoyed myself.

Why is it that S&G have a roommate, you ask? Well, the answer is twofold. One is practical. It's cheaper and they travel a lot so it's nice to have someone who can take care of the house when they're gone. C also has a girlfriend so he's often at her house. Now for the interesting reason.

S&G had a floor to themselves for really cheap in a great location in Cambridge. C moved in from out of town and took an extra room on a different floor. Then the landlord started hanging around. He was using C's soap (from the soap dish), and C asked him nicely if he wouldn't do that, and offered a fresh bar of soap to the landlord. Landlord freaked out an told him that he was going to have to move. That blew over, but landlord's behavior got worse. He started letting himself into locked rooms. He was walking around naked. He was snorting flour (as if it were c*caine) off the counters. He propositioned the married, pregnant downstairs neighbor. He stole the downstairs neighbor's dog. He left an envelope with S's name on it on the stairs. In it was 15 cents, a picture of an astronaut and a stamp. It was time to leave, but they were afraid to give any sort of notice due to the bizarre behaviors. (Apparently landlord went off his meds.)

So, G had to go to Europe for work for about a month. He couldn't help with any of this. S&C went looking and found a very nice apartment and rented it, but it wouldn't be available for another week. It was decided they could store most of their stuff in our garage. They got all of their friends together. They packed up in the middle of the night, and together we moved all of their stuff into our garage. It took just under 2 hours. They stayed with friends for a bit, and then they moved into the new apartment.

Last night was their housewarming party. Yay new house!

Today we're going to my parents' house for Father's Day. My brothers are going to play golf. It's 90 and humid here in the metro-Boston area. Ugh.

I'm off to sew the zipper into the sweater I made for E&R's baby. I tried sewing it in before, but the zipper I bought was too small, so I had to go back to the fabric store and get a new one. This one better work.

Feeling sad

Today is a day of change. Though I know I am doing the right thing by leaving this job, I am feeling sad. Sad because here on my last day I will sit in my office with no windows by myself, like I do every day. Now, I shouldn't be sad because in my new job I share my office with someone and there are two HUGE windows. But I also realize that even though I am earmarked for a supervisory position in my new job, when I begin my job I am taking a position that is exactly the same as the 22-year-old who graduated college in May. I have a Master's degree and 10 years of working experience, and we have the same job. I'm sure I make more money than she does, but that's not the point. I find that frustrating. I hope in 6 months that I'm not in the same place. And the woman who is my boss, who started off so soft-spoken and kind, is scaring me a little with her expectations. We have a work reading group where we have to do presentations from chapters in a clinical book, she wants us to take classes in clinical research, and there is pressure to be in at 7:30 in the morning for meetings and whatnot. That last one is the one that pisses me off the most. I can handle learning about the doctor's specialty, and I just finished my biostats class so perhaps I am exempt from having to take a class. I'm just not sure why I have to suffer because she chooses to live in the lame suburbs.

I'm also sad because my temp was down again today. I told myself that I didn't want to be pg this month with the new job and all, but I realize that I was fooling myself. I want nothing more than to have a baby on the way. This also means that I will not be pg when E has her baby. When E gives birth, I will most likely be in the midst of the next 2ww. Plus it is father's day on Sunday and we will be getting together with my family, and no doubt Mr. T will be sad. I am sad when Mr. T is sad.

Tonight Mr. T and I are going out to celebrate my last day at work. It's my choice. I'm thinking I want fried clams, but I could rethink my choice and get steamers instead.

Less optimistic

My bbt plummeted this morning. I'm no longer feeling confident about this cycle. We shall see what happens tomorrow.

10dpo

I have a headache. Again. I'm also exhausted. Again. Last night I went to bed around ten before ten. The Sox went into extra innings (and lost spectacularly, apparently) and Mr. T stayed up to watch the end. He came to bed around midnight, which of course woke me up. I then couldn't fall back asleep. We started talking a little. He drifted off, but I was tossing and turning. Somehow this turned into a huge fight, at least for us. I was having trouble sleeping because I couldn't stop myself from worrying, mostly about work. He said, "Just stop!" I determined that this was not particularly helpful, and it escalated from there. He fell asleep, but I went and watched HGTV for an hour or so. I went to sleep pretty angry, which I heard is not a good thing to do. It's probably true because I woke up angry. We talked a bit about it in the morning, and Mr. T said he realized he wasn't being particularly helpful, but when he wakes up from just starting to fall asleep he gets incredibly cranky. I have seen that before, but it didn't turn into the monstrosity that came up last night. I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm not sure we got to that point, but things are more back to normal now. Also, my being most likely particularly hormonal isn't helping the situation either.

This has led me to worry more about the new job. At my current job, I'm totally left alone all the time. I usually like this. I like to be given a few tasks, and then to be left on my own to complete them, with a person around to answer reference questions if need be. I explained this in my interview. Right now I feel like I'm a student being told exactly what to do, and I don't even start working until Monday. Part of this is hormones and part of it is just culture shock, I'm sure. But I hope it calms down soon. I didn't expect to be reacting this way so quickly with my new job. I knew it was going to be a change, but I guess I'm simply starting to see people's true colors. Mr. T is trying to convince me that it will settle down and promises that I didn't make the wrong decision, but it's difficult for me to completely believe this right now. I'm also thinking that I should have taken a week off in between jobs, but I felt strong pressure to start soon.

Sometimes I worry that I always make the toughest choices for myself. But I had strong support all around for this new job. The old one wasn't working anymore, and I needed something new. This is all probably new job jitters, and things will smooth out soon enough.

Tired and hungry

I think I might be pg. I know I said I thought the timing wasn't right, but I think I was wrong. My bbts are up, I had an implantation dip, my boobs are sore, and I'm more hungry and tired than usual. I feel horrible writing 'infertility' in the subtitle of my blog because clearly, we aren't 'infertile'. It's just that every time we get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will miscarry (or have a baby that will be severely ill or die within a few days of being born). There exists the possibility that we will have a healthy baby. There is also a chance that our healthy baby will have to go through this exact same tormenting process when he or she tries to have a baby. But, in light of recent events, infertility isn't the right word. Does anybody have a better word for me?

I will POAS this coming weekend. I feel like I should feel lucky that I so easily get pregnant and that we might be having a baby, but I am feeling quite ambivalent. I can't get attached to this pregnancy until I know it's a healthy one, and I won't know that until they can do a CVS which is around 11 weeks. So we'll see how long this lasts. I know I don't know 'officially' that I'm pg yet, but I just know that I am right now, and even if AF comes at the regular time, I know from my body signs that there was fertilization this cycle.

So I had another meeting at my new job today. It was intense. My new boss wanted to have a weekly meeting at 7:30 am. There is a monthly 7:30 meeting that I agreed to right off the bat, but I just can't do that on a weekly basis. I rely on Mr. T for a ride to the subway in the morning, and I just think it's asking a lot to expect me to leave my house before 7. In addition to that, I got some homework. I have to read a clinical book and create a powerpoint presentation about one of the chapters. At least that stuff doesn't start until after I actually start. As perhaps you can tell, I was feeling a little bit scared about the new job today. I already have three additional work assignments in addition to the powerpoint presentation, and I haven't even had my first day yet! But at least I won't be bored, and my new officemate seems really nice. Can't go back now! Full speed ahead!

Who am I?

I found these silly surveys online and decided to take a few to see how they came out. The ones I felt were inaccurate or too stupid I didn't put up, but here are a few I thought were okay.

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

You Are 44% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind. You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are an Excellent Cook

You're a top cook, but you weren't born that way. It's taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It's likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire...

Are You A Good Cook?

You Are 52% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

Your Brain is 47% Female, 53% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating. You don't give up. You're committed and brave. Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle. Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog. You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods. You also value honesty and fairness a great deal. You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding. You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Rain, Rain, go away!

It is rainy and cold again here in the delightful northeast. I slept extra late because it was so dark. I had a weird dream that I got a huge Spiderman tatoo on my shoulder and upper arm, and I really hated it. When I wore short sleeves, Spidey was still visible and I was so pissed at myself for getting that tatoo. Then I had another dream later that night where I told my dad that I dreamed I had a spiderman tatoo, and how I was pissed because it was still visible in short sleeves. How very meta.

T and I are off to go have breakfast out (his favorite thing to do) and then do errands. We're going to look at ranges since when we went last weekend the store had already closed. We have run out of cream for coffee, which is why we're so motivated to go out. I have actually weaned myself off of the coffee since we're ttc again, but he is still very addicted. We just love coffee. We're coffee snobs, actually. We have our coffee shipped to us from Portland, OR. I know, it's totally insane. We bulk order it and keep it in the freezer.

We will also go food shopping, and possible look for some clothes for me, but I'm not sure I'm in the mood. We decided to not shower, and I am trying to calk the tub/shower in our bathroom because it's not sealed very well. This is my third attempt. So I may feel too dirty to try on new clothes. We really need to redo the bathroom, but since we need a new roof and we need to paint the outside of the house, I really don't see it happening any time soon.

I'm feeling paranoid about the pg thing now, too. I'm so obsessive, it even bothers me. I do bbts, and the way the pattern is going, I think I could be pg. And I keep thinking that my boobs hurt. But it also could just totally be in my head. I want to be pregnant (read: stay pregnant) so badly, but part of me wants one more month because of the job switch thingy. But then I think, if I am lucky enough to get a healthy pregnancy, then all of that worry and stuff will quickly melt away. That is the thing that I want the most, so I should simply ignore that other stuff and just do what I need to do. As T always tells me, it will all work out in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a worrier! I guess it's a good thing we have an appointment to see a therapist on Tuesday.