Henry Street

We pulled it off

2012-01-09T21:04:00.002-05:00

Before the end of 2011 we sent in the first part of our paperwork to the adoption agency. They cashed the check, so I know they received it. We are slowly headed toward our wait for kid #2. We still have a bunch to do, including our photo book, but I feel like the first step has been taken.

Labels

2011-10-06T13:43:00.002-05:00

When I die, am I going to be labeled H's adoptive mother and CC his mother? I don't begrudge her that title. She is truly his mother and gave him life. I would never recognize her as anything else.

But I'm his mother too.

(It was this article that made me write this.)

Paperwork

2011-10-05T10:16:00.002-05:00

H slept over my parents' house so I could try to get some paperwork done for baby #2. This paperwork is so awful. It makes me want to cry. I hate doing it SO MUCH. I'd rather go to the dentist, and if you knew me, you'd know that means something. I cannot stand the dentist.

I'm sitting here trying to complete this crap and not cry. I just cannot stand all this intrusiveness. We are not that organized and getting all this information is really difficult. I just hate it. I HATE IT. I hate doing this. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

But every night I feel guilty that it's not complete. I need to complete it. I will feel so good when it's done.

It's just so very difficult. So difficult. I hate it.

Most days

2011-09-20T13:15:00.002-05:00

Most days I love being a stay at home mom. Most days I feel remiss for not having completed the paperwork for another adoption. Most days I feel tired, but know what I don't do today will not hurt anyone and can be done tomorrow. Most days I can find a little patience. Most days I feel okay.

Today is not one of those days.

I must be nuts to think I can take care of another baby too. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Also, I want to kill my cat. Seriously. I think I'm capable of breaking his neck. He howls like a banshee CONSTANTLY. I cannot get a moment of quiet. Henry has a cold and has already woken up from his nap once. I got him to go back to sleep, but the f*c&ing cat keeps howling and won't shut up. I need to do some cleaning but all I can do is try to get the animals to leave me alone. They both whine and make noise and follow me around. I want them to LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me do something while Henry is asleep.

Also, I cannot believe that 3 might be more of a challenge than 2. I am losing patience.

This has not been a good week. I hope next week is better.

Not much to say

2011-09-16T12:59:00.003-05:00

Still haven't done the paperwork and I'm feeling guilty about it every day. We really, really need to do it. I feel I am doing a disservice to myself by not completing it. I need to light a fire under my a$$ really, really quickly. Sigh.

On the evil FB, I'm part of an Adoptive Families (a great magazine) group, and the people on that group talk about God so very much.

I just want to announce that personally, I feel that God had absolutely nothing to do with my son's adoption. When you talk about adoption and God together, I no longer want to talk with you about adoption.

You may have whatever your beliefs happen to be, but leave me and my family out of it.

Thanks.

Heard from them

2011-07-12T13:12:00.003-05:00

I heard from CC and O. I don't feel like I can go into details here, but they are still interested in the sibling thing, they just can't do it right now. They will probably approach the idea again in November or so, though possibly before. But it's not 100% out the window. Not sure where that leaves our paperwork. I still should just get it done.

Feeling a little weird about other parent friends recently. I'm finding it semi-easy to get along with people and have our kids play, but pretty difficult to be really close with anybody and to be on the same page about most things with other people. It's difficult to explain without going into specifics, but I'm not good at being lonely. Today I'm feeling a bit lonely. Today it's mostly because I'm a planner and I'm finding that people, or at least parents with young children, are often not very good at planning. I find this frustrating.

Anyway, things in general are pretty good. It's hot and that wipes me out. I'm not good at keeping up with my chores when it's this hot out.

Here's Henry and his grandad on a recent sleepover there. He really, really loves my dad. It's so cute.

I feel like I should post

2011-06-30T20:07:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about my abandoned blog lately. I don't feel like blogging anymore, obviously. I am busy parenting and I'm not sure I have any useful insights about adoptive parenting or parenting in general or whatever.

We never heard from CC and O. about the potential next baby. I will call them within the next month or two, but I no longer think this will happen. It bums me out a little, but it's fine. Regardless, we need to complete our paperwork for kid #2. Doing so while parenting is proving more challenging than anticipated. It's also bringing back some emotions I thought I was rid of. I'm angry that I have to do all this paperwork. I'm annoyed that I need to have a notary to have a kid. I'm frustrated by the financial aspect of this all.

I need to put aside some time to fill out the paperwork, but I'm just having a difficult time. I need a kickstart.

On the positive side, I have the absolutely best almost 2 year old ever in the whole wide world. Really, that's objectively true. His grandmothers agree with me, so it must be.

Five years

2011-04-19T12:13:00.003-05:00

Lavender Luz reminded me that it is my blogoversary. It's been 5 years since T was diagnosed with a balanced translocation and since my first miscarriage. I cannot believe that much time has passed. It truly boggles my mind.

My family did not end up where I expected it to at the beginning of this journey. These days I sometimes wonder if I could go back and not endure infertility and wonder if I would. I have always said that I wish I didn't go through all of our trials and tribulations, but I honestly believe all of our trouble has made me a different kind of parent than I would have been had my family come easily to me. I wouldn't be completely different, but I don't think I would be able to as easily take a step back during the tedium, minutia and frustrating moments of parenting and realize how lucky I am.

So, here's to appreciating the wonder of children. They're exhausting but so very worth it.

Lucky

2011-03-22T11:41:00.003-05:00

A woman who is 7 months pregnant told me today that I was "lucky" to not be able to be pregnant and give birth. Happily, at this point I mostly just get annoyed at comments like that. I simply told her that being an adoptive parent has its own distinct difficulties.

But I'm still thinking about it and am still annoyed. People have no idea.

That being said, I am lucky. But not for the reasons she thinks I am.

Not a blogger anymore

2011-03-17T11:42:00.006-05:00

I'm not sure why I'm not into blogging anymore. I just rarely feel like blogging my emotions and happenings. Occasionally I need to get something out I suppose, but in general it's been feeling like a nuisance lately.

We went to FL to visit my parents. Henry had a lovely time and it was nice and relaxing. We did go to see CC and O. We had agreed (I thought) to meet at around 1pm. I called at 2 an they said they were an hour (!) away, so we had to entertain a busy toddler in the middle of nowhere for 2 hours while we waited for them. We were quite annoyed at how long we had to wait for them, but once they arrived, it all went well. They were happy to see Henry. Henry and O. got along quite well. CC was a little more distant. We got some pictures and they each held him. I was glad that we were able to get together and see each other.

We did discuss the possibility of a sibling while we were with them. They are still interested in doing it, but they want to do it sooner rather than later. Our agency found a social worker and I have spoken to her twice and sent her phone number for CC and O. to contact her and set up a time to talk. I don't know if the talk will really happen, but I will call CC and O. next week to follow up about it. I have a feeling that this might actually happen. I still feel a little tentative about it sometimes, but I still can't think of a reason to not do it. It's still really freaky, though.

Would this child's birth story be too weird?

Me and my H man.

Now that the weather has changed, things with Bdog are much better. The rescue did eventually call, but I told them we decided to keep him. She pushed a little for me to return him, but in the end he's still here. He seems to be doing well.

Bdog

2011-02-14T13:19:00.003-05:00

So the rescue totally hasn't gotten back to me and Bdog has been being really good. Even though he drives me crazy sometimes, at this point I am preparing to keep him here.

Today Henry was right next to Bdog as Bdog was eating (H finds the fact that Bdog eats VERY interesting) and Bdog didn't care or even bat an eye.

I had a playgroup this morning with H, an 18 month old, a 3.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. Bdog was excellent.

I think for now I'm going to bring in a trainer to see if we can get a way to teach Bdog to be able to be in a room by himself when there are people home. If I can remove him when he bugs me too much and he'll behave, then I think I can cope.

And I think he can cope, too.

I hope keeping Bdog around isn't a mistake, but I feel like the lack of response from the rescue is a sign that I was having a bad week and most of this was insane cabin fever.

------------------------------

Nothing is happening on the CC and O. front. I haven't heard from the adoption agency yet for info about counseling. I guess I'm going to have to call again soon.

-------------------------------

Today Henry is 18 months old. Happy half birthday, beautiful boy!

My brain won't stop

2011-02-09T13:55:00.008-05:00

So I've spoken with a few people about my ethical dilemma and I think I'm comfortable enough with it to talk about it here. I've done a small amount of footwork and we're exploring the idea to see whether it can be done in an ethical and healthy way. I don't know if it will happen or not, but we're thinking about whether we might be able to make it work.

I emailed CC and O. as I usually do, quarterly. I like to keep them up to date about what happen's in Henry's life. I sent pictures and I mentioned that we were starting the paperwork to get Henry a sibling. I did this because when we adopted Henry, both CC and O. wanted to make sure that Henry would NOT be an only child. This was very important to both of them.

You're probably suspecting where this is going, but just hold on.

O. called us with some excitement in his voice. He asked if we had a match with any expectant parents or something like that. I said no, we're just doing the preliminary paperwork like the fingerprints and CORI checks and stuff like that. (His response was, "You have to do that AGAIN?!?" Glad it's not just me. Anyway.)

I know what you're thinking. Wait for it.

So then he said something like, "We think it would be great if Henry could grow up with a full, biological sibling. We really love you guys and were thinking, what if CC and I have a baby for you?"

I was stunned. (To say the least.)

I didn't know what to say. I must have been muttering because then he said, "Did I just blow your mind?" Yes. Yes he did.

I did muster up enough cognition to say something like, "I have to talk to the adoption agency to see if something like that is even possible," because the ethics of it was already springing to mind. I wanted an 'out' that wasn't me saying that I didn't think it was ethical. I also told him on some level that's every adoptive parents' dream.

So, I've been thinking about it. I spoke to the adoption agency and my therapist. Nobody has ever heard of birth parents TRYING to get pregnant in order to place with their bio sibling. Yes, birth parents have found themselves expecting again and wanting to place with the same family, but CC is not yet pregnant.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be okay. I mean, it's sort of a type of surrogacy. CC and O. could still choose to parent after giving birth, if that's what they decide to do. I truly believe they are not wanting to do this for the money and authentically and genuinely want Henry to grow up with a fully biological sibling.

Now, I haven't spoken to CC about this. I'm not sure how she's feeling. I know that they have discussed it, but I don't know her thoughts without O. around. O. doesn't get pregnant so it's 'easier' for him to say he wants to do this.

So, both the adoption agency and my therapist recommended counseling for them before we discuss this further. I called CC and O. and O. thought it was a really good idea. We have CC's health to think about, plus all the other issues. I reassured him that we would never ASK them to do this, and if they really think about it and decide it is a bad idea for whatever reason that is OK and they will always be Henry's first parents and we love them no matter what. He seemed to appreciate that.

So we're figuring out how to find someone for them to talk to about his, hopefully both together and separately.

So, yeah. Along with my Bdog issues, this is going on.

I am so very tired and looking forward to my vacation in FL. Needless to say I haven't told my parents about this. I just need to know if Bdog will be here while we're gone and I need to hire a dog sitter or not. I really wish the rescue would just tell me. I'm fine with him staying with us for another month or two. I just need to know.

*sigh*

(Did I just blow your mind or what?)

I want somebody to tell me what to do

2011-02-04T10:01:00.002-05:00

I keep feeling like I'm making a terrible mistake. I feel like B is getting better with time, and aside from the back stairs issue (which will never be resolved unless we redo the back stairs) that I could be making a bigger deal of this than it really is.

B is getting used to not having two walks every day. And when all this snow melts, I'll be able to take him out in the afternoon more often. And the back yard will have more room for him to run around.

He's still not used to having other people in the house, and he doesn't know how to remove himself from the chaos. I am still not sure how I will manage keeping H away from him when there's a newborn that needs attention. I do fear disaster and that is the main reason I'm planning on him living elsewhere. I think Bdog would do better in a house without small children.

But maybe I should make this work.

My fear is that I will try and fail and we'll have to rehome him later, which will be much, much worse for Bdog.

I'm trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is in Bdog's best interest, but all I feel is selfish.

I want somebody else to tell me what I should do.

Sad

2011-02-03T19:50:00.002-05:00

I feel like Bdog is an innocent victim of my poor decision making.

I talked to the rescue. They're making inquiries about what we can do with him.

I feel both lost and a sense of relief. But mostly, I'm sad.

Dog decisions

2011-01-28T12:37:00.004-05:00

The rescue hasn't called me back as of yet.

Bdog just made it up the back stairs.

I feel stuck. On one hand I want to send Bdog back to the rescue to find another home while he's still young and pretty rescue-able. I love him and I want the best for him. I fear that once we have a second child I will absolutely not be able to handle him and that if I wait another year or two before sending him back, things will be worse for him. I fear that as H gets more and more active, the dog will have less and less tolerance for him. Bdog has growled at both H and a 3-year-old visitor at our home.

On the other hand, I want to push through this. When the snow melts, things won't be as bad. I'll be able to walk with a stroller again and being outside with Bdog and H will be much more pleasant.

I don't want to be one of those people who takes a dog into her home and then gives it back. I've always felt those people are irresponsible and I consider myself very responsible. I made a commitment and I need to see it through. I should enlist a behaviorist and possibly put Bdog on some medication to make him less anxious.

But honestly, I don't want to put that much work into a dog. It's difficult enough for us to have a child. Why should having a dog be this difficult? I just feel like I want to be free.

I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Dog

2011-01-27T16:52:00.001-05:00

The dog now outright refuses to come up the back stairs. I just left a message at the rescue to see what bringing him back would entail. I can't handle having a dog anymore.

Ethics

2011-01-25T13:15:00.002-05:00

I have an ethical question that I'm even too afraid to ask here. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist next week to discuss it. I'm feeling confused. I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone but T and my therapist. I don't even want to talk to my mom about it.

What do you do when you're in a situation like that? Is there anything that feels so secret to you that you're afraid to even talk about it anywhere?

How can that not eat you up? I'm a talker by nature.

In other news, we're going to FL the first week in March. We're going to be able to visit with CC and O., most likely. I'm a little nervous but mostly excited about that.

Also, we've had enough snow here, thanks. I'm ready for spring.

Application

2010-12-27T21:48:00.002-05:00

I've been putting off filling out our adoption application. I wanted it in by 1/1, but who knows if that will actually happen. I finally filled out a few forms tonight.

I forgot what a huge pain in the ass this is.

*sigh*

No wonder I've been putting it off. I have to force myself to do it. It's just so challenging. It's hard to fill out paperwork now for something I don't expect to come to fruition for two more years.

But I have to make myself do it.

Bleargh.

Better

2010-12-17T10:53:00.003-05:00

Bdog came up the stairs. H is at my parents and I have a full day off. I'm feeling a bit better today.

I still worry about keeping Bdog, but for now our crisis is averted. He's wary of the stairs, but he's climbing them for now.

I love this dog, but I also stress about him. And I stress about the dog way more than I stress about the baby. That seems weird. I don't know how I'll handle the dog with two kids.

But for now, things are looking better.

Bad day

2010-12-15T14:50:00.002-05:00

Today is a bad day.

I have to do a volunteer shift at a co-operative play space we joined and I have no one to look after Henry when I'm working. My mom backed and and the neighbor who was going to help is way too sick to come. It will work out, but it's a bit of a pain. If this was my only issue, I'd get over it fast.

Bdog won't climb the back stairs any more. This means I have to walk him around front to get him back in the house. This creates a huge issue for his going out issues. He won't climb the inside stairs, either. I feel like I am doing Bdog a disservice and I feel like it's untenable for us to keep him. He needs a better home than we can provide for him. This is really depressing me.

H is having sleeping issues. He's waking up early(ish) in the morning (for him, and it interferes with Bdog's walk schedule) and his napping is being weird. It's only 2 days, but I'm concerned. He's never had sleeping issues before and he wouldn't go down for a nap quickly today or yesterday and he woke up in the middle of his nap today, but he did go back to sleep. Now I need to wake him up in 10 minutes so that I can make that shift at the play space.

I have 6 bags of leaves from the back yard waiting to be picked up by the town, but apparently no leaves are collected after December 11th in this town. So how I have 6 bags of leaves until April. I don't have any place to keep them until then. What am I supposed to do?

Writing this, it makes me wonder why I feel as distraught as I do, but I feel distraught. Maybe it's the Bdog thing. I really question my ability to care for him every single day. He is so attached to me, but he won't let anyone else care for him. I just don't know what to do now that it seems I can't simply let him out in the back yard. T doesn't really like Bdog anyway.

I just feel like crying. Today sucks.

Tomorrow morning I"m dropping H off at Grammie and Grampie's for 24 hours. We have T's office holiday party tomorrow night. I hope I can relax a little.

Plugging along

2010-12-03T14:12:00.004-05:00

We definitely have the winter sickness thing going around this house. H had a stomach bug around Thanksgiving and then we all got head colds. I seem to have got the head cold the worst, which is odd since I'm usually never sick.

Thanksgiving was good. Lots of cousins were around. H wasn't the youngest as we met his 6 month old cousin for the first time. A lovely time was had by all.

Hanukkah is happening now, so we're doing the exchange of gifts on Sunday. I'm only like 66% finished, but hopefully I can do what I want to do tomorrow. Though we have our adoption group tomorrow and things will be busy. Things are always busy. Good busy, though.

We're doing a re-fi on our mortgage and that's almost done so I have to face the fact that we need to complete our home study for #2. I'm actually getting outside pressure to do this. I need a deadline, so it's going to be Jan 1. We're going to have all our paperwork for kid #2 complete by Jan 1. We've got to do it. I expect the wait to be a longish one, and even if it's not, it's time for us. At this point I feel like everyone I know either has 2 kids or has one with another one on the way, so I guess I have to get in that line.

This decision feels really different this time. Less monumental, I guess. Being a mom I guess changes my perspective on things. I'm not nearly an anxious about it.

H is awesome as ever. He's getting really strong willed and opinionated. He's still only saying, "Nononono!" but he understands everything we say. I sent off an email to CC and O. after his 15 month checkup (25 lbs! 16 teeth!) but didn't hear anything back.

A family friend at Thanksgiving told me that she thinks her son and his wife are considering adoption and were asking about me and T and H. I again said something about how adoptive parenting is different than bio parenting and felt like I was being judged... like I was saying my son is less than or something. This bothers me. I need to figure out how to better express what I mean when I'm saying this. How do you say "not the same" but not mean "less than"? I need a better choice of words or something. I'm finding this frustrating.

Here is my little man sleeping in the car with his balloon. He loves balloons. He was clutching it and staring at it with so much love as he fell asleep.

But I still have limits

2010-11-22T17:31:00.003-05:00

I really meant it when I said I don't get upset seeing pregnant people around and I'm feeling like I've closed the chapter of thinking about having a biological child.

That being said, today I overheard too many conversations about fertile people's fertility. And it bugged me.

Really, I don't need to hear how you didn't know it was more difficult to get pregnant while breastfeeding because you got pregnant very easily the first month after you got your period for the first time while still breastfeeding.

I also don't need to hear the pregnant woman talk about her second thoughts on having a second child.

I'm doing better, but I still have limits, thankyouverymuch.

Getting over it

2010-11-08T13:19:00.004-05:00

I have to say, I surprised myself this weekend. I've slowly noticed things changing for me, but it really struck me on Saturday.

We joined a playspace coop nearby for the winter. It's afternoons only and I knew I'd be going stir crazy if I didn't have somewhere to go with H after nap. I'd heard from neighbors that it was a good place to go and there was an open house there this past Saturday. I decided to take H there to check it out and to sign up.

It was great there! It was pretty crowded and of course full of kids. And of course TONS of the moms there were visibly pregnant. And you know what? I didn't care. I really, truly didn't. I wasn't jealous. I didn't get sad. I didn't feel much of anything at all.

I guess I've finally, finally come to accept that I will never be pregnant and give birth to a child. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, and this is just how it is. Being angry and jealous isn't going to change that. I have H, and we will get another child, and they will be my family and that's how it is.

I will never say that on some level I wish that my children didn't have to have two sets of parents or that they could have been biologically related to me. I will never say that I'm thankful to have gone through infertility. But I have come to accept that this is my life. I have a wonderful son, we will have another child, and that will be that.

I don't think I'll ever be ebullient upon a pregnancy announcement. I will never enjoy seeing a F@ceb00k ultrasound.

But I am okay with never being pregnant and experiencing child birth, and I don't feel particularly jealous of people around that anymore.

Halloween!

2010-11-01T10:03:00.002-05:00

Strangers

2010-10-18T12:23:00.001-05:00

Today, at the play area at the mall, someone told me how much my son looks like me.

I simply said, "Thanks."

It was weird.

Just interesting

2010-10-14T19:52:00.005-05:00

I just find it interesting that in the few IF blogs I still read (and people in real life), where people are parenting and trying for #2 and things aren't looking so good, that most people contemplate just being a family of 3 and not of adopting kid #2.

I mean, I know there are various reasons behind that decision, but it always interests me.

My husband is an only child, and I do not want to have only one kid. We are planning on having a second child, no matter what. I would go through anything to make sure Henry has a sibling. I am not okay with having a family of 3.

And it's also weird because I was having a conversation with my new next door neighbor (who has 2 kids spaced 6 years apart on purpose) and I was telling her that the way I came to parenthood was different than most people and she didn't quite get it. Okay, she didn't get it at all. Though she listened and tried to understand. I like her a lot. Anyway...

I still find it fascinating that people choose not to parent over adopting. Though I'm glad that people recognize that adoptive parenthood isn't for them, if it's not. It's not the same as parenting your biological child.

I feel like when I say that, people think I don't love my son as much as I would love a bio child. That's not what I'm saying at all, and I don't think that's true. But the truth is that my son has two sets of parents and will always have two sets of parents. That's different. Love doesn't change that.

And how I love this boy.

CC called

2010-09-28T12:26:00.005-05:00

Out of nowhere, CC called me. I missed the call, but I called back. I wasn't sure it was her when I was calling back, but it was and I talked to her on the phone.

They moved and the packages we sent didn't get to her. The agency mailed them to her, but she never received them. She said she'd send me her address and I'd resend them. She said she got our emails, etc.

It wasn't weird talking to her, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She sounded good and happy. Good things seem to be happening in their lives. They've had a bunch of not so great things happen, but they seem to be going okay.

I told her how well H was doing. We talked for about half an hour. I was walking home from H's music class. I didn't block our 'real' number so I think she has our last name and my real phone number now. (We originally gave her a forwarded number to her.)

It was nice to hear from them. We had been worried about them. I feel really badly that they hadn't received the last updates. She was bummed too.

I like that we can talk to them. I'm not sure what our open relationship is really going to be like. I am certain I want to communicate with them regularly, but I'm not certain what that communication is going to look like. I don't like unpredictable things, so that part of this makes me nervous. But It really was a relief to hear from them and that things are going pretty well.

I decided to post

2010-09-26T06:27:00.004-05:00

I'm still here. Things are fine. Busy. We totally haven't unpacked. Henry has started walking! I can't believe it, still. It's so cute. He giggles every time he walks from the novelty of it all. It's amazing how much he improves every day. He keeps me very, very busy as he is the definition of an active toddler. He is still really good, but because he was such an easy baby it is quite a change for me to have to attend to him so much. He's still pretty good at playing by himself, but he definitely needs a lot more of my attention than he used to.

I guess now that we've moved we need to starting thinking about the paperwork for #2. I'm still so overwhelmed by readying this house for living that paperwork seems insane, but I don't want to wait too long before starting because I'm sure it's going to be a long wait.

I'm thinking of getting a part time job and having Henry go to daycare a couple times a week. I haven't done anything about it except look at job listings, but I'm thinking about it. I haven't started looking at daycare options yet either, but I think I want to wait until he is 15 months old, so I still have 2 months.

We love the new house and don't miss the old one at all. Well, the one thing I miss is the HUGE garage we used to have. This one is kind of small and cramped. But that seems a tiny, little thing in the grand scheme of things so I'm not complaining. It's weird getting used to being in the quiet suburbs, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. There are lots of nice people and other moms at home on my street, so that's really nice. I'm taking Henry to music class once a week. We've only gone once, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

I'm at a loss about what to say here. I've lost my blogging mojo, I guess. I'm not even sure anyone really reads my blog much anymore, but if there's something I'm leaving out, let me know. I hope everyone is doing well.

Moved

2010-09-02T08:40:00.003-05:00

One week ago I woke up for the first time in our new house.

Things are going well. Moving day was hell, but things are better now. Sure, we're mostly living out of boxes but that's okay. My mom came on Saturday and we did the kitchen, so at least I can cook. We're slowly getting things together so that we can live here. Henry's room is mostly unpacked. It's still pretty crazy, though. Henry is SO lively that it's really difficult to get anything done. I was able to cook a little bit by gating Henry in the kitchen while I made a quick meal and I was so proud of myself. He's into EVERYTHING and he's constantly going somewhere and putting everything in his mouth that I can't even leave him for a second right now. Plus, when I put him in a playpen he cries and cries to get out. My easy baby is no more.

Of course, he's still a pretty happy kid and he still sleeps really well so that helps a lot. It just that for me, infancy with Henry was SO MUCH easier than toddler-hood is going to be. I guess that's different for many parents, but not so much here. I'm hoping there's a point where he becomes interested in toys again instead of playing with the wires that are plugged into the wall and anything else he can get his hands on. At least I have a tupperware cabinet for him in the kitchen and most everything else has safety locks on them.

As I expected, Bdog is having the biggest trouble adjusting to the new house. He's come a long way in a week, and I really think he likes the extra space. He no longer feels totally crowded in every room. However, he WILL NOT go up the stairs. The stairs from the first to the second floor has two landings. The first landing is 3 steps up. He'll lie on that. The second landing is up 4 more steps. He'll go up there, too. But there are 6 steps more to get to the second floor and he WILL NOT go up them. I even got those ugly little stair carpet tread thingies to no avail. I've tried forcing him and he growls. I've tried coaxing him with his favorite treats. He will not come upstairs.

So, starting anywhere from 4:45 am and 5:45 am he starts whining. We sleep on the third floor so I have to walk down a flight of stairs for him to see me and for me to shush him. Also, the cat has been howling starting at 4:30 most of the time. So I've been getting up REALLY early lately.

But otherwise, things are really good.

Burst

2010-08-22T19:58:00.004-05:00

I've been reading my blog posts from a year ago. It's weird to relive that time. I'm glad I have a record of it here.

Sometimes when I think about Henry I feel like my heart might just burst because it is so filled with love for him.

We're moving the day after tomorrow. It's kinda freaking me out

"Just" money

2010-08-20T06:18:00.002-05:00

So our house appraised too low and the mortgage company the buyers are using won't lend them the money to buy our house, so of course we have to lower the price. Apparently the improvements we've done to the house don't really increase its value. But our hands are pretty tied here. This sucks so much. The tiny bit of money we were going to be able to have after we pay off our current mortgage has disappeared. We have lost so much money on this house. In retrospect, we never should have bought this house. But like a lot of people, we were enamored with it and the idea of being a homeowner.

T is out of his mind with anger about losing so much money. It is a lot of money. A lot. Like several years of working worth. And he feels the buyers are taking advantage of us. (We happen to know that one of the buyer's family has a lot of money.)

I am so anxious to pass papers and put all this behind us so that we can just start our life in our new house. And hopefully we will not have to move for 20 or 30 years.

I've packed a bunch, but I don't feel ready. We move on Tuesday. The new house is ready for us, though. (Well, everyone except for B-dog because we don't have a fence out back yet. I think poor B-dog is going to be miserable when we move.)

No one is happy around here these days. I hope I can convince T that it's "just" money and we need to move on.

video

2010-08-15T12:33:00.001-05:00

One of the videos I posted on the blog I created for CC and O. was viewed in FL, where they live, via the blog. I think one (or both) of them watched it.

:)

Cake!

2010-08-14T18:16:00.002-05:00

One year

2010-08-14T01:01:00.000-05:00

Still, even after all this time, I still can't believe that I'm actually a mom. It still feels so unreal to me.

I am so grateful for the privilege of being this little boy's mom. He is the greatest. I hope CC and O. know this. I've told them, but I want them to know.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. Mama loves you.

Exhausting

2010-08-12T08:20:00.004-05:00

Preparing to move is exhausting. In the middle of this is Henry's first birthday and he's getting so close to walking. I can't really get packing done during the day because he's into everything and during nap time I do things like shower, eat, laundry, dishes and everything else that keeps the house going. I try to pack a little at night but T is too tired after work to do much. I'm very worried that we are not going to be ready. We have 10 packing days and we've only just begun. I haven't even thought about packing our garage or our basement yet. I'm pretty terrified about this move and I just can't wait for it to be over.

My nieces are coming to stay for a few days. They can watch Henry while T & I pack. T has taken a couple of days off work so that we can get stuff done. I hope it's helpful and we can get a lot done.

I guess I should be packing.

Home

2010-08-07T16:15:00.001-05:00

He's home!!

Bad

2010-08-07T07:46:00.003-05:00

T is in the hospital. He has a staph infection. He's been there for 2 days now.

We're moving in 2 weeks and we've barely started packing.

H woke up at quarter of six this morning. He never gets up that early. I was peeing and H was crying and the dog was whining and the cat was howling and I was alone.

T doesn't know when he's coming home. He's lonely and sad. I'm lonely and sad.

Open Adoption Roundtable #18

2010-07-29T19:24:00.003-05:00

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Massachusetts is an agency state. Our agency was great. They had us educate ourselves a lot about openness and even required that we meet with some birth parents as part of our home study. We asked questions about how they felt about openness which really helped me learn what it was about and helped alleviate some of my fears about it. Our agency definitely encouraged openness, even if it was just in our approach to adoption. I really appreciate all that our agency did to help us.

Henry was born in Florida. We used an attorney down there. Her attorney has an assistant/paralegal. She was awful. I know another couple who used the same attorney. They also had problems with this assistant. What makes me really sad is that she, herself is an adoptive mom.

We were notified that CC was in labor at about 7pm on August 14. he was born around 10. We knew we'd have to get B-dog taken care of and set up flights, etc so we knew we wouldn't be able to leave until the next morning. We told the assistant this. She said something to the effect of, "Can't you get there sooner? Allowing the birth mother all that time alone with the baby to bond makes her more likely to change her mind."

This was not the only awful, horrible, terrible thing this woman said. I told our agency about our unpleasant conversations with the assistant. I'm sure she's still working there.

This lawyer does set up semi-open communications with birth parents. It's a requirement for them. So I asked if they could facilitate additional interaction with birth parents beyond the once yearly communication and the assistant said no. They didn't offer any help with any of this. I had to figure it all out on my own while dealing with being a new parent. I felt unsupported. It was disappointing.

I have heard from CC and O a few times before Henry was 6 months. I haven't heard from them for a while. It does make me concerned. But I will continue to email and send pictures via the attorney. I hope that at some time they'll be ready to talk to us again.

Roundtable.

Time out?

2010-07-25T15:24:00.004-05:00

Henry enjoying himself at a friend's lake house. He was really into splashing with that spoon.

I feel so busy. I haven't even had time to do any of my mommy things or hang out with my mommy friends lately. It bums me out, but moving requires being busy ALL the TIME and I just haven't been able to do anything lately. Once the contractors are working maybe I can do a little something.

We now need to start thinking about packing up. I'm overwhelmed by this, but we need to start. We are hoping to move in 3-4 weeks so be better get cracking.

Met some new neighbors at the new house. There are teen-aged babysitters there. Right next door! Excellent. I mean, my parents usually want to babysit, but if they can't or I just need an hour or two it's an excellent option.

I want to feel relaxed, but I don't. Maybe once the P&S is signed I'll feel a little relieved.

We called their bluff

2010-07-23T12:33:00.003-05:00

I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

We told our buyers, "Take it or leave it."

They came back with, "But... but... but... we don't want to leave it but we want to pay less money. We told you that before!"

This ENRAGED me. ENRAGED. Too bad. Then someone else will buy it. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. So again we said, "Take it or leave it."

They took it. They're buying the house at the originally agreed upon price. Woo!

And I feel like we won! (I hope that's not bad.) So all is good. We don't have to put the house back on the market.

And in other good news, the painter called and he can start working on Monday so the house will be move-in ready earlier than we had previously anticipated! Woo!

(I'm still pissed at our buyers, but at least we're selling the house on our terms. I hope they hate our neighbors.)

All I can think about...

2010-07-22T07:42:00.003-05:00

is how we're going to piss away the money for our next adoption on an empty house. And these people who were going to buy our house are expecting a baby, of course.

It's funny how infertility affects parts of your life that you didn't expect.

Still not sure if they're in or they're out. I'm hoping to know for sure by the end of the day.

Bumps in the road

2010-07-21T16:17:00.005-05:00

We're having some bumps in the road with selling the house, but I'm crossing my fingers that things will still work out. It's freaking me out a little.

I've been dealing with contractors on a daily basis. I'm bringing Henry and B-dog to the new house every day to help them get used to it. We put a pack n play in H's bedroom and he takes his afternoon nap there. As long as he has his lovey, he'll sleep. He's such a good sleeper. We're so lucky in that regard. (Well, we're lucky with him in so many ways it's difficult to count.)

Today was a sad day for me. I'm trying to get my family together to celebrate Henry's first birthday and one of my brother's family isn't going to be able to be there. I'm feeling rather angry about it right now. But we'll celebrate with my parents and my other brother's family. It's just how it is. It just feels like a big deal right now. The first birthday is a pretty significant one.

Then we hit the bump with selling the house.

I hated having a sad day because things are really good for us. I feel guilty feeling sad when our lives are truly very good, which they are.

So I'm trying to kick the sadness and remember the good. I'm sure it will be fleeting. Our buyers haven't backed out yet, so I guess that's good. I don't know what the deadline is for this so I'm not sure how long I'm going to be worried about it.

But I love the new house. I sat in the back yard with B-dog while Henry slept in his room. It was nice.

ETA:
I think they're going to back out. We're screwed. They wanted an enormous further reduction in price. We will not go down in price from what we originally agreed. Going down further will put us under water. It's ridiculous.

Have I mentioned we're screwed?

I really don't want to be ruined financially. Of my own making. It's not like someone got laid off or anything.

I feel miserable.

Under Agreement

2010-07-14T07:56:00.004-05:00

We reached an agreeable price. I think they're getting a steal, but we can live with this.

They figured out about our mutual friend. Said mutual friend reassured me that it's perfectly ok for them to buy our house.

So, pending an inspection we should be closing in mid September.

Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm really looking forward to the new house. It is MUCH bigger and the neighborhood is quieter and full of kids. But as I look at the picture on my blog, I will miss this house. It's a beauty. Our new house isn't nearly as nice on the outside -- it's not a Victorian. It doesn't have those funky details. But it is a nice house and when we fix it up it will be even better. But I do feel a little bittersweet about letting this one go.

Offer

2010-07-13T06:30:00.002-05:00

We just got our first offer on the house. It's pretty low, but we probably could get to a place where we could agree.

However, we looked at the names on the offer and it turns out that this couple knows one of T's closest friends. And they're expecting a baby.

I don't want to sell our house to someone who isn't a stranger. They know nothing of our awful neighbors. I feel like I should not let them buy the house as they will regret it soon.

Then again, maybe they have a higher tolerance for such things?

Plus, we haven't had any other offers and not selling this house will ruin us financially.

What would you do?

600

2010-07-05T19:19:00.006-05:00

So, apparently I've had 600 posts. That's lot of posts. I've been blogging for a really long time now. I guess I'm bad at it now, and I know barely any people even read this any more. I mean, I don't blame people for not reading it. I only look at a few blogs myself these days. But I really don't want to retire this blog forever.

Our move is getting closer and we're closing in less than two weeks. It's scary. We haven't sold our house yet which is really depressing. We're going to lose so much money on this transaction that it frightens us a little. However, we feel really strongly that we couldn't stay in this house any longer. I love this house, but I can't say I don't regret buying it at all. I mean, I was really unhappy renting where we were renting before we bought this house. We needed to move. This house is really lovely and served us well. It just was the peak of the market and we put so much work into it. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess I wish I knew how iffy this neighborhood actually was. I knew it was the "city" but there are lots of streets nearby that are much, much quieter than our street. It's those two neighbors that ruin it, and I guess there was no way to know when we bought the house. If it weren't for those neighbors, we wouldn't be moving at all. So, basically we can blame those neighbors for losing us so much money. Oy. I have to talk about something else. This is sounding so "woe is me" and I don't like it. We do okay and it's "only" money. That's what I keep telling myself.

So, on to Henry, I guess.

He is turning into such a little boy. He is very busy all the time. He is so mobile now -- he can do everything but stand and walk by himself. But he pulls himself up, cruises around, sits down, crawls somewhere else and then pulls himself up. He's started moving around with his toys to bring them different places. He really won't let me feed him that much as he must do everything himself. He's got quite the independent and stubborn streak. Because he was such an easy baby, this takes us aback a little. He is, however, still a charmer and smiles all the time. He laughs easily and will pretty much always smile when I smile and laugh when I laugh.

I think, though I'm not sure, that he's started to say "Mama." But it's so difficult to tell. I was changing his diaper the other day and he looked right in my eyes and said, "Mama" as clear as day. But he does a lot of babbling, so I'm not sure if he was labeling me or if he just made that sound.

July is going to be a busy month. Really, I just hope, hope, hope that our house sells and we can forget all this bull$h1t and put this whole old house thing behind us. We need to move on.

Oh yeah. And one more thing.

Henry and I went to a party at T's office the other day. We saw one of T's co-workers who immediately cooed all over Henry. He has seen Henry before and has expressed his amazement at how much Henry looks like T. (Everyone tells us how much Henry looks like T. I understand where it comes from.) Anyway in his enthusiasm about how much they look alike this man said something to the extent of, "I mean, he looks as if he could actually be your son!"

To which I replied, "He is T's son."

But I don't think he got it.

Still here

2010-06-26T15:35:00.003-05:00

Still here. Still haven't sold the house. We're having open houses every week -- this is the third one in a row.

Henry is now cruising around the house non-stop! He is one very mobile baby. It's crazy that just one month ago he couldn't even really crawl!

Henry had his circumcision revised on Wednesday. He's doing really well. He slept pretty much the whole day on Wednesday and after that he's just acted pretty normal. He was a little extra cranky for a day, but his teeth were coming in too so that has definitely been a part of it.

So, so much is new, but nothing is new. 10 months is such a great age!

And on and on.

2010-06-15T19:16:00.005-05:00

No offers on the house yet. There was one family that came really, really close to an offer but decided one of the bedrooms was too small and so it didn't happen. It is so difficult when you can just taste things going well and then they just slip away. (Sound familiar? Seriously.)

We need to sell this house within two months or so, and we need to sell it reasonably close to the current asking price. I am so nervous.

Today was the first day I have been home with Henry by myself in over 3 weeks! I was really nervous about it because he's become quite mobile with the crawling since then, but things were pretty normal. We're definitely going to have to go out more because now that he's mobile he's got a bit of shpilkes and we definitely need to get out of the house. We went for a few walks today and I put him in the exersaucer on the porch.

He really likes to swing.

Lots

2010-06-07T09:41:00.003-05:00

So, this has been a busy week. We've been prepping, prepping, prepping and we're very close to having a house ready for the market. We'll have to be MUCH neater than we usually are which will be a challenge, but hopefully we can do it.

Henry has changed so much this past week. In a week he has:

Learned to sit up by himself from lying down
Become much more mobile
Stand up by himself while holding on to furniture
Done the army crawl
Started to really, actually crawl
Had his 7th tooth break through

Seriously! It's been a crazy week.

Now I'm just hoping, hoping, hoping we will get enough money for our house to cover the mortgage, the realtor and then have maybe $5-$10K left over. I'm really nervous about this and I honestly don't think it will happen. I think we'll cover the mortgage and some of the realtor's fees, but I don't think we'll have anything left over. I'm very skeptical of how this is going to go.

I wish

2010-06-04T13:02:00.002-05:00

I wish that I could simply be happy when I hear that a baby has been born. I am very happy for proud and delighted new parents. I truly am. But every time someone births a baby and parents that baby, a little bit of sad comes to the surface.

I know this is normal for someone like me. It is legitimate for me to feel this way. I, of course, do not share this sadness with the happy new parents. All of this is appropriate.

Still, I just truly wish that I could simply feel happy and nothing else, but I honestly don't think I ever will.

A break?

2010-06-01T18:44:00.002-05:00

T and I have been working our A$$E$ off these past few days. I've been working for over a week. We've been cleaning and organizing and boxing and moving things into storage. We're soooo close to being done. The realtor came over today. We're not hitting the market til next week. And though I'm a little disappointed and concerned that we're going to take too long to sell, it is SO NICE to just sit here and not be doing something.

My mom has come almost every day for the past 10 days to watch Henry while I worked. It has been exhausting. T is off to a focus group tonight so I thought I was going to be cleaning by myself to reach the deadline for tomorrow. Instead, I'm blogging and eating leftover burrito. H is asleep upstairs and I am relaxing. It's delightful. I'm exhausted.

But we're really close and we're going to keep working this week. I'm really proud of all we have done.

We're showing my parents the new house for the first time tomorrow. That's exciting. And as I'm typing I can hear the neighbors fighting and swearing which is why we are leaving this house to begin with.

Really, tired doesn't even begin to describe it.

Not ready

2010-05-28T16:02:00.003-05:00

So, our house is supposed to be ready to be shown on Wednesday. WEDNESDAY. I've been working all week, with my mom here to babysit Henry so that I can accomplish things. I have, but we are SO NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready for this. I am freaking out. FREAKING OUT. Our house is still a complete mess. I don't know how we're going to keep our house neat enough to have an open house in it. How do we live in a house and keep it immaculate? We're going to have to take our microwave out of the kitchen. How do I live without a microwave?

To say I'm feeling stressed is an understatement. We have a LOT to do this weekend.

Oy.

Worried

2010-05-21T13:12:00.002-05:00

I'm a little bit worried about CC and O. Neither I nor the adoption lawyer has heard from them for 6 months. I have a blog with videos of Henry for them to watch and I have a y0utub3 video embedded on it and they haven't watched it.

They are normally very online.

I'm concerned. I do have some old phone numbers for them, but to be honest I'm afraid to call them. My last interaction with O. was a little uncomfortable and that was via IM. I'm not sure what I would do if it went that way on the phone.

We don't have much of an established relationship, so I'm not sure how to navigate this. They really wanted to maintain contact with us throughout Henry's life, so I want to make sure I know how to contact them.

Perhaps they just want some space, but that's not the feeling I get. The feeling I get is that they've hit a rough spot. I guess I just have to be patient and hope this rough spot gets smoothed over and then I will hear from them again.

But I remain worried.

Comments

2010-05-19T14:52:00.002-05:00

I got blogger errors when trying to publish comments, so I apologize if your comments don't appear. Some of them seem to have gotten inadvertently deleted. I'm sorry.

Blame blogger. :(

Thanks for them, though!

ETA: I think they appeared! Hurray!

"It gets easier!"

2010-05-19T09:17:00.002-05:00

Parents of older babies/toddlers are always telling parents of newborns, "Hang in there! It gets easier!" I don't get this. Is this a breastfeeding thing? A lack of sleep thing?

I know I have an exceptionally easy baby. He was just as happy to be held as not held. He slept through the night at about 14 weeks, and had only 1 wake-up per night starting around 8-10 weeks. He doesn't really fuss or complain. He's happy to play by himself.

However, now that he's much more aware of what's going on and he's becoming mobile, he is demanding much more attention. I can't just plop him in a bouncy seat and make dinner. To me, it's getting HARDER. (Not that it's hard, really. It just takes a little more energy now.)

Yes, the feedings are less frequent now. But he used to nap ANYWHERE in the infant bucket seat. I could just carry it in the house and he'd continue to sleep. That doesn't happen any more. I can still transfer him from the car seat to the crib and he'll go back to sleep sometimes, but not every time. And as time goes on, this will happen less and less. That's not easier.

I don't get it. What's this "It gets easier!" thing about?

It happened

2010-05-18T18:02:00.002-05:00

Well, the seller of the house agreed to all of our sticking points. No compromise on our side. So, I guess we're buying a house.

I had mentally moved on from this house and expected to be able to put our house on the market before buying. Now I have to go back to the "we might have two mortgages" and "it's only money" mindset. Yikes.

It's the right thing to do. We're getting an amazing deal on this house. We shouldn't be able to afford this house. In the long run, we will be very pleased. But right now it's scary.

But I guess it's a good scary. We need to get our house ready for the market. We have A LOT of cleaning to do. Overwhelming.

Busy

2010-05-14T19:31:00.004-05:00

Life is busy. Henry's schedule really fills the day and I find it difficult to do too much. We're working on getting a mortgage and whipping our current house into shape so that we can get it on the market.

After our home inspection we found some issues with the house. Then we found some more. We're currently at an impasse with these negotiations and I'm not sure what's going to happen. We may come to an agreement and we may have to walk away.

I'll be okay if this falls through. I find this terribly nerve wracking. I think T will have a much harder time with it, but I told him that if this doesn't happen then it just wasn't meant to be. We've decided to still put our house on the market even if this falls through. I might secretly hope that it does fall through, or at least that things get pushed out even further. But if they don't, I guess that's okay too.

Henry is getting more and more mobile every day. He had his 9 month appointment and he weighs 20 lbs 9 oz! I can't believe it! He's eating all sorts of food and he's getting very independent. He is learning to drink from a sippy cup, which I'm pleased about.

I wrote an email to CC and O. and sent them some pictures and a link to some videos. I told them we'd love to hear from them. So far I haven't heard anything. I hope they're still online enough to receive the email. I can't imagine them not online, but I guess you never know what can happen.

I feel like so much is going on that I haven't been able to hang out with my other mom friends much lately. I feel bad as I was just forming some new friendships and suddenly I haven't seen anybody in a few weeks. Henry has been taking long naps in the morning making it difficult to get out of the house. He just seems to nap a lot right now. But I still like being home and I don't think I feel particularly bored, so I guess things are going okay.

Tomorrow my parents are coming over to watch Henry while T and I clean like the dickens.

Accepted

2010-05-10T13:11:00.002-05:00

We came to an agreement on the house.

I'm very, very, very afraid. I got major cold feet at the last minute, but my parents and T convinced me that this is the right thing to do in the long run. It will be a challenge in the short run, but it will be good for the long term.

I think I'm going to need to get a part time job.

Oy. Tell me we're doing the right thing.

This day

2010-05-09T09:13:00.002-05:00

I am overwhelmed by this day. We are dealing with the house stuff, but I'm thinking mostly of CC and of those who are still struggling and those who have decided to resolve without parenting.

Lori has said this so beautifully, I will leave it with her.

But mostly I am so thankful that I get to be the mommy to this precious little boy. I'm still amazed every single day that I get this privilege.

Offer

2010-05-07T19:55:00.003-05:00

We put in an offer on a house. I don't think this offer will be accepted, but we'll see what happens. We have a number that we can't go past, and I will walk away if we get there.

It's a LOT OF MONEY and it makes me very, very nervous. We can swing it, but it's going to be a change for us, I think. I'm very nervous. Have I mentioned the nervous?

It's a lot of space that can fit the dog, 2 kids and my MIL if need be.

We'll see what happens. It needs A LOT OF WORK, but it's a great community that's close to the city, you can walk to some stores and some coffee and the bus, and the schools are some of the best in the state.

This is scary and I'm not sure what's going to happen. We could back out of this easily if we get cold feet. But here we go.

And no, it's not nearly as pretty on the outside as this house is.

Quiet

2010-05-04T15:02:00.002-05:00

Things are quiet. And by quiet, I mean busy in a normal way. Henry is beyond wonderful, as usual. He waved for the first time yesterday. He did it 2 or 3 times, so it definitely wasn't a fluke. I haven't got him to do it today, though. We'll keep trying.

He's eating finger foods and starting to move around more and more, though he still isn't doing a proper crawl.

I'm just so thankful every day that he is here, that I get to stay home and take care of him all day and that I truly enjoy it.

I guess I'm feeling a little wistful. The weather has been pretty good and we don't have to boil our water any more.

Happy Meme

2010-04-27T07:39:00.003-05:00

The lovely and smart DrSpouse tagged me in a meme. I'm not really a meme person, but it's ten things that make may day and I can really get behind that idea, so here it goes.

Seeing Henry smile at me when I go into his room in the morning. 'Nuff said.
Coffee. DrSpouse said that first, but I absolutely, fully and completely adore coffee. I gave it up for three years trying to get pregnant, and I don't think I'll ever do it again.
T telling me he loves me. He does this every day. Even still.
Knitting. Though I have really been slacking on this lately, I still love it.
A good book. It's the best when you use every free moment to crack it open and just get in a few more pages.
A delicious meal. When you take a bite and have to say, "Yummm!" every time. Yum.
A walk on a cool sunny day. Nothing is more invigorating for me.
Being in the city. I love being able to walk places and having anything I want right near me. The city makes me feel free.
Watching Bistro run. He was made for running, and when we go some place large enough, watching him smile and run circles around me is very satisfying. He loves it.
Being a mom. I still am amazed every day that I get to be a mom. I am so lucky.

Wagon ride

2010-04-24T17:10:00.000-05:00

Fun in the wagon from Grandma & Grandpa.

Four years

2010-04-23T07:15:00.002-05:00

Apparently today is my blogoversary. Thanks to Mel for reminding me. I wouldn't have remembered myself.

So, on this day four years ago, I started a blog and a greyhound pup was born. I can't believe I've had this blog for 4 years. I started after my second miscarriage and our BT diagnosis. A lot has happened since then.

Thinking about time always freaks me out. Past, and future all being the present at some point.

Anyway I guess I'm here for the long haul.

Life

2010-04-22T16:50:00.002-05:00

I'm too tired to type. I went to see They Might Be Giants in downtown Boston today. It was great fun, but I'm exhausted!

I want to mention a few things:

We asked for and received the paperwork to start filling out for kid #2. I'm a little afraid of this, but I know people who have been waiting 24 months or more for #2, so I feel like we need to fill it out.
I think we're not going to try embryo donation. I just don't think I can cycle again.
Tomorrow B-dog turns 4.
House hunting is weird. We're learning a lot. I'm still not sure where I want to live, but we're looking. We haven't found the right place yet, but we have seen several places that are close. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if we find some place I really want. I fear moving.
I love Henry. He's super adorable and he seems to attract strangers. They're always commenting to me about how cute he is. I like it. A stranger told me today that I'm lucky. I agreed with him. Here is my evidence:

Sleepover

2010-04-18T09:13:00.004-05:00

T and I had Henry sleep over at his grammie and grampie's house last night. We thought it would be nice for him to get used to being away from us from time to time.

He did well. He woke up twice right after he went down to sleep, but otherwise he did really well. My parents are having a ball with him. He's such a good little boy -- so easygoing.

T and I went out for a nice dinner, though ironically there were a bunch of babies and kids at the restaurant. Our food was delicious and it's a pretty nice restaurant, but it's part of a hotel, so I guess that's why there were so many kids there. It was still enjoyable.

Henry is such a good boy that it doesn't even feel much quieter or less hectic that he's not here. I just miss him.

I cannot wait to see him later this afternoon! I miss my boy!

Not as fun as it seems.

2010-04-11T16:31:00.003-05:00

We went to open houses today. We saw a beautiful house. It's in the suburbs. I don't like the suburbs. Things have turned a bit sour. Turns out moving is more difficult for us to sort out than infertility. Didn't see that one coming.

Breastfeeding

2010-04-06T06:44:00.002-05:00

Did everybody see this new study about breastfeeding that came out?

Whenever I read about the benefits of breastfeeding, it makes me feel bad. There are two main reasons for this, I think. One is it reminds me of the part of the 'mommy' club that I'm not in. I didn't give birth to my child. I had no milk to give him. Secondly, it seems that many of my FB friends are vehement breastfeeding advocates. I've actually had to hide some people because it seems that 90% of their posts are about natural child birth and BF.

Even though no one has said this to me (except maybe LLL, but f#^k them) sometimes I feel like these people think that feeding your child formula is poisoning them or is like child abuse or something. They just push it so strongly that it makes me feel broken.

I'm pretty sure that most people understand why I don't BF my son. To be honest, I'm kind of glad I don't as it seems formula fed babies are a little bit easier -- at least they have been in my random, non-scientific observing of babies. (I know 3 bottle fed and tens of BF and all the bottle fed babies are MUCH better sleepers and generally more easygoing.) I like that I don't have to pump and that anyone can feed Henry without any fuss.

That being said, I just feel bad about it, and I'm so happy to be a mom and I love Henry so much that I hate that something like this makes me feel bad.

Good problems

2010-04-03T20:16:00.003-05:00

We looked at a house today. It's at the top of our price range, but it was REALLY nice. We made a list of pros and cons about the house. The good thing is that I don't feel like I must have that house right now, but of course now I'm obsessed with looking.

The toughest thing is deciding which town. One town has excellent schools but you get less house for the money. Another town has good enough schools with much more house for the money. We could stay in our current town, but the schools here aren't that great after elementary school and I hope we stay in our new house longer than we stayed in this one.

Most of the places we're looking are much more suburban than I'm comfortable with. I'm telling myself that a 3 minute drive to the commuter rail or a walk to one bus line is good enough. I grew up in a place with no public transportation and I do not want that for my children. I'd love to live in an urban area, but in the end I'm not willing to compromise space so that we could afford it.

I wish we could stay here a little big longer, but the other day when I came home to our neighbor's drug addicted son calling her the c-word as he was led away by the cops. I also found one of those tiny plastic bags used for drugs on our lawn. There is constant shouting and swearing in front of our house and people drive those loud, tiny motorcycles around. I really feel like we need to go. It makes me sad, though.

These are difficult decisions to make, but I understand that I am lucky to have "problems" such as these.

How to know

2010-04-01T15:27:00.003-05:00

We're starting to think about moving. We love our house and we hate moving, but the house will feel small once we have another kid, and we have BIG issues with our neighborhood. We love the location of this house. We could stay in this house with another kid, but it wouldn't be ideal. But there is a lot of yelling and swearing in the neighborhood and it really upsets me to think this is what Henry is going to observe when he plays outside. I don't want him to learn about this stuff so early. I know he will learn all this stuff someday, but I'd rather it be after I'm able to control most of what he encounters -- you know, at least til he's 5 or something.

Part of me doesn't want to move. I don't know if it's the right thing or not. But I don't think we're going to live in this house forever and maybe while the market is still a little down we should do an upgrade. Sure we've lost some money on this house, but if you add it all up and spread it out over the 5 years we've lived here, it's still cheaper than the rent we would have paid had we not bought it.

One of the bigger problems about this is that I don't know where I want to move to. The towns I would really want to move to we cannot afford. It has to be convenient to T's work. I'm not big on the suburbs, so it has to be near the city. I think I'm going to have to compromise myself a bit and move further away from the city than I would like. I'm unhappy about this, but I think it's the only way.

I wish I knew what to do.

I guess it doesn't cost anything to look.

Teething

2010-03-30T17:19:00.002-05:00

It appears that one of Henry's upper teeth is starting to come in. He was acting uncharacteristically cranky this afternoon and I took a peek. There's a huge bulge up there. Poor little guy. He is one unhappy little dude. Hopefully an extra early bed time will help.

Motion

2010-03-24T19:30:00.002-05:00

Today, Henry moved. He was lying on the ground on his back, and he easily and casually rolled onto his tummy. That was new. He usually struggled to to the back to tummy roll. Then he rolled again onto his back. And then his tummy. And then his back.

He rolled from one place to another.

Henry is in motion. AHHH!

Open Adoption Interview Project

2010-03-22T08:25:00.014-05:00

For the Open Adoption Interview Project, I got to know Kristin at Parenthood Path. Go visit her and read about her wonderful son, Dylan! Also, go visit the project and read some other interviews. Here is my interview with Kristin:

You don't talk much about your journey to adoption as you started your
blog after that decision was made. Can you talk a little bit more
about how you and your husband came to the decision to adopt? Were
you ever not in the same place? Did you grieve your biological
offspring or did it just seem right from the beginning? I'd love to
hear a little more about this journey (if it's not too private).

This is something I address some in the early posts on my blog. In short, we came to a fork in the road regarding our fertility treatments, when we had to decide whether to pursue IVF - which would not be covered by insurance, or another path to parenthood, or even resolving to live child-free. The more we researched, the more nervous we got about additional medical intervention (for various reason), and the more excited we got about adoption. Open adoption in particular calmed many of our fears - emotional and ethical concerns for everyone involved - about 'raising someone Else's child."

Fortunately, M. and I stayed very close to the same place in our thinking and feelings about our family building. Yes, there were many tough conversations and some periods of great uncertainty. But I think our reservations about our options were similar, and our preferences for the different risks and rewards were shared. Dealing with infertility was so stressful, I am immensely grateful that it didn't also add a lot of conflict to our relationship.

There was definitely grief involved in giving up the dream of having a biological child with M. Since Dylan was placed with us, I've often joked that we could not have created such a good and cute baby ourselves. I truly do believe this. But that doesn't erase the years of disappointment, and a sense that I've missed out on some beautiful human experiences.

I'm not one who believes in fate and that our struggles were necessary to bring us our intended son. But I can't imagine being happier or more fortunate than I do as Dylan's mom.

How often to you communicate with your son's birth parents? What methods (letter, phone, email, IM, etc) do you use?

This is something I've wanted to write about on my own blog, but haven't known quite how to approach it.

Unfortunately, we have no contact with his birth father and never had. We have very little information about him. I hope this changes in the future.

We haven't heard from his birth mother in almost two months now. I've emailed her a couple of times with little updates and cute photos, but there's been no response. It's hard to know how hard to push. In our open adoption agreement, we decided (at V.'s urging) on visits about every other month, and phone calls or emails at least every month. So I will continue to write to her at about that pace, unless she indicates another preference.

We are disappointed and sad not to have more regular contact with our son's other mother (or father) - which I think surprises a lot of people in our lives.

Do you get 'feedback' from Dylan's birth parents about how the communications are going?

The initial feedback was encouraging. It felt comfortable (at least to us) and natural, which makes the current lack of contact more surprising and disappointing.

One thing I regret is that I didn't get a mobile phone and learn to text sooner. I know his birth mom likes to text, and that might have been the easiest way for her to stay in touch. But it just wasn't possible for me until I finally got a new phone a few weeks ago....

How has your cat reacted to Dylan? (And other pets if you have them, of course.)

I love this question!

Any fear we had about the old wives's tale about cats smothering infants in their cribs has been abated by our funny guy. For the most part, Suleyman has been indifferent to Dylan. Initially, he just kept his distance, although we noticed that if the crying got too loud, the cat would remove himself from the vicinity (which is a big deal for a lazy cat).

More and more, Suley is willingly approaching the boy with some apparent curiosity. And Dylan is of course becoming more and more curious about this beast that is about his size. A few times, Dylan has reached out and grasped Suleyman's soft fur. Unfortunately, this tugging has not been well received, with the cat either hightailing it outa there, or responding with a swat. So far, Dylan's escaped without a scratch. It's hard to know how much to protect the little human while encouraging him to interact with the more mature feline.

I've attached a couple of photos of our two boys together. The first - in which Suley reveals his boredom with Dylan with a huge yawn - is from December, when Dylan was 2.5 months old. The other is from February, when Dylan was about 4 months old and beginning to take a bit more interest in his furry brother.

Do you think you approach parenthood differently because you are an adoptive mom and not a bio mom?

I approached your questions be responding to the easiest first. This is the last one I've been able to get my head - and heart - around. It's such an interesting, important question. In fact, Rachel, you know I like it so much that I asked it back to you. Pre-placement, I would have been fascinated by other adoptive parents' responses to the question, and I suppose I still am.

But the truth is, I don't have a good answer for it myself. I've thought a lot about it (before placement and since), and I haven't resolved anything. Part of this is because I'm not a bio mom, so it's tough to make a comparison with something so abstract.

I think that in the mundane, day-to-day things, my approach to parenthood is no different. I am loving and caring for this little child no differently than if he had my genes or came from my body. In short, I don't think that I am parenting differently.

However, I do think that parenthood is different for me. And to try to explain that, I'll use someone else's words. (I hope you don't mind.) This unknown author* articulates so well many of my own feelings about being a mom after infertility and through adoption.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love
their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have
read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are
those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I
will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound
of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I
am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take
another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this
insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child
that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God
leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better
wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have
been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in
order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I
have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only
comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

* I'd love to know who wrote this, so if anyone can clue me in, I'd be grateful

You had a post about wondering when to share that Dylan is adopted. (I have a similar post.) When DO you share that info?

I share this info now when it seems truly relevant, which has been less frequently of late. When people compliment me on his cuteness, I no longer explain that I had nothing to do with it. I just say, "Thank you." I've noticed fewer confused looks when others see the three of us together, and I suspect it is not because we're getting them any less, but because my sensitivity to our "matching" has diminished.

Part of my reluctance is that when I've been having a typical conversation about being a new mom, if I bring up the adoption, the talk will inevitably shift from inquiries about how well he's sleeping and eating, how smiley and "talkative" he is, to where he's "from" or how we "got" him.

On the other hand, I'll often share the info because, as an educator, I sometimes feel a responsibility - mostly to my son - to seize opportunities to educate people about adoption, and open adoption in particular. I so want our experience to be more "normalized," so there is no stigma surrounding adoption. If there are occasions when bringing up how Dylan came to our family seems like an opportunity to shed some light, then I'll usually go for it.

A few times in the last month or so, I've been on campus with him, and people who haven't seen me in awhile have somewhat embarrassed said, "I didn't even realize you were pregnant." Of course, I've told them that's because I wasn't, and that he's adopted.

Several times, I've actually been pleasantly surprised. People I didn't expect to have used PAL, or asked questions about our situation very sensitively. And more often than not, when the subject of Dylan's adoption comes up, it's an opener to learn more about how adoption has touched someone else's life. I find those stories interesting, and sometimes they have brought me closer to an acquaintance.

Too frequently, I still hear about "reclaims," or family members permanently scarred by the "primal wound." It's always struck me as odd that people who I think are trying to be supportive share horror stories. I've gotten a bit braver about cutting those kinds of stories off by saying, "Oh, that's too frightening. Don't tell me any more!" Though I try to say this kind of thing lightly, laughingly so as not to make someone who is well intentioned feel bad, usually it does get the message across.

Very frequently, when I reveal that we are adopting our son, the response will be an exclamation of how lucky he is to be with such a great family. To that I have a quick, easy, and honest response: "WE are the lucky ones to have him in our lives."

If you work, how is your work/life balance going? If you do not, are you getting enough 'adult' time? Do either of these things bring up surprising feelings?

I work as an administrator at a small college. Before the baby, my job was pretty demanding and I worried a lot about how my boss and others would handle the unpredictability of a match and then my desire to take my full, legally-provided twelve weeks of parental leave. Because I know that she doesn't like surprises and some advanced planning might help, I'd also been talking with my supervisor about working less than full time upon my return to work for more than a year before it looked like I might actually become a mother. But we hadn't resolved anything, so it was nerve wracking to bring it up again when the conversation became based in reality rather than the hypothetical.

Things have worked out great for me, and I am immensely grateful for the flexibility and accommodations I have been granted. My office "bugged" me very little for the three months I was off, which enabled such a precious period of intense focus on the baby and our new little family. And when I returned after the new year, it was on a three day a week basis. No one's been hired to take up my slack, and little delegating of my responsibilities has been done, so there is a lot that isn't getting accomplished that should, and I am definitely being expected to do more with less time and less money. These arrangements were made with the understanding that they are temporary, and that we'd re-evaluate after a few months. I want the part-time situation to continue, so I'm trying hard to make it work for others as well as myself. But I have a deep-set fear that we'll have to make new arrangements soon. I dread the decisions and further compromises that would be involved with that.

My current work arrangement feels just about right to me as far as work/life balance. Before parenthood, I suspected that I might actually yearn to be a stay-at-home mom, which just isn't financially feasible for us. But I know now that I would feel really isolated and "under valued" if I was just home with Dylan. I need the social interaction with adults and the sense of accomplishment my job provides me. But I also know that if I worked more, I would miss him even more than I do. Right now, it seems like just about when I'm feeling I need a break from his constant demands, it's someone else's (M's or my mom's) turn to spend the day with him. Or, just as soon as I feel like I am missing out and can't go another hour without snuggling with him, I'm off work and ready to spend another day as his primary caregiver.

A small tangent: I have not yet found or built a "baby group," and I'd like one. Though I fear they will all be a lot younger than me, and that there might be a lot of conversation about birthing and nursing and such that I can't relate to), it would be fun to connect with other new parents (IRL). Ideally, such a group could bridge my baby-centric and grown-up lives. I'd welcome advice about how to find a good group.

Sunny!

2010-03-19T10:18:00.002-05:00

The sun and the warmth make the badness melt away. It's been a good few days.

Show and Tell: B-Dog

2010-03-17T20:09:00.003-05:00

Show and Tell

ETA: Since a couple of people have asked, B-Dog is indeed a retired racing greyhound. And no, he never won. :)

My week, in days.

2010-03-16T20:20:00.004-05:00

H had vomiting and diarrhea.
I had vomiting and diarrhea.
T had diarrhea and vomiting.
It started pouring rain.
Boy cat got sick and had to go to the ER. (Still raining.)
The basement flooded. (Still raining.)
On the way to the vet for a follow up for boy cat, a HUGE pot hole gave me a flat tire.

Now, the good.

The humans are healthy again.
The boy cat is getting a lot better.
I paid 2 random guys $20 to change my tire and they did a good job and it only took 15 minutes.
It's sunny and it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow.

Everything is going to be okay.

Better

2010-03-13T11:36:00.002-05:00

After little Henry got over his stomach bug, I caught it. NOT FUN. Luckily T stayed home from work on Friday to take care of Henry because I was completely bedridden and couldn't do anything. We're predicting that T will come down with the symptoms shortly. I'm not looking forward to it as it's a nasty, nasty bug and T is a terrible sick.

We think our boy cat is sick, too. :( I'm bringing him to the vet on Tuesday. I hope it's just an infection or something, but as he is 12+ years old, I'm nervous. I'm not sure what will happen to T if we lose boy cat too.

I'm sort of amazed, though not completely, at the havoc I have wreaked by talking about Attachment Parenting. I am sorry if I offended anyone by my post, though I won't take any of the sentiments back. The outfall totally reinforces to me how problematic it is to label parenting strategies. Talking about how to parent is apparently as divisive as religion or politics. I didn't realize this, I suppose, though perhaps I was being naive. Most of my frustration came from an old high school friend on the evil FB who kept posting links about it who I finally just hid so I didn't have to see them any more.

The truth is, there are some things that I do that could be considered part of AP, I suppose. I do have an Erg0 carrier that I use all the time. I guess like I said before, I just don't like labels. And I don't like people assuming what I think about things before asking me.

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it anymore. We're all just doing the best we can.

It's supposed to rain all weekend and I feel like I haven't left the house in DAYS. It's kind of sucky.

Henry can now put his feet in his mouth and is all about untying or taking off his shoes. He's very interested in feet. He's also interested in the tags on things. He'll take a toy or stuffed animal and find the small tag that's on it and that is what he wants to chew on.

Lunchtime for Henry.

Spring!

2010-03-11T12:09:00.003-05:00

The crocuses are blooming in my garden. Hurray!

Show and Tell

Stomach bug

2010-03-10T12:11:00.001-05:00

Stomach bugs are bad and not fun. Poor little guy. :(

Either, either; neither, neither.

2010-03-08T17:28:00.004-05:00

I guess the thing is that I never have read nor do I ever read any parenting books, and when people put a label on parenting, it bugs me.

I just do what I think is right. I realize that most people just want to do what is right.

What bothers me is when people say that one method or strategy or plan is more 'natural' than another. I think that is what bothers me most.

Is it me?

2010-03-05T16:59:00.004-05:00

I wrote a different post about this which I may work on later, but it's not finished nor is it nuanced and this is bugging me so I'm just going to put this out there.

Is it me, or are there other people that are annoyed by this whole "attachment parenting" thing that's out there.

It's constantly pissing me off.

My name is Rachel and I hate the "attachment parenting" philosophy.

However, I love my son.

PMS

2010-03-02T17:07:00.001-05:00

Dear PMS,

F*ck you.

Love,
-Rachel

Sensitivity

2010-02-27T13:31:00.004-05:00

Thanks for all of the kind words about our kitty. We are doing okay, though we miss her so. Her poor brother kitty seems unsure about where she went. It will take time.

I previously mentioned how I've been trying to 'friend date' a bit with some other new moms. I found a couple of women whom I've had a few 'play dates' with. So far it's been pretty good with both of them -- I enjoy our time together, though I haven't felt a real tight 'click' with either of them. But I plan on continuing to hang out with them because it has been going well.

One of the new moms and I were out shopping together. We were both pushing the babies in a stroller and a stranger smiled at us and jokingly asked, "Which department did you get them?" I smiled and replied, "In the kids department, of course!" and the stranger said something about going to pick up one (or something, I don't really remember). Then my new friend said, "You can take mine!"

I was taken aback by this comment. I said, "That's not a very nice thing to say."

She said, "She's been waking up every hour for the past three weeks. If you had been dealing with that, you'd understand!"

I said, "Because my son is adopted, I'm really sensitive about comments like that. In some sense, he might feel like he was given away by his parents."

She said, "I didn't mean it like that."

I said, "I know, but I'm very sensitive about statements like that. It hits a little close to home for me."

Then I changed the subject.

Did I do okay? I hope I made my point. I'm trying to practice with these things.

Goodbye Girl

2010-02-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

Goodbye, girl.

Girl Cat

2010-02-22T21:03:00.003-05:00

Our girl cat has cancer that has spread throughout her gut. She is not eating nor grooming herself. She just lies down and looks pained. I think we are going to have to put her down tomorrow. We are just so, so sad.

I'm worried that it's too soon as she'll still drink water and she'll still come find us to sit on us.

She doesn't purr anymore, though.

She looks so sad all the time. T wishes he didn't think it was time, but he does.

I feel so awful. Our poor, sweet girlie girl. We love her so.

The girl, before she got sick.

Sitting!

2010-02-16T20:24:00.002-05:00

He's sitting on his own!!!! I'm so excited by this!

Go Henry!

6 months

2010-02-14T13:26:00.005-05:00

Today our boy is 6 months old.
Happy half-year, Henry! We love you more than words can explain.

I am sure that CC and O. are thinking of you today, too.

Show and Tell: Baby Rachel

2010-02-10T21:36:00.003-05:00

Show and Tell

All Mixed Up

2010-02-09T14:51:00.005-05:00

Sometimes my emotions are so mixed up.

Henry's nap schedule is solidifying, which is great. But he isn't so great at napping outside the house and being home for his nap schedule and feedings makes it nearly impossible to ever leave. That makes me crazy. I am starting to figure out how to make it possible for him to do some good napping while at the same time allows me to go somewhere from time to time.

This is interfering with the dog's schedule a bit, which means every time I get up he jumps up as if he's going to get fed or go for a walk. This is a bit crazy making as well. I love the dog and have lost 17 lbs since getting him. Without him I wouldn't exercise nearly as much. But I wish I could make him understand the concept of, "Sorry, not right now. Every day is different." That's not really a dog's way. We're trying, though.

I need to figure out a way to do more 'me' stuff while Henry is napping. I find I just end up doing nothing on the computer while he naps and I don't like it. I'm working on knitting a sweater for Henry, but for whatever reason I don't pick it up. I think of reading a grown-up book, but I don't pick one up. I do sometimes do laundry or dishes during nap time, but I want to do something for ME and I'm not sure why I can't get inspired to do so.

I'm still thinking of my bitterness and how to work on it. I'm not feeling bitter right now; more sad. My friend who is pregnant just announced it on the evil FB. She has had major troubles and never thought this baby would ever happen, so my happiness for her is ENORMOUS. However, last time I saw her I freaked a little at her pregnant appearance. I just feel so much loss sometimes.

Maybe I I should try to remember announcing Henry's arrival and how shocked people were. That was kind of fun.

Not believing in 'destiny' or that things are 'meant to be' also slows the healing process, I think. I love Henry and I think our match with his birth parents is perfect. I can't picture us having a different set of birth parents or being the parents of any of the other babies in our adoptive families play group. None of those matches were the right match for us. Henry definitely was it. Still, I'm not one of those people who wouldn't change everything if I could go back in time. I know that if we had a genetic baby we would have loved it as much as we love Henry now.

Still, my love for little Henry sometimes overwhelms me. I just hope he never feels unloved or abandoned around his adoption. I think part of my sadness comes from wanting to protect him from the difficult feelings adoptees sometimes have. Of course it's natural for him to feel this way and I should allow him to feel what he needs to feel, but we all want to protect our children from hurt, even though that's impossible to do for a lifetime.

I'm also starting to think about home study #2.

My head is swirling today. Henry woke me up at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but then the cat woke me up at 6. Then the dog woke me up at 6:30. I'm feeling a little tired.

ETA:
A tooth broke through!

Also, teenagers are scary. (My niece is freaking me out a little.)

Play Group

2010-02-06T14:46:00.003-05:00

We're off to our adoptive families play group. We meet once a month in some donated space by a local maternity/baby store. I'm trying to be the 'organizer.' We're bringing Henry's book along with us. We finally ordered his Adoption Story book from online so that we can send it to his birth parents for his 6 month birthday, which is Valentine's Day. I want to show it to everybody there.

I'm really glad we have this group. It's so nice to know that Henry will know other adopted kids as he's growing up, and it's especially nice that a couple of them are so close to him in age so that they could be play mates. I like that. I think a lot of adoption processing can be done through play, so it's nice to have people who can play along that theme.

Someone on the evil FB is posting about her home birth plan and talked about the 'birthing tub' and I have to say, these plans are currently not making me jealous. Baby steps.

Bitterness

2010-02-02T16:06:00.003-05:00

I have decided that I need to try and let go of my bitterness. I need to do this for Henry's sake. I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough patch and she put it like this: I have a choice. I can be happy or I can be sad. Why should I be sad. I'm going to be happy.

Happiness isn't really my issue these days as Henry makes me happier than I ever imagined, but my bitterness and resentment around fertility is still strong. I need to let it go. I don't want to affect Henry in any way. Children indirectly pick up on things. I need to resolve this and move on.

It's just so hard. It's hard to know that I have to share my son with another set of parents when other people don't. This of course does not mean I am closing Henry's adoption and I will refuse to share him. That's just dumb and not in his best interest. That's not what I mean. I mean that if T and I were able to have a genetic child then this would not be an issue. This is one of the many reasons I'm sure that people choose to live child-free instead of adopting. My eyes were wide open about this when we adopted Henry. I knew what I was getting in to.

But that doesn't mean I still have some anger deep down inside of me about this fact. And I need to get it out and smash it to pieces so that it can go away.

I think part of what keeps my bitterness around is that tiny speck of hope that still lives in me. Even though my head tells me that T and I will never have a genetic child and that we did all of our trying and it's over, my heart knows that people with a BT diagnosis get pregnant the old fashioned way and have living, healthy children. I need to let that tiny grain of hope go away.

This will take time and effort. But I've decided to work on it.

Sick

2010-01-29T09:37:00.003-05:00

Poor little Henry is sick. We think it's RSV. Went to the pediatrician yesterday, but he's since developed a fever.

I'm a pretty laid back mom, but this is REALLY freaking me out. He's so lethargic and just sleeping all the time. Luckily the Ty1en0l is helping.

We went to the Chi1dren's Museum on Saturday and I think he picked it up there.

We're going back to the doctor later this morning.

My poor little boy. I feel like crying seeing him suffer like this. I wish I could make him better.

Nope

2010-01-20T12:49:00.000-05:00

NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE INSIDES OF YOUR UTERUS. REALLY.

That is all.

a little better

2010-01-13T16:24:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm feeling a little better now. It must have been mostly hormonal.

I do belong to a mom's group. I go every Tuesday morning and it's been great. I also have an adoptive families play group once per month and I went today to yet another adoptive families information session. I do try to plan something to do every single day to get out of the house. Plus, Henry and I go for a walk in the afternoon with B-dog most days which is yet something else to do. Usually I feel so busy that I look forward to a morning when I don't have anything going on.

But my hormones (I'm guessing) made me feel lonely. Since the trouble with my friend, I've been feeling insecure in friendships and like I need to make new friends. I'm trying but I haven't found anybody new that I really 'click' with so far. I mean, I enjoy my groups a lot, and there are two adoptive moms that I'm 'friend dating' to see if either of them really click, but just have felt that affinity lately.

And I had that I have to 'friend date.' It sucks. I used to be so good at making friends, but lately I feel like I just don't like anybody. It's difficult to meet people, but I want to have some friends who have kids around Henry's age.

Also, my parents are leaving for FL next week and I guess I'm feeling a little lonely and sad about that, too. I know that if I have nothing to do my mom will always be up for a little visit from Henry and me. But now that's not going to be a possibility for 2 months! It makes me feel a little more lonely.

Happily, I do have some lovely friends from here in blog land that I see, some more often than others, and I do know I have friends around. But I definitely need to work on this 'friend dating' thing. Yuck. Sigh. I thought I was done with that sort of thing when I met T. But regular dating is even more socially acceptable than friend dating.

I just have to push myself, I guess.

stuff

2010-01-11T21:43:00.004-05:00

Henry is good. I've been feeling a little isolated recently. I think it's mostly PMS. I do keep busy and have things to do all day. I do realize how lucky I am to be able to stay home. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes taking care of a baby, no matter how well behaved and adorable he is, can be a little boring. With the freezing cold weather and PMS and things, I've been having a tough time of it the past few days. I have a busy week coming up so hopefully it won't last, but I guess it boils down to the fact that both Henry and I are pretty sick of our living room. I've signed up for a moms' night out dinner, and I think I have to make sure to leave Henry home with T on the weekends and make sure I have some 'me' time.

E&R&S gave Henry a giraffe. He loves it.

He's almost 5 months old. He's eating oatmeal and rolling over and seems pretty close to sitting up. He's the greatest kid. I love him to pieces. When his bottom lip curls, my heart melts. Why is that sad face so cute?

I'm working on making Henry a little yoda sweater. I hope my troubles lift.

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T14:02:00.004-05:00

It is my sincere hope that those of you who struggled through 2009 find happiness and joy in 2010. I think about all of you every day, even if I don't know you.

May 2010 bring some joy to those who are still struggling.

Happy New Year.

Peace.

Henry rolled over

2009-12-27T21:28:00.003-05:00

We gave Henry some oatmeal yesterday, and today he decided to roll over. It wasn't a fluke, he did it 4 times! Our little baby is growing into a boy.

Xmas morning

2009-12-25T21:44:00.002-05:00

Friendships

2009-12-17T17:16:00.003-05:00

How do you know when it is time to end a friendship?

I have been friends with this person for a long time -- over ten years. But I feel like I have to be SO CAREFUL about EVERYTHING I say less she take offense. She thinks I am very self centered. I think she's very self centered.

I'm not sure I have the energy to work this out this time. (This is the person who made the "pain Olympics" statement to me. She thinks I think everything is about me and I'm always out to "win" somehow.)

Does that means I just should leave it be and let the friendship die?

Tummy time

2009-12-04T16:10:00.003-05:00

Thanks

2009-12-01T08:00:00.005-05:00

Thanks for all your well-wishes. Yes, I'm blogging again. My MIL just left after being here for a week and I have to get some things out there.

First, I wanted to acknowledge what Holly said in my comments in that though I am not thankful for my infertility, I do think it has changed my perspective on things and I am much less likely to take things for granted. That is absolutely true.

Now, I just want to gripe about my MIL. She would stare at Henry and point out the tiniest physical flaws. The one I remember most clearly is that he has one pointy ear and one rounded ear. (?!?)

Then I showed her pictures of CC and O. to show her how much he looks like O. Then she said two things which I wish I had a response to. "I don't know how they did that. I could NEVER give up my baby." That one I've heard about and though it caught me off guard I blurted out something about circumstances and you just don't know what you would be able to do in a different place. It wasn't good enough and I didn't talk about what a loving choice it was. I was disappointed with my response, but I was just not prepared.

The second thing she said was, "I'm just so glad that they gave birth to him and didn't have an abortion." Ummm.... I just don't know how to respond to that. I have NOTHING to say to that. How do you respond to that?

I hate how much she drives me nuts, but she really really does. I hope it didn't show through too much. She did enjoy her time with Henry despite her saying constantly how she doesn't know anything about babies any more and she doesn't know what she's doing, and about how fat and what a blob she is. She's a hypochondriac and comes up with all these insane theories about why she doesn't have any energy. I have never seen her where she didn't say, "I'm feeling better than I was, but I just haven't got my energy back." Seems to me she hasn't had her energy since I've known her, but whatever.

Anyway, enough b1tching on my part. Thanks for listening. Let blogging break commence again. :)